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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: While in pursuit of Greg Biffle in the lead, Johnson’s No. 48 Chevy cut a tire and slammed hard into the wall at Turn 2. Biffle went on to win, while Johnson finished 28th, one lap down. He remained the points leader, and holds a 31-point cushion over Carl Edwards.

    “I’ll let Biffle enjoy the moment,” Johnson said. “He tastes victory. I drink it.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, posting his fourth consecutive top-10 result. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 62 out of first.

    “Sunday was my first Father’s Day as a father,” Harvick said, “and I finished runner-up to Greg Biffle. I always like to say, ‘I’m a daddy first, and a driver second.’”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Michigan, falling victim to an untimely caution, while Roush Fenway teammate Greg Biffle took the win. Edwards remained second in the point standings and trails Jimmie Johnson by 31.

    “Biffle refused to help me get some debris off my grill,” Edwards said. “But I’ve got no problem ‘trashing’ him. I guess my current teammate is a lot like my former teammate, Matt Kenseth, in that neither ‘favors’ me.”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home sixth at Michigan, collecting his eighth top 10 of the year. He improved one spot in the point standings to fifth and is now 82 out of first.

    “Toyota Racing Development is boosting the power of their engines,” Kenseth said. “That likely means Toyota cars will be going faster….when their engines blow.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: A promising day for Earnhardt at Michigan turned sour when his engine blew on lap 131 after he had led 34 laps on the day. He finished 38th and tumbled three places in the point standings to seventh, 91 out of first.

    “We’re close to signing a sponsor that will be new to NASCAR,” Earnhardt said, “and it will be a big deal for both parties. In other words, it’s a ‘win-win’ situation, which doubles my number of victories over the last year.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer posted his eight top-10 finish of the year with a seventh in the Quicken Loans 400. He remained third in the point standings and trails Jimmie Johnson by 49.

    “The No. 15 5-Hour Energy car took a beating,” Bowyer said. “Of course, it’s taken a ‘beating’ all year, because I haven’t won a single race. That may change. I won last year at Sonoma’s road course, so I’m confident things will make a ‘turn’ for the better.”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch led the way for Joe Gibbs Racing with a fourth in the Quicken Loans 400. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 86 out of first.

    “Michigan is a fast track,” Busch said. “It carries more speed than the Mayfield’s. That speed is probably why I was penalized for passing on pit road. And that reminds of the title of my upcoming autobiography, ‘Black Flags And Blue Lights.’”

    8. Greg Biffle: Biffle held off Jimmie Johnson at Michigan to give Ford its 1,000th victory in NASCAR. Biffle inherited the lead on a fortunate pit stop on lap 167, and kept Johnson at bay before the No. 48 blew a tire with two laps to go.

    “I stared down Johnson,” Biffle said, “and he blinked. Or maybe he just winked. In any case, he saw me. For once, I can say I had the ‘look’ of a champion.

    9. Kasey Kahne: Kahne blew a tire while leading on lap 104 at Michigan on a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports. Kahne finished 38th, while Jimmie Johnson was the highest Hendrick finisher in 28th.

    “Tire issues meant it wasn’t a good day for Hendrick,” Kahne said. “You want to know why? Because it was a Goodyear.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 12th in the Quicken Laons 400 at Michigan on a historic day for Ford, as Greg Biffle gave the auto maker it’s 1,000th win.

    “If you don’t think this is a big deal for Ford,” Keselowski said, “then you’ve been misinformed. Biffle celebrated in Victory Lane with Miss Sprint Cup. Me? I got stuck with ‘Miss Informed.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson dominated at Pocono, leading 128 of the first 160 laps, and won the Party At The Poconos 500. His sizable lead in the point standings is now even larger, a 51-point cushion over Carl Edwards.

    “The depth of my domination cannot be overstated,” Johnson said. “There was a party in the Poconos, but there was no parity.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 25th at Pocono after late-race incident with Juan Montoya caused a spin and a loss of track position. Kenseth fell two spots in the point standings to sixth and trails Jimmie Johnson by 103.

    “At least we didn’t have an engine failure,” Kenseth said. “Toyota Racing Development has really worked tirelessly on their engine program. Unlike their engines, they just won’t quit.”

    3. Carl Edwards: Forced to make an unscheduled pit stop to check lug nuts, Edwards finished 18th at Pocono, equaling his worst finish of the year. He remained second in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 51.

    “In the Party In The Poconos,” Edwards said, “we were hoping to party like it was ’99.’

    “Johnson has been so dominant, there are those who think he will run away with the championship. That’s ludicrous. He can walk away with it.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick overcame an early pit road speeding penalty to take ninth at Pocono, earning his sixth top-10 result of the year. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 87 out of first.

    “Jimmie Johnson has three wins,” Harvick said. “I have two. I’m keeping him in my sights. I may be the only driver standing between Johnson and a sixth Cup. He knows I’m coming; Richard Childress knows I’m going.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch, in the M&M’s No. 18 Toyota, came home sixth at Pocono, joining teammate Denny Hamlin, who finished eighth, in the top 10.

