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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex swept the stages and was the dominant car all day at New Hampshire on his way to the win in the Crayon 301.

“I was thrilled to hoist the huge lobster given to the winner,” Truex said. “Especially since this is my first win at New Hampshire. And it’s a memory I’ll treasure forever. And one day, I’ll tell my kids all about it. It will be my personal lobster tale.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano came up short at his home track, settling for the runner-up spot at New Hampshire behind Martin Truex Jr.

“If some filed a motion that Truex was unstoppable on Monday,” Logano said, “I’m best qualified to ‘second’ it.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh in the Crayon 301.

“Congratulations to my teammate Martin Truex Jr.,” Hamlin said. “He drove like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately for NASCAR ratings, there was a tomorrow.”

4. William Byron: Byron finished 24th in the Crayon 301.

“Chase Elliott is in danger of missing the NASCAR playoffs,” Byron said. “But I think, with the support of Hooters and the Dawsonville Pool Hall, he’ll be able to ‘rack’ up a win to get him in the playoffs.”

5. Kyle Larson: Larson led six laps and finished third in the Crayon 301, posting his ninth top-five of the year.

“Martin Truex Jr. was just unstoppable,” Larson said. “I have nothing but kind words to say about him. Those words are so much more meaningful when they’re not a requirement of sensitivity training.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch got loose and nailed the wall at the end of Stage 1, damaging the right side of his No. 8 Chevrolet. Busch finished last, completing only 71 laps.

“In addition,” Busch said, “I crashed in qualifying and had to start at the back of the field. So, I was pretty much handcuffed from the start. So, now I’ve been handcuffed in two countries.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 22nd at New Hampshire.

“This race was called the ‘Crayon 301,’” Blaney said. “Surprisingly, it’s ‘Crayon Software Experts,’ and not the crayons children color with, or many NASCAR fans write with.”

8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 23rd at New Hampshire.

“Ryan Newman was driving the No. 15 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Logano said. “That means only one thing: Rusty Wallace was nowhere near the race track.”

9. Christopher Bell: Bell started on the pole at New Hampshire and finished 30th, a lap down.

“I had to make an unscheduled pit stop on Lap 74 for a loose wheel,” Bell said. “That pretty much ruined my day. I don’t know who it was, but one of my pit crewmen screwed me. Actually, he didn’t screw me enough.”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 10 laps and finished fourth in the Crayon 301.

“There are six more races until the playoffs start,” Harvick said. “That means it’s ‘crunch time.’ Now, if you’re racing anywhere near Ross Chastain, it’s always crunch time.”

July 17, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta II

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. William Byron: Byron blew a right rear tire on lap 80 after contact with Corey Lajoie. Byron spun, fortunately keeping the car off the wall, and fell a lap down. Byron persevered and recovered to take the lead early in the final stage. He held on for the win as rain ended the race early on lap 185.

“That just goes to show you should never give up,” Byron said. “Unless you’re leading the race when the rain comes. Then I’m all for quitting.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Quaker State 400, posting his seventh top 5 of the year.

“If things would have played out a little differently,” Busch said, “I could have won that race. Also, if things would have played out a little differently before, I could currently be residing in a Mexican prison.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney edged Kyle Larson for the Stage 1 win and went on to finish 8th at Atlanta.

“Congratulations to William Byron,” Blaney said. “I guess he was in the right place at the right time. Me? I find it difficult being in the right place at the right time even when it doesn’t rain.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano and his Penske Racing cohorts were strong throughout the night at Atlanta.

“Penske cars were running 1-2-3 at points in the race,” Logano said. “That’s what you call ‘having your teammate’s back.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was running in the top 10 on lap 155 when Alex Bowman got loose and clipped Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota. Hamlin spun through the infield grass and lost massive track position. He eventually finished 14th.

“How about the Coca-Cola paint scheme on my Toyota?” Hamlin said. “It was all over my No. 11 car. Talk about ‘rolling in Coke.’ No one’s done it like this since Tim Richmond.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 29th in the rain-shortened Quaker State 400 at Atlanta Motor Speedway.

