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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    [media-credit name=”CIA Stock Photo” align=”alignright” width=”244″][/media-credit]1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson nearly chased down teammate Jeff Gordon at Atlanta, but settled for second after ten laps of dramatic racing to close Tuesday’s rain-delayed race. Johnson has three-straight top-4 finishes, and took sole possession of the Sprint Cup points lead with a 21-point cushion over Kyle Busch.

    “The weather nearly dictated the outcome,” Johnson said. “Had the precipitation continued, another ‘J.J.,’ J.J. Yeley, would have been the winner. Yeley was praying for more rain. It never came. With a sixth-consecutive Cup title in my sights, I’m praying for more reign.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch was strong at Atlanta early, leading 19 laps, but after making contact with the wall near the midway point, handling issues arose and he never challenged the lead again. He eventually finished 23rd, one lap off the pace, and fell out of a tie for the Sprint Cup points lead. Busch is now second, 21 behind Jimmie Johnson.

    “I haven’t exactly been dominating in the last two races,” Busch said. “History would suggest I’m just gearing up for a disappointing Chase run. This is one instance in which I wish I was like Juan Montoya. Alas, lately my driving doesn’t strike fear into anyone.”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won for the third time this year, holding off Jimmie Johnson over a tense final ten laps in the AdvoCare 500 in Hampton, Georgia. The win was Gordon’s 85th career triumph, placing him alone in third in the all-time wins list. Gordon moved up one spot to fifth in the point standings, and trails Johnson by 43 points.

    “Jimmie and I wore out our tires battling each other,” Gordon said. “We were slipping and sliding all over the track. Nonetheless, it was a ‘gripping’ finish.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Atlanta, posting his sixth-straight top-10 and fifth consecutive top-5 result. He is 11th in the Sprint Cup point standings and has clinched a spot in the Chase.

    “I’m really excited,” Keselowski said. “I’m in the Chase, and I’ll be going up against some of the drivers I’ve admired, and Carl Edwards.

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 14 laps in the AdvoCare 500 on his way to a fifth-place showing, his first top-5 result since a fifth at Kentucky on July 9th. He improve one spot to third in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 38.

    “As you know,” Edwards said, “Fastenal has agreed to sponsor my No. 99 Ford for 17 races next year. Couple that with my recent lucrative contract extension, and I’m ‘rolling in dough,’ which may explain why I’ve been so slow lately.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth looked to be the car to beat in the middle section of Tuesday’s AdvoCare 500, but sudden handling problems dampened his run at the front. Still, he finished a solid ninth and is now fourth in the point standings, 39 out of first.

    “As has been widely reported,” Kenseth said, “I was one of the seven drivers from the 2010 Chase who accepted an invitation to the White House. I met Dale Earnhardt, the ‘man in black.’ Now, I’ll soon be able to say I’ve met Barrack Obama, the man in ‘White.’

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Atlanta, his 12th top-10 result of the year. Harvick’s day nearly ended in disaster when contact on a lap 135 restart sent him sideways, but he made an incredible save to continue with no damage. He is sixth in the point standings, but with three wins this year, will likely start no worse than third when the Chase For The Cup begins.

    “I saved the day,” Harvick said. “It remains to be seen whether I can save the season. I haven’t sniffed a hint of victory since winning at Charlotte in late May. And that stinks. But let’s face it. With me, ‘V’ isn’t for ‘victory;’ it’s for ‘vendetta,’ against Kyle Busch. But I’ll continue on my merry way with little concern. My motto is ‘Don’t worry, be ‘Happy.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth in the AdvoCare 500, posting his sixth top-5 finish of the year. He clinched a berth in the Chase For The Cup by virtue of points.

    “Hey,” Busch said, “that’s the first time ‘virtue’ and ‘Kurt Busch’ have been used together in a sentence. But I’m just happy to be in the Chase. There’s a number of drivers with legitimate chances to win the Cup. I’m happy to do my part to maintain a healthy balance between ‘contenders’ and ‘pretenders.’”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman came home with a lackluster 20th-place finish at Atlanta, but clinched a spot in the Chase For The Cup, joining Kurt Busch and Brad Keselowski as the latest drivers to clinch.

    “I’m in,” Newman said, “but Tony Stewart has yet to solidify his berth, and likely won’t know his fate until the end of Saturday’s Richmond race. So, I’ve clinched, while Tony will be clenching….his sphincter.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led six laps on his way to an eighth-place finish in the AdvoCare 500, his ninth top-10 result of the year. Hamlin sits 12th in the point standings, and can lock up a Chase berth

    “I won at Richmond last September,” Hamlin said. “Hopefully, for once this year, I can live up to last year’s standards.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    [media-credit name=”Ed Coombs” align=”alignright” width=”236″][/media-credit]1. Kyle Busch: Busch faded late at Bristol, hitting the wall with 87 laps to go,  and finished 14th, behind his three closest challengers for the Sprint Cup points lead, Jimmie Johnson, Matt Kenseth, and Carl Edwards, who came home fourth, sixth, and ninth, respectively. Busch and Johnson are now tied for the points lead, 32 up on Kenseth.

    “I take pride in leading the point standings,” Busch said, “especially when my fellow leader is Johnson. As of driver with no Cup championships aspiring to be compared to one with five, this may be my only chance to be ‘like’ Jimmie.

    “But let’s be honest. Win or lose, people love to talk about me. I’m like the Danica Patrick of NASCAR, but with less balls.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Bristol, earning his 10th top-5 result of the year, and moved into a tied in the point standings with Kyle Busch, who finished 14th.

    “I feel like I’m flying under the radar,” Johnson said, “despite being the points leader and the five-time defending champion. It just goes to show that in NASCAR circles, memories are short and title reigns are long.

    “Last week, you heard me question Kyle Busch’s ability to handle the pressure of being the so-called favorite. It took only a week for me to be proven right. After winning at Michigan, Busch went to Bristol as not only the Cup favorite, but the favorite to win at Bristol. It’s clear he can’t handle the pressure of the Chase if he can’t even handle the pressure of being chased.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski remained NASCAR’s hottest driver, taking the win at Bristol for his third win of the year and second in the last four races. He is now 11th in the point standings, and a spot in the Chase For The Cup is all but guaranteed.

    “Don’t call this a ‘Cinderella’ story,” Keselowski said. “Dale Earnhardt, Jr. has dibs on that, because he’s the one with the evil stepmother.

    “Am I the biggest threat to Jimmie Johnson’s reign? It was merely a week ago that everyone was heralding another driver as Johnson’s biggest threat, but it appears that now, Kyle Busch is an ‘as been. As a favor to me, please send your condolences to Kyle via his Twitter address ‘@ssKyleBusch.’”

    4. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led a race-high 206 laps in the Irwin Tools Night Race, but took four tires during the race’s final caution, falling behind Brad Keselowski and Martin Truex, Jr., who both took two tires. Gordon finished third and remained sixth in the point standings, 48 out of first.

