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NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won his second straight pole and was in contention at Loudon despite hitting the wall. He eventually finished seventh as teammate Joey Logano won.

“When I hit the wall,” Keselowski said, “I thought the worst. But the Chase is long and grueling, and won’t be won in a day. You’ve got to keep your eyes on the prize. For me personally, I’m able to see the ‘Lite’ at the end of the tunnel.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano led 78 laps and pulled away on the gree-white-checkered restart to take the win at New Hampshire. With the victory, Logano joins Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski as the only drivers to have clinched berths in the next round.

“It’s great to win at my home track,” Logano said. “I have lots of supporters at home, but none more fanatical than my father.”

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished ninth in the Sylvania 300, posting his 17th top-10 finish of the year. He is sixth in the points standings, 20 out of first.

“There were a whopping 15 cautions on Sunday,” Earnhardt said. “That really slowed the race down, and it truly made it feel like a ‘Sunday drive.’”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished fifth at New Hampshire, posting his ninth top 5 of the year. He is fourth in the points standings, 17 behind Brad Keselowski.

“Some say the Jimmie Johnson aura of invincibility is fading,” Johnson said. “That could change in a matter of seconds with a win at Dover, where I’ve won several times. A win there, and all my critics will realize I am a threat to win the Cup. So I’m replacing the aura of invincibility with the aura of convincibility.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race-high 104 laps and finished third in the Sylvania 300 at Loudon. He is now third in the Sprint Cup points standings, seven out of first.

“Traditionally,” Harvick said, “the Loudon winner is awarded a lobster. That’s what Joey Logano got. It may be the first time the race trophy was older than the race winner.”

6. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished a troubling 26th in Sunday’s caution-filled race at Loudon. He is seventh in the points standings, 27 behind Brad Keselowski.

“The pressure will be on at Dover,” Gordon said. “I need a solid finish in order to advance. So, the only clinching scenarios I want to hear are the ones that don’t involve my rear end.”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 21st at Loudon and is now eighth in the points standings, 40 out of first.

“Fifteen is simply way too many cautions,” Kenseth said. “’Proceed with caution’ is a warning for drivers, not instructions for race officials.”

8. Kyle Busch: Kyle Busch finished eighth at Loudon and has posted top 10’s in both Chase races. He is fifth in the points standings, and barring a disaster, should advance to the Challenger round.

“I like my chances,” Busch said. “For me, a ‘disaster of the bar’ would be my lawyer not being able to get me a reduced sentence for going 128 miles per hour in a 45 MPH zone.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 17th in the Sylvania 300, the top finisher among Roush Fenway Racing cars.

“I guess all we can do is put that finish behind us,” Edwards said, “and move on. And speaking of moving on, I’ll be at Joe Gibbs Racing next year. Nobody’s is more excited about it than me. In fact, nobody’s excited about it but me.”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the Sylvania 300 and now has a third and a second in the last two races.

“I’m 21 years old,” Larson said, “but I’m certainly not the baby of the sport. That title belongs to Cole Custer, who won the Truck series race at New Hampshire at the age of 16 years, 7 months, and 28 days. I’ve heard of the Gillette Young Guns; it’s too bad Cole’s not shaving. He could be a Gillette Young’un.”

September 23, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated the late restarts at Chicagoland and cruised to the win in the MyAfibStory.Com 400. He built on his lead in the points standings, and now leads Jeff Gordon by seven.

“I automatically advanced to the next round of the Chase,” Keselowski said. “So you can pencil my name on the bracket to the ‘Contender’ round. And speaking of things written in pencil, the Chase format has seen more alterations than Bruton Smith’s pants.”

2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished second at Chicagoland, a solid start in his quest for a fifth Sprint Cup championship.

“The ‘Drive For Five’ is still alive,” Gordon said. “But I have to be careful not to get ahead of myself. First, I have to make sure the ‘Drive For 12,’ is alive, then the ‘Drive For 8,’ then the ‘Drive For 4.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth in the MyAfibStory.com 400 at Chicagoland as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the victory.