“With the threat of rain midway through the race,” Truex said, “drivers started operating with a sense of urgency. In other words, they’re driving like maniacs. Some, like Michael McDowell, for example, drive like that on pit road.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain was collected in a lap 124 accident, causing his right-front tire to blow. The damage from the blown tire ended his day and he finished 35th in the Quaker State 400.

“You didn’t hear my name mentioned much during the race,” Chastain said. “Incidentally, when my name is mentioned, it is a four-letter word.”

8. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 23rd in the Quaker State 400.

“Even though it’s a 1.5-mile track,” Bell said, “Atlanta Motor Speedway is one of the fastest tracks on our schedule. It has everything that Daytona and Talladega have, except an infield with the space to hold the people that would normally fill the Daytona and Talladega infield. So, unlike those people, the AMS infield lacks girth.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson spun on Lap 92 while running 14th and while entering pit road, blew a tire and suffered substantial front-end damage. He finished 36th.

“That was my sixth DNF of the year,” Larson said. “That stands for ‘Did Not Finish.’ I have three wins this season and am locked into the playoffs. So, to me, those ‘DNF’s’ ‘DNM.’ That’s ‘Do Not Matter.’”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled for most of the night at Atlanta, and a late spin left him several laps down. He finished 30th.

“It was cool to run pace laps side-by-side with Richard Childress in the No. 29 I drove to my first Cup win in 2001,” Harvick said. “It felt like old times, mostly because Richard is 77 and I’m 47.”

July 11, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicago Street Circuit

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Like many drivers, Busch slammed into the Turn 6 tire barrier and had to be helped out by a tow truck to continue. Busch recovered and charged to a finish of fifth, posting his sixth top-five of the year.

“Luckily,” Busch said, “I know exactly what to do in a situation like that. I can’t tell you how many times, one instance very recent, in which I’ve needed to be pulled out of a serious jam.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Chicago and survived an early spin to come home 11th in the Grant Park 220.

“It was tricky driving on a wet track,” Hamlin said. “You could say I ‘lost it,’ which is pretty much what I do in every episode of my podcast, ‘Actions Detrimental.’ Considering my spin, this week’s podcast will be subtitled ‘Traction’s Instrumental.’”

3. William Byron: Byron hit the tire barrier in Turn 11 on Lap 50 and caused a chain reaction, which blocked half the track, causing a massive logjam as cars tried to find a way through. Byron lost track position and ultimately finished 13th.

“I felt helpless,” Byron said. “Heck, all I could do was ‘sit there and watch,’ which made me remember that I’m happy to have Liberty University as a sponsor.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran in the top five for the majority of the Grant Park 220, but his day was ruined when he spun exiting Turn 5 and fell to 35th. His day ended for good on Lap 67, when he slid deep into a tire barrier. He finished 32nd.

“I think NASCAR needs to add more street circuits,” Truex said. “I think it’s cool to drive a track and be able to look up and see skyscrapers, which is also the only vantage point in which fans can actually see the action.”

5. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd at Chicago.

“I really wasn’t a factor at all in this race,” Chastain said. “When I am a factor in a race, I’m usually the winner or the reason someone doesn’t win.”

6. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 and 2 at Chicago and finished 18th after a lot of late-race drama.

“I just had a lot of bad luck,” Bell said. “First, I lost all my track position when William Byron caused a pileup on Lap 49, then I hit the tire barrier in Turn 1 in my haste to make up ground. It just goes to show that on a street circuit, anything can happen, including a driver winning in his very first Cup start, beating pretty much every full-time Cup driver. His name is Shane Van Ginsbergen. He just put New Zealand on the map. Most NASCAR fans couldn’t find New Zealand on a map.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson started charging in Stage 2 and finished fourth in the Grant Park 220.

“Saturday’s Xfinity race was postponed halfway through due to inclement weather,” Larson said. “What’s worse, the Chainsmokers concert was totally canceled. Many fans remember the good old days of NASCAR, like in the 1970s, when if you mentioned the ‘chainsmokers,’ you were referring to every single NASCAR driver.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 29th at Chicago.