    “I’m not happy with the way NASCAR times pit road speeds,” Gordon said. “Brad Keselowski and Matt Kenseth clearly got away with speeding. I feel that they’re monitored under a completely different set of rules. Of course, who am I to complain? I, of all people, should know that ‘two-timing’ is okay as long as you don’t get caught.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled after a strong start at Bristol, falling two laps down just after the half-way point, and finished 22nd, one lap down. He has only one top-10 result since a seventh at Daytona in July, and is down to fifth in the point standings, 48 out of first.

    “Luckily, things aren’t all bad,” Harvick said. “I won the Camping World Trucks race on Wednesday, then I called Kyle Busch a ‘crybaby’ after he complained about his fate in the Truck race last Wednesday. In both cases, it’s ‘bitchin.’

    “Like some others, I clinched at least a wildcard spot in the Chase by virtue of my three wins. That means I could do nothing from now until the Chase starts, and I’m still in. My lackluster results since my third win at Charlotte indicate that’s the philosophy I’ve been living by since late May.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 110 laps at Bristol, second only to Jeff Gordon’s 206, and finished sixth, as he and teammate Carl Edwards, who finished ninth, clinched berths in the Chase For The Cup. Kenseth improved three spots in the point standings to third, and trails Kyle Busch and Jimmie Johnson by 32.

    “Carl and I are in,” Kenseth said. “I’m quite relieved, that the thing Carl threatened to ‘punch’ was a ticket to the Chase and not me.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his first top-10 finish in three weeks, coming home ninth in the Irwin Tools Night Race. Edwards remained fourth in the point standings, and is 35 out of first.

    “I certainly haven’t been performing up to my standards,” Edwards said. “My teammates have asked this question for awhile now, but now, everyone wants to know, ‘What’s wrong with Carl Edwards?’

    “Many think I became complacent after signing my huge contract extension with Roush Fenway, and as a result, my performance has been lacking. Is that the case? I’m not at liberty to answer. I can say this: ‘Money talks, and it also speaks volumes.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his second consecutive top-10 finish and fifth in the last seven races with an eighth at Bristol, leading four laps on the night. While teammate Tony Stewart has struggled lately, Newman has solidified his place in the standings, and is seventh with two races until the Chase.

    “I won the pole for Bristol,” Newman said, “while Stewart started 43rd. Personally, I haven’t felt that much distance between teammates since Rusty Wallace and I drove for Penske.

    “Tony’s at a disadvantage to some other drivers hovering on the Chase bubble. While Denny Hamlin, Brad Keselowski, and Paul Menard have one or more victories, Tony has none. That’s okay. I’ve told Tony the wins will come. Right now, he just needs to concentrate on making the Chase. Therefore, his mantra for the next two races is ‘Just in, baby.’”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch, traditionally a force at Bristol, finished 17th in the Irwin Tools Night Race as Penske teammate Brad Keselowski took the victory. Busch remained eighth in the point standings, 81 out of the lead.

    “Brad’s taking the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge to heights I only dreamed about,” Busch said. “It appears he ‘has my number,’ and everyone else’s for that matter.

    “Brad is on an incredible tear as of late. Can anyone stop him? The results of a recent survey suggest the answer is ‘no.’ Drivers were asked, ‘If Brad Keselowski were ‘on fire,’ would you put him out? Most replied ‘no,’ and it looks as though they weren’t lying.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin kept his Chase hopes alive with a hard-earned seventh at Bristol, overcoming damage suffered on lap 297 when he was collected in a David Stremme-David Reutimann wreck. Hamlin moved up one spot to 13th in the standings, and is currently in position to earn a wildcard spot.

    “Many drivers on the Chase bubble struggled,” Hamlin said, “including Tony Stewart, Clint Bowyer, and Paul Menard. That’s good news for me. I normally don’t delight in the misery of others, but being a teammate of Kyle Busch’s has taught me that it’s okay.

    “My Chase situation is good, yet precarious. I have to be at the top of my game, otherwise I could be out. If I ‘mail it in,’ I’ll be sure to ‘Fed Ex-it.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    [media-credit name=”CIA Stock Photo” align=”alignright” width=”227″][/media-credit]1. Kyle Busch: Busch took the lead at Michigan with 12 laps to go, then fought off Jimmie Johnson during a green-white-checkered finish to win the Pure Michigan 400. It was Busch’s series-best fourth win of the year, and he took sole possession of the points lead, and now leads Johnson by ten.

    “I clinched a spot in the Chase For The Cup,” Busch said. “That makes me the first to do so this year. That fact supports my motto to ‘Stay one step ahead of the competition, and an arm’s length away from Kevin Harvick and Richard Childress.

    “Many are calling this the ‘new’ Kyle Busch. I’d prefer the previous version not return. Of course, if I start the Chase as the favorite and a points lead and fail to win the Sprint Cup, then I guess the ‘old’ Kyle will have returned.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished second at Michigan, coming up short in a late battle with Kyle Busch for the win. It was Johnson’s third straight top-10 finish, and he moved up to second in the Sprint Cup point standings, ten behind Busch.

    “Everyone is calling Busch the favorite to win the Sprint Cup championship,” Johnson said. “But I think it’s wide open. There are eight to ten drivers who could win the Cup. But only one who will.

    “It remains to be seen whether Kyle can hang with the five-time champ in the Chase. There’s a not-so-fine line between being ‘No. 1’ and ‘no one.’ The way I see it, until you’re the former, you’re the latter.”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards tumbled from the Sprint Cup points lead after early electrical problems sent the No. 99 Aflac Ford to the garage. After losing 28 laps for repairs, Edwards eventually finished 36th, and fell to fourth in the standings, 39 behind Kyle Busch.

    “What can electrical problems do to a points lead?” Edwards asks. “Make it not current. Carl Edwards not in the points lead? That’s a shocker. Luckily, my tumble down the points standings is made more tolerable by knowing I just signed a fat, new contract. Surprisingly, cold, hard cash makes for a soft landing.

    “You may have heard my animated character appeared on the Disney cartoon ‘Kick Buttowski.’ Jack Roush’s character appeared as well, representing a car owner who goes to extreme lengths to keep his driver happy. He’s called ‘Kiss Buttowski.’”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led the way for Roush Fenway Racing at Michigan, finishing tenth as David Ragan took 12th and Greg Biffle finished 20th. Carl Edwards was slowed by electrical problems and finished 38th, falling out of the points lead.

    “It was an up-and-down day for RFR,” Kenseth said. “I finished tenth, but Biffle finished a middle-of-the-pack 20th despite leading 86 of 203 laps, while Edwards suffered major electrical issues in finishing 36th. Is Boris Said still looking for Biffle’s address? Here’s a clue: the street name is not Victory Lane. As for Edwards, he’s gone downhill since signing his contract extension. He’s down to No. 4 in the points standings after leading the way for most of the year. I guess we should start calling him ‘Fourth Cousin Carl.’

    “Did you notice my No. 17 with the Kroger paint scheme? That may have been the first time anything associated with Matt Kenseth has been described as colorful. It sure would have been funny had Clint Bowyer’s No. 33 car, sponsored by Cheerios and Hamburger Helper, would have ‘got into’ my Kroger car.”

    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led 50 laps at Michigan, second to Greg Biffle’s 86, and finished sixth, his 11th top-10 result of the year. He moved up one spot to sixth in the point standings and trails Kyle Busch by 60.

