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Hot 20 – Looking ahead to the World 600 while remembering those who have fallen

Let me be clear. Any race format that artificially moves entries from behind to plop them up front is a dumb one. I do not care if it is NASCAR’s All-Star Race or one that allows me to charge ahead of the Kentucky Derby field while wearing sneakers and a propeller hat. Dumb is as dumb does.

Thankfully, we move from a waste of a perfectly good Saturday night to one of NASCAR’s marquee events, the Coca-Cola World 600. In fact, it marks the biggest day in motorsports, as our digital recording devices pick up the Formula-1 action from the French Riviera and the streets of Monaco at 8 a.m. EDT. Then our focus shifts to Indiana and the 100th edition of the Indianapolis 500 at 10:20 a.m. EDT, where former NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya hopes to repeat. After they drink the milk there, it is off to Charlotte, North Carolina for our 4 p.m. EDT NASCAR date that sees Carl Edwards looking to defend.

Four-time winner Jimmie Johnson goes in seeking to claim the victory that would tie him with Darrell Waltrip for the most World 600 victories. Kasey Kahne is currently in a six-way tie for third best, with three checkered flags to his credit. He is in good company, with the other five being Buddy Baker, David Pearson, Bobby Allison, Dale Earnhardt, and Jeff Gordon. That is damn fine company to be in. An all-time All-Star lineup to be sure.

Every sport has struggled to find the proper All-Star format. Even when you find one, tastes change over time sending organizers back to the drawing board. Baseball is close, and hockey took a major step forward last season. Football is still searching while I appreciate basketball about as much as I do soccer, so I cannot comment.

As for NASCAR, they should begin by not having Brad Keselowski come up with the format, as he did this year. If you need gimmicks in an attempt to make it interesting, it is not interesting. A suggestion to tinker with would be to let racing decide who should be there. The only drivers locked in should be those who won races over the previous 15 months. What you did in years past should not matter but rather what you have done lately. That would have tossed Tony Stewart, Jamie McMurray, Ryan Newman, and Kahne back into the mix. Only 11 would have been locked in, with the other nine to be determined on that day.

If they ran three heats, as they did this year, then we could have the top three in each heat advancing to fill out the field for the feature. In order to reduce wear and tear so that those advancing might actually be able to challenge when they get there, I suggest heats of 30, 20, and 10 laps. The opening heat should be calm enough, the second a little hotter, and the dash for the final three positions would be chaotic enough without having them run too many laps. It would be nice to have 20 cars in the feature that might actually be in condition to compete. However, there are no guarantees in this life.

As for the feature itself, 100 laps, 150 miles, for a million dollars, with the rules just like any other contest. That is my proposal, but what are your thoughts?

As for this Sunday, here are NASCAR’s Hot 20 and some of our honored heroes heading into the Memorial Day weekend 600 Miles of Remembrance.

1. KYLE BUSCH – 3 WINS – 397 PTS
Pfc. Robert Stephan Underwood, U.S. Army (1949-1968) Missouri

2. CARL EDWARDS – 2 WINS – 381 PTS
Capt. Edmond Jablonsky Jr., U.S. Army (1942-1968) Texas

3. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS – 370 PTS
Sgt. 1st Class Kyle B. Wehrly, U.S. Army (1977-2005) Illinois

4. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 2 WINS – 368 PTS
Spc. Joseph T. Prentler, U.S. Army (1990-2010) Michigan

5. KEVIN HARVICK – 1 WIN – 418 PTS
Lance Cpl. Nathan Ross Elrod, U.S. Marine Corps (1986-2006) North Carolina

6. MATT KENSETH – 1 WIN – 313 PTS
Pfc. Christopher Neal White, U.S. Marine Corps (1983-2006) Kentucky

7. DENNY HAMLIN – 1 WIN – 308 PTS
Sgt. John Davis Harvey, U.S. Marine Corps (1958-1980) Virginia

8. KURT BUSCH – 386 PTS
Sgt. Nicholas Ray Gibbs, U.S. Army (1981-2006) North Carolina

9. CHASE ELLIOTT – 341 PTS
Gunnery Sgt. Justin Martone, U.S. Marine Corps (1974-2006) Virginia

10. JOEY LOGANO – 340 PTS
Spc. Cindy Beaudoin, U.S. Army (1971-1991) Connecticut

11. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 336 PTS
Gunnery Sgt. Jeffery E. Bohr Jr., U.S. Marine Corps (1964-2003) Iowa

