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  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano took charge after a late restart and cruised to the win in the Hollywood Casino 400 at Kansas.

    “I’ve already qualified for the next Chase round,” Logano said. “Some other driver lost tire pressure. Me? I just lost ‘pressure.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered a blown front tire on lap 165 that sent him into the wall, a fate suffered by several Cup contenders. He finished 36th.

    “A lot of Chase drivers, including myself, are dreaming of that championship,” Keselowski said. “Who doesn’t dream of the trophy and the accompanying ring? Unfortunately, at Kansas, talk of fingers quickly turned to talk of ‘tows.’”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch won his sixth Nationwide Series race of the year on Saturday and scored a third in the Hollywood Casino 400 on Sunday. He is third in the points standings, six out of first.

    “I’m thrilled with third,” Busch said. “Kansas is traditionally a track at which I’ve struggled. Usually, I’m the one that ‘hits a wall’ at Kansas, not the true legitimate Cup contenders.”

    4. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished 14th on an otherwise disastrous day for Hendrick Motorsports, as Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 39th and 40th, respectively.

    “Sunday’s race was the Hollywood Casino 400,” Gordon said. “If you put Clint Bowyer in a casino at the roulette wheel, it’s a sure thing he’ll spin.”

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards, the lone Roush Fenway Racing driver still in the Chase, finished fifth in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I’m third in the points standings,” Edwards said. “That’s my best position of the year. My best position of the next year will be in the No. 19 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota.”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was spun by Greg Biffle on lap 85, sending him hard into the inside retaining wall. Johnson finished 40th.

    “The points were reset after the Dover race,” Johnson said. “And Chad Knaus would agree with that fact 100%, because I can’t tell you how many times he’s sworn everybody is on a level playing ground.”

    7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: While leading midway through the race, Earnhardt blew a right-front tire and slammed the wall. The damage sent him to the garage and he eventually finished 39th.

    “Let’s just hope the people of ‘E-Nation’ don’t become the people of ‘Elimi-Nation,’” Earnhardt said.

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won his seventh pole of the year and led 61 laps on his way to a 12th-place finish at Kansas.

    “My seven poles have resulted in only one win,” Harvick said. “Obviously, I’m not that adept at closing the deal. If you ask Richard Childress, he’ll say I’m good at closing out a deal.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 13th at Kansas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch finished third. Kenseth is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 17 out of first.

    “We’re headed to Talladega in two weeks,” Kenseth said. “And four drivers will be eliminated afterwards. I didn’t think it was possible, but the ‘Big One’ got even bigger.

    “I hear Michael Waltrip is still alive on ‘Dancing With The Stars.’ And he’s finally able to admit he has a partner.”

    10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Kansas, and now has two seconds, a third, and a sixth in the last four races.

    “Yet I’m barely old enough to drink a ‘fifth,’” Larson said.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon was running second early at Atlanta when he blew a tire, sending him into the wall. He fell two laps down, but battled back to regain the lead lap and finished 17th.

    “It was ‘The Night The Air Went Out In Georgia,’” Gordon said. “I didn’t see a squirrel on the track, but I do believe I heard a snake. It went, ‘Sssssssssss.’”

    2. Joey Logano: A week after winning at Bristol, Logano finished 14th in the Oral-B USA 500. He is now fourth in the points standings, 81 out of first.

    “Our performance was a far cry from that at Bristol,” Logano said. “If I’m ‘Sliced Bread’ in winning at Bristol, then I must be ‘Loaf Bread’ finishing 14th at Atlanta.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt just missed a top-10 finish at Atlanta with an 11th. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 21 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Sunday night’s race was called the ‘Oral-B USA 500.’ I think a better name would have been the ‘Mouth Of The South.’

    “But is it a good idea for dental health awareness in NASCAR? I see a conflict of interest with NASCAR’s ‘Drive For Diversity’ program, because good dental hygiene encourages ‘whiteness.’”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Atlanta, as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kasey Kahne won for the first time this season, locking up a spot in the Chase For The Cup. Johnson is sixth in the points standings.

    “What a great run by Kahne,” Johnson said. “Now, all four Hendrick drivers are in the Chase. Kasey went from ‘Chase bubble’ to ‘Chase bubbly,’ because we celebrated with champagne.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski night in Atlanta ended with 28 laps remaining after a collision with Josh Wise. Keselowski finished 39th, and is fifth in the points standings, 90 out of first.