    “The car was at its best while leading,” Gordon said. “By the way, in addition to my Sprint Cup titles, I’m a four-time champ at stating the obvious.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a mediocre 22nd in the Pure Michigan 400, his fifth result outside the top 10 in the last six races. He is third in the Sprint Cup point standings, 39 behind rival Kyle Busch.

    “The No. 29 Budweiser car has not been impressive lately,” Harvick said. “I’ve told my crew in so many words that ‘This Bud’s Forgettable.’

    “What this team needs in a complete turnaround. One provided by me, while in the car, and not one issued by Kyle Busch, while I’m not in the car.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 34th at Michigan, suffering a tire pressure problem that sent him into the wall on lap 197. Busch’s two worst finishes have come in the last two weeks, and he dropped two places to eighth in the point standings.

    “That’s two DNF’s this year,” Busch said. “Three if you count my feud with Jimmie Johnson.

    “Now, my brother Kyle’s ascension to the points lead will make for an interesting Busch family dynamic in the Chase. There will be Kyle, everyone’s favorite, and me, no one’s favorite.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski remained NASCAR’s hottest driver, finishing third at Michigan to validate August 7th’s win at Pocono and last week’s runner-up finish at Watkins Glen. He improved two spots to 12th in the Sprint Cup point standings, and solidified his wildcard standing for the Chase.

    “It looks like I’ll be joining Tony Stewart and Denny Hamlin,” Keselowski said, “when we all three limp into the Chase.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his eighth top-8 finish of the year, coming home fifth in the Pure Michigan. Newman jumped one place in the point standings to seventh, 74 out of first.

    “I hear Steven Wallace raised the ire of Patrick Carpentier’s team at Montreal on Saturday,” Newman said. “So much that Carpentier’s crew chief Jerry Baxter reached inside Wallace’s car and grabbed a handful of hair to voice his displeasure. I can certainly relate to the reaction of Baxter. I’ve pulled hair out on account of a Wallace before. That would be Rusty Wallace, and that would be my own hair.”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished ninth in the Pure Michigan 400, a solid finish, yet one he was not pleased with. Although he sits 10th in the point standings, Stewart said he be ‘wasting one of those top-12 spots” the way he’s running right now.

    “Just to clarify,” Stewart commented, “I said ‘What a waste,’ not ‘What a waist.’

    “I once had a pet monkey named ‘Mojo. He’s missing, but I’ve replaced him with one I like to call ‘Chase Bubbles.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished a solid 12th at Watkins Glen, Roush Fenway Racing’s top finisher in Monday’s Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips At The Glen. Edwards is now tied with Kyle Busch for the lead in the Sprint Cup point standings.

    “Should I be worried that I no longer sit alone atop the point standings?” Edwards said. “Of course not. I’m NASCAR’s resident pretty boy, and like it or not, I even look good in a ‘tie.’”

    I hear Boris Said has it out for my Roush Fenway Greg Biffle. Boris said one day soon, a driver will show up at the race track with a black eye. I tend to believe him. Stranger things have happened. Heck, twice a year, a driver shows up at the track with an afro!”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch led 49 of 92 laps at Watkins Glen and was leading on the race’s final restart with two laps to go. But both Brad Keselowski and Marcos Ambrose slipped by on the restart, and Ambrose muscled his way to the win. Busch finished third, his series-best 11th top 5 of the year, and is now tied with Carl Edwards atop the point standings.

    “M&M’s may simply melt in your mouth,” Busch said, “but apparently, leads evaporate altogether in my hands.”

    How about poor Denny Hamlin, losing his brakes on lap 66 and crashing hard into the Turn 1 wall? He’s okay, but with brake issues on top of all the engine problems he’s experienced this year, you have to believe there will be some changes with that team. I say it’s time for Viagra to return to NASCAR sponsorship, and Hamlin’s No. 11 car would be a perfect fit for a product with a proven solution to equipment failure.”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: After a week of feuding with Kurt Busch, Johnson finished 10th at Watkins Glen, scoring his 13th top-10 finish of the year. Johnson is now third in the point standings, trailing Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch by six.

    “So, Kurt Busch says he’s ‘in my head?’” Johnson said. “Well, he’s out of his mind. Now, he needs to get out of mind. Anyway, I finished 28 places better than he, which just goes to show that Kurt’s a punk, and karma’s a bitch.”

    4. Kurt Busch: After winning Saturday’s Nationwide race subbing for Penske teammate Brad Keselowski, Busch found the going much rougher during Monday’s rescheduled Sprint Cup race. Busch spun out on lap 4, then blew a tire and slammed the Turn 5 tire barrier on lap 49. He finished a disappointing 38th, and dropped two places to sixth in the point standings, 40 out of first.

    “It’s nice to know,” Busch said, “that I can get in Keselowski’s car and win a race. Especially since I, the former driver of the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge, have witnessed Brad get into my car and win. Twice.”

    At The Glen, I barely made it to the halfway point of the race. You could say I couldn’t ‘break a sweat,’ which, incidentally, is exactly what Jimmie Johnson said about my fighting ability.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Watkins Glen, posting his first top-10 result since Daytona on July 2nd. Harvick is now fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 14 behind Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch.

    “I’m certainly pleased with the result,” Harvick said. By no means am I a road course ringer. Now, if I would have been in Boris Said’s shoes, I would have been a road course wringer, because somebody would have been choked.”

    You may have seen me throw out the first pitch at the Angels-Yankees game inNew Yorklast week. One thing’s for sure: that baseball won’t get a ticket for speeding on pit lane. My incident with Kyle Busch at Darlington, coupled with my pitching skill, just goes to show that his right arm can’t hit a target, moving or otherwise.”

    6. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led six laps at Watkins Glen on his way to a 13th-place finish in the Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips At The Glen. He remained seventh in the point standings and is 52 behind Carl Edwards.

    “What I finish,” Gordon said. “That last lap was a lot like a Kurt Busch radio tirade, because all ‘hell’ broke loose. And David Reutimann was much like Indy Car driver Will Power at New Hampshire—they both flipped. Of course, Power’s middle finger salute to the race officials drew a fine. I guess that’s the ‘Power’ of ‘one.’ You would never see a Sprint Cup driver flip off NASCAR officials. Not because our manners are any better than Power’s, but NASCAR officials don’t have a problem not throwing a caution. And they don’t need any rain to do it.”

    [media-credit name=”Ed Coombs” align=”alignright” width=”231″][/media-credit]7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth suffered an early setback at Watkins Glen, running out of gas midway through the race, but fought back to come home 14th. He moved up one spot to fifth in the point standings, and is now 28 out of first.

    “Thanks to Greg Biffle for the push back to the pits after I ran out of gas,” Kenseth said. “According to Boris Said, that’s the only ‘push back’ Biffle’s good for. If Biffle does show up for an upcoming race with a black eye, then he’ll be the only ‘Said head’ who’s not a member of Boris’ fan club.”

    8. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished 27th, the last car on the lead lap, after his No. 14 Office Depot/Mobil Chevy spun and was hit by another car. Stewart fell one spot in the point standings to tenth, and is 25 ahead of Clint Bowyer in 11th.

