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NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2, his 15th stage win of the season, and finished second at Michigan, passed on the final restart by a bold move from Kyle Larson. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings, and also leads with 35 playoff points.

“My Furniture Row Racing teammate Erik Jones restarted right beside me in second,” Truex said, “but Larson forced his way between us anyway. All this time I thought Carl Edwards was the best at driving a wedge between teammates.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson went from fourth to first on the final restart to take the win in the Pure Michigan 400, his third consecutive win at Michigan.

“I went right between Martin Truex Jr. and Erik Jones,” Larson said. “I’m no expert in math or Roman numerals, but if you take 78 and 77, divide them by 42, you get ‘V.’ That’s ‘V’ for victory.”

3. Kyle Busch: A costly penalty ruined Busch’s chances of a win at Michigan. He was sent to the rear of the field at the start of the second stage after he pitted while pit road was closed. He still finished a solid 10th and is third in the points standings.

“My spotter told me pit road was open,” Busch said. “He was wrong. Now I’m going to play the role of spotter. You see my spotter there? He’s a moron.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 13th at Michigan.

“I said Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s popularity had ‘stunted’ the growth of NASCAR,” Harvick said. “And, in saying so, I may have stumbled upon the reason Junior is so popular—-he’s not an a-hole.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 16th in the Pure Michigan 400.

“Kyle Busch called Brad Keselowski a ‘moron,’” Hamlin said, “and everyone is making a big deal about it. It’s not. I’ve been a teammate of Kyle’s for 10 years now; being called a ‘moron?’ That’s a compliment.”

6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 19th at Michigan and has not posted a top-10 result in his last four races.

“24, 21, 19,” Johnson said. “No, those aren’t my last three finishes. Those are the ages of my Hendrick Motorsports teammates in 2018.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started from the pole at Michigan and led 105 laps only to finish 17th at Michigan.

“Our pit strategy left a lot to be desired,” Keselowski said. “In fact, a lot of people were questioning our decisions. Many called it ‘stupid.’ Others called it ‘idiotic.’ One even called it ‘moronic.’”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished ninth at Michigan, recording his 12th top 10 of the season.

“The Chevy Camaro is coming to NASCAR next year,” McMurray said. “That was big news in Michigan, where Chevrolet is headquartered. As announcements go that sent chills down the spines of Michiganites, it was a distant second to the news that Kid Rock is running for US Senate.”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was in third place with two laps to go before a tire issue dropped him to a 24th-place finish at Michigan.

“I still have a 31-point cushion over Clint Bowyer,” Kenseth said. “That’s should be enough to get me in the Chase. So, I know where I’ll be in three weeks; I just don’t know where I’ll be next year.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished a disappointing 23rd at Michigan and failed to make up any ground in his quest to make the Chase For The Cup.

“Like Kevin Harvick,” Bowyer said, “I chose to open my mouth and be critical of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Maybe I should spend more time trying to make the Chase than voicing my unwanted opinion. My foot is obviously better served on the gas pedal than in my mouth.”

August 14, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex held off Matt Kenseth to win the I Love New York 355 At The Glen, earning his fourth win of the season. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 16 over Kyle Busch.

“We were able to conserve enough fuel to pull out the win,” Truex said. “In doing so, we had to let some cars pass us for the lead. That wasn’t easy. It’s hard for someone payed to go fast to let up off the gas pedal for any reason. But it’s also just another example of how I win with ‘ease.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Watkins Glen, his third straight pole, and finished a disappointing seventh.

“I was basically ran off the track by Brad Keselowski at the Bus Stop chicane on lap 45,” Busch said. “It was clearly Brad’s fault and I was furious. Chalk it up to another chapter in the Busch-Keselowski rivalry. With so many chapters, there should be a book. And that makes sense, because as today’s NASCAR feuds go, it’s all words and no action.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th in the I Love New York 355.

“I was involved in a pit road wreck with Brett Moffitt,” Harvick said. “I’m not sure what Brett Moffitt was doing on pit road, much less on pit road in a race car.”

4. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 23rd at Watkins Glen and has finished 23rd or worse in his last three races.