“I’ve just got one suggestion,” Harvick said. “If you’re holding a race called the Grant Park 220 on a street circuit, why not just call in the ‘Grant Prix?’”

9. Joey Logano: Logano survived a trip into the Turn 6 tire barrier on Lap 22, and continued with little to no damage. He methodically made his way to the front and finished eighth.

“That Turn 6 tire barrier really had a busy day,” Logano said. “I think nearly every driver made contact with it. That tire barrier has subsequently been renamed ‘Ross Chastain.’”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney tagged the Turn 6 wall hard on Lap 18, the damage of which severely compromised his car. He finished 33rd.

“This city is known for its Chicago-style hot dog,” Blaney said. “It’s a little different from the Martinsville hot dog, in that it’s not lethal.”

July 2, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 50 laps at Nashville, but couldn’t match the speed of Ross Chastain in the final stage and settled for the runner-up spot.

“Ross just had too much,” Chastain said. “You could say he ‘destroyed the field.’ If you add up all the cars of competitors he’s wrecked over the course of his career, you could also say he’s ‘destroyed the field.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered damage on Lap 147 when he tagged Ryan Blaney after cars in front checked up on a restart. Busch, however, recovered and salvaged a ninth-place finish.

“‘It was an accident,’” Busch said, “is what I said after the race, and also this one time at an airport in Mexico.”

3. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Nashville.

“As per usual,” Byron said, “my car was primarily sponsored by Liberty University. Liberty U. is even advertising during NASCAR races to attract students. Who wouldn’t want to attend Liberty? It’s the academic intersection of education, religion, and voyeurism.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 and finished third in the Ally 400.

“There’s losing,” Hamlin said, “and then there’s losing to Ross Chastain. I hate all of those things.”

5. Ross Chastain: Chastain started on the pole at Nashville and came on strong in the final stage to win the Ally 400 at Nashville Superspeedway.

“It’s really cool being rewarded with a guitar for winning a race, ” Chastain said. “Let my ability to strum a tune remind everyone of my desire to win the Cup championship, because ‘I ain’t playing.’”

6. Christopher Bell: Bell came home seventh at Nashville, posting his tenth top 10 of the year.

“We’re headed to Chicago next week for the first NASCAR race on a street circuit,” Bell said. “Fans in the Windy City are in for a real treat. For once, something other than bullets are going to be whizzing through downtown Chicago.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 24th in the Ally 400 at Nashville.

“My No. 4 Ford sported the Busch Light Peach paint scheme,” Harvick said. “I’m not sure who this flavor of beer would appeal to, but they should have the taste slapped out of their mouths.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano struggled to crack the top 10 at Nashville and scored a disappointing 19th in the Ally 400.

“I was barely able to stay on the lead lap,” Logano said. “So, at least for a day, ‘Sliced Bread’ felt like the ‘End Piece.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney crashed out at Nashville on Lap 147 when a restart stacked up the field, resulting in Kyle Busch rear-ending Blaney and sending him into the inside wall. Blaney finished last in 36th.

“I don’t know who was leading the field to green on that restart,” Blaney said, “but I’d like to introduce them to a gas pedal, and also my fist.”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fifth at Nashville, recording his seventh top 5 of the season.

“Ross Chastain looks like a real championship contender,” Larson said. “Now, he’s in the head of every other championship contender. You could say, like a real watermelon farmer, he ‘planted a seed.’”

June 26, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at Sonoma but couldn’t catch Martin Truex Jr. late and settled for the runner-up spot.

“I thought I could catch Martin,” Busch said. “I gave it my best shot. There’s nothing like a charge in ‘Wine Country,’ except for maybe a ‘charge’ in ‘Tequila Country.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex held off former teammate Kyle Busch to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Sonoma.

“Nothing beats sipping wine in Victory Circle at Sonoma,” Truex said. “Except shotgunning a beer anywhere but Victory Circle at Sonoma.”

