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Tag: Kasey Kahne

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Despite being collected in a spin initiated by Tony Stewart and finishing 12th, Johnson increased his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. He now leads Carl Edwards by 43.

    “My points lead is so big,” Johnson said, “only a NASCAR inspection could do anything about it.

    “I got ‘Smoked;’ now, I’m ‘Steamed.’ Stewart may be a three-time Cup champion, but judging by his performance this year, I’m not sure I want any of him ‘rubbing off’ on me.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished sixth at Richmond, posting his fifth top-10 result of the year. He jumped four spots to second in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 43.

    “How about Matt Kenseth and his connecting rods?” Edwards said. “NASCAR says they didn’t weigh enough. I would tend to agree, because I’ve known Kenseth was a lightweight for years.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt scored his first top-10 finish in the month of April with a 10th in the Toyota Owners 400. He is third in the point standings, 46 out of first.

    “It was wild at Richmond International Speedway,” Earnhardt said. “There were nut shots, fights, and arrests. It reminded me of Mother’s Day with Teresa.

    “I may be a ‘Junior,’ but I wouldn’t stoop so low as to kick a competitor in the balls. If I’m going to kick someone where it hurts, it will be a fan of Junior Nation, in the wallet, at the merchandise stand.”

    4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 113 laps at Richmond and finished second to former teammate Kevin Harvick. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 53 out of first.

    “I was the top Toyota finisher,” Bowyer said. “Which means NASCAR will be watching me as intently as I watch Jeff Gordon.

    “In the wake of the Matt Kenseth penalties, Toyota Racing Development recalled three of my engines. Now, Michael Waltrip can say he’s just like an ordinary Toyota owner, because now he’s experienced a recall.”

    5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led a race-high 140 laps at Richmond and finished seventh after a mad green-white-checkered scramble at the finish. It was an impressive result, coming just days after NASCAR levied harsh penalties on the team for illegal parts.

    “I don’t agree with NASCAR’s penalties,” Kenseth said. “I feel they were much too strict with their inspection. In other words, I was ‘screw-tinized.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled at Richmond, finishing 33rd, eight laps down, his worst finish of the season. He is now sixth in the point standings, 59 out of first.

    “It’s good to see NASCAR’s focus on something other than Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “Penalties have become so commonplace, there’s practically no difference in the questions ‘Witch hunt?’ and ‘Which hunt?’”

    “Among kicks in the balls in NASCAR this year, Nelson Piquet, Jr.’s may be the most blatant. Is it a surprise that Piquet’s right foot was in Brian Scott’s crotch? Not really, because it certainly wasn’t on the gas pedal.

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dashed from seventh to first on the chaotic green-white-checkered finish at Richmond, earning him his first win of the season. Harvick took four tires and, after a great restart, easily picked off Jeff Burton to take the lead.

    “I found some extra motivation,” Harvick said. “Some Richard Childress Racing drivers needed a kick in the pants, not in the balls. Of course, I was lucky to win. While Nelson Piquet, Jr.’s may have put one up Brian Scott’s, I pulled “one” out of mine. And it didn’t hurt nearly as much.”

    8. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 21st in the Toyota Owners 400 on a night when only one Hendrick Motorsports driver finished in the top 10. Kahne is tied for third in the point standings, 46 out of first.

    “It was a wild weekend at Richmond,” Kahne said. “Now, I can say the same thing to Nelson Piquet, Jr. that I would say to a lovely Sprint Cup girl: ‘nice rack.’ Between them, my teammates Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon have nine Cups. Hopefully, they can spare one for me to wear.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch’s No. 18 Toyota was damaged when Jimmie Johnson’s No. 48, sent reeling by Tony Stewart, spun into Busch’s path. Busch eventually finished 24th, ending his run of four consecutive spring victories at Richmond.

    “They say good things come in three’s,” Busch said. “But bad things come in two’s, like damaged Busch brother cars at Richmond, Tony Stewart chins, and bruised Brian Scott testicles.”

    10. Greg Biffle: Biffle suffered a broken shock and spun about midway through Saturday’s race. He finished 36th, 15 laps down, and tumbled four spots in the point standings. He is now eighth, 71 out of first.

    “Of all the wild occurrences over the weekend,” Biffle said, “mine was the least shocking. Take it from Brian Scott—a swift kick in the nuts can really cause momentary confusion. Medically, that’s known as a loss of your ball bearings.

    “But Nelson Piquet, Jr. isn’t completely at fault. He made millions of NFL fans happy, because ‘foot-ball’ season came early this year.”

  • Surprising and Not Surprising: Kansas STP 400

    Surprising and Not Surprising: Kansas STP 400

    In a week where those impacted by the Boston Marathon bombing were remembered, here is what was surprising and not surprising as NASCAR’s elite visited Kansas Motor Speedway for the 3rd annual STP 400.

    Surprising:  The heartland of Kansas witnessed a driver rebirth of sorts with Matt Kenseth following his own yellow brick road to Victory Lane. And the man behind the wheel of the No. 20 Home Depot/Husky Tools Toyota proclaimed that for him this win was a “dream come true.”

    “You don’t know if or when you’ll ever win again,” Kenseth said. “I’m so thankful to have another win.”

    “This is a dream come true to drive this stuff.”

    Surprisingly, Kenseth, unlike his other Joe Gibbs Racing teammates, dominated the race, starting from the pole and leading the most laps, 163 to be exact.

    Even more surprising, however, was that Kenseth’s dream run came crashing down after a severe penalty was levied on the No. 20 car and team due to having a connecting rod in the engine failing to meet the minimum weight.

    Kenseth’s crew chief Jason Ratcliff was fined $200,000 and suspended for six races, JGR lost 50 owner points and Kenseth lost 50 driver points.

    JGR will of course appeal.

    Not Surprising:  The Kansas curse continued for Kyle Busch, who spun in the early laps and then crashed so hard with Joey Logano that he had to drive his car to the garage backwards before abandoning it to the scrap heap.

    “Absolutely no grip for me,” Busch said. “Spun twice on our own.”

    “Just don’t know what to do with Kansas.”

    Surprising:  Jeff Gordon started dead last in the 43rd position, his worst starting position ever in his career. Yet surprisingly and in spite of having to take the wave around after being trapped in the pits under caution, Gordon was able to battle back for a 13th place finish.

