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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted his third top-5 result of the year with the runner-up in the Auto Club 400 and took over the top spot in the Sprint Cup point standings. He leads Brad Keselowski by 12.

“I’m keeping this in perspective,” Earnhardt said. “We’re only making one t-shirt design commemorating this moment. Sales will be brisk, and much like me atop the rankings, they should be gone in a week.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch avoided the Denny Hamlin-Joey Logano disaster in front of him on the last lap and drove to the win in the Auto Club 400. Busch is now sixth in the point standings, 36 out of first.

“For those that don’t think I know how to avoid controversy,” Busch said, “take that. I went right around it. Thanks are in order to my former teammate Logano. In this case, he gave me a going-away present.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at California as the Joey Logano-Denny Hamlin wreck unfolded in front of him on the final lap. Johnson remained third in the point standings, and trails Hendrick teammate Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by 16.

“Obviously,” Johnson said, “Logano and Hamlin have some history. And Tony Stewart and Logano have some ‘language.’ And I’m sure all three will be summoned to the NASCAR hauler for social studies.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled late at Fontana 1.5-mile oval, finishing a disappointing 23rd in the Auto Club 400. He dropped out of the lead in the point standings and is now second, 12 behind Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

“Joey Logano is quickly becoming the most-hated driver in NASCAR,” Keselowski said. “It seems that everybody wants a piece of ‘Sliced Bread.’ I have millions of followers on Twitter. Logano has only one follower—-controversy.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fourth in the Auto Club 400, earning his third top-5 finish of the year. He improved three places in the point standings to fourth, 35 out of first.

“I hear Kyle Busch is scheduled to appear on Anger Management with Charlie Sheen,” Edwards said. “I’ll tell you who needs anger management—-Tim Richmond, because he’s not alive today to hang out with Sheen. Let’s hope Sheen doesn’t pressure Busch into snorting cocaine off the hood of the No. 18 Toyota. That would be called an ‘engine blow.’”

6. Greg Biffle: Biffle’s No. 16 Fusion was one of three Fords in the top 10 at California, recording a sixth in the Auto Club 400. He is now fourth in the point standings, 35 out of first.

“I think Tony Stewart was wrong to go after Joey Logano,” Biffle said. “How dare he attack someone nearly 1/2 his age, and nearly 1/3 his weight.”

7. Paul Menard: Menard led the Richard Childress Racing charge at California, finishing eighth as teammates Kevin Harvick and Jeff Burton finished outside the top 10.

“Ho hum,” Menard said. “Another NASCAR ‘fight’ in which no meaningful punches were landed. Punches in NASCAR fights are like spoilers—they catch air.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano led 41 laps at California, but not the last one, as he and former teammate Denny Hamlin scrapped in Turn 4, sending Hamlin hard into the inside wall while Kyle Busch slipped by for the win. Logano survived to finish third, his first top-5 of the year.

“Don’t forget,” Logano said, “I also tangled with Tony Stewart after the race. He claimed I blocked him on the restart. And I guess if Tony Stewart says you blocked, then you blocked. I may only be only 22, but Stewart seems to be the immature one. That’s why I tossed a water bottle at him—I was giving him a ‘baby’ shower.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 25th in the Auto Club 400 after his last-lap tangle with Joey Logano that send Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota hard into the infield wall. He suffered a compression fracture of his L1 vertebrae.

“Mark my words,” Hamlin said, “I’ll be ‘back.’ And once I return, Logano should ‘brace’ for retaliation.”

10. Kurt Busch: With brother Kyle scoring a dramatic win, Kurt took fifth in the Auto Club 400, his second top-5 result of the season.

“I can relate to what Joey Logano must be feeling,” Busch said. “I know exactly what it’s like to be attacked by Tony Stewart. My advice is to turn the other cheek. Why? Because you have two of them, just like that ‘ass.’”

March 26, 2013
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Bristol and snatched the points lead from Jimmie Johnson, who finished 22nd, two laps down. Keselowski now leads Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by nine.

“I finished the race sandwiched between the two Busch brothers,” Keselowski said, “which is like being between a rock and a hard head. Many have often said that a ‘championship’ might someday come between the Busch brothers. Thanks to me, it just did.”

2. Kasey Kahne: Kahne wrested the lead from Brad Keselowski on a lap 460 restart and pulled away for the win in the Food City 500, Kahne’s first win at Bristol.

“The No. 5 Great Clips Chevrolet was amazing,” Kahne said, “and just a hair better than everyone else. In honor of the track they call the ‘Bull Ring’ and in honor of my current favorite sponsor, I plan to get a ‘bull cut.’”

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted his fourth top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Bristol. He moved up one spot to second in the Sprint Cup point standings and now trails Brad Keselowski by nine.

“They call this a ‘promising’ start,” Earnhardt said, “mostly because I can’t ‘promise’ it will continue.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson hammered the wall with 46 laps to go at Bristol and limped home to a 22nd in the Food City 500. He tumbled from the top of the Sprint Cup point standings and is now in third, 15 behind Brad Keselowski.