    “I ran right into the back of Wise’s No. 98 Chevrolet,” Keselowski said. “It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been called a ‘Wise-ass.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth gained the lead with a two-tire pit stop on the final caution, but couldn’t hold off Kasey Kahne, who took four tires. Kenseth finished second, falling short of his first win, but still clinched a spot in the Chase.

    “Squirrels sightings aside,” Kenseth said, “Kahne ‘skunked’ me on that restart.

    “My wife and I released an anti-bullying children’s book called ‘Race Against Bullying.’ Some drivers I know have a track record of bullying. In fact, if bullying were a race, Carl Edwards would have the track record.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was squeezed behind Paul Menard in a late restart at Atlanta, and found the wall after contact with Menard and Joey Logano. Harvick finished 19th.

    “I nearly hit a squirrel crossing the track early in the race,” Harvick said. “That wasn’t my last encounter with an animal nuisance. It looked like Menard was playing possum on the late restart.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards scored his sixth top five of the season with a fifth at Atlanta. He is seventh in the points standings, 117 out of first.

    “Luckily,” Edwards said, “I’ve already locked up a spot in the postseason. I can tell you, it’s one thing to be ‘Chased,’ it’s another to be ‘pursued.’ Joe Gibbs Racing really wanted me, and ironically, they did back flips to get me.”

    9. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his ninth top-10 result of the year with a seventh in the Oral-B USA 500. He can clinch a spot in the Chase with a finish of 41st or better next week at Richmond (assuming there is a repeat winner).

    “I could go to Richmond,” Newman said, “not win, and still make the Chase For The Cup. And that’s fine with me. It may not be official, but my slogan at Richmond will be, ‘Virginia is for losers.’”

    10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne passed Matt Kenseth on the final restart and held on for the win in the Oral-B USA 500 in Atlanta. Kahne was previously leading, and seemingly on his way to the win, when a tangle between Kyle Busch and Ryan Truex brought out a caution.

    “I’m not sure what those clowns were doing,” Kahne said. “But once again, we’ve seen the worst of Kyle Busch. There’s only one thing that gets the best of Kyle, and that’s his frustrations.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started second at Bristol but encountered handling issues that left him mid-pack for much of the race. He finished 16th, one lap down, and leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 27 over Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “We’re disappointed for sure,” Gordon said. “But on the bright side, we’ve procured sponsorship from 3M, which was previously in a ten-year relationship with Greg Biffle. It was a mutually beneficial relationship for the Biff and 3M, and that’s good. Take it from me, not all ten-year relationships end on good terms.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano zipped past Matt Kenseth with 44 laps to go and held off Brad Keselowski to win the Irwin Tools Night Race at Bristol. It was Logano’s third win of the year and solidified his status as a true Cup contender.

    “Hey,” Logano said, “I don’t mind being called ‘the man to beat.’ Mostly because it’s the only time I’m called a ‘man.’”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt hit Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 car, which was spun by Kevin Harvick, and suffered serious damage that sent him to the garage. He finished 39th,

    “Hamlin’s car just ripped the left side of my car off,” Earnhardt said. “I’ll quote a Michael Waltrip Racing driver and say ‘A Toyota ruined my day.’

    “Hamlin may want revenge on Harvick, but I don’t. Those who know me well know I’m a good-natured guy just looking for a good time. So, you could say both Denny and I have a reason to ‘Get Happy.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second to Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano in the Irwin Tools Night Race, as the Penske stable swept all three races as Bristol. Keselowski won the Craftsman Trucks race, while Ryan Blaney took the Nationwide victory.

    “I think this weekend proves that Penske Racing is the best team in NASCAR,” Keselowski said. “And that’s not just a ‘sweeping’ generalization.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame two early pit road speeding penalties and posted a solid fourth, his seventh top-five result of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, 119 out of first.

    “I was back in the familiar blue Lowe’s paint scheme at Bristol,” Johnson said. “I just feel faster in that paint scheme. Unfortunately, the only thing we ‘blue’ by at Bristol were the pit road timers.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth held the lead late at Bristol, but succumbed to the charges of Joey Logano, who passed Kenseth with 44 laps remaining. Kenseth settled for third, his ninth top five of the year.

    “I couldn’t keep him away,” Kenseth said. “By ‘him,’ I’m not referring to Logano, but Carl Edwards. He’ll be joining Joe Gibbs Racing next year. I guess I’ll welcome him with open arms. I assume he’ll welcome me with a closed fist.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards took seventh at Bristol as all three Roush Fenway drivers posted top-10 finishes, with Ricky Stenhouse Jr. leading the way with a sixth.