12. AUSTIN DILLON – 315 PTS
SO Chief Petty Officer Mark “Badger” Carter (SEAL), U.S. Navy (1980-2007) California

13. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – 314 PTS
Lance Cpl. Aaron Howard Reed, U.S. Marine Corps (1963-2008) Ohio

14. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 296 PTS
Lance Cpl. Scott Albert Lynch, U.S. Marine Corps (1988-2010) New York

15. RYAN BLANEY – 288 PTS
Signalman Seaman Cherone L. Gunn, U.S. Navy (1978-2000) Virginia

16. A.J. ALLMENDINGER – 283 PTS
Yeoman 3rd Class Wendell Williams, U.S. Navy (1965-1991) Ohio

17. RYAN NEWMAN – 278 PTS
Staff Sgt. Jason C. Ramseyer, U.S. Marine Corps (1977-2006) Florida

18. TREVOR BAYNE – 275 PTS
Chief Warrant Officer 4 Jason William McCormack, U.S. Army (1972-2015) Alabama

19. RICKY STENHOUSE JR. – 273 PTS
SP 4 James H. Woolard, U.S. Army (1949-1969) Ohio

20. KASEY KAHNE – 271 PTS
Lance Cpl. Eric Levi Ward, U.S. Marine Corps (1990-2010) Washington

May 25, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch was one of many cars damaged on a lap 352 restart when Jimmie Johnson’s car got locked in second gear, causing a major incident that took out a number of contenders.

“There was a time,” Busch said, “that when you mentioned ’18-car crash,’ people thought you were talking about just me.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 117 laps at Dover but was a victim of a huge pileup with 47 laps to go triggered by Jimmie Johnson’s slow car. Harvick finished 15th, one lap down.

“Once again,” Harvick said, “I had the strongest car in the field but didn’t win the race. Carl Edwards would call that ‘choking.’”

3. Kurt Busch: Busch finished fifth at Dover, one of only fourteen cars on the lead lap at race’s end. He is third in the points standings, 32 out of first.

“There are rumors that my Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick has an offer to join Hendrick Motorsports,” Busch said. “He would presumably replace Kasey Kahne, who’s under contract through the 2018 season. That means Kahne’s contract would have to be bought out in order for Harvick to join HMS. So, once again, I’m reporting that an acquaintance of mine is a ‘contract killer.’”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 27 laps at Dover before late contact with Kyle Larson’s No. 42 car sent Edwards’ No. 19 Toyota into the wall. Edwards finished 28th, 41 laps off the pace.

“I think most drivers were impressed by the way Larson raced Matt Kenseth in the closing laps,” Edwards said. “But there’s no way anyone was more impressed by Larson’s patience than Kenseth.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 49 laps and survived contact with Austin Dillon’s No. 3 car to post a sixth in the AAA 400, his seventh top-10 result of the year.

“I advocated making some slight adjustments to the Chase format,” Keselowski said. “NASCAR officials didn’t want to hear it, though. I guess they had enough talk of ‘tweaking’ when Jeremy Mayfield was driving.”

6. Jimmie Johnson: On a restart with 47 laps to go, Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet locked gears, leading to a chain reaction crash behind him that affected 18 cars. Johnson limped home with a 25th at Dover.

“I’m not sure what went wrong,” Johnson said. “All I know is instead of ‘Six-time,’ guys in the garage were calling me ‘Fix-time.’”

7. Joey Logano: Like many, Logano’s No. 22 Penske Ford was caught in the restart accident with 47 laps to go, resulting in a 22nd-place finish.

“As was the case last fall at Martinsville,” Logano said, “I got wrecked and Matt Kenseth came out the winner.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Dover, scoring his third consecutive top 10 and again leading the charge for Hendrick Motorsports. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 77 out of first.

“I’m not surprised at all I’m doing so well,” Elliott said. “I would say, ‘It’s no accident,’ but that may be considered a poor choice of words considering what happened to the rest of the HMS crew.”

9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s misfortune continued at Dover, as his No. 78 Furniture Row Toyota was damaged in the big wreck with 47 laps to go. Despite the damage, Truex scrambled to salvage a ninth-place finish and is now ninth in the points standings, 82 out of first.

“This team is cursed,” Truex said. “This team is also cursing, because we are sick and tired of our bad luck. It’s too bad NASCAR outlawed cigarette manufacturers from sponsorships because we would definitely want Lucky Strike on our car.”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth won the AAA 400 at Dover, avoiding a huge crash that wiped out much of the field and holding off Kyle Larson for the win.

