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  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson found trouble early at Talladega when he made contact with Jamie McMurray, which cut a tire on the No. 42 Target Chevrolet. Larson recovered and worked his way up to a 12th-place finish as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. took the win.

    “Great race by Ricky,” Larson said. “His father, Ricky Stenhouse Sr. was briefly taken into police custody when he tried to reach Victory Circle via a route that allowed no pedestrians. Police eventually realized he was related, and he was released, only to arrive in Victory Circle to find someone else, Danica Patrick to be exact, ‘having relations’ with his son. Okay, so maybe they were just kissing.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Like many top drivers, Truex was caught in the “Big One,” a lap 171 melee triggered by contact from A.J. Allmendinger on Chase Elliott.

    “I was asked to describe Talladega in three words,” Truex said. “I responded ‘Good, bad, and ugly.’ That was a Clint Eastwood movie. I think a more fitting title would have been ‘Sudden Impact.’ Or better yet, ‘Any Which Way You Can,’ or ‘Every Which Way But Loose.’”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth in the Geico 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

    “Everybody knew the ‘Big One’ was coming,” Johnson said. “NASCAR chairman Brian France likes to refer to himself as the ‘Big One.’ NASCAR drivers, on the other hand, like to say the ‘Big One’ when referring to France’s second chin.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 at Talladega and survived the “Big One” with 20 laps to go on his way to a seventh in the Geico 500.

    “Ricky Stenhouse Jr. gave Roush Fenway Racing its first win since June of 2014,” Keselowski said. “It appears Jack Roush is relevant again. He even congratulated Stenhouse. In other words, Jack finally took his hat off.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott was running second on lap 171 when he was bumped by A.J. Allmendinger, sending Elliott’s No. 24 Hooter’s car into oncoming traffic.

    “I nearly went airborne,” Elliott said. “And speaking of instances where gravity seems to briefly be suspended, how about the Hooter’s sponsorship on my car? Come to Hooter’s and you’ll see not one, but several ‘Big Ones.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano’s day ended in a huge crash with 20 laps to go at Talladega, leaving him with a disappointing 32nd-place finish.

    “We had a car that was capable of winning,” Logano said, “but circumstances beyond my control prevented that. Honestly, I felt like I was cheated.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was a victim of Talladega’s lap 171 crash that involved 18 cars. Harvick eventually finished 23rd.

    “It was pure car-nage,” Harvick said. “There’s only one thing worse than being involved in the ‘Big One,’ and that’s knowing it’s coming and not being able to do anything about it. So, in addition to cars, nerves are wrecked as well.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 48 laps, and seemed headed to the win until Ricky Stenhouse Jr. passed him for the win on the final lap. Busch finished third and is 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “We clearly had the best car in the field,” Busch said. “Unfortunately, the No. 18 Skittles Toyota doesn’t have a win to show for it. If there’s a slogan for our performance, it would be ‘Skittles: Waste the rainbow.’”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished second at Talladega as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. won his first Monster Energy Cup race. McMurray is fifth in the points standings, 110 behind Kyle Larson,

    “Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s win will be a life-changer,” McMurray said. “This could be the first of many wins to come for him. On the other hand, it could the only win of his career. In that case, he will always remember the ‘Big One’ at Talladega.”

    10.(tie) Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse passed Kyle Busch with a lap remaining in an overtime finish at Talladega. It was Stenhouse’s first Monster Energy Cup series victory.

    “I was met in Victory Lane with a kiss from Danica Patrick,” Stenhouse said. “I guess you could say I made out like a winner. And, as an added benefit to everyone, our lips were locked, so Danica couldn’t talk.”

    10.(tie) Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 14th in the Geico 500 and is ninth in the points standings, 85 out of first.

    “I’m just glad I made it through the race with my car in one piece,” Bowyer said. “There are a lot of drivers who can’t say that. The one thing that broke loose on their cars was ‘all hell.’”

  • The Final Word – Talladega, the track most drivers seem to hate but most fans love

    The Final Word – Talladega, the track most drivers seem to hate but most fans love

    So, let us talk about Talladega. We had Ricky Stenhouse Jr. start on the pole. Then we had a race full of excitement with a host of “oh, my God, did you see that?” moments. That pretty much covers the highlights from the opening 168 laps. It was as thrilling as I had hoped, but this one came down to the final 30 circuits on that big track.