    “I’m off to Joe Gibbs Racing at season’s end,” Edwards said. “I’ll be in the No. 19 Toyota. Starting with a new team is never easy, but I’m getting a raise, of course. As they say, ‘Change is good.’ As I say, ‘More change is better.’”

    “And speaking of ‘throws,’ Hamlin’s was nothing compared to the ‘pitch’ Joe Gibbs Racing gave me.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 13th at Bristol, and is 14th in the Sprint Cup points standings with two races before the Chase.

    “I wouldn’t think of throwing my HANS device at another driver,” Newman said. “However, I’d certainly throw a hands device at another driver. It’s called a ‘fist.’ Just ask Juan Montoya.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the pole at Bristol and led 75 laps on his way to an 11th-place finish. Harvick faced the wrath of Denny Hamlin after wrecking the No. 11 car.

    “Hamlin threw his HANS device at me,” Harvick said. “I guess that means I’ll ‘catch hell.’ Ironically, Hamlin showed ‘restraint.’ I’m not sure what Denny threw harder—his HANS device, or a tantrum.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch recorded his sixth top-5 result of the year with a fifth at Bristol. With one victory this year, Busch has already locked up his spot in the Chase.

    “Tempers were flaring at Bristol,” Busch said. “Denny Hamlin flung his HANS device at Kevin Harvick. In case you’re wondering, the HANS device is a head and neck restraint system. Personally, I’ve tested several head and neck restraints, and the HANS is by far my favorite. My least favorite is a Tony Stewart headlock.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th at Watkins Glen after an untimely late caution cost him any chance of winning. He passed Jeff Gordon to take over the lead in the Sprint Cup points standings, and now leads Gordon by four.

    “Let me point out,” Earnhardt said, “that at this point, points don’t mean much. Have I made my point?

    “It was a crazy day at Watkins Glen. A.J. Allmendinger proved that a one-car team can compete with the multi-car teams. Chances are that the ‘Dinger’ will be with a big-time team in the future. Instead of losing a ride, he’ll be pimping one.”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won the pole at Watkins Glen but faltered late after electrical issues sabotaged his chances. He eventually finished 34th and now trails Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by four in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “There’s only one word to describe how you feel sitting in a car suffering from electrical issues,” Gordon said. “Powerless.

    “The weekend started on a high note. I won the pole on my son Leo’s birthday, and he couldn’t be happier. And can you blame him? What other adolecent has a Coors Lite Pole Award in his bedroom? Besides Kurt Busch?”

    3. Brad Keselowski: A promising start at Watkins Glen soured for Keselowski after brake issues relegated him to a 23rd-place finish, five laps down.

    “I’d rather have trouble stopping,” Keselowski said, “than trouble ‘going,’ which is a problem 72-year-old Morgan Shepherd deals with on a daily basis. At least that’s what Joey Logano tells me.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson had a solid finish in sight before a spin on a lap 80 restart sent him hurtling back in the field. He finished a disappointing 28th.

    “Sunday’s race was stopped twice so repairs could be made after accidents,” Johnson said. “Chad Knaus radioed me during the delays and asked, ‘How’s the track look?’ I replied, ‘It’s fixed.’ And I fully expect that statement to be taken out of context.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen and remains winless on the year. He is third in the points standings, 70 behind Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “Unless I can find a win in the next four races,” Kenseth said, “I’ll be starting at the bottom when the Chase For The Cup starts. Where my wins total is concerned, ‘V’ is for ‘void.’

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Watkins Glen, recording his 12th top 10 of the year.

    “Allmendinger ran a heck of a race,” Logano said. “I guess the competition was a lot like drug problems—he put it behind him.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished fifth at Watkins Glen, posting his fifth top-five result of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 115 out of first.

    “I had a good view of the A.J. Allmendinger-Marcos Ambrose battle,” Edwards said. “Allmendinger obviously knew the track well. He’s certainly done his homework. There’s probably only one circuit he knows better than Watkins Glen, and that’s the road to recovery.

    “It was a great day for the Cheez-It brand. They sponsored the race, as well as my No. 99 car. If the race in Sonoma is attended by the ‘wine and cheese’ crowd, then fans at the Glen should be called the ‘wino and Cheez-It’ crowd.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman crashed heavily with 34 laps to go at Watkins Glen, smashing a fence and causing the race to be stopped for over an hour while repairs were made. Newman finished 41st, 35 laps off the pace.

