Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

1. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth at Richmond, posting his fifth top-5 result of the year. He led 11 laps on the night, and extended his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings from 5 to 9 over Jimmie Johnson.

“My friends call me ‘Cousin Carl.’ If asked to describe their rapport with me, most of my fellow driver would say ‘no relation.’ Now, should I maintain the points lead, by year’s end I hope to have all my rivals saying ‘uncle.’

“It was a wild night in Richmond, one characterized by survival. The fans had to survive the boredom of the first half of the race, and the drivers had to survive the second half. Figuratively, all hell broke loose. Literally, judging by the language used, ‘aw hell’ broke loose. I think NASCAR introduced a new flag, a solid blue one, that signaled drivers to tone down their ‘blue’ language.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch led 235 of 400 laps at Richmond, and stretched his last tank of gas for 107 laps to hold off Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin to win the Matthew And Daniel Hansen 400 Presented By Crown Royal, his third consecutive Richmond spring win. Busch is third in the point standings, 30 behind Carl Edwards.

“Hey, I love the Hansen brothers,” Busch said. “Maybe they’ll compose a tribute song to me and my sponsor called ‘M&M Bop!’ What’s that? They’re not the Hanson brothers? Very well. I, of all people, should know about imposters posing as brothers. 

“I found it quite satisfying that amidst all the chaos around on Saturday night, I was one of the few drivers to remain calm. And one of the most profanely vocal of the foul-mouthed bunch was my brother Kurt. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: ‘On an A to Z scale, Kurt is truly ‘R’ rated.” 

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson salvaged an eighth-place finish at Richmond, surviving an ill-performing car, as well as a run-in with Joey Logano’s No. 20 Toyota, to register his sixth top-10 of the year. Johnson is second in the point standings, nine behind Carl Edwards.

“What can you expect when the Lowes and Home Depot cars get together?” Johnson said. “Repairs, of course.

 “I hear that Logano’s crew chief Greg Zippadelli called me a ‘bleeping’ moron in a radio shouting match with Chad Knaus. I’m not offended at all. In fact, let’s give Zippy credit. Apparently, there’s only one thing he can do like a champ, and that’s curse.” 

4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer, in the No. 33 BB&T Chevrolet, led 18 laps early and finished 6^th at Richmond, Saturday’s top Chevrolet finisher. He moved up two spots in the point standings to 7^th, 51 out of first.

“Unlike some people,” Bowyer said, “I have nothing but good things to say about my pit crew. In fact, the BB&T pit crew is so reliable, I call them ‘Money In The Bank.’ Donald Trump surely has to recognize his boundless influence creeping into NASCAR, because between Kurt Busch and Martin Truex, Jr., enough ‘F-bombs’ and ‘you’re fired’s’ were dropped to make the Donald proud. Busch and Truex sure were unhappy about mistakes made by their teams and pit crews. It seems they’ve declared a war on error.”

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt endured a discouraging night in the Matthew And Daniel Hansen 400, finishing two laps down in 19^th and ending a three-race run of top-10 results. After the race, a frustrated Earnhardt uncharacteristically left the track without talking to reporters.

“Sometimes,” Earnhardt said, “frustration gets the best of you. But I won’t let it hold me down for long. Luckily, frustration is one thing I can beat.   

 “My winless streak now stands at 102 races. I recall fondly, as a little boy, dreaming of one day ‘going over 100.’ Well, dreams do come true.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 12^th and finished 12^th at Richmond, battling loose-handling conditions and falling a lap down to the leader late in the race. He dropped one spot in the Sprint Cup point standings to fifth, 35 behind Carl Edwards.

“12 and 12 is 24,” Harvick said. “And 24 is a case, a case of Budweiser mediocrity.”