    No one dominated this one. No one went to the front and stayed there all race long. They came and they went. On lap 162, Ryan Blaney took a bow. A kiss from Stenhouse did the trick to end his day. Eight laps later, Chase Elliott went. Straight into the fence. A.J. Allmendinger just touched the back of the car, and Chase was gone. So was A.J., who was left sitting with his world turned upside down until the wreckers arrived. We said adios to Erik Jones. Kevin Harvick went bye, bye. The race was ruined for Joey Logano, who became the meat in the middle of a heavy metal sandwich. Ta-ta to both Martin Truex Jr and Trevor Bayne. By the way, Danica Patrick seemed to be doing well on this day. At least, until that moment. A very hard hit on the inside wall was not the way she wanted to end her day. At least, she left the track happy.

    Before all the fun began, Kyle Busch had taken over as the leader. With just three to go, two cars bounced against one another, taking out the third car belonging to Ryan Newman. That left an overtime period to decide it all, and it was time well spent.

    Busch had the lead, at least he did until Jimmie Johnson launched Stenhouse for the pass on the final lap. To add to the excitement, Jamie McMurray threaded the needle between Busch and Johnson with no room to spare. In fact, there was no room. I think he was driving one of those cartoon cars that could stretch out to fit the space. Johnson faded, but Rowdy charged back into the mix, but it was not enough as Stenhouse, McMurray, and Busch hit the line in that order.

    I told you Danica left the track happy. She got to award the winner with a kiss. Team owner Jack Roush ended a 101 race drought and probably thought about following Patrick’s lead. It was the first career Cup win for his driver, who has all but punched his ticket into the Chase. Stenhouse only led the one lap, but it gave him a 49 point day. Kyle Busch had 42, while Brad Keselowski won the opening stage and finished seventh to record 40 of his own.

    Aric Almirola and Kasey Kahne both were in the Top Five, with Paul Menard and David Ragan in the Top Ten. The failure of his crew to keep his right rear tight much of the race left Dale Earnhardt Jr. very ordinary in 22nd. It could have been worse. Each of the aforementioned drivers who had a different opinion of the day than I had all finished behind him. Unfortunately, this result leaves Junior 67 points, or a victory, out of a playoff spot.

    No doubt the excitement level is reaching a fever pitch as we all anticipate Kansas coming up this Saturday night. Well, that might be the case for Johnson, who has three wins at that track. Harvick, Logano, and Matt Kenseth each have a pair. Last spring, Kyle Busch won his first there. As for all the exciting highlights, we did have Denny Hamlin try to dart through a hole between Keselowski and Kyle Larson late in the game. Instead, he lost air, lost control, but found Logano to take them both out of it. In the words of Mike Joy, “That was a 7-10 split in the GoBowling 400.”

    Okay, that was the lone highlight. I hope you enjoyed it. We can always hope that this year’s race proves at least as good as last year’s line.

  • Hot 20 – Talladega could not have come at a better time

    Hot 20 – Talladega could not have come at a better time

    NASCAR is losing steam. Surprise! It is not exactly news, but this week comments made by the top brass yet again reminded us of what has been going on for about a decade now. NASCAR got its big TV contract in 2001 to bring the action nationwide. It lost one of its legends in that opening race, then his son became part of a very compelling and riveting story line, and a fad was born. Everybody who was anybody jumped aboard the bandwagon. That lasted until the economic downturn following the 2007 season. The good times came to a grinding halt, and have not yet returned. As Merle Haggard used to ask, “Are the good times really over for good?”

    Once upon a time, but a time not so far away, 112,000 seats surrounded the track at Richmond. Today, they number 60,000. Last Sunday, only half of them had butt cheeks draped upon them. This week, NASCAR boss Brian France says his sport is not the only one having trouble enticing fans to leave their electronic devices behind, especially those tuned into his races, to make the trek to see the action live. They are having a summit next month in Charlotte, joined by experts, to seek out some answers. Charlotte track owner Humpy Wheeler has his own answers. Get rid of the aero push, the thing that gives the leader in clean air a distinct advantage, once and for all. Do that and then see the return of on-track excitement, the return of duels for the lead, the return of rivalries, and the return of the fans. Simple solution, but one they have been unable to solve for nearly twenty years.