“My goal is to be one of the four drivers to make it to that final round,” Logano said. “Obviously, we can’t call it the ‘Final Four’ because the NCAA will sue. I say we broker a tie-in with that apocalyptic HBO series and call that final race ‘The Leftovers.’”

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th at Chicagoland as Penske Racing’s Brad Keselowski won. Earnhardt is fifth in the points standings, 17 behind Keselowski.

“It was a decent start start to the Chase,” Earnhardt said. “It could have been better, but at least there were no fans climbing the fence. I bet if we scheduled a race in southern Texas, that certainly wouldn’t be the case.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th at Chicagoland. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 18 behind Brad Keselowski.

“Luckily,” Johnson said, “there was no hot air blowing into my helmet on Sunday. But if I don’t make a statement at Dover, it could be time for a ‘cold sweat.’ It’s no time to panic, though. Now, more than ever, I need to ‘be cool.’”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led a race high 79 laps and finished fifth at Chicagoland.

“I switched pit crews with Tony Stewart,” Harvick said. “I’m happy about that, but my former pit crew is not. They worked 26 races to get me in the Chase. Now, they’re out. You could say they were ‘Un-Happy-ed.’”

7. Matt Kenseth: On a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing , Kenseth finished tenth at Chicagoland as teammates Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch finished sixth and seventh, respectively.

“The Chase format is new and improved,” Kenseth said. “First, you have the ‘Challenger’ round, then somewhere along the way there’s the ‘Eliminator’ round. I’m not sure what the other rounds are called, but I assume they’re named after ZZ Top albums as well.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his eighth top 10 of the year with an eighth in the MyAfibStory.Com 400.

“I made contact with my brother Kyle midway through the race,” Busch said. “That’s one instance where neither Kurt nor I can argue that a Busch was at fault.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole with the highest practice speed after qualifying was rained out. He led 46 laps and finished seventh.

“Not only did Kurt and I make contact,” Busch said, “Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. got together to bring out the final caution. Neither was happy. But is anyone really surprised that there’s friction between them?”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson led 20 laps at Chicagoland and engaged Kevin Harvick in a lively battle for the lead late in the race. While Larson and Harvick fought, Brad Keselowski slipped through the middle and led the rest of the way. Larson finished third.

“Had I made the Chase,” Larson said, “I could have been an unlikely contender. Chip Ganassi Racing has often partnered with Dale Earnhardt, Inc. and Teresa Earnhardt, so if I can borrow Dale, Jr.’s evil stepmother, then this Cinderella story would have been in business.”

September 17, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Richmond, leading 383 of 400 laps to win the Federated Auto Parts 400. With four wins, Keselowski starts as the top seed in the Chase For The Cup.

“Who was that ‘on the fence’ at Richmond?” Keselowski asked. “Was it Clint Bowyer? No. It was just a fan who obviously wasn’t ‘high’ enough.”

2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon took second at Richmond, unable to catch Brad Keselowski, who clearly had the best car in the field. Gordon’s three wins on the season earned him the second seed in the Chase, where he’ll start three points behind Keselowski.

“We were determined,” Gordon said. “Not even Clint Bowyer could keep us out of the Chase. But Bowyer doesn’t have to worry about ‘intentional spins’ now; Michael Waltrip will handle those on ‘Dancing With The Stars.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Richmond as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski captured the victory, giving Roger Penske his 400th racing win.

“Keselowski was just unbelievable,” Logano said. “He led an amazing 383 of 400 laps. I’m surprised he wasn’t wearing leather and chains, because it was a display of ‘dominant fashion.’”

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 12th in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond International Speedway. He will start third in the Chase, three points behind Brad Keselowski.

“Some crazy fan climbed the catchfence late in the race,” Earnhardt said. “I guess alcohol and boredom make a deadly combination.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson posted his 16th top-10 finish of the year with an eighth at Richmond. He will start the Chase in second, along with Hendrick teammates Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Jeff Gordon, all with three wins on the season.

