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Category: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

Jeff’s NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott passed Ryan Blaney on the final lap to win the YellaWood 500 at Talladega, advancing to the Round Of 8.

“That final lap pass will be immortalized in that famous bar in my hometown of Dawsonville, Georgia,” Elliott said. “It will be a poster on the wall titled ‘The Dawsonville Pool Haul.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Talladega in a fairly uneventful YellaWood 500.

“Not a lot happened in the race,” Hamlin said. “It’s a huge surprise when nothing ‘goes down’ in a NASCAR race, especially tires.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led with a lap to go at Talladega, but was passed by Chase Elliott, who crossed the line .046 of a second ahead of Blaney.

“That’s a very slim margin,” Blaney said. “But it’s exactly the type of finish you’d expect from Chase and me because we’re ‘very close.’”

4. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished fourth at Talladega.

“My No. 1 car sported the ‘Jockey’ underwear paint scheme,” Chastain said. “It goes without saying that I always appreciate their support.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano struggled to a 27th-place finish at Talladega.

“Luckily,” Logano said, “I’m still fifth in the playoff standings. That means I don’t necessarily have to go to Charlotte’s roval with the intention of winning. In other words, I have ‘cushion for not pushin.””

6. William Byron: Byron finished 12th at Talladega and is 10th in the playoff standings, 11 points below the Round Of 8 cut line.

“I was docked 25 points for spinning Denny Hamlin at Texas,” Byron said. “I guess, much like Denny, I was asking for it.”

7. Christopher Bell: Bell struggled at Talladega and finished 17th, failing to collect a single stage point.

“I think everyone’s in agreement that the ‘Next Gen’ car is garbage,” Bell said. “But what is NASCAR doing about it? Nothing, it appears. I think their attitude is: ‘We’ll let the next generation deal with it.”

8. Daniel Suarez: Suarez finished eighth at Talladega and is seventh in the playoff standings.

“Oddly enough,” Suarez said, “there was no ‘Big One’ at Talladega. There wasn’t even a ‘Big 1,’ which is what happens when Ross Chastain causes a wreck.”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson started second and finished 18th at Talladega.

“I’m sixth in the playoff standings,” Larson said. “If the standings were based on the level of excitement of your car’s paint scheme, I would finish last every week.”

10. (tie) Erik Jones: Jones finished sixth in the YellaWood 500, and was responsible for giving Chase Elliott the push that allowed Elliott to pass Ryan Blaney for the win.

“This may be the closest the No. 43 car will come to making a championship impact,” Jones said, “since Richard Petty’s last championship in 1979.”

10. (tie) Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished 10th at Talladega, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

“I’m currently eighth in the playoff standings,” Briscoe said. “I’m getting advice from my car owner Tony Stewart, and he tells me I’ve got to ‘stay hungry.’ Coming from Tony, I know that’s good advice, because I know he’s lived it.”

October 3, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Denny Hamlin finished 10th at Texas.

“I had a late run-in with William Byron,” Hamlin said. “He said he didn’t mean to spin me. I can tell you my response to that will be ‘pre-meditated,’ because I’m definitely going to think very spiritually about it before I do it.”

2. Chase Elliott: Elliott slammed the wall with 27 laps remaining in Stage 2, and his No. 9 NAPA Chevy caught fire before coming to rest in the infield grass.

“At the time,” Elliott said, “I was leading the race. I was smoking the field, and continued to do so.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Texas and tried to chase down Tyler Reddick over the closing laps, but couldn’t get close enough and settled for the runner-up spot.

“It’s a great points day for us,” Logano said. “For a lot of playoff drivers, it was a great finger points day.”

4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 at Texas and finished fourth at Texas.

“This race had it all,” Blaney said. “Heat, rain, lighting, as well as high winds from all the air leaving tires.”