    “We weren’t the best car, but we made some great improvements throughout the weekend,” the driver of the No. 24 Drive to End Hunger Chevrolet, said. “We were able to make our way up through there.”

    “All in all I thought it was a great effort.”

    Not Surprising:  With a team that not only has Boston roots, but one that has also faced a week of difficulties and penalties, it was not a surprise that Brad Keselowski had to dig deep for the Kansas race.

    The driver of the Blue Deuce also had to overcome a great deal of adversity on the track, from early damage to getting lapped. Yet, he persevered to attain a top ten finish, scoring a sixth place in a most eventful race and week.

    “We got ‘Boston Strong’ on the back of this car and that was a good inspiration for this weekend,” Keselowski said. “That was a gritty effort by the 2 team.”

    “A day where you can fight through adversity like we did today and get a solid finish, that kind of is a win.”

    Surprising:  Kasey Kahne surprisingly had his head in the clouds, or at least was wishing for a cloud to come out to assist him in getting around Kenseth at the end of the race. The driver of the No. 5 Farmers Insurance 85th Anniversary Chevrolet finished a close second.

    ”We tightened up a little bit on that final run,” Kahne said. “I just did everything I could.”

    “I needed clouds.”

    Not Surprising:   While this driver may have been disappointed with his continuing runner up finishes, Martin Truex Jr. was well pleased with his fourth place finish at Kansas.

    “Got a lot of questions last week about being second and how I seemed so disappointed and all that,” the driver of the No. 56 NAPA Auto Parts Toyota, said. “This is the complete opposite.”

    “All in all, I’m very happy with fourth place.”

    Surprising:  Two drivers who returned to Cup competition, Sam Hornish Jr. and Elliott Sadler, had surprisingly bad days at the race track, finishing 37th and 40th respectively.

    Hornish Jr. hit Marcos Ambrose so hard during his wreck that he bit the inside of his lip and broke the tach off with his knee.

    “I couldn’t see anything,” Hornish Jr. said. “I just wish we could have done a little better.”

    Sadler, behind the wheel of the No. 81 ALERT Energy Gum Toyota, got loose into turn three and never recovered.

    “The car was kind of darting around on me too quick,” Sadler said. “Just ended a lot shorter than I wanted to.”

    Not Surprising:  While those returning to Cup competition did not fare well, old five time continued his not surprising top-five finishing ways. Jimmie Johnson, driver of the No. 48 Lowes/Kobalt Tools Chevrolet, finished fourth and maintained his top dog spot in the point standings.

    “Everybody worked real hard to get the car right and we had a great race car,” Johnson said. “At times I felt like I had a shot to win but we just didn’t have enough for Matt and Kasey.”

    “A very solid performance for our Kobalt Tools Chevrolet.”

    Surprising:  Danica Patrick endured trash on the track, as well as some trash talking after the race. Patrick’s race was spoiled by some litter that stuck to her grille, causing her water temps to rise and necessitating an unexpected trip to the pits.

    “We had a tire rub at one point and issues with the splitter from some contact we made,” the driver of the No. 10 GoDaddy.com Chevrolet, said. “The trash on the grille was what really hurt us today.”

    But the trash talking after the race was even more interesting after the rookie complained about competitor David Gilliland racing her inappropriately.

    “He tries to take me out every time,” Patrick complained of Gilliland. “I’m coming after him if he does it again.”

    Gilliland in return issued this statement aimed at Patrick through his PR rep, “Shut up and race.”

    Not Surprising:  One Kansas boy, Clint Bowyer, who hails from Emporia, finished nicely in the fifth position at his home track.

    “We needed a turnaround after last week,” Bowyer said. “Certainly you want to win it at home but a good top-five finish is a great way to get things bounced back with our 5-hour Energy Toyota.”

    Surprising:  There were some surprising names amongst the top-ten finishers in the STP 400, including Jamie McMurray in seventh, Aric Almirola in eighth, and Paul Menard in tenth.

    “I honestly thought we had one of the better cars,” McMurray said. “Good job by our team.”

    “It was a good day for us,” Almirola said. “That’s two top-10s two weeks in a row and I’m proud of that.”

    “We’ve got some of the best pits stops in the business,” Menard said. “We always end pretty good.”

    Not Surprising:  In spite of getting trapped in the pits during a caution, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is still trying to maintain a positive attitude as he faced yet another week of not quite getting the finish he wanted or expected. The driver of the No. 88 National Guard Chevrolet finished 15th.

    “We were a lap down and hard to take the wave around,” Junior said. “That put us to the back behind a whole bunch of lead-lap cars and there was no time left.”

    “It’ll come around,” Earnhardt, Jr. continued. “We’ve just got to keep working and stay positive.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third in the STP 400 at Kansas and lengthened his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. He now leads Hendrick teammate Kasey Kahne by 37.

    “That’s a heck of a cushion after eight races,” Johnson said. “If there were debris cautions in the point standings, NASCAR would fly one now

    “Brad Keselowski swears his team did nothing wrong. He gives new meaning to the term ‘defending’ champ. Penske is appealing their punishment, but NASCAR probably won’t change their mind. That ship has sailed, or better yet, that ship has been ‘docked.’”

    2. Kasey Kahne: Kahne posted his fifth top 5 of the year, taking the runner-up spot in the STP 400 at Kansas Motor Speedway. He leaped five places in the point standings to second, where he trails Jimmie Johnson by 37.

    “I just couldn’t make the pass on Matt Kenseth,” Kahne said. “He’s like the NASCAR rule book to Penske Racing—there’s just no getting around it.”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski closed an eventful week with a sixth in the STP 400, overcoming early damage to claim his seventh top-10 finish of the year. Earlier in the week, the No. 2 Miller Lite team was docked 25 points for an unapproved part in Texas.

    “As you may have seen,” Keselowski said, “my rear bumper cover flew off near the end of the race. That’s not the only time my car’s rear end has been ‘uncovered’ lately.

    “I’m sure NASCAR has heard enough me lately. It’s not often NASCAR quotes David Gilliland, but they’d like me to ‘shut up and race.’”

    4. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 19th at Kansas on a tough day for Roush Fenway Racing, as the team failed to produce a top-10 finish. Biffle fell one spot to fourth in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 47.