“I collapsed after the race due to severe dehydration,” Johnson said. “But after some intravenous fluids, I feel great. I think this bodes well for my chances of winning my seventh Cup title. As they say, you can’t get ‘VII’ without first getting ‘IV.’”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Richmond, recording his eighth top-5 result of the year. With two wins this season, he will start the Chase For The Cup six points behind Brad Keselowski.

“There we no squirrels on the track at Richmond,” Harvick said. “If there were, they would have been after that nut on the fence.”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth’s night at Richmond ended early after he hit the wall on lap 120. He finished 41st, 70 laps down, and starts the Chase For The Cup 12 points out of first.

“It was a tough night for me,” Kenseth said. “But my disappointment was tempered by the knowledge that Michael Waltrip was selected to appear on ‘Dancing With The Stars.’ I’m not surprised my Michael’s selected—-he’s often been accused of being light on his feet.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 22nd at Richmond, four laps down. He’ll start the Chase For The Cup with 2,006 points, six behind Brad Keselowski.

“Congratulations to Greg Biffle,” Edwards said. “He clinched the 16th and final spot in the Chase field. Of course, he did it by finishing 19th, two laps down. He probably didn’t see that coming; that’s what happens when you ‘back’ your way in.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman easily drove his way into the Chase, finishing a solid ninth. He will start the Chase in 16th, 12 points behind Brad Keselowski.

“There’s a lot of distance between me and the driver of the No. 2 Miller Lite car,” Newman said. “Interestingly enough, that’s the same thing I said when Rusty Wallace was my teammate.”

10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished 17th at Richmond, one lap down. He start the Chase For The Cup with 2,003 points, nine behind top seed Brad Keselowski.

“Hopefully,” Kahne said, “I can carry some of the momentum from my win at Atlanta into the Chase. Thank goodness I got that win. I knew I need to carry my weight before I could carry momentum.”

September 9, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon was running second early at Atlanta when he blew a tire, sending him into the wall. He fell two laps down, but battled back to regain the lead lap and finished 17th.

“It was ‘The Night The Air Went Out In Georgia,’” Gordon said. “I didn’t see a squirrel on the track, but I do believe I heard a snake. It went, ‘Sssssssssss.’”

2. Joey Logano: A week after winning at Bristol, Logano finished 14th in the Oral-B USA 500. He is now fourth in the points standings, 81 out of first.

“Our performance was a far cry from that at Bristol,” Logano said. “If I’m ‘Sliced Bread’ in winning at Bristol, then I must be ‘Loaf Bread’ finishing 14th at Atlanta.”

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt just missed a top-10 finish at Atlanta with an 11th. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 21 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Sunday night’s race was called the ‘Oral-B USA 500.’ I think a better name would have been the ‘Mouth Of The South.’

“But is it a good idea for dental health awareness in NASCAR? I see a conflict of interest with NASCAR’s ‘Drive For Diversity’ program, because good dental hygiene encourages ‘whiteness.’”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Atlanta, as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kasey Kahne won for the first time this season, locking up a spot in the Chase For The Cup. Johnson is sixth in the points standings.

“What a great run by Kahne,” Johnson said. “Now, all four Hendrick drivers are in the Chase. Kasey went from ‘Chase bubble’ to ‘Chase bubbly,’ because we celebrated with champagne.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski night in Atlanta ended with 28 laps remaining after a collision with Josh Wise. Keselowski finished 39th, and is fifth in the points standings, 90 out of first.

“I ran right into the back of Wise’s No. 98 Chevrolet,” Keselowski said. “It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been called a ‘Wise-ass.’”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth gained the lead with a two-tire pit stop on the final caution, but couldn’t hold off Kasey Kahne, who took four tires. Kenseth finished second, falling short of his first win, but still clinched a spot in the Chase.

“Squirrels sightings aside,” Kenseth said, “Kahne ‘skunked’ me on that restart.

“My wife and I released an anti-bullying children’s book called ‘Race Against Bullying.’ Some drivers I know have a track record of bullying. In fact, if bullying were a race, Carl Edwards would have the track record.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was squeezed behind Paul Menard in a late restart at Atlanta, and found the wall after contact with Menard and Joey Logano. Harvick finished 19th.