    “Race officials raised more red flags than the Mayfield family,” Newman said. “And I’m not happy with safety at the Watkins Glen track. It seems track officials need a crash course in safety.”

    “My former teammate Rusty Wallace was recently inducted into the Motorsports Hall Of Fame. I don’t know who told Rusty to ‘Go to Hall,’ but it sure as Hell wasn’t me.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Watkins Glen, posting his 11th top-10 result of the year.

    “Was God on AJ Allmendinger’s side at Watkins Glen?” Harvick said. “It certainly looked that way. If He was, AJ should change his name to ‘Amendinger.’”

    10. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger repelled the challenges of Marcos Ambrose on two late restarts to win the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen. The win guaranteed Allmendinger a spot in the Chase For The Cup.

    “Kimberly-Clarke Corporation renewed their sponsorship of my car,” Allmendinger said, “making the weekend even more satisfying for car owner Brad Daugherty and myself. Kimberly-Clarke produces the Kleenex, Scott, Viva, and Cottonelle brands, and that means Sunday was a great day for white paper and black hillbillies.

    “Of course, this doesn’t mean I’m a ‘paper’ champion. It does mean I’m well equipped to wipe up the competition.”

  • Roush Fenway Gets Another Hit

    Roush Fenway Gets Another Hit

    Things are not rosy at Roush Fenway Racing. Lately, they’ve lost their top driver to apparently Joe Gibbs Racing, and today they lost 3M as a primary sponsor on the No. 16 Ford of Greg Biffle. The performance has been putrid at best all year even though Carl Edwards has two wins, but Biffle and Ricky Stenhouse Jr. have not had the performance that a top team should have. That is cruel, but fact. Biffle had a good day at Pocono last week, but that’s been pretty much it for this season. Stenhouse is a former Nationwide Series champion, but it has not transferred to the Cup series. It has to be the cars, and that’s a really big problem for RFR.

    Stealing sponsors is nothing new, but Gibbs and Hendrick are very good at it. It’s kind of like the rich get richer is true. Yeah, it is business, as they like to say, but there seems to be a big target on RFR and those who are running better have determined to make sure they don’t come back to prominence. Baseball does it all the time at the trade deadline, of course. Teams trade players to non-contenders and never to contenders. At the waiver deadline, teams claim players so that other teams cannot get them. It’s just business.

    That said, you have to image the mood over at Roush Fenway—Ford’s top team for years. Roger Penske, the gentleman he is, said that he would never take a driver or sponsor from a fellow Ford team. In fact, Penske has a kept a professional attitude toward all teams. For some reason, non-Ford teams seem to like to pick on Jack Roush. He’s an easy target now. It’s easy to pick on the guy who is down. It happens. Now, it’s up to Roush. If he gets his teams back to being competitive, things might turn around, but teams must always remember that if you stumble, there are two giants waiting to grab your drivers and sponsors.

    RFR has had more success than either Gibbs or especially Richard Childress Racing in 2014; RCR has no wins. That may change now as a down on their luck organization is faced with a lame duck driver, minimal sponsorship, and a down year. It would be good if they could rise like the Phoenix and make some noise, but I don’t see it and that is bad for the sport.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt used a no-tire pit stop to take the lead and subdued the challenge of Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the GoBowling.Com 400 at Pocono. The victory completed Earnhardt’s season sweep at the “Tricky Triangle” and was his third win of the year.

    “That’s the first season sweep at Pocono since Denny Hamlin’s in 2006,” Earnhardt said. “Normally, I would celebrate with a broom, but I can’t. I developed an aversion to brooms when I discovered that Teresa Earnhardt rode them.

    “The fans of Junior Nation will certainly party. I’m not sure they’re that into bowling, though. They couldn’t tell you anything about PBA, but they sure know a lot about PBR.”

    2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led a race-high 63 laps at Pocono but fell victim to lack of track position and some untimely cautions, finishing sixth. He remains atop the Sprint Cup points standings with a 17-point lead over Dale Earnhardt Jr.

    “Junior’s No. 88 car had the name ‘Michael Baker’ all over it,” Gordon said. “That had to be a new experience for Earnhardt. It’s not often people see the No. 88 car and have to ask, ‘Who is that?’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived an unlucky day at Pocono, salvaging a 23rd-place finish, one lap down to the leaders. Keselowski damaged the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford with after contact with Kurt Busch on lap two, then was an unwilling participant in the lap 117 “Big One.”

