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NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Martinsville, ending his streak of eight consecutive results of second or better. He remains atop the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 ahead of Joey Logano.

“It was a disappointing finish,” Harvick said. “Not that eighth is bad, but I finished behind Danica Patrick. I guess my son Keelan’s cries of ‘Go Daddy!’ were heard by Danica and not me.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Martinsville and came home third, leading 108 laps in the STP 500. He is second in the points standings, 24 behind Kevin Harvick.

“That race had it all,” Logano said. “Action, intrigue, fake cautions, you name it. Plus, there was controversy, because track management dumped Jesse Jones hot dogs for Valleydale. How could they? I’ve been called one, but this takes the term ‘undeserving weiner’ to a new level.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski stalked Denny Hamlin over the final laps at Martinsville but couldn’t make the pass. Hamlin took the checkers while Keselowski settled for second.

“The No. 2 Miller Lite was fast,” Keselowski said, “and I almost pulled it out. And that would have been nice. Had I won, you could have said the race itself, much like Kyle Larson, was ‘Lite-headed.’”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 23 laps and finished sixth at Martinsville, posting his sixth top 10 of the year. He is third in the points standings, 32 behind Kevin Harvick.

“Kyle Larson missed the race after fainting Saturday at an autograph session,” Truex said. “Apparently, he signed ‘out.’ Don’t ask me what his condition is, because I don’t have the faintest. Somebody told me Fall Out Boy was signing autographs on Saturday. Turns out it was just Kyle Larson.”

5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt suffered a broken shifter early at Martinsville and was involved in a multi-car wreck on lap 228 that smashed the front end of the No. 88 Chevrolet. He eventually finished 36th, 47 laps behind.

“Obviously,” Earnhardt said, “you can’t do shift without a shifter. And if you can’t change gears, a sorry finish becomes, well, ‘automatic.’

“After a lengthy stint in the garage, the No. 88 returned to the track without a hood. That is, of course, bad news, but it comes with a silver lining. Trust me, when anything Earnhardt-related goes topless, I thank the lucky starts it’s the car and not one of my fans.”

6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, an eight-time winner at Martinsville, suffered numerous issues at Martinsville on his way to a 35th-place finish.

“My day at Martinsville had a lot in common with Chad Knaus’ history with the NASCAR rule book,” Johnson said. “There were ‘multiple issues.’

“I’ve won eight times at Martinsville. Normally, when I race there, I say “Hot dog.’ Not on Sunday. I spent so much time with the hood up, there was no ‘hot dog,’ just ‘all the fixings.’”

7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 11th in the STP 500 as Hendrick teammate Jeff Gordon took ninth, while Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt Jr. struggled mightily. Kahne is now fifth in the points standings, 70 out of first.

“Rick Hendrick had two cars in the top 11,” Kahne said, “and two cars finish 35th or worse. So you can understand why Martinsville’s half-mile left him with a ‘half-smile.’”

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon let a potential win slip away at Martinsville after a pit road speeding penalty cost him the lead with about 40 laps to go. Forced to the end of the lead lap, Gordon passed enough cars to salvage a ninth.

“It’s never pleasant when you hear the words, ‘You’ve made a terrible mistake,’” Gordon said. “But I’d rather hear it from my crew chief than my divorce lawyer.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin overcame an early penalty in the pits and held off Brad Keselowski to win the STP 500. Hamlin led the final 28 laps and is now eighth in the points standings, 91 behind Kevin Harvick.

“We had a tire get away from us on pit road,” Hamlin said. “The same thing happened at California. We have a fast car, but instead of burning rubber, we keep getting burned by rubber.

“But, I bounced back and kept Keselowski at bay, winning my fifth grandfather clock. He gave me a little nudge in the final turn. Had I wrecked, you can best believe, with a clock in mind, you would have seen ‘one hand on the 2.’”

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led 11 laps and finished fourth on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing. Denny Hamlin won the STP 500, while David Ragan took fifth.

“Denny ended a 31-race winless streak for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “What better place than Martinsville to end that streak. I think Denny said it best after being awarded the grandfather clock when he said, ‘It’s about time.’ To all of those who thought JGR was slipping, that’s just ‘Gibb-erish.’”

March 31, 2015
The Final Word – Martinsville brings us NASCAR’s Sad Lexicon

These are the saddest of possible words:
“Denny or Joey or Brad.”
A trio of dudes who are just for the birds,
Denny or Joey or Brad.
First, third, and second, my hopes turned to rubble
After watching that finish, I need a double
Words, for this fan, that are nothing but trouble:
“Denny or Joey or Brad.”

Kevin Harvick was going to win at Martinsville, or so I thought. Having led 154 laps, it was a logical expectation, but he wound up eighth. Jeff Gordon was going to win, then a late caution and a speeding penalty in the pits ended those dreams and left him ninth.

After the final re-start, the leader board was topped by the trio of Denny Hamlin, Brad Keselowski, and Joey Logano. It never changed. Sure, Hamlin did probably the coolest burnouts I have seen in a long time but…but…it was Denny Hamlin. For the 34-year old, he greatly enhances his Chase aspirations with his 25th career victory on a day the Gibbs organization probably needed. More on that in a moment.

