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Tag: Dale Earnhardt Jr

  • NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson recovered from left front damage to the No. 48 and stormed back to win the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville. Johnson qualified for the Chase For The Cup finale at Homestead on November 20.

    “That’s my ninth Martinsville win,” Johnson said. “Now, I’ve got nine grandfather clock trophies. That makes me the father of grandfather clocks.

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 48 laps and finished third at Martinsville.

    “I race hard at Martinsville,” Hamlin said. “And I think some drivers don’t like that about me. Jimmie Johnson was upset at how hard I raced him, and my Joe Gibbs teammates Matt Kenseth and Kyle Busch were also pissed at me. I can understand Johnson’s frustration, but not my whiny teammates. Trust me, for my teammates and I, there was a race lost, but there is no love lost.”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 176 laps at Martinsville and finished fourth, posting his eighth top five of the year.

    “I famously wrecked Joey Logano last fall at Martinsville,” Kenseth said. “That gave the fans something to cheer for. I don’t know if they were necessarily my fans because I don’t think I have any fans.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500, recording his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “I’m still the defending Sprint Cup champion,” Busch said, “and I will remain that until someone pries it from my cold, dead hands. And here’s a Halloween reminder: M&M’s won’t melt in your mouth, and they definitely won’t melt in your cold, dead hands.”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th in the Goody’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville.

    “I just wasn’t myself at Martinsville,” Harvick said. “You could say I was ‘Un-Happy.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Martinsville, posting his 13th top five of the season.

    “NASCAR needed 29 caution laps to sort out the field order after Carl Edwards hit the wall on lap 358,” Logano said. “I don’t know who NASCAR has in charge of this, but they must be out of the ‘loop.’”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 22nd, three laps down, at Martinsville, and likely will need a win at Texas or Phoenix to advance to the final Chase round.

    “Now that Halloween is over,” Busch said, “I think it’s safe to remove my costume because I’ve been masquerading as a Cup contender since the start of the Chase.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Martinsville in a bittersweet finish for the 2014 Sprint Cup champion.

    “After failing to qualify for the next round,” Keselowski said, “I’ve kind of been a little dejected and walking around in a daze. In other words, I’ve been ‘out of it.’

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Martinsville and finished seventh.

    “I’m out of the running for the Sprint Cup championship,” Truex said, “so I’ve been rendered a mere spectator. But I’m still right in the middle of the action. That makes now a perfect time to introduce Furniture Row’s ‘Best Seat In The House’ promotion, in which nothing is on sale because I want you to feel my disappointment.”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards blew a tire late at Martinsville and finished 36th, putting a serious damper on his championship hopes.

    “Obviously,” Edwards said, “tire wear was an issue. I think that right-front tire was worn completely. And I hate bald tires just as much as Sport Clips hates bald heads.”

  • The Final Word – Talladega. Need I say more?

    The Final Word – Talladega. Need I say more?

    Talladega had everything on Sunday a race fan or adrenalin junky could desire. It provided incredible action, with leaders driving looking at their mirrors rather than out the windshield, running at close to 200 miles per hour just inches apart. We watched in awe as they managed to avoid disaster lap after lap, at least until disaster struck. Even at the end, Kevin Harvick channelled his inner Negan when confronting teammate Kurt Busch on pit road after the event. It had everything.

    It was a countdown to heartbreak, but whose? Just over a hundred miles in, we thought we had the answer. Joey Logano left the pits under green dragging his jack underneath the car for a full circuit before coming back to pay the penalty and remove the piece of equipment. At the same time, Denny Hamlin got tagged for speeding. It could have meant the end of their title hopes, but it was not.

    Three laps later, Martin Truex Jr.’s auto went up in a beautiful white plume of smoke to bring out the caution. No engine, no chance, with his only hope being for Logano to somehow wind up no better than 27th on the day. That did not work out so well for him.

    Anyone else visiting the Heartbreak Hotel? Why, yes, there was one more. Brad Keselowski was the guy to beat, but he spent so much time in front he collected a bit of trash that would not go away. Finally, he let Ryan Blaney slip by him so he could tuck up behind to have the air turbulence clean off his grill. It worked like a charm, but it proved too late. The engine was cooked, and Keselowski’s day and his championship dreams went up in a Truex-like puff of smoke.