“I was docked 30 minutes of practice at Watkins Glen for doing a burnout after a lug nut inspection at Pocono,” Larson said. “That was just me venting my frustration at being subjected to another inspection. I find inspections ‘de-grading,’ especially since I don’t pass them.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Watkins Glen despite having to go to the rear at the start due to a brake issue that arose during qualifying.

“I guess we pulled one out of my backside,” Hamlin said. “And on a similar note, doctors will soon pull one out of my wife’s front side.”

6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 29th at Watkins Glen.

“Kasey Kahne won’t return to Hendrick Motorsports in 2018,” Johnson said. “That’s kind of surprising coming after his win at Indianapolis, which many thought would be a vital bargaining chip for an extension. Unfortunately, it seems in contract negotiations, Mighty Kasey struck out.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led with three laps to go at Watkins Glen and finished 15th as Martin Truex, Jr. took the win.

“If my fuel gauge could speak,” Keselowski said, “it would have said ‘E.’ Since I can speak, I said ‘F.’ In addition, I had a run-in with Kyle Busch halfway through the race. As you would expect, Kyle’s going to give me ‘H.’”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 14th at Watkins Glen.

“Kyle Busch and Brad Keselowski are at it again,” McMurray said. “They had another incident on the track, and now everybody’s wondering if retaliation is in the future. This thing could come to a head soon. Usually, when something ‘comes to a head’ and a Busch brother is involved, the thing ‘coming to a head’ is someone’s fist to Kurt’s.”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the runner-up spot at Watkins Glen to Martin Truex, Jr. as Toyota’s capture the top 4 spots. Kenseth currently holds the final Chase For The Cup playoff spot over Clint Bowyer.

“Joe Gibbs Racing put four cars in the top 7,” Kenseth said. “That says a lot about Japanese automakers. They’ve been telling us they can make the quickest cars. When people say the Japanese talk fast, they’re not kidding.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home fifth at Watkins Glen to keep his chances for making the Chase For The Cup alive. He faces a 28-point deficit to Matt Kenseth for the current final playoff spot.

“I have plenty of time,” Bowyer said. “As the saying goes, ‘It ain’t over until the hefty Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan in the tube top and Daisy Dukes standing atop the Port-A-Potty in the infield sings.’”

August 7, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished third at Pocono as Kyle Busch won from the pole. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 48 over Kyle Larson.

“Kyle was just unstoppable today,” Truex said. “Somebody should tell Kyle ‘Way to go,’ but it won’t be me or any member of my pit crew, especially two of my tire changers that are suspended. That’s because Kyle’s crew chief Adam Stevens had a confrontation with my pit crew at Indianapolis. While Kyle and I made fire, Adam and my crew made fireworks.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the pole for the Overton’s 400 at Pocono and led 74 laps on his way to the win, snapping a 36-race winless streak and winning for the first time at Pocono.

“It feels great to do a burn out,” Busch said, “as opposed to being ‘burned out’ of my car. Ironically, I’ve been ‘spinning my wheels’ all year.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Pocono, posting his eighth top 5 of the year, and is now third in the points standings, 97 out of first.

“That makes four runner-up finishes in my career at Pocono,” Harvick said. “If you think I’m disappointed about that, I ‘second’ that emotion. And trust me, I know disappointment. It permeates my household, in fact. Much of the disappointment stems from the fact that I’m known there as ‘three-inch Kevin Harvick.’”

4. Kyle Larson: Larson lost his drive shaft early at Pocono, necessitating a lengthy trip to the garage before returning to claim a 33rd-place finish.

“What’s worse than losing a drive shaft?” Larson said. “Losing a sponsor. Target will no longer sponsor the No. 42 car next year. They’re moving sponsorship from racing to soccer. At least, that’s their goal. It’s seems the red on the red car has been red-carded.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Contact with Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kasey Kahne sent Johnson into the wall on lap 57, ending his day at Pocono. Johnson eventually finished 35th.

“Kasey had a huge win the previous week at Indianapolis,” Johnson said. “He apparently was still riding that wave of momentum when he slid up the track and got into me.

“But it was just a racing incident. And let me define ‘racing incident’ for you: it’s when there’s an accident that doesn’t involve cars bursting into flames, a crew chief mouthing off with members of an opposing crew, and a race team unfairly disciplining just one of the involved parties.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took fifth in the Overton’s 400, recording his series-best 11th top 5 of the season.