For Gibbs Racing, Hamlin won, Matt Kenseth was fourth, David Ragan was fifth, while Carl Edwards was 17th. It was a good day for Penske, as well, with Keselowski and Logano. Stewart-Haas had a decent day as all four were within the Top 20, with Danica Patrick claiming seventh.

Jimmie Johnson has eight Martinsville clocks, but a car that started bad and just got worse left him having to rely on his watch to tell the time, finishing 32 laps down in 35th. Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the timepiece last year, but this time his car vibrated bad enough to snap off his shifter more than once. Then he got in a bottleneck, ran into the back of Paul Menard, and really vibrated. Junior finished minus a new clock, a hood and fenders, to sit a spot behind Johnson.

I tried poking my tires to cause teeny tiny holes, but all that was good for was to make the things go flat. There must be an art to it, but NASCAR says maintaining consistent air pressure in this fashion, thus maintaining balance in the car, is not the way to go about it. They have suspicions somebody might be doing it, and if they ever catch that somebody it will have very bad consequences for them.

A bit of tinkering out in California to aid the aerodynamic properties of the part-time No. 33 ride has given crew chief Slugger Labbe a NASCAR enforced three week vacation. They caught something they did not like in opening day inspection and asked for a $50,000 financial contribution as well.

NASCAR loves its rules. A tire rolling around in a pit box without a guiding hand is enough to get them all hot and bothered. However, have a jackass stomping on his brakes at the exit to pit row, stacking up his opponents, in order to avoid having to re-start in the outside lane, and we hear not a word. To be fair, I would expect the powers that be to address Mr. Hamlin’s new trick in short order to avoid what could soon become a very unpleasant situation.

Being sick sucks. 22 year old Kyle Larson missed Martinsville after fainting Saturday during an autograph session. He feels fine, but doctors wanted to conduct a few more tests to make sure they know exactly what happened. Regan Smith filled in, finishing 16th. J.D. Gibbs is away from his dad’s race team with what seems to be post-concussion like symptoms, but the exact cause remains a mystery. Meanwhile, recent tests did not deliver the news we wanted for pit reporter Steve Byrnes in his fight with cancer. Our prayers are with him.

There are many folks involved in NASCAR who have come to mean something to us, including talented announcers, executives, and drivers. Some we enjoy, others not so much. More than a hundred years ago, Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers, and Frank Chance were a double play combination for the Chicago Cubs and “Baseball’s Sad Lexicon” is said to have gone a long way in getting each elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame. So, if history repeats itself, to Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, and Brad Keselowski, you are welcome.

March 30, 2015
Surprising and Not Surprising: Martinsville STP 500

From the first short track of the season with the grandfather clock as the trophy, here is what was surprising and not surprising from Martinsville Speedway’s STP 500.

Surprising: Denny Hamlin embarked on his own version of the ‘Drive for Five’ while the driver trying for his fifth championship doomed his own chances of winning with a pit road speeding penalty late in the race.

“Well, by no means did we have a smooth race at all, and we still won,” the driver of the No. 11 FedEx Express Toyota said after his fifth win at Martinsville. “So that to me shows what we’re capable of, and once we get everything worked out the way it needs to be and we’re back to our normal selves on pit road and we don’t have any penalties and everything just runs a smooth race, we can win a lot of these things.”

Conversely, Jeff Gordon, with an eye on a fifth championship in his last full-time season, doomed his victory chances with a pit road speeding penalty on Lap 462, finishing in the ninth position in his No. 24 Axalta Chevrolet.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so disappointed in myself,” Gordon said. “I felt like we finally got the car, got ourselves in a position to win the race. I knew I was pushing the limit but I didn’t think I had done anything different than I had all day. I’m very, very disappointed.”

Not Surprising: Although Chase Elliott made his first Cup debut, qualifying his way into the show, he joined his Hendrick teammates in having unusual struggles at Martinsville.

Elliott finished 38^th after some damage sustained early in the race, while teammates Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. suffered not only damage from incidents on the track. but also mechanical problems to finish 35th and 36th respectively.

“A lot of guys I think were having some transmission or gear problems,” Junior said. “We got some real bad vibration in the car 30 laps into the race and it just kept breaking the shifter. It was just swinging up there like a tuning fork.”

“It was a tough race.”

Surprising: While Team Penske seemed to experience some moral dilemmas about wrecking, they still managed to finish in the second and third positions respectively.

Brad Keselowski, on one hand, wrestled with his conscience as to whether or not he should wreck Denny Hamlin for the win, while his teammate Joey Logano was hoping beyond hope that Keselowski and Hamlin would wreck each other so that he could have the win and the weekend of his life.

“I did everything I could other than wreck him,” the driver of the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford said after the race. “Morals and racing are pretty subjective, but I just felt like I raced him the way I wanted to be raced and I guess that is what it is.”

“I was hoping so,” the driver of the No. 22 Shell/Pennzoil Ford said when asked if he thought Keselowski and Hamlin might wreck each other. “That was my only shot at it once they got pretty far away.”