    “I wouldn’t classify my finish as ‘Heluva Good,’” Stewart said. “I would, however, classify Boris Said’s challenge to Greg Biffle as a ‘heluva goad.’”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski nearly captured his second-consecutive win of the year, leading with one to go at Watkins Glen before Marco Ambrose bulled past him. Keselowski settled for second and further solidified his wildcard chances.

    “Ambrose is the first Australian to win a NASCAR race,” Keselowski said. “I say that’s ‘Aus-some.’ He’s establishing quite a few milestones. Last year, he became the first Australian to stall his engine while leading the race.”

    10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 15th in the Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips At The Glen, joining Hendrick teammates Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon in the top 15. Earnhardt improved one position in the Sprint Cup point standings, and is in ninth with four races before the Chase opener.

    “I like my chances to make the Chase For The Cup,” Earnhardt said, “if the Chase started tomorrow. Hopefully, I can survive these next four races and maintain my position. One thing’s for sure: I won’t be winning my way into the Chase.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished seventh at Pocono, just days after signing a multi-year contract extension with Roush Fenway Racing, leading two laps on the way to his 13th top-10 result of the year. He remains atop the Sprint Cup point standings, and leads Jimmie Johnson by 11.

    “Jack Roush went ‘all in,’” Edwards said. “Now, he’s ‘all out,’ and I’m a very rich and happy man. He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, and I put my name on the dotted line. That’s called a ‘dollar sign.’”

    [media-credit id=43 align=”alignright” width=”226″][/media-credit]But how about that finish in Saturday’s Nationwide Series U.S. Cellular 250 at Iowa Speedway, in which I crashed into and pushed Ricky Stenhouse’s car across the finish line. What a great time for Nationwide insurance to push their ‘accident forgiveness’ promotion.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson posted his seventh top-5 finish of the year, taking fourth in the Good Sam RV Insurance 500 at Pocono. Johnson and Kurt Busch scrapped for third place during the final laps, and after the race, the two exchanged words and had to be separated by their crews. Johnson is second in the point standings, 11 behind Carl Edwards.

    “Kurt Busch is a lot like a cosmetic surgeon’s scalpel,” Johnson said. “He really knows how to get under your skin. Lucky for him, I have compassion for a driver whose personal life is obviously in turmoil. Kurt is just a few weeks removed from marital breakup; I didn’t want him to get ‘dumped’ again, so I held back.”

    It’s true that Kurt and I had to be separated by our crews. And it’s also true that Kurt and I are separated by four Sprint Cup championships.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch chased Brad Keselowski down the stretch at Pocono, but was unable to catch the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge, falling short of his fourth win of the year and instead settling for the runner-up spot. Busch improved one spot in the point standings and is now 16 out of first.

    “In a footrace,” Busch said, “the result would have surely been different. But let’s give Keselowski credit for dealing with the pain, and by ‘pain’ I don’t mean his teammate, and my brother, Kurt Busch. Brad puts the ‘Ow!’ in Keselowski.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch outdueled Jimmie Johnson for third at Pocono, banging doors down the stretch in a battle that continued after the race. Busch and Johnson argued vehemently after the race and had to be pulled apart by their respective crews. Busch improved two spots in the point standings to fourth and is now 14 out of first.

    “They say the No. 48 crew is one of NASCAR’s best,” Busch said. “I agree. Not only did they keep Johnson out of trouble, they also did the same for me, because without their intervention, I likely would have been punched.”

    But I refuse to back down from Johnson. And I’ll tell him that. I’ll speak my mind, and say to him the same thing I would say to my most bitter rival, or my car owner, or the former Penske technical director. I have a dirty mind, and I’m not afraid to speak it.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a mediocre 14th at Pocono, his fourth-consecutive finish outside the top-10. Since winning atCharlotte in late May, Harvick’s best finish is a fifth, and while he’s still considered a championship contender, he needs to rekindle his winning ways before the Chase starts.

    “I’ve got three wins on the year,” Harvick said, “and not much else lately. It’s known around here as the Harvick ‘win or else’ strategy.”

    But if I need a good kick in the behind, recent history tells us that Richard  Childress is probably good for it.”

    6. Jeff Gordon: Gordon overcame a poor qualifying effort, starting 31st, on the way to a solid finish of sixth at Pocono, his tenth top-10 result of the year. He remained seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, and is 52 out of first.

    “Did you see the size of Brad Keselowski’s broken left ankle?” Gordon said. “With that being said, let me congratulate him on such a ‘swell’ victory.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth faced handling issues and faltering brakes at Pocono, yet recovered late in the race to finish 16th. Kenseth fell one spot in the point standings to sixth, and is now 26 behind Carl Edwards.

    “What’s the significance of Jack Roush’s lucrative offer to Carl Edwards here at Roush Fenway?” Kenseth asked. “Well, it means there’s at least one person who wants Carl around.”

    8. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished 11th in the Good Sam RV Insurance 500, following Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Ryan Newman, who finished fifth, across the line at Pocono. Stewart overcame a flat tire early in the race, falling a lap down, before rallying to nearly crack the top 10.

    “Let’s hear it for Brad Keselowski,” Stewart said. “The guts it must take to not only drive, but win, with a broken foot. It appears nothing can stop young Keselowski, except a wall at Road Atlanta.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished fifth at Pocono, scoring his seventh top-5 result of the year. He remained eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 62 out of first and a well-cushioned 40 point edge over Denny Hamlin in 11th.

    “I imagine Brad Keselowski had to be gentle with his broken left ankle,” Newman said. “For that kind of courage, Tony Stewart and I commend him. That’s something I think neither Tony nor I would be able to do, because, as our personalities suggest, we’ve never ‘pussy-footed’ around anything.”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took an unlikely victory, winning at Pocono despite a broken left ankle suffered in a scary crash at Road Atlanta on Monday. Keselowski zoomed past Kyle Busch on a lap 185 restart and held off Busch over the final 15 laps. It was Keselowski’s second victory of the year, and placed him in prime position to claim a Chase For The Cup wildcard spot.

    “I guess it’s now a good thing to be called a ‘wildcard,’” Keselowski said. “Sure, my win at Pocono was a surprising one. Surprising not because a driver won with a broken foot. Surprising because a driver was taking legal pain killers.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards took a run through the Indianapolis Motor Speedway grass, damaging the front splitter of the No. 99 car and setting him back in the field with 33 laps to go. Forced to resume in fuel conservation mode, Edwards went the rest of the way without pitting and finished 14th. He remained atop the point standings, and leads Jimmie Johnson by 11.

    [media-credit name=”Adam Lovelace” align=”alignright” width=”239″][/media-credit]“How is a spin through the infield grass like my free agent negotiations?” Edwards asked. “In both cases, there’s a lot of ‘green’ up ahead. I’ve had more money thrown at me than the Dale Earnhardt, Jr. merchandise trailer.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson raced in the top 5 at Indianapolis for most of Sunday’s Brickyard 400, but like many other drivers, fell victim to cautions that sabotaged pit strategies. After pitting for fuel and four tires late, he crossed the line 19th as Paul Menard posted his first Sprint Cup win.