“Penske Racing is adding a third car in 2018,” Keselowski said, “and Ryan Blaney will be the driver. Ryan is a great guy, and one of the best things he has going for him is that his father is Dave Blaney, and not Tom Logano. Tom Logano is the Lavar Ball of NASCAR.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 18 laps and finished fourth at Pocono, as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch took the victory.

“Kyle Busch was the class of the field,” Hamlin said. “That’s saying something, because it’s not often you can use the words ‘class’ and ‘Kyle Busch’ in a sentence. Now, using ‘Kyle Busch’ and a word that rhymes with class in the same sentence, that’s another story altogether.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray started third at Pocono but finished a disappointing 26th.

“The No. 1 McDonald’s Chevrolet was handicapped by transmission issues,” McMurray said. “That caused a lot of smoke to enter the cockpit. It’s doubly disappointing because at Pocono in June, I wrecked with Jimmie Johnson and my car burst into flames. As the saying goes, ‘Where there’s smoke, there was fire.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Eliott finished tenth at Pocono and remains winless on the season.

“I know I don’t necessarily have to win to make the Chase For The Cup,” Elliott said, “but it would sure make things easier. But sometimes just the mere pressure of knowing you need a victory can hinder, impede, and hamper you from doing just that. A lot of drivers, Joey Logano included, call that an ‘encumbered win.’”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer scored a solid day at Pocono, winning Stage 2 on his way to a sixth-place finish. He is tenth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“Thirteen different drivers have posted victories this year,” Bowyer said. “That means there are only three spots in the Chase For The Cup up for grabs. People who know me understand that I’m willing to go to great lengths to secure one of those spots, for me or for a teammate.”

August 1, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex and Kyle Busch wrecked as they battled for the lead on a restart with 50 laps remaining at Indianapolis. Both cars were unable to continue, and Truex’s No. 78 became engulfed in flames. Truex finished 33rd.

“Oddly enough,” Truex said, “Kyle was ‘on fire’ before that. He won the first two stages and was well on his way to winning the race.

“The wreck was my fault; I won’t lie and say it wasn’t. And given my penchant for collecting extra points for stage wins and whatnot, I have to ask, do I get bonus points for honesty?”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 28th at Indianapolis after a late crash that sent the No. 42 Target Chevrolet into the wall and into flames.

“Thankfully,” Larson said, “I was able to escape the flames. In most cases, I only get burned by NASCAR inspectors.

“The race was quite boring until about 20 laps remaining. Much like my cars, the Brickyard 400 is famous for its lack of ‘passing.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the front row alongside pole sitter Kyle Busch and finished sixth, posting his 13th top 10 of the year.

“My spotter had his credential revoked after he tossed a sandwich and it fell off the top of Indy’s Pagoda,” Harvick said. “Joey Logano’s family had quite a scare when reports stated ‘Sliced Bread Thrown From Indianapolis Motor Speedway Pagoda.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch’s quest for a third-straight Brickyard 400 victory ended when he crashed with Martin Truex Jr. on a restart with 50 laps to go.

“Before that fateful restart,” Busch said, “Truex and I played a game of ‘Deal Or No Deal.’ However, instead of finding out what was behind the door, we both found out what was behind the wall.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started at the rear of the field after a transmission change and was battling for the lead late when he crashed as his engine smoked after the restart following the races 11th caution. Johnson finished 27th.

“I went three-wide with Kasey Kahne and Brad Keselowski late in the race at Indianapolis,” Johnson said. “It was basically a game of chicken. I guess I lost, but that’s okay because my seven Cup titles make this chicken the most likely to get ‘roasted’ at the NASCAR awards banquet.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Kasey Kahne beat Keselowski into Turn 1 on the final restart and won the Brickyard 400 under caution. Keselowski finished second.

“When all was said and done,” Keselowski said, “most drivers had spent over six hours in their cars. That’s way longer than most fans spent in their seats.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Indianapolis, one lap down to the leaders.

“My Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch said he had a ride lined up for the Indianapolis 500 back on Memorial Day weekend,” Hamlin said. “But Joe Gibbs refused to let Kyle run. I think if you asked Joe, he would tell you that Kyle may be a gigantic ass, but he’s an even more gigantic asset.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray came home 15th in the hot and grueling Brickyard 400.