“Like Joey Logano,” Johnson said, “I hit the wall on Sunday. Unlike Logano, I didn’t go talk to one after the race. This Logano-Denny Hamlin feud could potentially come to a head, but I doubt it. Their threats were much like Bristol’s seats on Sunday—empty.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was headed for a likely top-5 finish at Bristol, but cut a tire with eight laps to go and scraped the wall continuously as he struggled to a 23rd-place finish. Afterwards, Hamlin was accosted by former teammate Joey Logano, who was spun into the wall by Hamlin earlier.

“Look at this,” Hamlin said. “Just four races in, and Logano’s dying to get back in a Toyota.

“I’m not in the least bit afraid of Logano. They call him ‘Sliced Bread,’ but there’s certainly no yeast in that bread, because Logano’s never ‘risen’ to anything, much less a challenge.”

6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth in the Food City 500, posting his first top-5 of the year. He improved five spots in the point standings to fourth, and now trails Brad Keselowski by 38.

“’It’s Bristol! They’re fighting!’ I famously quoted after the race,” Bowyer said. “That makes me the ‘ring announcer.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch registered his second straight top-5 finish with a runner-up at Bristol. He jumped seven spots in the point standings to 10th, and is now 51 out of first.

“No one enjoyed my spirited battle with Brad Keselowski more than me,” Busch said. “Brad famously called me an ‘ass’ once at Bristol; in case he’d forgotten, I gave him a good look at it on Sunday.”

8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was running second when leader Jeff Gordon blew a tire and collected Kenseth’s No. 20 Chevrolet, eliminating them both from the race. Kenseth finished 35th and is now 63 out of the lead in the points standings.

“Take it from Clint Bowyer,” Kenseth said. “’Following’ Jeff Gordon can only lead to bad things for both teams in the garage.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled in the Food City 500, finishing one lap down in 18th. He is now seventh in the point standings, 42 out of first.

“I was ill for most of the race,” Edwards said. “I said ‘Aflac’ several times during the race, but it had nothing to do with supplemental insurance. At least for a day, the Aflac mascot was no longer a duck, but a ‘yak.’”

10. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 11th at Bristol, posting Roush Fenway’s top finish. He is now fifth in the point standings, 40 out of first.

“There are power couples,” Biffle said, “like Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. And there are power couples, like Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn. I find it refreshing that Woods has gone public with a relationship, this time on purpose.”

March 19, 2013
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth at Las Vegas and maintained his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. Johnson leads Brad Keselowski by five points.

“It’s always good to leave Las Vegas on top,” Johnson said. “The season is shaping up to be a two-man battle for the Sprint Cup championship. Who’s going to win it, me or Keselowski? I don’t have a clue, but if I was a detective, I’d have a ‘lead.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole in the Kobalt Tools 400 and finished third, his third top-5 result of the year. Keselowski now trails Jimmie Johnson by five in the point standings.

“It was quite an awkward moment when the Miller Lite Ford was awarded the Coors Light Pole Award,” Keselowski said. “Luckily, my ‘wide mouth’ didn’t ‘vent,’ thereby avoiding a ‘vortex’ of controversy.”

3. Matt Kenseth: On his 41st birthday, Kenseth held off Kasey Kahne to win the Kobalt Tools 400, his 25th career Sprint Cup win.

“How about that race trophy I was awarded?” Kenseth said. “Toyota engine issues aside, Joe Gibbs, for once, is happy to have a wrench thrown into his operation.

“I became just the third driver to win on his birthday. Carl Edwards threatened to give me a ‘spanking,’ but I politely declined.”

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted his third top-10 finish of the year with a seventh at Las Vegas. He now trails Jimmie Johnson by 10 in the point standings.

“I’m off to the best three-race start of my career,” Earnhardt said. “And I’m still in third.

“I hear they’ve chosen a grand marshal for the April race in Texas. His name is ‘N.R. Ray,’ and I understand he’ll be packing a starter’s pistol.”

5. Denny Hamlin: An eventful week for Hamlin culminated with a 15th at Las Vegas, as Joe Gibbs teammate Matt Kenseth won the Kobalt Tools 400. Earlier in the week, Hamlin was fined $25,000 for making critical comments about the new Gen-6 car.

“There’s five digits in $25,000,” Hamlin said. “Unfortunately for NASCAR, they’ll only see one of them.”

6. Carl Edwards: Edwards backed up his win at Phoenix with a solid fifth at Las Vegas, earning his second top 5 of the year. He moved up six spots to fifth in the point standings, 31 out of first.

“I hear Danica Patrick was hit in the head by a rock,” Edwards said. “If it’s anything like her driving, I’m sure it left a dent.”

7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne No. 5 Chevy was clearly the class of the Kobalt Tools 400, but lost the race off pit road to Matt Kenseth on the final caution. Kahne tracked down Matt Kenseth but was unable to make the winning pass and settled for second.

“I’m amazed that Kenseth could hold me off on old tires,” Kahne said. “And speaking of ‘old’ and ‘tired,’ how about the racing at Las Vegas. Maybe Denny Hamlin was on to something. His children may not be, but his points sure are legitimate.”