    “I can certainly relate to the advantages of having the financial backing of a large home improvement chain,” Johnson said. “Paul Menard’s win at Indianapolis was a huge surprise. There are those that say Menard’s win had everything to do with the advantages of having financial backing from his billionaire father, John Menard. I say give Paul some credit, not only for his driving, but also for serving as the impetus to the Menard’s chain of stores’ brand new slogan: “Menard’s: Where You Can Buy Anything.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch survived two incidents, one with Tony Stewart on pit row, the other with the wall, and bounced back to finish 10th at Indianapolis, scoring his 12th top-10 result of the year. Busch is now fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 16 out of first.

    “One thing’s for sure,” Busch said, “the wall at Indy smacks harder than Richard Childress.

    “I can’t help but ponder the possibilities of having Carl Edwards as a teammate here at Joe Gibbs Racing. I could teach Carl a thing or two, and when that goes sour, he could teach me a lesson.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: After struggling with a tight-handling car for much of the race, Harvick and the No. 29 team gambled on pit strategy, coming in for a splash of fuel under green on lap 129, which allowed them to reach the finish without another stop. He finished 11th as Richard Childress teammate Paul Menard took the Brickyard 400 victory.

    “Congratulations to Paul Menard,” Harvick said. “It’s refreshing to hear a driver thank his sponsor and really mean it.”

    5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took the runner-up spot at Indianapolis, finishing second to surprise winner Paul Menard, denying Gordon his fifth Brickyard 400 win. Gordon is seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, 52 behind Carl Edwards.

    “Despite the money trail,” Gordon said, “I still couldn’t catch Menard. “I knew with a few laps to go I wouldn’t be able to catch him. As Brickyard 400’s, as well as Sprint Cup championships, go, I knew I was running out of time to win my fifth.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led the Roush Fenway Racing charge at Indianapolis, finishing fifth at the Brickyard to post his seventh top-5 result of the year. He improved one spot in the point standings to fifth, and now trails Carl Edwards by 16.

    “I may lack style,” Kenseth said, “or a wealthy benefactor, but I don’t lack substance. I haven’t finished out of the top 20 since early May. I’ve got no problem being called ‘Mr. Consistency.’ Heck, I’m just glad that anyone calls me ‘Mister.’”

    7. Tony Stewart: Stewart was up front and in charge with 15 laps to go, but had to pit, knowing the No. 14 Office Depot Chevrolet couldn’t make it on fuel. He settled for 6th and moved up two places in the point standings to ninth, 73 out of first.

    “Normally,” Stewart said, “I’m not one to play it conservative, unless it involves an attractive female politician with delusional views on American history and family values. Sadly, the state of American politics requires that the speaker of that statement to ‘be more specific.’

    But there’s no room for politics in NASCAR, although I do love a good party. If I use the term ‘bi-partisan,’ it’s usually to describe punching Kurt Busch with my right and left hands.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch’s No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge suffered damage when he dove through the infield grass to avoid Landon Cassill’s spinning No. 51 car. The damage bent the splitter upwards into the grill, hindering airflow and causing an overheating problem. Repairs left Busch with serious handling issues, and he eventually finished 20th after a late stop for fuel. He tumbled three spots in the points to sixth and is now 18 out of first.

    “I was not happy with my car,” Busch said. “And as you know, when I’m not happy with my car, I often say a ‘blessing,’ which is often replete with vulgarity. But nothing I’ve ever said is as vulgar as a pre-race blessing containing the words ‘boogity, boogity, boogity’ and ‘smoking hot wife,’ among others. I’m appalled, that I haven’t been attending church all these years.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Knowing a win was unlikely given his circumstances at the Brickyard 400, Newman pitted with 29 laps to go for three seconds of fuel and rallied to post a 12th-place finish. It was another strong showing for Stewart Haas Racing after he and teammate Tony Stewart finished 1-2 at Loudon on July 17th. Newman is now eighth in the point standings, 64 out of first.

    “This is one case,” Newman said, “in which ‘Rocket’ fuel slows you down.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: After an engine change during Friday’s practice, Hamlin started from the rear of the field on Sunday. He worked his way through the field, but like many others, fuel mileage spoiled any chances for the win. After a late stop for fuel, Hamlin crossed the finish line 27th, and now sits 11th in the point standings, 95 out of first.

    “I’m in a very precarious points position,” Hamlin said. “Luckily, the new Chase wildcard spots work in my favor. However, since winning at Michigan on June 19th, I’ve finished 37th, 13th, 11th, 3rd, and 27th. That’s taking the term ‘a win to fall back on’ a bit too literally.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 125 of 267 laps, winning the Quaker State 400 to take the first Sprint Cup race ever at Kentucky Speedway. Busch’s third win of the year vaulted him past Carl Edwards and Kevin Harvick to the top of the point standings, where he leads Edwards by four.

    “If you told Edwards and Harvick that I ‘jumped’ them both in one night,” Busch said, “then they would have told you they had their backs turned, or were asleep. And speaking of ‘asleep,’ how about Saturday’s race? Some fans claimed they were ‘put to sleep;’ others said they’d like to be.

    “That’s 99 wins for me in NASCAR’s three top series. One more, and I become the sole member of an exclusive club, that being ‘drivers with 100 wins and nothing to show for it.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth at Kentucky, scoring his series-best 13th top-10 result of the season. He remained in second place in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now trails Kyle Busch for four.

    “If you liked racing,” Edwards said, “then you found precious little to like at Kentucky. If Elvis Presley were alive today, I’m sure you’d hear him croon the words to ‘Kentucky Plain.’ However, it was good to see the stands full at Kentucky Motor Speedway. The fans came out in bunches, although most of them didn’t even get to park. By the looks of traffic on Interstate 71, you could say they came out in droves.

    “As for the point standings, there’s no shame in second. Kyle Busch is on top now, so for me and the other drivers who trail, we’ll just have to be content in doing what we did at Kentucky, and that’s play follow the leader.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick began the night at Kentucky atop the Sprint Cup point standings, but fell to third after finishing 16th in the Quaker State 400. Handling issues plagued the No. 29 Budweiser team for much of the race, but Harvick rebounding to salvage a respectable result.

    “We’re not thrilled with our finish,” Harvick said, “nor with falling out of the points lead. We couldn’t get out of here fast enough. But who wasn’t saying that after Saturday’s race?”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson lost the battle for first with Kyle Busch in the closing laps at Kentucky, and gave up second to David Reutimann’s Toyota on the final lap. Johnson’s third was his sixth top-5 result of the year, and he remains fifth in the point standings, 19 out of first.

    “I couldn’t do something that Red Bull could,” Johnson said. “And that’s hold off two Toyotas. I hear there was not a one pass for the lead in the entire race. That’s something NASCAR fans should be used to, because there hasn’t been a pass for the lead in the last five years.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch led 41 laps at Kentucky, dueling early with younger brother Kyle, and finished ninth, picking up his tenth top-10 result of the year. He remained fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 18 out of first.

    “As NASCAR’s resident foul-mouth,” Busch said, “I feel compelled to comment on the traffic fiasco at KMS. Organization in and around the track in Sparta was anything but ‘spartan.’ In fact, it made nearly everyone, especially those stuck in traffic, want to ‘Sparta-cuss.’