    “Roger Penske said the team was working in a ‘gray area’ of the rule book,” Biffle said. “Apparently, that’s another area in which NASCAR lacks ‘color.’”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled in the STP 400, spinning twice, the second of which sent him into the wall and sliding into the path of Joey Logano’s No. 22 Penske Ford, which slammed Busch’s Toyota. Both cars were done for the day, and Busch finished 38th, his worst finish this season since a 34th at Daytona.

    “Logano has a ‘nose’ for Joe Gibbs Racing cars,” Busch said. “That’s in stark contrast to his ‘tail’ for NASCAR inspectors.”

    6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 16th at Kansas, his third consecutive finish outside the top 10. After taking the points lead after a runner-up finish at California, Earnhardt is now tied for fifth, 35 out of first.

    “That last caution ruined our chances,” Earnhardt said. “I hate flag waving, unless it’s green, checkered, or done by my fanatical fan base. But I’m not one to complain. I don’t need some two-bit driver to tell me to ‘shut up and race.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth won his second race of the year, capturing the STP 400 after a timely caution flag gave him the lead with about 40 laps to go. He held off Kasey Kahne down the stretch, and is now eighth in the point standings, 59 out of first.

    “Thank goodness for Brad Keselowski’s rear bumper flying off,” Matt Kenseth. “And I commend Keselowski for his defiance. NASCAR throws the book at him, and he throws back! He’s one tough customer. If he were a professional wrestler, he would hail from ‘Parts Unknown.’”

    8. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 19 laps at Kansas but fell a lap down after an untimely caution and finished 17th. He fell one spot to sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 49 out of first.

    “I’m no stranger to having a muscular physique, Edwards said. “And I’m no stranger to losing points due to a failed inspection. You could say I’ve been ‘sculpted’ and ‘busted.’”

    9. Paul Menard: Menard led the Richard Childress Racing charge at Kansas, finishing 10th while teammate Kevin Harvick came home 12th. Menard is now 10th in the point standings, 71 out of the lead.

    “Harvick has an average finish of 16th this season,” Menard said. “On a related note, Jimmy John’s has introduced a new topping for their sandwiches in Kevin’s honor—-it’s called the ‘medi-okra.’”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer posted his fourth top-5 result of the season with a fifth in the STP 400. He is ninth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 64 out of first.

    “David Gilliland did what many of us have wanted to,” Bowyer said. “No, not put Danica in her place, but talk dirty to her.

    “As you may have heard, I just opened the Clint Bowyer Autoplex in Emporia, Kansas. It’s been a dream of mine to own my own car dealership. Let that be a lesson to the youngsters: if you chase your dreams, you may catch them. And, if you chase Jeff Gordon, you may not.”

  • Kenseth Wins From Pole in Second Straight STP 400

    Kenseth Wins From Pole in Second Straight STP 400

    Sunday’s NASCAR Sprint Cup Series (NSCS) STP 400 at Kansas Speedway was won by polesitter Matt Kenseth. This was Kenseth’s second win and the fourth top ten finish for Kenseth since joining Joe Gibbs Racing (JGR). Kenseth lead four times for 163 laps.

    Kenseth held off a hard charging Kasey Kahne by 0.150 seconds in the 3 hour race. “It’s funny, we had a big time softball game last week and we were talking about it a little bit. He’s (Kasey Kahne) finished second to us a couple times. Man, I really thought he had me and our car started getting loose into turn three and I got really loose getting into three with about five (laps) to go. I actually did it twice in a row and thought we were going to get beat.”

    Second Place Kasey Kahne stated that his car felt good all weekend and that they only made a few small changes. Kahne credited the track as being “really fast for our cars.” This was Kahne’s sixth top ten finish in 12 races at Kansas and his fifth top ten in 2013. “I felt really good. I thought we were pretty decent yesterday in practice, so today we started 28th and just had to really had to take our time. I felt the cars were really edgy at the start and took a while. But as the race went on we made some good adjustments, the track rubbered in pretty nicely and we made our way up to the front. It was a good race for us. We were very close at the end battling with Matt. Felt like Vegas all over again. Just kinda of felt like really similar to that in how I could catch him but couldn’t really do anything once I got close. It made my car a little bit looser.”

    Third Place went to five time champion Jimmie Johnson. Johnson posted his 12th top 10 finish in 14 races at Kansas Speedway and maintained his points lead by 37 points over Kahne. “We had a strong performance, solid on pit road. I think Chad’s strategy today was flawless. About two stops from the end we started to get a little tight , and it was the first time I was tight so we probably didn’t react as much as we should have, just trying to  be cautious because the car was so loose at other times in the race. And it just lacked a little bit there at the end,” said Johnson.

    Fourth Place was Martin Truex Jr. “I was so loose going into turn three all day with that wind. I tried everything and the only thing I could do was creep in there nice and straight to the white line. Otherwise, it would just try to spin out. I think some of it was the wind and I think a lot of it is just that it’s a lot warmer today than it was all weekend in practice, ” revealed Truex Jr.

    Fifth Place was Clint Bowyer who says the keys were in track position. “This track is slick, it’s treacherous. You have to stay in track position. I was proud of Brian Pattie, his strategy and the way he called the race was great. Kept us up front for the most part. All those restarts were crazy. It got pretty wild there for me. I slipped up and got loose in and about got into Biffle and ruined our day. All in all, top five finish at home for our 5 hour energy Toyota – I will take it and go on.”

    Ricky Stenhouse Jr. was the highest finishing rookie in 11th.  Stenhouse commented, “It was fun. We started up front, ran up front, lost our track position and then got it back and was able to lead some laps. We pitted under green and it really got us when the caution came out, but, all in all, I think we can take a lot of positives from this weekend. We were fast in practice, fast in qualifying and made the car better through the race and that’s what it’s all about is making your car better throughout the race and I think we did that today. The Zest Ford Fusion was the one to beat there at the end, but we didn’t have the track position to finish it off.”