    That left Logano to take the win, as Brian Scott came home right behind him for a season-best finish. Hamlin, Busch the elder, and Ricky Stenhouse Jr. rounded out the Top Five. Along with Keselowski and Truex, the Chase ended for Austin Dillon and Chase Elliott as they all regroup for this weekend in Martinsville.

    Before that, maybe there needs to be a peace summit at Stewart-Haas after Busch ran into the side of Harvick’s car on the cool down lap. If Busch could let out his inner Rick Grimes, I guess Harvick could release his inner Negan, a reference you might understand if you watch a certain AMC program. Harvick leaned into his teammate’s car on pit road and seemed to initiate some kind of physical interaction.

    “He’ll understand it and I’m sure he’ll clear it up in his interview,” Busch said in his, though Harvick did not clear up much of anything. “We’re great teammates, we’re going good together,” Busch continued, and he was right. They had got together, in a bit of a bad way, which was the root of their problems. Now they have to talk. Just hope nobody brings Lucille.

    His forced exile from the cockpit did not prevent Dale Earnhardt Jr., who is ranked third in restrictor plate victories all-time, behind Jeff Gordon and his father, from showing up as a guest commentator. In the booth wearing his glasses, I could not help but wonder exactly when Junior developed an inner accountant. There was no question about his knowledge of the track and that kind of racing. No question either as to where he would prefer to be sitting and it was not high in the sky.

    That was Talladega, but can anyone tell me the official name of the race? Who cares, it was at Talladega. That track creates its own traditions, no matter what they call the event. On Sunday, the first of three semi-final races takes place at Martinsville. Once again, I am reminded how NASCAR has tossed aside traditional branding to make a buck. I mean, which sounds better to you, the Goody’s Fast Pain Relief 500 or the Old Dominion 500?

    Let me conclude by presenting, if I had my way, what the NASCAR schedule would look like. Sadly, 10 events have always had changing sponsored names, with no opportunity to establish some kind of identity. One day…one day. Tell me what you think.

    Daytona 500 – Daytona, FL
    Dixie 500 – Atlanta, GA
    Las Vegas 400 – Las Vegas, NV
    Phoenix, AZ
    California 400 – Fontana, CA
    Virginia 500 – Martinsville, VA
    Texas 500 – Fort Worth, TX
    Southeastern 500 – Bristol, TN
    Richmond 400 – Richmond, VA
    Alabama 500 – Talladega, AL
    Kansas City, Kansas
    Mason-Dixon 400 – Dover, DE
    World 600 – Charlotte, NC
    Pocono 400 – Pocono, PA
    Motor State 400 – Brooklyn, MI
    Sonoma, CA
    Firecracker 400 – Daytona, FL
    Sparta, KY
    New Hampshire 301 – Loudon, NH
    Brickyard 400 – Indianapolis, IN
    Pennsylvania 400 – Pocono, PA
    355 at the Glen – Watkins Glen, NY
    Volunteer 500 – Bristol, TN
    Yankee 400 – Brooklyn, MI
    Southern 500 – Darlington, SC
    Capitol City 400 – Richmond, Tn
    Chicago, IL
    Loudon, NH
    Delaware 400 – Dover, DE
    National 500 – Charlotte, NC
    Kansas City, KS
    Talladega 500 – Talladega, AL
    Old Dominion 500 – Martinsville, VA
    Fort Worth, TX
    Phoenix, AZ
    Homestead, FL

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 23rd in the Hellman’s 500 and will head to Martinsville as the favorite to win the first race of the next round of the Chase.

    “Martinsville is one of my favorite tracks,” Johnson said. “I’ve got eight wins there, which means I’ve got eight grandfather clock trophies. Winning there to start the third round of the Chase would certainly be a ‘timely’ victory.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh in the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and is one of seven drivers moving on to the next round of the Chase.

    “You may have seen me take a swing inside Kurt Busch’s car after the race,” Harvick said. “That’s three years in a row in which I’ve been involved in some sort of controversy midway through the Chase. I guess it’s just that time of the month.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and just edged out Austin Dillon for the eighth and final spot in the third round of the Chase.

    “I beat Kurt Busch for third by a matter of feet,” Hamlin said. “To put it into words that I know Busch can understand, I ‘beat’ him by the length of Kevin Harvick’s arm.”

    4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home 28th at Talladega and will join his three Joe Gibbs Racing teammates in Round 3 of the Chase.