“That was the only shot I had for the win.”

Not Surprising: In NASCAR, records are made to be surpassed and broken and both happened at Martinsville. Martin Truex Jr. continued his streak of consecutive top-10 finishes for the sixth race in a row, while Kevin Harvick’s streak of top-2 finishes came to an end with his eighth place run.

“It is awesome,” Truex Jr. said of his top-10 streak. “I can’t say enough about the team. Again to battle like we did today. We showed we never give up. We haven’t all year long. We haven’t given up on each other since I started here.”

“It feels good to have another good run at one of my worst race tracks,” Truex continued. “Just can’t believe we were able to stay on the lead lap, fix the power steering and all that and drive back through there. It was a hell of an effort.”

Although Harvick led the most laps, 154 of 500, the driver of the No. 4 Budweiser/Jimmy John’s Chevrolet lost track position on a late-race restart and simply could not recover.

“I just got hung on the outside and couldn’t get back down,” Harvick said. “By the time I got down, I was 10th or 11^th.”

“Everybody did a good job, just lost track position at the wrong time.”

Surprising: NASCAR seems to be in significant need of recovery, with the announcement of J. D. Gibbs facing a significant health issue and Kyle Larson fainting during an autograph session.

“We’ve been dealing with this for about six months and basically what the doctor’s say is that they really don’t know,” Coach Joe Gibbs said of his son’s situation. “J.D. has lived a very active lifestyle. All the things that he’s done in his life physically he’s loved all sporting events and it’s everything from football to snowboarding, racing cars, racing motor bikes – he’s lived in a lot of ways for him, he loved all those things.”

“We can’t point to any one serious thing that happened to him, certainly any injury is a possibility that led us into some of the symptoms that he’s experiencing now.”

In addition to Gibbs, Kyle Larson suffered his own surprising health symptoms after passing out prior to the Martinsville race.

After fainting at an autograph session in Martinsville, VA, Kyle Larson was first evaluated at a local hospital in Martinsville and ultimately evaluated at a Charlotte hospital,” Chip Ganassi Racing said in a prepared statement prior to the race. “Although all tests came back negative and Larson feels completely fine, the doctors felt he should be held for more testing.”

Regan Smith, sub extraordinaire, filled Larson’s seat and after starting from the back of the field in the No. 42 Target Chevrolet, managed a respectable 16th place finish.

Not Surprising: In spite of scoring his first ever top-five at Martinsville, David Ragan had nothing but thoughts of Kyle Busch, for whom he continues to substitute in the No. 18 M&M’s Crispy Toyota, and his recovery from injuries sustained at Daytona.

“I just hope I helped the 18 team for the Chase race later in the year,” Ragan said. “We’ll enjoy Easter and I cannot wait to get to Texas.”

Surprising: Smoke surprisingly got in the eyes of both Austin Dillon and AJ Allmendinger. The two Chevrolet drivers both had motor issues that determined their 41st and 43rd place finishes.

“I’m not sure what the exact problem was with the motor,” Allmendinger, driver of the No. 47 Bush’s Beans Chevrolet said. “I noticed some smoke start rolling in the car and I could see it start out of the back of the car.”

“I was smoking so bad they black flagged me.”

“Yeah it was a motor issue,” Dillon, driver of the No. 3 Cheerios Chevrolet, said. “I think the same things as the No. 47. We just have to do a better job of going through our procedures at ECR right now. We have some power but we are not finishing races.”

Not Surprising: It was a weekend of celebration for the Gilliland family, with dad David, in his 300th Cup start, having his best run ever at Martinsville with a 25th place finish and 14 year-old-son son Todd winning his first Late Model Stock Car race at Southern National Motorsports Park.

“I’m proud of the guys,” Gilliland, driver of the No. 38 Love’s Travel Stops Ford, said. “The pit stops were good and this was the best I’ve personally ever run here, so we’ll build from it.”

“And I couldn’t be prouder of my son,” Gilliland continued. “He’s a great young man and a great race car driver. I think he proved a lot with his win.”

“I’m so glad I was racing in Martinsville this weekend so I could drive down to see this race.”

Surprising: The penalty of uncontrolled tires in the pits continued to dominate. There were five such penalties in the Martinsville race, adding to the total of 21 of these out-of-control tires for the season.

Not Surprising: Danica Patrick about summed it all up at Martinsville. When asked, how she avoided the wrecking on the track, she asked “Well, which one are you talking about?”

“That’s kind of the way it goes at Martinsville,” the driver of the No. 10 TaxAct Chevrolet said. “I think all four corners were banged up.”

“It’s all a matter of luck, too,” Patrick continued. “I could have got drilled from the back and hit into the car. I could have swerved to the right and had somebody clip my right rear and spun, somebody could have been out there.”

“Crashes are about observing where you’re at and making a good decision about where to go, but they’re also about luck. I got lucky that there was nothing in my way to get around that one. That would have probably wrecked my day.”

Patrick finished seventh at the track known as the ‘Paper Clip’, tying her second-best career finish in the Cup Series.

