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  • NASCAR 2021: The Year In Preview

    NASCAR 2021: The Year In Preview

    A satirical look at some of the headlines we might see during the 2021 NASCAR Cup Series season.

    *FedEx introduces a new “6-Hour Delivery” option, and features it on Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 car at Daytona, and in a television ad, in which Hamlin utters the slogan, “You Have Got To Be Shipping Me.”

    Hamlin wins at Daytona on February 14th, and goes on to win his first Cup championship.

    *Corey LaJoie has a political revelation and does a complete 180 when his car at Homestead on February 28th sports a “Hindsight Is 2020” slogan.

    *The full maturation of Kyle Busch becomes apparent when he is ticketed in Florida in March for driving under the minimum speed limit. It is short-lived, as a frustrated Busch peels out after receiving the ticket and is subsequently charged with reckless driving.

    Busch returns to form with six wins on the season and joins Denny Hamlin, Kevin Harvick, and upstart Matt DiBenedetto in the championship round at Phoenix.

    *In May, leaked emails reveal that Haylee Deegan’s sensitivity training instructor was none other than Tony Stewart, an eight-time sensitivity training graduate and Professor Emeritus of sensitivity training schools, where he earned the nickname “Dean Of Mean.”

    Deegan tangles with John Hunter Nemechek at Bristol on March 27th, sending them both into the wall and out of the race. The two argue, and Nemechek accuses Deegan of calling him the “R” word. Deegan doesn’t deny the allegation and explains that the “R” stood for “Responsible.”

    *On May 22nd, Jimmie Johnson fills in for an injured Tony Kanaan and qualifies on the fifth row for the Indianapolis 500, but not before running eight laps around Indy’s 2.5-mile circuit, swimming 50 laps of the infield lake, and biking 20 laps.

    Johnson finishes 19th in the 500, and records his best result of the season with a second at Laguna Seca on September 19th.

    *Bubba Wallace is listed as a 60-1 longshot to win at Talladega on April 25, odds which attract the attention of team co-owner Michael Jordan. Jordan contemplates placing a $200,000 wager on Wallace to win, and after consulting with Pete Rose on betting ethics, goes against Rose’s advice and decides not to place the bet. After a wreck-filled race, Wallace wins in overtime, and Jordan laments not winning $12 million.

    *On March 28th at Bristol, Ryan Blaney takes the dirt track win and celebrates by kissing the track surface. The action triggers a panic attack, caused by the emergence of repressed memories of a traumatic event from 2018 at Martinsville, where Blaney was ninja-smooched on the lips by an overzealous, snuff-dipping super fan.

    Blaney wins four races on the year, including his second consecutive Talladega spring race.

    *Chase Elliott’s new all-Hooters employees fan club, the “Woo-Hooters,” cheer the defending Cup champion to a six-win season, including three road course wins. Elliott is also the points leader as the championship commences at Darlington.

    Elliott fails to advance to the Round Of 8 after spinning late while leading at Charlotte in the Bank Of America ROVAL 400.

    *Martin Truex Jr. wins at Watkins Glen on August 8, where an unfortunate typo lists him as the winner of the “Go Blowing At The Glen,” a term that becomes a popular meme and bad news for anyone named “Glen” or “Glenn.”

    Truex posts three wins on the year and advances to the Round Of 8 in the playoffs.

    *Kevin Harvick wins the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead on February 28 to take his first win of the year. Harvick celebrates in Victory Circle with a shot of Dixie Vodka chased by a can of Busch Light, a drink Harvick dubs the “Vodka Sonic.”

    *A crazed lunatic in a hockey mask terrorizes Martinsville Speedway on October 31 before the running of the Xfinity 500, causing mass panic and a brief track lockdown. As it turns out, the stunt was the brainchild of NBC’s Rutledge Wood in an effort to publicize his new show on the “Shudder” platform called “America’s Most Haunted Sports Cars.”

    *At Richmond on April 18th, new Fox commentator Clint Bowyer is accused of obvious bias for his former Stewart-Haas Racing team, and Bowyer again finds himself in another “intentional spin” controversy at Richmond.