“The race was a marathon,” McMurray said. “By that, I mean the final 26 miles lasted over two hours.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 39th in the Brantley Gilbert Big Machine 400 at Indianapolis after blowing an engine just 18 laps into the race.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be joining the NBC booth next year as a race analyst,” Elliott said. “To the legions of Earnhardt Jr. fans out there, NBC will heretofore be known as ‘Junior Station.’”

10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne outlasted the weather, late crashes, and several restarts to win the Brickyard 400, ending a 102-race winless streak.

“After a long hot day at Indianapolis,” Kahne said, “I stole a win and got to kiss the bricks. You could say I made out like a bandit.”

July 24, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished third at New Hampshire, posting his seventh top five of the season. He leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 38 points.

“Toyota’s led 290 of 301 laps on Sunday,” Truex said. “That should be alarming to U.S. manufacturers. They used to dominate NASCAR. Gosh, if only someone would take it upon themselves to ‘Make America Great Again.’”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson won the pole but had it stripped after failing post-qualifying inspection.

“It was not a good week for me and inspections,” Larson said. “Earlier in the week, I was penalized 35 points for using an illegal rear brake cooling assembly at Kentucky. I profess my innocence, though. To use an overused term, this reeks of a ‘witch hunt,’ and my car is the ‘Target.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the Overton 301 at New Hampshire, recording his seventh top five of the year.

“NASCAR used a traction compound at New Hampshire in hopes of promoting side-by-side racing,” Harvick said. “This is 2017 New Hampshire—when someone says ‘Put down that sticky icky,’ it’s NASCAR officials and not marijuana regulators.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch started seventh in the Overton 301 and won Stage 2 on his way to a 12th at New Hampshire.

“I’m frustrated,” Busch said. “I’ve now gone one full year without a win in the Monster Energy Cup series. You could say I’m ‘year-ning’ for a win.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 10th at New Hampshire, posting his seventh top 10 of the year.

“I put myself at a disadvantage from the beginning,” Johnson said. “I was penalized for jumping the start and had to serve a drive-through penalty. As infractions go, my offense was pretty minor. It was a slap on the wrist, which, sadly, is more action than a fight between two of today’s NASCAR drivers.”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin held off Kyle Larson to win the Overton 301 at New Hampshire, scoring his first win of the season and first for Joe Gibbs Racing.

“I could feel Larson breathing down my neck,” Hamlin said, “and, by extension, NASCAR inspectors. Luckily, I kept Larson at bay. So, once again, he didn’t ‘pass.’”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott took 11th at New Hampshire as Denny Hamlin tasted victory for the first time this season.

“Congratulations to Hamlin,” Elliott said. “He won the race and a lobster. Judging by the look on his face, Denny was a little apprehensive about holding that lobster. Of course, what driver is ever totally happy with the ‘handling?’”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski bounced back from early trouble in the pits to finish ninth in the Overton’s 301.

“We managed a good, solid finish,” Keselowski said. “We had some trouble with a jack in the pits, so I guess you would call that an ‘up-and-down’ day.”

9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray started fourth at New Hampshire and finished 17th.

“My teammate Kyle Larson has failed two inspections in the last week,” McMurray said. “Kyle may be the fastest driver in NASCAR. If there’s a Point A and a Point B, Kyle is always the fastest between the two. That’s usually because he finds a shortcut.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished seventh at New Hampshire, posting his third top 10 in the last four races. He is 10th in the points standings, 232 out of first.

“Inspections were the big news of the week in NASCAR,” Bowyer said. “I’m well aware of cheating that occurs in NASCAR. After all, I drove for Michael Waltrip Racing. Michael is a man of many talents, and ignoring the rule book is one of them. You could say he ‘wears a lot of pants;’ where the rule book is concerned, however, he wears a ‘skirt.’”

July 17, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 152 of 274 laps at Kentucky and easily handled a late restart to win the Quaker State 400.

“I dominated that race from start to finish,” Truex said. “I won Stage 1 and Stage 2, then completed the day with the victory. Total domination. I whipped the field, which makes me a ‘domina-Truex.’”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the back of the field and charged to the runner-up finish.