5. William Byron: Byron posted a solid seventh in the EchoPark Automotive 500.

“I honestly didn’t mean to spin Denny Hamlin,” Byron said. “I’m ‘positive’ of that, and that’s also the same result I’d get on a lie detector test.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson posted a solid ninth at Texas, joining Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron in the top 10.

“Despite my good result,” Larson said, “I’m not a big fan of this track. I said earlier they should tear it to the ground and start over. You know, like I did with my career that time.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 13th at Texas, and is 18 points above the cut line as the series heads to Talladega.

“I won at Talladega in the spring,” Chastain said, “so I feel pretty confident I can leave there still in good playoff standing. I’m going to Talladega with the mindset of ‘just stay out of trouble.’ And since no other driver wants to be near me on the track out of fear I’ll wreck them, it should be smooth sailing for me.”

8. Christopher Bell: Bell suffered a variety of issues at Texas, all of which contributed to his retirement on Lap 136. He finished 34th.

“I went from 4 points above the cut line,” Bell said, “to 29 points below it. Much like tires at Texas, this blows.”

9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick led 70 laps and won the EchoPark Automotive 500 at Texas, his third win of the year.

“The name of the race was quite fitting,” Reddick said. “Apparently, the ‘echo’ in that race name obviously referred to all of the drivers saying ‘I blew a tire.’”

10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Like many other drivers, Truex blew a tire and slammed the wall on Lap 268. He finished 31st.

“Once upon a time,” Truex said, “there was a thing called the ‘tire wars.’ I suggest we revisit that because I declare war on Goodyear.”

10. (tie) Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished fifth at Texas, posting his fourth top-five of the season.

“After a race like that at Texas,” Briscoe said, “I’ve just got one question: Were the jets used in the pre-race flyover transporting any immigrants anywhere?”

September 26, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Night Race

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott — Elliott finished second at Bristol and easily advanced to the Round of 12.

“I recently said I don’t think NASCAR should try to compete head-to-head with NFL football,” Elliott said. “NASCAR can try to silence me, but that’s just because they’re afraid to tackle the issues affecting our sport.”

2. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished ninth at Bristol and advanced into Round 2 of the playoffs.

“I had already clinched a spot in the second round of the playoffs after Stage 1,” Hamlin said. “Usually, when I say my race is done early, it’s because Ross Chastain wrecked me.”

3. Christopher Bell — Bell won Stage 2 at Bristol and easily advanced to Round 2 of the playoffs.

“I like my chances to become Cup champion,” Bell said. “If that happens, it may be one of the greatest upsets in NASCAR history. Most of the ‘greatest upsets’ in NASCAR history belong to Kyle Busch.”

4. William Byron — Byron finished third at Bristol and advanced to Round 2 of the playoffs.

“All four Hendrick Motorsports drivers made the Round of 12,” Byron said. “At Bristol, the term ‘all four’ was prevalent, used often to say ‘All four of his tires are not on.’”

5. Ross Chastain — Chastain finished sixth at Bristol and advanced to the Round of 12.

“A few drivers had their playoff hopes wrecked at Bristol,” Chastain said. “Those were wrecks I had nothing to do with.”

6. Joey Logano — Logano came home 27th at Bristol and is on to Round 2 of the playoffs.

“That was my 500th Cup start,” Logano said. “That’s a lot. Some people, like Matt Kenseth, say it’s 500 too many.”

7. Kyle Larson — Larson finished fifth at Bristol, posting his 11th top-five of the season.

“I recently signed a three-year extension with Hendrick Motorsports,” Larson said. “I haven’t checked the fine print, but given my history, I’m sure there is some fine print.”

8. Ryan Blaney — Blaney had numerous tire issues and finished 30th at Bristol, but still advanced to Round 2 of the playoffs.

“I felt the same way as a lot of fans in attendance,” Blaney said, “because I was wildly cheering the misfortune of Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick.”