    *On July 4, Xfinity drivers Harrison Burton and Noah Gragson meet in a four-round charity boxing match that, despite going the distance, somehow features less action than their five-second fistfight at Kentucky Speedway in July of 2020.

    The bout, titled “Throw Hands Throw Down,” sports a .01 pay-per-view buy rate, but raises $150,000 and attracts the attention of YouTuber brother/douchebag duo Jake and Logan Paul, who challenge Burton and Gragson to a tag-team contest at All Elite Wrestling’s October Twitter-sponsored PPV, “Trick Or Tweet.”

  • Quarantined with Ryan Preece

    Quarantined with Ryan Preece

    By the time NASCAR returns to racing on May 17 at Darlington Raceway, it will have been two months since the drivers have seen any action on the track. During this time we’ve been catching up with some of the competitors to find out what their life has been like while quarantined at home.

    During this period NASCAR implemented the the iRacing Pro Invitational Series to fill the gap. While many of the current drivers are participating, it is, at best, a substitution for the real thing.  

    This week we spoke with JTG Daugherty Racing’s Ryan Preece to find out how he’s handling life at home, how he’s staying motivated, and what he has missed most.

    SM: Are you enjoying the time off or going stir crazy while you wait to get back to racing?

    RP: “The time off was definitely weird at first, but I’ve been able to get a lot of projects and house items done while we’ve been at home. However, I am really ready to go back to racing. I’ve been doing as much as I can on the simulator for practice and participating in the iRacing races, but I’m ready to be back in the real race car.”

    SM: Are you typically the kind of person who enjoys alone time or do you miss being around people?

    RP: “I would say a little bit of both. It’s been nice to unplug but I miss being at the track and around my team.”

    SM: What’s the one thing you miss most other than racing?

    RP: “I think just being at the shop and continuing to move forward. We have a little bit of a hole to dig out of once the race season resumes, and I miss being able to talk that through and continue building on a game plan to get better throughout the season.”

    SM: If for some reason you couldn’t race anymore, what career would you choose and why?

    RP: “I’ve been getting into a little bit of furniture building during the quarantine, so that could be something in the future. I’ve always been the person to work on my own things, whether that’s at home, at the shop, on the car, etc. It would be something I could do myself.”

    SM: What has been your favorite thing to do while you’re stuck at home?

    RP: “Racing on the simulator or the little bit of building furniture I’ve been doing.”

    SM: What is your least favorite thing to do at home?

    RP: “Housework chores my wife makes me do. Only kidding!”

    SM: Have you picked up any new hobbies or gotten back to a hobby you didn’t have time to pursue before?

    RP: “I’ve been on iRacing a lot more than I had been in the past. I’ve always enjoyed it and used to do it a lot before getting into the premier series, but obviously our schedule limits my time on it. I’ve been able to get back into it a lot more as I practice and participate in the Pro Invitational Series.”

    SM: Have you started any new projects around the house?

    RP: “We’ve had lots of projects. I built a ‘home’ for our dog, a crate, a desk, a rolling cart, and a couple of other things. We’re moving hopefully in a few weeks so we’ve been hard at work to get our current house in selling shape.”

    SM: Are you cooking for yourself at home? If so what’s the one thing you can cook well?

    RP: “My wife and I share the cooking duties but I can make a few things on our Kingsford charcoal grill.”

    SM: What’s your favorite music or band to listen to while you’re isolated at home?

    RP: “I listen to all types of music while working in my shop at home. It’s hard to pick one specific band or type.”

    SM: What are you doing to stay active and keep in shape?

    RP: “I work with a trainer during the regular season and we have a fairly strict diet plan as well. I also have a Peloton bike at my home to help keep in shape.”

    SM: Are you participating in iRacing? If so, does it help pass the time while you wait for the season to restart? Is it a good substitute for the real thing?

    RP: “It does help pass the time, but also leaves you really wanting to get back in the real thing. We’ll see in a few weeks if it’s helped when we get back to racing!”

    SM: What are you doing to keep positive and motivated?

    RP: “I have my modified car in my personal shop that I tinker around with and that helps pass the time and keep positive. Otherwise, I’ve been on the iRacing game and getting our house ready to move.”

