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  • Hot 20 – NASCAR gives Tony grief last week, and now some relief at Talladega

    Hot 20 – NASCAR gives Tony grief last week, and now some relief at Talladega

    Just a week after Tony Stewart criticized NASCAR for its rather lax rules regarding tightened lug nuts, and having to cough up a $35,000 fine for doing so, guess who is once again mandating that all lug nuts be tightened? Apparently there are no “whistler blower” provisions in effect when it comes to spotlighting stupidity. Look at the shock on this ole face. At least a few of  Stewart’s peers were outraged enough to go in together to pay the fine for him. Sure, NASCAR could just say “thanks” to Tony and move on. Actually, based on what we have seen over the year, no, they could not. They just do not have it in them.

    Coming to Talladega, I doubt many fans have forgotten the fine handed out to Dale Earnhardt Jr. after he won there in 2004. When asked about taking his fifth career victory at the big track, Junior responded on television with “It don’t mean shit right now. Daddy’s won here 10 times.” That cost him $10,000 and a few points. Hell, it is a good thing I am not a driver. I would be broke by June.

    Try as they might, they just cannot seem to do what is right. While Stewart looks at his fine as an investment into the safety of the sport, NASCAR spouts off about how its drivers cannot question the integrity of the sport, even if its integrity is sometimes suspect. Their response to a host of issues has been found wanting, both on the track and off it. You would have thought that by now they would know if something could pose a danger, one day it will for someone. A lack of lug nuts, exposed concrete walls, seating too close to the action are among them.

    NASCAR has done some good things. The safety of the car is the biggest one, in my opinion. Despite my initial misgivings, I do like the Chase, I do like the new points system, and I do like having wins have more meaning. That said, do you really think Stewart should make the Chase if he cannot complete a race? Ty Dillon will relieve him at some point this Sunday, with Tony getting credit for the points picked up, and even a victory should that happen. Really? Those have long been the rules, but I think time and recent rule changes have made that archaic. If you have to get out of the car, you park the car. No exceptions. Poor NASCAR, even when they try to be understanding, they either fail to understand or they are misunderstood.

    You would think NASCAR would even have a team in place to quickly address social issue controversies, especially in these times. When we are actually having unisex changing rooms at swimming pools, washrooms of the same design were not far off. They do not have to buy into what everyone is selling, but NASCAR should at least be prepared to respond one way or the other in terms they are willing to stand by.

    Hiding attendance figures is not exactly the response of an open, transparent, people friendly outfit, either. NASCAR even has its own way of eliminating the question of whether a glass is half empty or half full by just tearing down grandstands and calling the smaller configuration a better glass. Some like to think they and their sport or favorite team are in it together. NASCAR does not allow that. That is not helpful when one is going through tough times.

    Shooting the messenger, then immediately acting on the message, does not help much either. Having Talladega on tap for our Hot 20 does.

    1. CARL EDWARDS – 2 WINS – 331 PTS
    Loves, loves, loves to love tap his teammate.

    2. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS – 310 PTS
    Stewart got fined, but Jimmie, Junior, Kyle, Brad, Denny and Kevin paid it…and happy to do so.

    3. KYLE BUSCH – 2 WINS – 302 PTS
    If Kyle does not pay Carl back, Samantha just might.

    4. KEVIN HARVICK – 1 WIN – 324 PTS
    His sponsor promotes drinking beer and going fishing. What possibly could go wrong?

    5. DENNY HAMLIN – 1 WIN – 258 PTS
    From the Drivers’ Council: NASCAR, you did Tony wrong. Love, Denny and friends.

    6. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 1 WIN – 255 PTS
    Tony will pay his own fine, but thanks to Brad and company a donation goes to fight autism.

    7. JOEY LOGANO – 299 PTS
    Would love to see what happened last fall repeat itself this spring.

    8. KURT BUSCH – 279 PTS
    Maybe he could start a Formula One race, and have Lewis Hamilton sub for him.

    9. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – 278 PTS
    Junior loves Talladega, and the fans there love him right back.

    10. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 246 PTS
    Top 10 in the standings, more than likely a top 10 on Sunday.

    11. CHASE ELLIOTT – 234 PTS
    When does this racing thing get hard?

    12. AUSTIN DILLON – 234 PTS
    Having a good year, yet everyone is talking about brother Ty coming into the weekend.

    13. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 224 PTS
    Five mph above the speed limit is his street limit. Considering radar is now a cash cow, good thing.

    14. KASEY KAHNE – 222 PTS
    A career revival constitutes making the Chase and doing well once he gets there.

    15. MATT KENSETH – 212 PTS
    Having the worse kind of season 25 other drivers can only dream of having.

    16. RYAN NEWMAN – 205 PTS
    Second-best average finisher at Talladega the past two years. That has to count for something.