    “Thanks, Kurt Busch,” Keselowski said. “Just like the last race at Pocono, I had a run-in with a ‘piece of trash.’”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered two blown tires, the last of which sent him into the wall, ending his day at Pocono on lap 111. He finished 39th, 49 laps down.

    “We’ve had our share of tires issues this season,” Johnson said. “It’s not a big deal to us. That’s called ‘underinflating’ the severity of an issue, just the opposite of what Goodyear thinks.

    “We’ve finished 39th or worse in three of the last five races. But don’t count us out once the Chase starts. Chad Knaus has a lot of things up his sleeve, including a sandbag of tricks.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was collected in a lap 117 pileup triggered when Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin got loose, causing Brian Vickers to check up and create mayhem behind him. Thirteen cars were involved in the accident and Kenseth finished 38th.

    “It was the GoBowling.Com 400,” Kenseth said, “and I’d like to pin the blame on Hamlin. But congratulations go to Dale Earnhardt Jr. He deserves to celebrate, not in Victory Lane, but in Victory Alley.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano led 30 laps and posted a strong third-place finish at Pocono, earning his eighth top-five of the year. He is seventh in the points standings, 124 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Richard Petty was the grand marshal for the GoBowling.Com 400,” Logano said. “In the Poconos, they call that being the ‘King Of The Mountain.’

    “I’ve always had a ton of respect for Petty. Now I’ve got even more after realizing he raced against Morgan Shepherd for over 20 years and lived to tell about it.”

    7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished a disappointing 29th at Pocono as Dale Earnhardt Jr. raced to the win. He is eighth in the points standings, 139 out of first.

    “I’m going to blame this on a preoccupation with thoughts of where I’ll be driving next year,” Edwards said. “As was evident at Pocono, my mind was racing, but I wasn’t.”

    8. Ryan Newman: Once again, Newman was solid for Richard Childress Racing, taking eighth in the GoBowling.Com 400.

    “It was an otherwise tough day for RCR,” Newman said. “Austin Dillon finished 15th while Paul Menard finished 33rd, under Tony Stewart’s No. 14 after that big wreck on lap 117. I hear it’s no fun looking up and seeing Stewart on top of you. But at least Tony was awake.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Dale Earnhardt Jr. for three laps after the final restart at Pocono, but couldn’t get around the No. 88 car. Harvick settled for second, his fourth runner-up finish of the year.

    “After a pit road speeding penalty and damage from the lap 117 wreck,” Harvick said, “I was ‘Happy’ to be in that position.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fourth in the GoBowling.Com 400, boosting his Chase For The Cup chances with five races left until the playoffs. He stands ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 140 out of first.

    “No team needs a win more than Michael Waltrip Racing,” Bowyer said. “I think all we need is a lively pep talk from Michael. And I think that should work. Everybody knows Michael makes a great cheerleader.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon overcame damage in an early wreck at Daytona and finished 12th, maintaining the points lead. He leads Dale Earnhardt Jr. by 27, as Hendrick drivers occupy the top three spots.

    “It was all about survival,” Gordon said, “and I survived. ‘It’s called survival, only the strong can survive.’ And that may be the first and last time a NASCAR driver quotes Grand Master Flash.

    “And speaking of NASCAR and rappers, I haven’t seen 50 Cent around lately. That may be because Erin Andrews told him to kiss off.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was caught in a lap 20 wreck that ended his day with a 42nd-place finish, his worst of the year. He is third in the points standings, 55 out of first.

    “What a day for Aric Almirola,” Johnson said. “Richard Petty made the 43 car famous; Almirola made it relevant, at least on Sunday. That makes Aric ‘King’ for a day. And he’ll be in the news consistently for the coming week. So, that makes Aric a loyal subject.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 14th at Daytona, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 27 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I was looking for the Daytona sweep,” Earnhardt said. “Unfortunately, there wasn’t a broom in sight—only mops.

    “That’s probably one of the wettest weeks of racing at Daytona. The rain affected everything: practice, qualifying, and the race. But it was business as usual for Junior Nation in the Daytona infield—-their alcohol consumption dictates that they’re never dry.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished a lap down in 18th in the Coke Zero 400. Kesekowski’s No. 2 Chevy was one of 25 cars affected by a lap 97 pile-up that forced a red flag.

    “I’m not sure who started that mess,” Keselowski said, “but I’d like to punch them. Hopefully, should I open up a can of whoop ass, somebody else will bleed, and not me.”

    5. Carl Edwards: Edwards found trouble early at Daytona, becoming one of several cars involved in a lap 20 wreck started when Roush Fenway teammate Ricky Stenhouse Jr. got loose. Edwards eventually finished 37th, 46 laps down.