    SM: What’s the first thing you will do when the quarantine is over?

    RP: “Once it is deemed safe for everyone, I can’t wait to get back to the shop and see the team. Returning to racing will be such a sense of normalcy and relief for us.”

    Thursday NASCAR announced a return to racing at Darlington Raceway and Charlotte Motor Speedway in May. Preece’s reaction on his Twitter page says it all.

    Follow @angiecampbell_ for the latest NASCAR news and feature stories.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick dominated at Atlanta, leading 181 laps and winning Stage 1 on his way to the win in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “I just dominated a race,” Harvick said, “yet all I hear in NASCAR circles is talk of the Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud. I should be the one they’re talking about. Luckily, the use of Adderall is rampant in NASCAR, so I should be able to treat my ‘attention deficit disorder.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 26 laps and finished fourth at Atlanta.

    “Harvick was unbeatable,” Hamlin said. “From the start, it was clear he was going to win. You could say Harvick’s chances were a slam dunk.

    “And speaking of basketball, Darrell Wallace Jr. is out of my basketball and golf leagues, which, collectively, are known as ‘The Fores And Fives.’ We’ll survive. Darrell wasn’t much of a golfer anyway. As I said after Daytona, ‘His driving sucks.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Atlanta to Kevin Harvick, who dominated the weekend at the

    “Fords took the top 3 spots,” Keselowski said, “and I couldn’t be happier. Last year, I complained when Toyota was dominating. Well, turnabout is fair play, and it’s time to celebrate with a cold beverage. No, not Miller Lite, but some wine, because everybody knows ‘wine-ing’ in NASCAR gets things done.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano took sixth at Atlanta to go along with his fourth at Daytona and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “This Denny Hamlin-Bubba Wallace feud has taken on a life of its own,” Logano said. “First, it’s about Adderall. Now, Wallace has been kicked out of Hamlin’s basketball and golf leagues. I propose they both be ejected from any and all debate leagues because this is the dumbest argument in the history of NASCAR.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Atlanta and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “The threat of rain was imminent over the duration of the race,” Blaney said, “and was also the most exciting aspect of the race.”

    6. Austin Dillon: The Daytona 500 winner finished 14th at Atlanta and is currently sixth in the points standings, 19 out of first.

    “I considered getting a ‘Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500: 14th Place’ tattoo on my butt,” Dillon said, “on a day when clouds filled the sky. But I came to my senses, and decided against getting a tattoo where the sun don’t shine.”

    7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s strong start to the season continued with a third in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “The NRA is scheduled to sponsor the Bristol night race in August,” Bowyer said. “Maybe by then, we’ll have this issue with pit guns solved. A lot of teams had an issue with pit guns at Atlanta. And that has a lot of people triggered.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home fifth at Atlanta.

    “The No. 78 Toyota failed inspection three times before qualifying on Friday,” Truex said. “There hasn’t been such a level of failure in NASCAR since Jimmy Spencer took a physical back in 2001.”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Atlanta and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 21 out of first.

    “Jeff Gordon said he’d be open to racing in the truck series at Martinsville,” Busch said. “That’s big news, for NASCAR, for Martinsville, and for Denny Hamlin, whose ‘pickup’ game is currently one person short.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch led the way for Joe Gibbs Racing at Atlanta with a seventh in the Folds Of Honor Quick Trip 500.

    “Austin Dillon and Kevin Harvick have the first two wins of the year,” Busch said. “So I guess the story so far this year revolves around two asses.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Austin Dillon: Dillon overtook Aric Almirola on Turn 3 of the final lap and captured the Daytona 500 in the No. 3 car made famous by the legendary Dale Earnhardt Sr.

    “I got a tattoo of the Daytona 500 logo and the word ‘champ’ on my backside,” Dillon said. “I’ve always wanted a tattoo but was afraid of getting one. I guess you could say I finally ‘cracked.’

    “While I’m at it, I may get another tattoo that says ‘Richard Childress Racing’ on my lower back. Would that be called a ‘gramp stamp?’”

    2. Darrell Wallace Jr.: Wallace, in his first start for Richard Petty Motorsports in the No. 43 car, took second at Daytona.