    “The ‘Party In The Poconos 400’ was presented by Walmart,” Busch said. “Luckily, we were warned to look out for ‘falling prices.’”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished third at Pocono, posting his fourth top 5 of the year. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 82 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “As you may know,” Earnhardt said, “I’ll have a Superman paint scheme on my car at Michigan. As the man most known for his winless streaks, I’m more likely to see Lois Lane than Victory Lane.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: On a tough day for Michael Waltrip Racing, Bowyer finished 15th in the Party In The Poconos 400. Bowyer remained third in the point standings, 69 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I’m still looking for my first win of the year,” Bowyer said. “The law of averages says my winless streak should soon be a thing of the past. Much like a TNT commercial break, it has to end soon.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne suffered early drive train problems from the start at Pocono, resulting in a disappointing 36th. He dropped one place in the standings to eighth and is 121 out of first.

    “There was no Party In The Poconos for me,” Kahne said. “The No. 5 Hendrick car ran like crap. So, you could say our engine was a party ‘pooper.’”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led four laps early at Pocono but faded to 16th, continuing an uneventful season for the defending Sprint Cup champion. He is ninth in the point standings, 123 out of first.

    “You probably saw me make an incredible save after contact with Tony Stewart,” Keselowski said. “I believe I can top that save, but only if I can ‘save’ my season.

    “I was docked six points for failing inspection at Dover last week. But I’m trying to keep my head up. When it seems like your losing points every week, it’s difficult to remain ‘positive.’”

    10. Tony Stewart: Last week’s winner at Dover, Stewart finished fourth in the Party At The Poconos 400, recording his second consecutive top-5 finish.

    “Last week at Dover,” Stewart said, “Jimmie Johnson got ‘Smoked.’ This week at Pocono, he returned the favor, to the entire field.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was black-flagged for jumping the final restart at Dover, a mistake that most likely cost him his third win this season. After serving a drive-through penalty, Johnson finished 17th, one lap down.

    “Much like NASCAR did by allowing the NRA to sponsor a race,” Johnson said, “I jumped the gun. Needless to say, I won’t be exchanging pleasantries with NASCAR any time soon. We’re certainly not ‘BFF’s.’ After getting black flagged, it appears I got ‘BF-F’d.’

    “I don’t agree with the call. Obviously, it’s NASCAR’s last-ditch effort to add some color to the sport.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth’s day ended abruptly in Dover, as his engine blew on lap 159 with the lead. He finished 40th, his worst finish of the year, and fell one spot in the point standings to fourth, 74 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “That’s not the first engine to blow,” Kenseth said. “If it’s not our engine, it’s our ‘suspension’ holding us back. What do our engine and ‘suspension’ have in common? They both will ‘expire’ soon.”

    “But there’s one good thing about blowing an engine. The faulty parts get burned beyond recognition. Ha! Take that, NASCAR inspectors.”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 14th at Dover, as Roush Fenway Racing cars all finished in the top 15. Edwards remained second in the point standings, 30 out of first.

    “Roush cars took the 13th, 14th, and 15th spots,” Edwards said. “All week long, Ricky Stenhouse has been singing Al Green’s ‘Let’s Stay Together.’ I guess Greg Biffle and I thought he was singing to us.

    “But it remains to be seen what lasts longer for Stenhouse—his relationship, or his manhood.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 150 laps and finished fourth in the Fed Ex 400 at Dover International Raceway, posting his sixth top 5 of the year. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 99.

    “NASCAR races will soon be covered on TNT,” Busch said. “Interestingly enough, that’s home to the series Falling Skies. Fox recently became the home to a new series—Falling Cables.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home fourth at Dover, scoring the top finish for Michael Waltrip Racing. He moved up one spot to third in the point standings, and is 50 out of first.

    “We’re still searching for our first win of the year,” Bowyer said. “It’s not a matter of ‘if,’ it’s a matter of ‘when.’ That also applies to the matter of whether a Toyota engine will explode. In that respect, Toyota’s got a lot of ‘whens’ this year.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: After winning in Charlotte last week, Harvick finished eighth at Dover for his fifth top-10 result of the year. He is now fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 74 out of first.

    “The finish at Dover begs the question,” Harvick said. “Who’s faster? Jimmy John’s or Jimmie Johnson. All I know is that Jimmy John’s, unlike Jimmie Johnson, can’t get their too fast.”

    7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne led two laps early and was headed for a sure top-10 finish before a late incident left him with rear-end damage. He finished 23rd, four laps down, and fell two spots to seventh in the point standings, 81 out of first.

    “Have you heard?” Kahne said. “There’s a new swimsuit calendar coming out featuring 12 of NASCAR’s sexiest inspectors in bikinis. It’s called ‘Sanctioning Bodies.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski posted his first top-10 finish since Kansas with a fifth at Dover. The defending Sprint Cup champion is now eighth in the point standings, 98 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I’m well behind Johnson,” Keselowski said, “and my car failed post-race inspection at Dover. I’m the defending Cup champion, but I’m not driving like it. I don’t know who’s ‘come down’ harder this year—-NASCAR or me.