    “Qualifying was washed out by rain on Friday, so the starting order was set by practice times. In light of the traffic problems on Saturday, I found it amusing that there was “gridlock” on Friday and Saturday.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth posted his tenth top-10 finish of the year, and seventh in the last nine races, with a sixth in the Quaker State 400. He is now sixth in the point standings, 22 behind Kyle Busch.

    “There wasn’t a single on-track pass for the lead all night,” Kenseth said. “It seems the ‘race’ off pit road was the only race of the night. I’m not sure who was louder with their ‘boring’ chants, the fans in the stands or those on Interstate 71.

    “I’ve got two wins and I’m sixth in the point standings, which puts me in great position. Once the Chase For The Cup starts, I plan to be right in the middle of things. Which means I’ll probably finish sixth or seventh.”

    7. Jeff Gordon: Gordon managed early handling issues and benefited from a timely late caution to come home tenth in the inaugural race at Kentucky Motor Speedway. It was Gordon’s fifth top-10 in the last six races, and he is up to seventh in the point standings, 71 out of first.

    “Will the Kentucky date remain on the NASCAR schedule for years to come?” Gordon asked. “Don’t ask me about a ‘return trip.’ Ask the 15-20,000 fans who never made it to the race about their ‘return trip.’

    “Anyway, that’s what happens when auto racing encroaches on territory thoroughly dominated by horse racing. Ironically, Kentucky Motor Speedway officials told thousands of fans get out of their cars and ‘hoof’ it.”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt blew a tire with two laps remaining, and finished 30th, his fourth-straight finish of 19th or worse after a run of four consecutive results of seventh or better. He fell one spot to eighth in the point standings, and is now 76 out of first.

    “I’ve now gone 111 races without a win,” Earnhardt said. “Now you can now add ‘momentum’ to the list of things I’ve lost.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Kentucky in a race dominated by Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch. Hamlin improved one spot to tenth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Busch by 95.

    “You may have heard,” Hamlin said, “that I almost missed driver introductions because of traffic at the track. I think the best course of action in the future for Kentucky is to move the race to Sunday and continue to urge people to leave early on Saturday to get there.

    “Those fans that missed the race due to traffic deserve a refund. And even those that witnessed the race could make a pretty strong case for the same.”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman came home fourth at Kentucky, recovering from falling a lap down to post his fifth top-5 finish of the year. He improved one spot in the point standings to ninth, and is now 86 out of first.

    “The No. 39 Tornados Chevrolet gave me trouble early,” Newman said, “but we made the right adjustments, and we caught a few breaks. Then, I went from seventh to fourth in two laps. In short, I’m pleased. Overall, I think coming to Kentucky was a good idea. It’s leaving that was the problem.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 16 laps and finished seventh in the Coke Zero 400, posting his tenth top-10 result of the year. He overtook Carl Edwards, who struggled in finishing 37th, atop the Sprint Cup point standings, and now leads Edwards by five.

    “The car says ‘King Of Beers,’” Harvick said. “But the point standings say ‘King Of Peers.’ If this is what a handshake with Kyle Busch gets me, I can only begin to imagine the possibilities, but I’ll try not to for the sake of my manhood. But, the points lead in July is much like an insincere handshake—meaningless.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards No. 99 Ford, paired up with teammate Greg Biffle, got loose in the draft on lap 23, and Edwards spun into the inside retaining wall. The damage to the car’s rear required lengthy repairs, and Edwards finished 37th, 26 laps down. He dropped from first to second in the point standings, and is now five behind Kevin Harvick.

    “The damage to the No. 99 Subway caused exhaust fumes to enter the car,” Edwards said. “That was simply more than I could handle. No, not the temperature, but the jokes about whether or not I wanted it ‘toasted.’

    “But my trouble with the ‘back end’ allowed Kevin Harvick to ‘back in’ to the points lead. That’s fine with me. Now, without the pressure of the points lead, I can concentrate on contract talks. I may have been ‘un-seated;’ now, I can proceed in earnest with getting ‘re-seated.’”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch fell back from the front after contact from Jeff Gordon damaged the No. 18 JGR Toyota with three laps to go at Daytona. Busch restarted 18th after pitting for repairs, and he picked his way through late-race carnage to deliver a fifth-place finish. Busch improved two spots in the point standings to third, and trails Kevin Harvick by 10.

    “Surprisingly,” Busch said, “I drafted well with Joey Logano. Our cars ran extremely well nose to tail. What do you get when you pair the No. 20 Home Depot Toyota and the No. 18 Interstate Battery car together? ‘Domestic Battery.’

    “And speaking of other ‘unlikely pairs,’ how about the right hands of Kevin Harvick and I? Other unlikely pairs? My brother Kurt and a happy wife. Red Bull crew members and political correctness. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and victory. Richard Childress and a 2011 without probation.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: As he had in April’s win at Talladega, Johnson hooked up with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in the draft at Daytona, and the duo look poised to challenge up front as the laps wound down in the Coke Zero 400. But after Johnson pitted during a caution with two laps to go, and Earnhardt didn’t, the tandem was separated. Instead, Johnson hooked up with Jeff Gordon’s No. 24, but the No. 48 was collected in a last lap crash that dropped him to a finish of 20th.

    “I hear that Earnhardt fans are livid at me for leaving Dale hanging,” Johnson said. “It seems that Junior Nation was unhappy with the state of the ‘union,’ and they let me hear about it. But I fired back on my Twitter account, where I essentially gave Junior Nation the finger. Call it the ‘Tweet-y bird.’

    “But let’s be serious. How is Jimmie Johnson pushing Junior advantageous to me? I’m pushing Junior. That means I’m behind him. That in itself means I have no chance of winning.”

    5. Kurt Busch: Busch’s No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge suffered damage on a lap 163 restart, and after repairs, he was 26th in the second green-white-checkered restart on lap 168. On the final turn, a wild crash ensued as the field roared to the checkered. Busch, with the help of his spotter, avoided damage this time, and came home 14th. He remained fourth in the point standings, and is 16 out of first.

    “At Daytona,” Busch said, “as in relationships, it’s all about finding the right partner. And, in both cases, it’s easy to get out of line, which is what happens when you lose a draft partner, for example, or kiss another woman in Victory Lane. Often, it all boils down to timing. Squeezing through a multi-car crash: good timing. Announcing your marriage is ending after publicly kissing another woman: bad timing.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth pushed Roush Fenway Racing teammate David Ragan to the win at Daytona, and Kenseth claimed the runner-up spot, his ninth top-5 finish of the year. Ragan and Kenseth were a formidable tandem all night, combining to lead 29 laps. Kenseth moved up one spot to fifth in the point standings, and is 22 out of first.

    “With apologies to NASCAR’s drug policy,” Kenseth said, “and even more apologies to the great Curtis Mayfield, I’m proud to say to David Ragan, ‘I’m your pusher, man.’ Ragan was driving the UPS car, but I delivered the package.

    “There was a lot of talk at Daytona about drivers leaving their draft partners, but with Crown Royal’s sponsorship leaving the No. 17 car, it appears I’m the one that really was hung out to ‘dry.’”