“NASCAR says I passed 90 cars on the night,” Larson said. “That’s a lot of passing. I doubt 90 of anything has been passed in this sport unless you’re talking about Tony Stewart and gas, or Darrell Waltrip and kidney stones.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the Quaker State 400, scoring his 11th top-10 result of the year.

“Nothing against Quaker State,” Harvick said, “but I’m sponsored by Mobil 1. And I’m also sponsored by Busch beer. Mobil 1 makes sure my car is well-oiled. Busch beer makes sure my fans are well-oiled.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Kentucky and came home with a fifth-place finish in the Quaker State 400.

“Here’s an interesting story,” Busch said. “Greg Biffle’s ex-wife alleges in a lawsuit he had a Roush Fenway Racing employee install cameras in her house without her knowledge, and that Biffle shared the footage with others. In other words, Greg had his ‘peeps’ do it for him. Has he responded to the lawsuit? Nope, not a peep from him.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s night at Kentucky Speedway ended early when he was collected when Brad Keselowski got loose on lap 88. Johnson finished last.

“I certainly don’t like being last,” Johnson said, “unless it’s at NASCAR’s year-end awards ceremony. Another place I’m last? As an icon in this sport, because I’ve made a ‘last-ing’ impression.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Kentucky, recording his sixth top five of the year and is fifth in the Monster Energy points standings.

“It was a good finish,” Elliott said, “but I’m still disappointed. I’m looking for my first victory. On the bright side, I didn’t offend anyone by cursing over the radio. So I’ll happily settle for the moral victory.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got loose on the first lap of the second stage and finished 39th at Kentucky, equalling his worst finish of the year.

“I was very critical of NASCAR’s car design,” Keselowski said. “And I tweeted as much on Twitter. So, if NASCAR wants to know who says they suck, I guess a little bird told them.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Kentucky.

“The track at Kentucky Speedway was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “And the fresh pavement didn’t provide a wide enough groove for side-by-side racing. And that made for a boring race. The only racing seen was fans ‘racing’ to the exits.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth in the Quaker State 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing cars went 4-5-6.

“That’s right,” Hamlin said. “Matt Kenseth was the only JGR driver not to finish in the top 10. And, since Matt is likely not to be back with JGR next season, you could say he’s the odd man out. Because Matt is odd.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer survived contact with Brad Keselowski early at Kentucky and salvaged a 13th in the Quaker State 400.

“The state of Kentucky is world-renowned for its bourbon,” Bowyer said. “You’ve got Jim Beam, Elijah Craig, and Evan Williams, just to name a few. ‘Clint Bowyer’ would be a perfect name for a new brand of bourbon. I think it would be the finest bourbon in the land. Now, I may be hyping it just because it has my name on, but that wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of intentionally ‘spinning.’”

July 11, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson crashed on Lap 193 in the Coke Zero 400 when he slipped in front of Ricky Stenhouse Jr., and the impact briefly sent Larson airborne. Larson finished 20th.

“That’s not the only thing that went airborne,” Larson said. “My testicles went skyward as well. Talk about an ‘aero package.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s day at Daytona ended on Lap 71 after he was collected in an accident triggered by Kyle Busch’s spin. Truex finished 34th.

“I was just a victim of circumstances,” Truex said. “And those circumstances involved Kyle Busch spinning out of control. But it could have been worse. The only thing worse that Busch physically spinning out of control is Busch mentally spinning out of control. That happens a lot more.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s Daytona race ended on Lap 106 when he blew a right rear tire and slid into traffic, damaging the No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet. Harvick finished 33rd.

“When you blow a tire at nearly 200 miles per hour,” Harvick said, “there’s not much you can do. You’re basically at the mercy of a car you have no control over. It’s kind of like what driving for Richard Childress Racing must be like today.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Daytona and now holds seventh place in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I wore a helmet sporting the likenesses of Darrell Waltrip and Bobby Allison,” Johnson said. “They have 84 career Cup wins, and I’m only one win away from joining that group. It’s awesome to be mentioned amongst those two NASCAR legends, but I haven’t let it go to my head…until now, that is.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 20th at Daytona.