    17. A.J. ALLMENDINGER – 204 PTS
    Some drivers do well with one-car teams. Others are named Clint Bowyer.

    18. TREVOR BAYNE – 196 PTS
    With an average Talladega finish outside the Top 25, he could see a lot of Danica on Sunday.

    19. RICKY STENHOUSE JR. – 193 PTS
    Richmond penalty costs the team Crew Chief Nick Sandler this weekend.

    20. RYAN BLANEY – 187 PTS
    Here partially in thanks to Paul Menard, Kyle Larson, Greg Biffle, and Bowyer

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 78 laps at Richmond, including 35 of the last 36, but couldn’t close the deal on the win as Carl Edwards bumped him out of the lead on the final lap. Busch’s runner-up finish was his seventh top five of the year and he is now fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I’m very emotional after losing,” Busch said. “You could say I was ‘moved’ by Edwards.

    “I want to talk about Edwards about as much as I do about hitting a fan at Bristol. Really, I don’t want to talk about that fan I hit. That’s what happens when the ‘shhhh’ hits the fan.”

    2. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 151 of 400 laps at Richmond and stalked Kyle Busch for several laps before bumping him out of the way on the final circuit. Edwards took his second consecutive win while Busch was prevented from capturing his third victory of the year.

    “I know Kyle is one of my Joe Gibbs Racing teammates,” Edwards said, “but a win is a win. Thus, you saw my celebratory back flip preceded by the predatory backstab.”

    “I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing had he been in my shoes. And I mean that as a compliment to Kyle. And I’m sure he’ll return the favor.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Richmond after qualifying was rained out and finished fifth for his fourth top five of the year.

    “It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in racing,” Harvick said. “And I think it’s ludicrous that NASCAR chose to fine him. If you’re going to mention ’35,000’ and ‘Tony Stewart,’ it should only be in a discussion of his weekly calorie intake.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Richmond, posting his fifth top-five result of the year.

    “It’s good to see Tony Stewart back in a race car,” Johnson said, “and I applaud his critical comments of NASCAR safety. Tony speaks for a lot of us because he’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind. It takes bravery to say the things Tony does. Let’s just say where balls are concerned, Tony has a huge pair. With that comes great responsibility, and I surely wouldn’t want to lug those nuts around.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt saw a potential top-10 finish fall by the wayside after a late restart shuffled him back in the field. He finished 13th and is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Can you imagine the turmoil had Jimmie Johnson bumped me out of a sure win?” Earnhardt said. “The fans of Junior Nation would have rioted. They certainly would have tossed their beer cans onto the track. Only the empties, of course.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 55 laps and finished 10th in the Toyota Owners 400, scoring his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “My brother Kyle was very disappointed in losing that race,” Busch said, “and so was his wife Samantha. So much so that she uttered the ‘S’ word on national television. But Kyle wants everyone to rest assured that she’s not the only one on the ‘S’ list.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano fell a lap down early at Richmond but rebounded and came home with a ninth-place finish.

    “I made contact with Tony Stewart early in the race,” Logano said, “and it resulted in a flat tire for Tony. I’m sure he wasn’t happy about that. He probably uttered some profanities directed at me. Samantha Busch used the ‘S’ word; Tony used the ‘little S’ word.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started fifth and finished sixth at Richmond as Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch finished 1-2.

    “NASCAR fined Tony Stewart $35,000 for his comments regarding lug nuts,” Hamlin said. “I disagree with this. Tony should be able to speak his mind freely without the threat of retribution. So, he should be given the same privilege he refuses to give anyone else.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond while Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano finished eighth.

    “I don’t blame Carl Edwards for bumping Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “If the tables were turned, I’m sure Kyle would have done the same thing. And speaking of ‘turned tables,’ I’m sure Kyle will flip a few in the next JGR drivers meeting. Heck, Kyle didn’t think twice about hitting a random fan. After what happened at Richmond, I doubt he’ll think at all before bumping Edwards.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth at Richmond, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He is 10th in the points standings, 85 out of first.

    “I can’t imagine being bumped out of the lead by a teammate,” Truex said. “That’s because I don’t have a teammate.”

  • Harvick Fastest in First Sprint Cup Practice at Richmond

    Harvick Fastest in First Sprint Cup Practice at Richmond

    Kevin Harvick topped the chart in the abbreviated for rain first Sprint Cup Series practice at Richmond International Raceway.