    NASCAR was here long before Dale Earnhardt Jr. and it will be there long after he leaves. Sure sounds strong, defiant, and even true to some degree. However, compare how much merchandise Junior moves and compare it to anyone else…hell…everyone else, and you might just notice a few beads of sweat on the foreheads of NASCAR’s big shots. In the past, big stars left but it was all small potatoes back then compared to today. Dale Earnhardt died, but his son was there pick up some of the slack. Today, Junior is planning on going. Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, and Carl Edwards are already gone. Can Kyle Larson, Chase Elliott, Ryan Blaney, Erik Jones, Daniel Suarez, and the Dillon brothers keep those rabid fans in tow, the ones who will hang around no matter what? That is the question.

    Few tracks pretty much guarantee excitement. Talladega happily is one of them. Multiple lead changes, the potential of mayhem each and every lap, and the thrills that it brings. You do not need an Earnhardt to present that. You sure do when you go to Kansas for the next contest, and we return to a 1.5-mile oval and the same old, same old. Without the likes of Junior to cheer for, the lukewarm supporters will once again dissipate like a mist in the wind. They might return for the all-star event, they might catch the World 600 at Charlotte later this month, or next month’s road course challenge at Sonoma, then the Firecracker 400 at Daytona in July. Kansas, Dover, Pocono, and Michigan each have two events scheduled this season, with the first coming our way in May and June. Think about that, then tell me “how bad have you got it?” Exactly.

    Talladega could not come at a better time. Here is to the hot action for our Hot 20 in Alabama on Sunday afternoon.

    1. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 2 WINS – 327 PTS
    Junior might be the current King of Talladega, but with four wins Brad is the Crown Prince.

    2. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS – 270 PTS
    When did they start painting the walls to look like Junior’s car?

    3. KYLE LARSON – 1 WIN – 398 PTS
    “I would race a lot more if I was allowed to. That’s why I feel like I’m the last true racer.”

    4. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 1 WIN – 358 PTS
    Having a decent season, but imagine how good it would be if not for all those damned penalties.

    5. JOEY LOGANO – 1 WIN – 333 PTS
    Joey is sad. He heard Rowdy got a commitment line penalty at Richmond. The tears are flowing.

    6. RYAN NEWMAN – 1 WIN – 225 PTS
    In 30 starts, just five Top Fives, with his best being third eight years ago. You can save on the suds.

    7. KURT BUSCH – 1 WIN – 192 PTS
    When it came to Dale Earnhardt and Mr. Busch, oh well-a bird, bird, bird; bird is a word.

    8. CHASE ELLIOTT – 346 PTS
    Driving for Hooters this weekend. Make up your own joke.

    9. KEVIN HARVICK – 286 PTS
    Bloomin’ good result resulted in Outback Steakhouse giving away Bloomin’ Onions. Really.

    10. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 282 PTS
    Jamie only wins on the biggest stages. This would be one of them.

    11. CLINT BOWYER – 266 PTS
    Not as vile as Colbert, but he can sometimes string together some hot phrases on the radio.

    12. KYLE BUSCH – 235 PTS
    Five minutes. No crews, no officials, no cameras. Just five minutes is all he asks.

    13. DENNY HAMLIN – 231 PTS
    With Kyle, Denny, and Matt all here, the lack of Joe Gibbs wins is truly a non-story.

    14. RYAN BLANEY – 229 PTS
    Only five points earned over the past two events, with four of the past six outside the Top 20.

    15. TREVOR BAYNE – 216 PTS
    Still only one Cup win to his credit, but if you have to win just one…he picked well.

    16. RICKY STENHOUSE JR. – 201 PTS
    Joining Martin and Sherry, along with a host of others, in Catwalk for a Cause later this month.

    17. ERIK JONES – 193 PTS
    Lasted less than five laps last week, earned just one point. Talladega just has to be better.

    18. MATT KENSETH – 192 PTS
    Richmond was a race that proved to be 237 laps too long. Before that, he had a very nice day.

    19. ARIC ALMIROLA – 189 PTS
    The “other” drivers with more than one win in the No.43…Bobby Hamilton (2) and Jim Paschal (2).

    20. KASEY KAHNE – 179 PTS
    Krispy Kasey Kahne went cycling last week and, as Gollum might say, “It burns us.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson stayed out during the final caution while Joey Logano pitted for four tires. The gamble did not pay off for Larson, and Logano made quick work on his way to the win. Larson faded to 14th.

    “I guess we should have pitted for tires,” Larson said. “But as you know, hindsight is 20/20. Hindsight is also what I saw in my rearview mirror. And, in that instance, hindsight is Joey Logano.”