March 29, 2015
Matty’s Picks 2015 – Martinsville Speedway – STP 500

We’re back from the West Coast swing and the shortest track on the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series schedule is the site of the welcome home party this weekend. It will be the 133rd time the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series visits the .526 mile paper clip in southern Virginia, and the winner of the STP 500 will go home with one of the most unique and coveted pieces of hardware in the sport – a grandfather clock from the Ridgeway Clock Company.

Martinsville Speedway is one of my favorite tracks because of the combination of the long straightaways, lack of banking, and tight corners all contributing to the intense racing produced each and every race at the paper clip. The progressive banking at Bristol Motor Speedway has produce multiple racing grooves, making Martinsville the lone one-groove short track on the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series schedule. Drivers will be fighting for real estate in the bottom of the concrete corners before they hit the asphalt straightaways requiring the correct combination of braking and acceleration a thousand plus times to go home with the grandfather clock on Sunday afternoon.

Not a bad result last week for me on the third weekend of the West Coast tour, with my worst driver finishing 14th. I thought I had the race-winner locked up in Kurt Busch, but the restarts at the end last week bit me as much as they did Busch. My roster last week included Joey Logano, Kurt Busch, Jimmie Johnson, Carl Edwards and Tony Stewart. 196 points under the FoxSports Fantasy Auto rules last week put me second in the CNY Race Fans group and 18,201 overall.

Martinsville Picks

The drivers making up my fantasy roster this week boast 25 combined wins and are the only five active drivers on the list of 24 who have multiple wins at Martinsville Speedway. A couple of important statistics to keep in mind this week when making your picks – 95 of the 132 (71.9 percent) NASCAR Sprint Cup Series races at Martinsville Speedway have been won from a top-10 starting position. However, only seven of the 132 races at Martinsville have been won from a starting position outside the top 10 but both races last season added to that tally. If this year’s races at Martinsville are anywhere close to last year’s events, starting position should not weigh in as heavily as past races at the paper clip.

(more…)

March 28, 2015
Hot 20 – If it was something we could not see, was Fontana truly debris free?

Nothing gets NASCAR fans hotter than the possibility their conspiracy theories might actually be true.

Is NASCAR using phantom debris to manipulate the outcome of races through the use of late cautions?

“That’s a preposterous allegation,” says NASCAR Executive Vice President Steve O’Donnell. Actually, it is those cautions that many fans are finding preposterous. With debris shown in only one of three late instances, fans are left to wonder. With bad boy Kurt Busch apparently heading to victory, how fortuitous that a caution was called to open up an opportunity to alter the outcome of the race at Fontana. That should be easily enough addressed, one would think. Show us the debris, and it better be something more substantial than a hot dog wrapper. Either that, or give Michael Waltrip his money back.

Of course, it is preposterous that some fans fail to understand just how transparent NASCAR now is. Anyone know what the attendance was at Fontana? Oops, sorry, I forgot. Some information is as tough to get made public as a Hillary Clinton e-mail or a Richard Nixon taped conversation.

As for our Hot 20 heading to Martinsville…

1. Kevin Harvick – 2 Wins (225 Points)
33rd at Martinsville last fall, first or second after each race since.

2. Joey Logano – 1 Win (197 Points)
If the damn tire stays in the box, maybe NASCAR should stay out of it.

3. Brad Keselowski – 1 Win (163 Points)
NASCAR loves me. They really love me.

4. Jimmie Johnson – 1 Win (159 Points)
After all the restarts left him finishing ninth, I need to ask Jimmie, “What does NFG stand for?”

5. Martin Truex Jr – 192 Points
Five events, five Top Tens. That works.

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr – 164 Points
Zero for 23 at Fontana, but 1 (last October) for 30 at Martinsville.

7. Ryan Newman – 162 Points
If he had sat out the Daytona 500, would only slip to 8th in points.

8. Kasey Kahne – 159 Points
If 17th is the worst he can do (Phoenix, Fontana), you will find him here each week.

9. Paul Menard – 152 Points
Crew chief Justin Alexander’s magic helped massage a Top Ten on Sunday.

10. Aric Almirola – 138 Points
His boss won 15 times at Martinsville. Guess who wants a clock of his own.

11. A.J. Allmendinger – 137 Points
Thinking of Martinsville, dreaming of an Indianapolis-Charlotte double.

12. Casey Mears – 132 Points
His uncle won the Indianapolis 500 four times.

13. Matt Kenseth – 127 Points
Great pit stops, just one too many at Fontana.

14. Denny Hamlin – 125 Points
Gibbs cars lead 100 laps, none finish among the Top Dozen.

15. David Ragan – 124 Points
Upset Gordon at Fontana, but still sits a dozen points ahead of him in the standings.

16. Carl Edwards – 120 Points
Turned his foot long into a six-inch sub in practice and still searching for first Top Ten

17. Jamie McMurray – 120 Points
Yet to finish in NASCAR’s Top Ten. Is this the year?

18. Austin Dillon – 116 Points
With four Xfinity starts, tied with Larson for most visits to the kiddies table this year.