    The driver of the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Racing Chevrolet was the fastest in the first practice session with a time of 20.919 and a speed of 129.069 mph. Joey Logano was second in his No. 22 Team Penske Ford with a time of 20.980 and a speed of 128.694 mph while Jimmie Johnson was third in his No. 48 Hendrick Motorsports Chevrolet with a time of 21.063 and a speed of 128.187 mph. Carl Edwards was fourth in his No. 19 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota with a time of 21.064 and a speed of 128.181 mph as Denny Hamlin rounded out the top-five in his No. 11 JGR Toyota with a time of 21.068 and a speed of 128.156 mph.

    Brad Keselowski was sixth in his No. 2 Penske Ford and Kurt Busch was seventh in his No. 41 SHR Chevrolet. Kasey Kahne was eighth in his No. 5 HMS Chevrolet followed by Kyle Busch who was ninth in his No. 18 JGR Toyota. AJ Allmendinger rounded out the top-10 in his No. 47 JTG Daugherty Racing Chevrolet.

    Tony Stewart, who was 18th in his No. 14 SHR Chevrolet, posted the fastest 10 consecutive lap average at a speed of 120.327 mph. Casey Mears, who was 25th in his No. 13 Germain Racing Chevrolet, posted the second best average at a speed of 120.298 mph.

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  • Hot 20 – Excitement at Bristol, more expected for Richmond, but does anyone give a damn?

    Hot 20 – Excitement at Bristol, more expected for Richmond, but does anyone give a damn?

    One hundred forty thousand backsides can be parked around the coliseum that is the Bristol Speedway. Nobody releases any official figures these days, as NASCAR would rather try to keep its head, or yours, buried deep in the sand. However, when less than 100,000 show up, and some think this was a stadium only half full at a track guaranteed to showcase action, something is terribly wrong.

    You can blame the economy only for so long. Maybe people are just sick and tired of high ticket costs, concession prices, and what one has to lay out for accommodations. Money is tight, and you better not come across as a robber baron if you want any of it. I mean, $300 a night hotels with a three-night minimum. Really?

    Writing this column ensures I watch nearly every event. No one else in my family does any longer. When was the last time a celebrity asked, “How bad have you got it?” No more do the All-State girls stalk Kasey Kahne, no one drives a Big Brown Truck, NAPA is long gone, and we have long since said goodbye to Goodwrench. Maybe it was just a fad, some phase we went through. I guess some just last longer than others. The NFL seems to be doing alright, and there is no better way to spend an afternoon than catching a ball game at Fenway.

    I am not going to take the opportunity to slam NASCAR. Not this time. Sure, I still enjoy doing so, but I still enjoy the product. Maybe not with the passion I once had, but I want to see Jimmie Johnson make it seven championships, Dale Earnhardt Jr. to chalk up just one, to watch Austin Dillon, Chase Elliott, and Ryan Blaney succeed. There are so many to cheer for, a few I would rather not and probably for no good reason other than it is fun to jeer them. I mention this because I am concerned. Bristol once was sold out for over 25 straight years, both races each year. Sunday’s attendance came as almost a shock. Not so much that there were fewer fans, just the fact there were fewer fans at Bristol. That just should not happen.

    Six of our Hot 20 are champions, one a former six-time title holder. Richmond has been on the schedule since the 1950s. Does it matter? It still does to me.

    1. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS – 271 PTS
    Winless streak hits three. I doubt anyone is panicking just yet, other than maybe the opposition.

    2. KYLE BUSCH – 2 WINS – 262 PTS
    Damn tire. Damn wall. Damn penalty. Damn tire. Damn wall. Damn, I am sorry, lady.

    3. KEVIN HARVICK – 1 WIN – 287 PTS
    I watched Harvick win from the Daytona backstretch. It no longer exists, same with Richmond’s.

    4. CARL EDWARDS – 1 WIN – 286 PTS
    Where in hell did all my teammates go last week?

    5. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 1 WIN – 224 PTS
    Three Top Tens, including a win, in his last four Richmond starts.

    6. DENNY HAMLIN – 1 WIN – 222 PTS
    Dear Carl: Love your car. Hey, I have an idea…

    7. JOEY LOGANO – 266 PTS
    If the past two years mean anything, Joey is going to love being back in Virginia.

    8. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – 250 PTS
    Let me understand this. They wave the green flag and we go? Does the car know?

    9. KURT BUSCH – 247 PTS
    Showed last Sunday he is not just another pretty Busch. He was the one with inflated tires.

    10. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 214 PTS
    A single Top Five in twenty starts does not exactly make him a sure thing at Richmond.