    “NASCAR said the front of our car was too low, and I was penalized for it. That’s odd, because as A.J. Allmendinger found out, Penske drivers are often penalized for being too high.”

    9. Tony Stewart: Stewart benefitted on Jimmie Johnson’s black flag and caught Juan Montoya with three laps to go to win the Fed Ex 400 at Dover. The win ended a four-month winless drought, and moved Stewart up to 16th in the point standings.

    “I like my wins like I like my food,” Stewart said. “Served on a silver platter. And apparently, I like my wins like I like my women—single. And, I like my wins like I like my engines—gift-wrapped from Hendrick Motorsports.”

    10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted a quiet 10th-place finish at Dover, collecting his eighth top 10 of the year. He remained sixth in the point standings, where he trails Jimmie Johnson by 75.

    “I still feel like we’re building on something here,” Earnhardt said. “Unfortunately, it’s another long winless streak.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson got loose and spun at Charlotte on lap 334, collecting Matt Kenseth. Johnson finished 22nd, five laps off the pace, but still holds a comfortable 32-point lead over Carl Edwards in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “I’ll say the same thing Kasey Kahne said on Sunday,” Johnson said. “’This seems like a comfortable lead.

    “But I’d like to apologize to Kenseth. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s a place I don’t visit often. I’m usually in the right place at the right time, five times.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth established himself early as the favorite to win at Charlotte, leading 112 laps before he slammed into Jimmie Johnson’s spinning No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet on lap 334. He finished 15th, two laps behind the leader.

    “Much like a Fox camera on a broken cable,” Kenseth said, “I had nowhere to go. But I took it in stride. Everyone knows I’m a cool customer, even under the greatest of stress. Unlike a Fox camera cable, I never ‘snap.’”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards remained second in the point standings with an 11th in Charlotte. He now trails Jimmie Johnson by only 32.

    “And I have a 19-point lead over third place,” Edwards said, “so it looks like I’ll be holding on to second. And I’m a pro when it comes to holding second. I did it for the entire 2011 Chase.”

    4. Kasey Kahne: Kahne had a comfortable lead with about 15 laps to go, but a caution resulting from debris from Jimmie Johnson’s damaged No. 48 cost Kahne the win. Kahne stayed out, while everyone trailing pitted for fresh tires. Kevin Harvick zoomed by on the restart, while Kahne held on for second.

    “Counting himself,” Kahne said, “Johnson cost three drivers the win.

    “As a driver sponsored by Time Warner Cable, I’m contractually obligated to say that our cable never goes down.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s fresh tires on the final pit stop put him in the lead on the final restart, and the Richard Childress driver pulled away to claim the Coca Cola 600, his second win of the year.

    “They call me ‘The Closer,’” Harvick said. “That’s either because of what I do at the end of races, or it’s what I did to the door at RCR.

    “I admire that television cable. It did something I’ve always wanted to do—-clothesline Kyle Busch. You can add ‘broken cable’ to the long list of things keeping Busch from winning a Cup.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished eighth in the Coca Cola 600, posting his sixth top 10 of the year. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 60 out of first.

    “It was a tough night for many in Charlotte,” Bowyer said, “especially the ten fans injured by a falling television cable. Normally, I’d offer them a shot of 5-Hour Energy drink, but the last thing they need to be is ‘wired.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch’s engine blew midway through the Coca Cola 600, relegating him to a 38th place finish. Earlier in the race with Busch leading, a freak accident portending later problems befell when a cable supporting a Fox camera fell, damaging the right side of Busch’s No. 18 M&M Toyota and red-flagging the race.

    “It was a double whammy,” Busch said. “One minute, the sky is falling; the next, the bottom’s dropping out.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: In only his second full race after returning from a back injury, Hamlin took fourth in the Coca Cola 600, his second consecutive top 5.

    “Most importantly,” Hamlin said, “I finished ahead of Joey Logano. I’m not a big fan of ‘Sliced Bread.’ You could say I have a loathe of ‘Bread.’”

    9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt’s engine blew in a cloud of smoke on lap 258, ending his day at Charlotte. He dropped two spots in the point standings to sixth, 81 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I’m sure the legions of Junior fans were disappointed,” Earnhardt said. “When my engine gave way, you could hear the collective sigh of disappointment. Or maybe that was just the sound of a broken cable knocking the wind out of them.”

    10 (tie): Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s troubles continued at Charlotte, as he was involved in a lap 319 spin with Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. and Danica Patrick. Keselowski fell four spots in the point standings to 10th, 110 out of first.

    “At least now,” Keselowski said, “I can say I’ve attended a couples ‘retreat.’ But it’s clear Stenhouse and Patrick have a lot in common. In this case, it’s rookie mistakes.”

    Kurt Busch: Busch led eight laps and finished third at Charlotte, posting his best finish of the year.