“I nearly hit a squirrel crossing the track early in the race,” Harvick said. “That wasn’t my last encounter with an animal nuisance. It looked like Menard was playing possum on the late restart.”

8. Carl Edwards: Edwards scored his sixth top five of the season with a fifth at Atlanta. He is seventh in the points standings, 117 out of first.

“Luckily,” Edwards said, “I’ve already locked up a spot in the postseason. I can tell you, it’s one thing to be ‘Chased,’ it’s another to be ‘pursued.’ Joe Gibbs Racing really wanted me, and ironically, they did back flips to get me.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his ninth top-10 result of the year with a seventh in the Oral-B USA 500. He can clinch a spot in the Chase with a finish of 41st or better next week at Richmond (assuming there is a repeat winner).

“I could go to Richmond,” Newman said, “not win, and still make the Chase For The Cup. And that’s fine with me. It may not be official, but my slogan at Richmond will be, ‘Virginia is for losers.’”

10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne passed Matt Kenseth on the final restart and held on for the win in the Oral-B USA 500 in Atlanta. Kahne was previously leading, and seemingly on his way to the win, when a tangle between Kyle Busch and Ryan Truex brought out a caution.

“I’m not sure what those clowns were doing,” Kahne said. “But once again, we’ve seen the worst of Kyle Busch. There’s only one thing that gets the best of Kyle, and that’s his frustrations.”

September 2, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt used a no-tire pit stop to take the lead and subdued the challenge of Kevin Harvick down the stretch to win the GoBowling.Com 400 at Pocono. The victory completed Earnhardt’s season sweep at the “Tricky Triangle” and was his third win of the year.

“That’s the first season sweep at Pocono since Denny Hamlin’s in 2006,” Earnhardt said. “Normally, I would celebrate with a broom, but I can’t. I developed an aversion to brooms when I discovered that Teresa Earnhardt rode them.

“The fans of Junior Nation will certainly party. I’m not sure they’re that into bowling, though. They couldn’t tell you anything about PBA, but they sure know a lot about PBR.”

2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led a race-high 63 laps at Pocono but fell victim to lack of track position and some untimely cautions, finishing sixth. He remains atop the Sprint Cup points standings with a 17-point lead over Dale Earnhardt Jr.

“Junior’s No. 88 car had the name ‘Michael Baker’ all over it,” Gordon said. “That had to be a new experience for Earnhardt. It’s not often people see the No. 88 car and have to ask, ‘Who is that?’”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived an unlucky day at Pocono, salvaging a 23rd-place finish, one lap down to the leaders. Keselowski damaged the No. 2 Miller Lite Ford with after contact with Kurt Busch on lap two, then was an unwilling participant in the lap 117 “Big One.”

“Thanks, Kurt Busch,” Keselowski said. “Just like the last race at Pocono, I had a run-in with a ‘piece of trash.’”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson suffered two blown tires, the last of which sent him into the wall, ending his day at Pocono on lap 111. He finished 39th, 49 laps down.

“We’ve had our share of tires issues this season,” Johnson said. “It’s not a big deal to us. That’s called ‘underinflating’ the severity of an issue, just the opposite of what Goodyear thinks.

“We’ve finished 39th or worse in three of the last five races. But don’t count us out once the Chase starts. Chad Knaus has a lot of things up his sleeve, including a sandbag of tricks.”

5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was collected in a lap 117 pileup triggered when Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin got loose, causing Brian Vickers to check up and create mayhem behind him. Thirteen cars were involved in the accident and Kenseth finished 38th.

“It was the GoBowling.Com 400,” Kenseth said, “and I’d like to pin the blame on Hamlin. But congratulations go to Dale Earnhardt Jr. He deserves to celebrate, not in Victory Lane, but in Victory Alley.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano led 30 laps and posted a strong third-place finish at Pocono, earning his eighth top-five of the year. He is seventh in the points standings, 124 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Richard Petty was the grand marshal for the GoBowling.Com 400,” Logano said. “In the Poconos, they call that being the ‘King Of The Mountain.’

