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  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch kept his hot streak alive with a third-place finish at Watkins Glen, and although he didn’t win, he moved into 30th place in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “We played the finish conservatively,” Busch said. “I took an unnecessary chance last week at Pocono, not to mention one in Iredell County, North Carolina back in 2011. I got busted in both instances.

    “This time, we played it safe. Sometimes, you’ve gotta think ‘big picture.’ And I’m always thinking ‘big picture,’ because that’s the only one my ego will fit in.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick ran out of fuel in the final corner at Watkins Glen, handing Joey Logano the win while settling for third.

    “Logano overtook a car that was out of fuel,” Harvick said. “That’s called ‘passing gas.’ I tried to wreck Logano as he went by. And, much like my fuel tank, it came up empty.”

    3. Joey Logano: Logano passed Kevin Harvick in the final corner after Harvick’s fuel ran out, giving Logano the win in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen.

    “I’m just happy to get the win,” Logano said. “Fuel mileage races don’t really tell us who’s best. They do, however, tell us who ‘sucks’ the least.

    “I knew I had plenty of fuel to chase Harvick. And I knew if I pressed the issue, I could make him run out. In essence, I put him back in a Richard Childress Racing car, because he slowed to a crawl.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Despite a late spin caused by Tony Stewart’s blown engine, Johnson salvaged a tenth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “You may have seen me in a commercial for ‘Burnt Rubber,’” Johnson said. “It’s a new fragrance from Sunoco, and it’s left its mark on the cologne industry. Unfortunately, it’s a skid mark. Let’s just be thankful that the latest NASCAR-themed cologne wasn’t called ‘Dick Trickle.’”

    5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, just missing his 14th top-10 finish of the season.

    “It was a tough day for a lot of drivers,” Earnhardt said. “Particularly Tony Stewart. He finished last. Plus, he experienced something that often happen to fans of Junior Nation when they break out their finest china for an important meal—he got ‘served with papers.’”

    6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex qualified second and suffered a flat tire with 22 laps to go, ruining what would have been a solid day and settling for a 25th-place finish.

    “Some drivers ran out of gas,” Truex said, “while some, like me, ran out of air. Others ran out of talent. Still others had no talent to begin with. The remainder drive for Michael Waltrip Racing.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win at Watkins Glen.

    “Joey had luck on his side,” Keselowski said. “My No. 2 Ford did not. Maybe, instead of having ‘Miller Lite’ plastered on the side of my car, we should have had ‘Miller Fortune’ there.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch claimed fifth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, posting his seventh top-5 finish of the year.

    “Kevin Harvick clearly had the fastest car on the track,” Busch said. “Then he ran out of fuel. He was more than ‘good,’ he was best….till the last drop.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led two laps and finished fourth at Watkins Glen, one of three Joe Gibbs Racing cars in the top 10.

    “That’s two consecutive fuel mileage races,” Kenseth said. “I won at Pocono, and was pretty close to winning at Watkins Glen. That really would have established me as a driver who knows how to make a drop of fuel last. I guess I would have been known as the ‘Wizard Of Oz.’”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Watkins Glen, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

    “Did you see Denny Hamlin speeding around the track with his hood up on the No. 11 FedEx Toyota?” Edwards said. “That performance earned Denny the nickname ‘Little Fed Riding Hood.’”

  • Joey Logano Wins Cheez-It 355 at The Glen; Sweeps Weekend

    Joey Logano Wins Cheez-It 355 at The Glen; Sweeps Weekend

    WATKINS GLEN, NY – The 30th running of the Cheez-It 355 at The Glen is in the books, and yet again, Watkins Glen International has produced an exciting race weekend. The Glen solidified their spot atop the polls after announcing all reserved grandstand tickets for Sunday’s running of the Cheez-It 355 had sold out.

    Watkins Glen International commented on the sell-out, stating, “A reserved grandstand sell-out shows just how dedicated and passionate Watkins Glen International fans are.”

    Dedicated is one way to describe it, as WGI announced earlier in the week that they had created additional campsites to accommodate the enormous demand for camping at the facility.

    Sunday’s Cheez-It 355 at The Glen was as eventful as we’ve seen over recent years at Watkins Glen International. Instead of the large crashes and flared tempers, fans saw a clean race out of some of the top contenders for the championship. The race on Sunday progressed as many recent races at the 2.45-mile road course, with fuel strategy coming into play. This year was different in the sense that there was no caution within the last 20 laps.