9. Chris Buescher — Buescher won at Bristol, becoming the third consecutive non-playoff driver to win a playoff race.

“Normally,” Buescher said, “I wouldn’t really be thrilled to be mentioned in the same breath with Erik Jones and Bubba Wallace.”

10. (tie): Kyle Busch — Busch blew an engine just past the halfway point at Bristol and finished 34th, which eliminated him from the playoffs.

“That’s my second blown engine in the last three races,” Busch said. “So, I lead all drivers in blown engines, and easily lead all drivers in blown gaskets and blown fuses.”

10. (tie) Kevin Harvick — Harvick was running near the front until a disastrous pit stop on Lap 438 when his pit crew failed to fully secure his left-rear tire. The lost track position left Harvick in 10th, where he finished.

“I needed a win to advance,” Harvick said. “But unfortunately, I needed a fifth wheel to finish the race. And speaking of ‘fifth wheels,’ my pit crew is one.”

September 22, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin chased down Bubba Wallace over the closing laps, but couldn’t get close enough to make the pass, instead settling for his second-consecutive runner-up finish.

“Congratulations to my 23XI Racing driver,” Hamlin said. “If I could have gotten a little closer, I was getting ready to make a ‘boss’ move.”

2. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 11th in the Hollywood Casino 400 at Kansas.

“We needed a solid performance,” Elliott said, “and we got it. I wasn’t happy with my performance at Darlington. By ‘backing it into the wall,’ I left my back against the wall.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth at Kansas.

“Congratulations to Bubba Wallace on his win,” Blaney said. “That’s two straight wins by non-playoff drivers. I’m just the opposite: a non-winning playoff driver.”

4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished third at Kansas and clinched a spot to the second round of the playoffs.

“This takes a lot of the pressure off of me,” Bell said. “I don’t need to win; there are a lot of drivers who do. So, while they’re going ‘balls to the wall’ at Bristol, my balls will be in a much safer place.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Kansas and finished 17th, one lap down.

“North Wilkesboro will host the 2023 All-Star Race,” Logano said. “I think it’s great because NASCAR is going back to its roots. The only roots in Los Angeles, where last year’s race was held, are those being dyed in the hair of those L.A. posers.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished eighth in the Hollywood Casino 400.

“I’m 27 points above the playoff cut line of 12th place,” Larson said. “So, barring a disaster, I should advance. I’m really excited to defend my championship, because trust me, defending a championship is much better than defending yourself.”

7. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Kansas.

“The Bristol Night Race is going to be huge,” Byron said. “It’s on a Saturday, and some playoff drivers need a win just to advance to the next round. It’s going to be intense, and must-see TV. As the driver of the car with the ‘Liberty University’ paint scheme on his car, I can promise you fans will be watching as intently as Jerry Falwell, Jr. watches his wife and the pool boy.”

8. Ross Chastain: Chastain solidified his playoff standing with a seventh at Kansas.

“That’s right,” Chastain said, “I’m a good bet to make the second round of the playoffs. Personally, I’m thrilled that I’ll be able to make an impact in the second round. There are at least 11 other drivers that feel otherwise.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 26th at Kansas a spin on Lap 130 resulted in two flat tires, leaving him a lap down.

“I’m headed to Richard Childress Racing in 2023,” Busch said. “They made a deal with me, so now they have to deal with me.”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s day ended early at Kansas when he slammed the wall after getting loose while racing in tight quarters with Ross Chastain and Bubba Wallace. Harvick finished last in 36th.

“That’s a finish of 33rd and 36th for me in the playoffs,” Harvick said. “The bad news? I’m the coldest driver in the playoffs. The good news? I’m not ‘on fire.’”

“In regards to what happened at Darlington, I’m surprised Busch didn’t create a new marketing campaign around the slogan, ‘You got a light?’”

September 12, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott lost control with two laps to go in Stage 1, hitting the wall and bouncing into the path of Chase Briscoe. The damage was severe, and his team failed to repair it in the allotted 10 minutes, forcing Elliott’s retirement, in last place.