“I’ve always had a ton of respect for Petty. Now I’ve got even more after realizing he raced against Morgan Shepherd for over 20 years and lived to tell about it.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished a disappointing 29th at Pocono as Dale Earnhardt Jr. raced to the win. He is eighth in the points standings, 139 out of first.

“I’m going to blame this on a preoccupation with thoughts of where I’ll be driving next year,” Edwards said. “As was evident at Pocono, my mind was racing, but I wasn’t.”

8. Ryan Newman: Once again, Newman was solid for Richard Childress Racing, taking eighth in the GoBowling.Com 400.

“It was an otherwise tough day for RCR,” Newman said. “Austin Dillon finished 15th while Paul Menard finished 33rd, under Tony Stewart’s No. 14 after that big wreck on lap 117. I hear it’s no fun looking up and seeing Stewart on top of you. But at least Tony was awake.”

9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Dale Earnhardt Jr. for three laps after the final restart at Pocono, but couldn’t get around the No. 88 car. Harvick settled for second, his fourth runner-up finish of the year.

“After a pit road speeding penalty and damage from the lap 117 wreck,” Harvick said, “I was ‘Happy’ to be in that position.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fourth in the GoBowling.Com 400, boosting his Chase For The Cup chances with five races left until the playoffs. He stands ninth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 140 out of first.

“No team needs a win more than Michael Waltrip Racing,” Bowyer said. “I think all we need is a lively pep talk from Michael. And I think that should work. Everybody knows Michael makes a great cheerleader.”

August 4, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon blew past Kasey Kahne on the final restart with 17 laps to go and cruised to his record fifth Brickyard 400 win. It was his second win of the season and strengthened his lead in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Five times!” Gordon said. “That’s amazing! I’m not just a brick kisser; I’m a brick layer.

“I’d won four of the first 11 Brickyards. The last came in 2004. My last Sprint Cup title came in 2001. I was starting to worry that I’d be stuck on ‘4’ forever. I couldn’t help but think, ‘If the third time is the charm, the fourth must be the limit.’”

2. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home ninth at Indianapolis as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 14. Earnhardt is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Hendrick dominance was on full display,” Earnhardt said. “Gordon ‘kissed the bricks’ with his restart; Kasey Kahne ‘laid a brick’ with his.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski posted a 12th at Indianapolis, a disappointing run considering his qualifying effort of third. He holds the third spot in the Sprint Cup points standings, 51 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I’m third is the Sprint Cup points standings with 666,” Keselowski said. “I’m told that’s the ‘number of the beast.’ But rest assured, Christians, my cars don’t have horns.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 14th at Indianapolis as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon captured the win. Johnson is fifth in the points standings, 89 behind Gordon.

“The mayor of Indianapolis declared July 27th ‘Jeff Gordon Day,’” Johnson said. “That’s an impressive accomplishment, but I can top it. I can’t say I’ve had any days named after me, but I have had seasons named after me: 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2013.”

5. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished third in the Brickyard 400 on a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing, as Joe Gibbs Racing drivers came home 2-3-4.

“It was an awesome day for JGR,” Kenseth said. “And I say, ‘Why mess up a good thing?’ Do we really need Carl Edwards? The last thing this ‘stable’ needs is a jackass.

“Carl is being replaced at Roush-Fenway by Trevor Bayne. I guess Jack Roush finally got that elusive Daytona 500 win.”

6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Indianapolis, his second straight runner-up finish. Joe Gibbs Racing cars all placed in the top five, with Denny Hamlin taking third and Matt Kenseth fourth.

“Good things come in two’s,” Busch said. “At least, that’s what ‘they’ say; ‘they’ being everyone except the parents of Kurt and I.

“I wasn’t on the JGR airplane that collided at the Concord, North Carolina airport. I guess runways can be like race teams: overcrowded.”

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished 15th in the Brickyard 400 on a day dominated by Jeff Gordon. Edwards is eighth in the points standings, 114 out of first.