“I knew Larson was coming for me,” Kenseth said. “You could say ‘I had a Target on my back.’

“But I admire Kyle’s integrity in racing me clean for the win. Just ask Kyle Busch—there’s a fine line between racing a JGR driver like a gentlemen and racing a JGR driver like a teammate.”

May 17, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the GoBowling,com 400 at Kansas. Busch is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, four behind Harvick.

“Harvick got right on my bumper,” Busch said, “and I thought for sure he’d bump me to get by. But he didn’t. Of course, everybody, Landon Cassill included, knows that Harvick is a man of great integrity. He would never wreck someone just so he could win a race. He would, however, wreck someone just so he could advance to the next round of the Chase.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was strong late at Kansas and nearly overtook Kyle Busch for the lead, but ultimately settled for second.

“I hit a piece of debris and damaged the splitter,” Harvick said. “Otherwise, I would have passed Busch easily. So, you could say that ‘piece of trash’ won.”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards tagged the wall early in the GoBowling.com 400, causing a flat tire that ultimately cost him two laps. But the No. 19 Stanley Tools team recovered to finish 11th. Edwards is third in the points standings, 23 out of first.

“I indeed hit the wall,” Edwards said, “but the damage was not severe. That’s a testament to the great engineering that goes into making these walls safe. So, while I can’t expect Kyle Busch to be, I can certainly expect walls to be ‘forgiving.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took 10th at Kansas, surviving a spin with 26 laps to go to post his sixth top 10 finish of the year.

“I got loose racing with Denny Hamlin,” Keselowski said. “Interestingly enough, there was no contact between us. That’s certainly not the first time Hamlin and I have looked at each other ‘sideways.’”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 17th at Kansas, his day sidetracked by a late pit road speeding penalty that cost him crucial track position.

“Track position was everything at Kansas,” Johnson said. “If you didn’t already know, ‘track position’ is NASCAR code for ‘it’s impossible to pass.’ That’s why you saw so many pit road speeding penalties. That’s where the action is. And that’s why, when you ask a driver about racing at Kansas, they always say, ‘It’s the pits.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished third in the GoBowling.com 400, recording his third top-five result of the year.

“Kansas Motor Speedway had a special booth set up where fans could buy a bowling ball and have finger holes drilled to their exact specifications,” Busch said. “They also had televisions broadcasting the race so fans wouldn’t miss a single minute. So, if you asked anyone what was going on in that booth or the race track, they’d tell you the same thing: ‘It’s boring.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano slammed into Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota after Hamlin and Brad Keselowski got loose in a lap 221 incident. The wreck sent the No. 22 Penske Ford to the garage and Logano finished 38th.

“Matt Kenseth and I spoke before the Kansas race,” Logano said, “and came to some sort of mutual understanding about our past issues. But it’s a tenuous peace treaty. We weren’t quite ready to shake hands, so instead, we just shook fists.”

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 15th at Kansas on a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports, which placed only one car in the top 10.

“My stepmother Teresa and my brother Kerry are locked in a court dispute over the use of the ‘Earnhardt’ name,” Earnhardt said. “I’m surprised Teresa didn’t have a problem with a race sponsored by bowling because she thinks the use of ‘3’ fingers is an infringement upon the name.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott recorded the best finish among Hendrick Motorsports drivers with a ninth in the GoBowling,com 400.

“I may not have the Cup titles of Jimmie Johnson,” Elliott said, “or the popularity of Dale Earnhardt Jr., or the wasted potential of Kasey Kahne. What I do have is a legendary pedigree and an iconic car number. So, unlike some other young drivers looking to make an impact in this sport, I don’t have to worry about making a name or a number for myself.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished sixth at Kansas, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.

“My No. 3 RCR Chevy was fast,” Dillon said. “My teammate Ryan Newman finished seventh. That means RCR put two cars in the top 10. Could we ever put three cars in the ‘top 10?’ Only if Paul Menard drops 20 digits from his car number.”

May 10, 2016
The Final Word – Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas any more

Funny things happen in Kansas. One day things might seem normal, but then a twister comes, your house takes off, the neighbor lady goes from riding a bicycle to flying on a broomstick, your abode lands on a witch, and then you get a hung lug nut.

One of those was the reason Martin Truex Jr., dominant throughout the evening, found himself down a couple of laps. Sometimes a removed lug nut bounces up where it does not belong and ruins your day. Those flying monkeys did bad things on his parade, though Truex managed to get back on the lead lap before it was over, with 14th his fate.