    “I’ve got to hand it to Joey Logano,” Kenseth said. “He really came through with the pressure on. I guess everything in his car was working to perfection, especially the ‘clutch.’”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 30th at Talladega and safely advanced to the next round of the Chase.

    “Our goal was simply to avoid disaster,” Busch said. “Going forward, ‘avoiding disaster’ may entail steering clear of any Stewart-Haas Racing driver. Tony Stewart, Kevin Harvick, and Kurt Busch all have anger issues. Their teammate Danica Patrick stays mentally grounded by doing yoga. That might help her teammates. But can you see Stewart, Harvick, and Busch doing yoga? That would be a stretch.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano survived a couple of late restarts to win the Hellman’s 500 at Talladega and clinch his spot in the Round of 8 in the Chase.

    “With the race being the Hellman’s 500,” Logano said, “there was no champagne in victory circle, just mayonnaise. So, to celebrate, ‘Sliced Bread’ was covered by mayonnaise.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fourth in the Hellman’s 500, then had a controversial run-in with Stewart-Haas teammate Kevin Harvick, who took a swing at Busch while he sat in his No. 41 car after the race.

    “Much like a female government assassin,” Busch said, “Harvick ‘hits’ like a girl.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 29th at Talladega and qualified for the next round of the Chase on the virtue of points.

    “While we were racing at Talladega,” Edwards said, “the United States Grand Prix was taking place in Austin, Texas. There’s was a joke making the rounds in the Talladega infield. It goes like this: What do you call a thousand snooty Formula 1 fans? A ‘grand pricks.’”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski blew an engine on lap 144 at Talladega and failed to advance to the next round of the Chase. He finished 38th, 48 laps off the pace.

    “The grill of the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford was covered in trash,” Keselowski said. “I’m not sure if it was a hot dog wrapper, a paper towel, a napkin, or a tissue. But with this being Talladega, I can only tell you for sure that it was ‘white trash.’”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Talladega but blew his engine on lap 41, ruining his chance of advancing in the Chase For The Cup. He finished dead last in 40th.

    “We had a storybook season,” Truex said. “We just need to work on the ‘ending.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Kansas, posting his eighth top five of the year. Johnson leads the Sprint Cup points standings and has already clinched his spot in Round 3 of the Chase.

    “I’m looking forward to Talladega,” Johnson said. “Who doesn’t enjoy a nice, relaxing Sunday drive? Well, besides everyone but Kevin Harvick and I?”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Carl Edwards over the final 30 laps at Kansas and went on to win the Hollywood Casino 400. Harvick advanced to Round 3 of the Chase For The Cup.

    “We’re standing behind the 8-ball,” Harvick said. “Then, as you would expect from the guy they call ‘The Closer,’ I won the race right on ‘cue.’”

    3. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Kansas as Joe Gibbs Racing swept the top three spots in qualifying. Kenseth led 116 laps and finished ninth.

    “That’s 10 poles for Joe Gibbs Racing this season,” Kenseth said. “We’ve yet to win a Chase race so far. So that just goes to show, you can lead a horse to water, and JGR can lead a field to green, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can lead a field to checkered.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch powered to a fifth-place finish in the Hollywood Casino 400, recording his 14th top five of the year.

    “I love casinos,” Busch said. “And I love gambling anywhere except Talladega, where it doesn’t matter how many chips you have because the chips are going to fall where they may anyway.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 11th at Kansas and is now sixth in the points standings.

    “After five straight top sevens ,” Truex said, “I’ve had two finishes outside the top 10. I don’t think there’s really an explanation for it. I often lay in bed at night and try to determine the reasons behind what happens. But I often find myself asleep soon after. In an algebraic sense, it’s a matter of ‘Truex + y=z.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch came home 13th in the Hollywood Casino 400 and is well-positioned at fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I had to go to a backup car after spinning through the grass in practice,” Busch said. “So we started at the back of the field. I commend my crew for getting the backup car ready. They worked with the precision, diligence, and steely nerves you’d expect from a dedicated crew or a government assassin.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards took second to Kevin Harvick in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “Harvick got past me on the final restart,” Edwards said. “I thought I had a clear stranglehold on the lead, but Harvick had the grip, and much like the time I wrapped my hands around his neck in 2008, I did the ‘choking.’”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Kansas and is now eighth in the points standings, tied with Austin Dillon.