“This is the last thing we needed to happen,” Elliott said. “You might as well call it the ‘Worst Chase Scenario.’ I hear down at the Dawsonville Pool Hall, they’re saying I put myself behind the 8-ball.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started strong in the Playoffs, finishing second in the Cook Out Southern 500.

“It’s important to get off to a good start,” Hamlin said. “You can’t win the championship in the first round of the Playoffs, but you sure can lose it. You can also lose the championship in the last round of the Playoffs.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano started from the pole at Darlington and finished fourth.

“I issued a warning before the race to William Byron,” Logano said. “I said, ‘You don’t want to mess with me’ in regards to our issue at the Darlington spring race. Don’t discount me, I can make a threat, even though I look like the least-threatening driver in all of motorsports.”

4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 13th at Darlington.

“How about Erik Jones winning in the No. 43 car?” Blaney said. “That car number was made famous by the legendary Richard Petty. Petty is the ‘King,’ and he would like everyone to ‘ST(o)P‘ with the silly comparisons.”

5. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fifth at Darlington.

“Considering the attrition in the race,” Bell said, “I’m just glad I finished. A lot of other drivers, well, they’re just finished.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered engine issues at Darlington and fell three laps down, but diligently worked his way back to the lead lap and finished a remarkable 12th.

“I’m quite experienced at digging myself out of holes I created,” Larson said. “And that other time, I certainly didn’t get a ‘free pass.’

“I was a little discouraged when I began to have trouble early in the race. But then I thought, ‘I’ve salvaged a career; it should be easy to salvage a day.”

7. William Byron: Byron won Stage 1 at Darlington, but couldn’t capitalize the rest of the way and finished eighth.

“The ‘Track Too Tough To Tame’ really lived up to its name,” Byron said. “And if you ask Kevin Harvick, he’ll tell you the Cook Out Southern 500 did as well, especially the ‘Cook Out’ part.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at Darlington, and was leading under caution when his engine blew with 23 laps remaining. “This racetrack really did a number on me and other playoff drivers,” Busch said. “And that number is the ‘No. 2.’

“It would be amazing if I could win a championship before I sign a new contract. That would give my value a good chance to catch up to my ego.”

9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick saw a solid effort at Darlington come to an end when his rocker panel ignited, causing a fiery end to his night on Lap 276.

“Luckily,” Harvick said, “I was able to stop the car safely and get out, despite the cockpit being full of smoke. If that would have happened in Tyler Reddick’s 3CHI-sponsored car, then that’s the ultimate ‘hot box.’”

10 (tie). Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was leading late at Darlington, but a dramatic engine failure ended his day on Lap 333.

“Just because I’m ineligible to win the championship,” Truex said, “doesn’t mean I’m going to roll over to the drivers who are. I may be out of the Playoffs, but I’m not out of the way.”

10 (tie). Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 20th at Darlington when a tire issue in Stage 2 set him back in the field.

“Of course it’s not the start to the postseason I wanted,” Chastain said. “But I’m just happy to be in the Playoffs. At the beginning of the year, most people thought I couldn’t make the Playoffs. Well, guess what? I crashed the Playoffs, and with apologies to Denny Hamlin, Martin Truex, Jr., and others, it most likely won’t be the last thing I crash.”

September 5, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 29th at Daytona, and will start the playoffs in first with a 15-point lead over second-place Joey Logano.

“I’m also 21 points ahead of Kyle Larson,” Elliott said. “Twenty-one points may not sound like much, but in the NASCAR playoffs, it’s pretty substantial. Of course, I want to maintain that lead, so I suggest Kyle ‘keep his distance’ from me.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Daytona and finished 12th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

“I just signed a long-term extension with Penske Racing,” Logano said. “And I can’t wait to tell everyone, especially Kyle Busch.”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran into early trouble when he was collected in a crash triggered when Denny Hamlin sent Erik Jones spinning in front of the field. Blaney’s No. 12 suffered heavy damage but was able to stay in the race, finishing 15th, and claiming the final playoff spot.