    11. AUSTIN DILLON – 213 PTS
    Camping World and XFINITY champ continues to show he is more than someone’s grandson.

    12. CHASE ELLIOTT – 205 PTS
    The way things are going, soon Bill Elliott will be best known for being a dad, not a racer.

    13. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 199 PTS
    Might not win, but a Top Five is certainly not out of the question this weekend.

    14. A.J. ALLMENDINGER – 188 PTS
    He can turn right, he can turn left, and now he seems able to just go round and round.

    15. KASEY KAHNE – 185 PTS
    Won at Richmond more than a decade ago, but no sure bet for a Top Ten this weekend.

    16. RYAN NEWMAN – 182 PTS
    Odds indicate a Top Ten on Sunday for the Rocketman.

    17. RICKY STENHOUSE JR. – 178 PTS
    Had a long day last week after being spun right round, baby, right round like a record, baby.

    18. MATT KENSETH – 177 PTS
    After watching the movie Major League, he has an idea. Does anyone have a chicken?

    19. RYAN BLANEY – 174 PTS
    A quick learner with XFINITY success, but Sunday marks his first Cup appearance at Richmond.

    20. TREVOR BAYNE – 172 PTS
    Roush Fenway cars still in the mix, with Stenhouse just ahead and Biffle not far behind.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Bristol, posting his seventh top-10 result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by a single point over second-place Carl Edwards.

    “The No. 4 Hunt Brothers Pizza Chevrolet was pretty strong at Bristol,” Harvick said. “Jimmy Johns slogan is ‘Freaky Fast.’ Hunt Brothers Pizza’s logo is ‘You’ll Need A Bathroom—Freaky Fast.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his third consecutive win, experienced a tough day at Bristol. His day ended on lap 256 when he blew a right-front tire and slammed the wall. He finished 38th.

    “I had an early spin,” Busch said, “then suffered a speeding penalty. And I blew two tires. Right-front tires on Joe Gibbs Racing cars were like seats at Bristol Motor Speedway—they were most likely empty.

    “While driving to the garage, my car made contact with a fan. I seem to be making a habit of running into fans off the track. That 38th-place finish was only my second out of the top 5 this season. So, relatively speaking, my day was ‘pedestrian.’”

    3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Bristol and led 276 of 500 laps, capturing the Food City 500 in dominating fashion.

    “Of course,” Edwards said, “I performed my celebratory backflip after the race. Unlike Kyle Busch, the only thing I nailed was the landing.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered a late loose wheel issue and finished a disappointing 23rd in the Food City 500.

    “That loose wheel ruined a potential top 5,” Johnson said. “That’s called getting ‘screwed unscrewed.’”

    5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After a slow start, Earnhardt recovered to score the runner-up spot in the Food City 500. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 37 out of first.

    “I accidentally hit the kill engine switch when the green flag dropped,” Earnhardt said. “Those kill switches are necessary in this sport. Now, they’d be of more use if they could be applied to pre-race prayers.

    “I was lucky enough to meet Peyton Manning. He gave me a Broncos jersey; I gave him a HANS device.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch led 41 laps and finished third in an entertaining Food City 500 at Bristol.

    “My brother Kyle made contact with a fan as he drove his damaged car to the garage midway through the race,” Busch said. “I guess the fan didn’t see Kyle coming. Some say our cars should be outfitted with horns. Others say they shouldn’t because there’s already too many ‘honk-ies’ in this sport already.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano posted a 10th-place finish at Bristol, recording his fifth top 10 of the year.

    “How lucky is Dale Earnhardt Jr.?” Logano said. “He got to meet Peyton Manning. But how lucky is Manning? He received the grand tour of Bristol Motor Speedway by Earnhardt himself. Talk about a ‘Thunder Valet.’”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th at Bristol as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Carl Edwards took the win.

    “JGR took four of the top five qualifying positions,” Hamlin said. “Only Carl Edwards was able to close the deal, however. By ‘closing the deal,’ I mean driving back to the garage without running over someone.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski had a top-10 car until a late tire issue set him back. He finished 18th and is now eighth in the points standings, 63 out of first.

    “Luckily,” Keselowski said, “the fan that Kyle Busch hit was not injured. I guess God was looking out for her. I like to believe that had I been in that fan’s shoes, a higher power would have pushed me out of the path of the car, hopefully before Kevin Harvick pushed me into it.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started eighth and finished 14th in the Food City 500.

    “It’s interesting the way Kyle Busch keeps meeting NASCAR fans,” Truex said. “It’s either (get out of) my way’ or ‘the highway.’”