Now, I’ve had my squabbles with Juan Montoya. Who hasn’t? It will be interesting to see where the Montoya-Ryan Newman feud goes from here. I’ve got some advice for both of them. Newman should tell Montoya, ‘If you want face me off the track, I’ll make you face me on the track, when I turn you around with my front bumper.’ To this, Montoya should simply reply, ‘Oh yeah? You and what Army?’”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was collected in a pile-up triggered by three-wide racing on a lap 301 restart, a wreck that sent Kenseth into the wall. After multiple stops to repair right-side damage, Kenseth limped home with a 21^st-place finish, two laps down to the leaders.

“I’m not sure who started that wreck,” Kenseth said. “I would venture to say he was a ‘bleeping moron.’ That wreck left a lot of cars damaged. So kudos to the pit crews who worked feverishly to get those cars back on the track. They had to be the night’s hardest workers, right behind networks censors, who erased more of Kurt Busch than his cosmetic ear surgeon.”    

8. Kurt Busch: Busch endured a frustrating day at Richmond, finishing 22^nd, three laps down, handicapped by a bad-handling No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge. To make matters worse, the No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Dodge was later caught up in the Ryan Newman-Juan Montoya dust-up. Busch dropped one spot to sixth in the point standings, 46 behind Carl Edwards.

“My chatter on the team radio is not suitable for virgin ears,” Busch said. “You could say the audio, much like my ears, needed to be ‘doctored’ to be presentable in public. But I don’t mind people saying I lost my cool. I see it as a compliment. If I lost my cool, then that means I was cool at some point. And it’s not often I get called ‘cool.’

9. Ryan Newman: Newman was running eighth when he was sent hurtling into the wall by Juan Montoya, in retaliation for Newman’s spin of the No. 42 car earlier that damaged Montoya’s back end. Newman struggled afterwards in his damaged No. 39 Stewart-Haas Chevrolet, and finished 20^th.

“Revenge will be forthcoming,” Newman said. “And it will be swift and speedy, if for no other reason than a need to justify my nickname of ‘Rocketman.’ I haven’t won a ‘pole’ in some time; soon, I hope to beat a Colombian. If you noticed after the race, Montoya took off on a golf cart instead of facing me like a man. I suppose that fiery Latino temperament, in this case, makes him a ‘spicy chicken.’ Of course, while Montoya slinked away on the ‘coward caddy,’ I headed to the NASCAR hauler to complain. As they say, ‘payback’s a snitch.’” 

10. (tie) Tony Stewart: Stewart finished ninth at Richmond, the last car on the lead lap, on a chaotic Saturday night in Virginia. Stewart improved two spots in the point standings to tenth, 60 out of first.

“I was appalled by the skill displayed at Richmond,” Stewart said. “But enough about Fox’s announcers. The driving was just as bad. After the half-way point, it seemed that driver sensibilities took a dramatic turn for the worse. Thus the race became a diminution derby. 

“Among the legion of idiotic drivers, none sttod out more than Juan Montoya, who blatantly wrecked Ryan Newman in retaliation for a clearly unintentional spin by Newman. Montoya is a wanted man. If driving the Target car isn’t proof enough of that, then these makeshift, Old West-themed ‘Juan-ted’ posters are. Revenge will be a team effort. Montoya should be on the lookout for both Ryan and me. We suggest Juan call us ‘Smoke And Rear-view Mirrors’ for the time being.”  

Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was good all weekend, winning his own charity race and the Nationwide BUBBA burger 250 on Friday, but wasn’t quite good enough on Saturday night. Hamlin finished second to teammate Kyle Busch, and Busch credited Hamlin with some advice that helped him master Richmond’s D-shaped, .75-mile circuit.

“A year ago,” Hamlin said, “if Kyle had told me he ‘needed help,’ I would have directed him to a reputable anger management counselor.