8. Mark Martin: Martin finished 14th in the Kobalt Tools, as Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. finished eighth. Martin is sixth in the point standings, 34 out of first.

“Much like my homeboy 50 Cent to find black people at Daytona,” Martin said, “I’m on a fruitless quest of my own—-to win a Sprint Cup championship.

9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 17th in the Kobalt Tools 400 as former Roush Fenway teammate Matt Kenseth took the win. Biffle is tied for seventh in the point standings, 36 out of first.

“Congratulations to Matt,” Biffle said. “I knew he’d do well in the Dollar General Toyota. When you combine Matt’s boring personality in a car with ‘Dollar’ on the side, you get a character named ‘So-So Money.’

10. Kyle Busch: Busch overcame an early pit road speeding penalty to claim fourth in the Kobalt Tools 400.

“Pit road speeding is exactly what you’d expect from Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “Usually, it happens when we’re in a hurry to make an engine change.”

March 12, 2013
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished second in the Subway Fresh Fit 500, following his Daytona 500 with a near-win at Phoenix. Johnson extended his points lead and now holds an eight point advantage over Brad Keselowski and Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

“Carl Edwards’ back flip wasn’t the only leap he made on Sunday,” Johnson said. “He ‘jumped’ all the restarts, as well.

“I signed a contract extension to keep Lowe’s on my car through 2015. They’ve been with me for all five of my Sprint Cup titles. There’s more than one reason Lowe’s is known as a ‘hardware’ store.”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski notched his second consecutive fourth-place finish, finishing at Phoenix behind Carl Edwards, Jimmie Johnson, and Denny Hamlin. Keselowski now trails Johnson by eight points in the Sprint Cup standings.

“It was a quiet day for me,” Keselowski said, “which is exactly how NASCAR wants it. They want their drivers to avoid controversy while they go out and get the NRA to sponsor a race. I’ve got one thing to say about that, but I can’t, because I’ve been fitted with a silencer.

“There’s a fine line between being the ‘voice’ of NASCAR and being the ‘mouth’ of NASCAR. Apparently, I’m the only driver with sponsors and censors.”

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt continued his hot start to the season by leading 47 laps and finishing fifth at Phoenix. His two top-5 results on the year place him second in the point standings, five behind Jimmie Johnson.

“Being second in the point standings is always a good sign,” Earnhardt said. “Unfortunately, it’s only a good sign that it’s very early in the season.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took the third spot at Phoenix after starting at the back of the field after an engine change. He is tied for fourth in the point standings, 18 behind Jimmie Johnson.

“I made what is called a ‘Kamikaze’ move on the final lap,” Hamlin said. “On that subject, any time a Joe Gibbs Racing car starts a race, it’s a Kamikaze move, because, chances are, it’s going to ‘die.’

“If there was a children’s book written about Joe Gibbs Racing, it would be called ‘The Little Engine That Might.’”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 122 of 316 laps and survived a late caution and restart to snap a 70-race winless streak with a win in the Subway Fresh Fit 500. Edwards led the final 78 laps and held off Jimmie Johnson to put the No. 99 Roush Fenway Ford in Victory Lane for the first time since Las Vegas in 2011.

“I went through 42 cars to finish at Phoenix,” Edwards said. “That’s just slightly more than the number of cars I ‘went through’ to finish at Daytona.

“And speaking of Daytona, I felt a lot like debris after the race at Phoenix, because I made contact with fans through the fence.”

6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth at Phoenix, following his 11th at Daytona with a solid run in the desert. He is now ninth in the point standings, 13 out of first.

“I’m happy with our finish,” Bowyer said. “Unfortunately, I ran over a crew member during a pit stop. It reminded of last November’s race at Phoenix, when I ‘ran over’ to look for Jeff Gordon.”

7. Tony Stewart: Stewart bounced back from his early departure at Daytona to cross the finish line eighth in the Subway Fresh Fit 500.

“Reportedly,” Stewart said, “the National Rifle Association will sponsor the April 13th race in Texas. Understandably, there will be no green flag; it will be a shotgun start. And Juan Montoya’s Target car will be the most-watched car that day, because it will certainly be in the crosshairs.”

8. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: Stenhouse finished 16th at Phoenix as teammate Carl Edwards took the win. Stenhouse now stands 8th in the Sprint Cup point standings.

“In honor of the National Rifle Association’s sponsorship of the April race in Texas,” Stenhouse said, “only 21 of the 43 cars will sport manual transmissions. It will be a ‘semi-automatic’ field.”

9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 17th at Phoenix on a strong day for Roush Fenway Racing, as all three cars finished in the top 20, led by Carl Edwards’ dominating win. Biffle is sixth in the point standings, 24 out of first.

“Congratulations to Carl,” Biffle said. “In a race sponsored by Subway, the car sponsored by Subway won. And that, my friend, definitely makes Carl a ‘hero.’”

10. Mark Martin: After starting from the pole, Martin finished 21st in the Aaron’s Dream Machine Toyota at Phoenix. He is seventh in the point standings, 25 out of first.