“Roush-Fenway Racing finally confirmed that I’m leaving the organization,” Edwards said. “Gordon may be kissing them, but I’m hitting the bricks.

“The magnitude of my departure finally hit me on my last pit stop. As I was leaving the pits, I thought to myself, ‘Leaving is the pits.’”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Indianapolis to lead the way for Penske Racing. He is ninth in the points standings, 126 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Roger Penske is winless in the Brickyard 400,” Logano said. “He even brought Juan Montoya here to try for the win. It was a one shot deal, but we’re going to send Montoya on his way in style, with a few drinks. In honor of Montoya’s one-shot deal, we’re going to celebrate with a two-shot deal: one for us, and ‘Juan for the road.’”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th at Indianapolis and remained seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m Richard Childress Racing’s best hope for a spot in the Chase,” Newman said. “Talk about a no-win situation.”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the pole at Indianapolis and led 12 early laps on his way to an eighth-place finish.

“Did you hear?” Harvick said. “Joe Gibbs Racing and Stewart-Haas Racing planes collided on the runway at Concord Regional Airport. It looks like the *&#$ has hit the propeller. Apparently, JGR’s plane hit the SHR plane, which was parked. In other news, Carl Edwards may not be coming to JGR.”

July 30, 2014
Kasey Kahne Preps for Final Road Race of Year with a Visit to Western New York

Buffalo, New York – The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Driver of the No. 5 Farmers Insurance Hendrick Motorsports Chevrolet SS, Kasey Kahne, paid a visit to Western New York on Wednesday in preparation for the second and final road course race of the 2014 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series season at Watkins Glen International.

(more…)

July 24, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished tenth in the Quaker State 400, posting his 12th top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Brad Keselowski cut his hand on a champagne bottle in Victory Lane,” Johnson said. “If Joey Logano is ‘Sliced Bread,’ then Keselowski has to be ‘Sliced Brad.’”

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished fifth at Kentucky, as Hendrick Motorsports placed three drivers in the top 10. He is second in the Sprint Cup points standings, 24 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I’m impressed with Brad Keselowski’s performance,” Earnhardt said. “But there’s no way he could be a member of Junior Nation. If Brad can’t hold his champagne, he certainly can’t hold his liquor.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon posted his series-best 13th top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Kentucky. He remained atop the points standings, and leads Hendrick teammates Jimmie Johnson and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. by 24.

“Jimmie Johnson visited the White House last Wednesday,” Gordon said, “where he was honored by President Obama as 2013 Sprint Cup champion. Jimmie asked Obama about the ‘secret service.’ Obama replied: ‘Has Chad Knaus been illegally working on your car again?’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Kentucky, starting on the pole and leading 199 of 267 laps on the way to his second win of the season.

“Kentucky is the home of horse racing,” Keselowski said. “On Saturday, though, it became the home of a ‘thorough-Brad.’ The No. 2 Miller Lite Chevrolet had plenty of speed for Kentucky Speedway. My car had the horsepower; I have the horse teeth.”

5. Carl Edwards: One week after winning at Sonoma, Edwards finished a disappointing 17th in the Quaker State 400. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 82 out of first.

“Greg Biffle is still working on a contract extension,” Edwards said. “Greg has to ask himself: ‘should I stay or should I go’? On that note, as far as teammates go, I always seem to ‘Clash’ with them.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth overcame a slow start to finish fourth in the Quaker State 400. It was his sixth top-five result of the year and he is now fifth in the points standings, 63 out of first.

“I just signed a contract extension with Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “It was on Saturday, to be exact, but I’m not at liberty to reveal the financial details. So, as is the case with my season, it’s a matter of ‘Just when, baby.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth despite rising water temperatures that nearly compromised his engine. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 99 out of first.

“Usually,” Logano said, “when I’m in hot water, it’s because of my father.

“It was a great day for Penske Racing. Brad Keselowski won the pole and the race, then sliced his hand open on a champagne bottle celebrating the win. So, both he and Roger Penske were ‘gushing’ after the race.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won the Nationwide race in Sparta on Friday, then finished seventh in the Quaker State 400 on Saturday night. He is ninth in the points standings, 109 out of first.