    “Kevin Harvick always seems to thrive in these must-win situations,” Logano said. “I don’t know how he does it, but he always seems to find more speed. I’m ‘Sliced Bread;’ he must be ‘Yeast Bread,’ because he rises to the occasion.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got loose on lap 190 and slid up the track, where he was bumped by Denny Hamlin. Keselowski’s No. 2 Chevy slid through the infield grass, which heavily damaged the front of his car.

    “I believe we left a divot in the infield,” Keselowski said. “And keeping with the golf theme, I believe we’re out of mulligans.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin suffered several bad breaks at Kansas, including a broken splitter, a penalty in the pits for a loose tire, and a crash initiated by the loose car of Brad Keselowski. Hamlin still finished 15th and will likely need a win at Talladega to advance in the Chase.

    “We were tripped up,” Hamlin said, “by a string of bad luck.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson outdueled Matt Kenseth for the lead on a restart with 18 laps to go and went on to win the Bank Of America 500. Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was the class of the field at Charlotte, leading 155 laps.

    “I want so bad to win my seventh Cup championship,” Johnson said. “I can assure everyone, fan and drivers alike, that I’m going to put all of my ability and energy into trying to make that happen. That makes me the greatest ‘try-athlete’ in the world.”

    2. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth delivered a strong start to Round 2 of the Chase with a runner-up finish at Charlotte.

    “Hurricane Matthew wreaked havoc with the NASCAR schedule at Charlotte,” Kenseth said. “And it was certainly gusty during the race. I haven’t felt that much residual wind since I hung out in A.J. Allmendinger’s No. 47 Bush’s Beans hauler. In any case, ‘Hurricane Jimmie’ ‘blew’ right past me on the final restart.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh at Charlotte, posting his 21st top 10 of the season.

    “There was no controversy at Charlotte this time,” Keselowski said. “The only person that got ‘jumped’ at Charlotte was Martin Truex Jr. when he stalled his engine.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started seventh and finished 13th at Charlotte.

    “Our day could have been better,” Truex said, “but I stalled my engine during a late pit stop and lost track position. Well, so much for the proposed ‘Sitting Pretty’ line of recliners at Furniture Row.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Bank Of America 500, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth, who finished second, in the top 10.

    “Denny Hamlin’s blown engine on lap 309 was a nightmare for him,” Busch said, “but a dream come true for some drivers, like Kevin Harvick, who finished 38th. Could Harvick have had something to do with Hamlin’s engine failure? Who knows? All I know is this: if Harvick needs a wreck to advance and he’s on the track, you should look out for Harvick. Heck, and even if Harvick’s not on the track and he needs a miracle, someone’s ‘looking out’ for Harvick.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

    “We’re off to Kansas Motor Speedway for the next race in the Chase,” Busch said. “The pressure is on everyone to advance, and that pressure can play with your emotions. So, while we’ll be in the physical ‘state’ of Kansas, I have no idea what my mental ‘state’ will be.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Charlotte but experienced electrical issues that ended his day early. He finished 38th.

    “Frankly,” Harvick said, “I’m shocked that we had electrical issues. But I think it’s way too early to pull the plug on our championship hopes.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 12th at Charlotte on a day when several Chasers struggled.

    “A lot of drivers dug themselves holes,” Edwards said. “Such as Kevin Harvick, Joey Logano, and Denny Hamlin. There are by no means out of the running to advance to the next round, so I can only advise them to give it their all and continue to grind away. In other words, I hope those guys ‘keep digging.’”

    9. Joey Logano: Tire issues ruined Logano’s day at Charlotte after blown tires sent him into the wall on two occasions. He limped to a 36th-place finish.

    “We were doing so well in the Chase with three top-10 finishes,” Logano said. “Things were going right, but sometimes, things can go too right, like your steering wheel.”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin lost his engine on lap 309 while running second. Hamlin finished 30th, 26 laps down.

    “Something broke,” Hamlin said. “It was most likely my spirit.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex dominated at Dover, leading 187 laps on his way to the win in the Citizen Soldiers 400. Truex has two wins in three Chase races and has emerged as a clear Cup favorite.

    “I talked with New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi earlier in the week,” Truex said. “We could have talked forever, but due to both our busy schedules, we had to cut it short. You could say we made it to ‘third base.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished fourth, leading seven laps.

    “Sadly,” Keselowski said, “Tony Stewart has been eliminated from the Chase. Tony finished 13th, but he needed some other drivers to have bad results. Unfortunately, and Ryan Newman can vouch for this, Tony didn’t get the help he needed.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 37th at Dover, his worst finish of the season after a broken track bar suffered early in the race sent him to the garage for repairs.