“I didn’t see my homeboy 50 Cent in Phoenix,” Martin said. “In his honor, I tweeted, ‘Where are all the white people at?’ I received an anonymous reply stating, ‘They’re buying tickets to the NRA 500.’”

March 5, 2013
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson won his second Daytona 500, leading the final ten laps and holding off a late charge from Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

“It was a historic day at Daytona,” Johnson said, “especially for women. Danica Patrick pocketed $357,464 in prize money, while Erin Andrews lost 50 Cents.

“It’s great to win my second Daytona 500, and first for Chad Knaus. As you may recall, Chad was suspended for my first 500 in 2006, but he was with me there in spirit, and in my rear window.”

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt’s last-lap charge gave him his second consecutive Daytona 500 runner-up finish, and third in four years, as Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson took the win.

“I was a day late and a dollar short,” Earnhardt said, “as opposed to a certain rapper, who was a half-dollar short.

“Finishing second at Daytona, followed by a disappointing result in the Chase, has been the story of my career. It’s a case of ‘so close, yet so far away.’”

3. Brad Keselowski: NASCAR’s defending champion overcame early damage after being collected in an early crash and battle back to finish fourth in the Daytona 500. Keselowski led 13 laps on the day, and trails Jimmie Johnson by six points.

“As you may have heard,” Keselowski said, “I was called to speak to NASCAR brass about some comments I made critical of NASCAR. I was politely told to keep my foot on the pedal and out of my mouth.”

4. Greg Biffle: Biffle qualified fifth and finished sixth at Daytona, the top finisher among the Roush Fenway Racing trio, as Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. finished 12^th and Carl Edwards finished 33^rd.

“Stenhouse is dating the hottest driver in NASCAR,” Biffle said, “while Edwards is the coldest driver in NASCAR.”

5. Regan Smith: Smith, in the No. 51 Phoenix Racing Chevrolet, finished a strong seventh in the Daytona 500, leading one lap.

“50 Cent says ‘He doesn’t see black people,’” Smith said. “If memory serves me, there once was a wrapper named ‘6 Cents’ who also didn’t see black people, but did see dead people.

“As the driver of the car once piloted by Kurt Busch, I’m proud to say that Phoenix Racing no longer sees crazy people.”

6. Mark Martin: Martin finished third in the Daytona 500, moving up with a late charge while pushing Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to a second-place finish.

“I’m now 0-29 at Daytona,” Martin said, “so finishing third is nothing special. It’s like ‘kissing a sister,’ and I want to do that about as much as Erin Andrews wants to kiss a ‘brother.’

“My man 50 Cent said he didn’t see any black people at Daytona. I say, Look, Fitty, it’s Sunday at Daytona. There’s only one ‘race.’”

7. Danica Patrick: Patrick started on the pole at Daytona and became the first female driver to lead a lap in the iconic NASCAR event. She eventually finished eighth, by far her best Sprint Cup finish.

“The No. 10 GoDaddy.Com Chevrolet not only had horsepower,” Patrick said, “it had girl power.

“Kudos to Erin Andrews for rejecting the advances of 50 Cent. What kind of man complains about the lack of black people, then goes in for a kiss on the girl in the white ‘wrapper?’

“I guess I silenced most of my critics with my performance, but not all of them. There are some creeps still monitoring the GoDaddy.com website who wish I’d show more of myself.”

8. Ryan Newman: With Tony Stewart knocked out early, Newman led the charge for Stewart-Haas Racing, leading three laps and finishing fifth at Daytona.

“I hate it for Tony,” Newman said. “His run of bad luck continued in the 500. Tony can’t catch a break, unlike the Daytona catchfence, which catches brakes, tires, and engines. You’ve got to hand it to NASCAR fans for coming to the race on Sunday despite what happened on Saturday. Those fans have a commendable ‘debris de corps.’”

9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11^th in the Daytona 500, one of only two Toyotas in the top 11.

“Judging by what happened early in the race,” Bowyer said, “Jimmie Johnson was not the Hendrick driver I expected to win the race. After the race, I felt like I was back at Phoenix when I kept asking, ‘Where’s Jeff Gordon?’

“I’m just pleased my Toyota engine didn’t blow up like those of the Joe Gibbs Racing cars. Those JGR engines are like milk—that expiration date will sneak up on you.”

10. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: Stenhouse, in the No. 17 Roush Fenway Ford, finished 12^th at Daytona after starting 28th, joining teammate Greg Biffle in the top 12.

“It looks like Danica Patrick and I have taken our driving to another level,” Stenhouse said. “It remains to be seen whether our relationship will follow. I sure hope so. Until then, though, Danica and I will collectively be known as ‘Hot And Bothered.’

“I hold a unique position among NASCAR drivers. I’m the only driver who can say he’s dating a ‘fellow’ driver and still retain his manhood.”

February 26, 2013
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

[media-credit id=22 align=”alignright” width=”323″][/media-credit]1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Homestead, well ahead of a faltering Jimmie Johnson, and earned his first Sprint Cup championship. Keselowski finished 39 points ahead of Clint Bowyer and 40 ahead of Johnson.