3. William Byron: Byron started 26th and finished 14th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“My Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott chatted with Denny Hamlin about their incident at WWT Raceway,” Byron said. “I don’t know the details of their talk, but I’m pretty sure they put the ‘cuss’ in ‘discussion.’”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Sonoma.

“That was my 806th Cup series start,” Harvick said. “That put me ahead of Jeff Gordon for the most all-time. I may have more starts than Jeff, but I’ll never have more championships or marriages.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Sonoma, his second consecutive third-place finish.

“Good things come in threes,” Logano said, “unless you’re Austin Dillon.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney struggled at Sonoma and finished 31st.

“Road course racing is not my cup of tea,” Blaney said, “and here in Sonoma, it’s not my glass of wine.”

7. Christopher Bell: Bell finished ninth at Sonoma, his first top-10 finish since Dover in April.

“This race was a typical Sonoma race,” Bell said. “Long, boring, and lacking entertainment. Here in Wine Country, the race packed all the drama of a wine tasting.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole, but wrecked with under 20 laps to go and finished last at Sonoma.

“I’ve got no one to blame but myself,” Hamlin said. “But by the time my latest podcast goes live, I’ll have someone else to blame.”

9. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 10th at Sonoma, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

“It’s always fun to see Denny Hamlin wreck,” Chastain said. “And it’s about time he did something without my help.”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson came home eighth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“It was a good day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Larson said. “But only because all four regular drivers participated.”

June 11, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: WWT Raceway

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at World Wide Technology Raceway and won Stage 1 on his way to the win in the Enjoy Illinois 300. Busch managed several restarts down the stretch and repelled the challenge of Kyle Larson.

“I had quite a spirited battle with Kyle Larson over several laps late in the race,” Busch said. “Luckily, we raced each other clean and didn’t have an accident. That would have caused a bad scene. I would have probably done something stupid, and Larson would have probably said something stupid.”

2. William Byron: Byron finished eighth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

“I thought Corey LaJoie did a fine job substituting for Chase Elliott,” Byron said. “But he’s no Chase Elliott. If he was, he’d be sitting at home right now.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney, fresh off a win at Charlotte, won Stage 2 and finished sixth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

“I was pretty close to winning my second straight race and starting another streak,” Blaney said. “On second thought, I did start another streak….another winless streak.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame an early equipment violation to post a fifth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

“The gas can was left in the car on one of our early pit stops,” Truex said. “I feel like Kyle Busch because I left somewhere with something I shouldn’t have.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin made a late pass on Kyle Larson on an overtime restart to take the runner-up spot in the Enjoy Illinois 300 at World Wide Technology Raceway.

“I like to think I played a part in getting Chase Elliott suspended,” Hamlin said. “You probably heard all about it on my newest podcast, ‘Actions Instrumental.’”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at WWTR, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

“Sunday’s race was delayed several times for lightning,” Harvick said. “With those, plus all the cautions, and all the wrecks, it took forever to run this race. It also seemed like this race took forever to run.”

7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was running in the top 10 on lap 173 when he blew a right front brake rotor, sending him into the Turn 1 wall. The damage ended his day, and he finished 33rd.

“This track does a number on brakes,” Reddick said. “Ironically, my brakes are what stopped me today.”

8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

“I can’t say I’ve ever intentionally wrecked anyone,” Chastain said. “I can say I’ve unintentionally wrecked a lot of people. You could say I’m the ‘Britny Spears of NASCAR,’ because ‘Oops! I Did It Again.’”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at World Wide Technology Raceway after challenging Kyle Busch for the win late.

“Busch seemed to be on a mission to win,” Larson said. “And in a car with ‘3CHI’ emblazoned on it, Busch’s win was all the buzz afterward.”

10. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at World Wide Technology Raceway.

“Congratulations to Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “He pulled off the ‘Triple Crown Of Racing,” which is winning the pole, leading the most laps, and winning the race. He’s also completed the “Triple Crown Of Stupidity,” by doing 128 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone and getting arrested in Mexico with a gun in his luggage. I know that’s only two things, but the Mexico incident is so stupid, I’m counting it twice.”