    “We’re holding our own against teams with much larger budgets,” Busch said. “Furniture Row Racing is a one-car team that spends considerably less than the big boys. Sunday in Charlotte, we ran like the big boys. It’s one of the few occasions I put my big boy panties on.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth in the Bojangles’ Southern 500 at Darlington, posting his sixth top 5 of the year and increasing his points lead. He now leads Carl Edwards by 44.

    “I’ve finished outside of the top 12 only once this year,” Johnson said. “That’s the type of consistency you won’t find anywhere, especially not in the NASCAR rule book.

    “I invite NASCAR to give my car the once-over. I have nothing to hide, and neither does Chad Knaus, save for his receding hairline. The measure of a driver shouldn’t be made in millimeters or grams, but in Cup championships. That makes me the ‘heavy.’”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards took seventh in Darlington, scoring his seventh top-10 result of the season. He trails Jimmie Johnson by 44 in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “It was a heck of a week for Kenseth,” Edwards said. “He was two for two—he beat the field and the system.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished ninth in the Southern 500 in a race dominated by the Toyotas of Joe Gibbs Racing. Earnhardt now holds the fourth spot in the point standings, trailing Jimmie Johnson by 64.

    “Gibbs cars claimed the 1, 2, and 6 spots,” Earnhardt said. “Unfortunately for them, it’s in the inspection line. Inspecting a JGR engine is a lot like taking a walk through the camping area of Junior Nation—there’s no telling what you’ll find, but chances are, it’s illegal.”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the lead from Kyle Busch with 13 laps to go and sailed to the win in the Southern 500, his first win at Darlington. His third win of the year boosted him to third in the point standings, 59 out of first.

    “Hopefully,” Kenseth said, “Busch isn’t the only thing I’ll ‘pass’ this week.

    “Recent history suggests I should possibly delay in celebrating this victory. I think we all, inspectors included, know that’s a ‘proper wait.’”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 265 laps at Darlington, but faltered over the final ten laps due to a leaking rear tire and finished sixth. Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Matt Kenseth and Denny Hamlin finished first and second, respectively.

    “Nothing takes the air out of sails like the air out of your tires,” Busch said. “That tire snatched the win right out from under me. I guess you would call it ‘burn’ rubber.”

    “My brother Kurt just completed his rookie test for the Indianapolis 500, thus giving him a license to compete in the 500. I say that’s unfair. When I went over 200 miles per hour in a borrowed car, I had my license taken.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th at Darlington, joining Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. in the top 12. Bowyer is now fifth in the point standings, 74 out of first.

    “They call Darlington Raceway the ‘Lady In Black,’” Bowyer said. “According to David Gilliland, that wasn’t the only female at the track. There was one he called the ‘Bitch In Green.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished nine laps down in 32nd at Darlington, two weeks after an equally-disappointing 33rd at Richmond. The defending Sprint Cup champion is sixth in the point standings, 97 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Johnson has enough Cups to fill a trophy case,” Keselowski said. “I have enough to fill a jock strap.

    “After winning the Cup last year, I haven’t done much this season. I guess that’s why you haven’t heard a peep, nor a tweet, from me.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: In his first full race since injuring his back at California, Hamlin finished second in the Southern 500 as Joe Gibbs teammate Matt Kenseth won.

    “I needed medical clearance before I could race,” Hamlin said. “And I got it. Here at Gibbs Racing, we like to say I ‘passed inspection.’”

    9. Kasey Kahne: While challenging Kyle Busch for the lead with 33 laps to go, Kahne’s No. 5 Time Warner Cable Chevy got loose and slammed the wall. Kahne eventually finished 17th and is now sixth in the point standings, 97 out of first.

    “Including Daytona and Talladega,” Kahne said, “that’s the third time this year Kyle and I have made contact that resulted in a wreck. I’m not happy. Kyle’s ‘razing Kahne,’ so I’ll ‘give ‘im hell.’”

    10. Kevin Harvick: One week after a 40th at Talladega, Harvick rebounded with a fifth in the Bojangles’ Southern 500. It was only Harvick’s second top-5 finish of the year.

    “Toyotas have won six races this year,” Harvick said. “I’ve won one, and it was called the ‘Toyota Owners 400.’ That’s called ‘irony,’ and it also applies to a Japanese automaker dominating an American sport. To the head honchos at NASCAR, that’s got to be ‘dis-Orient-ing.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fifth at Talladega in the rain-delayed Aaron’s 499 at Talladega. His lead in the Sprint Cup point standings is now 41 over Carl Edwards.

    “What an ending!” Johnson said. “It reminded me a lot of former NASCAR driver Kimi Raikkonen’s NASCAR skills—it was a ‘wild Finnish.’”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished third in the Aaron’s 499 at Talladega, losing the lead on the final lap as David Ragan grabbed an unlikely win. Edwards is second in the point standings, 41 out of first.

    “Ragan came out of nowhere,” Edwards said. “And that’s probably where he’ll return.