“We saw a blow out,” Keselowski said, “and a bow out, all in the same race. This is likely the first of more titles to come. I’ve already coined a slogan for our quest for the 2013 Cup: ‘2 For 2.’

“Johnson tried to get into my head, and he did, easily. As a five-time Cup winner, he knew exactly what it took to get into the mind of a champion.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a loose lug nut penalty, followed by mechanical issues at Homestead and finished 36^th, unable to challenge Brad Keselowski for the championship. Johnson finished third in the final point standings, 40 points behind first-time champ Keselowski.

“When I said we needed the ‘raise our game,’” Johnson said, “I wasn’t referring to being ‘jacked up’ in the garage. But I’ll take my misfortune and deal with it. That’s life. Or, as a driver with five Cup titles would say, ‘C’est la V.’

“Keselowski earned the title fair and square. But if not pit errors and mechanical issues that resulted in a 32^nd and 36^th to end the season, things would have been different. As it is, I’ve got to ‘hand it’ to Keselowski, which I did.”

3. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished second to Jeff Gordon in the Ford EcoBoost 400, posting his ninth top-5 finish of the year. Bowyer finished second in the final Sprint Cup point standings, 39 out of first.

“Once again,” Bowyer said, “I couldn’t catch Gordon. That’s okay. The off-season will give me ample time to plan my vengeance down to every detail. After all, I want to ‘exact’ revenge.”

4. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 21^st at Homestead on an up-and-down day for Hendrick Motorsports, as Jeff Gordon took the checkered flag and Jimmie Johnson finished 36^th. Kahne ended the year fourth in the point standings, 55 behind Brad Keselowski.

“NASCAR wives and girlfriend were having babies right and left this year,” Kahne said. “Even Keselowski and Jimmie Johnson got in on the act, because a rivalry was ‘born.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 24^th at Homestead, ending a disappointing Chase For The up in fifth, 62 out of first.

“Congratulations to Brad Keselowski,” Hamlin said. “And congratulations to car owner Roger Penske. I’m not sure if Penske is on Twitter, but if he were, his message to Keselowski would have to be ‘@ a boy!.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 18^th at Homestead, piloting the No. 17 Best Buy Ford in his final race for Roush Fenway Racing. He finished sixth in the point standings, 74 out of first.

“My car said ‘Best Buy,’” Kenseth said, “but it should have said ‘Good Bye.’”

7. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished fifth in the Ford EcoBoost 400, his 12^th top-5 finish of the year. He ended the year fifth in the point standings, 68 out of first.

“It was an eventful year at Roush Fenway Racing,” Biffle said. “There was a lot of movement within the company. There’s a perfectly good explanation for Matt Kenseth’s departure; Carl Edward’s ‘disappearance’ is another story.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth in the Ford EccoBoost 400, posting his 12^th top 5 of the year and eighth of the Chase.

“One day,” Busch said, “I’m going to put it all together. Actually, I often put it together for one day; it’s one season I have trouble with.”

9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won for the second time this season, beating Clint Bowyer to the stripe to win the Ford EcoBoost 400. Gordon finished 10^th in the point standings, 97 out of first.

“That’s like adding insult to insult for Bowyer,” Gordon said. “I didn’t ‘make his day,’ but I did ‘make his day worse.’”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Homestead, following his win at Phoenix with his 14^th top-10 result of the year. He finished eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 79 out of first.

“Brad Keselowski is a worthy champion,” Harvick said, “and one that is popular among fellow drivers. I think I speak for everyone, especially my former teammate Clint Bowyer, when I say that Keselowski, unlike Jeff Gordon, got what was coming to him.”

November 21, 2012
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

[media-credit name=”Simon Scoggins” align=”alignright” width=”225″][/media-credit]Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took charge of the point standings with a win at Phoenix, while Jimmie Johnson crashed hard into the wall late. With one race remaining, Keselowski leads Johnson by 22 points.

“It’s all over but the tweeting,” Keselowski said. “The race at Phoenix had so many acts of stupidity, from drivers and NASCAR officials alike, I’m not sure what had more ‘characters’—the race itself, or one of my tweets.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s bid for a sixth Sprint Cup championship took a blow at Phoenix, where a late tire problem sent the No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet into the wall late. Johnson finished 32nd, while Brad Keselowski came home 6th and took over a nearly insurmountable lead in the point standings.

“We just cut a tire at the most inopportune time,” Johnson said. “Up until that point, it was a ‘Goodyear.’

“We aren’t conceding anything. However, it’s a bad sign when you see a fat lady singing about throwing in the towel.”

3. Clint Bowyer: Jeff Gordon took out Bowyer with three laps to go at Phoenix, in response to contact initiated by Bowyer earlier in the race. Bowyer later tried to confront Gordon in the garage, sparking a brawl between crew members of both team.

“Did you see me racing to accost Gordon in the garage?” Bowyer said. “I put the ‘sprint’ in ‘Sprint Cup’ and the ‘rage’ in ‘garage.’