    7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt lost drafting partner Jimmie Johnson when Johnson pitted during a caution with three laps to go in regulation at Daytona. On the restart, Earnhardt resumed without Johnson’s push, and, after getting collected in a final-turn crash, Earnhardt finished 19th. He remained seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now trails Kevin Harvick by 52.

    “I was enjoying the push from the No. 48,” Earnhardt said. “Then, with little warning, he was gone, causing a great deal of confusion and leaving my race in disarray. It was a case of ‘helper skelter.’

    “As you know, I’m not a big fan of the type of racing prevalent at Daytona now. It’s a lot like a restrictor plate—it sucks.”

    8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon survived a spin with three laps to go at Daytona, miraculously keeping his car off the wall, then hooked up in the draft with Kyle Busch for a charge that netted Gordon a sixth. It was Gordon’s seventh top-10 finish of the year, and he advanced one place to eighth in the point standings.

    “The two Red Bull cars checked up,” Gordon said, “leaving me, much like Red Bull drivers themselves, nowhere to go.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin spent most of Saturday’s Coke Zero 400 paired up with Ryan Newman’s No. 39, and the duo was in the mix near the end. But Newman got loose on the final lap, upsetting their two-car draft, and Hamlin fell back before being collected in a multi-car wreck. He finished 13th, and is now 11th in the point standings, 91 out of first.

    “Congratulations to David Ragan for a job well done,” Hamlin said. “That was an unexpected win for the No. 6 car. As the driver of the Fed Ex car, I’m contractually obligated not to mention Ragan’s primary sponsor. So I’ll just say his victory was a huge ‘UPS-et.’”

    10. Tony Stewart: Stewart rebounded from a late-race accident to finish 11th at Daytona, leading one lap for a valuable bonus point. He remained 12th in the Sprint Cup point standings, and is now 92 out of first.

    “I’ve vowed to police NASCAR tracks and take care of anyone who gets out of line,” Stewart said. “In other words, I plan to be judge, jury, and executioner, but not necessarily in that order.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards, who skipped Saturday’s Nationwide race in Wisconsin, finished third in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, posting his best ever finish at Sonoma. Edwards increased his lead in the point standings, and now leads Kevin Harvick by 25.

    “I knew it would be wise to stay and concentrate on Sonoma,” Edwards said. “And Jack Roush was in agreement. In fact, he’s been begging me to ‘stay’ for weeks now. I’m in my final year of my contract with Roush Fenway Racing. If I don’t get the money I deserve, then Roush Fenway will hear me say what you’d expect the guy who’s led the points standings nearly all year say: ‘Watch me go.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 26th at Sonoma and recovered from a mid-race accident before fighting his way to a finish of ninth, taking his ninth top-10 finish of the year. He remained second in the point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 25.

    “First of all,” Harvick said, “I’d like to thank our sponsor, Rheem Tankless Water Heaters. We surely don’t want them called ‘Rheem Thankless Water Heaters.

    “But the No. 29 Richard Childress Chevrolet wasn’t the only thing ‘reamed’ at Sonoma. There was lot of ‘bad blood’ out there, and I’m not talking about the bonds of kinship that link those blasted Busch brothers. Tony Stewart and Brian Vickers smacked each other around, leaving the rear of Stewart’s No. 14 elevated on a tire barrier. Vickers may hear from NASCAR about that. If so, it will be the first time a driver will be fined for another car’s rear end being too high.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a solid 11th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 as big brother Kurt drove to a decisive victory. Kyle fell one spot to fifth in the point standings, 37 behind Carl Edwards.

    “For once this year,” Busch said, “Kurt drove like a maniac instead of acting like one. The No. 22 Penske Dodge was unstoppable out front. I’m sure Kurt appreciated the clean air on the track as much as his team appreciated the ‘clean air’ on their radio frequency. Understandably, the ‘curse’ of Kurt Busch can only be lifted by a win.

    “As for my finish, I’m satisfied. Or, to put it in terms that are rarely spoken by either of the Busch brothers, ‘I can’t complain.’”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson joined Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon in the top 10 at Sonoma, finishing seventh to Gordon’s runner-up result. Johnson, who won last year at Sonoma, jumped two places in the Sprint Cup point standings to third, and trails Carl Edwards by 33.

    “I enjoy racing in ‘Wine Country,’” Johnson said. “Someday, like Jeff Gordon, I hope to offer my own brand of fine wines, produced at my winery that will be called ‘Wynasty.’

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt was one of seven cars collected in a lap 37 pile-up started when Tony Stewart spun Brian Vickers in Turn 11. The damage left a hole in the radiator of the No. 88 Amp Energy/National Guard Chevrolet was serious, and Earnhardt limped home with his first DNF of the year, finishing 41st.

    “What caused our downfall?” Earnhardt asked. “Was it a hole, or a-holes? Hopefully, that’s the end of my involvement in the Tony Stewart-Brian Vickers feud. I though Red Bull was leaving NASCAR. Apparently, not without a fight.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 76 of 110 laps in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, scoring his first career road course victory with a dominating performance at Sonoma. Busch beat Jeff Gordon by four seconds, and improved three spots in the Sprint Cup point standings to fourth, and now trails Carl Edwards by 34.

    “That was a major butt-whupping,” Busch said, “and I agree with everyone who’s been saying that’s exactly what I’ve needed this year. Hopefully, this will be a harbinger of more good things to come. We’ve been wildly inconsistent this year. It’s been either tirade or parade.

    “I’d like to thank my team for their hard work and perseverance. I believe they wanted this even more than I did. Not a win, mind you, but something that would finally shut me up.”

    7. Jeff Gordon: Gordon stayed on the track during a caution with 20 laps to go, going from 20th to 8th before a dash to the checkers that gave him the runner-up finish at Sonoma. It was Gordon’s third top-5 finish in the last five races, and boosted him three spots in the point standings to ninth.

    “I’m pleased with our finish here,” Gordon said. “But I have to admit, I had a lot more fun racing Kurt Busch last year as opposed to Sunday. I got a big kick, as well as a big punt, from being behind Kurt last year.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was running 13th, up from his qualifying position of 26th, on lap 65 when he was tagged from behind by Joey Logano in the No. 20 Home Depot car. The spin dropped Kenseth back to 35th, and he gamely battled back to finish 14th. He remained sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 52 out of first.

    “Not only was Logano’s move childish,” Kenseth said, “it was also child-ish. As such, and given my non-confrontational style, I shall handle the situation with ‘kid gloves.’”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was rear-ended by A.J. Allmendinger’s No. 43 Ford on lap 43, the contact from which was later determined to have damaged the track bar on Hamlin’s No. 11 Fed Ex Freight Toyota. Hamlin resigned to the garage for repairs and finished 37th, completing only 99 of 110 laps.

    “We had the car to challenge Kurt Busch,” Hamlin said. “That is, until the bottom fell out, so to speak. Allmendinger may drive for Richard Petty, but his actions on Sunday surely weren’t fit for a king. In fact, A.J. is ‘STuPid.’ There was a lot of talk about road course ringers, but no one warned me about road course ‘Dingers.’ So Allmendinger gets the road course finger.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fourth at Sonoma, posting his third top-5 finish this year. It was Bowyer’s best result this year, and he improved two places in the Sprint Cup point standings to eight.