Sometimes, you get a nice pair of ruby red slippers, and Kyle Busch took the fancy foot gear to the finish line, outdistancing Kevin Harvick, brother Kurt, and Matt Kenseth. All were among the supporting cast but got bumped up to main roles at the end. It marked the third win of the season for Rowdy, the 37th of his career, and now he boasts nine Top Fives in 11 contests. Somebody seems intent on working his way to the Emerald City for a second straight year, and now that Kansas and Martinsville have been removed to his to-do list, that only leaves Charlotte and Pocono for him to record his first win at.

The Haunted Forest is real, my friends. Just ask Jamie McMurray, who thought things were going well until his car was attacked by a big jack man, who hip checked the auto into flaring out its skirt. NASCAR does not like that. Just like that, McMurray was a couple of laps down and stayed down to finish 26th. Tires went flat and, ding-dong, their hopes were dead. Carl Edwards (11th) managed to struggle back, but Trevor Bayne was left outside the Top 20.

Denny Hamlin had a couple of speeding penalties but was rushing back into contention when he went between Brad Keselowski and Kyle Larson late in the game. The hopes of most melted quicker than a sorceress at a water park. Keselowski spun on his own, though he recovered to finish 10th. Hamlin did the same time, without any contact, until he contacted Larson against the wall while Joey Logano nailed Denny coming through the smoke. Brad, and Denny, and Kyle, oh my. The trio finished 35th and worse. However, a trio of munchkins did well, with Top Ten finishes recorded by Ryan Blaney, Austin Dillon, and Chase Elliott.

The Yellow Brick Road continues next to Dover for a Sunday matinee, the place where champions go to win. The past 14 winners all have a NASCAR championship to their credit. Those eight drivers are Jimmie Johnson (7 times), Harvick, Kenseth, Keselowski, both Busch boys, Jeff Gordon, and Tony Stewart. Stewart won there just three years ago, and after a 12th place finish on Saturday night, maybe there is a glimmer of hope. One win and a gain of 59 points against the 30th ranked Regan Smith, between now and the conclusion of Richmond, would do the trick.

Now, wouldn’t that be enough to make a guy click his heels in celebration if he only had the heart, the brain, and the courage to do so, along with a little luck?

May 9, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in a wild and crash-filled Geico 500 at Talladega as Brad Keselowski captured the win. Busch is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, nine behind Kevin Harvick.

“I finished second,” Busch said, “and Carl Edwards finished 35th. Just like last week, I see Edwards behind me.

“Everybody knows I owe Carl Edwards. Carl knows, too. I told Carl I’d give him fair warning, though. That’ll come in the form of Jamie McMurray. When Carl sees McMurray, he’ll know he’s got ‘1’ coming.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s strong day at Talladega ended on a sour note when he was sucked into a last-lap pileup. He finished 15th.

“Danger is always a factor at Talladega,” Harvick said. “Nothing speaks to that better than the fact that Busch beer was on the No. 4 Chevrolet for the race. Whether you’re headed to the mountains of Busch or the air of Talladega, you’re likely to get wasted.

“Tony Stewart started the race. Ty Dillon took over after the first caution. That was at the orders of Tony’s doctors. So, it was good news for Tony’s back, and his stomach.

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards suffered damage in a lap 96 incident, then blew a tire on lap 111 and slammed Jimmie Johnson. The wreck ended Edwards day, and he finished 35th in the Geico 500 at Talladega.

“I still haven’t spoken to Kyle Busch about bumping him out of the lead at Richmond,” Edwards said. “I expect I will at some point. When I do want Kyle’s attention, I’ll just tap him on the shoulder.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led a race-high 46 laps and won the Geico 500.

“There are two types of people that love racing at Talladega,” Keselowski said. “Fans, and the race winner.

“But seriously, Brian France claims to have safety in mind for the drivers, but what’s more likely to be hurt are his feelings, not a driver. If you can’t take criticism from Tony Stewart, you’re not fit to be in this sport, because everyone’s been criticized by Tony.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s day ended early after a lap 160 incident with Kurt Busch that sent Johnson into the wall. Johnson finished 22nd, six laps down.

“Busch just ran right through me,” Johnson said. “Kurt’s been known to charge with full ferocity. But it’s one thing to pin your ears back surgically, which Kurt had done in 2006, and pin your ears back figuratively, which he did at Talladega.”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt started third at Talladega and struggled from the start, spinning on lap 50 before being taken out by Carl Edwards after the No. 19 car blew a tire. Earnhardt finished 40th.