  • The Final Word – Sunday was a strange, strange day at Bristol

    The Final Word – Sunday was a strange, strange day at Bristol

    There are ways to describe Sunday’s action in Bristol, but to do it justice one would need a blow-by-blow analysis of most of the competitors to figure out what happened, and how it happened. Let us begin with what we know.

    We know that Carl Edwards had one of the most dominant cars on the day. So did Matt Kenseth, while Kurt Busch (third) and Kevin Harvick (seventh) gave Edwards some company up front. Still, it was Cousin Carl who persevered, at the beginning, in the middle, and right to the end when he was putting some distance between himself and the field. Wheels that went straight, tires that kept inflated, walls that did not bite him, and the speed to see him lead a majority of the 500 laps allowed him to gather up his 26th career victory, his fourth at Bristol. That we know.

    What happened to his Joe Gibbs teammates is a little tougher to analyze. All four entries started in the first five positions, but 20th by Denny Hamlin was the best the rest could do after he sustained some damage in a pit road collision. Kenseth led for 142 laps, but the snake came back to bite him yet again this season. While running first, he lost his right front but found the fence. When he found it again later on, for the same reason, he was done in 36th. It could have been worse.

    Kyle Busch had been making a habit of winning lately, after consecutive triumphs at Martinsville and Texas. He took the drama out of it early, losing his right front and slamming the wall just 50 laps in. Sixty laps later, he got tagged from behind by Chris Buescher and went for a spin. Seventy laps further on, he got a pit road penalty. Seventy laps later, he lost another right front, found another fence, and finally put the car out of its misery, finishing 38th. Maybe too much camber angle proved to be the culprit.

    Some had bad tidings, but good results. Dale Earnhardt Jr. could not even get up to speed on the green flag lap to start, and was down two laps in no time. At least he did it with 500 laps to go, and due to some good fortune popped up in the end to run second. Even Junior thought he had, at best, a Top 15 ride. Chase Elliott had a tire issue, fell back to 31st by the 200th lap, but was fourth when they waved the checkered. Then there was Joey Logano. He finished 10th, despite an early green flag stop for a vibration that got costlier when their tire rolled away in the pits to sit even one behind Elliott at the time.

    Not enough great days for some others this season, but a few had one on Sunday. Trevor Bayne and Matt DiBenedetto were fifth and sixth at Bristol while Clint Bowyer had a Top Ten. Not so for Kyle Larson, as he dropped from third to a good 60 laps in arrears when his track bar broke. Cars seemed to get into trouble, rise out of the ashes, only to have their hopes dashed later on. Danica Patrick was 29th on Lap 200, fourth on Lap 275, and by Lap 435 she was barely in the Top Thirty. The Danica Line at Bristol was 27th, just one back of Austin Dillon and one up on Cole Whitt.

    On Sunday, there was no Big One, just a bunch of nasty Little Ones. However, as Talladega promises to do on May 1, that short track in Tennessee messed with people, including the minds of fans trying to keep track of the comers and goers, the heartbreakers and the heartbroken. It was not a boring 3.5-hours.

    Before they get to Alabama, they have a Sunday date in Richmond. Despite all his woes this year, Kenseth remains just five points out of a Chase place. Another win, like the one he celebrated last autumn at Richmond, would for all intents and purposes lock him into the championship hunt. Up to now, Kenseth has run well but always waiting for that black cloud to roll in to ruin his day. A single win and he is back to rainbows and blue skies. Funny, blue skies is exactly the weather they are calling for this Sunday.

  • Hot 20 at Bristol, where everyone will wind up hot at one time or another

    Hot 20 at Bristol, where everyone will wind up hot at one time or another

    I get it. Some folks watch NASCAR for the wrecks. They probably do not watch often, maybe taking in the action from Daytona or Talladega, where one bad move causes a whole lot of bad tidings. I love those tracks, too, but I love watching people doing exciting things that I simply cannot. Even if I got sponsored by Depends, it probably would be a good idea if I just let the opportunity pass me by. Now, if I there is any race I watch due to the prospect of mayhem, that would be Bristol.

    You have all these nice shiny race cars, all 40 of them, placed on an oval just over a half-mile in distance, and let them have at it for 500 laps. Sometimes, you just have to use the fender horn to make your way, and most times that will leave a mark. It also is likely to tick off the driver just moved out of the way, and then the fun really begins.

    Hot 20? Hell, more like a hot forty by the time Sunday’s action is completed.

    1. KYLE BUSCH – 2 WINS – 259 PTS
    One driver who could have stopped Kyle’s winning streak is currently 78-years old.

    2. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS – 253 PTS
    A true magician. Now you see Austin, now you don’t.