    “As one of NASCAR’s manliest of men, I’d like to comment on the NBA’s Jason Collins announcing that he’s gay. I think NASCAR is ready for a homosexual driver. She better be really hot, though.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt slipped through the chaos of a wreck six laps from the to salvage a 17th at Talladega. He moved up two places to third in the point standings to third, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 46.

    “I was just happy to see the finish line,” Earnhardt said. “It was a war of attrition. That’s not to be confused with the “War Of Attrition,” which, according to many of my fans, was won by the South.”

    4. Kasey Kahne: Kahne was taken out at Talladega when Kyle Busch sent him spinning on lap 44, triggering the ‘Big One’ that eliminated 13 cars from contention. Kahne finished 42nd and fell one place in the point standings to fourth, 46 out of first.

    “Busch used to drive the No. 5 car,” Kahne said. “And, as of lap 44 at Talladega, so did I.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer suffered significant damage in a big crash six laps from the end at Talladega, but managed to wheel the No. 15 Toyota to an 18-place finish. He is fourth in the point standings, 67 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “Brad Keselowski wasn’t too happy with the way the cars lined up on the final restart,” Bowyer said. “So he took to Twitter to whine. I hear he changed his Twitter handle to “sshole.” Sunday’s result must have left a sour taste in his mouth. That gives him the ‘tart’ of a champion?”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth in the rain-interrupted Aaron’s 499 at Talladega, posting his fourth top 5 of the year. The defending Sprint Cup champion is fifth in the point standings, 69 out of first.

    “For a while,” Keselowski said, “it appeared the race would be much like our rear housing at Texas—‘shortened.’

    “NASCAR denied our appeal for penalties incurred for illegal parts at Texas. And they surely didn’t Tweet their response. Oh no. It came on paper, and it was called a ‘cheat sheet.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch triggered a huge lap 44 wreck in the Aaron’s 499 when he tried to move around the No. 5 Chevy of Kasey Kahne. The pileup wiped out 13 cars, including Tony Stewart, Greg Biffle, Kevin Harvick, and Tony Stewart. Busch eventually finished 37th and is now ninth in the point standings, 98 out of first.

    “Kurt may be the older brother,” Busch said, “but now, several drivers are calling me the ‘Big One.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 142 of 192 laps on the day, and led at the green-white-checkered finish, but finished eighth after the Front Row Motorsports duo of David Ragan and David Gilliland zoomed to the front.

    “I’ve been a lame duck,” Kenseth said, “and I’ve been intimidated by the Aflac duck. On Sunday, I was a sitting duck there at the end.

    “Former Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron drove the pace car for Sunday’s race. There was talk that his girlfriend, Katherine Webb, would drive the pace car. That fell through, because David Gilliland refuses to follow a woman.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 10th at Talladega in the No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports Ford. He is now seventh in the Sprint Cup standings, 90 out of first.

    “You just never know what’s going to happen at Talladega,” Almirola said. “There were a lot of ‘unknowns,’ like the parts used by Penske and Joe Gibbs.

    10. David Ragan: Ragan, pushed by Front Row Motorsports teammate David Gilliland, won the Aaron’s 499 in improbable fashion, outgunning Jimmie Johnson, Carl Edwards, and Matt Kenseth in an exciting green-white-checkered finish.

    “Just call Gilliand and I the ‘Aero-Dynamic Duo,’” Ragan said. “I haven’t got that big of a ‘push’ since Jack Roush showed me the door.

    “FRM is a small-time operation with nothing near the budget of the large teams. Not only did we accomplish the Talladega sweep with inferior equipment, we did it with legal equipment.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Despite being collected in a spin initiated by Tony Stewart and finishing 12th, Johnson increased his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. He now leads Carl Edwards by 43.

    “My points lead is so big,” Johnson said, “only a NASCAR inspection could do anything about it.

    “I got ‘Smoked;’ now, I’m ‘Steamed.’ Stewart may be a three-time Cup champion, but judging by his performance this year, I’m not sure I want any of him ‘rubbing off’ on me.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished sixth at Richmond, posting his fifth top-10 result of the year. He jumped four spots to second in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 43.

    “How about Matt Kenseth and his connecting rods?” Edwards said. “NASCAR says they didn’t weigh enough. I would tend to agree, because I’ve known Kenseth was a lightweight for years.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt scored his first top-10 finish in the month of April with a 10th in the Toyota Owners 400. He is third in the point standings, 46 out of first.

    “It was wild at Richmond International Speedway,” Earnhardt said. “There were nut shots, fights, and arrests. It reminded me of Mother’s Day with Teresa.

    “I may be a ‘Junior,’ but I wouldn’t stoop so low as to kick a competitor in the balls. If I’m going to kick someone where it hurts, it will be a fan of Junior Nation, in the wallet, at the merchandise stand.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 113 laps at Richmond and finished second to former teammate Kevin Harvick. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 53 out of first.

    “I was the top Toyota finisher,” Bowyer said. “Which means NASCAR will be watching me as intently as I watch Jeff Gordon.