“My steering wheel came off at one point during the race,” Earnhardt said. “Here’s the interesting thing: that’s the best my car drove all day.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch ran up front for much of the day at Talladega and delivered an eighth-place finish in the Geico 500.

“To succeed at Talladega,” Busch said, “you have to find the right balance of patience and aggression. The problem with fellow drivers have with me is they lose their patience altogether.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 25th at Daytona, with a strong run negated by a last-lap pileup that victimized the No. 22 and several other cars. Logano is fifth in the points standings, 35 out of first.

“Cars were going airborne right and left,” Logano said. “As a driver, you hate to see that. It sends a chill up your spine and makes your testicles retract way up into your abdomen. That’s a real ‘aero package.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott won the pole at Talladega, thirty years after his father Bill did and came through with a fifth in the Geico 500.

“’Like father, like son,’ as they say,” said Elliott. “I guess it runs in the family. I could say, ‘I have speed coursing through my veins,’ but I’d rather not be mistaken for Jeremy Mayfield.”

10. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished third at Talladega, earning his third top-five of the year.

“There was a lot of duct tape used at Talladega on Sunday,” Dillon said. “That’s not unusual. This is Alabama. Duct tape is a part of life. Heck, it’s part of the state flag.”

May 3, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 78 laps at Richmond, including 35 of the last 36, but couldn’t close the deal on the win as Carl Edwards bumped him out of the lead on the final lap. Busch’s runner-up finish was his seventh top five of the year and he is now fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m very emotional after losing,” Busch said. “You could say I was ‘moved’ by Edwards.

“I want to talk about Edwards about as much as I do about hitting a fan at Bristol. Really, I don’t want to talk about that fan I hit. That’s what happens when the ‘shhhh’ hits the fan.”

2. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 151 of 400 laps at Richmond and stalked Kyle Busch for several laps before bumping him out of the way on the final circuit. Edwards took his second consecutive win while Busch was prevented from capturing his third victory of the year.

“I know Kyle is one of my Joe Gibbs Racing teammates,” Edwards said, “but a win is a win. Thus, you saw my celebratory back flip preceded by the predatory backstab.”

“I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing had he been in my shoes. And I mean that as a compliment to Kyle. And I’m sure he’ll return the favor.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Richmond after qualifying was rained out and finished fifth for his fourth top five of the year.

“It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in racing,” Harvick said. “And I think it’s ludicrous that NASCAR chose to fine him. If you’re going to mention ’35,000’ and ‘Tony Stewart,’ it should only be in a discussion of his weekly calorie intake.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Richmond, posting his fifth top-five result of the year.

“It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in a race car,” Johnson said, “and I applaud his critical comments of NASCAR safety. Tony speaks for a lot of us because he’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind. It takes bravery to say the things Tony does. Let’s just say where balls are concerned, Tony has a huge pair. With that comes great responsibility, and I surely wouldn’t want to lug those nuts around.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt saw a potential top-10 finish fall by the wayside after a late restart shuffled him back in the field. He finished 13th and is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Can you imagine the turmoil had Jimmie Johnson bumped me out of a sure win?” Earnhardt said. “The fans of Junior Nation would have rioted. They certainly would have tossed their beer cans onto the track. Only the empties, of course.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 55 laps and finished 10th in the Toyota Owners 400, scoring his sixth top 10 of the year.

“My brother Kyle was very disappointed in losing that race,” Busch said, “and so was his wife Samantha. So much so that she uttered the ‘S’ word on national television. But Kyle wants everyone to rest assured that she’s not the only one on the ‘S’ list.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano fell a lap down early at Richmond but rebounded and came home with a ninth-place finish.

“I made contact with Tony Stewart early in the race,” Logano said, “and it resulted in a flat tire for Tony. I’m sure he wasn’t happy about that. He probably uttered some profanities directed at me. Samantha Busch used the ‘S’ word; Tony used the ‘little S’ word.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started fifth and finished sixth at Richmond as Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch finished 1-2.

“NASCAR fined Tony Stewart $35,000 for his comments regarding lug nuts,” Hamlin said. “I disagree with this. Tony should be able to speak his mind freely without the threat of retribution. So, he should be given the same privilege he refuses to give anyone else.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond while Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano finished eighth.