    “Tony Stewart was not happy with Stenhouse,” Edwards said. “He called him an ‘idiot.’ Trust me, you don’t want to be in Tony Stewart’s doghouse. It’s way too crowded in there.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took 20th at Daytona in a race won by Aric Almirola’s No. 43 Richard Petty Motorsports car. Kenseth, still winless on the year, is fifth in the points standings, 71 out of first.

    “What a win for Almirola,” Kenseth said. “It’s always wide open when there’s a restrictor plate race. And when they say ‘anybody’ can win, what they really mean is a ‘nobody’ can win.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th in a crash-filled Coke Zero 400 that left only 17 cars on the lead lap. He is now sixth in the points standings, 105 out of first.

    “My teammate Brad Keselowski had the cut on his hand glued together,” Logano said. “And I believe it’s made him a better driver, because now he’s even more skilled at operating a ‘stick shift.’

    “My car was leaving a trail of debris late in the race. As a result, I was black-flagged. That’s similar to my dad being black-listed.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 28th after being collected in lap 97’s “Big One,” which involved no less than 25 cars and left Busch’s No. 18 Toyota upside down.

    “Jeremy Mayfield would call that a ‘roofie,’” Busch said, “or a ‘downer.’ Luckily, the tow truck was there quickly to turn me over. Mayfield would call that an ‘upper.’

    “It was certainly a wild ride, and reminded me of that fateful day in Iredell County, North Carolina back in May of 2011. In that case, it wasn’t the ‘Big One’ that forced me into the grass on the side of the road, but a State Trooper.”

    9. Aric Almirola: Almirola captured the rain-shortened Coke Zero 400, placing the No. 43 car in winner’s circle for the first time since 1999. The win came almost 30 years to the day of Richard Petty’s 200th and final NASCAR victory.

    “It was a great day for ‘The King,’” Almirola said. “And Prince, too, because we’re gonna party like it’s 1999.

    “I won $377,176 in prize money. I think I could win another weather-shortened race, or be a big-time player at the strip club, because with that kind of cash, you can really ‘make it rain.’”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick suffered damage in the first of two “Big Ones” in the Coke Zero 400. He eventually finished 39th after completing just 46 laps.

    “Haas Automation became an official sponsor of Ferrari’s Formula 1 through the 2015 season,” Harvick said. “Gene Haas is an astute business man, and the timing of this deal is perfect. Before forming a partnership with Ferrari’s ‘Prancing Horse,’ he got into business with Tony Stewart’s ‘Ranting Donkey.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, winner of three of the last four races, posted a seventh at Sonoma, his 11th top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 20 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “I didn’t win,” Johnson said, “but my rivals are nervous nonetheless. Anytime you say ‘Jimmie Johnson’ and ‘seventh’ in the same sentence, people are intimidated, or should I say ‘inJimmiedated.”

    2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Two weeks after winning at Michigan, Earnhardt posted a third-place finish in the Toyota/SaveMart 350, as Hendrick Motorsports placed all four drivers in the top seven.

    “I have to apologize for wrecking Matt Kenseth,” Earnhardt said. “I’m pretty sure Matt will accept an apology. Why? Because he’s used to ‘taking’ it.”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished second to Carl Edwards at Sonoma, as Hendrick Motorsports five-race winning streak ended. Gordon leads the Sprint Cup points standings with a 20-point cushion on Jimmie Johnson.

    “’I let Edwards get away,’” Gordon said. “That’s my Jack Roush impression, not my take on the final lap at Sonoma.

    “You may have noticed our new sponsor, Panasonic, on the No. 24 car. For once, a driver can say he’s got an ‘electronic issue’ and it’s not a bad thing. Joe Gibbs may put Japanese in the car; Hendrick puts it on it.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead with 25 laps to go at Sonoma and held off Jeff Gordon to claim his first road course victory.

    “Roush Fenway was shut out at Michigan,” Edwards said. “Who would have thought we’d turn things around on a road course? But you can always count on Jack Roush to have something up his sleeve, except new contracts.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled in the Toyota SavMart 350, fighting handling issues all day on his way to a 22nd. He is fifth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

    “It was a tough day for the No. 2 Alliance Truck Parts Ford,” Keselowski said. “Sadly, though, we needed car parts, not truck parts.