19. Kyle Larson – 116 Points
Now, NASCAR, THAT is what I would call debris.

20. Clint Bowyer – 115 Points
Martinsville changed its hog dogs, but this hot dog has endorsed ‘em as being just as good.

March 25, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the Auto Club 400, extending his amazing streak with his eighth consecutive top-two finish. He continues to lead the Sprint Cup points standings, and holds a 28-point cushion over Joey Logano.

“Who’s going to stop me in my quest to defend my Cup championship?” Harvick said. “It appears no one is willing to step up. In the last eight races, I’ve won four times and finished second four times. I win and I ‘place;’ is anyone else going to ‘show?’”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at California as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the win.

“Brad stole that win from Kurt Busch,” Logano said. “Luckily for Brad, Kyle Larson’s bumper flew off, bringing out the caution that Brad needed. A bumper is real debris, debris you can actually see. Can something invisible, like a stiff wind, necessitate a yellow flag? NASCAR would likely say ‘Yes.’ I guess that would be called a ‘da breeze’ caution.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth at Fontana, posting his third top 10 of the year. He is fourth in the points standings, 66 out of first.

“It was a solid day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Johnson said, “but the return of Kurt Busch has made Stewart-Haas Racing a real powerhouse. Busch has really been on fire since his reinstatement. It appears the line between being outlawed and being the ‘Outlaw’ is a significant one. But is Busch really a threat to win the Sprint Cup championship. Until he’s holding the Cup, I’m not convinced. So, he’s innocent until proven guilty.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt posted his fourth top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Fontana, rebounding strongly from his last place result in Phoenix.

“I lost a lot of track position,” Earnhardt said, “when I got stuck behind Greg Biffle on a late restart. There’s nothing worse that getting stuck behind a slow car on a restart, except for getting stuck behind the wheel of a Roush Fenway Racing car.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s hot start to the season continued with an eighth in the Auto Club 500. He has five consecutive top 10’s and is fifth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

“Kurt Busch won the pole for Sunday’s race, Truex said. “I asked Kurt’s ex-girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, about the race, and, not surprisingly, she said, ‘He started it.’

“It was a wild finish at Fontana. And to capitalize on that result, Furniture Row is offering their own ‘wild finish,’ a tiger-striped design on a coffee table.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski passed Busch on the final lap to seize the win in a dramatic Auto Club 500. Keselowski took four tires during the final caution, giving him the necessary advantage on the Fontana track’s abrasive surface.

“I apologize if I made Kurt hit the wall,” Keselowski said. “He should consider himself lucky, that it’s only one wall and not four that he’s dealing with.”

7. Ryan Newman: Newman finished fifth in the Auto Club 400, posting his third consecutive top-five result. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 63 behind Kevin Harvick.

“There were a lot of mysterious cautions thrown on Sunday in California,” Newman said. “That surely didn’t make Kurt Busch happy. Kurt may complain about ‘yellow flags being raised,’ as opposed to his girlfriends, who are concerned about all the red flags raised.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at California and had a win in hand until a late caution presented Brad Keselowski the opportunity to take four tires. Keselowski then passed Busch on the final green-white-checkered finish while Busch brushed the wall trying to regain position.

“You may say I hit the wall,” Busch said, “but I deny it.

“As conspiracy theories go, my favorite is the one that says NASCAR threw the cautions to prevent me from winning. Sure, they granted me a waiver for the Chase, but all those yellows served as ‘wavers’ to keep me out of the Chase.”

9. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished 10th at California as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10.

“I counted at least three ‘phantom’ cautions in Sunday’s race,” Gordon said. “And you know that means: if there are ‘phantoms,’ then there are ‘ghosts.’ And that’s bad news for NASCAR, because this sport just got even whiter.”

10. Paul Menard: Menard recorded his best finish of the year with a fourth in the Auto Club 400. He is ninth in the points standings, 73 out of first.

“Richard Childress could be kicking himself for letting Kevin Harvick leave after the 2013 season,” Menard said. “But at some point, even if something or someone has been getting under your skin, you just have to ‘let it go.’ I think Richard exemplifies that very well.”

March 24, 2015
Hot 20 Heading to California, The List of who is Not Hot is an Impressive one

It has a week of discovery. We know that Kevin Harvick is off to a great start. We know that Tony Stewart is not. We now know that NASCAR funds an organization run by Al Sharpton. We know that Kurt Busch’s ex is not happy that Kurt is back racing, and I discovered I just do not care. I also know that even if I were not a happily married straight male, I would have no interest in dating either of them. Now, let us move on.