    Fast forward through the first five cautions, and you have the top 10 cars stacked up as follows: Kevin Harvick, Matt Kenseth, Martin Truex Jr., Kyle Larson, Dale Earnhardt Jr., David Ragan, Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, Greg Biffle and Sam Hornish Jr. Final pit stops were made over the course of the final yellow of the afternoon between laps 58 and 60, and the only car with a glimmer of hope to make the finish on fuel was the No. 22 Shell Pennzoil Ford driven by Joey Logano.

    Slowly but surely over the course of the final 20 laps, Logano, followed closely by Kyle Busch, picked their way through the field and into the top five. With seven laps remaining, Logano was shown in second, lurking behind the No. 4 of Kevin Harvick.  Harvick, whose radio chatter was not mentioning anything about having enough fuel to make the finish of the race, sealed the most laps led (29), but would come up short in the end.

    As the laps wound down, radios were full of talk about who could make it, who would be short, and predictions of a late race caution ran rampant. There was no late race caution, and on the final lap it looked like Harvick had done what he needed to to save fuel and stay in the lead, and when Logano overshot turn one, a win for the No. 4 team became all but inevitable.

    The only caveat in the formula for a third victory this season for Harvick was the amount of fuel in his gas tank. Though he had a clear track in front of him and space between him and Logano, Harvick’s luck would run out between turns six and seven when he finally ran out of fuel. Logano made the pass on the outside in turn seven and took the checkered flag for the 10th time in his career.

    Logano was ecstatic in Victory Lane following his sweep of both the NASCAR Sprint Cup and NASCAR XFINITY Series races this weekend at Watkins Glen International.

    “This is the coolest weekend of my life,” Logano exclaimed. “Every driver wants to add a road course victory to their resume. This is a dream come true to win at this place.”

    The win marks Logano’s second victory and 16th top-10 finish in 2015. It was the first time in track history for a driver to sweep both the NASCAR Sprint Cup and NASCAR XFINITY Series races at Watkins Glen International.

    Kyle Busch, who led once for three laps, finished second in the Cheez-It 355 at The Glen and moved into the top 30 in points, the stipulation for him making the 2015 Chase for the Sprint Cup.

    “We knew we would be (in the top 30 in points), which is probably a reason we played it safe on the fuel strategy,” Busch said. “I could have had a chance and raced the 22 (Logano), but we wanted to make sure we made it to the end.”

    NASCAR Sprint Cup Series points leader Kevin Harvick, who barely missed the win at the end, had enough fuel to make it to the start-finish line in third.

    “I thought I did a pretty good job of saving fuel,” Harvick explained, “and I was only running as fast as I needed to to stay in the lead. Once the No.22 got to me, I had to pick up the pace a little bit. We were in position for the win, two corners away, but that’s just how the middle of this season has gone for us.”

    The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series moves on to Michigan International Speedway next weekend for the Pure Michigan 400 on Sunday, August 16.

  • AJ Allmendinger Wins Pole for Sunday’s Cheez-It 355 at The Glen

    AJ Allmendinger Wins Pole for Sunday’s Cheez-It 355 at The Glen

    Last year’s winner at Watkins Glen will begin his quest to repeat in 2015 from the point position in tomorrow’s Cheez-It 355 at The Glen. AJ Allmendinger won the Coors Light Pole Award for the 30th Annual Cheez-It 355 at The Glen with a lap of 68.993 seconds, 127.839 mph.

    The driver of the No. 47 Kroger/Bush’s Beans Chevrolet posted his first ever pole in seven tries at Watkins Glen International early this afternoon in prime conditions for speed. The overcast skies made for an exciting 10 minute round two of NASCAR Sprint Cup Series qualifying. The No. 47 car has successfully swept both pole positions on road courses this season.

    The No. 47 team has found some speed overnight as the car was only 28th fastest in Final Practice on Friday afternoon. Allmendinger spoke to the media about the turnaround the team saw from practice to qualifying following Saturday’s qualifying session.

    “I didn’t know what to expect going into qualifying,” he said. “I was pretty down after the second practice yesterday. I wasn’t good. I got frustrated from it. We sat down after, debriefed, and picked through everything throughout the course of the day and said what is good, what isn’t good. Overall it was a strong day going into the day to see the changes we made to have that much speed. Rarely do you ever lead the (qualifying) sessions by over a tenth. Hopefully, we just do the right things tomorrow and give ourselves a chance to win. The guys did a great job from yesterday to today.”