“How about TNT’s coverage of the race,” Harvick said. “Much like TNT, it ‘blows.’ And Kyle Petty’s analysis is lacking. Just like the sport of NASCAR itself, it needs more ‘color.’ In Petty’s book, ‘insight’ is saying ‘he’s just got to keep plugging along’ over and over.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch led 31 laps at Kentucky and lost the lead to Brad Keselowski with 20 laps to go. Busch finished second, and is now 10th in the points standings.

“Keselowski was so much better than everyone else,” Busch said. “That was also the case in 2012 when he won here. At least at Kentucky Speedway, that Penske technology, much like a broken champagne bottle, was ‘cutting edge.’”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman scored his best finish of the year, speeding to a third in the Quaker State 400. He is now eighth in the points standings, 104 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Richard Childress Racing is still looking for our first win,” Newman said. “I’m sure Richard would love for Austin Dillon to be the first RCR victor this year. Then Richard can proudly say, ‘That’s grand, son.’”

June 30, 2014
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, winner of three of the last four races, posted a seventh at Sonoma, his 11th top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 20 behind Jeff Gordon.

“I didn’t win,” Johnson said, “but my rivals are nervous nonetheless. Anytime you say ‘Jimmie Johnson’ and ‘seventh’ in the same sentence, people are intimidated, or should I say ‘inJimmiedated.”

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Two weeks after winning at Michigan, Earnhardt posted a third-place finish in the Toyota/SaveMart 350, as Hendrick Motorsports placed all four drivers in the top seven.

“I have to apologize for wrecking Matt Kenseth,” Earnhardt said. “I’m pretty sure Matt will accept an apology. Why? Because he’s used to ‘taking’ it.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished second to Carl Edwards at Sonoma, as Hendrick Motorsports five-race winning streak ended. Gordon leads the Sprint Cup points standings with a 20-point cushion on Jimmie Johnson.

“’I let Edwards get away,’” Gordon said. “That’s my Jack Roush impression, not my take on the final lap at Sonoma.

“You may have noticed our new sponsor, Panasonic, on the No. 24 car. For once, a driver can say he’s got an ‘electronic issue’ and it’s not a bad thing. Joe Gibbs may put Japanese in the car; Hendrick puts it on it.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took the lead with 25 laps to go at Sonoma and held off Jeff Gordon to claim his first road course victory.

“Roush Fenway was shut out at Michigan,” Edwards said. “Who would have thought we’d turn things around on a road course? But you can always count on Jack Roush to have something up his sleeve, except new contracts.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled in the Toyota SavMart 350, fighting handling issues all day on his way to a 22nd. He is fifth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

“It was a tough day for the No. 2 Alliance Truck Parts Ford,” Keselowski said. “Sadly, though, we needed car parts, not truck parts.

“The car’s handling was a nightmare. Nothing we tried worked. One of my pit crewmen made so many wedge adjustments, he developed a wrist injury. Aerodynamically, he’s fine, but he will need some carpal tunnel testing.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth was wrecked on lap 74 when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. jumped a curb and rammed the back of Kenseth’s No. 20 Home Depot Toyota. Kenseth is currently fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 65 out of first.

“When you’re surrounded by a pile of useless tires,” Kenseth said, “you know you’re in trouble, or Hoosier is your tire manufacturer.

“We’re losing Home Depot as a sponsor at season’s end. I guess that makes them the ‘Away Depot.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 16th at Sonoma on a tough day for Penske Motorsports, as teammate Brad Keselowski managed only a 22nd. Logano is now seventh in the points standings, 97 behind Jeff Gordon.

“Our boss won’t be happy,” Logano said. “Ask him his opinion of our performance, and he certainly won’t ‘Roger’ that.

“They say Sonoma is wine country, but they also drink beer in this road course haven. I think they make it from ‘wheel hops.’”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th at Sonoma after the No. 4 Stewart-Haas Chevy was collected when Clint Bowyer suffered a flat tire and stopped in the middle of the track.