“Luckily for Gordon, Michael Waltrip was holding me back. It’s certainly not the first time Michael’s been seen hugging a man.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished second in the AdvoCare 500 at Phoenix, posting his 14th top 5 of the year. Hamlin is fifth in the point standings, 62 out of first.

“It’s a case of ‘too little, too late,” Hamlin said. “But I can look forward to next year for comfort. I’ll spend the next four months much like my pregnant girlfriend—‘expecting.’”

5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne started fourth and finished fourth at Phoenix, posting his 12^th top-5 result of the year. He is third in the point standings, 50 behind Brad Keselowski.

“NASCAR penalized Jeff Gordon with a vengeance,” Kahne said. “He was docked 25 points and fined $100,000. I believe before he commits such an act again, he’ll think long and hard. In other words, he’ll ‘pre-meditate’ before he does it.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 14^th at Phoenix, behind Roush Fenway teammates Greg Biffle and Carl Edwards, who finished 7^th and 11^th, respectively. Kenseth is sixth in the point standings, 74 out of first.

“People can criticize Jeff Gordon all they want,” Kenseth said, “but I think he showed exceptional driving skill. Like a true professional, he hit all his ‘marks.’”

7. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished seventh at Phoenix, posting his 20^th top-10 result of the year. He is seventh in the point standings, 78 out of first.

“NASCAR promoted the ‘Boys, have at it,’” policy,” Biffle said, “and they got what they asked for—the ‘Boy Wonder’ versus the ‘Bow’ Wonder.’”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won for the first time this season, taking the AdvoCare 500 at Phoenix. The win came just days after Harvick announced he will drive for Stewart-Haas Racing in 2014.

“Along with Tony Stewart and Ryan Newman,” Harvick said, “my addition will give Stewart-Haas three of the most ornery drivers in NASCAR. Stewart likes playing ‘grab ass’ with me, and he definitely ‘grabbed’ an ‘ass’ when he signed me.”

9. Jeff Gordon: After contact by Clint Bowyer damaged his car, Gordon retaliated by intentionally wrecking Bowyer, taking out Joey Logano in the process and nearly collected Brad Keselowski. The incident sparked a brawl in the pits, and on Monday, NASCAR docked Gordon 25 points and fined him $100,000.

“I let my emotions get the best of me,” Gordon said. “That just happens to be the only sighting of the ‘best of me’ since my last Sprint Cup title in 2001.

10. Kyle Busch: Busch came home third in the AdvoCare 500, his third straight top-3 finish and sixth of the Chase.

“I’m certainly encouraged for next year by my Chase performance,” Busch said. “After not making the Chase, I was saying, ‘Wait ‘til next year.’ Now, I’m saying, ‘Can’t wait ‘til next year.’”

November 13, 2012
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

[media-credit name=”Credit: Jerry Markland/Getty Images for NASCAR” align=”alignright” width=”236″][/media-credit]Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson passed Brad Keselowski with two laps to go at Texas and pulled away to win at Texas, his second consecutive win in the Chase. Johnson extended his lead in the point standings, and now holds a seven point edge on Keselowski.

“That may have been the second-best ‘restart’ of my career,” Johnson said. “The best, of course, would be the ‘restart’ to another multi-Cup championship run.

“Of course, it was quite fitting that I fired the celebratory ‘six-shooter’ after the race, a sound which heralded my quest for my sixth Cup title. The bullets weren’t real, mind you. Judging by the number of pregnant wives and girlfriends in NASCAR this year, I must have been the only one ‘shooting blanks.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Holding the lead with two laps to go at Texas, Keselowski was passed on the restart by Jimmie Johnson and finished second. After leading the championship standings with four races to go, Keselowski is now seven points back of Johnson.

“Seven points is not insurmountable,” Keselowski said, “but Johnson may be. Unfortunately, I find myself behind the ’48-ball.’”

3. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth in the AAA Texas 500, earning his 21^st top-10 result of the year. He is third in the point standings, 26 behind Jimmie Johnson.

“Until someone tells me otherwise,” Bowyer said, “I’ll keep racing like I have a chance to win the Cup. Keep in mind, I don’t like people telling me things.”

4. Denny Hamlin: After his disastrous result at Martinsville two weeks ago, Hamlin finished a disappointing 20^th at Texas. Deemed a threat to win the Cup just three weeks ago, Hamlin is now well out of the championship picture, 49 out of first in the point standings.

“Our Sprint Cup championship hopes came ‘unplugged’ last week at Martinsville,” Hamlin said. “At Texas, we didn’t have electrical issues, but after finishing 20^th, there was an ‘outage’—I’m further ‘out’ of the championship picture.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at Texas, backing up his runner-up finish at Martinsville on October 27^th. It was his fifth top 5 of the Chase, and tenth of the year.

“Just once,” Busch said, “I’d like to be dangerous in a ‘Chase’ that doesn’t involve a policeman.”

6. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished well out of contention at Texas, finishing 25^th, one lap off the lead. He is now fourth in the point standings, 29 out of first.