    Allmendinger went to the top of the boards with less than a minute left in round two, edging out Martin Truex Jr. by just two-tenths of a second as the clock ran out. Truex posted his 11th top-10 start of 2015, and his fourth in 10 races at Watkins Glen International.

    Tony Stewart will start Sunday’s Cheez-It 355 at The Glen from his best starting spot all season. He will roll off third on Sunday, marking his third straight top-five starting spot.

    Reigning NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Champion, Kevin Harvick will roll off fourth on Sunday, and the car that was fastest in NASCAR Sprint Cup Series’ final practice on Friday, Jeff Gordon, will start fifth. Gordon, making his final start at Watkins Glen, a place where he’s won four times, set the pace in final practice on Friday, but couldn’t secure a spot in the first two rows to start Sunday’s Cheez-It 355 at The Glen.

    Kyle Larson will roll off sixth, Dale Earnhardt Jr. seventh, Kyle Busch eighth, Jimmie Johnson ninth, and Austin Dillon rounds out the top-10.

    Stay tuned for more from The Glen all weekend.

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch inherited the lead when Joey Logano ran out of gas with three laps to go, but Logano’s misfortune was a harbinger of the same for Busch, whose tank ran dry with one lap to go. Busch finished 21st.

    “My fuel tank said ‘E,’” Busch said, “then I said ‘F.’ Who would have thought that my luck and my fuel would have run out at the same time?”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, securing his 14th top 10 of the season.

    “Hendrick Motorsports put three cars in the top six,” Johnson said. “Kasey Kahne put one in the pit lane wall. That’s what you call a pit stop.

    “Pocono’s ‘Tricky Triangle’ indeed proved to be tricky. However, when you’re talking NASCAR, the triangle is not the geometric shape that first comes to mind. That would be the ‘cylinder.’ My fans know there are eight cylinders in the engine of the No. 48. On the other hand, Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s fans know there are 24 of ’em in a case.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s engine blew on lap 20 of the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, relegating him to his worst result of the year, a 42nd.

    “I’m not sure what happened,” Harvick said. “All I know is something went ‘Ke-boom! and the car went ‘Ke-put.’ And out we went in a plume of burning oil and fluids. I was upset, but Tony Stewart was elated. It’s the first time ‘Smoke’s’ had an impact on the Chase all season.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third at Pocono, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars.

    “It appears Kyle Busch isn’t invincible after all,” Earnhardt said. “For a while there, he was so dominant it looked like he could win without really trying. It took the end of the race on Sunday for validation that yes, he indeed was ‘coasting.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano was leading with three laps to go when his fuel tank ran dry. Instead of his second win of the season, he was left with a 20th-place finish.

    “In retrospect,” Logano said, “the ‘Windows 10 400’ should have been called the ‘Fuel Windows 10 400.’

    “Luckily, no one was hurt when Brad Keselowski hit some of his pit crew when he went screaming into his pit stall. Now, you can add three crewmen to the list of people who believe Brad doesn’t know when to stop.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth grabbed his second win of the year after winning a fuel mileage war at Pocono.

    “I can’t say we found a way to win,” Kenseth said. “I would say the way to win found us.

    “Out pit strategy played out to perfection and resulted in a day I’ll never forget, and I owe it all to my gas can man. To him, I say ‘Tanks for the memories.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran out of fuel with two laps to go, just moments after Joey Logano’s tank went dry while leading. Truex finished 19th and is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

    “There were a lot of cars running out of gas at the end of the race,” Truex said. “So many that it bordered on being suspicious. Was it a mysterious conspiratorial ploy by NASCAR to add excitement to an otherwise boring race? If so, it would have to be called ‘Fume-igate.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, surviving as several cars running in the top five dropped out after running out of fuel.

    “I ran into a few of my crew members on a pit stop,” Keselowski said. “Here’s the rundown on their health—they’re all okay. There’s video of the incident all over the internet, and it’s become very popular. Rumor has it Hollywood wants to base a movie on it. It will be called ‘Boyz On The Hood.’”

    9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Pocono after an accident on a lap 66 restart sent him to the garage for repairs.

    “On the bright side,” Busch said, “I had plenty of gas in my tank at race’s end. If you don’t believe me, just ask my former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. She’ll tell you I’m still full of it.”