    2. Joey Logano: Logano pulled away on a restart with 20 laps to go and secured the victory in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

    “We may not have had the fastest car,” Logano said, “but we won nonetheless. I owe it all to my team. They all worked together to make it happen. I haven’t seen teamwork like that since all my guys laid on top of Kyle Busch after he took a swing at me.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his sixth top-10 finish of the year with a 10th in the Toyota Owners 400. He moved up one spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings to second, 40 points behind Kyle Larson.

    “I was penalized for what NASCAR calls a ‘commitment line violation,’” Truex said. “If you ask me what I think of the rule, I might be penalized with what NASCAR calls an ‘FCC’ violation.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th despite crashing Dale Earnhardt Jr. on lap 343, when Johnson drifted up the track and into Earnhardt’s No. 88 Chevrolet.

    “I had no idea Junior was there,” Johnson said. “Not to my immediate right, but in second place!”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled at Richmond, finishing 24th for his worst result of the year. He is third in the points standings, 52 out of first.

    “The hot topic at Richmond was Jimmie Johnson wrecking Dale Earnhardt Jr.,” Elliott said. “It was totally unintentional. And Jimmie has apologized profusely, seven times to be exact.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 110 laps at Richmond but was bested by his Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who passed Keselowski on a restart while Keselowski battled Kyle Busch.

    “We clearly had the best car in the field,” Keselowski said, “but circumstances didn’t work in our favor. I got stuck behind some slower cars. One of those happened to win the race.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond, posting his third top five of the season.

    “Brian France addressed the drivers before the race about retirement,” Harvick said. “You could feel the electricity in the air; that is until France revealed he was talking about Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s retirement and not his own.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Richmond and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 116 out of first.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s absence next year will leave a void for the people of Junior Nation,” McMurray said. “But if there’s one thing Junior fans know how to do, it’s ‘fill a void,’ often involving a liver or countless other body parts.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond, recording his best finish since a sixth at Las Vegas.

    “I said there was a 50 percent chance that Carl Edwards will be back in 2018,” Hamlin said. “That also means there’s a 50 percent chance Carl won’t be back in 2018. And I’m 100 percent sure I prefer that latter scenario.”

    10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished seventh at Richmond, posting his third top 10 of the year.

    “Joey Logano ran a great race,” Newman said. “And I wanted to offer him my congratulations after the race, but I know Joey is wary of me walking up to him with an arm extended. So, the situation called for a reacharound.”

  • The Final Word – Richmond was like a nice white dress shirt…with ketchup on it

    The Final Word – Richmond was like a nice white dress shirt…with ketchup on it

    We all know what it is like. We get all excited about some event, then it does not go as planned. That Christmas morning you waited for so long, only to wake up with the flu. The day at the ballpark longed dreamed of, only to see the storm clouds roll in. That long anticipated first date, only to discover you just blew the rear of your pants out. For me, that was Richmond.

    Dale Earnhardt Jr. returned to Richmond after announcing his impending retirement. Richmond, where he won his second, and final, Cup race during his father’s lifetime. Then Cinderella discovered her nice coach turned into a pumpkin after a speeding penalty took him forever out of the hunt for a Top Ten spot. A spin, then being splashed across the outside wall by his teammate left him in 30th.

    Matt Kenseth was the man. He led from the pole for the initial 163 laps. All was wonderful beneath the Virginia sunshine. Then he drifted back a bit, then had a bad pit stop, then cut a tire against Martin Truex Jr. to wind up 23rd.

    Just ask Kyle Busch about Richmond. He might not tell you, at least not with a recording device anywhere near. He got caught speeding early, but he was making progress as the race continued. He was within striking distance for the lead when Joey Logano cut in late to pit road, obstructing Busch’s view of where the commitment line was. He ran over it. He got penalized. He went from contender to 16th.

    As for Logano? Well, he won, of course. It was his 18th win in his 300th career start to become one of seven who has all but punched their ticket to the Chase. Yet, despite the victory, he was just fourth in points earned on the day, with 42. That was eight shy of Brad Keselowski, the race runner-up, and second stage winner. That was five short of Denny Hamlin, in third, and fifth place Kevin Harvick.