    The race had eight caution flags for 40 laps with eight leaders and 13 lead changes.  The most notable being an incident involving Kyle Busch and Joey Logano. “I watched the 18. He was spinning out and I saw it the whole time. I saw he got loose and thought, ‘Ok he’s gonna come back across,’ and he didn’t. It looked like he was gonna stay up there because he kind of slapped the wall with the right side after he hit it the first time, so I’m like, ‘Alright, I’m gonna gun it and get by him here,’ and as soon as I committed to that I saw him start coming back down. At that point you’re just lined up to him and hit him a ton. I’m fine. It’s just unfortunate for the AAA guys. They deserve better than that. We were working hard on getting our car better. We weren’t gonna gain many points this weekend, but we were gonna try to rally for the best possible finish we could get out of it. But it’s not good for us “

    Kyle Busch commented, “Spun twice on our own. Just don’t know what to do with Kansas.” When asked about the lack of grip on the surface, Busch responded, “Yeah, absolutely no grip, for me anyways. But, you know you are running third and doing fine, car a little tight and you spin out. I don’t know what to do with that and then we’re back in traffic all day. Traffic is way worse. Just trying to get back up to the front and making some gains, but car just snaps out from under you in every corner.”

    Post race inspection is all clear there were no issues.

    Unofficial Race Results
    STP 400, Kansas Speedway
    http://www.speedwaymedia.com/cup/race.php?race=8
    =========================================
    Pos. St. No. Driver Make Points
    =========================================
    1 1 20 Matt Kenseth Toyota 48
    2 27 5 Kasey Kahne Chevrolet 42
    3 21 48 Jimmie Johnson Chevrolet 42
    4 7 56 Martin Truex Jr. Toyota 41
    5 10 15 Clint Bowyer Toyota 39
    6 33 2 Brad Keselowski Ford 38
    7 14 1 Jamie McMurray Chevrolet 37
    8 6 43 Aric Almirola Ford 36
    9 8 55 Mark Martin Toyota 35
    10 12 27 Paul Menard Chevrolet 34
    11 3 17 Ricky Stenhouse Jr. # Ford 34
    12 17 29 Kevin Harvick Chevrolet 32
    13 43 24 Jeff Gordon Chevrolet 31
    14 9 39 Ryan Newman Chevrolet 31
    15 13 78 Kurt Busch Chevrolet 29
    16 23 88 Dale Earnhardt Jr. Chevrolet 29
    17 2 99 Carl Edwards Ford 28
    18 20 31 Jeff Burton Chevrolet 26
    19 11 16 Greg Biffle Ford 25
    20 15 9 Marcos Ambrose Ford 24
    21 18 14 Tony Stewart Chevrolet 23
    22 41 51 Regan Smith(i) Chevrolet 0
    23 28 38 David Gilliland Ford 21
    24 34 47 Bobby Labonte Toyota 20
    25 25 10 Danica Patrick # Chevrolet 19
    26 36 35 Josh Wise(i) Ford 0
    27 19 42 Juan Pablo Montoya Chevrolet 17
    28 31 83 David Reutimann Toyota 16
    29 39 33 Landon Cassill Chevrolet 15
    30 26 34 David Ragan Ford 14
    31 16 11 Brian Vickers(i) Toyota 0
    32 38 30 David Stremme Toyota 13
    33 37 32 Timmy Hill # Ford 11
    34 30 13 Casey Mears Ford 10
    35 40 36 JJ Yeley Chevrolet 9
    36 32 93 Travis Kvapil Toyota 8
    37 4 12 Sam Hornish, Jr.(i) Ford 0
    38 5 18 Kyle Busch Toyota 6
    39 22 22 Joey Logano Ford 5
    40 24 81 Elliott Sadler(i) Toyota 0
    41 35 19 Mike Bliss(i) Toyota 0
    42 29 98 Michael McDowell Ford 2
    43 42 7 Dave Blaney Chevrolet 1
  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took sixth in the NRA 500 at Texas Motor Speedway on Saturday night and held on to the lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. He leads Brad Keselowski by nine points.

    “I think leaving Texas with the points lead is important,” Johnson said, “and a good sign that I’ll win my sixth Sprint Cup championship. Just call me ‘number 1 with a bullet.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch completed the sweep at Texas, following his Friday Nationwide win with a Saturday triumph in the NRA 500. Busch beat Martin Truex, Jr. out of the pits on the race’s final caution and led the final 16 laps.

    “I led 171 laps on Saturday night,” Busch said, “or as they’re called at Texas Motor Speedway, ‘rounds.’

    “With Denny Hamlin out with a back injury, and Matt Kenseth his typical hum-drum self, Joe Gibbs Racing is truly in a Lone Star ‘state.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the NRA 500 after scrambling to change the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge’s rear-end housing, which NASCAR had deemed illegal. After the race, Keselowski lashed out at NASCAR, claiming his team had been unfairly targeted in the garage area.

    “NASCAR can kiss my rear-end housing,” Keselowski said. “I apologize for my rant, but what better place than the NRA 500 to go ballistic on NASCAR. And what better place for NASCAR to wield its itchy trigger finger when it comes to accessing inspections.”

    4. Kasey Kahne: Kahne just missed his fifth top-10 finish of the year with an 11th in the NRA 500. He is seventh in the point standings, 37 out of first.

    “I’m not sure the NRA will be back as a sponsor for a race,” Kahne said. “But Mark Martin’s got a plan. Since he’s real tight with the rap community, he thinks there should be the ‘NWA 500.’ Of course, that’s pending NASCAR approval, as well as the construction of a track in Compton, California.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano nearly missed the start of Saturday’s race, arriving late to the grid after a NASCAR inspection forced the No. 22 team to change the car’s rear-end housing. After starting at the back of the field, Logano worked his way to a fifth-place finish, and moved up two places to ninth in the point standings.

    “Starting at the back of the field?” Logano said. “That’s the real ‘rear-end housing.’

    “Luckily, though, the lengthy inspection process afforded me ample time to catch up on some reading, particularly some dated copies of Denny Hamlin Magazine. They’re called ‘back issues.’”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 15th in the NRA 500, as Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. took the runner-up spot. Bowyer remained eighth in the point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 61.

    “I support the 2nd Amendment,” Bowyer said. “And, I also support the ‘5th’ Amendment—5-Hour Energy shots for everyone!”

    7. Greg Biffle: A strong run at Texas for Roush Fenway Racing saw Biffle finish fourth, one spot behind teammate Carl Edwards. Biffle is now fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 30 out of first.

    “Did someone at Hendrick Motorsports rat out Penske Racing?” Biffle said. “Conspiracy theories abound, with many saying someone at Hendrick pointed NASCAR in the direction of the Penske car’s rear housings. And when Rick Hendrick says ‘jump,’ NASCAR asks the same thing as they do of the height of Penske rear-end housings—‘how high?’”