    10. Carl Edwards: Edwards pitted late for fuel and salvaged a 10th at Pocono, his fifth top-10 result of the year.

    “What a great race,” Edwards said. “I guess NASCAR was right—-slowing the cars down does make for more exciting racing.

    “Not many drivers had the nerve to come in for gas so late in the race,” Edwards said. “Luckily, we had the guts to do it. As they say, you have to take the plunge before you take the splash.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Joey Logano on the final restart to win his first Brickyard 400 and third consecutive race. Busch also won Saturday’s XFINITY Series race at Indy.

    “The No. 18 Skittles car was top notch,” Busch said. “And now I can tell you this: Bricks taste better than the rainbow.

    “Some people have suggested that crashing into the wall at Daytona in February and breaking my left leg and right foot gave me the inspiration for my recent dominant run. I believe that’s entirely true. In fact, there are no bones about it. My injuries gave me a leg up on the competition. And I don’t think I can be stopped. But everyone knows I’m susceptible to mind games. I can’t tell you how many of my rivals have sent me copies of Pink Floyd’s album ‘The Wall.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third in the Brickyard 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 finish of the season.

    “I just couldn’t get a proper push on the restarts,” Harvick said. “Had the situation been reversed and I was the one doing the pushing, you can best believe it would have been a different story. Just ask Brad Keselowski.

    “There were three late cautions that extended the duration of the race. I didn’t think the race would ever end, and judging by the NBC Sports Network’s pre-race coverage, I didn’t think it would ever start.”

    3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 15th at Indianapolis on a disappointing day for Hendrick Motorsports. Johnson was the highest HMS finisher, and Jeff Gordon finished 42nd in his last Brickyard 400 after a spin on lap 50 ended his chances at the win.

    “Clint Bowyer caused the wreck that took out Gordon,” Johnson said. “Afterwards, Bowyer was seen chasing Jeff through the garage to confront him…with an apology.

    “But let’s go easy on the ‘Kyle Busch is championship material’ talk. A Brickyard 400 win is great, but it’s not the end-all. Sure, Crown Royal sponsored the race, so maybe Kyle’s been ‘Royally Crowned,’ but last time I checked, he’s never been officially crowned.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 22nd at Indianapolis and is now third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 100 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “It was just an unlucky day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Earnhardt said. “But congratulations to Kyle Busch. What a drive he had. Now, he’s got four wins in just nine races this season. That’s a handful, which is exactly what Kyle was when Rick Hendrick jettisoned him back in 2007.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano led the first lap at Indianapolis and was battling for the win at the end, but couldn’t catch Kyle Busch in the two-lap sprint to the finish.

    “Busch is on a roll,” Logano said, “and his attitude has improved dramatically. I guess marriage and fatherhood have mellowed him. Now, the only time Kyle ‘shows his ass’ is at the finish line.”

    6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the Brickyard 400, posting his sixth top-five finish of the year and first in the last five races.

    “Passing was at a minimum,” Truex said, “thanks to the higher rear spoiler. The aerodynamics of that made it nearly impossible to pass. That’s called ‘drag,’ and trust me, as a former driver for Michael Waltrip Racing, no one looks good in ‘drag.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Indianapolis, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished second, in the top 10.

    “I’m not the biggest Kyle Busch fan,” Keselowski said, “but even I have to commend him for his recent tear. Kyle Busch is an ass…….kicker.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Busch took eighth at Indianapolis as younger brother Kyle won his first Brickyard 400. Kurt is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 165 out of first.

    “My brother Kyle has won three consecutive NASCAR races,” Busch said, “and four of the last five. I’ve won twice. So, between us, Kyle and I have six wins and one stable relationship with a woman.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh in the Brickyard 400 on a dominant day for Joe Gibbs Racing. Teammate Kyle Busch won, Denny Hamlin finished fifth, and Carl Edwards started from the pole.

    “There were nine cautions in the race,” Kenseth said. “There was even a caution for balloons on the track. They were yellow and inflated, so I’m going to call them ‘Miss Sprint Cups.’”

    10. (tie) Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth in the Crown Royal 400, and is now 10th in the points standings.

    “Kyle Busch is in one of the most dominant stretches NASCAR has seen in years,” Hamlin said. “He’s won at a 1.5-mile track at Kentucky, a one-mile track at New Hampshire, and a 2.5-mile oval at Indianapolis. He’s like Jeremy Mayfield—-he can find speed anywhere.”

    10. (tie) Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Indianapolis and finished 13th.