    Erik Jones got a point. Just one. Mind you, he did not manage to get in five laps last Sunday when he got help cutting a tire. That sent him into the grinder that was the outside wall and he was done. A.J. Allmendinger got a point. Midway through the second stage, his auto developed some issues that required a trip to the garage. A long trip. He was running at the end, just 67 laps down. Ryan Blaney got a point. Another cut tire, another meeting with the wall. At least he waited to near the end to come to an end. Ask those three guys what they thought about Richmond.

    That was then. Talladega is what is coming up now. This Sunday, we go to the House of Earnhardt. Ten wins by the father. Six more by the son. No flu. No split britches. No rain. It would not dare.

  • Hot 20 – As Richmond arrives, Earnhardt announces his departure

    Hot 20 – As Richmond arrives, Earnhardt announces his departure

    One day they are going to make that movie. It will feature a young Dale Earnhardt Jr. growing up in the shadow of his legendary father. We will see his daddy’s pride as his namesake begins his racing career. That first Tier II win at Texas in 1998. The two Tier II titles that came that year, and the next.

    Two years later, Senior saw Junior take his first Cup victory on that same Texas track. Junior won, ole Dale was seventh in the GM Goodwrench Chevrolet. Four races later, at Richmond, Junior won his second. Dad was 10th. The Legend and his Legacy.

    Then came the improbable story line. Dale Earnhardt would leave us on the final lap of the Daytona 500 on February 18, 2001. It was a race won by Michael Waltrip, a winless veteran driver who the Terminator put in the seat of a Dale Earnhardt Inc. car. His son finished second. On a day that should have been devoted to celebration, the Man in Black was gone.

    No one would dare write a script like this one. A week later, another of his drivers, Steve Park, would win at Rockingham. His friend and rival, Jeff Gordon, claimed Las Vegas. His race team, now led by a 25-year old Kevin Harvick, returned to Victory Lane for Richard Childress in the next race at Atlanta. What could top this emotional ride? When they returned to Daytona in July, it was Dale Earnhardt Jr. winning, with Waltrip in second, and we rejoiced as they celebrated atop their cars in the infield as the crowd roared in approval.

    Junior would win at Dover later in the year, and in October he was victorious at Talladega, the scene of his father’s final victory just the year before. Senior won 10 times at that track, and the 2001 win for his son was the start of four consecutive conquests on the same superspeedway. The movie will take us to the twin Talladega triumphs of 2002, to Talladega and Phoenix the next season, and then to 2004. The Daytona 500, Atlanta, Richmond, Bristol, Talladega, and Phoenix.

    Then came the lean years. The break from his late father’s team. The man who lost a legendary father joined a man who lost a cherished son. The main story went behind the scenes, as the successes on the track became few and far in between. Just four wins over nine seasons. However, there was one more act in the play, a resurgence before the final curtain would drop.

    Four more wins in 2014, including his second Daytona 500. Three in 2015, including his sixth at Talladega, one more summertime victory to give him four at Daytona, and his third career decision at Phoenix. Before the credits roll, the movie will see the on-track heartbreak of 2016, the loss of half a season. Yet, while he wondered about his future out on the track, there was true joy as the year ended with his new bride Amy by his side. A new chapter was about to begin as the movie comes to a close.

    Peter Jackson, if you are not too busy, this is a movie I would really love to see.

    Here are our Hot 20 heading to Richmond this Sunday.

    1. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 2 WINS – 277 PTS
    Leads the pack, but his day at Bristol was one for the dumper. On to Richmond!

    2. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS – 244 PTS
    With his 6.72 races per win ratio, his next victory should come by the time they leave Michigan.

    3. KYLE LARSON – 1 WIN – 360 PTS
    Great acceleration out of the pits on Monday. Just too great, as it turned out.

    4. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 1 WIN – 323 PTS
    Had a rare good day at Bristol and now hopes for a rare good day at Richmond.

    5. RYAN NEWMAN – 1 WIN – 186 PTS
    One win means the difference between fifth and 14th. I hope Junior is listening.

    6. KURT BUSCH – 1 WIN – 163 PTS
    Went three laps down and still had a better day than his brother.

    7. CHASE ELLIOTT – 333 PTS
    He was not a factor last week, so explain to me that Top Ten result.

    8. JOEY LOGANO – 291 PTS
    Not a fan of the driver, but Cameron Curtis reminds us we all should be a fan of the man.

    9. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 244 PTS
    Granted, we are just eight races in, but 2017 has been a very sweet year for the 40-year old.