“Daniel Suarez really came through on an otherwise tough day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “The rookie finished 17th. Daniel is from Mexico, and his presence in the sport has really opened a new demographic for NASCAR. That’s gonna take your typical NASCAR fan some getting used to. To them, the ‘Hispanic Market’ is a specialized convenience store.”

6. Brad Keselowski: After spinning on a Lap 106 accident, Keselowski hit the wall on lap 118, ending the day for Penske Racing after teammate Joey Logano crashed out on Lap 71.

“Congratulations to Ricky Stenhouse Jr.,” Keselowski said. “That’s his second restrictor-plate race win this season after winning at Daytona. He got a kiss from his girlfriend Danica Patrick in Victory Lane after the race. Danica absolutely loves it when her boyfriend wins, because it gives her a reason to be in Victory Lane.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 22nd in the Coke Zero 400, battling back after a lengthy slide through the grass after contact with Trevor Bayne on Lap 98.

“If you were listening to my radio feed,” Elliott said, “you probably heard me curse when I spun. And if you’re listening to my radio feed, you probably know I just signed a contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports. Together, those two facts mean I’m ‘filthy rich.’”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray survived a chaotic Coke Zero 400 with a 14th at Daytona. He is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 163 out of first.

“There were a number of wrecks that could be classified as the ‘Big One,’” McMurray said. “But let’s not kid ourselves. The real ‘Big One‘ is McDonald’s Dollar Menu. With food that cheap, you really don’t need to restrict anything on your plate.”

9. Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse passed David Ragan with two laps to go and held on to win the Coke Zero 400. It was Stenhouse’s second win this season.

“I was lucky to even be in the race at that point,” Stenhouse said. “Kyle Larson wrecked in front of me on Lap 193, but I didn’t hit him because his car went airborne and sailed over me. I guess that gives new meaning to ‘piloting’ a race car.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took the runner-up spot in the Coke Zero 400 at Daytona, posting his fourth top five of the year.

“Richard Petty turned 80 on July 2nd,” Bowyer said. “Personally, I admire Richard. He drove in an era when drivers were defined by toughness, guts, and a willingness to scrap for every inch. In those days, you had the ‘King;’ these days, Danica Patrick is certainly not the only driver classified as a ‘princess.’”

July 3, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson started from the pole, his fourth of the year, but struggled at Sonoma on his way to a 26th at the California road course.

“Much is said of the elevation changes on Sonoma’s 2.52-mile road course,” Larson said. “I would tend to agree, especially after starting on the pole and finishing 26th. Because apparently, it was all downhill.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 and won the first stage before a late engine failure ended his day at Sonoma. He finished 37th and dropped out of the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I could tell something was wrong with the car,” Truex said. “It just didn’t sound right. Unlike Ryan Newman, I don’t need a college degree in ‘engine-ear-ing‘ to be able to detect a sour engine with my ears.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took charge late at Sonoma to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350, taking his first win of 2017 and first road course win of his Cup career.

“I had a whopping nine second lead before the race ended under caution,” Harvick said. “That’s certainly not what NASCAR was hoping for. They wanted it ‘closer;’ instead, they got the ‘Closer.’

And speaking of ‘nine seconds,’ I had about that many runner-up finishes last season.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 13th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, and is seventh in the points standings, 176 behind Kyle Larson.

“Chad Knaus had his laptop stolen recently,” Johnson said. “That laptop had his race notes for the race at Sonoma, and we needed those to maximize our performance. So, that made for a very ‘hard drive’ on Sunday.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Sonoma, posting his eighth top-five finish of the season. He is sixth in the points standings, 164 out of first.

“I’m being mentioned as the most likely replacement for Dale Earnhardt Jr. at Hendrick Motorsports,” Keselowski said. “If Penske Racing wants to keep me, then they should pay me what I’m worth. If not, then I’ll be sure to make the move to Hendrick with my belongings in a Penske moving truck.”

6. Kyle Busch: Still in search of his first win this season, Busch finished fifth at Sonoma, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin, who finished fourth, in the top five.

“I’m certainly disappointed,” Busch said. “I’m arguably the most talented driver in NASCAR, yet I don’t have a single win this season. There are 11 drivers with wins this season, and I’m not one of them. So, where victories are concerned, my record, much like my complexion, pales in comparison.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his ninth top 10 of the year with an eighth at Sonoma. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings but has yet to capture a win this season.