“After that crash,” Blaney said, “I really didn’t know what to think. Luckily, my No. 12 Chevy was sponsored by a well-known auto parts franchise, and having the word ‘Advance’ on the side of my car told me exactly what I needed to do.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch took Stage 2 in the Coke Zero Sugar 400 and finished 10th, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.

“In regards to my contract situation,” Busch said, “Toyota executive David Wilson said, ‘I don’t want to race against a pissed-off Kyle Busch.’ My potential teammates probably have a somewhat similar view, ‘because they just don’t want to race with Kyle Busch, pissed off or otherwise.”

5. Kyle Larson: Larson’s No. 5 Chevrolet overheated on lap 31, forcing him to the garage on lap 31. He finished last in 37th.

“Speaking of hot,” Larson said, “Chase Elliott is still irritated with me about the finish at Watkins Glen. But I say let bygones be bygones. Hopefully, Chase can put it behind him as much as he wants to put me behind him.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was knocked out of contention in the Coke Zero 400 when he was caught up in the “Big One” on lap 139. He continued and finished 20th.

“You can’t take chances with the weather at superspeedways,” Harvick said. “Take it from me, when you’re doing close to 200 miles per hour and you see liquid on the track, the Kevin Harvick ‘4-Cast’ calls for a 100% chance of liquid in your pants.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was leading at Daytona when a sudden downpour caused most of the field to lose traction, causing the “Big One.” After a long rain delay, racing resumed and Hamlin finished 25th.

“NASCAR should have stopped the race sooner,” Hamlin said. “But I can’t fully blame NASCAR officials. They have about as much control of the weather as they do over Ross Chastain.”

8. Christopher Bell: Bell was one of many drivers involved in the “Big One” on lap 139. He finished 36th and will start the playoff with 2011 points, 29 back of Chase Elliott in first.

“That wreck took out a lot of the big names,” Bell said. “And that left a lot of names in the top 10 that were not household names. It was a veritable ‘Who’s Who?’ of ‘Who is that?’”

9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Daytona, but it wasn’t enough to put him in the playoffs as first-time season winner Austin Dillon took the surprising win.

“One minute,” Truex said, “I’m in the playoffs. The next minute, I’m not. But that’s just the uncertainty of the final regular season race at Daytona: you can go from ‘OK’ to ‘KO‘ in a heartbeat.”

10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 33rd at Daytona.

“I’m seeded third in the playoff standings,” Chastain said. “And I’m sure the playoffs are going to be wild, especially with me in them. Fans and drivers alike are eager to find who I can eliminate from the playoffs first: me, or another driver.”

August 28, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at rainy Watkins Glen and was poised to take the win. But a late restart was his downfall, as Kyle Larson out-dragged him for the lead with five laps to go. Elliott finished fourth.

“You could tell in my post-race interview that I was holding back my anger,” Elliott said. “I know better than to criticize my teammate and create a distraction in this team. I’m just trying to be the better man, and doing that is easy, because I am.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 2 at Watkins Glen and finished third.

“2007 Formula 1 champion Kimi Räikkönen was in the field at Watkins Glen,” Logano said. “You could tell by his finish of 36th that Kimi is unfamiliar with NASCAR. You could tell that NASCAR fans aren’t familiar with a driver when they can’t say or spell his name.”

3. Kyle Larson: Larson stalked Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott over the final laps at Watkins Glen, and finally forced his way by on the final restart. Then Larson repelled the challenge of A.J. Allmendinger to win the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“I won the race by taking the inside line,” Larson said. “Chase Elliott says being shoved out of the way by a teammate is an inside job.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 12th in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“Racing in the rain is not my cup of tea,” Harvick said. “In fact, I don’t even drink tea, unless it’s made by Busch.