    “In the wake of the Matt Kenseth penalties, Toyota Racing Development recalled three of my engines. Now, Michael Waltrip can say he’s just like an ordinary Toyota owner, because now he’s experienced a recall.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led a race-high 140 laps at Richmond and finished seventh after a mad green-white-checkered scramble at the finish. It was an impressive result, coming just days after NASCAR levied harsh penalties on the team for illegal parts.

    “I don’t agree with NASCAR’s penalties,” Kenseth said. “I feel they were much too strict with their inspection. In other words, I was ‘screw-tinized.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled at Richmond, finishing 33rd, eight laps down, his worst finish of the season. He is now sixth in the point standings, 59 out of first.

    “It’s good to see NASCAR’s focus on something other than Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “Penalties have become so commonplace, there’s practically no difference in the questions ‘Witch hunt?’ and ‘Which hunt?’”

    “Among kicks in the balls in NASCAR this year, Nelson Piquet, Jr.’s may be the most blatant. Is it a surprise that Piquet’s right foot was in Brian Scott’s crotch? Not really, because it certainly wasn’t on the gas pedal.

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dashed from seventh to first on the chaotic green-white-checkered finish at Richmond, earning him his first win of the season. Harvick took four tires and, after a great restart, easily picked off Jeff Burton to take the lead.

    “I found some extra motivation,” Harvick said. “Some Richard Childress Racing drivers needed a kick in the pants, not in the balls. Of course, I was lucky to win. While Nelson Piquet, Jr.’s may have put one up Brian Scott’s, I pulled “one” out of mine. And it didn’t hurt nearly as much.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 21st in the Toyota Owners 400 on a night when only one Hendrick Motorsports driver finished in the top 10. Kahne is tied for third in the point standings, 46 out of first.

    “It was a wild weekend at Richmond,” Kahne said. “Now, I can say the same thing to Nelson Piquet, Jr. that I would say to a lovely Sprint Cup girl: ‘nice rack.’ Between them, my teammates Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon have nine Cups. Hopefully, they can spare one for me to wear.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch’s No. 18 Toyota was damaged when Jimmie Johnson’s No. 48, sent reeling by Tony Stewart, spun into Busch’s path. Busch eventually finished 24th, ending his run of four consecutive spring victories at Richmond.

    “They say good things come in three’s,” Busch said. “But bad things come in two’s, like damaged Busch brother cars at Richmond, Tony Stewart chins, and bruised Brian Scott testicles.”

    10. Greg Biffle: Biffle suffered a broken shock and spun about midway through Saturday’s race. He finished 36th, 15 laps down, and tumbled four spots in the point standings. He is now eighth, 71 out of first.

    “Of all the wild occurrences over the weekend,” Biffle said, “mine was the least shocking. Take it from Brian Scott—a swift kick in the nuts can really cause momentary confusion. Medically, that’s known as a loss of your ball bearings.

    “But Nelson Piquet, Jr. isn’t completely at fault. He made millions of NFL fans happy, because ‘foot-ball’ season came early this year.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third in the STP 400 at Kansas and lengthened his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. He now leads Hendrick teammate Kasey Kahne by 37.

    “That’s a heck of a cushion after eight races,” Johnson said. “If there were debris cautions in the point standings, NASCAR would fly one now

    “Brad Keselowski swears his team did nothing wrong. He gives new meaning to the term ‘defending’ champ. Penske is appealing their punishment, but NASCAR probably won’t change their mind. That ship has sailed, or better yet, that ship has been ‘docked.’”

    2. Kasey Kahne: Kahne posted his fifth top 5 of the year, taking the runner-up spot in the STP 400 at Kansas Motor Speedway. He leaped five places in the point standings to second, where he trails Jimmie Johnson by 37.

    “I just couldn’t make the pass on Matt Kenseth,” Kahne said. “He’s like the NASCAR rule book to Penske Racing—there’s just no getting around it.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski closed an eventful week with a sixth in the STP 400, overcoming early damage to claim his seventh top-10 finish of the year. Earlier in the week, the No. 2 Miller Lite team was docked 25 points for an unapproved part in Texas.

    “As you may have seen,” Keselowski said, “my rear bumper cover flew off near the end of the race. That’s not the only time my car’s rear end has been ‘uncovered’ lately.

    “I’m sure NASCAR has heard enough me lately. It’s not often NASCAR quotes David Gilliland, but they’d like me to ‘shut up and race.’”

    4. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 19th at Kansas on a tough day for Roush Fenway Racing, as the team failed to produce a top-10 finish. Biffle fell one spot to fourth in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 47.

    “Roger Penske said the team was working in a ‘gray area’ of the rule book,” Biffle said. “Apparently, that’s another area in which NASCAR lacks ‘color.’”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled in the STP 400, spinning twice, the second of which sent him into the wall and sliding into the path of Joey Logano’s No. 22 Penske Ford, which slammed Busch’s Toyota. Both cars were done for the day, and Busch finished 38th, his worst finish this season since a 34th at Daytona.