    3. KEVIN HARVICK – 1 WIN – 252 PTS
    Raced at Texas and saw a pair of holes-in-one at Augusta…and that is just what he did last weekend.

    4. DENNY HAMLIN – 1 WIN – 201 PTS
    Points? Who needs stinkin’ points after Daytona’s victory?

    5. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 1 WIN – 201 PTS
    Some folks he’ll always remember never had money or fame. They were simply great people.

    6. CARL EDWARDS – 241 PTS
    Screw lugnuts. He is switching to velcro.

    7. JOEY LOGANO – 234 PTS
    Just imagine how he would be doing with just a bit of consistency.

    8. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – 211 PTS
    After driver introductions joins some guy named Peyton in the back of a truck circling the track.

    9. KURT BUSCH – 208 PTS
    Ex-girlfriend was not a trained assassin. She says so. Taking no chances, Kurt should just agree.

    10. AUSTIN DILLON – 198 PTS
    Texas is the Lone Star State, but Austin was anything but alone when things went sideways.

    11. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 187 PTS
    Best little race car in Texas…on fresh rubber.

    12. MATT KENSETH – 171 PTS
    For all his hard luck, still treading water and comes to Sunday’s race as the defending champion.

    13. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 171 PTS
    Not exactly thrilling the crowds, but if one can quietly hold down a Chase place, that works.

    14. CHASE ELLIOTT – 168 PTS
    The kid is hungry, as even fifth is not good enough.

    15. A.J. ALLMENDINGER – 166 PTS
    You can not go wrong with BUSH Beans. Actually, I think I have.

    16. KASEY KAHNE – 161 PTS
    Sponsor is a big supporter of garage bands. These days I prefer a nice quiet book. I’m getting old.

    17. RICKY STENHOUSE, JR. – 153 PTS
    After six attempts, has the best average finish (11.2) among active Bristol drivers. Hey, look it up.

    18. KYLE LARSON – 152 PTS
    Failing inspection last week costs Kyle and Brad practice time at Bristol. Bad boys, bad boys…

    19. RYAN NEWMAN – 150 PTS
    Since 2002, has just a pair of Top Fives at Bristol, but the last time was just one year ago.

    20. RYAN BLANEY – 144 PTS
    Last weekend he kept picking up bad vibrations. That gave him bad excitations.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch won his second consecutive race, passing Martin Truex Jr. on a restart with 33 laps to go and cruising to the win in the Duck Commander 500.

    “That’s two wins in two weeks,” Busch said, “in two different states, both pretty convincingly. What I’ve done to the rest of the field is known as ‘Interstate Battery.’

    “It’s funny, given the misguided political opinions of the likes of Brian France and Phil Robertson, that NASCAR has become a haven for people endorsing candidates. Much like American presidential elections, NASCAR crowns a winner in November. That will be me. I’m here today to announce my 2016 slogan for repeating as Sprint Cup champion: ‘Make America One-Eight Again.’”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fourth at Texas, posting his fourth top five of the season.

    “We got off to a shaky start,” Johnson said. “On our first pit stop, I banged the back of Kyle Busch’s car. That left the No. 48 Chevrolet with some damage to the nose. That, of course, made the car difficult to drive. Trust me. I’m a triathlete—I know an ‘out-of-shape’ car when I see one.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Texas, earning his sixth top 10 of the season. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, seven behind Kyle Busch.

    “We had a top-10 car,” Harvick said, “and nothing else. It was clear early on that we weren’t going to win. In other words, we ‘didn’t have a prayer,’ which would also happen to be a good position for NASCAR to take in regards to pre-race ceremonies.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards, along with Martin Truex Jr., had one of the fields best cars at Texas, but failed to secure the win due to a loose wheel with 113 laps to go.

    “Speaking of a ‘screw loose,’” Edwards said, “did you hear Phil Robertson’s pre-race prayer? It was more quotable than the Bible itself.

    “Now, I’m frankly sick and tired of congratulating Kyle Busch on his victories. If he wants a pat on the back, he’ll have to get it from someone else, because when I joined JGR, I promised Matt Kenseth I wouldn’t raise a hand to anyone.”

    5. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second in the Duck Commander 500 at Texas as Kyle Busch took the win.

    “Once Kyle got into clean air,” Earnhardt said, “there was no stopping him. I think Phil Robertson said it best when he quipped, ‘Jesus man, that car is fast.’

    “Texas Motor Speedway had on display the taxidermied ‘Lil’ Dale’ goat. That goat rose to fame when it was born in 2002 with a marking on its side that looked like the No. 3. Despite the fact that ‘Lil’ Dale’ is a male, he’s been milked for all he’s worth.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch took ninth in the Duck Commander 500 as younger brother Kyle gained his second consecutive win.