“My in-car camera for the race was sponsored by Northern Tool. Many drivers refer to Connecticut-born Joey Logano as the ‘Northern Tool.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“Sunday’s race started in the rain,” Hamlin said. “And I wasn’t much of a factor. I’m not much of a wet weather driver. There’s only one thing I like less than rain on the track, and that’s Ross Chastain.”

6. Christopher Bell: Bell challenged up front in the final stage at Watkins Glen and came home with an eighth, his 14th top 10 of the year.

“Sunday’s race featured quite the international flavor,” Bell said. “There were drivers representing six other countries besides the United States. And I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that Ward Burton still has an accent harder to understand than all of theirs.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 24th at Watkins Glen, and has a 26-point advantage over Martin Truex Jr. as the two battle for the final playoff spot.

“I still haven’t officially clinched a spot in the playoffs,” Blaney said. “So I’m going to Daytona with my fingers crossed, my stomach in a knot, my panties in a twist, and my sphincter in a clinch.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“The outcome of the race hinged on a team’s early ability to switch from wet tires to dry tires,” Truex said. “Substitute ‘pants’ for ‘tires’ in that sentence, and you’ve successfully described a fan’s experience in the Daytona 500 infield.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch’s chances to win at Watkins Glen unraveled when he was penalized on a late pit stop for pitting outside his pit box. Then a spin and contact with the wall left him further down the order. Busch eventually finished 32nd, one lap down.

“I’m still entrenched in contract negotiations,” Busch said. “And it’s frustrating. I’m a two-time Cup series champion—–teams should be fighting over me. Even my mortal enemy Brad Keselowski agrees. He says I’d be an ‘ass-et’ to any team.”

10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 21st at Watkins Glen.

“If famous statesman Ben Franklin were alive today,” Chastain said, “he would no doubt update one of his famous sayings to include me, because ‘Nothing is certain except for death, taxes, and Ross Chastain being involved in an accident.’”

August 21, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Richmond, posting his ninth top five of the year.

“Short track racing is the best,” Elliott said. “There were a lot of cars making contact on the track, which I’m sure the fans love. But really, what the fans really want to see are drivers making contact, off the track.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano powered to the Stage 2 win, but faded late and eventually finished sixth at Richmond.

“We led a race-high 222 laps,” Logano said, “but once the sun went down, we struggled to find the right balance. That’s what’s known as the ‘NASCAR gods throwing shade’ at me.”

3. Kevin Harvick: One week after winning at Michigan, Harvick surged late and held off Chris Buecher and Christopher Bell to win at Richmond.

“It was Cup win number 60,” Harvick said. “That’s a number that some of these younger drivers have a hard time fathoming. They hear ‘Kevin Harvick’ and ’60’ and think, ‘I thought he was older.’”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Richmond.

“Kevin Harvick is the hottest driver in NASCAR right now,” Hamlin said. “Once the NASCAR playoffs start, I contend Harvick will be a ‘4’ to be reckoned with.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was clipped early by Ricky Stenhouse Jr. who missed pit road and swerved into the path of Truex’s No. 19 Toyota. Truex fell a lap down but recovered to post a seventh at Richmond.

“Stenhouse’s car was primarily sponsored by Kleenex,” Truex said. “That should come in handy for him because as I’m in a fight to make the playoffs, I don’t need a snot-nosed kid getting in my way.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran in the top 10 for the majority of the race on his way to a 10th in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“My car sported the ‘Body Armor’ paint scheme,” Blaney said. “And in today’s racing climate, I can’t stress enough the importance of having Body Armor. ‘Body armor’ is practically a must-have, especially with Ross Chastain on the track.”

7. Christopher Bell: Bell charged late at Richmond, but couldn’t catch Kevin Harvick and settled for the runner-up finish in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“I tried my best to catch Kevin Harvick there at the end,” Bell said. “But I just couldn’t get closer to the ‘Closer.’