    “Denny Hamlin and I made contact crossing the finish line,” Wallace said, “and I was a little unhappy about it. So I made a crack about Adderall, which is “A Denny Hamlin Dis.” So maybe I need to be treated for ‘ADHD.’”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started strong at Daytona, qualifying second and leading the first 10 laps. But a one-lap penalty for missing his pit box put him way back in the field before he charged back.

    “It was a very exciting race,” Hamlin said. “It got everybody’s blood pumping. I guess you could call this year’s Daytona 500 a ‘stimulant.’

    “Okay, I think that’s enough talk about Adderall for the time being. It seems we’ve reached the ‘speed’ limit.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started fifth and finished fourth in the Daytona 500, giving Ford its top finish.

    “I felt confident from the get-go,” Logano said. “Mostly because Matt Kenseth was not in the race, but also because the car was fast.

    “Kudos to the Navy Band Southeast for their wonderful rendition of the ‘Star Spangled Banner.’ Fergie should follow their example of the national anthem and not sing it.”

    5. Chris Buescher: Buescher survived the carnage at Daytona and left with a strong fifth in the 500.

    “Not many people know who I am,” Buescher said. “I’m not what you would call a ‘household name.’ My car, however, is a ‘household product,’ because I’m sponsored by Cottonelle. That’s an odd sponsor for a race car driver, because, of course, you don’t want to be ‘bringing up the rear.’”

    6. Paul Menard: Menard finished sixth at Daytona in the No. 21 Wood Brothers Racing Ford Fusion.

    “Michael Waltrip took his famous ‘Grid Walk’ before the race,” Menard said. “I think it’s good for everyone. Michael gets camera time, and people only have to speak with him for five seconds, which is the maximum anyone can tolerate. It’s a win-win.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led a race-high 118 laps and won Stage 2 on his way to a seventh-place finish in the Daytona 500.

    “I made news early this year when I got a haircut and shaved my mustache,” Blaney said. “That’s what’s known in the business as ‘race trim.’”

    8. Ryan Newman: Newman started 13th and finished eighth in the Daytona 500.

    “Congratulations to Austin Dillon on his big win,” Newman said. “And congratulations to Darrell Wallace Jr., for his runner-up finish, and especially for not being related to Rusty.”

    9. Michael McDowell: McDowell finished ninth in the Daytona 500.

    “Some people take Adderall,” McDowell said, “and some people have tattoos. Some people are characterized by both. And to those Dale Jr. fans I say, ‘If you’re looking for a new favorite driver, I’m your man.’”

    10. Aric Almirola: Almirola had the lead on the final lap at Daytona before he blocked the hard-charging Austin Dillon, and the contact sent Almirola spinning and into the wall. He finished 11th, and took responsibility for the contact.

    “I knew Austin had a run on me,” Almirola said, “so I was just trying to block. I don’t blame him for hitting my bumper and sending me into the wall. You could say it was the first of two ‘tattooed backsides’ of the weekend.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second in the AAA 500 and clinched a spot in the Chase final four at Homestead.

    “The pressure is on for five drivers looking for that final spot,” Truex said. “I’m just glad I can sit back and relax, and watch frustration boil over for other drivers. So, while they’re going ‘postal,’ I’ll be going ‘coast-al.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 19th in the AAA 500 and is already good to go for Homestead by virtue of his win at Martinsville.

    “There are three drivers with clinched spots,” Busch said, “and five others with clinched sphincters.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick passed Martin Truex Jr. late to win at Texas and qualify for the Chase finale at Homestead.

    “The No. 4 Jimmy John’s car was not only ‘freaky fast,’” Harvick said, “it was ‘freakin‘ fast.’”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth at Texas and is fourth in the points standings, 19 ahead of Denny Hamlin in fifth.

    “I’m going to Phoenix like a NASCAR fan in the infield going to the port-a-potty,” Keselowski said. “I’m headed there strictly to ‘take care of business.’