    8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt lost battery power while running third on Saturday night, but didn’t realize it was a battery issue until later. Instead of switching to backup power, Earnhardt pitted, and after an unfortunate series of events, Earnhardt was penalized twice. He finished 29th, four laps down.

    “Luckily,” Earnhardt said, “I only shot myself in the foot. Unfortunately, I thought the problem was something else, and not the battery. That’s called ‘getting jumped’ to a conclusion.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted his fourth top-5 result of the season with a third in the NRA 500. He improved two places to fifth in the point standings, and now trails Jimmie Johnson by 35.

    “I felt right at home at TMS,” Edwards said. “As NASCAR’s resident fitness freak, I feel quite comfortable showing my ‘guns.’ And what about these super fans here in Texas, all decked out in their sleeveless shirts. Obviously, they support the right to bare arms.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 12th at Texas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch won from the pole. Kenseth is now 11th in the point standings, 65 out of first.

    “We had a mishap in the pits in which a crew member’s foot caught fire,” Kenseth said. “God bless his sole, we extinguished it before any damage was done.”

  • Surprising and Not Surprising: Bristol Food City 500

    Surprising and Not Surprising: Bristol Food City 500

    From the intro songs to the beating and the banging that comes with short-track racing, here is what was surprising and not surprising from the 53rd annual Food City 500 at Bristol Motor Speedway.

    Surprising:  Hendrick Motorsports’ Kasey Kahne is a Bristol victory virgin no more. The driver of the No. 5 Great Clips Chevrolet scored his first ever win in nineteen races at Thunder Valley and his first win of the young 2013 season.

    “This is a big win,” Kahne said. “The whole team was flawless.”

    “I feel like for myself it’s a big accomplishment to win here,” Kahne continued. “We’ve prepared pretty hard this year and it feels good to win.”

    Not Surprising:  Both Busch brothers earned their stripes as ‘come back kids’, overcoming adversity to finish in the top five.

    Kyle Busch, behind the wheel of the No. 18 M&Ms Toyota, overcame a speeding penalty to finish second and Kurt Busch, driver of the No. 78 Furniture Row/Beautyrest Chevrolet, contended with a loose wheel, as well as some damage to his race car, to battle back to a fourth place finish.

    This was Kyle Busch’s second top-10 finish in 2013 and Kurt Busch’s best finish of the 2013 season, as well as his best finish so far with Furniture Row Racing.

    “I need to stop getting penalties and stay up front all race,” Kyle Busch said. “I wish there was more to have there. But it’s a good day I guess.”

    “Considering how much we had to battle back from adversity today, the finish was even more gratifying” Kurt Busch said. “We battled hard and the poor No. 78 car – she’s used up.”

    Kyle Busch is now in the top ten in points and Kurt Busch vaulted from 29th to 16th in the point standings.

    Surprising:  While Jeff Gordon and Matt Kenseth have had issues between one another in the past, they had a surprisingly tough encounter on the track at Bristol. With Gordon in the lead and Kenseth right behind, Gordon blew a tire, hit the wall and Kenseth plowed into him from behind after his throttle apparently stuck.

    “As soon as I got into the banking, I felt the tire go,” the driver of the No. 24 Drive to End Hunger Chevrolet said. “I really hate that for Kenseth.”

    “There was not a lot either of us could do,” the driver of the No. 20 Home Depot/Husky Toyota said. “It will take a lot of Husky tools to fix that thing.”

    “We had a great car but we didn’t make it to the end.”

    Not Surprising:  Yes, it was Bristol and there were some temper flare ups, especially between Denny Hamlin and Joey Logano, who do have a history with one another.

    Hamlin, who had had an eventful week deciding not to appeal his $25,000 fine from NASCAR, got a bit peeved with Joey Logano and ended up turning his former teammate and sending him spinning.

    The driver of the No. 11 FedEx Freight Toyota, finished 23rd and Logano, driving the No. 22 Shell Pennzoil Ford, finished 17th.

    “Really, you’ve got to control your car and he slid up in front of me,” Hamlin said. “I meant to run into him but didn’t mean to spin him out.”

    “We finished bad. He finished bad,” Hamlin continued. “It’s even.”

    “That’s a freaking genius behind the wheel of the 11 car – probably the worst teammate I ever had, so I learned that now,” Logano said. “He decided to run in the back of me, so whatever.”

    “I have a scorecard and I’m not putting up with that,” Logano continued. “What goes around comes around.”

    And yes, the disagreement spilled over into Twitter-world, first with Logano tweeting, “Hey @dennyhamlin great job protecting that genius brain of yours by keeping your helmet on” and Hamlin responding, “Last time I checked he had my cell and direct message button to choose from if he’s got a problem. Otherwise hush little child.”

    Surprising:  It was a surprisingly difficult day for the drivers of the cereal cars, with Jeff Burton, driver of the No. 31 Cheerios Chevrolet, and Carl Edwards, driver of the No. 99 Kellogg’s/Frosted Flake Ford Fusion, involved in an early wreck.

    Burton finished 32nd while Edwards soldiered on, in spite of being ill most of the race and reportedly throwing up in his car, to finish 18th.

    “I have to thank the infield medical folks and folks with NASCAR medical,” Edwards said. “They really helped me out a lot today.”

    “That’s the most miserable race I’ve ever been through, but there was a little bit of satisfaction to come back and finish 18th.”

    Not Surprising:   Brad Keselowski, who finished third in the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford Fusion and now leads in the point standings, was not satisfied in the least.

    “We weren’t close at the start but at the end, the car was pretty good,” Keselowski said. “The 2 team did a great job adjusting on the car during the race. “

    “We’ve been so damn close and just haven’t sealed the deal.”

    Surprising:  In spite of bringing out the first caution with a flat tire, spin and a wreck, Tony Stewart still managed to keep his sense of humor throughout the rest of the race.

    On lap 254 with only half of the race completed, Stewart radioed in to his ailing crew chief Steve Addington to say, “The good news is that it’s halfway over.”

    Addington, who was battling the flu, replied simply, “Don’t make me laugh too hard right now.”