“Alon Day became the first Israeli driver to start a race at NASCAR’s highest level,” Elliott said. “That’s great to see. Now, all he needs is a beer sponsor. If there’s not already a low-calorie beer named ‘Israel Lite,’ there needs to be.”

8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray started second at Sonoma alongside Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson and raced to a 10th-place finish in the Monster Energy Cup series first road course race of the season.

“If you’ve ever raced at Sonoma,” McMurray said, “you understand the importance of monitoring your brakes. Brake wear is basically a common thread across all forms of racing. In fact, if you’re a fan of Formula 1, you are no doubt familiar with the impact of ‘brake checking.’”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 after a late charge at Sonoma.

“Former teammate Carl Edwards says he doesn’t miss racing and has no plans to end his retirement,” Hamlin said. “I think that’s smart on Carl’s part. I’m sure if he returned, he would end up retiring once again. Then we could call Carl the ‘cousin twice removed.’”

10. Joey Logano: Logano finished 12th at Sonoma and is now 10th in the points standings.

“Kevin Harvick and Kyle Larson were both born in California,” Logano said. “So both the race winner and pole sitter were very motivated to do well in their home state. Well, the driver known as ‘Sliced Bread’ made a name for himself in the great state of Connecticut. You could say I was born and ‘bread’ there.”

June 27, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 233 laps and won Stage 2 on his way to a third-place finish in the Coca-Cola 600.

“That’s the third consecutive year I’ve led the most laps in the Coke 600,” Truex said, “and all I have to show for it is one win and a lousy t-shirt.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the rear of the Coca-Cola 600 after he failed to pass inspection in time for a qualifying lap. He raced as high as third before scraping the wall on lap 153, then smacked the wall harder 45 laps later, which ended his day. He finished 33th and dropped out of the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“By the time I passed inspection,” Larson said, “I didn’t have time to turn a qualifying lap. In a sport based on speed, I guess we first need to be faster at passing inspection.”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson ran out of gas two laps from the finish, which allowed Austin Dillon to win his first Cup race. Johnson finished 17th.

“Much like my fuel intake system,” Johnson said, “this sucks. But congratulations go to Dillon. He really proved he belongs with the big boys. You know, a lot of people thought he got a NASCAR ride only because of Richard Childress. I think that’s called being ‘grandfathered in.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s Charlotte experience ended abruptly when he rear-ended Chase Elliott, whose No. 24 slowed dramatically after running over a piece of debris from Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car. Keselowski finished 39th.

“I’m not sure what piece came off of Earnhardt’s car,” Keselowski said. “But knowing it came from Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car, I’m guessing it was a piece of junk.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Charlotte and finished eighth despite dealing with a loose wheel early in the race, then a spin caused by some fluid on the track.

“Congratulations to Austin Dillon and Richard Childress,” Harvick said. “I know the importance of winning as an RCR driver. Whenever I won in an RCR car, both Richard and I celebrated. So the partying may have been mutual, but the parting was not.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott crashed out early at Charlotte when he ran over a piece of Jeffrey Earnhardt’s car and was subsequently smashed from behind by Brad Keselowski. Elliott finished 38th.

“It’s not the first time an Earnhardt has disappointed a fan base this season,” Elliott said.

7. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Charlotte and is sixth in the points standings, 106 out of first.

“Austin Dillon and his team made all the right calls,” McMurray said. “And it’s good to see the No. 3 in Victory Lane. But I don’t think anyone is going to start calling Dillon ‘The Intimidator’ anytime soon. Based on his fuel mileage victory, I think a more fitting nickname would be the ‘Fume-igator.’”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 21st at Charlotte, one lap down, and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“It wasn’t the best of days for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “First, neither Will Power nor Helio Castroneves won at Indianapolis. Brad Keselowski and I? We didn’t have any luck ‘In-dy Car’ either.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch likely had the fastest car on the track but finished a disappointing second to Austin Dillon, who successfully gambled on fuel strategy to capture the win.

“Leave it to a Busch brother to be ornery after a second-place finish,” Busch said. “As it was, I came up short, in the race and in the post-race press conference.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 14th at Charlotte and is now ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 343 out of first.