    “Luckily,” Harvick said, “I won at New Hampshire, so my spot in the next round of the Chase was secure. So, I didn’t have to cause a wreck to make it to the next round. A lot of drivers said I did that on purpose. Maybe I did. But I’m here to say I’m a changed man. My only ‘intent’ now is to win the Sprint Cup championship.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Dover, posting his 20th top 10 of the year.

    “Next up is Charlotte Motor Speedway,” Logano said. “Traditionally, we’ve seen a lot of mechanical failures at CMS. Not with the cars, mind you, but when we race there, all hell ‘breaks’ loose.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Dover and advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I visited the White House on Wednesday,” Busch said. “I was honored as the 2015 Sprint Cup champion. You know, I have a lot in common with President Obama. We’re both brothers, and we both take care of business in our own respective ‘Oval Office.’”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started seventh and finished ninth in the Citizen Soldier 400.

    “Martin Truex’s second win of the Chase solidified the notion that Toyota engines are the class of the field,” Hamlin said. “Can Toyota pull off another win when the Chase hits Charlotte? Without a doubt. If that happens, it would an instance of ‘easy, three-sy, Japanese-y.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home fifth at Dover as all four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers advanced to the next round of the Chase.

    “Now we’re on to Charlotte,” Kenseth said. “Two years ago there, I attacked Brad Keselowski after we tangled during the race. That’s what happens when the tension of the Chase builds: drivers butt heads. In most cases, drivers are butt heads.”

    8. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished seventh at Dover on a day when he had a car good enough to win. But a drive-through penalty accessed when his jackman jumped the wall too early cost him.

    “I think we were well on our way to a victory,” Johnson said, “but then my jackman ‘jumped to a conclusion.’”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 15th at Dover, two laps down, and punched his ticket to the next round of the Chase.

    “The XFINITY Series race was called the ‘Drive Sober 200,’” Busch said. “I think it’s great that NASCAR is encouraging people to drive sober. But this is NASCAR. I don’t think you’ll ever see the ‘Bring Your Cooler To The Race But Drive Sober 200.’”

    10. (tie) Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 14th, one lap down, in the Citizens Soldier 400 at Dover.

    “That was not my best performance,” Edwards said. “Dover’s ‘Monster Mile’ rendered me a ‘Monster Mild,’ which is also how most drivers, who dislike me but don’t hate me, would describe me.”

    10. (tie) Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his ninth top-five finish of the year with a third at Dover and advanced to Round 2 of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I’m the only rookie left in the Chase,” Elliott said. “And I’m devoted to becoming the first rookie to win the Cup. My slogan from here on is ‘Chase For The Cup,’ assuming it’s not already copyrighted.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick passed Matt Kenseth with five laps left and took a pivotal win at New Hampshire, advancing to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “Our goal was to win the race,” Harvick said. “After a bad performance at Chicagoland, I knew we needed the victory to secure our spot in the next round. And I know exactly how to get in the right mindset to maximize performance. In addition to Brad Keselowski, I know how to ‘push’ myself, as well.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300 at Loudon. He is the leader in the Sprint Cup points standings by one over Martin Truex Jr.

    “The ‘Bad Boy Off Road 300,’” Keselowski said. “That’s ‘BBOR’ for short. So, for any fan who experienced that race, they just watched the ‘B-BOR-ed 300.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at New Hampshire, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “Kevin Harvick came on strong at the end,” Truex said. “I guess that’s why they call him the ‘Closer.’ Kevin may be a favorite to win the Sprint Cup, but he’s no one’s favorite. What he lacks in popularity, he makes up in talent. So that makes him the most talented driver in the world.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano came home 11th at New Hampshire and is now fifth in the points standings, 14 out of first.

    “Barring disaster,” Logano said, “I should advance to the Chase’s next round. So, barring a ‘Matt Kenseth meltdown,’ I should advance to Round 2.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at New Hampshire, posting his third consecutive top-10 result, and is now third in the points standings.