“I don’t blame Carl Edwards for bumping Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “If the tables were turned, I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing. And speaking of ‘turned tables,’ I’m sure Kyle will flip a few in the next JGR drivers meeting. Heck, Kyle didn’t think twice about hitting a random fan. After what happened at Richmond, I doubt he’ll think at all before bumping Edwards.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Richmond, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He is 10th in the points standings, 85 out of first.

“I can’t imagine being bumped out of the lead by a teammate,” Truex said. “That’s because I don’t have a teammate.”

April 27, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Bristol, posting his seventh top-10 result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by a single point over second-place Carl Edwards.

“The No. 4 Hunt Brothers Pizza Chevrolet was pretty strong at Bristol,” Harvick said. “Jimmy Johns slogan is ‘Freaky Fast.’ Hunt Brothers Pizza’s logo is ‘You’ll Need A Bathroom—Freaky Fast.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his third consecutive win, experienced a tough day at Bristol. His day ended on lap 256 when he blew a right-front tire and slammed the wall. He finished 38th.

“I had an early spin,” Busch said, “then suffered a speeding penalty. And I blew two tires. Right-front tires on Joe Gibbs Racing cars were like seats at Bristol Motor Speedway—they were most likely empty.

“While driving to the garage, my car made contact with a fan. I seem to be making a habit of running into fans off the track. That 38th-place finish was only my second out of the top 5 this season. So, relatively speaking, my day was ‘pedestrian.’”

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Bristol and led 276 of 500 laps, capturing the Food City 500 in dominating fashion.

“Of course,” Edwards said, “I performed my celebratory backflip after the race. Unlike Kyle Busch, the only thing I nailed was the landing.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a late loose wheel issue and finished a disappointing 23rd in the Food City 500.

“That loose wheel ruined a potential top 5,” Johnson said. “That’s called getting ‘screwed unscrewed.’”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After a slow start, Earnhardt recovered to score the runner-up spot in the Food City 500. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 37 out of first.

“I accidentally hit the kill engine switch when the green flag dropped,” Earnhardt said. “Those kill switches are necessary in this sport. Now, they’d be of more use if they could be applied to pre-race prayers.

“I was lucky enough to meet Peyton Manning. He gave me a Broncos jersey; I gave him a HANS device.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 41 laps and finished third in an entertaining Food City 500 at Bristol.

“My brother Kyle made contact with a fan as he drove his damaged car to the garage midway through the race,” Busch said. “I guess the fan didn’t see Kyle coming. Some say our cars should be outfitted with horns. Others say they shouldn’t because there’s already too many ‘honk-ies’ in this sport already.”

7. Joey Logano: Logano posted a 10th-place finish at Bristol, recording his fifth top 10 of the year.

“How lucky is Dale Earnhardt Jr.?” Logano said. “He got to meet Peyton Manning. But how lucky is Manning? He received the grand tour of Bristol Motor Speedway by Earnhardt himself. Talk about a ‘Thunder Valet.’”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th at Bristol as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards took the win.

“JGR took four of the top five qualifying positions,” Hamlin said. “Only Carl Edwards was able to close the deal, however. By ‘closing the deal,’ I mean driving back to the garage without running over someone.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski had a top-10 car until a late tire issue set him back. He finished 18th and is now eighth in the points standings, 63 out of first.

“Luckily,” Keselowski said, “the fan that Kyle Busch hit was not injured. I guess God was looking out for her. I like to believe that had I been in that fan’s shoes, a higher power would have pushed me out of the path of the car, hopefully before Kevin Harvick pushed me into it.”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started eighth and finished 14th in the Food City 500.

“It’s interesting the way Kyle Busch keeps meeting NASCAR fans,” Truex said. “It’s either (get out of) my way’ or ‘the highway.’”

April 19, 2016
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch won his second consecutive race, passing Martin Truex Jr. on a restart with 33 laps to go and cruising to the win in the Duck Commander 500.

“That’s two wins in two weeks,” Busch said, “in two different states, both pretty convincingly. What I’ve done to the rest of the field is known as ‘Interstate Battery.’

“It’s funny, given the misguided political opinions of the likes of Brian France and Phil Robertson, that NASCAR has become a haven for people endorsing candidates. Much like American presidential elections, NASCAR crowns a winner in November. That will be me. I’m here today to announce my 2016 slogan for repeating as Sprint Cup champion: ‘Make America One-Eight Again.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Texas, posting his fourth top five of the season.