 “It was mighty nice of Kyle to conveniently run out of gas on the last lap to allow me to win my own charity race. I think he knew I needed a win, and he was more than happy to oblige. I was the charity case in the charity race.”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 151 of 200 laps at Fontana, but couldn’t hold off the late charges of Jimmie Johnson and Kevin Harvick. Johnson passed Busch with two laps to go, while Harvick slid by the No. 18 Toyota a lap later. Busch finished third, narrowly missing another weekend sweep after taking the Nationwide and Sprint Cup races at Bristol a week earlier.

“I’m disappointed we didn’t win,” Busch said, “but I can’t complain about a finish. Nor can Denny Hamlin, because he didn’t have one to complain about. I’ll send Denny my condolences via Federal Express, to his new address at the corner of Start and Park. But it’s concerning when engine woes become engine ‘whoa’s.’ Apparently, the engine shop has some bugs to work out. Fans of AMC’s infamous 1970’s subcompact car will be thrilled to hear this, but it seems that Toyota is now making Gremlins.”

I led ¾ of Sunday’s race, so, for 151 laps, I did what everyone expects of Kyle Busch, and that’s to ‘show my behind.’ That’s called giving the rest of the field a view of the ‘tail end of the lap leader.’”      

2. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished sixth in the Auto Club 400, posting his fourth top-10 result of the year. It was a solid finish for Edwards, albeit a disappointing one at a track on which he’s consistently been competitive, and gave him the lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. Edwards leads Ryan Newman by nine points.

“Kevin Harvick wasted no time in passing Jimmie Johnson,” Edwards said. “I hear they’re calling it ‘The Pass.’ And, they’re calling my failure to overtake Kyle Busch at Bristol ‘The Passive.’”

I still regret not pushing Kyle a little harder at Bristol. Next time, I won’t ‘beat around the Busch.’ I’ve learned a hard lesson in complacence. Next time, when Carl Edwards ‘sees’ an opportunity, Carl Edwards will ‘seize’ that opportunity.”  

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overtook Kyle Busch on lap 199 in the Auto Club 500, only to see Kevin Harvick slip by on the final turn, stealing the win from Johnson, who had won five times previously at Fontana. Johnson’s runner-up finish advanced him two spots in the Sprint Cup point standings to fifth, 14 points behind Carl Edwards.

“I guess Jimmy John’s does deliver,” Johnson said, “because I got ‘served’ by Kevin Harvick in the No. 29 Jimmy John’s Chevy. Harvick gave me something to think about, so I guess that makes it ‘food for thought.’ I wonder if he accepts tips. If he does, I’ve got one for him: It happens, but it won’t happen again.”

But does a last-lap pass make Harvick a contender for the Cup? Not in my eyes. I’ve got five Cup titles propping me up. My lovely wife has one ‘ring’ finger; I’ve got five. My three biggest rivals, Harvick, Kyle Busch, and Carl Edwards, have none. So, until something changes, I’m playing ‘ring around the posers.’ If they want to prove something to me, then they should improve.” 

I’ve got the field right where I want them. I’m fifth in the standings, and you know how my competitors hate to hear the words ‘fifth’ and ‘Jimmie Johnson’ used together.” 

4. Kevin Harvick: In fifth with nine laps remaining, Harvick blasted to the front in the final two laps, gaining Jimmie Johnson’s bumper before sling-shotting by the No. 48 in turn 4. Harvick posted his first win of the year, beating Johnson by a .144 margin.

“I hope this win reaffirms my commitment to dethroning the five-time defending champion,” Harvick said. “I’d like to think I’m seen as a legitimate threat, and I hope that when the No. 29 Chevrolet with ‘Jimmy John’s’ on the hood appeared in Jimmie Johnson’s rear-view mirror, he saw a little bit of ‘himself’ out there.” 

5. Ryan Newman: Newman finished fifth at Fontana, posting his third top-5 and fourth top-10 result of the year, as the Stewart-Haas Racing duo was again strong. Teammate Tony Stewart finished 13^th  after spending much of the day in the top 10. Newman moved up two spots to second in the point standings, and trails Carl Edwards by only 9.