“It’s come down to a battle between Jimmie Johnson and Brad Keselowski,” Kahne said. “I’m sure Keselowski doesn’t mind hearing, ‘And then there were two.’ But I think he’d much rather hear, ‘And then there was ‘2.’”

7. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished 14^th in the AAA Texas 500, and is now sixth in the point standings, 54 out of first.

“Brad Keselowski is giving Jimmie Johnson all he can handle,” Gordon said. “You could it’s a ‘handful, and then some.’ You could also say that about Jimmie’s soon-to-be growing Sprint Cup championship haul.”

8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led one lap and came home fourth at Texas, posting his 12^th top-5 finish of the year. He is eighth in the point standings, 65 out of first.

“I was out of the title hunt early,” Kenseth said, “but don’t tell me I’m not a man of my word. I told Jack Roush I’d ‘be there at the end’ and I will be, because I’ve got two more races with Roush Fenway.”

9. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished fifth in the AAA Texas 500, equaling his best finish of the Chase. He is 71 out of the lead in the point standings.

“We’re mathematically still alive,” Stewart said, “but there’s no chance we’ll win the Cup. And don’t make me say it again. Believe me when I say there will be ‘no repeating.’”

10. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 10^th at Texas, joining Roush Fenway teammate Matt Kenseth, who finished fourth, in the top 10. Biffle is 83 out of first in the point standings.

“I could be the next to ‘go,’” Biffle said. “No, I’m not leaving Roush Fenway; I’m the next driver soon to be mathematically eliminated from Sprint Cup contention.”

November 7, 2012
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

[media-credit name=”Brad Keppel” align=”alignright” width=”239″][/media-credit]Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started on the pole at Martinsville and captured a huge win, his sixth at the .526-mile track. Johnson passed Brad Keselowski with about 20 laps to go, and held off Kyle Busch down the stretch. He now leads the points standings with a two-point edge over Brad Keselowski.

“I’ll echo the sentiments of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.,” Johnson said. “It’s good to be back in the ‘driver’s seat.’ Up to this point, Keselowski had a lock on the points lead. Well, that lock’s been ‘Jimmied.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski opted to stay out on a late caution at Martinsville while the leaders pitted. He was quickly passed by Johnson and others on fresher tires. Still, Keselowski finished sixth, his best career finish at Martinsville, but lost the lead to Jimmie Johnson in the points standings.

“For refusing to play ‘follow the leader,’” Keselowski said, “I was relegated to playing ‘follow the leader.’ I’ve lost my points lead, but not my spirit. Which is good, with it being Halloween. I may need a costume change, since I’ve been posing as a Sprint Cup champion.”

3. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth in the Tums Fast Relief 500, leading 154 of 500 laps, second only to Jimmie Johnson’s 193. Bowyer moved up one spot in the point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 26.

“I’ll certainly need a boost,” Bowyer said. “Luckily, as the driver of the 5-Hour Energy car, I’ve got that. Also, 5-Hour Energy helps you avoid the ‘crash,’ of which I’m hoping one will strike at Texas.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Disaster struck at Martinsville for Hamlin, as electrical issues ruined his chances in the Tums Fast Relief 500, and likely the Cup championship. He finished 33^rd, 34 laps down, and is now 49 points out of the lead in the point standings.

“I got ‘clocked’ at Kansas,” Hamlin said. “I was hoping for the same at Martinsville by winning and receiving the grandfather clock trophy. As it was, I did get a clock, albeit one that struck midnight, which is obviously not our ‘time.’”

5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished third at Martinsville, posting his 11^th top-5 finish of the year. He is up to fourth in the point standings, and is still alive in the Chase For The Cup, albeit as a decided long shot.

“I’m having a great Chase run,” Kahne said. “Not good enough to win this year’s Cup, but good enough to be the favorite for next year’s Cup. That’s not really a position I want to be in. I don’t want to be ‘next year’s Carl Edwards,’ or any year’s Carl Edwards, for that matter.”

6. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led 92 laps and finished seventh at Martinsville, as three Hendrick cars finished in the top 7. Gordon is now sixth in the point standings, 54 out of first.

“It’s good to run up front again,” Gordon said. “For several laps near the end, I was running second to Jimmie Johnson, which is also known as running ‘interference.’”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch chased Jimmie Johnson to the finish line at Martinsville, but couldn’t get close enough for the pass and settled for second. It was Busch’s fourth top-5 finish of the Chase.

“I’m usually good in the Chase,” Busch said, “unless I qualify for it.”

8. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex struggled at Martinsville, finishing 23^rd, one lap down. He is seventh in the point standings, 63 out of first.

“We know what we have to do in the last three races,” Truex said. “How do we know? Because, in a winless season, it’s the exact opposite of what we’ve done in the first 33 races.”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 14^th in the Tums Fast Relief 500. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 65 behind Jimmie Johnson.

“I’ve got three more races with Roush Fenway,” Kenseth said. “Hopefully, I can win one or more of those three contest. Or, I could, like many other drivers this year, announce that my wife and I are expecting another child. Either way, I would go out with a bang.”