“We got off to a shaky start,” Johnson said. “On our first pit stop, I banged the back of Kyle Busch’s car. That left the No. 48 Chevrolet with some damage to the nose. That, of course, made the car difficult to drive. Trust me. I’m a triathlete—I know an ‘out-of-shape’ car when I see one.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Texas, earning his sixth top 10 of the season. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, seven behind Kyle Busch.

“We had a top-10 car,” Harvick said, “and nothing else. It was clear early on that we weren’t going to win. In other words, we ‘didn’t have a prayer,’ which would also happen to be a good position for NASCAR to take in regards to pre-race ceremonies.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards, along with Martin Truex Jr., had one of the fields best cars at Texas, but failed to secure the win due to a loose wheel with 113 laps to go.

“Speaking of a ‘screw loose,’” Edwards said, “did you hear Phil Robertson’s pre-race prayer? It was more quotable than the Bible itself.

“Now, I’m frankly sick and tired of congratulating Kyle Busch on his victories. If he wants a pat on the back, he’ll have to get it from someone else, because when I joined JGR, I promised Matt Kenseth I wouldn’t raise a hand to anyone.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second in the Duck Commander 500 at Texas as Kyle Busch took the win.

“Once Kyle got into clean air,” Earnhardt said, “there was no stopping him. I think Phil Robertson said it best when he quipped, ‘Jesus man, that car is fast.’

“Texas Motor Speedway had on display the taxidermied ‘Lil’ Dale’ goat. That goat rose to fame when it was born in 2002 with a marking on its side that looked like the No. 3. Despite the fact that ‘Lil’ Dale’ is a male, he’s been milked for all he’s worth.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch took ninth in the Duck Commander 500 as younger brother Kyle gained his second consecutive win.

“Kyle is on a roll,” Busch said. “He won four races across three NASCAR series in eight days. You can say he’s done just about everything, except accuse his wife of being an assassin.”

“In his pre-race prayer, Phil Robertson asked the Lord to put a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. I’m not sure Robertson is qualified to speak intelligently about religion or politics, or to speak intelligently period. But you know the old saying: ‘Robertson 3:16 says I’m just talking out my ass.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Duck Commander 500, recording his third top-five finish of the year.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr. created a stir on Twitter,” Logano said, “when he tweeted about eating a banana and mayonnaise sandwich. I received a lot of unwanted responses because Junior happened to add ‘#SlicedBread’ to his tweet.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started sixth and finished 12th as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 12, led by Kyle Busch’s win. Hamlin is eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

“JGR is building a dynasty,” Hamlin said, “and unlike some other ‘dynasties,’ this one isn’t full of quacks. And speaking of ‘duck calls,’ did you hear the national anthem performed by Will Robertson? He hit all the notes. And by ‘all’ the notes, I mean one. But Will has one thing going for him—he’s adopted.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 19th at Texas and is now eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

“Once again,” Keselowski said, “politics made its way into NASCAR when Phil Robertson prayed for a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. This happened just weeks after Brian France endorsed Donald Trump for President. What’s next? Robertson and France start a NASCAR team and call it ‘Presidential Racing?’”

10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led a race-high 147 laps but couldn’t hold off Kyle Busch on a late restart, and eventually finished fifth.

“I clearly had the best car,” Truex said, “but what I lacked was a little luck, or maybe a little bible, and a little gun. But I don’t need anyone to tell me that we let a win slip away. I also don’t need anyone to tell me who to vote for, or anyone to pray for me.”

April 12, 2016
Remembering the Underbird

I still can’t imagine that it has been 23 years since we lost Alan Kulwicki in a plane crash as he was headed to Bristol Motor Speedway. The sight of the No. 7 hauler taking the lap around Bristol before leaving the track still brings a chill up my back.

Kulwicki did things his way. He brought engineering into NASCAR and now 23 years later, most crew chiefs are engineers. Future crew chief and owner, Ray Evernham, lasted six weeks with Kulwicki in 1992. Evernham later said, “The man was a genius. There’s no question. It’s not a matter of people just feeling like he was a genius. That man was a genius. But his personality paid for that. He was very impatient, very straightforward, very cut-to-the-bone.”

When Kulwicki started his own team he served as his own engineer and crew chief. Eventually, he hired Paul Andrews as the crew chief and the team also featured two future crew chiefs, Tony Gibson, the current crew chief for Kurt Busch at Stewart-Haas Racing and Brian Whitesell who succeeded Ray Evernham as the crew chief for Jeff Gordon.