    10. KEVIN HARVICK – 239 PTS
    Before you panic, he has 24 wins over the past seven seasons, and a winless streak of just 13.

    11. CLINT BOWYER – 239 PTS
    From second tier a year ago to second place this past week to a place he’s won at twice before.

    12. RYAN BLANEY – 228 PTS
    No power steering, no quick fix, no points to speak of, but just check out those biceps.

    13. KYLE BUSCH – 214 PTS
    When the wheels on the car don’t keep round and round, one’s day can go to crap in a hurry.

    14. TREVOR BAYNE – 192 PTS
    Best performer for Jack Roush since Carl Edwards left to join Joe Gibbs.

    15. ERIK JONES – 192 PTS
    The 20-year-old has one Top Ten as he enters his 12th career Cup race.

    16. DENNY HAMLIN – 184 PTS
    Tenth on Monday and now heads to a track where he has won three, including the one last fall.

    17. RICKY STENHOUSE, JR. – 168 PTS
    Three Top Tens over the past five contests but just one in eight tries at Richmond.

    18. KASEY KAHNE – 164 PTS
    Does Junior’s announcement ease the pressure on him or is the clock still ticking?

    19. ARIC ALMIROLA – 161 PTS
    You could say that Bristol (tire) rubbed him the wrong way.

    20. MATT KENSETH – 159 PTS
    It does not matter where you run all day, as long as you are in the picture at the end.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson won the rain-delayed Food City 500 at Bristol, earning his second consecutive win this season and 82nd in his career.

    “I was really concerned with the grip on the track after race officials put down a traction compound,” Johnson said. “But my crew chief Chad Knaus alleviated my fears. Chad has a way with words; he also has a way with ‘sentences,’ as his history of being punished by NASCAR for rules infractions can attest.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson started from the pole, dominated Stage 1, and ultimately finished sixth after a late pit road speeding penalty damaged his chances for a win.

    “NASCAR is a sport made exciting by speeds approaching 200 miles per hour,” Larson said, “and made boring by speeds approaching 45 miles per hour.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 116 laps and finished eighth in the Food City 500. He is third in the points standings, 37 out of first.

    “Jimmie Johnson has 82 career wins,” Truex said. “Two more and he ties NASCAR legend, Darrell Waltrip. It seems Jimmie is well on his way to coining his own irritating three-word catchphrase: ‘Eight-time champion.’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Bristol, recording his sixth top 10 of the year. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 27 out of first.

    “I’m really sad that my Hendrick Motorsports teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. is retiring,” Elliott said. “But he won’t leave without first being toasted by everyone here at Hendrick. Rick Hendrick is bringing the champagne; Jimmie Johnson is bringing the ‘Cups.’”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 34th, 67 laps down, after a troubling day at Bristol victimized by steering and brake issues.

    “Steering issues are one thing,” Keselowski said. “Brake issues are another. Ironically, when brake issues arise, the one thing you want to say the most is ‘Make it stop.’”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Food City 500, posting his fifth top-five of the year, and is currently fourth in the points standings.

    “You may have seen the new Verizon ad starring myself, LeBron James, and Drew Brees,” Logano said. “Once again, It’s the story of my life. Even in my sport, when I stand next to two other athletes, I’m the one they say has no balls.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick raced to a third in the Food City 500, posting his second consecutive top-five result.

    “I’m of the opinion that the All-Star Race should take place at other locations besides Charlotte,” Harvick said. “And, NASCAR should have a skills competition, much like the NBA and NHL. Some events could be the ‘Cowardly Shove In The Back,’ the ‘Punch That Has No Chance Of Landing,’ and the ‘Mad Rush To Confront A Driver Who You Believe Has Wronged You.’”

    8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer chased Jimmie Johnson the finish line at Bristol, settling for a second in the Food City 500. Bowyer is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “There was no way I was going to catch Jimmie,” Bowyer said, “and that was frustrating. I jokingly called Jimmie a ‘butthole.’ And I think you’ll find that most, if not all, drivers agree that Jimmie’s the best ‘piece of ass’ in our sport.”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered two tire failures at Bristol on his way to a 35th in the Food City 500.

    “To heck with a Goodyear,” Busch said, “I’ll settle for a ‘good day.’”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th in the Food City 500 and is up two spots to sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “The people of Junior Nation must be disappointed by Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s impending retirement,” McMurray said. “Luckily, disappointment is not a new emotion for them.”