    “Kyle is on a roll,” Busch said. “He won four races across three NASCAR series in eight days. You can say he’s done just about everything, except accuse his wife of being an assassin.”

    “In his pre-race prayer, Phil Robertson asked the Lord to put a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. I’m not sure Robertson is qualified to speak intelligently about religion or politics, or to speak intelligently period. But you know the old saying: ‘Robertson 3:16 says I’m just talking out my ass.’”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Duck Commander 500, recording his third top-five finish of the year.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. created a stir on Twitter,” Logano said, “when he tweeted about eating a banana and mayonnaise sandwich. I received a lot of unwanted responses because Junior happened to add ‘#SlicedBread’ to his tweet.”

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started sixth and finished 12th as Joe Gibbs Racing placed all four cars in the top 12, led by Kyle Busch’s win. Hamlin is eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

    “JGR is building a dynasty,” Hamlin said, “and unlike some other ‘dynasties,’ this one isn’t full of quacks. And speaking of ‘duck calls,’ did you hear the national anthem performed by Will Robertson? He hit all the notes. And by ‘all’ the notes, I mean one. But Will has one thing going for him—he’s adopted.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 19th at Texas and is now eighth in the points standings, 58 out of first.

    “Once again,” Keselowski said, “politics made its way into NASCAR when Phil Robertson prayed for a ‘Jesus man’ in the White House. This happened just weeks after Brian France endorsed Donald Trump for President. What’s next? Robertson and France start a NASCAR team and call it ‘Presidential Racing?’”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led a race-high 147 laps but couldn’t hold off Kyle Busch on a late restart, and eventually finished fifth.

    “I clearly had the best car,” Truex said, “but what I lacked was a little luck, or maybe a little bible, and a little gun. But I don’t need anyone to tell me that we let a win slip away. I also don’t need anyone to tell me who to vote for, or anyone to pray for me.”

  • Hot 20 – If you’re going to play in Texas, you got to have a Biffle in the band

    Hot 20 – If you’re going to play in Texas, you got to have a Biffle in the band

    The voting begins, and there is nary a Trump, Cruz, Clinton, or Sanders to be found. Of course, I am referring to NASCAR’s all-star event coming up in May. While Danica Patrick and that neat gimmick of her’s attracts lots of interest, my pick based on performance would be A.J. Allmendinger. It is not easy for teams to gain relevance. Stewart-Haas picked up a star and that worked for them. Furniture Row had Kurt Busch and Martin Truex Jr. to allow them to turn the corner. A.J. is doing it for JTG Daughterty. That is great to see.

    With the pipes on Chase Elliott, I am wondering if the guy can sing. We have had Merle Haggard, Randy Travis, and Josh Turner, to name a few, but if Chase can sing, we got another potential star on our hands. If not, broadcasting is in his future, but we might have to wait a long, long time. That is a hell of a lot of Boogity-Boogity-Boogities we might have yet to endure in the meantime.

    A three-part series on NASCAR is coming to CMT next month. It looks good. Now, will it show up north of the line? Sometimes I fear that somebody built a wall on the wrong damn border.

    This Saturday night, the boys and girl head west. The way I hear it, if you are going to play in Texas, you got to have a Biffle in the band. That may be true, and it may be a fact this weekend, but sadly such edicts do not include our Hot 20. Greg sits 16 points shy. Maybe the following week.

    1. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 2 WINS – 216 PTS
    Three straight at Texas, five of the past seven. Jimmie does not share easily, except for tweets.

    2. KEVIN HARVICK – 1 WIN – 220 PTS
    Still stands tall, despite less than stellar finish last week.

    3. KYLE BUSCH – 1 WIN – 215 PTS
    After winning a Cup and truck grandfather clock last week, he should never be late ever again.

    4. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 1 WIN – 178 PTS
    Took some time off in Birmingham to see some humpy backed camels and some chimpanzees.

    5. DENNY HAMLIN – 1 WIN – 172 PTS
    Collected a win at Daytona and a wall at Martinsville. Still, he had a better day than Almirola.

    6. CARL EDWARDS – 206 PTS
    When one struggles and still places in the Top Ten, you know you are having a good season.

    7. JOEY LOGANO – 196 PTS
    11th is not bad, but it sucks when you had hopes of finishing first.

    8. AUSTIN DILLON – 176 PTS
    A small issue with teammate Menard, but I understand he has connections with the ownership.

    9. KURT BUSCH – 176 PTS
    Must have the odd Jan Brady moment hearing how wonderful Kyle was…Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.