    “That was my second consecutive start from the pole,” Edwards said. “Of course, I didn’t win either race, so you didn’t get to see my celebratory backflip. Who cares, right? Everybody knows Kyle Busch has the best finishing move in NASCAR.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished ninth in the Quaker State 400, recording his 13th top 10 of the year.

    “Junior’s wasn’t the only car that was ‘unstoppable,’” Johnson said. “Those Joe Gibbs Racing cars were as well, and it had nothing to do with brakes.

    “Hopefully, Junior and Danica Patrick can work out their differences. Junior has already apologized. I suggest Danica accept it and move on. In other words, she needs to put the whole situation in her rear-view mirror. Unfortunately, the only thing she usually sees in her rear-view mirror is the leader.”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started 15th and finished a solid eighth at Kentucky. He continues to lead the Sprint Cup points standings, holding a 68-point lead over Jimmie Johnson and Joey Logano.

    “Thankfully,” Harvick said, “there were no cars going airborne. What happened at Daytona shouldn’t happen at a NASCAR race. The only things that should be in the stands are fights, not debris. Sadly though, keeping tires on the ground is inversely proportionate to keeping fans in the seats.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt battled brake issues for much of Saturday’s Quaker State 400 and finished 21st.

    “I even got into the back of Danica Patrick,” Earnhardt said. “And she told me to go ‘F’ myself. ‘F’ seems to be here favorite letter. ‘L’ is high on the list, also. ‘W’ is certainly not.

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished a disappointing 17th at Kentucky and has now gone three races without a top 10 after posting only one finish outside the top 10 to start the season.

    “You can call it a slump,” Truex said, “but what’s really news is the ‘bump.’ That’s what Dale Earnhardt Jr. did to Danica Patrick when his brakes failed and he slammed the back of her car. It’s a pity that Junior ruined Danica’s night, because she was destined to finish first, no doubt. Talk about a ‘rear spoiler.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano led 23 laps and finished second at Kentucky, posting his 10th top-10 of the year.

    “I had nothing for Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “He passed me and was gone. Kudos to Kyle, though. He did something my father never could, and that’s leave me alone.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski had the car to challenge Kyle Busch, but a string of slow pit stops ruined his chances for the win. He still finished sixth and is sixth in the points standings, 133 out of first.

    “My guys put the ‘stop’ in ‘pit stop,’” Keselowski said. “We pretty much just gave the race to Kyle. And if I give the race to Kyle, you can assuredly assume that he will assent to taking advantage of it.

    7. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his fifth consecutive top-10 finish with a 10th at Kentucky, as little brother Kyle won in impressive fashion.

    “Kyle beat Joey Logano to the checkered flag,” Busch said, “which just supports the old adage, ‘Bro’s before Jo’s.’ And Kyle took his customary ‘bow’ after the win. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t perform a ‘Kurt-sy’ after I win.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished fifth as Joe Gibbs Racing dominated at Kentucky, with Kyle Busch winning and all four JGR cars placing in the top-five.

    “Obviously, we’re all big fans of NASCAR’s new aerodynamic rules package,” Kenseth said. “Especially Chad Knaus, who lives by the mantra ‘More rules means more rules to break.’”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch passed Joey Logano with 19 laps to go and ran away with the victory in the Quaker State 400. Busch has now won two of the last three races and now sits 35th in the points standings.

    “I went by Logano,” Busch said, “then went bye.

    “Gibbs Racing was strong up and down the line. Carl Edwards’ fourth-place finish was some welcome good news for Subway in the wake of the Jared Fogle scandal. Carl, in fact, was thrilled with his car’s handling. So it’s good for him that Jared’s ‘hard drive’ is in the news and not Carl’s.”

    10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished seventh in his final race at Kentucky Speedway. He is 10th in the Sprint Cup points standings, 155 out of first.

    “I’ve never won at Kentucky,” Gordon said, “so I’m disappointed. Kentucky is known for a lot of things, like their horses, their chicken, their jelly and their bourbon. I was honored with 24 bottles of the latter from each of the state’s four master distilleries. I’m sure most NASCAR fans can relate when I say I just got ‘liquored up.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Daytona as a massive crash developed back in the field as the leaders crossed the finish line. Hendrick teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the race while HMS cohort Jeff Gordon took sixth.

    “I don’t think you can necessarily blame anyone for the carnage on the last lap,” Johnson said, “so I don’t think anyone should be punished for it. But Austin Dillon should certainly be ‘grounded.’