  • The Final Word – Bristol was the best of times and the worst of times

    The Final Word – Bristol was the best of times and the worst of times

    If rainy days and Mondays really get you down, your Bristol Cup experience must have truly sucked. Sunday was a dandy day to load up the critters two by two, pushing the event to everyone’s favorite day of the week. Then it turned into a tale of many chapters.

    Chapter one was the story of the dominance of Kyle Larson. Being the friendly sort, he turned the pages over to be dedicated to the Martin Truex Jr. story. After that, the final half of the parchment was all about Joey Logano, at least until Jimmie Johnson decided to jump from support to main character. Now, you cannot have a good story without a few surprises. Larson left his number one pit box to jump straight ahead and surprise, he got tagged for speeding. That left him in 20th, hoping to fly through the field in order to reach the likes of Johnson, Truex, and Logano as the final 100 laps ticked down.

    Then with 33 to go, Truex received his own citation. He was now 15 away, with the other aforementioned boys all near the front, but not at the front. Kevin Harvick and Denny Hamlin took the point to really mess up the narrative as they went green.

    In the end, Johnson prevailed for his 82nd career victory, giving him a win every 6.72 attempts since October 7, 2001, when his adventure began. It also was his second win in as many races. The rest of our main cast finished in the Top Ten, but only Logano achieved a Top Five. That is because Clint Bowyer, Harvick, and Matt Kenseth took the positions right behind the race winner.

    Now, we did notice Bowyer fighting for position outside the Top Ten much of the day. There is no Rosie Ruiz reference applicable to him. In fact, he came back from an early speeding penalty to make his claim. Harvick made some noise in the second segment and was up there when it counted late. As for Kenseth, we did not even know he was out there until near the end, but he was there taking his bows after they dropped the final curtain. With that, he replaces Dale Earnhardt Jr. among our Top 20 in the standings.

    Junior had some issues develop during the second segment that caused him to pound the wall to end his day. One point for his troubles. Kyle Busch had a tire go down during the same segment, then blew it again to find the wall. Two points. Brad Keselowski struggled much of the day, had to go in to fix a host of mechanical issues that developed. Three points. Ryan Blaney lost his power steering early and needed to take the time to fix that issue. Four points.

    It comparison, it was a 54 point day for Johnson, while Truex, Logano, Larson, and Harvick crested 40 in the tally. Sometimes, rainy days and Mondays just work out for you. Heading to Richmond next Sunday, or whenever the weather decides it shall run, Hamlin is the last man to win there. The winner last spring was some guy named Carl Edwards. I hoped he enjoyed Monday’s contest from his couch. I know I did.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Texas, his fourth runner-up of the season, and remains the Monster Energy Cup points leader.

    “Given a few more laps,” Larson said, “I think I could have caught Jimmie Johnson for the win. Given a few more lifetimes, I think I could have caught him in the number of Cup championships won.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Texas, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

    “We definitely had the car to better that eighth-place finish,” Truex said, “so I’m disappointed. If I had it to do over, I think we could have pulled out the win. So, talk about ‘resurfacing’ all you like; it’s the thought of ‘re-finishing‘ that intrigues me.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his fifth top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Texas, and remained second in the points standings, 17 behind Kyle Larson,

    “Winds were gusting up to 25 miles per hour,” Elliott said, “which means they were faster than Jeffrey Earnhardt.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 400 at Texas, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year.

    “Only at Texas does the winner get to put on a cowboy hat and fire a set of replica six-shooters,” Keselowski said. “Jimmie Johnson had that honor on Sunday. It’s certainly not the first time for JJ; he’s won seven times at Texas. And, judging by Jimmie’s dehydration issue after the race, I’m guessing he went to the bathroom and shot even more blanks.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano led late at Texas but couldn’t hold off a charging Jimmie Johnson, who took the lead with 16 laps to go. Logano finished second and is fifth in the points standings, 72 out of first.

    “Much like a Kyle Busch punch,” Logano said, “Jimmie went by me like I wasn’t even there.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the first and second stage in the O[Reilly Auto Parts 400, but faded to a 12th place finish.

    “My last pit stop cost me,” Blaney said. “I overshot my pit stall and that blew my chance of winning. Obviously, my crew assumes I’ll hit my marks perfectly when I pit. I didn’t, and that’s been the story of my year because I’ve been ‘exceeding expectations’ all season.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Texas and finished fourth, posting his first top five of the season.