    Not Surprising:  While he may not have been stellar, he has been consistent so far in the 2013 season. Fan favorite Dale Earnhardt Jr. finished sixth and is just nine points behind Keselowski, sitting second in the point standings.

    The driver of the No. 88 National Guard Chevrolet solely credits the consistent performance to crew chief Steve Letarte, who Earnhardt Jr. referred to after the race as ‘magic man.’

    “I have to give all the credit to Steve Letarte,” Junior said. “He made a couple, two, three great pit calls there at the end and gave us the opportunity to get some guys on old tires and beat a few guys that we probably weren’t going to beat.”

    “Great call by him.”

    Surprising:  There were some surprising names in the top ten when the checkered flag waved at Bristol, including Brian Vickers, Paul Menard and Jamie McMurray.

    “Honestly after today, it felt like a win,” Vickers, driver of the No. 55 RK Motors Toyota, said. “We had some damage but got that fixed and we got back to the top 10.”

    Not Surprising:  In spite of a stellar Daytona, Danica Patrick has continued to struggle at the tracks following the season kick off. The driver of the No. 10 GoDaddy.com Chevrolet, finished 28th at Bristol, several laps down.

    “We just never really got it completely freed up like we needed to,” Patrick said. “It was better later in the race, but by then the damage was done.”

    Patrick is looking forward to the next race at Fontana, in spite of never having driven a Cup car at that track before.

    “There are a lot of things that I have to work on at this point in time,” Patrick said. “The most important thing is to find a decent balance to start off the race so that we don’t drop back.”

     

     

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Bristol and snatched the points lead from Jimmie Johnson, who finished 22nd, two laps down. Keselowski now leads Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by nine.

    “I finished the race sandwiched between the two Busch brothers,” Keselowski said, “which is like being between a rock and a hard head. Many have often said that a ‘championship’ might someday come between the Busch brothers. Thanks to me, it just did.”

    2. Kasey Kahne: Kahne wrested the lead from Brad Keselowski on a lap 460 restart and pulled away for the win in the Food City 500, Kahne’s first win at Bristol.

    “The No. 5 Great Clips Chevrolet was amazing,” Kahne said, “and just a hair better than everyone else. In honor of the track they call the ‘Bull Ring’ and in honor of my current favorite sponsor, I plan to get a ‘bull cut.’”

    3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted his fourth top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Bristol. He moved up one spot to second in the Sprint Cup point standings and now trails Brad Keselowski by nine.

    “They call this a ‘promising’ start,” Earnhardt said, “mostly because I can’t ‘promise’ it will continue.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson hammered the wall with 46 laps to go at Bristol and limped home to a 22nd in the Food City 500. He tumbled from the top of the Sprint Cup point standings and is now in third, 15 behind Brad Keselowski.

    “Like Joey Logano,” Johnson said, “I hit the wall on Sunday. Unlike Logano, I didn’t go talk to one after the race. This Logano-Denny Hamlin feud could potentially come to a head, but I doubt it. Their threats were much like Bristol’s seats on Sunday—empty.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was headed for a likely top-5 finish at Bristol, but cut a tire with eight laps to go and scraped the wall continuously as he struggled to a 23rd-place finish. Afterwards, Hamlin was accosted by former teammate Joey Logano, who was spun into the wall by Hamlin earlier.

    “Look at this,” Hamlin said. “Just four races in, and Logano’s dying to get back in a Toyota.

    “I’m not in the least bit afraid of Logano. They call him ‘Sliced Bread,’ but there’s certainly no yeast in that bread, because Logano’s never ‘risen’ to anything, much less a challenge.”

    6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth in the Food City 500, posting his first top-5 of the year. He improved five spots in the point standings to fourth, and now trails Brad Keselowski by 38.

    “’It’s Bristol! They’re fighting!’ I famously quoted after the race,” Bowyer said. “That makes me the ‘ring announcer.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch registered his second straight top-5 finish with a runner-up at Bristol. He jumped seven spots in the point standings to 10th, and is now 51 out of first.

    “No one enjoyed my spirited battle with Brad Keselowski more than me,” Busch said. “Brad famously called me an ‘ass’ once at Bristol; in case he’d forgotten, I gave him a good look at it on Sunday.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was running second when leader Jeff Gordon blew a tire and collected Kenseth’s No. 20 Chevrolet, eliminating them both from the race. Kenseth finished 35th and is now 63 out of the lead in the points standings.

    “Take it from Clint Bowyer,” Kenseth said. “’Following’ Jeff Gordon can only lead to bad things for both teams in the garage.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards struggled in the Food City 500, finishing one lap down in 18th. He is now seventh in the point standings, 42 out of first.

    “I was ill for most of the race,” Edwards said. “I said ‘Aflac’ several times during the race, but it had nothing to do with supplemental insurance. At least for a day, the Aflac mascot was no longer a duck, but a ‘yak.’”

    10. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 11th at Bristol, posting Roush Fenway’s top finish. He is now fifth in the point standings, 40 out of first.

    “There are power couples,” Biffle said, “like Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. And there are power couples, like Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn. I find it refreshing that Woods has gone public with a relationship, this time on purpose.”

  • Surprising and Not Surprising: Vegas Kobalt Tools 400

    Surprising and Not Surprising: Vegas Kobalt Tools 400

    With rain in the desert setting the field and the Denny Hamlin fine all the talk, here is what else was surprising and not so surprising from the Kobalt Tools 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

    Surprising:  The transformation surprisingly continued for Matt Kenseth, who moved from lame duck last year at Roush Fenway Racing to winner this year in just the third race of the season for Joe Gibbs Racing.

    “Thank you Lord for putting me here,” Kenseth said simply as he took the checkered flag.

    This was the driver of the No. 20 Dollar General Toyota’s 25th career victory and the 101st victory for his new owner Joe Gibbs. And it was Kenseth’s 41st birthday to boot.

    Not Surprising:  It was a strong day for the Hendrick bunch, with one notable exception, Jeff Gordon, who brought up the rear with a disappointing 25th finish in his No. 24 Drive to End Hunger Chevrolet.

    Kasey Kahne, who had a strong No. 5 Farmer’s Insurance Chevrolet, gave Kenseth a run for his money but could not close the deal, finishing second.

    “I had the car to beat today,” Kahne said. “We lost, but it was still a great run for all of our guys.”