    “And speaking of business, I’ll have Discount Tire sponsorship for the No. 2 car for several races next year. I think Discount Tire sponsorship will be very noticeable to the NASCAR fan base, because what NASCAR fan is not intrigued by cheap rubbers?”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started second at Texas and finished third at Texas, and will vie for the last of the four available playoff spots at Phoenix.

    “I spent much of the day looking to see if Chase Elliott was behind me,” Hamlin said. “He was, but fortunately for me, there were 15-20 cars between us.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott failed pre-qualifying technical inspection and started 34th at Texas on his way to an eighth-place finish.

    “I’ll likely need a win at Phoenix to make a run for the Cup at Phoenix,” Elliott said. “Here’s a prediction: if you don’t see me in Victory Lane, you can probably find me in the NASCAR hauler with Denny Hamlin.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took sixth in the AAA 500 and is sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 22 behind Brad Keselowski in fourth.

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. tweeted a pic of Tony Stewart in spandex,” Blaney said. “Unfortunately, it was so tight, you could see the outline of Tony’s ‘mo jo.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fourth at Texas and will likely need a win at Phoenix to advance as a Cup contender at Homestead.

    “I won’t be a full-time Cup driver in 2018,” Kenseth said. “So, the next two races for me will be ‘win and I’m in’ and ‘over and out.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, who won at Texas in April, finished 27th at Texas, his day marred by an unscheduled pit stop due to a vibration.

    “I’ll tell you what else is vibrating,” Johnson said. “My head, because I’m shaking it because I really have no explanation for our struggles.”

    10. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Texas after turning a record lap in qualifying. He finished ninth on Sunday.

    “That’s the Busch brother way,” Kurt said. “Whether we’re going super fast, or being super whiny, it sounds like a broken record.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and won at Kansas, posting his series-best seventh victory of the season.

    “The phrase heard most often in NASCAR this year is ‘Truex wins,’” Truex said. “I’m just hoping to add ‘it all’ to the end of it.”

    2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 18 laps and finished 13th at Kansas, and is on to the third round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “There’s three Toyota’s in the field of eight as we head to Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “I’ll be the first to say I’m at a disadvantage, but I’ve got a ‘Deuce’ up my sleeve because I won there in April.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 112 laps, won Stage 1, and finished 10th in the Hollywood Casino 400, easily qualifying for the third round of the Chase.

    “I wore a special glow in the dark ‘Frankenstein’ helmet at Kansas,” Busch said. “Frankenstein and I share a couple of traits—1) our complexion, and 2) we both have a lead foot.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 at Kansas and finished fifth, posting his 14th top five of the season.

    “Martin Truex Jr. has dominated on 1-½-mile tracks,” Hamlin said, “and Kansas Speedway was one of those. But Martinsville is a ½-mile track, and it’s my home track, as well as my favorite track. So, I just want to remind Martin, ‘We’re not in Kansas anymore.’”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott is on to the next round of the Chase after a fourth at Kansas, posting the top Chevrolet finish.

    “Martinsville is where they separate the men from the boys,” Elliott said. “Men can digest a Martinsville hot dog; boys can not.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Needing a solid finish to advance to the third round, Harvick started second at Kansas and finished eighth.

    “Martinsville is NASCAR’s shortest track,” Harvick said, “so cars will be packed tightly. That means a lot of contact, which means tempers could flare, and the next thing you know, punches are flying. How do I now? Because I’m knowledgeable on pushing other drivers, either over the edge or into an awaiting melee.”

    7. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered a blown engine on Lap 73 and finished 39th at Kansas, ending his chances of advancing to the third round of the Chase.

    “First I lose my Target,” Larson said, “now I’ve lost my goal.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney failed post-qualifying inspection and started last, but scrambled to finish a strong third at Kansas, which advanced him to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “Failing inspection at the Hollywood Casino 400 is like getting busted by the ‘pit’ boss,” Blaney said. “As the number of failed inspections in NASCAR shows, ‘rolling the dice’ is very common.

    9. Jimmie Johnson: In danger of being eliminated from the Chase, Johnson advanced with an 11th at Kansas.

    “What is a playoff field without Jimmie Johnson?” Johnson said. “For one thing, it’s good news for fans of Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt Jr. And without me, the only ‘J.J.’ in the field would be the one on Kevin Harvick’s hood.”