In the early 1990s, very few people would say no to Junior Johnson. When Johnson was looking to replace Terry Labonte, he offered the seat to Kulwicki who said no because he wanted to run his own team. Kulwicki had another run-in with Johnson. In 1991, Johnson wanted to start a second team and offered Kulwicki $1 million to drive for him. The Wisconsin owner/driver turned him down thinking he had secured Maxwell House as a sponsor for his team. Johnson wound up taking the Maxwell House sponsorship and hired Sterling Marlin to drive the No. 22 Maxwell House Ford for Johnson and Kulwicki started the 1991 season without sponsorship.

Kulwicki would eventually secure Hooters to sponsor his car for one race in 1991 and it grew into a multi-year commitment. That commitment from Hooters and Kulwicki’s determination turned into magic in 1992. It was a season of consistency. He scored two victories and only had two finishes outside the top-20 all season. When the team rolled through the gates for the 1992 Hooters 500, Kulwicki was second in points, trailing Davey Allison by 30 points. He went to Ford and NASCAR to get approval to have Underbird on the car because he relished the underdog role.

During the race, points leader Allison was involved in a wreck with Ernie Irvan and fell out of contention. It became a battle between Bill Elliott and Kulwicki to determine the 1992 NASCAR Winston Cup championship. Elliott won the Hooters 500, but Kulwicki managed a second place finish to capture the series championship.

The 1992 Hooters 500 is one for the NASCAR record books. It was Richard Petty’s final race, Jeff Gordon’s first race and the day the Underbird took Alan Kulwicki to the championship.

It was a championship he wouldn’t defend. After an appearance at the Hooters in Knoxville, Tennessee, Kulwicki was flying to Bristol when his plane crashed on final approach to the airport. Kulwicki was gone at the age of 38.

His legacy continues in the sport. Tony Gibson is still on a pit box, engineers are the life blood of Sprint Cup success for any team and now the Alan Kulwicki Driver Development Program is helping worthy drivers along the way to reaching their dream.

It’s been 23 years since NASCAR lost a true independent owner/driver who did it his way. Tony Stewart has won a championship since Kulwicki as an owner-driver, but Stewart also had the partnership with Gene Haas and support from Hendrick Motorsports. Kulwicki did it on his own.

I can still see the Hooters No. 7 taking the Polish Victory Lap waving to the fans and I will always wonder how much more he could have accomplished if he wasn’t taken so soon.

Rest in peace, Alan Kulwicki. You are still missed.

March 29, 2016
The View From My Recliner – Easter Break

Hello, everyone. I am John Harlow and I am a NASCAR fan.

I became a racing fan because it was one of the few things my Dad and I had in common. I have been watching racing since the early 70s. It is an honor to be one of the newest writers at Speedwaymedia.com.

We’re five weeks into the 2016 NASCAR racing season and we have watched (the TV ratings says that many haven’t and the fans dressed as empty seats the last few weeks haven’t shown much) some of the best racing NASCAR has put on the track in years.

A few observations from the first five weeks.

Everyone who thought that Kyle Busch would change since he won his Sprint Cup championship is wrong. His comments following the XFINITY race in Fontana show that he hasn’t matured and trying to take out Austin Dillon shows that he is still all about Kyle. Racers are and need to be all about themselves. There are many times where I will defend Kyle, but this time, he was wrong. NASCAR got it wrong today for not digging into his wallet for his remarks. He was fined $10,000 for not showing up for media availability after the race, but nothing for his comments about fixing races.

The racing coverage on Fox Sports has the good and the bad. The good is Jeff Gordon making the transition from driving to the TV booth look easy. He gives great analysis from someone who was in the driver’s seat less than a year ago. Pairing him with Darrell Waltrip has been a disaster. DW comes across as someone who is jealous that someone is taking his TV time away. While we’re at it, get Chris Myers and Michael Waltrip off of the pre-race show. Danielle Trotta, Larry McReynolds and Jeff Hammond would make the pre-race show watchable. Pulling DW from the booth and replacing him with Larry Mac would make the race coverage bearable.

Last but not least, the XFINITY Series is a joke. Who cares about the Chase in the XFINITY Series? The three Joe Gibbs Racing Toyotas have dominated this series. I would rather watch paint dry. Here is the basic narrative from each XFINITY. The Gibbs cars are 1-2-3 and the XFINITY regulars are battling for 10th-15th place. Let’s get the Cup drivers and Cup teams out of XFINITY. I would rather see a Corey LaJoie or Brandon McReynolds race than watching Kyle stink up the show.

Have a safe and Happy Easter. And we’ll talk soon about what I see in my Recliner.

March 25, 2016