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Daytona, but not before making contact with Denny Hamlin, who hit Austin Dillon’s No. 3 and sent it airborne into the fence. Dillon was not hurt, and Harvick remained atop the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “Dillon’s No. 3 car went flying in the air,” Harvick said. “I know exactly what it’s like to be a Richard Childress Racing driver and feel like things are ‘up in the air.’ But I knew he’d be okay because I’m an optimist, not a pessimist, and certainly not a nepotist.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After qualifying was rained out, Earnhardt started on the pole at Daytona and won the rain-delayed Coke Zero 400, which ended at well past midnight.

    “That race ended at 2:41 on Monday morning,” Earnhardt said, “and it ended with a scary crash that really freaked me out. So, the night ended with an ‘A.M.’ on the clock and a ‘B.M.’ in my pants.

    “I’m up to second in the points standings. And my two wins puts me in great position in the Chase For The Cup. But if I don’t win the championship, I’ll be all right. I’m in love with the idea of winning the Sprint Cup title, but I’m not married to it.”

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: One week after a miserable day at Sonoma, Truex was collected in a crash triggered by Kasey Kahne that left Truex with a 38th-place finish.

    “My accident was nothing compared to the last-lap incident,” Truex said. “That was frightening. You’ve heard of ‘three-wide’ racing. Austin Dillon went ‘three-high.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano, who won the Daytona 500 in February to open the season, finished 22nd despite falling four laps down early in the race.

    “It was a grueling day at Daytona,” Logano said. “The race didn’t go green until 11:42 Sunday night and ended at 2:41 Monday morning. So, like most NASCAR races, fans were asleep by the end.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch, seeking his third win of the season, brought home a fifth-place finish in the Coke Zero 400, the culmination of a crash-filled weekend at Daytona International Speedway.

    “Brad Keselowski wrecked my brother Kyle in Friday’s practice,” Busch said. “And NBC, back covering NASCAR, was there to broadcast it. They’re proud as a peacock while Keselowski is still a chicken.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s No. 2 Alliance Truck parts Ford was damaged in a mid-race pileup that eventually left him with a 29th-place finish in the Coke Zero 400. He is now seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 136 out of first.

    “It was a tough day for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “Both Joey Logano and I found our fair share of trouble on the track, plus we didn’t have the speed anyway to match the Hendrick cars. On the plus side, it’s a good time not to be considered ‘race-ist.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 23rd at Daytona while Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin spun across the finish line in third after contact sent Austin Dillon’s car rocketing over three lanes of traffic in a spectacular final lap crash.

    “Dillon went airborne and slammed into the catchfence,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards knows exactly what it feels like to be Dillon, because Carl’s never won a championship either.

    “Daytona offered a ‘flag exchange in which you could turn in your Confederate flag for an American flag. It’s just too bad Alan Kulwicki can’t be there to provide a ‘Pole.’”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 15th at Daytona and moved up one spot in the points standings to sixth, 130 out of first.

    “Thank goodness everyone’s okay following that huge last-lap crash,” McMurray said. “As it was, the race itself was the only thing that was ‘in morning.’”

    10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished sixth in the Coke Zero 400 on a strong day for Hendrick Motorsports, as teammates Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 1-2, respectively.

    “What a great race by Dale and Jimmie,” Gordon said. “I’m proud to call those guys my teammates. I can also call them business partners, associates and friends. Heck, I could even call them my confederates. Now, all that remains to be seen is what will fly longer, the Confederate flag, or our race cars themselves.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth at Sonoma, passed by eventual winner Kyle Busch with six laps remaining. Johnson is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 70 out of first.

    “Maybe we should have pitted during that final caution,” Johnson said. “But we had a strategy and we wanted to stick to it. I’m not one to question any decision Chad Knaus makes. If he says ‘Jump,’ usually I say ‘How high?’ Chad then says, ‘1/32 of an inch beyond NASCAR specifications.’

    “Busch was driving like a man possessed. He really took this Sonoma ‘making wine from grapes’ thing to heart and ‘stepped on it.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Sonoma, posting his eleventh top-five result of the year. He’s on top of the points standings with a 53-point lead on Martin Truex Jr.

    “Congratulations to Kyle Busch on his win,” Harvick said. “He’s one step closer to making the Chase. That means that Kyle, along with his brother Kurt, will both likely make the Chase. And just when I thought I was done with the ‘terrible two’s.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s day at Sonoma ended early when he was wrecked by David Ragan on lap 31. Truex finished 42nd, his worst finish of the year.