    “After the next Chase race at Dover,” Busch said, “the Chase field will be trimmed to 12. ‘4’ is the number of drivers that will be eliminated. I’d like my chances more if the No. 4 car was eliminated.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 15th at New Hampshire, the lowest finisher among all Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

    “JGR has four cars in the Chase,” Hamlin said, “but we’ve yet to win a Chase race. I’m going to change that. I’ve made it my mission to win at Dover. So, you can say I’m in the ‘mission-ary’ position.”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth dominated the second half of the Bad Boy Off Raod 300, but faltered on a restart with five laps to go, allowing Kevin Harvick to slip by and take the win.

    “That certainly was not my best restart,” Kenseth said. “Harvick laid back and got the jump. And, as Carl Edwards will tell you when somebody jumps, I flinch.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300, posting his seventh top five of the year. He is 11th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 20 out of first.

    “My ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll was accused of stealing from her charity,” Busch said. “It must take a lot of nerve, to be a government assassin and steal from your own charity.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Loudon and led 31 laps on his way to a sixth in the Bad Boy Off Road 300. He is ninth in the points standings, 19 out of first.

    “That was my sixth pole of the season,” Edwards said. “So, much like former Cup champion Alan Kulwicki, I’ve taken a handful of ‘pole-ish’ victory laps.”

    10. (tie): Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth at New Hampshire and now sits eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 17 out of first.

    “I failed the post-race laser inspection at Chicagoland,” Johnson said. “I miss the good old days of NASCAR when I was winning championships and inspections were simply done with a fine-toothed comb.”

    10. (tie): Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 13th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 19 out of first.

    “I’m in position to advance to the next round,” Elliott said. “I’m happy with my performance so far. I think I speak for myself, as well as any fan who meets me, when I say I’m happy with my ‘Chase experience.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stormed back from a flat tire that left him a lap down to win the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland. The win automatically qualified him for Round 2 of The Chase For The Cup.

    “For the second consecutive race,” Truex said, “something became unraveled. This time, it wasn’t Tony Stewart.

    “On a sad note, my car failed the post-race laser inspection. And I have to question to accuracy of NASCAR’s lasers. And when I say ‘lasers,’ I’m sarcastically using air quotes à la Austin Powers Dr. Evil.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Chicagoland and is now second in the points standings, one behind Martin Truex, Jr.

    “Does a race sponsored by a television show called ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ really target the demographic NASCAR fans offer?” Keselowski said. “Maybe it does. NASCAR fans are not teenagers, or ninjas, or turtles, but they can often be classified as mutants.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took sixth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 at Chicagoland, recording his 16th top-10 finish of the year.

    “You read right,” Hamlin said. “This race was named after a turtle movie. But who’s surprised? This sport is all about sponsorship, so, in short, NASCAR was a shill for ‘shell.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Chicagoland, joining his Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski, who finished fifth, in the top five.

    “I had a strong finish,” Logano said, “but more importantly, I didn’t run afoul of Matt Kenseth. But even more importantly, I didn’t run afowl of Ryan Newman. ‘Running a fowl’ of Newman means he calls you a ‘chicken.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished a disappointing 20th at Chicagoland after falling a lap down early when an untimely caution came as he was preparing to pit under green.

    “I’m not sure there even needed to be a caution,” Harvick said. “There was a loose tire that came to rest in the infield. That tire was harmless, and a threat to no one, but it cost me. Just call it ‘burned rubber.’”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Chicagoland after rain washed out qualifying and finished ninth.

    “That’s a solid start to the Chase,” Busch said. “I have a title to defend, and that title is ‘2015 Sprint Cup Champion.’ My older brother Kurt has a title he reluctantly defends, and that title is ‘douchebag.’”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, posting his 17th top 10 of the year.

    “The Tony Stewart-Ryan Newman feud is not over,” Busch said. “Newman still appears to be pissed. You know, Newman has a B.S. degree in engineering from Purdue University. And if Stewart, likewise, had a B.S. degree, Newman would be fine with it, because Ryan doesn’t take no ‘B.S.’ from anyone.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th at Chicagoland, the only Joe Gibbs Racing driver who failed to finish inside the top 10.

    “We just didn’t have it,” Edwards said. “I was on the outside looking in. What was I looking for? Answers, of course.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in his first career Chase For The Cup race.

    “I was on my way to the likely win until Michael McDowell blew a tire,” Elliott said. “That brought out the final caution, and that cost me the win. That just goes to show the fine line between winning and losing, and that is the moral of the story. In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400, I lost by a ‘hare.’”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Chicagoland, his chances at a win ruined by a late pit road speeding penalty.