    10. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – 172 PTS
    Junior loves banana and mayo sandwiches. I prefer tuna and sandwich spread. Discuss.

    11. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 150 PTS
    Other than for that loose wheel and speeding penalty, Martinsville was great. Just great.

    12. A.J. ALLMENDINGER – 147 PTS
    What Kurt and Truex did for Furniture Row, A.J. is doing for Daugherty.

    13. JAMIE MCMURRAY – 143 PTS
    For Jamie, the STP 500 stood for Stupid Tire Problem.

    14. MATT KENSETH – 140 PTS
    Does not always take the high road, but when he does, he loses a lot of spots late in a race.

    15. RYAN BLANEY – 132 PTS
    Not David Pearson just yet, but at one time even Pearson was not that David Pearson.

    16. CHASE ELLIOTT – 131 PTS
    Jeff who?

    17. RICKY STENHOUSE JR. – 128 PTS
    Sunday he was undone when he got spun.

    18. KASEY KAHNE – 128 PTS
    I think he needs to get All-State back as a sponsor. He was in good hands back then.

    19. RYAN NEWMAN – 126 PTS
    According to the Internet, Newman is a driver, an actress, and manager of the minor league Birmingham Barons. Busy guy.

    20. KYLE LARSON – 125 PTS
    Along with Dillon, Blaney, and Elliott, the kids are making their presence known, with more great talent on the horizon.

    21. PAUL MENARD – 125 PTS
    Should Dillon and Menard have issues, I am sure Paul would retain the support of his sponsor.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 352 of 500 laps on his way to a commanding win in the STP 500, his first ever Sprint Cup win at Martinsville.

    “Finally,” Busch said, “I get the Martinsville grandfather clock. After 21 tries, I can look at this trophy and confidently say, ‘It’s about time.’

    “Leading 352 of 500 laps is just pure dominance. I’m shocked that the car was a good as it was. And my crew chief Dave Rogers was as well. After the race, he said to me, ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth in the STP 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the year. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, four behind Kevin Harvick.

    “I advocate stronger concussion protocols in our sport,” Johnson said. “Chad Knaus disagrees. He’s against anything that calls for more thorough inspections.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Martinsville, his first result outside the top 10 this season.

    “If you would have told me before the race,” Harvick said, “that I’d finish one spot behind Danica Patrick, I would have said, “I guess I didn’t finish second.”

    4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took sixth in the STP 500 as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch won. Edwards is 14th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 14 out of first.

    “Congratulations to Kyle,” Edwards said. “In his victory burnout, he smoked the tires. And speaking of ‘smoking’ the tires, NASCAR driver Derek White was arrested by Canadian police in a tobacco smuggling ring. Authorities seized 52,800 kilograms of tobacco. I guess where tobacco in concerned, the US-Canada border is unfiltered.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recorded his second top-five finish of the year with a fifth at Martinsville.

    “It was a typical day at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “There was beating and banging, grumbling, and a few caution flags. These are all examples of your stomach warning you after eating a Martinsville hot dog.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th at Martinsville as younger brother Kyle won. Busch is seventh in the points standings, 44 out of first.

    “I’m proud of Kyle for winning his first Martinsville grandfather clock,” Busch said. “As you know, clocks have little hands and big hands, and Brian France earlier made his political endorsement based on that criteria.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole but went a lap down early at Martinsville, as tire grip issues sent him backward. However, he recovered to post a solid 11th, and now occupies the fifth spot in the points standings.

    “We hit a rough patch to start the race,” Logano said, “but we worked things out. That’s a testament to the preparation and attention to detail of this team. There’s a lot to be said for crossing your T’s and dotting your ‘squinty and douchey’ ‘I’s.’

    8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin crashed early and finished a disappointing 39th in the STP 500 at Martinsville.

    “The wreck was the result of a wheel hop,” Hamlin said. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed that it happened. I’m also angry. You could say I’m ‘hopping mad.’ Ironically, if you’ve ever seen me play basketball, you know I’ve never been accused of having ‘mad hops.’”

    9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After falling a lap down early at Martinsville, Earnhardt battled his way back to score a respectable 14th-place finish. He is ninth in the points standings, 48 out of first.

    “As you probably heard,” Earnhardt said, “I decided to donate my brain to concussion research. My dad made a lot of enemies on the track, so you can add ‘science’ to the list of entities that wanted an Earnhardt’s head on a platter.”

    10. Austin Dillon: Dillon posted his second top-five finish of the year with a fourth at Martinsville. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 44 out of first.

    “Joey Logano finished 11th,” Dillon said, “and Matt Kenseth finished 15th. So, much like the last race here, there were four drivers ‘separating’ the two.”