    10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 37th at Kansas, his hopes of advancing ended by a penalty for having too many crew members over the wall

    “The key word there is ‘over,’” Kenseth said. “And I didn’t even know that was a penalty. So I’m confused. And I’m not the only one confused. NASCAR chairman Brian France heard about an ‘over the wall’ penalty and was stunned to learn my pit crewmen were not Mexican.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third at Chicagoland as Toyotas took the top three qualifying spots. Despite an early pit road speeding penalty, Truex recovered and took the win, securing his spot in the second round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “As per usual in a race sponsored by Nickelodeon,” Truex said, “the winner gets ‘slimed’ with the network’s signature green goo. So I got slimed. If you’ve ever taken a dip in the infield pond at Daytona after the Daytona 500, you get the same result.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fifth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “It’s too bad Sunoco is the official fuel of NASCAR,” Larson said, “because Shell’s missing a heck of an opportunity for a tie-in with the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started second and came home fourth, posting the top finish among Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

    “Brad Keselowski had a lot of words to say about Toyotas,” Hamlin said. “Brad’s Ford may lack speed, but he certainly doesn’t, because he’s always quick to complain.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 59 laps and finished third at Chicagoland.

    “Let me just dispel a rumor right now,” Harvick said. “Jimmy John’s deliveries are ‘freaky fast,’ but despite what Brad Keselowski says, our delivery fleet is not comprised exclusively of Toyotas.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Chicagoland and finished a disappointing 15th, due to a number of issues in the pits. He is still fifth in the points standings, 41 out of first.

    “We made some costly mistakes,” Busch said. “First a loose wheel, then a penalty in the pits for over the wall too soon. Maybe it was because I had a new pit crew. I think it was a case of nerves. Others think it may have been the Skittles paint scheme because we were ‘Skitt-ish.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took ninth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400, posting his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “You saw NASCAR officials taking tires into the ‘blue tent’ for testing,” Kenseth said. “As I understand it, they submerge the tires in water to check for leaks. It’s the NASCAR equivalent of waterboarding.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, seeking his eighth Cup championship, posted an eighth in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “If I win number eight,” Johnson said, “I’ll be alone at the top of the list of NASCAR champions. So I really want one more, because that will give me one more than anyone else.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Chicagoland, recording his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Maybe my comments about Toyota domination were premature,” Keselowski said. “Although a Toyota won the race, they didn’t dominate altogether. So, maybe in hindsight, I shouldn’t have made those statements. But, I drive a Ford, probably the slowest of the cars, so any observations I make will be in ‘hindsight,’ because I’m behind.

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 10th in the Tales Of The Turtles 400.

    “I think it’s great to have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles associated with a NASCAR race,” McMurray said. “NASCAR’s fan base is dwindling, so it’s brilliant market to target not only teenagers, but mutants, ninjas, and turtles as well.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 42 laps and took the runner-up spot at Chicagoland.

    “Martin Truex Jr. won handily,” Elliott said. “There wasn’t a close finish at all, and there wasn’t a whole lot of action during the race. Nowadays, everybody knows the best battles in NASCAR happen on Twitter.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2 at Richmond was on his way to his fifth win of the year before a late caution flipped his fate. Kyle Larson beat Truex out of the pits and pulled away on the restart, while Truex tangled with Denny Hamlin and crashed. Truex finished 20th.

    “Of course I’m disappointed,” Truex said, “but I’ll have a twenty-point lead over Kyle Larson once the Chase starts at Chicagoland. So I like where I’m sitting, mostly because of the ‘cushion’ I’m sitting on.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson beat Martin Truex Jr. out of the pits on the final caution and jumped ahead on the restart, easily claiming the Federated Auto Parts 400, his fourth win of the season.

    “I’d like to thank my pit crew for their fast work,” Larson said. “But mostly I’d like to thank Derrick Cope for causing that final caution. I should invite him to Victory Lane, but I doubt he remembers how to get there.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch took the first stage at Richmond and came home with a ninth-place finish.