    “Ragan just plain ran me off the road,” Truex said. “He was driving that Michael Waltrip Racing No. 55 sponsored by Aaron Rents. I promise there will be revenge. Much like a sucker who rents furniture at outrageous interest rates from a place like that, there will be ‘hell to pay.’”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished seventh in the Save Mart 350 as Hendrick Motorsports drivers took positions 6, 7 and 8. Jimmie Johnson finished sixth, Kasey Kahne took eighth and Jeff Gordon came home 16th.

    “We’ve got Microsoft 10 sponsorship on the No. 88 car,” Earnhardt said. “That just shows you how times have changed in NASCAR. My father used to call some of his rivals tiny and weak, or ‘Microsoft.’

    “As you know, I became engaged a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure I disappointed a lot of female Junior Nation members. But let’s face it, I’m just a bit out of their league. I wouldn’t touch them with a 10-Foot Coors Light Pole,’ much less ask them to marry me.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his eighth top-five result of the year.

    “What a run by Kyle Busch,” Logano said. “With Sonoma being wine country and me being ‘Sliced Bread,’ I’d like to propose a ‘toast.’”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch started second on the grid at Sonoma and finished second to younger brother Kyle Busch in the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “Kyle celebrated with a glass of wine in Victory Circle,” Busch said. “And I’m so happy for him. People like it better when the Busch brothers are happy. When we’re not, it’s a case of fortified ‘whine.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled to a 19th-place finish in the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “Brian France wants to remove the Confederate flag from NASCAR,” Keselowski said. “And he’s not just whistling Dixie. But let’s be real. The one flag NASCAR needs to get rid of most is the yellow.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started third at Sonoma and finished 21st as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch charged to the win.

    “Now all four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers have a win this season,” Kenseth said. “This time, Kyle Busch drove his tail off, as opposed to his leg. Then he did donuts in Victory Lane and donuts are the closest he wants to get to the police these days.”

    9. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished eighth in the Toyota Save Mart 350 at Sonoma, recording his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “Now that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is engaged,” Kahne said, “I’m now NASCAR’s most eligible bachelor. But I’m in no hurry to get hitched. Let’s just say I like to play the field, which means I’m currently involved with 43 women.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch won for the first time this year and a mere five weeks after returning from a broken leg suffered at Daytona in February, taking the Toyota Save Mart 350.

    “For those who doubted my ability after such an injury,” Busch said, “this win in Northern California wine country should put a cork in it.

    “The road course at Sonoma has more twists and turns than the Kurt Busch-Patricia Driscoll saga. I think Kurt now knows better than to get involved with an assassin. We’ll see whether women will know better than to get involved with an ass.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was damaged when he went three-wide early in the Quicken Loans 400. The consequences cost Johnson track position and he eventually finished 19th after battling his way back for the remainder of the race.

    “You heard right,” Johnson said. “I went three-wide. That’s something the average NASCAR fan can’t relate to. But they can come close because the average NASCAR fan can certainly relate to going ‘double-wide.’”

    2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 63 laps at Michigan, but his day was derailed by tire troubles that left him with a 29th-place finish, his worst result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 15 over Martin Truex Jr.

    “Hey,” Harvick said, “finishing 29th isn’t all that bad. ‘29’ was my car number at Richard Childress Racing. And finishing 29th reminded me why I left RCR in the first place.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took third in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 of the year. He trails Kevin Harvick by 15 in the points standings.

    “Rain interrupted Sunday’s race four times,” Truex said. “In fact, there were so many water ‘breaks,’ it reminded me of pregnant NASCAR wives.”

    4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second at Michigan, tops among Hendrick Motorsports drivers. He is fourth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

    “The No. 88 Chevy was sponsored by Amp Energy’s new ‘Passion Fruit’ flavor,” Earnhardt said. “I’m not sure that flavor appeals to the good people of Junior Nation. If there’s a fruit they’re passionate about, it better be in the form of schnapps.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano placed fifth in the Quicken Loan 400, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year.

    “How did Kurt Busch pull out the win?” Logano said. “The rain came at precisely the right moment. And all this time I thought he was trying to get the dark cloud away from him.”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fifth, in the top 10.

    “Logano won at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and I won at California. And Penske hasn’t won since. You could say we’re just ‘coasting.’”