June 5, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Christopher Bell: Bell finished sixth at Dover and continues to lead the Cup series point standings.

“Congratulations to the Truex brothers for winning the Dover double,” Bell said. “I think the only other brother combo to do it better was the Busch brothers, and Kyle could even do it without Kurt’s help.”

2. Ross Chastain: Chastain took Stage 2 at Dover, but his four fresh tires weren’t enough to catch Martin Truex Jr. over the final two laps, and Chastain settled for the runner-up spot.

“If I would have had just a little more speed,” Chastain said, “I think I could have caught Truex and won the race. And since my No. 1 car sported the Jockey paint scheme, as the fastest car in the race, I could have legitimately called it the ‘Crotch Rocket.”

3. William Byron: Byron won Stage 1 at Dover and led a race-high 193 laps, but didn’t have quite enough car at the end and settled for fourth.

“It’s unusual that a Hendrick car didn’t have enough,” Byron said. “According to NASCAR inspectors, Hendrick cars often have too much.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame a pit issue midway through Monday’s race and recovered, with the aid of a quick two-tire pit stop late, to win the Wurth 400 at Dover. The win snapped a 54-race winless streak for Truex.

“My brother Ryan won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday,” Truex said. “So the Truex family pulled off not one, but two, victories at Dover. We call that ‘Truex-tra.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth at Dover, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“Please listen to my podcast ‘Actions Detrimental,’” Hamlin said. “So, while you put a bud in your ear, I’ll probably put a foot in my mouth.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third at Dover, posting his third consecutive top-10 finish.

“I’m in the midst of a 57-race winless streak,” Blaney said. “I’m confident it will end soon. That is until I talk to my dad Dave Blaney about it. He’s still looking to end his streak.”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Dover, but ran into trouble early, penalized for speeding in the pits on Lap 22. Soon after, Busch sustained damage in an accident in the back of the field and eventually finished 21st.

“When I was in my 20’s,” Busch said, “issues like those would have driven me crazy. But I’ve mellowed with age. That’s a statement you probably thought you’d never hear a 37-year-old man who tried to get a handgun through a Mexican airport say.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished eighth at Dover.

“Everybody wants that Dover trophy,” Keselowski said. “I applaud the sculptor who created the ‘Miles The Monster’ trophy. I especially applaud him or her for their ability to get Bruton Smith to sit still long enough to pose as model for that trophy.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson’s No. 5 Hendrick was damaged early in an accident triggered when Ross Chastain bumped Brennan Poole into a spin, which collected Larson. Larson suffered extensive damage and finished 32nd, 41 laps down.

“Chastain drives car No. 1,” Larson said. “He’s also No. 1 on a growing number of drivers’ ‘S’ list.

10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished seventh in the Wurth 400 at Dover.

“In light of the injuries suffered by Chase Elliott and Alex Bowman, “Hendrick Motorsports has told their drivers to ‘take it easy.’ ‘Take it easy’ could also be interpreted as ‘stop doing stupid stuff.’ ‘And ‘stop doing stupid stuff’ could also be applied to Ross Chastain.”

May 1, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Christopher Bell: Bell finished eighth at Talladega, recording his seventh top 10 of the season.

“Noah Gragson accidentally turned Harrison Burton on Lap 142,” Bell said. “Those two have a history. They got into a fight in 2020 at Kentucky. Gragson’s car had Wendy’s sponsorship, which conveniently answers the question, ‘Where’s the beef?’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch survived a series of late restarts and was just ahead of Ryan Blaney when the final caution ended the race, giving him the win in the Geico 500 at Talladega.

“I’m not too proud to say that lots of things worked out in our favor,” Busch said. “Sometimes it’s best to be good. Sometimes, it’s best to be lucky. And sometimes, it’s best to have the best legal representation money can buy.”

3. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Talladega.

“As is usually the case,” Byron said, “my car sported the Liberty University paint scheme. For those not familiar with Liberty U., it’s in Lynchburg, Virginia, and is unofficially known as ‘Mind If I Watch U.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Talladega and finished 15th.