    “Denny Hamlin got busted for using illegal suspensions at Darlington,” Busch said. “Not just his Monster Energy Cup car, but his XFINITY Series car as well. Denny was stunned, but he had no choice but to ‘absorb the shock’ of the ramifications.”

    4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Richmond as the regular season came to a close.

    “I had my win at Darlington encumbered because of illegal suspension,” Hamlin said. “That means I get to keep the trophy, but I’m stripped of the bonus points. Plus, I have to drive with a vanity license plate that reads ‘NCUMBRD.’”

    5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 15th at Richmond, and will start the Chase For The Cup in sixth, 38 points behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “Hey,” Harvick said, “what’s with an ambulance on the track at Richmond? I know NASCAR ratings are hurting, but is this their way of ‘reviving’ the sport?”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth at Richmond, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

    “I’ll start the Chase For The Cup in fifth,” Johnson said. “I’m not feeling any pressure. I’ve won seven Cup championships, so I don’t plan on changing anything about my preparation, except maybe adding a cheat sheet inside the cockpit that explains how to advance in the Chase.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led nine laps and finished 11th at Richmond.

    “There really should be two Penske Racing drivers in the Chase For The Cup,” Keselowski said. “But, upon further inspection, I realize that Joey Logano won’t be part of the Chase.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth ran into the back of Clint Bowyer with 143 laps remaining after an ambulance inexplicably blocked the entrance to pit road. Kenseth eventually finished 38th but still qualified for the Chase.

    “Kudos to that ambulance driver,” Kenseth said, “for arriving before the accident even happened.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 14th and qualified for the Chase For The Cup, where he will start 16th, 50 points behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “I’m a serious long shot to win the Monster Energy Cup championship,” McMurray said. “A 100 to 1 long shot to be exact. That means you can bet $1 on me, and if I win, you would win $100. A safer bet, however, would be to take that $1 and spend it on an item from McDonald’s Dollar Menu. Consider my sponsor obligations fulfilled.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 10th at Richmond, posting his 14th top 10 of the season.

    “The race in Richmond was called the ‘Federated Auto Parts 400,’” Elliott said. “Let’s just be glad it wasn’t called the ‘Con-Federated Auto Parts 400.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex won Stages 1 and 2 at Darlington before his attempts to hold off the charging Denny Hamlin failed due to a right-front tire failure. Truex finished eighth.

    “I did, however, clinch NASCAR’s regular season title,” Truex said. “And if I fail to win the Monster Energy Cup championship, it will also be just another ‘regular’ season.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Darlington as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin took the win.

    “The Monster Energy Cup championship trophy weighs 70 pounds,” Busch said. “That sure is heavy. But some burdens are worth carrying. Just ask my car owner Joe Gibbs.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: After missing pit road on lap 315, Hamlin recovered and tracked down Martin Truex, Jr. to take the win in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “I felt terrible after missing pit road,” Hamlin said. “Let me tell you, missing the pits is the pits.

    “The No. 11 Toyota was sporting the Sport Clips paint scheme. It was ‘Throwback Weekend’ at Darlington, but if you would have seen those colors, you would have thought it was ‘Throw Up Weekend.”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Darlington and piloted the No. 4 Busch Beer Chevrolet to a ninth-place finish.

    “As you could see by the car paint schemes,” Harvick said, “it was ‘Throwback Weekend” at Darlington. Even NASCAR fans got into the theme, wearing clothes that were fashionable thirty years ago. Then again, maybe those fans had no idea it was ‘Throwback Weekend.’”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 14th in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “It was an incredible feat for Denny Hamlin to run down Martin Truex Jr. like he did to get the win,” Larson said. “Especially after making such a boneheaded error when he missed pit lane. I hear Denny is fond of playing basketball; he must be a pretty good ‘rebounder.’”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth placed sixth at Darlington as three Joe Gibbs Racing cars finished in the top six.

    “The fourth JGR driver is Daniel Suarez,” Kenseth said. “We just found out Subway terminated its four-race sponsorship of Daniel because of a pre-race segment in July in which he handed out Dunkin’ Donuts to fans. I guess in Subway sponsorship, there are Do’s and Don’t’s, and donuts are a don’t.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Darlington, and hasn’t won since taking the checkers at Dover in early June.