10. Greg Biffle: Biffle was the only Roush Fenway driver in the top 10 at Martinsville, his tenth besting the 14^th of Matt Kenseth and 18^th of Carl Edwards. Biffle is ninth in the point standings, 69 out of first.

“It’s been a tough year for Jack Roush,” Biffle said, “one that may require him to go back to the drawing board. For the man they call ‘The Cat In The Hat,’ I’m sure it won’t be difficult to find a ‘thinking cap.’”

October 30, 2012
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

[media-credit name=”Credit: Geoff Burke/Getty Images for NASCAR” align=”alignright” width=”224″][/media-credit]Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 8^th at Kansas, better than all but Clint Bowyer among Chase contenders. Keselwoski leads Jimmie Johnson by seven, and has a 15-point edge over Denny Hamlin.

“It was a caution-filled race,” Keselowski said. “With Election Day approaching, it’s no surprise to see so many ‘spins.’ Even Danica Patrick got into the act. She’s just like a woman—can’t get upset without dragging a man down with her.”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson salvaged a ninth-place finish after spinning and nailing the wall in the Hollywood Casino 400. Johnson remained second in the point standings, seven behind points leader Brad Keselwoski.

“I’ve got to hand it to Chad Knaus,” Johnson said. “He had to do a lot to get us in position for a respectable finish. It was some of Chad’s best work, but not his best. I’ve seen him do more to a car that still passed inspection.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13^th at Kansas and lost ground to both in the point standings to both Brad Keselowski and Jimmie Johnson, who finished 8^th and 9^th, respectively. Hamlin is 20 out of the lead in the point standings.

“My weekend didn’t get off to a good start,” Hamlin said. “I crashed on Thursday in a test session at Kansas Motor Speedway. After that, I wasn’t sure if I was in Kansas anymore.

“With four races left, I need to make a move. The clock is ticking. Luckily, it’s the grandfather clock given to the winner at Martinsville, where I’m always a threat to win. Hopefully, it won’t strike midnight before I put my hands on it.”

4. Clint Bowyer: Kansas native Bowyer followed his win at Charlotte with a solid 6^th in the Hollywood Casino 400, posting his 19^th top-10 finish of the year. He is fourth is the Sprint Cup point standings, 28 behind Brad Keselowski.

“Just call me ‘Clint ‘Home’ Bowyer,’” Bowyer said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give my fans what they wanted. But they weren’t the only natives who were restless—I’m desperate for a win. I’m even more desperate for a three-car pileup in Turn 1 of lap 1 at Martinsville that wipes out Keselowski, Johnson, and Hamlin. That ‘cream’ of the crop would put me in the cream of the crop.”

5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne scored his ninth top 5 of the year with a fourth at Kansas. He is now 35 points behind Brad Keselowski in the point standings.

“I still have a mathematical chance to win the Cup,” Kahne said. “Unfortunately, I’m not good at math, like some drivers. Denny Hamlin, for example, is good at ‘multiplication.’ Matt Kenseth is good at ‘subtraction.’ And Kurt Busch is good at ‘division.’”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took his second win of the Chase, and third of the year, with the victory at Kansas. Kenseth, in the No. 17 Zest car, led a race-high 78 laps and outgunned Martin Truex, Jr. at the end.

“That’s two wins in the Chase,” Kenseth said, “but despite that, I’m still out of the title picture. Does the Chase points format need to be tweaked to place more importance on wins in the Chase? I think so, and I’ll get on a soapbox to say so.”

7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex scored the runner-up finish in the Hollywood Casino 400, as his No. 55 NAPA car was the top Toyota in the field. He is sixth in the point standings, 43 out of first.

“With no wins at all this year,” Truex said, “you could say I’m ‘55 out of first.’NAPA ‘knows how,’ except to win.”

8. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished fifth at Kansas, his first top-5 result since a fourth at Richmond in September. He is seventh in the point standings, 47 out of first.

“I should give Danica Patrick a lesson in offensive driving,” Stewart said. “If you want to spin someone, you can’t spin yourself. This may or may not be in the Bible, but Ice Cube once said, ‘Check yo’self before you wreck ‘yo’self.’”

9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led two laps and finished 10^th at Kansas, joining Hendrick stablemates Kasey Kahne and Jimmie Johnson in the top 10. Gordon is eighth in the point standings, 51 out of first.

“Dale Earnhardt, Jr. has been cleared to race this weekend at Martinsville,” Gordon said. “I wouldn’t be surprised in the people of Junior Nation commemorate the event with a new drinking game in which you drink for six hours prior to the checkered flag, then try to pass a concussion test.”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick, in the No. 29 Budweiser Chevy, rolled to an 11^th in the Hollywood Casino 400. He is tenth in the point standings, 59 behind Brad Keselowski.

“When I say ‘I’m out of it,’” Harvick said, “it has multiple meanings. I’m too far behind to care, matter, or believe. The only close race I’m involved in is what I give more of—a ‘damn’ or a ‘rat’s ass.’”

October 23, 2012