    “As you know,” Bowyer said, “my RCR teammate Jeff Burton will be taking NFL star Chad Ochocinco for some laps around Atlanta Motor Speedway on Thursday. Hopefully, this ride will last more than the 1.5 second bull ride Ochocinco took earlier this year. I think Jeff is really looking forward to this, and I expect he’ll get a lot from the experience, but not a word in edgewise.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 30 laps at Michigan and finished fifth, earning his series-best eighth top-5 result of the year. Edwards boosted his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now leads second-place Kevin Harvick by 20.

    “How does it feel to lead with nine laps to go and not win the race?” Edwards asked. “It’s the pits. My No. 99 Roush Fenway Ford was adorned with the Aflac ‘Now Hiring’ paint scheme, which hopefully served as a not-too-subtle hint to my crew members of the fleetingness of employment.”

    Now, as a driver for Roush Fenway, baseball and racing go together like Joe Gibbs Racing and cheating. From personal experience, I know an illegal oil can part when I see one. ‘Oil Can’ Boyd once roamed Fenway Park. ‘Oil Can Ployed’ makes its home at JGR.”

    2. Kyle Busch: An eventful week for Busch ended on Sunday with a solid third-place finish in the Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips 400 at Michigan. Busch’s probation ended last Tuesday, then the Joe Gibbs Racing fleet was ordered by NASCAR to change oil pans on Friday. On Sunday, Busch fought an indigestion problem before crew chief Dave Rogers rectified it with Tums and water. Busch improved one spot in the point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 29.

    “Take it from me,” Busch said. “It’s not always a bad thing to run out of gas.”

    “My No. 18 hauler was parked beside Kevin Harvick’s No. 29 hauler. That was risky, because even our haulers are feuding. I’m guessing NASCAR thinks a parking lot is the only place these two teams can get ‘along.’ But seriously, it looks as though NASCAR is sending us mixed signals. It appears probation was NASCAR’s way of saying ‘no more.’ This must be their method of asking for ‘more.’ I rate NASCAR’s disciplinary methods an ‘A’ for ‘ambiguity.’ Let me say, though, there was a lot of glaring going on between the two teams. I believe that’s the first time Harvick and I have seen eye to eye.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 14th at Michigan, struggling with handling issues and surviving  in the Heluva Good! 400. However, due to subpar days from Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Harvick vaulted two places in the point standings to second, and now trails Carl Edwards by 20 points.

    “See,” Harvick said, “I can revel in the misery of someone besides Kyle Busch. And I will continue to pester Busch without end. You would never hear me complain of heartburn. I’ve got a foolproof immunity to heartburn. It’s called being heartless.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 21st at Michigan, seeing a possible top-10 result fall to the wayside when his No. 88 Amp Energy Chevrolet was pinched into the wall on lap 191 when Mark Martin got loose and slid up the track. The contact caused a tire rub that ended Earnhardt’s charge to the front. He remained third in the point standings, 27 out of first.

    “It’s hard to stay mad at Mark,” Earnhardt said. “That’s why my crew and I held a ‘re-tire-ment’ party in the pits shortly after he sent me into the wall. At Mark’s last retirement party, I asked him to ‘stay in touch.’ Apparently, he took that a bit too literally. Now, unfortunately, he has to deal with the wrath of Junior Nation. The first rule of Junior Nation is: ‘If you ‘turn against’ the No. 88, regardless of circumstances, Junior Nation will ‘turn against’ you.”

    Despite it all, I still expect Mark and I to remain professional and work together. We’ve got lots of information to share. Mark’s finished second in the Sprint Cup rankings four times, so he’s got a wealth of advice to share about ‘not winning.’”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: An early spin on lap 8 foreshadowed a tough day for the No. 48 Lowe’s team at Michigan. A broken sway bar was found to be the culprit, and Johnson fell down two laps quickly after racing without the necessary equipment. A scarcity of yellow flags left the team with little opportunity for repairs, and Johnson finished 27th, one lap down. He tumbled three spots in the point standings to fifth, and trails Carl Edwards by 29.

    “As the five-time Sprint Cup champion,” Johnson said, “I normally advocate the ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ philosophy. Not in this case. A broken sway bar sent me for a loop. And even the sport’s most notorious ‘spin’ doctor, Chad Knaus, couldn’t put it back together. Chad’s and the No. 48 strategists often have cram sessions to find ways to skirt NASCAR’s nebulous rules. We call those meetings ‘unapproved part-ies.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth chased Denny Hamlin down the stretch at Michigan, but came up short after a last-gasp effort in the final turn. Kenseth spun his tires on the final restart, but got a boost from Roush Fenway teammate Carl Edwards, but pushed him to clean air. He got close to Hamlin, but lost by .281 seconds. Kenseth improved one spot to sixth in the point standings, and trails Edwards by 41.

    “Kudos to NASCAR officials,” Kenseth said. “They did something that I couldn’t—‘catch’ Hamlin. I now know why the Joe Gibbs cars had to go back to their old oil pans—because the new ones were ‘busted.’ In any case, Hamlin applauded me for my efforts with the same words NASCAR uttered to the Gibbs team—‘nice try.’”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won the race out of the pits during the final caution at Michigan, and repelled the advances of Matt Kenseth over the final laps. Hamlin’s narrow victory was his first of the season, and quite fulfilling in the wake of recent strong runs in which victory eluded him. He jumped three places in the point standings to ninth, and is 77 out of first.

    “Due to my slow start this season,” Hamlin said, “many people had written me off as a championship contender. To them, I say the same thing I told NASCAR inspectors last Friday: ‘It was an honest mistake.’ NASCAR’s fined the three JGR crew chiefs $50,000. That’s chump change, and not nearly enough to cause the ‘Great Oil Pan-ic of 2011.’”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th at Michigan after earning his third consecutive pole, just missing his fourth-straight top-10 result. He improved one spot in the point standings to seventh, and is now 41 out of first.

    “Even with an 11th-place finish,” Busch said, “I’m still not happy. I’m a habitual complainer. My crew chief Steve Addington will vouch for that. Tums may shut my brother Kyle up, but there’s not a product made that will stop my whining.”

    Despite my qualifying efforts, I’m still winless on the year. That, as well as my reputation as the most-punched driver in NASCAR, indicates that I’m unable to finish what I ‘started.’”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished sixth in the Heleva Good! Sour Cream Dips 400, posting his seventh top-10 finish of the year. Newman is now eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by 76.

    “Amid all the fighting, probations, and unapproved car parts,” Newman said, “I’ve quietly ascended to No. 8 in the point standings. Just like my fine for punching a fellow driver, you could say I’m flying under the radar.”

    10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon was running seventh when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hit the wall, bringing out the race’s final caution at Michigan. Gordon opted for four tires, which set him back to 15th for the restart. He lost two positions in the remaining five laps and finished 17th.

    “Obviously, two tires was the right call,” Gordon said. “We just made the ‘right’ call twice. And, as the saying goes, two ‘rights’ make a wrong.”