    “The No. 48 paint scheme was a tribute to the design on the Lowe’s trucks in 1986,” Johnson said. “As I’ve said often this year, my car drives like a truck.

    “I attended the ‘Burning Man’ music festival with my wife. I couldn’t believe I was actually there. I imagine I said the same thing as a dude who wakes up in a NASCAR infield after a night of partying and questionable hookups: “It’s burning, man!”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

    “The No. 2 Ford was sporting the throwback Miller Genuine Draft paint scheme,” Keselowski said. “Most people are used to seeing me in the Miller Lite paint scheme. That’s the car that made Rusty Wallace famous, and, in turn, made Ryan Newman angry.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray piloted the No. 1 McDonald’s Chevrolet to a 10th-place finish at Darlington, posting his

    “Thirteen drivers have clinched playoff spots,” McMurray said. “Currently, Chase Elliott, myself, and Matt Kenseth hold the final three spots. We three are all hoping for nothing to change as a result of what happens at Richmond, like, some driver way down in the standings taking a surprising win. In other words, if Elliott, Kenseth, and I are pulling for anyone, it’s for the ‘status quo’ to take the win.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer’s engine blew 18 laps in at Darlington and he finished 40th.

    “I’m in a must-win situation at the final regular season race at Richmond,” Bowyer said. “That’s called a ‘win and you’re in’ situation, as opposed to a ‘spin and Martin Truex, Jr. is in’ situation.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 21st at Bristol, his first finish outside the top six since a 33rd at Indianapolis.

    “What a run by my Furniture Row Racing teammate Erik Jones,” Truex said. “He almost won the race. Now, there were a lot of drivers pulling for Erik not to win the race. We call them ‘losers,’ or, in the case of Joey Logano, ‘encumbered losers.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race on Saturday night to complete the Bristol sweep after winning the Camping World Truck race on Wednesday and the XFINITY Series race on Friday.

    “I celebrated with a broom atop my car,” Busch said. “That cleaning implement comes in handy when you win all three races at a track, but the broom is especially handy when you need to sweep my bratty behavior under the rug.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson led 70 laps and finished ninth at Bristol.

    “Kyle Busch was pretty much unstoppable,” Larson said. “You could say he was on a mission. On the contrary, when Kyle acts up and his sponsor threatens to pull their support, Kyle handles that by going on a ‘mission to Mars.’”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth in the Food City 500

    “Kyle Busch swept all three NASCAR series races at Bristol,” Harvick said. “That means you heard his name mentioned continuously throughout our time here in Bristol. It probably sounded like this: ‘Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’ Consider that my least favorite sponsor promo.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Bristol, posting his ninth top-five of the season.

    “Kyle Busch just dominated the week at Bristol,” Hamlin said. “But the fans at Bristol weren’t too receptive of his success. Some of the fans were even booing him. That’s shocking, because I know Kyle, and all of those fans should be booing.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth battled for the win at Bristol before eventually finishing fourth.

    “Luckily for me,” Kenseth said, “Erik Jones didn’t win the race. You know, Erik is taking over the No. 20 car next year. Frankly, I’m stunned. But it could be worse. When someone tells you you’re being replaced by a 21-year-old, I’d much rather it be a car owner than a wife.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Bristol and is now 11th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Luckily,” Johnson said, “my three wins guarantee me a spot in the Chase For The Cup. That makes me a lock for the Chase. My seven championships make me a virtual lock for the Cup title. And all my opponents know that me winning is a virtual reality.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 29th at Bristol.

    “I’m shutting down my Camping World trucks team after this season,” Keselowski said. “Kyle Busch can have his broom; I have an axe.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Bristol.

    “I’m currently holding on to the 16th and final playoff spot,” McMurray said. “Ideally, I’d want my standing to be a little more secure. But I guess I can’t complain. McDonald’s may be loving it; I’m just liking it.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 19th at Bristol and sits 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I thought it was cool that the Bristol fans spelled out ‘Thank You Dale Jr’ with cards before the race,” Bowyer said. “It’s clear evidence that NASCAR fans can spell.”