    Jimmie Johnson, behind the wheel of the No. 48 Lowes/Kobalt Tools Chevrolet, finished sixth and Dale Earnhardt, Jr., driver of the No. 88 AMP Energy Orange Chevrolet, finished 7th.

    “I lost a couple of spots in that last restart, but it was fun to race that fast,” Johnson said. “We were flying.”

    “We had a real good race,” Junior said. “I enjoyed the race track and the raceability of the track was a lot of fun. I had a blast really.”

    Not surprisingly, Hendrick Motorsports is also strong in the point standings, with Johnson in the lead, Junior in third, Gordon dropping five spots to 13th and Kahne moving up 17 spots to 14th after the Vegas race.

    Surprising:  While every other driver complained of being loose, Rookie of the Year contender Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. surprisingly complained about being tight.

    “I kept telling them to free it up and we would get tighter and tighter,” the driver of the No. 17 Zest Ford said. “That is why we gave up all our track position.”

    “Every pit stop we made we got tighter and tighter,” Stenhouse, Jr. continued. “I couldn’t go on a restart.”

    Stenhouse Jr. finished 18th and is still in the lead in what he refers to as the ‘Ricky of the Year’ standings. He also led his first ever Cup lap after staying out while others headed to pit road.

    Not Surprising:  Stenhouse Jr.’s other half, Danica Patrick had ‘one of those days’ at the track. Not only did she struggle and finish 33rd in her GoDaddy.com Chevrolet but her team also had a tire outside the box violation on Lap 123, necessitating a pass through penalty.

    “That’s alright, guys,” Patrick said. “If we’re going to have these days, might as well have them all together.”

    “It was a real tough day, no doubt.”

    Surprising:  While both Earnhardt Ganassi Racing cars had to start from the rear of the field due to engine changes, both rebounded surprisingly well.

    Jamie McMurray, behind the wheel of the No. 1 McDonalds Chevrolet, finished 13th and EGR teammate Juan Pablo Montoya in the No. 42 AXE Apollo Chevrolet finished 19th.

    Not Surprising:   While Denny Hamlin paid the price for sharing his concerns publicly about the new Gen 6 car, many other drivers admitted to still trying to figure out their own race cars.

    Top among that group, however, was Kyle Busch, who overcame a Lap 48 pit road speeding penalty to finish fourth in his No. 18 M&M’s Toyota.

    “Man it was really unique,” Busch said. “When I was out front, I was fast as heck.”

    “But behind others, then I was wrecking loose,” Busch continued. “All in all it was fun and today was the first part of figuring out the nuances of this race car.”

    Surprising:  In his 150th career start, Joey Logano, behind the wheel of the No. 22 Shell Pennzoil Ford Fusion, made an uncharacteristic mistake. Just like his former Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch, Logano sped down pit road on his first pit stop.

    Logano rebounded, just like Busch, to finish in the 12th spot.

    “I screwed up,” Logano said. “I went down a lap but never caught our break to go.”

    “I felt like we had a top-five car but I made a dumb mistake.”

    Not Surprising:  Although not running a full-time season, NASCAR’s Iron Man Mark Martin continued to show his mettle, finishing 14th in his No. 55 Aaron’s Dream Machine and moving one spot up to sixth place in the point standings.

    “It was fun,” Martin said. “I didn’t get a good restart on the last one but other than that, it was a good solid day by this team and car.”

    Surprising:  There is a bit of surprising name up there in the top ten in points and he just so happens to drive for the King. Aric Almirola, driver of the Richard Petty Motorsports No. 43 Farmland Ford Fusion, may have finished 16th at Vegas but he remains right there in the tenth spot in the point standings.

    “We probably had an 8th – 12th place car so I’m disappointed we finished 16th,” Almirola said. “We didn’t have any major mistakes and I think points-wise we are still decent.”

    Almirola tweeted this after the race, “Headed to one of my favorite tracks next week in top 10 in points. Proud of my team!”

    Not Surprising:  Finally, the determination and grit of the reigning champ Brad Keselowski came through yet again. Keselowski posted his first top-ten finish at Las Vegas and brought the Blue Deuce home in the third spot.

    “Never give up,” Keselowski said. “Never give up. This team doesn’t and we didn’t today.”

    The champ is taking that attitude right into Bristol next weekend. And he admitted he has no idea how the new Gen 6 car will react on the first short track of the season.

    “That’s why you’ve got to watch,” Keselowski said simply.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth at Las Vegas and maintained his lead in the Sprint Cup point standings. Johnson leads Brad Keselowski by five points.

    “It’s always good to leave Las Vegas on top,” Johnson said. “The season is shaping up to be a two-man battle for the Sprint Cup championship. Who’s going to win it, me or Keselowski? I don’t have a clue, but if I was a detective, I’d have a ‘lead.’”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole in the Kobalt Tools 400 and finished third, his third top-5 result of the year. Keselowski now trails Jimmie Johnson by five in the point standings.

    “It was quite an awkward moment when the Miller Lite Ford was awarded the Coors Light Pole Award,” Keselowski said. “Luckily, my ‘wide mouth’ didn’t ‘vent,’ thereby avoiding a ‘vortex’ of controversy.”

    3. Matt Kenseth: On his 41st birthday, Kenseth held off Kasey Kahne to win the Kobalt Tools 400, his 25th career Sprint Cup win.

    “How about that race trophy I was awarded?” Kenseth said. “Toyota engine issues aside, Joe Gibbs, for once, is happy to have a wrench thrown into his operation.

    “I became just the third driver to win on his birthday. Carl Edwards threatened to give me a ‘spanking,’ but I politely declined.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt posted his third top-10 finish of the year with a seventh at Las Vegas. He now trails Jimmie Johnson by 10 in the point standings.

    “I’m off to the best three-race start of my career,” Earnhardt said. “And I’m still in third.

    “I hear they’ve chosen a grand marshal for the April race in Texas. His name is ‘N.R. Ray,’ and I understand he’ll be packing a starter’s pistol.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: An eventful week for Hamlin culminated with a 15th at Las Vegas, as Joe Gibbs teammate Matt Kenseth won the Kobalt Tools 400. Earlier in the week, Hamlin was fined $25,000 for making critical comments about the new Gen-6 car.

    “There’s five digits in $25,000,” Hamlin said. “Unfortunately for NASCAR, they’ll only see one of them.”