“But congratulations to Harvick on his 60th win. That’s 58 more Cup wins that I have, and 59 more facial hairs than I have.’

8. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Richmond and finished 14th, one lap down, in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“We just couldn’t get the car dialed in,” Larson said. “So it was a frustrating day for me. But I’ve learned that when I’m frustrated, I should keep my head down and keep my mouth shut, with special priority on the ‘keep my mouth shut’ part.”

“But answer me this. Is there a valid reason the Federated Auto Parts 400 is not abbreviated the ‘FAP 400?’ I’m guessing there is”.

9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished ninth in the Federated Auto Parts 400.

“I made contact with Ross Chastain at one point during the race,” Busch said. “But then again, who hasn’t?

“Kevin Harvick tied me with his 60th Cup series win. That does not make me ‘Happy.’ And it may be the first time I’ve been on the same ‘page’ with Harvick.”

10. Ross Chastain: Chastain won Stage 1 and finished 18th at Richmond.

“Another day,” Chastain said, “another wreck that was my fault. I’m pretty sure I’ve set a record this year, for most apologies in one season. My No. 1 Chevy had ‘Be A Moose’ on it; maybe it should have read ‘Be At Fault.’”

August 14, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott overcame a slow start to post an 11th at Michigan.

“There are three races left in the regular season,” Elliott said, “so the pressure is going to be immense for some drivers. But not for me. While some drivers are thinking about just making the playoffs, I’ll be thinking about winning the championship. There the playoff bubble, and there’s the playoff bubbly.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Michigan, posting his sixth top-five of the season.

“Congratulations to Kevin Harvick,” Logano said. “They don’t call him ‘The Closer’ for nothing. I hear they used to call Tim Richmond ‘The Opener,’ because he had a drinking problem.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 and came home third in the FireKeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

“If not for a pit road speeding penalty,” Hamlin said, “I could have won this race. But this just goes to show you what I can accomplish when I’m completely focused on racing and not Ross Chastain.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth at Michigan, but with Kevin Harvick’s win, finds himself in a perilous playoff predicament.

“The words ‘Kevin Harvick winning’ is painful to my ears,” Truex said. “I think there’s only one other thing that would pain my ears even more, and that’s Brad Daugherty’s southern accent.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home fifth at Michigan, recording his eighth top-five of the year.

“I’m still searching for my first win this season,” Blaney said. “But I’m battling hard with Martin Truex Jr. to see who can not win the best.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson overcame a pit road speeding penalty and charged toward the front during Stage 3 to finish seventh in the FireKeepers Casino 400.

“I was just a bit unlucky,” Larson said. “But as they say in this sport, ‘Those are the breaks.’ Or as they say about Kyle Larson, ‘Those are the brakes, and they either don’t work, or I don’t use them properly.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain was a threat to win until a late speeding penalty left him a lap down. He finished 24th, one lap down.

“My day at Michigan wasn’t a total loss,” Chastain said. “I had contact with Christopher Bell with 41 laps to go. Why do I consider that a good thing? Because I was involved in an accident that wasn’t my fault. Victories are awesome, and so are small victories.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick pulled away on the final restart and won at Michigan, snapping a 65-race winless streak and clinching a playoff spot.

“That’s a huge weight off my shoulders,” Harvick said, “and right onto Martin Truex’s and Ryan Blaney’s.

“And of course, my victory calls for a post-race celebratory meal of Hunt Brothers Pizza and Busch Light. And the next morning, I think it will hit me, that the implications of this win are astronomical and gastronomical.”

9. Christopher Bell: Bell started strong at Michigan, capturing Stage 1, but contact with Ross Chastain midway through Stage 3 left him with a damaged car. He eventually finished 26th.