Hot 20 after Phoenix…

1. Kevin Harvick – 2 Wins (182 Points)
AKA The Champ, Double Winner, Happy, The Closer, Harv, Squirrel Killer.

2. Joey Logano – 1 Win (160 Points)
At Phoenix he proved he could go to Xfinity but not beyond.

3. Jimmie Johnson – 1 Win (124 Points)
In the end, he was more tired than his car as both hit the wall.

4. Martin Truex Jr. – 155 Points
Takes crap from nobody…except Junior.

5. Kasey Kahne – 132 Points
If this is an organization’s least heralded driver, they all wish they could be so cursed.

6. A.J. Allmendinger – 127 Points
Already the winner of an Auto Golf Club event at Fontana.

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr. – 126 Points
Super sorry about your motorcoach, Martin…I sh*t you not…but as for the dog…

8. Ryan Newman – 123 Points
Top Ten, Top Three, Top Three, why Newman is happy is plain to see.

9. Brad Keselowski – 116 Points
The most popular celebrity from Rochester Hills, Michigan…as of last week.

10. Matt Kenseth – 113 Points
If only he could get a Daytona do over.

11. Paul Menard – 112 Points
Still seeking a Top 10, but Fontana is where dreams have come true for him.

12. Casey Mears – 111 Points
Best driver in his organization is the only driver in his organization. He is racing to change that.

13. Denny Hamlin – 108 Points
Wants things to be more automatic…such as the transmission.

14. Aric Almirola – 105 Points
More lukewarm than hot, but he sure was hot after 2014 finish at Fontana.

15. Clint Bowyer – 101 Points
Now, a few words from our favorite driver. “@&$#*#$@!!!”

16. Greg Biffle – 101 Points
You picked a fine time to find me, loose wheel.

17. David Ragan – 98 Points
Knows Kyle will eventually return, but more worried he might lose ride to Will Ferrell.

18. Kyle Larson – 98 Points
Dug a hole at Daytona and Atlanta. Found a ladder out west.

19. Jamie McMurray – 97 Points
Ditto for Larson’s team mate.

20. David Gilliland – 92 Points
With thanks going to Austin, Carl, Danica, Sam, Jeff, Trevor, Ricky, Kyle, Kurt and Tony.

March 18, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Phoenix and won as expected, rolling to his fourth consecutive win at Phoenix International Raceway. He sits high atop the Sprint Cup points standings, 22 ahead of Joey Logano.

“You can call me ‘Happy,’” Harvick said, “but you might as well call me ‘Tarp,’ because I had the field covered.

“I’ve got four top-two finishes to start the season. No one has done that since Richard Petty in 1974. And speaking of ‘Kings,’ I rule.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Phoenix after starting second on the grid and leading 35 laps. He is second in the points standings, 22 behind Kevin Harvick.

“No one can catch Harvick,” Logano said. “As such, it looks like the ‘Chase’ has started early this year.

“I won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday. That race was called the ‘Xalta Faster. Tougher. Brighter. 200.’ It wasn’t much of a race, but it did have something that no other race in NASCAR history had, and that’s punctuation.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Phoenix as Kevin Harvick dominated, leading 224 of 312 laps. Johnson is seventh in the points standings, 58 behind Harvick.

“Harvick has been on a tear,” Johnson said. “They say this level of dominance hasn’t been seen since Richard Petty in 1974. I say it goes back further than that, to a time in racing when dirt tracks were the norm, because everyone is eating dust.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt blew a right rear tire on lap 180 at Phoenix and slammed the wall, ending his day with a last place finish.

“The No. 88 Hendrick Chevrolet was fast,” Earnhardt said, “but the surface at Phoenix is really tough on rubber. So, there’s a fine line separating ‘Hell On Wheels’ from ‘Hell On Tires.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex continued his solid start to the season with a seventh at Phoenix, giving him four top 10s in four races this year. He is fourth in the points standings, 27 behind Kevin Harvick.

“We’ve been consistent,” Truex said, “but we won’t be satisfied until we win. Some say that we can’t. On that note, Furniture Row offers upholstery in several patterns, but none in ‘checkers.’”

6. Kasey Kahne: Kahne took fourth in the CampingWorld.Com 500 on Sunday, posting his first top-five result of the year. He sits fourth in the points standings, 50 behind Kevin Harvick.

“I finished just ahead of Kurt Busch,” Kahne said. “Kurt was all over me, and, depending on who you ask, there may have been contact.

“Is it right that no domestic abuse charges were filed against Kurt? Who am I to say? I can say this: I don’t mind racing against the ‘Outlaw,’ but I surely wouldn’t want him as an inlaw.”

7. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger placed 17th at Phoenix and is now sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 55 out of first.

“We didn’t get the finish we wanted,” Allmendinger said, “but I still had a great time. Grammy-nominated band Tonic played a pre-race concert, and boy, did that really get my blood pumping. Talk about a ‘band stimulant.’”

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished ninth at Phoenix as Hendrick Motorsports cars took three of the top 11 spots.

“I’m on a quest for my fifth championship,” Gordon said. “Kevin Harvick appears well on his way to his second. Just a few words of advice for Kevin: before you can be ‘three-time’ or ‘four-time,’ you have to be ‘two-timed.’ And I have, on and off the track.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished third in the CampingWorld.Com 500, recording his second straight third-place finish.

“Kevin Harvick was unstoppable,” Newnam said. “There was a time in my career when I wished I could be just like Harvick and join Richard Childress Racing. Now, I want to be even more like Harvick and leave RCR, because that’s when the wins and championships happen.”

10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the CampingWorld.Com 500 in Phoenix, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished eighth, in the top 10.