“Channing Tatum gave the command to start the engines,” Bowyer said. “Tatum was in Charlotte to promote his movie, ‘Logan Lucky,’ which takes place at Charlotte Motor Speedway and involves some type of robbery during the Coca- Cola 600. I think Austin Dillon will serve as a special consultant because he stole the race on Sunday.”

May 29, 2017
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson found trouble early at Talladega when he made contact with Jamie McMurray, which cut a tire on the No. 42 Target Chevrolet. Larson recovered and worked his way up to a 12th-place finish as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. took the win.

“Great race by Ricky,” Larson said. “His father, Ricky Stenhouse Sr. was briefly taken into police custody when he tried to reach Victory Circle via a route that allowed no pedestrians. Police eventually realized he was related, and he was released, only to arrive in Victory Circle to find someone else, Danica Patrick to be exact, ‘having relations’ with his son. Okay, so maybe they were just kissing.”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Like many top drivers, Truex was caught in the “Big One,” a lap 171 melee triggered by contact from A.J. Allmendinger on Chase Elliott.

“I was asked to describe Talladega in three words,” Truex said. “I responded ‘Good, bad, and ugly.’ That was a Clint Eastwood movie. I think a more fitting title would have been ‘Sudden Impact.’ Or better yet, ‘Any Which Way You Can,’ or ‘Every Which Way But Loose.’”

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished eighth in the Geico 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“Everybody knew the ‘Big One’ was coming,” Johnson said. “NASCAR chairman Brian France likes to refer to himself as the ‘Big One.’ NASCAR drivers, on the other hand, like to say the ‘Big One’ when referring to France’s second chin.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 at Talladega and survived the “Big One” with 20 laps to go on his way to a seventh in the Geico 500.

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr. gave Roush Fenway Racing its first win since June of 2014,” Keselowski said. “It appears Jack Roush is relevant again. He even congratulated Stenhouse. In other words, Jack finally took his hat off.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott was running second on lap 171 when he was bumped by A.J. Allmendinger, sending Elliott’s No. 24 Hooter’s car into oncoming traffic.

“I nearly went airborne,” Elliott said. “And speaking of instances where gravity seems to briefly be suspended, how about the Hooter’s sponsorship on my car? Come to Hooter’s and you’ll see not one, but several ‘Big Ones.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano’s day ended in a huge crash with 20 laps to go at Talladega, leaving him with a disappointing 32nd-place finish.

“We had a car that was capable of winning,” Logano said, “but circumstances beyond my control prevented that. Honestly, I felt like I was cheated.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was a victim of Talladega’s lap 171 crash that involved 18 cars. Harvick eventually finished 23rd.

“It was pure car-nage,” Harvick said. “There’s only one thing worse than being involved in the ‘Big One,’ and that’s knowing it’s coming and not being able to do anything about it. So, in addition to cars, nerves are wrecked as well.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch led a race-high 48 laps, and seemed headed to the win until Ricky Stenhouse Jr. passed him for the win on the final lap. Busch finished third and is 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“We clearly had the best car in the field,” Busch said. “Unfortunately, the No. 18 Skittles Toyota doesn’t have a win to show for it. If there’s a slogan for our performance, it would be ‘Skittles: Waste the rainbow.’”

9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished second at Talladega as Ricky Stenhouse Jr. won his first Monster Energy Cup race. McMurray is fifth in the points standings, 110 behind Kyle Larson,

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s win will be a life-changer,” McMurray said. “This could be the first of many wins to come for him. On the other hand, it could the only win of his career. In that case, he will always remember the ‘Big One’ at Talladega.”

10.(tie) Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse passed Kyle Busch with a lap remaining in an overtime finish at Talladega. It was Stenhouse’s first Monster Energy Cup series victory.

“I was met in Victory Lane with a kiss from Danica Patrick,” Stenhouse said. “I guess you could say I made out like a winner. And, as an added benefit to everyone, our lips were locked, so Danica couldn’t talk.”

10.(tie) Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 14th in the Geico 500 and is ninth in the points standings, 85 out of first.

“I’m just glad I made it through the race with my car in one piece,” Bowyer said. “There are a lot of drivers who can’t say that. The one thing that broke loose on their cars was ‘all hell.’”

May 9, 2017