    “The car’s handling was a nightmare. Nothing we tried worked. One of my pit crewmen made so many wedge adjustments, he developed a wrist injury. Aerodynamically, he’s fine, but he will need some carpal tunnel testing.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was wrecked on lap 74 when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. jumped a curb and rammed the back of Kenseth’s No. 20 Home Depot Toyota. Kenseth is currently fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 65 out of first.

    “When you’re surrounded by a pile of useless tires,” Kenseth said, “you know you’re in trouble, or Hoosier is your tire manufacturer.

    “We’re losing Home Depot as a sponsor at season’s end. I guess that makes them the ‘Away Depot.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 16th at Sonoma on a tough day for Penske Motorsports, as teammate Brad Keselowski managed only a 22nd. Logano is now seventh in the points standings, 97 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “Our boss won’t be happy,” Logano said. “Ask him his opinion of our performance, and he certainly won’t ‘Roger’ that.

    “They say Sonoma is wine country, but they also drink beer in this road course haven. I think they make it from ‘wheel hops.’”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th at Sonoma after the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Chevy was collected when Clint Bowyer suffered a flat tire and stopped in the middle of the track.

    “I’m not surprised,” Harvick said. “From what I hear, ’parking’ is an issue at all NASCAR races.”

    9. Paul Menard: Menard finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his third top-five result of the year.

    “In the absence of Kevin Harvick,” Menard said, “I’ve taken over as a leader for Richard Childress Racing. And we haven’t missed a beat. That’s because we get ‘beat’ every week.”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th at Sonoma as Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard took fifth. Newman is eighth in the points standings, 107 out of first.

    “Our highest finish this year is a seventh,” Newman said, “which we’ve accomplished three times. I’m not sure if we can win with this car. We lack the speed of the Hendrick engines. It says ‘Caterpillar’ on my car; it also says ‘Caterpillar’ on the speedometer.”

  • The Final Word – Why Can’t NASCAR on TV Always be Like Sonoma?

    The Final Word – Why Can’t NASCAR on TV Always be Like Sonoma?

    It was a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Interesting race, a few surprises, great topography and scenery, and top notch announcing. What was not to like?

    If you were Carl Edwards, not much. He came on strong over the final quarter of the race at Sonoma to march off with his 23rd career victory, and his second of the season. It marked his first win on a road course, and it ended a string of five straight wins by Team Hendrick. Well, barely, considering that Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr were contenders all day to conclude things in the Top Three. Jamie McMurray and Paul Menard put some spark into their seasons with Top Fives. Jimmie Johnson had a Top Ten, for those who do not things to change too much from week to week.

    Matt Kenseth got the biggest surprise, when Junior bounced off a curb to clip him into the tire barrier. That tore the front end, radiator included, off his beast to leave him steaming. The driver, Kenseth, not the car. Didn’t I mention the radiator was no longer attached? 42nd was his fate.

    Junior also managed to lay a late touch on A.J. Allmendinger, who then spun to get hit by Kasey Kahne and Brian Vickers to tear up his front end. A.J. went from a contender to finish 37th, and probably burned his Junior Nation t-shirt afterwards.

    Kevin Harvick had a car to beat, and beat it he did when he got squeezed into Clint Bowyer’s spun car. Happy wasn’t, as his hopes faded to leave him 20th on the day. Notice that Earnhardt had nothing to do with that one.

    Danica Patrick finished 18th, just ahead of Tony Stewart, ahead of Brad Keselowski, Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin, and Kyle Larson. That should give you some indication as to how lousy the day was for those boys.

    Now, I would truly love to be a big Danica supporter, but despite her experience, her quality equipment, her lucrative sponsorship, and a loyal fan base, she just does not matter most weeks. To find her on the charts, you usually start at about 25th and look a few spots either way. Sunday was a good day, for her. Even great open wheelers have had trouble making the transition, and while she was popular, she was not great. Still, at 32, I guess there is still time.

    Time to turn our attention to this Saturday night, where Kentucky hosts just its fourth Cup event. Kyle, Keselowski, and Kenseth have won the first trio and I would expect them somewhere near the front again this year. Also, do not be surprised to see a Mr. Gordon or a Mr. Johnson up there close, as they have been the past three years. They have not yet won there, but Saturday has not yet arrived, so that could change.

    Change, like Home Depot leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and that same owner possibly about to welcome Edwards to the fold. Yet, not all things change. Check out the top of our leader board.