“After a slow start to the season,” Keselowski said, “we’re back on track. I’ve got three top-10 finishes in a row after finishing 41st at Daytona. But to keep up with Kevin Harvick, we’re really gonna have to ‘push.’

“My crew chief Paul Wolfe was placed on probation for an entire season. NASCAR should try putting the whole sport on probation, just to make sure it’s being ‘watched.’”

March 17, 2015
The Final Word – Harvick Once Again the Best in Phoenix but Fontana is Johnson Country

Phoenix got somewhat exciting near the end. Kevin Harvick was the star of this show, with the likes of Joey Logano, Brad Keselowski, Kurt Busch and Jamie McMurray in supporting roles. Two straight this season, four straight at Phoenix, a lock on a Chase spot (you would think) and 30 career victories as he defends his Cup championship. It is good being Kevin Harvick.

Not so good being Tony Stewart. Take some orange paper, write a number 14 on it, then crumple it all up and toss it on the floor. That is pretty much how Stewart’s car looked when it finally stopped along the wall. Thirty-ninth on the day, 35th in the standings. It is not good being Tony Stewart, at least after four Cup races.

It was good being Dale Earnhardt Jr. Top Fives at Daytona, Atlanta and Las Vegas was good. A blown tire and a sharp slap to the wall to finish 43rd was not.

It was good, finally, to be Kurt Busch. In the words of Mike Joy, he went from suspension to redemption, as he finished fourth in his return.

Danica Patrick had another day outside the Top 25. Sure, her team-mates with the law firm of Stewart-Harvick-and Busch may all have won championships, but none of them have a cook book coming out. Game, set and match, losers.

One day, one race, 43 teams. I guess that is a bit too much even for Will Ferrell.

The best on the day amongst the lesser lights was Justin Allgaier. The 29th ranked driver from last season was 18th at Phoenix. Among the brighter bulbs who went dim were Junior, Brian Vickers, Sam Hornish Jr. and Smoke, all of whom wound up amongst the bottom five.

The great thing about FOX Sports taking over coverage is all the extra time it has given me. No truck racing, no practices, no qualifying to sit through. Now, if I only don’t blow it all on watching curling on TSN.

What does Junior’s puppy at Martin Truex Jr’s motorcoach have in common with Junior’s car last Sunday out on the track? That is where both suddenly went to crap.

Someone stole the No. 44. Now a lawyer wants it. Apparently, there is a claim that team owner John Cohen owes some money, so when the counsel for the other party heard Cohen claim the car was worth $250,000 he thought he would claim a piece. Insert your favorite lawyer joke here, I guess.

The western swing wraps up this Sunday in Fontana, California, where the mending Kyle Busch will see an end to his two race dominance of that track. Maybe that will work in favor of five time race winner Jimmie Johnson, or allow Kyle Larson to build on his runner-up performance in his one and only start there. Will it be exciting? It depends on who you like and where they are racing. Then again, who watches live events anymore? Hit record and watch the action at your own pace, maybe catch an inning or two of a ball game in the meantime, or shovel some snow, if you live in the northeast, then return to the track. Hey, it is a multi-task world.

March 16, 2015
Surprising and Not Surprising: Phoenix CampingWorld.com 500

With the exit of the ‘Outlaw’ and the return of Kurt Busch, here else is what was surprising and not surprising from the 11th annual CampingWorld.com 500 at Phoenix International Raceway.

Surprising: Driver Kevin Harvick admitted to an interesting feeling after continuing his reign of Victory Lane celebrations at Phoenix and after picking up right where he left off from last year’s championship.

The driver of the No. 4 Jimmy Johns/Budweiser Chevrolet confessed that he was surprisingly just a little scared.

“It’s almost scary how well things are going,” Harvick said. “You don’t want to talk about it too much because you want it to keep going.”

Harvick backed up his talk with his 30th victory in 506 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series races, his second victory and fourth top-10 finish in 2015, and his seventh victory in 25 races at Phoenix International Raceway.

Not Surprising: Even Brad Keselowski noticed that there were five Chevrolets in front of him as the highest finishing Ford. Keselowski, behind the wheel of the No. 2 Alliance Truck Parts Ford Fusion, finished sixth.

“There were a lot of Chevy’s up there and we need to get our Fords running a tiny bit better,” Keselowski said. “I feel like it was kind of a decent, nonchalant day. We didn’t really have the speed we needed to run with the 4 and 41.”

“Everybody was on a different strategy it seemed and it didn’t quite pan out for us to get the third or fourth we deserved but we ran really well. We just have to find some more speed. That is the common theme to keep up with the 4 and even the 41 this week.”

Surprising: Two past champions were beating and banging their way through the field in the Valley of the Sun. Six-time champ Jimmie Johnson tangled with Brian Vickers early in the race, as well as Carl Edwards later in the pits, and three-time champ Tony Stewart had some shoving matches with young racers Austin Dillon and Kyle Larson before hitting the wall twice.

While Johnson was able to rally back to an eleventh place finish, Stewart exited his race car and the infield care center after his second wreck to finish 39^th.