“Michael Jordan was in attendance to watch Bubba Wallace and Ty Gibbs race,” Hamlin said. “It’s got to be a huge thrill for fans lucky enough to bump into the greatest basketball player of all time at a race track in Alabama. I mean, what are the odds? Well, MJ could probably tell you exactly what the odds are.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led a race-high 47 laps, but came up short at Talladega when a caution ended the race with Blaney trailing Kyle Busch in the lead.

“Bubba Wallace pretty much cost me the win,” Blaney said. “Michael Jordan would be proud of him because Bubba ‘blocked’ me with a ‘lane violation’ and ‘assisted’ Kyle Busch to the win. And, of course, the race went into overtime.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 27th, the last car on the lead lap, after he was collateral damage in the final wreck that ended the race.

“Congratulations to my former teammate Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “He was extremely fortunate to win that race. He can now call himself the luckiest man in two countries, Mexico and the United States.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd at Talladega.

“There are superspeedways,” Chastain said. “And then there is ‘Super Speed Way,’ which is the street named after Jeremy Mayfield.”

8. Kevin Harvick: A late pit stop for fuel cost Harvick a chance at a top-five finish, and instead settled for 20th in the Geico 500.

“I made my 800th Cup start at Talladega,” Harvick said. “Unlike my car at Talladega, I get great mileage.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson was knocked out of the Geico 500 on lap 190 when a wild restart sent him hurtling into the path of Noah Gragson. Larson finished 33rd.

“Talladega is always such an unpredictable race,” Larson said. “I think that’s exactly what fans want to see: unpredictability. If fans are looking for something predictable, they should go watch a Hendrick car post-race inspection.”

10. Joey Logano: Logano bounced back from an early speeding penalty, and was in contention late before contact with Corey Lajoie wrecked him on Lap 184. Logano was able to continue and finished 30th.

“Talladega is always a race in which any driver in the field can win,” Logano said. “It’s also a race in which any driver in the field can be the reason you don’t win.”

April 23, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson charged early at Martinsville, and was into the top 10 by lap 20 after starting 19th. Larson surged again in the latter part of the race, holding off Joey Logano while leading.

“I was just in a hurry to get to Ryan Preece,” Larson said, “to see if he was for real after winning the pole and to get some payback for his treatment of me at Bristol. But as soon as I got near the front, he started dropping like a fly, proving that instead of running with the big dogs, he runs from them.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano started at the back of the field

“I have mostly fond memories of Martinsville,” Logano said, “and one not-so-fond memory. That’s thanks to Matt Kenseth. But I’ve mostly gotten over that situation, through therapy and positive imagery, in which I picture Matt Kenseth as himself, and I picture myself as Carl Edwards bullying him.”

3. Christopher Bell: Bell started 22nd and finished 16th in the NOCO 400.

“Every driver dreams of raising the grandfather clock trophy at Martinsville,” Bell said. “Now, Kyle Larson has his, and he’s won two of the last three races. He looks like the favorite to win the championship. Larson may have the clock, but everybody knows what time it is.”

4. William Byron: Byron finished 23rd in the NOCO 400 at Martinsville.

“Chase Elliott returned after missing the last six weeks recovering from a broken leg suffered while snowboarding,” Byron said. “Now, every time Chase vows to do something, he’ll hear the same three words from everyone at Hendrick: no, not ‘Break a leg.’ I’m talking about ‘Don’t go snowboarding.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third in the NOCO 400 at Martinsville.

“That’s my first top-five of the season,” Truex said. “Except for Christopher Bell, it’s been a pretty slow start for everybody at Joe Gibbs Racing. With Kyle Busch gone, I’d say Christopher is JGR’s top driver. The rest of us, we’re the B-team. In short, with Kyle gone, Christopher’s taken over the job of ‘A’-hole.”

6. Ross Chastain: Chastain led 31 laps and finished 13th at Martinville, and is second in the points standings, 13 behind Christopher Bell.

“I feel pretty good about finishing 13th,” Chastain said, “especially since I started the race 34th. So, much like Denny Hamlin’s championship-less career, I feel like I won the battle, even though I didn’t win the war.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Martinsville.