    SWEET SIXTEEN
    1 – Jimmie Johnson – 3 WINS (560 Pts)
    2 – Dale Earnhardt, Jr. – 2 (555)
    3 – Carl Edwards – 2 (509)
    4 – Joey Logano – 2 (483)
    5 – Kevin Harvick – 2 (472)
    6 – Jeff Gordon – 1 (580)
    7 – Brad Keselowski – 1 (512)
    8 – Kyle Busch – 1 (465)
    9 – Denny Hamlin – 1 (453)
    10 – Kurt Busch – 1 (347)
    11 – Matt Kenseth – 515 POINTS
    12 – Ryan Newman – 473
    13 – Kyle Larson – 470
    14 – Paul Menard – 459
    15 – Clint Bowyer – 452
    16 – Greg Biffle – 444

    CONTENDERS & PRETENDERS
    17 – Kasey Kahne – 429
    18 – Tony Stewart – 427
    19 – Austin Dillon – 427
    20 – Jamie McMurray – 425
    21 – Brian Vickers – 424
    22 – Marcos Ambrose – 407
    23 – Aric Almirola – 400
    24 – A.J. Allmendinger – 391
    25 – Casey Mears – 373
    26 – Martin Truex, Jr. – 360
    27 – Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. – 320
    28 – Danica Patrick – 299
    29 – Justin Allgaier – 280
    30 – Michael Annett – 249
    31 – David Gilliland – 232
    32 – Cole Whitt – 228

     

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took the win at Michigan, snatching his third win in the last four races. It was his first win at Michigan, and he is now second in the points standings.

    “That’s right,” Johnson said. “My first win at Michigan. And that just goes to show that you can’t underestimate my greatness—in one race, I scored two ‘firsts.’

    “It was a Happy Father’s Day, at least for me. And what a great way to celebrate, with a win. The congratulations have been overwhelming. It’s been ‘mad props’ for the ‘glad pops.’”

    2. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his tenth top-10 result of the year. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 23 behind Jeff Gordon.

    “You probably heard I left Ryan Newman at the airport,” Earnhardt said. “I call that ‘left behind,’ and so did Newman, when he told me to kiss a certain butt cheek.

    “By the way, Ryan’s phone has a new ring tone—Simple Minds’ ‘Don’t You Forget About Me.’”

    3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started second at Michigan and led 36 laps on his way to a sixth at Michigan.

    “That’s five wins in a row for Hendrick Motorsports,” Gordon said, “and sixth on the year. NASCAR hasn’t seen a run of dominance like this since Tim Richmond’s S&M phase. Here are some interesting ratios: Three of four Hendrick drivers have won six of 15 races. And one of four Hendrick drivers is Kasey Kahne.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Michigan following two straight runner-up finishes, at Dover and Pocono. He is fifth in the points standings, 47 out of first.

    “I won in Las Vegas,” Keselowski said, “and haven’t won since. I guess it’s true what they say: ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.’”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Still seeking his first win of the season, Kenseth finished 14th in the Quicken Loans 400.

    “I had seven wins last year,” Kenseth said, “and didn’t win the championship. By that rationale, I’m well on pace to win the Cup this year. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. As for now, my ‘Victory Circle’ is a zero.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano started ninth and finished ninth at Michigan, recording his eighth top-10 finish of the year. He moved up two spots in the points standings to seventh, 83 out of first.

    “I’d like to wish my dad a Happy Fathers’ Day,” Logano said. “I’m sure most people at the track feel the same about him as they do about Fathers’ Day—-they’re glad it only shows up only once a year.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Michigan and finished second to Jimmie Johnson. It was Harvick’s fourth runner-up this season, and left him quite irritable.

    “Some people say my frustration from four runner-up finishes this year is boiling over,” Harvick said. “Well, I would ‘second’ their opinion.”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled at Michigan, finishing 23rd, one lap down, as Roush Fenway cars failed to crack the top 15. Edwards is now sixth in the points standings, 75 out of first.

    “We Roush Fenway drivers consider Michigan our home track,” Edwards said. “Ironically, our performance there leaves us home sick.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished eight at Michigan, posting his seventh top 10 of the year. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 83 out of first.

    “My girlfriend and I are expecting a child in December,” Larson said. “I’ll likely be NASCAR’s Rookie Of The Year and a father soon. So, as you’d expect for a young, up-and-coming superstar driver, things are happening ‘fast.’”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 15th in the Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, as Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard took fourth.

    “I missed a flight to Michigan because Dale Earnhardt Jr. just forgot about me,” Newman said. “I called Junior and told him I was standing on the runway, waiting for my ride. That joker replied, ‘What are you doing? ‘Taxi-ing?’”