“Just terrible luck today,” Johnson said. “Lap 1 we had damage and had to go to the back and then at the three-quarter mark of the race I don’t know what happened on pit road. We were like three wide and then somebody came out of the pits and we got damage again.”

“Decent car we should have been top five, but just frustrating to have to go to the back twice like that.”

Not Surprising: Even in the midst of the race, teammates apparently take a few moments behind the wheel to become race fans. And Kyle Larson, from his spot in the tenth position did just that, rooting for teammate Jamie McMurray to try to get around Kevin Harvick for the win.

“Jamie (McMurray) did a great job to finish second there,” Larson, driver of the No. 42 Target Chevrolet for Chip Ganassi Racing with Felix Sabates, said. “I was pulling for him there at the end, but I was happy to get a top 10. 10th to 12th is about where we should of ended up.”

“Lost two spots there that last lap, but it was a hard fought day. Our car wasn’t the greatest, but we kept working on it and got it better and salvaged a pretty good finish.”

“It was a good day for everybody at Chip Ganassi Racing.”

Surprising: There were some milestones and a few records set amongst the top-ten, with Kasey Kahne finishing fourth in his 400^th start, Kurt Busch finishing fifth in his return after his suspension, and Martin Truex Jr. scoring a record four straight top-10 finishes for Furniture Row Racing.

Four straight top-10 finishes by Martin Truex Jr. is a Furniture Row Racing team record. The previous record of three straight 10s for a Furniture Row Racing driver was set by Kurt Busch in 2012 and 2013.

“It’s neat to have 400 starts in NASCAR, straight starts, I hope I get 400 more,” Kahne, behind the wheel of the No. 5 Farmers Insurance Chevrolet, said. “It felt really good.”

“I’m really happy with our Farmers Insurance team. It’s pretty neat.”

“It great to get back and produce a result like this on our first day back,” Kurt Busch said from behind the wheel of his No. 41 Haas Automation Chevrolet. “The way that we raced today, it was with heart. “

Thanks again to all my sponsors and Chevrolet and everybody that’s part of our team and the whole group at Stewart-Haas. Thank you.”

“We had a strong car,” Truex Jr., driver of the No. 78 Furniture Row Chevrolet, said. “We got tore up on pit road and had to go back to 24th. It was a hell of a rebound.”

“A really good pit call by Cole (Pearn, crew chief) to stay out on the last pit stop. We were able to pass a couple of cars there at the end and get a top 10.”

“To get a top 10 feel good.”

Not Surprising: Team Toyota continued its struggles with Carl Edwards as the highest Toyota finisher in the 13^th position.

“We fought a lot of things,” the driver of the No. 19 Stanley Toyota for Joe Gibbs Racing said. “We were a little tight in the middle of the corner and when we would get in dirty air our car seemed to be more affected than other people.”

“We made the most of what we had today and I think we ended up 13th or something like that. I feel like we had about a 15th-place car and we didn’t do worse than that.”

Fellow Toyota drivers Matt Kenseth finished 16^th, David Ragan 21^st, Denny Hamlin 23^rd, and Clint Bowyer took the checkered flag in 24^th.

Surprising: After a strong start to the season, Dale Earnhardt Jr. finished dead last after Goodyear diagnosed a melted bead on his right rear tire caused by the high brake heats. The driver of the No. 88 Nationwide Chevrolet blew his right rear tire in Turn 2 on Lap 181, suffering severe rear end damage to his race car, and ended the race in the 43^rd position.

“The car was really, really loose today and just wore the right rear tire out, and blew the tire,” Junior said. “

“You can’t wear the tire out. You have to get your car handling better.”

“We just have to get the balance better where we don’t burn the tire off of it.”

Not Surprising: Whoever said that there were just wins and no points racing involved in the new format has not met Ryan Newman. The driver of the No. 31 Quicken Loans Chevrolet finished third and definitely had his eye on the points, moving up to eighth from the twelfth position.

“It was a good points day,” Newman said. “We’re knocking on the door. That’s two Top 3’s in a row.” “

“We’re four races in and we’ve got two Top 5’s. It took us until June last year to get our first one. So, we’ll keep digging.”

Surprising: After starting from the rear of the field due to an engine change, AJ Allmendinger quietly finished the race in the 17^th spot. And with that finish, the driver of the No. 47 Kingsford Charcoal Chevrolet sustained his fifth position in the point standings.

Not Surprising: Jeff Gordon finally rebounded to finish top-10 after his rough finishes in the first three races of the season. The driver of the No. 24 Drive to End Hunger Chevrolet also inched up in the point standings from 30^th to 25^th.

“It was a really great team effort,” Gordon said. “A nice job in the pits. We had a decent race car and we showed that as we got track position.”

“It certainly wasn’t easy, but I’m real proud of everybody,” Gordon continued. “There at the end it was just kind of a judgment call whether to come in and take tires or not.”

“As it turned out that might not have worked in our favor, but hey some of those are going to go your way and some of those aren’t.”

The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series finishes up the final of the three races in the West Coast swing next weekend at Auto Club Speedway.

March 15, 2015