“It’s amazing that Chase Elliott was able to return so quickly after breaking his leg,” Blaney said. “Kudos to the doctors who performed the surgery. Heck, there’s no telling what kind of hardware Chase has in his leg. It’s the same thing NASCAR inspectors say about Hendrick cars.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stage 2 at Martinsville but faded late and came home 20th.

“We were in contention,” Harvick said, “but we blew that when I had to return to the pits to tighten a lug nut. Seeing your chances evaporate like that is tough to swallow and hard to digest, much like a famous Martinsville hot dog.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 21st at Martinsville.

“To make things even more frustrating,” Busch said, “I had to deal with Corey LaJoie. Corey’s earned a reputation as a real douchebag in this sport. So, he’s like a less-talented, less-successful version of me.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 36 laps and finished 4th at Martinsville, posting his first top-five result of the season.

“I’m pleased,” Hamlin said, “but the real story here for me is Bubba Wallace bumping me during the race. Did he forget that I’m his team owner? Ironically, it was a totally ‘boss’ move by Bubba.”

April 16, 2023
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Christopher Bell: Bell led 100 laps and held off Tyler Reddick to win the Food City Dirt Race at Bristol.

“I’m thrilled to get this win,” Bell said. “Not only is it big for the Playoffs, but I also got that big trophy plus a sweet gladiator sword. There are two things I can’t wait to do with that sword: 1, Show it off to my friends, and 2, ship it to Mexico and ask Kyle Busch to bring it back the next time he’s there.”

2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was on the charge late, attempting to catch Christopher Bell, but ran out of time and had to settle for his second consecutive runner-up finish in the Bristol Dirt Race.

“If you saw my post-race interview with Fox’s Jamie Little,” Reddick said, “then you’re well aware that I’m used to coming up a little short.”

3. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Bristol.

“My team was penalized again after failing inspection at Richmond,” Byron said. “But let’s be honest, we’re just trying to make our car faster; NASCAR keeps catching us. They’re preventing us from making a ‘fast getaway (with it).’”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Bristol, as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Christopher Bell captured the win.

“Bell’s one of the best drivers on tracks like this,” Truex said. “His name has become synonymous with ‘dirt.’ The name ‘Denny Hamlin’ brings up similar associations, because his name is ‘Mud’ when it comes to retaliatory maneuvers on the track.”

5. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished a disappointing 28th at Bristol, one lap down.

“Dirt track racing is not my cup of tea,” Chastain said. “If I did have a cup of tea, I’m sure someone would have a problem with it. And with it being Easter, I’m sure I’d get crucified for it.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Bristol.

“Michael Waltrip was joined on his Bristol ‘Grid Walk’ by the Easter Bunny,” Harvick said. “From what I understand, the Easter Bunny doesn’t speak, yet he’s still a better interviewer than Waltrip.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Bristol and won Stage 1, but was knocked out of the race by Ryan Preece on Lap 177. He finished 35th.

“I think Preece was retaliating for earlier contact between us,” Larson said. “Does he know who I am? Heck. Does he know who he is? Obviously not, because he’s out there trying to make a name for himself.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano had an eventful day, full of spins and contact with other cars, and was finally knocked out of the race on Lap 96. He finished 37th.

“My car was all over the place,” Logano said. “That place was ‘last.’”

9. Kyle Busch: A broken shock with 13 laps to go ended Busch’s night in the Food City Dirt Race. He finished 32nd.

“It wasn’t the finish I was looking for,” Busch said. “On the bright side, though, I got to shake hands with Tim Tebow. That’s probably as close as I’m gonna get to feeling the hand of God. That is, a God-awful NFL quarterback.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran near the front for the majority of the night at Bristol, but a spin on a restart with eight laps to go cost him a top-five finish. He finished 23rd.

“The track conditions changed quite a bit over the duration of the race,” Blaney said. “If you took a look at the stands, you noticed that the track was the only thing ‘packed.’”

April 10, 2023