    “I’m pretty sure I wasn’t speeding,” Johnson said. “I know because I haven’t gone ‘too fast’ since I won my last Sprint Cup championship in 2012.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. is not in the Chase For The Cup. But that doesn’t mean he’s not relevant. Also relevant is his crew chief, because ‘Greg Ives Matters.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six behind first place.

    “We were much better in the pits,” Harvick said. “Fortunately, our lug nuts were the only thing that was ‘screwed’ in the pits at Richmond.

    “Now, it would be negligent of me if I didn’t address the Ryan Newman-Tony Stewart issue. I’m employed by Tony, so you can guess where I stand. I guess what I’m saying is that lawyers aren’t the only people who defend Tony.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth in the Federated Auto Parts 400, posting his 12th top 10 of the year.

    “The action didn’t really start until Tony Stewart wrecked Ryan Newman, Keselowski said. “Newman then had some choice words for Stewart. If implied accusations of a 2014 incident are the measuring stick for Newman’s vitriol, then he absolutely murdered it, or at least manslaughtered it.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Richmond and dominated the closing laps to win the Federated Auto Parts400. It was his third win of the season.

    “I had to survive one final restart after a caution with three laps to go,” Hamlin said. “That was the last of 16 cautions on the night. After the race, I approached the flag stand and asked for the yellow flag and not the checkered flag.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch started ninth and finished ninth at Richmond. With four wins this year, Busch will start the Chase atop the standings alongside Brad Keselowski.

    “I wouldn’t be surprised if Brad or myself fall out of first after one race,” Busch said, “because neither of us can stand to be in the same place for very long.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup with 2006 points, six out of the lead.

    “The No. 78 Toyota failed the post-race laser inspection,” Truex said. “You never want to fail an inspection right before the Chase For The Cup begins, because you’re likely to get ‘pointed’ in the wrong direction.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Richmond, logging his 18th top 10 of the year.

    “The Chase field is wide open,” Logano said. “You have household names, and you have some drivers who are not very well known. Let’s face it, when the Chase ends, you could hear the words ‘Chris Buescher’ and ‘2016 Sprint Cup champion,’ but probably not in the same sentence.”

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch led two laps and took eighth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond.

    “There were a whopping 16 caution flags during Saturday’s race,” Busch said. “That’s just about how many red flags go up when I’m on a date.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Richmond, finishing 32nd, 41 laps off the pace.

    “How about the Virginia Tech-Tennessee football game at Bristol Motor Speedway,” Edwards said, “There were over 156,000 people in attendance. Tire wear must have been an issue at Bristol because it was a blowout.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson recorded his third consecutive top-5 finish with a second at Richmond.

    “Tony Stewart has intentionally wrecked two drivers in two consecutive weeks,” Larson said. “First, it was Brian Scott. Then, it was Ryan Newman. But, at least he just wrecked them.”

    10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Richmond, rebounding from a 33rd the previous week at Darlington.

    “I’m looking for No. 7,” Johnson said. “Based on my mediocre performance this season, most people say the only ‘No. 7’ I could find is Regan Smith.”

  • Hot 20 – As Newman’s job just got tougher, could we give Ken Squier his old job back?

    Hot 20 – As Newman’s job just got tougher, could we give Ken Squier his old job back?

    A funny thing happened on the way to Richmond. Ryan Newman finished eighth at Darlington, got to within seven points of Jamie McMurray in the battle for the final Chase place, and then it hit the fan. Actually, it was not very amusing at all as his car failed post-race inspection, and that came with a 15 point penalty. Newman has to make up a 22 point deficit on McMurray, hope nobody below him in the standings wins this weekend, or just win the thing himself to make it. With a contract coming due and the owner’s other grandson ready to move up, this is the time for the Rocket to light the fuse.

    Kyle Larson‘s third place finish at Darlington was nice, but he also got tagged 15 points for failing the post-race checkup. However, he loses not a step in the standings and his win leaves him somewhat immune. As for the cash donations, Newman’s crew chief Luke Lambert was fined $25,000, while Chad Johnston, Larson’s bench boss, was fined $22,500. Would it not be lovely if you could fine your mechanic’s ass if he failed to fix your car the first time? Your doctor? How about politicians? We may be on to something here.

    There is one other scenario we have not mentioned. If Chris Buescher has a bad day and falls out of the Top 30, it is “hello Newman,” welcome to the Chase.