    “Logano has a ‘nose’ for Joe Gibbs Racing cars,” Busch said. “That’s in stark contrast to his ‘tail’ for NASCAR inspectors.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 16th at Kansas, his third consecutive finish outside the top 10. After taking the points lead after a runner-up finish at California, Earnhardt is now tied for fifth, 35 out of first.

    “That last caution ruined our chances,” Earnhardt said. “I hate flag waving, unless it’s green, checkered, or done by my fanatical fan base. But I’m not one to complain. I don’t need some two-bit driver to tell me to ‘shut up and race.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth won his second race of the year, capturing the STP 400 after a timely caution flag gave him the lead with about 40 laps to go. He held off Kasey Kahne down the stretch, and is now eighth in the point standings, 59 out of first.

    “Thank goodness for Brad Keselowski’s rear bumper flying off,” Matt Kenseth. “And I commend Keselowski for his defiance. NASCAR throws the book at him, and he throws back! He’s one tough customer. If he were a professional wrestler, he would hail from ‘Parts Unknown.’”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 19 laps at Kansas but fell a lap down after an untimely caution and finished 17th. He fell one spot to sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 49 out of first.

    “I’m no stranger to having a muscular physique, Edwards said. “And I’m no stranger to losing points due to a failed inspection. You could say I’ve been ‘sculpted’ and ‘busted.’”

    9. Paul Menard: Menard led the Richard Childress Racing charge at Kansas, finishing 10th while teammate Kevin Harvick came home 12th. Menard is now 10th in the point standings, 71 out of the lead.

    “Harvick has an average finish of 16th this season,” Menard said. “On a related note, Jimmy John’s has introduced a new topping for their sandwiches in Kevin’s honor—-it’s called the ‘medi-okra.’”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer posted his fourth top-5 result of the season with a fifth in the STP 400. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 64 out of first.

    “David Gilliland did what many of us have wanted to,” Bowyer said. “No, not put Danica in her place, but talk dirty to her.

    “As you may have heard, I just opened the Clint Bowyer Autoplex in Emporia, Kansas. It’s been a dream of mine to own my own car dealership. Let that be a lesson to the youngsters: if you chase your dreams, you may catch them. And, if you chase Jeff Gordon, you may not.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took sixth in the NRA 500 at Texas Motor Speedway on Saturday night and held on to the lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. He leads Brad Keselowski by nine points.

    “I think leaving Texas with the points lead is important,” Johnson said, “and a good sign that I’ll win my sixth Sprint Cup championship. Just call me ‘number 1 with a bullet.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch completed the sweep at Texas, following his Friday Nationwide win with a Saturday triumph in the NRA 500. Busch beat Martin Truex, Jr. out of the pits on the race’s final caution and led the final 16 laps.

    “I led 171 laps on Saturday night,” Busch said, “or as they’re called at Texas Motor Speedway, ‘rounds.’

    “With Denny Hamlin out with a back injury, and Matt Kenseth his typical hum-drum self, Joe Gibbs Racing is truly in a Lone Star ‘state.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the NRA 500 after scrambling to change the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge’s rear-end housing, which NASCAR had deemed illegal. After the race, Keselowski lashed out at NASCAR, claiming his team had been unfairly targeted in the garage area.

    “NASCAR can kiss my rear-end housing,” Keselowski said. “I apologize for my rant, but what better place than the NRA 500 to go ballistic on NASCAR. And what better place for NASCAR to wield its itchy trigger finger when it comes to accessing inspections.”

    4. Kasey Kahne: Kahne just missed his fifth top-10 finish of the year with an 11th in the NRA 500. He is seventh in the point standings, 37 out of first.

    “I’m not sure the NRA will be back as a sponsor for a race,” Kahne said. “But Mark Martin’s got a plan. Since he’s real tight with the rap community, he thinks there should be the ‘NWA 500.’ Of course, that’s pending NASCAR approval, as well as the construction of a track in Compton, California.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano nearly missed the start of Saturday’s race, arriving late to the grid after a NASCAR inspection forced the No. 22 team to change the car’s rear-end housing. After starting at the back of the field, Logano worked his way to a fifth-place finish, and moved up two places to ninth in the point standings.

    “Starting at the back of the field?” Logano said. “That’s the real ‘rear-end housing.’

    “Luckily, though, the lengthy inspection process afforded me ample time to catch up on some reading, particularly some dated copies of Denny Hamlin Magazine. They’re called ‘back issues.’”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 15th in the NRA 500, as Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. took the runner-up spot. Bowyer remained eighth in the point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 61.

    “I support the 2nd Amendment,” Bowyer said. “And, I also support the ‘5th’ Amendment—5-Hour Energy shots for everyone!”

    7. Greg Biffle: A strong run at Texas for Roush Fenway Racing saw Biffle finish fourth, one spot behind teammate Carl Edwards. Biffle is now fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 30 out of first.