“I think Stewart-Haas may be the strongest team in NASCAR right now,” Newman said. “Tony and I are talented drivers, and we’re not afraid to say or do whatever necessary to get our point across. You could say Tony and I have and make a formidable pair. And my engineering degree from Purdue University makes me the ‘dynamic’ of the ‘dynamic duo.’ As for Tony, he adamantly disavows any accusations that he’s ever matriculated in his life.” 

6. Kurt Busch: Busch started 23^rd in the Auto Club 500 and gained little ground throughout the duration of the race. The No. 22 Dodge, bearing Auto Club sponsorship, started tight, and the “Double Deuce” never found a remedy despite multiple adjustments. Busch fell from the lead in the point standings to third, ten points behind Carl Edwards.

“We were stuck in the middle of the pack all day,” Busch said. “Had we been sporting our usual sponsors and paint schemes, it would have been fitting to call us ‘Shell stationary.’”

But leads in the point standings this early in the season can be fleeting. Of all people, I should know. As a veteran of cosmetic surgery, I can tell you that some things are ‘ear today and gone tomorrow.’ And that’s no joke. Trust me, I know importance of being earnest. However, I don’t know the importance of being ear-less, but I do know the importance of having less ear.”   

7. Tony Stewart: Stewart ran among the leaders all day at Fontana, chasing front-runner Kyle Busch, who led 151 laps, for much of the race. However, after the final restart, Stewart’s No. 14 Office Depot Chevrolet faded, and he finished a disappointing 13^th. He dropped two spots in the point standings to sixth, 17 out of first.

“We’ve been fast all year,” Stewart said. “We’ve led laps, and we’ve made the right pit calls. We’ve done everything but win. Someone once said, or some someone once misquoted me in Rolling Stone as saying, “Racing is a lot like a visit to the massage parlor—it’s a lot better when there’s a happy ending.”

8. Paul Menard: Menard scrambled to a 16^th-place finish in the Auto Club 400, with tight handling conditions spoiling his chances for a result in the top 10. Menard’s No. 27 Serta/Menard’s Chevrolet stood in ninth for a restart with about 25 laps remaining, but quickly dropped to 16^th as the handling deserted him. He fell further back before the race’s last restart,  

“Despite a lackluster finish,” Menard said, “I’m still proud of my position in the Sprint Cup point standings. I don’t think anyone expected me to be seventh in the points after five races. And, with Serta sponsorship on my car, you could say I’m a real ‘sleeper.’ Apparently, it was enough to wake up my RCR teammates, who’ve been sleeping on the job.”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fourth in the Auto Club 400, registering his second top-5 result of the year. He’s charged back from a slow start to the season with two consecutive 4^th-place finishes, and is now 10^th in the point standings, 30 out of first.

“Carl Edwards has assumed the Sprint Cup points lead,” Kenseth said. “He’s become the unquestioned leader of Roush Fenway Racing, but that doesn’t mean his teammates like it. I like to say he’s the ‘face’ and the ‘ass’ of Roush Fenway.”

Now, as NASCAR’s unofficial spokesman for bland and boring, and the lead singer of the Mötley Crüe cover band ‘Mätt-ley Crüe, a band known for the hit ‘Mild Side,’ I’m compelled to comment on Sunday’s race. It was 197 laps of low drama, followed by three laps of melodrama. For the first 197 laps, the Auto Club 400 should have been called the ‘Auto Pilot 400.’” 

10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne posted his third top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Fontana, backing up an identical ninth at Bristol a week earlier. After a 25^th at Daytona, Kahne hasn’t finished outside the top 15, and is now 11^th in the points, 30 out of first.

“I guess it’s true what they say,” Kahne said. “Red Bull does give you wings, because I’ll be taking flight from Red Bull to Hendrick Motorsports at season’s end. It’s common knowledge that when I sign a contract, it’s often scored by the sound of the Beatles ‘Hello Goodbye’ playing in the background.”