    Eleven races to go, and with Dale Earnhardt Jr. on the shelf until the Daytona 500, 23-year-old Alex Bowman will have a dream ride for eight of the remaining contests this season. It will be a good test for the driver who spent the past two seasons behind the wheel for BK Racing and Tommy Baldwin. Neither outfit has yet to win a race, boast just two Top Fives and six Top Tens in a combined 781 attempts. Bowman will end the season driving the good stuff. Jeff Gordon, meanwhile, finally retires again, after he completes Richmond, Dover, and Martinsville. Sixteen of his 93 career victories came at those venues, including nine coming at the paper-clip.

    What driver has the most identifiable car in NASCAR, even to the non-fan? Paul Menard. His name is all over it.

    Danny Gallivan, Vin Scully, Ken Squier. If you want to become a legendary hockey, baseball, or racing announcer, they are the prototypes to build upon After just a couple of minutes to get into the swing of things at Darlington, the 81-year-old Squier allowed us to once again hear how it should be done. These gentlemen were poets who were able to describe, inform, entertain, and allow us to witness the action simply through the sound of their voice. To actually see it on television was a bonus, almost an unnecessary one. Squier ended his term providing the lap-by-lap commentary in 1997, though we have been blessed by special appearances, as we were last Sunday. Gallivan retired in 1984 after 32 years calling the action for the Montreal Canadiens, passing away in 1993. The 88-year old Scully is presently bringing his 67-year career behind the Dodger microphone to a close. They remain incomparable and irreplaceable.

    Richmond has been part of the NASCAR scene since 1950, and Saturday the race will feature eight present and former Cup champions. Twenty-six of those 40 drivers have combined for 530 Cup victories, and while 12 have locked in their invite to the Chase, another 20 entered have a mathematical shot at one of the four remaining positions.

    That includes all of our Hot 20 heading into Richmond.

    1. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 4 WINS (797 Pts)
    Loose wheel, loose wheel, he thought he had Harvick’s crew pitting him for real.

    2. KYLE BUSCH – 4 WINS (727 Pts)
    Six drivers under the age of 25 have driven for him in the truck series this season.

    3. KEVIN HARVICK – 2 WINS (840 Pts)
    Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and let them try to pit my car.

    4. CARL EDWARDS – 2 WINS (746 Pts)
    First last lap pass for the win at Richmond in the spring, why not the fall?

    5. DENNY HAMLIN – 2 WINS (729 Pts)
    If he ran NASCAR, would shorten the season and the World 600. Good thing he doesn’t.

    6. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 2 WINS (696 Pts)
    Interested in just winning the Memorial and Labor Day weekend classics this season.

    7. MATT KENSETH – 2 WINS (669 Pts)
    Without Matt, Jim might have never worked at Dunder Mifflin or met Pam or Michael Scott.

    8. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS (656 Pts)
    Jimmie won twice, had Top 10s in five of the seven events to open the season. It’s been a while.

    9. JOEY LOGANO – 1 WIN (752 Pts)
    With Junior out, does this give Joey a shot at being NASCAR’s Most Popular Driver?

    10. KURT BUSCH – 1 WIN (728 Pts)
    Felt kind of flat at Darlington. Menard’s flat, to be specific.

    11. KYLE LARSON – 1 WIN (606 Pts)
    Finally, he has two Top Fives in a row.

    12. TONY STEWART – 1 WIN (426 Pts)
    What happened to Brian Scott at Darlington? Why, he wrecked, of course.

    13. CHRIS BUESCHER – 1 WIN (358 Pts)
    Staying within 10 of Ragan next week would be good, keeping him in the rearview, even better.

    14. CHASE ELLIOTT – 659 POINTS
    Finish 17th or better and he is off to the ball.

    15. AUSTIN DILLON – 651 POINTS
    Menard has a sponsor, Dillon has a grandfather, and Newman needs the Chase.

    16. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 642 POINTS
    Could have been 30 points up if not for that late Darlington penalty.

    17. RYAN NEWMAN – 620 POINTS
    Penalty cripples his Chase bid, while the other Dillon has designs on his ride.

    18. KASEY KAHNE – 598 POINTS
    At least Junior has an excuse for not making the Chase.

    19. RYAN BLANEY – 573 POINTS
    No gloves, no problem, but less money in your pocket.

    20. A.J. ALLMENDINGER – 562 POINTS
    Mr. Tickles? Maybe it was girlfriend Tara who named the cat.