“I’m disappointed,” Bell said. “I’m disappointed because I could have won the race, but mostly I’m disappointed because I was in an accident with Ross Chastain and it was my fault. That disappointment will soon become embarrassment because I’ll find myself in a situation in which Chastain has to teach me a lesson.”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch’s Sunday ended early when he was collected in a huge pileup after a lap 25 restart, one of 11 cars affected. Busch finished 36th and has now gone eight straight races without a top 10 finish.

“I just can’t buy any luck,” Busch said. “If I could buy any luck, it would be in the following manner: I would buy out the contract of J.J. Yeley and have him replaced with a competent driver. There’s no way my luck wouldn’t improve after that.”

August 8, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indy Road Course

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 17th in the Verizon 200 at Indianapolis.

“I was battling for the lead on a late restart and got spun from behind,” Elliott said. “It’s always a crapshoot going into Turn 1 at Indy. There’s only one thing you can say about Indy’s Turn 1, and that is that more than 1 will be turned.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at Indy, recording his ninth top-10 result of the season.

“A race on the Indy road course is incredibly more entertaining than a Brickyard 400,” Logano said. “Heck, you could even say that Turn 1 in this race alone packed more excitement than 27 years of the Brickyard 400.”

3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick took the lead on Lap 62 at Indy and survived several restarts to win the Verizon 200, taking his second win of the year.

“That’s also my second road course win,” Reddick said. “I think that easily establishes me as the greatest race car driver who looks absolutely nothing like a great race car driver. My apologies to Indy car great Bobby Rahal, who used to hold that distinction”.

4. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 2 in the Verizon 200, but had a top 10 finish derailed by a flat tire with six laps to go. He eventually finished 12th.

“I braked a little too heavily entering Turn 12,” Bell said, “and flat spotted the right-front tire. That’s what happens under braking at Indy, especially when you’re over-braking.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 15th in the Verizon 200 as no Joe Gibbs Racing cars placed in the top 10.

“That was my 600th career Cup start,” Hamlin said. “That’s impressive, and it’s really the story of my career because I can start with the best of ’em, but I can’t finish as the best of ’em.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 12th at Indy.

“I’m still a free agent,” Busch said, “so I’m weighing my options. Trust me, I’ve had offers. Many have been for me to go to this team, and many have been for me to go to that team, but most have been for me to go to hell.”

7. Ross Chastain: Chastain charged late and briefly took the lead over Tyler Reddick when he bailed on Turn 1 and took the access road through. Alas, Reddick got back by Chastain, and NASCAR deemed Chastain’s pass illegal anyway, a penalty which relegated him to 27th.

“NASCAR is really cracking down on drivers taking shortcuts,” Chastain said. “Just ask Denny Hamlin or Kyle Busch. Suffice it to say that if it’s me ‘cutting corners,’ NASCAR has ‘straightened’ me out.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 22nd at Indy, and is fifth in the points standings, 133 out of first.

“I’m good on points for the playoffs,” Truex said, “but it would be nice to get a win and clinch it for sure. And I’m sure I can get it. In fact, I guarantee I’ll get in. I’m confident in my abilities, and when you’re confident in yourself, you’re a lot like Kyle Larson’s brakes—there’s no stopping you.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney used a bold fuel-only pit stop early at Indy, which worked out until he was collected in one of many Turn 1 incidents. A sure top five turned into a 27th-place finish.

“The fuel-only pit stop was crucial,” Blaney said, “and obviously the right decision. I mean, it’s a quicker stop without tires, and you gain lots of track position. It’s a ‘win-win’ situation, which is two more wins that I have so far this year.”

10. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger finished seventh in the Verizon 200, one day after triumphing in the Xfinity Series race.

“Sunday’s was a grueling race for me,” Allmendinger said. “Not only was the cooling system in my race suit not working, but I also ran out of water. I was overheated but was still able to push the car to the limit. Heat exhaustion aside, I can still appreciate being called ‘Hot Flash.’”

August 1, 2022