    7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took fourth at Michigan, scoring his sixth top-five result of the season.

    “My son, Ross, got his first win in the ARCA racing series on Friday night,” Kenseth said. “Obviously, talent runs in the family. There are a lot of drivers who’ll argue that I’m the only thing that ‘runs’ in the family.”

    8. Kurt Busch: Kurt Busch won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, taking the lead when Kyle Larson was forced to pit for fuel. A downpour ensued, and Busch had his second win of the year.

    “I won today,” Busch said. “That means I have a checkered present to go along with my checkered past.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Michigan after starting 13th on the grid.

    “Congratulations to Kurt Busch,” Hamlin said. “After two wins this season, he must feel vindicated. Especially now that the feds are investigating his former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. Apparently, her most covert operation may have been her accounting.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, scoring his third consecutive seventh-place finish.

    “I feel for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “He deserved the win, but the rain, or lack thereof, cost him. If the weather were as predictable as racing itself, Larson would have had the win.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Charlotte, recording his 11th top-10 finish of the year. He leads the points standings, ahead of Martin Truex Jr. by 41.

    “The Coke 600 marked the return of Kyle Busch,” Harvick said, “and he finished a solid 11th. He was in the No. 18 Skittles car. As you may know, the Skittles motto is ‘Taste the Rainbow.’ A typical rainbow is usually comprised of seven colors, which is six more than a typical crowd at a NASCAR race.”

    2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson lost control on lap 273 at Charlotte and slammed the inside wall, ruining his night in the Coca-Cola 600. He eventually finished 40th, 30 laps behind.

    “Thank goodness that SAFER barrier was there,” Johnson said. “The crash may have looked violent, but it was not. In fact, it was a ‘Lowe’s impact’ collision.

    “One year ago, that SAFER barrier wasn’t even in place. Back then, with the letters rearranged, it was called the FEARS barrier.”

    3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third in the Coca-Cola 600, posting his seventh top-five of the season. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “You know who else finished third?” Earnhardt said. “Lewis Hamilton at the Formula 1 Grand Prix Of Monaco. Somebody asked Lewis after the race what it felt like to give away the win like that. He said, ‘It’s the pits.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano led 17 laps and finished 13th at Charlotte while Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took seventh. Logano is third in the points standings, 66 behind Kevin Harvick.

    “What a race by Juan Pablo Montoya at Indianapolis,” Logano said. “He celebrated with the traditional bottle of milk. Now, if you would have told me before the race about a Colombian and a ‘white substance,’ milk certainly wouldn’t have entered my mind.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led a race-high 131 laps in the Coca-Cola 600 and finished fifth, earning his 11th top 10 of the year.

    “I hate to be a whiner,” Truex said, “but I lost a fuel mileage race, outdone by drivers who saved gas. And I’m not happy. They’re celebrating in the ‘conservatory,’ which is the same place I play the world’s smallest violin.”

    6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished tenth at Charlotte, posting his fifth top 10 of the year.

    “I was proud of my brother Kyle,” Busch said. “He had a great finish at Charlotte. He wanted to return sooner, but I talked him out of it. I quoted an Iredell County sheriff when I said, ‘What’s your rush?’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh in the Coca-Cola 600 and is now sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings.

    “I welcomed a baby girl into the world on Saturday,” Keselowski said. “I don’t think she looks a bit like me, but people tell me she’s got my gums. I even had to look over my shoulder for Kevin Harvick when the doctor told my girlfriend Paige White to ‘push.’”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on pole at Charlotte and finished fourth after leading 26 laps. He is seventh in the points standings, 101 out of first.

    “Carl Edwards was finally able to perform his signature back flip,” Kenseth said. “That’s the first time since joining JGR that he’s landed on his feet.”

    9. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead on lap 382 at Charlotte and ran away from the field, taking the Coca-Cola 600 win, his first in 31 races and first as a Joe Gibbs Racing driver.

    “It was great to take the No. 19 car with Subway sponsorship to victory lane,” Edwards said. “Up until Charlotte, I don’t think I’ve done my sponsors justice. You could say my performance was ‘Sub par.’”

    10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Charlotte on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing, as all four JGR drivers finished in the top 11, with Carl Edwards taking the win.

    “Sunday was a great day for motor racing,” Hamlin said, “and a great day for Toyota at Charlotte. Nico won at Monaco, Juan Pablo won at Indianapolis, and Tokyo won at Charlotte.”