    “I’ve never won at Texas,” Harvick said. “I seem to be cursed at that track. Heck, as one of NASCAR’s least-liked drivers, I believed I’m ‘cursed’ at every track.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch came home with a disappointing 15th at Texas, ending a streak of three consecutive top-10 finishes.

    “Ozzy Osbourne visited my pit box during the race,” Busch said. “If Ozzy is the ‘Prince Of Darkness,’ my complexion says I’m the ‘Prince Of Lightness.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started from the very rear at Texas and passed Joey Logano with 17 laps to go, then cruised to his first win of the season.

    “After a slow start to our season,” Johnson said, “it’s great to finally get a win. But I’m not satisfied. I’m hungry for more, but not as thirsty as I was for fluids after the race. My car’s fluid delivery system malfunctioned, so I needed three bags of intravenous fluids. It’s certainly not the first case of a ‘three-bagger’ making an appearance in a NASCAR infield.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Texas, joining Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson in the top 10.

    “The Texas Motor Speedway track was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “So, race-winner Jimmie Johnson picked the perfect time to ‘resurface.’”

  • The Final Word – Texas proves Johnson not done yet…as if any sane person believed he was

    The Final Word – Texas proves Johnson not done yet…as if any sane person believed he was

    Enough with the contrived fake news. No, I am not talking about folks who think their candidate was robbed for being of a certain gender, or obviously the victim of the actions of a foreign power, or that they lost to someone who just has to be Darth Vader incarnate. Hell, I’m not even referring to those who deliver you all the news and nothing but the news, unless the facts are contradictory to the narrative they want to present. Nope. None of that.

    Fake news is presented by those wasting our time wringing their hands over whether someone in the Top Sixteen in points is actually going through some sort of career meltdown. A story about nothing. A story about someone who has not won a championship since way back in November. Someone without a single win since November 20th when he locked up that seventh title. Someone barren of triumphs for six entire races. Good bloody grief.

    So, if for no other reason than to shut up the twits, those scribes with the attention span of gnats, those with nothing better to do than spout about nothing, Jimmie Johnson won a race. It was the 81st of his career, one that extended his win streak to at least one a season since 2002. Maybe we should be worried. He has only won once. In the past, the lowest he ever claimed in a single year was two, and that happened once, in 2011. I should be quiet. I do not want to give some moron a fake news idea to run with.

    Johnson was not terribly visible in the opening stage in Texas. Due to changing some flat spotted tires after practice, he started from the rear. They worked on a way to claim second in the second stage and succeeded. Then his beast came alive and was relevant for much of the final run, beating out a hard charging Kyle Larson for the victory. Who else would be the runner-up? Over the past six events, Larson won at Fontana and claimed second in four others. Maybe we need a story to discuss his rapidly expanding two-race slump.

    Ryan Blaney won the opening two stages but was 12th in the end. No win, but like Johnson and Larson, was among six drivers who collected 40 or more points on the day. Jamie McMurray was in a Top Five ride through the opening two segments, and a Top Ten at the end. Kevin Harvick and Brad Keselowski both were near the front for most of Sunday, as well. They had good days.

    Austin Dillon did not. A part of the rear suspension not known to let go did before they even waved the green flag. While the others went down the track, he went directly to the garage. A 33rd place finish was his fate. You could say that, through no fault of his own, at Texas, the cowboy was all hat, no cattle.

    If 40 points mean one did well, a dozen or less equates into 25th place and beyond, probably indicating a day somewhat less than stellar. Hello, Denny Hamlin and Ryan Newman. What they had just was not enough. Nowhere close.

    Before the Pulitzer-winning wannabe’s shift their focus from Johnson to Dale Earnhardt Jr., his fifth place finish moves him finally into the Top Twenty in the standings. Dillon drops out. Danica Patrick, she who I believe is among our most relevant 27, is sitting 29th in the standings. Chris Buescher and Michael McDowell seem to be presenting the argument that there are actually 29 relevant rides, based on a combination of talent, equipment, and marketing. Some might argue that the number should actually be reduced to 26.

    Maybe those who have been left in a panic with the loss of the bogus “Jimmie Johnson has gone to hell” storyline might want to focus their attention on discussing that one, instead. Just a thought as the rest of us shifts our attention to the week off before action resumes in Bristol. Bristol, where excitement is all but guaranteed. No false news regarding that statement. Anyone disagree?