    “Did someone at Hendrick Motorsports rat out Penske Racing?” Biffle said. “Conspiracy theories abound, with many saying someone at Hendrick pointed NASCAR in the direction of the Penske car’s rear housings. And when Rick Hendrick says ‘jump,’ NASCAR asks the same thing as they do of the height of Penske rear-end housings—‘how high?’”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt lost battery power while running third on Saturday night, but didn’t realize it was a battery issue until later. Instead of switching to backup power, Earnhardt pitted, and after an unfortunate series of events, Earnhardt was penalized twice. He finished 29th, four laps down.

    “Luckily,” Earnhardt said, “I only shot myself in the foot. Unfortunately, I thought the problem was something else, and not the battery. That’s called ‘getting jumped’ to a conclusion.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his fourth top-5 result of the season with a third in the NRA 500. He improved two places to fifth in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 35.

    “I felt right at home at TMS,” Edwards said. “As NASCAR’s resident fitness freak, I feel quite comfortable showing my ‘guns.’ And what about these super fans here in Texas, all decked out in their sleeveless shirts. Obviously, they support the right to bare arms.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 12th at Texas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch won from the pole. Kenseth is now 11th in the point standings, 65 out of first.

    “We had a mishap in the pits in which a crew member’s foot caught fire,” Kenseth said. “God bless his sole, we extinguished it before any damage was done.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson won from the pole at Martinsville, leading 347 of 500 laps to win the STP Gas Booster 500, his eighth win at the Virginia half-mile track. Johnson claimed the points lead, and now leads Brad Keselowski by six.

    “Eight wins at Martinsville is amazing,” Johnson said. “So is the number of grandfather clocks I’ve amassed. Those clocks really come in handy at Martinsville, mostly to measure my margin of victory.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Martinsville, posting his fourth top-10 result of the year. He is second in the point standings, six behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I support the actions of my Penske teammate Joey Logano,” Keselowski said. “Despite his age, diminutive frame, and general goofiness, he is one tough customer, and not afraid to assert himself. With the NRA 500 coming up, I think it’s a good time to say that Joey is a lot like NASCAR—he’s not gun-shy.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt’s day ended on a sour note as a late spin left him two laps down and in 24th place in the STP Gas Booster 500. He tumbled from the top of the Sprint Cup point standings, and is now third, 12 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “It was a good, albeit short, week on top,” Earnhardt said. “For all the problems my car experienced Sunday at Martinsville, gear box trouble was not one of them, because I was definitely not stuck in ‘first.’”

    4. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished fourth at Martinsville as Hendrick Motorsports claimed three of the top 4 spots in the STP Gas Booster 500. He is fifth in the point standings, 32 out of first.

    “I won at Texas in 2006,” Kahne said, “and I proudly hoisted the ceremonial six-shooters in Victory Lane. On Sunday, I don’t plan on letting anyone infringe on my right to again bear arms.”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer recovered from early damage to take the runner-up spot at Martinsville, holding off Jeff Gordon on a late restart. Bowyer is now eighth in the point standings, 52 out of first.

    “It was quite a turnabout from last year at Phoenix,” Bowyer said “This time, Gordon was chasing me. And, just like last year, nothing would have happened had he caught me.

    “As you may have heard, I landed sponsorship from Gander Mountain for next week’s NRA 500 at Texas. So our team we’ll be well-heeled, while the race itself will be well-armed.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch led 56 laps and finished fifth at Martinsville, posting his fourth top 5 of the season. He is fourth in the point standings, 28 out of first.

    “That’s four consecutive top 5’s,” Busch said. “So, when you say ‘Busch is on fire,’ you’ll have to be more specific. It’s certainly not the first time Kurt’s been fired. But let’s hand it to Kurt—he’s usually starting fires; this time, he put one out.”

    7. Greg Biffle: Biffle was the top finisher for Roush Fenway Racing, registering a ninth in the STP Gas Booster 500. He is now fifth in the point standings, 32 out of first.

    “Luckily,” Biffle said, “there was no controversy involving Joey Logano at Martinsville. He may be the most-watched driver right now. All eyes, particularly Denny Hamlin’s evil one, were on Logano.

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished a disappointing 15th at Martinsville after electing to pit for fresh tires on a late pit stop. He dropped three places in the point standings to seventh, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 38.

    “It would be a dream come true to win the NRA 500 next week in Texas,” Edwards said. “Then, I could perform my signature back flip and land in open ‘arms.’”

    9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon joined Hendrick teammates Jimmie Johnson and Kasey Kahne in the top 5 with a third at Martinsville. Gordon chased Clint Bowyer after the final restart with eight laps to go, but could never overtake him.

    “I tried my hardest to put Bowyer ‘behind’ me,” Gordon said. “But try as I might, someone always ends up asking me about the incident in Phoenix.”

    10. Mark Martin: Martin, driving for the injured Denny Hamlin, took the No. 11 FedEx Toyota to a 10th-place finish at Martinsville, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch, who finished fifth, in the top 10.

    “I was two laps down at one point, ” Martin said. “In the No. 11 car, that’s called ‘back’ trouble.”