    6. Carl Edwards: Edwards backed up his win at Phoenix with a solid fifth at Las Vegas, earning his second top 5 of the year. He moved up six spots to fifth in the point standings, 31 out of first.

    “I hear Danica Patrick was hit in the head by a rock,” Edwards said. “If it’s anything like her driving, I’m sure it left a dent.”

    7. Kasey Kahne: Kahne No. 5 Chevy was clearly the class of the Kobalt Tools 400, but lost the race off pit road to Matt Kenseth on the final caution. Kahne tracked down Matt Kenseth but was unable to make the winning pass and settled for second.

    “I’m amazed that Kenseth could hold me off on old tires,” Kahne said. “And speaking of ‘old’ and ‘tired,’ how about the racing at Las Vegas. Maybe Denny Hamlin was on to something. His children may not be, but his points sure are legitimate.”

    8. Mark Martin: Martin finished 14th in the Kobalt Tools, as Michael Waltrip Racing teammate Martin Truex, Jr. finished eighth. Martin is sixth in the point standings, 34 out of first.

    “Much like my homeboy 50 Cent to find black people at Daytona,” Martin said, “I’m on a fruitless quest of my own—-to win a Sprint Cup championship.

    9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished 17th in the Kobalt Tools 400 as former Roush Fenway teammate Matt Kenseth took the win. Biffle is tied for seventh in the point standings, 36 out of first.

    “Congratulations to Matt,” Biffle said. “I knew he’d do well in the Dollar General Toyota. When you combine Matt’s boring personality in a car with ‘Dollar’ on the side, you get a character named ‘So-So Money.’

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch overcame an early pit road speeding penalty to claim fourth in the Kobalt Tools 400.

    “Pit road speeding is exactly what you’d expect from Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “Usually, it happens when we’re in a hurry to make an engine change.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson won his second Daytona 500, leading the final ten laps and holding off a late charge from Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

    “It was a historic day at Daytona,” Johnson said, “especially for women. Danica Patrick pocketed $357,464 in prize money, while Erin Andrews lost 50 Cents.

    “It’s great to win my second Daytona 500, and first for Chad Knaus. As you may recall, Chad was suspended for my first 500 in 2006, but he was with me there in spirit, and in my rear window.”

    2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt’s last-lap charge gave him his second consecutive Daytona 500 runner-up finish, and third in four years, as Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson took the win.

    “I was a day late and a dollar short,” Earnhardt said, “as opposed to a certain rapper, who was a half-dollar short.

    “Finishing second at Daytona, followed by a disappointing result in the Chase, has been the story of my career. It’s a case of ‘so close, yet so far away.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: NASCAR’s defending champion overcame early damage after being collected in an early crash and battle back to finish fourth in the Daytona 500. Keselowski led 13 laps on the day, and trails Jimmie Johnson by six points.

    “As you may have heard,” Keselowski said, “I was called to speak to NASCAR brass about some comments I made critical of NASCAR. I was politely told to keep my foot on the pedal and out of my mouth.”

    4. Greg Biffle: Biffle qualified fifth and finished sixth at Daytona, the top finisher among the Roush Fenway Racing trio, as Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. finished 12th and Carl Edwards finished 33rd.

    “Stenhouse is dating the hottest driver in NASCAR,” Biffle said, “while Edwards is the coldest driver in NASCAR.”

    5. Regan Smith: Smith, in the No. 51 Phoenix Racing Chevrolet, finished a strong seventh in the Daytona 500, leading one lap.

    “50 Cent says ‘He doesn’t see black people,’” Smith said. “If memory serves me, there once was a wrapper named ‘6 Cents’ who also didn’t see black people, but did see dead people.

    “As the driver of the car once piloted by Kurt Busch, I’m proud to say that Phoenix Racing no longer sees crazy people.”

    6. Mark Martin: Martin finished third in the Daytona 500, moving up with a late charge while pushing Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to a second-place finish.

    “I’m now 0-29 at Daytona,” Martin said, “so finishing third is nothing special. It’s like ‘kissing a sister,’ and I want to do that about as much as Erin Andrews wants to kiss a ‘brother.’

    “My man 50 Cent said he didn’t see any black people at Daytona. I say, Look, Fitty, it’s Sunday at Daytona. There’s only one ‘race.’”

    7. Danica Patrick: Patrick started on the pole at Daytona and became the first female driver to lead a lap in the iconic NASCAR event. She eventually finished eighth, by far her best Sprint Cup finish.

    “The No. 10 GoDaddy.Com Chevrolet not only had horsepower,” Patrick said, “it had girl power.

    “Kudos to Erin Andrews for rejecting the advances of 50 Cent. What kind of man complains about the lack of black people, then goes in for a kiss on the girl in the white ‘wrapper?’

    “I guess I silenced most of my critics with my performance, but not all of them. There are some creeps still monitoring the GoDaddy.com website who wish I’d show more of myself.”

    8. Ryan Newman: With Tony Stewart knocked out early, Newman led the charge for Stewart-Haas Racing, leading three laps and finishing fifth at Daytona.

    “I hate it for Tony,” Newman said. “His run of bad luck continued in the 500. Tony can’t catch a break, unlike the Daytona catchfence, which catches brakes, tires, and engines. You’ve got to hand it to NASCAR fans for coming to the race on Sunday despite what happened on Saturday. Those fans have a commendable ‘debris de corps.’”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th in the Daytona 500, one of only two Toyotas in the top 11.

    “Judging by what happened early in the race,” Bowyer said, “Jimmie Johnson was not the Hendrick driver I expected to win the race. After the race, I felt like I was back at Phoenix when I kept asking, ‘Where’s Jeff Gordon?’

    “I’m just pleased my Toyota engine didn’t blow up like those of the Joe Gibbs Racing cars. Those JGR engines are like milk—that expiration date will sneak up on you.”

    10. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: Stenhouse, in the No. 17 Roush Fenway Ford, finished 12th at Daytona after starting 28th, joining teammate Greg Biffle in the top 12.

    “It looks like Danica Patrick and I have taken our driving to another level,” Stenhouse said. “It remains to be seen whether our relationship will follow. I sure hope so. Until then, though, Danica and I will collectively be known as ‘Hot And Bothered.’

    “I hold a unique position among NASCAR drivers. I’m the only driver who can say he’s dating a ‘fellow’ driver and still retain his manhood.”