“I’m not surprised,” Harvick said. “From what I hear, ’parking’ is an issue at all NASCAR races.”

9. Paul Menard: Menard finished fifth at Sonoma, posting his third top-five result of the year.

“In the absence of Kevin Harvick,” Menard said, “I’ve taken over as a leader for Richard Childress Racing. And we haven’t missed a beat. That’s because we get ‘beat’ every week.”

10. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 11th at Sonoma as Richard Childress Racing teammate Paul Menard took fifth. Newman is eighth in the points standings, 107 out of first.

“Our highest finish this year is a seventh,” Newman said, “which we’ve accomplished three times. I’m not sure if we can win with this car. We lack the speed of the Hendrick engines. It says ‘Caterpillar’ on my car; it also says ‘Caterpillar’ on the speedometer.”

June 24, 2014
Kasey Kahne Trusting Teams Abilities to Get Over Slump

Sometimes, you’ve just had enough.

Kasey Kahne, after being beaten and pounded with questions surrounding the lack of success that he’s had this season, vented some annoyance and anger during a media center appearance at Pocono Raceway this weekend.

Kahne, 34, claims his team has struggled to put together a complete race, leading to the unfortunate finishes and a dismal 18th position in the championship standings.

“I think there has been a touch of bad luck and then we just haven’t put together full races,” Kahne expressed during the media center appearance. “We’ve had great practices over the last month, maybe a little more than that. We’ve been really good in practice; great at times during the race, but we haven’t put together the full race.”

Kahne’s prime example of not being able to finish races was at Charlotte Motor Speedway a few weeks ago.

“At Charlotte we were really good in the All-Star race, the best car there, and so Jimmie and Chad (Knaus) saw that (and) started there the next week and then built that set-up from (our car),” Kahne further expressed. “They won and dominated the race and did a really good job.

“We weren’t on the lead lap the whole night so it was hard to race. We were a lap down from the 50th mile on. So that made for a tough Charlotte. But I think we’re really close. We just need to put races together.”

Teammates, including six-time NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champion, Jimmie Johnson, are beginning to witness Kahne become even more distraught, however, Kahne suspects he’s handled himself perfectly through the ups-and-downs.

“It’s been a bit frustrating at times, but I think I’ve handled it all pretty well. In my opinion I feel like I have,” Kahne explained. “Last Monday was probably the worst Monday I’ve had of the season after a bad result. We went from 17th to fifth and then just couldn’t hit on it from there. But we had a really fast car.”

Kahne, also, doesn’t believe long-time crew chief Kenny Francis and him are becoming irritated with each other; he claims the team, as a whole, is trying to cure the problem.

“We haven’t had too much between each other,” Kahne commented about his relationship with Francis. (Kenny and I) have our Tuesday’s we spend a couple of hours, we had lunch yesterday for a couple of hours. We are trying. We are working at it. We just need to hit on it; once we do hopefully we can run with it for a while.”

Hendrick Motorsports, which consists of Johnson, Kahne, Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr., have seen their competitors muscle into victory lane and to an eventual Chase berth this season – except for Kahne.

Though, despite the Chase field almost completed, Kahne isn’t feeling pressured, he’s just focused and determined on the task at hand – winning on Sunday.

“At Hendrick Motorsports, we all want to be in the Chase,” Kahne added. “(Everyone would) definitely be happy if we pulled it off and won a race.

“Last time we were here (at Pocono) we won. So, I feel good about racing at Pocono. This is a track where I’ve run well in the past and with Hendrick race cars and engines it makes it a lot easier. We just need to put the whole 400 miles together. If we do that, we’ll have a shot to win.”

Kahne, who’s been unable to hoist the Sprint Cup Series trophy at seasons-end, ended his remarks expressing that points are the focus, even in the new format.

“I look at it as we need to score as many points as we can each week. We just have to do the best we can and hopefully as a group we figure it out and can start putting full races together. If we can do that we will be in a good spot in a hurry because of the points system and the way that it is now.”

June 6, 2014