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Tag: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney blasted by Chase Elliott on Lap 486 and pulled away to win the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville, clinching a spot in the Championship 4.

    “This is exactly how I did it last year to make it through to the final at Phoenix,” Blaney said. “Pardon my French, but I guess this was a case of ‘Deja Through.’”

    2. William Byron: Byron finished sixth and grabbed the final Championship 4 spot based on points.

    “With the Liberty University logo on my car,” Byron said, “I really wanted to advance in the Playoffs not just for my team and my fans, but for Jerry Falwell, Jr. as well. Because when I’m doing my thing, I really like to know that people are watching.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started second and won Stage 1, but couldn’t hold off Ryan Blaney down the stretch and finished second. Elliott failed to advance to the Championship 4.

    “Blaney just had too much car,” Elliott said. “He also has too much beard. I think what I’m saying is Ryan the driver, not Ryan’s car, needs some ‘race trim.’”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano started 12th and finished 10th in the Xfinity 500.

    “And then there were four,” Logano said. “After Phoenix, there will be one. And that’s simple enough math that even NASCAR fans can understand.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Martinsville and failed to advance to the final at Phoenix.

    “I had a big crash in practice when my throttle stuck,” Hamlin said. “I backed myself into a huge hole. Only I wasn’t going backward, I was going forward, really fast, and actually saw the hole, but I couldn’t stop, because my throttle was stuck.”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell spun early at Martinsville and put himself in an early hole. But a daring last-lap kamikaze dash temporarily put him in position to advance to the championship round. But NASCAR deemed his maneuver a safety violation and penalized Bell four positions, which gave William Byron the final spot in the Championship 4.

    “NASCAR said I was ‘riding the wall,’” Bell said. “Now I’m going to be ‘riding the pine‘ while I watch four other drivers vie for the Cup.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman overcame a late power steering issue to finish 13th in the Xfinity 500.

    “It was a wild finish,” Bowman said. “And it’s too bad Christopher Bell was penalized for ‘Chastaining.’ I thought it would have been pretty cool and pretty mind-blowing if Bell would have smashed a watermelon in anger after learning of the penalty.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson, like Chase Elliott, was unable to hold off Ryan Blaney at the end at Martinsville. Larson finished third, but it wasn’t good enough to advance.

    “I’d like to congratulate my Hendrick teammate William Byron on advancing to the Championship 4,” Byron said. “He did it all by himself, with not a lick of luck, without a hint of a favorable NASCAR ruling, and without any help from other Chevy drivers running interference for him.”

    9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 34th at Martinsville.

    “Having already qualified for the Championship 4,” Reddick said, “I had nothing to gain by winning at Martinsville, except a bulky grandfather clock that probably doesn’t even tell time.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished a disappointing 24th at Martinsville, two laps down.

    “I’ve had success in many NASCAR series,” Truex said. “And speaking of ‘series,’ 2024 has been a series of disappointments.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte ROVAL

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte ROVAL

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson led a dominant 62 laps and handily won the Bank of America ROVAL 400.

    “I clearly outdrove Shane van Gisbergen,” Larson said. “So I’ve downgraded him from being in my league to being in Max Verstappen’s league. I feel like I’m in a league of my own; they’re in a league of their own, which is not in my league.”

    2. William Byron: Byron finished third at Charlotte.

    “I had already advanced to the Round Of 8,” Byron said, “so I really didn’t have to stress about a solid finish. So, since I was ‘locked in,’ I didn’t have to be ‘locked in.’”

    3. Christopher Bell: Bell challenged up front at Charlotte and finished second.

    “Hall Of Famers Ricky Rudd and Carl Edwards gave the ‘Start your engines’ command,” Bell said. “It was pretty cool, and maybe the first time the ‘start your engines’ command made someone flinch. Of course, only Matt Kenseth felt that way.”

    4. Alex Bowman: Bowman won Stage 2 and finished 18th but failed post-race inspection and was eliminated from the Playoffs.

    “It’s sad for the four drivers that were eliminated,” Bowman said. “That includes me. That’s too bad, and this is ‘two’ good: goodbye and good riddance.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fifth at Charlotte and advanced to the Round Of 8.

    “It was close,” Elliott said, “but I made it to the next round. I’m sure the fine people down at the Dawsonville Pool Room are celebrating responsibly by not driving, but only because they no longer have driver’s licenses.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started 18th at Charlotte and finished 14th.

    “I’m involved in an antitrust lawsuit against NASCAR,” Hamlin said. “Any Denny Hamlin fan would define ‘antitrust’ as the opposite of what they should feel about my ability to win a championship.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished a solid 10th and easily advanced to the Round Of 8.

    “Charlotte’s ROVAL was reconfigured with some modifications to a few corners,” Blaney said. “I’m just thankful NASCAR told us about them beforehand.”

    8. Tyler Reddick: Reddick rebounded from early trouble to force his way into the Round of 8 with an 11th-place finish.

    “I owe it all to my 23XI Racing team,” Reddick said, “and to team co-owner Michael Jordan. Michael has always had faith in me and has sometimes had money on me, and in stature has about 13 inches on me.”

    9. Joey Logano: Logano finished eighth at Charlotte and was initially eliminated from the Playoffs. But Alex Bowman’s disqualification meant Logano advanced.

    “There was a camera on the floorboard of my No. 22 Ford,” Logano said. “That was so viewers could see my feet work the pedals. It’s kind of like watching a race at Kansas Speedway—it’s cool for about 30 seconds, then it gets incredibly boring.”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 13th in the Bank Of America ROVAL 400.

    “Even though I wasn’t a playoff driver,” Busch said, “you could feel the tension in the air. You could also smell the tension. Maybe it wasn’t tension you could smell, but it smelled like cheap beer, unhealthy snacks, beer-infused jerky, smelly truck stops, dog food, or pretty much anything advertised on the cars.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron won Stage 1 and finished second in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I chased Ross Chastain over the closing laps,” Byron said. “I wasn’t able to catch him, so I apologize to my team, my fans, and the watermelon that was murdered.”

    2. Alex Bowman: Bowman won Stage 2 and finished sixth in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I’m just glad to have a solid finish in the first race of the Round Of 12,” Bowman said. “What do you do in a Hollywood Casino? You shoot craps. What is a Playoff race at Talladega? A crap shoot.”

    3. Ross Chastain: Chastain led 52 laps and held off William Byron down the stretch to win the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “Of course, I’m not a Playoff driver,” Chastain said, “and that takes a little bit off the luster of a race win. That’s why the sound of a watermelon going ‘splat’ is basically the same sound as my championship hopes crashing a few weeks ago.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell started on the pole and finished seventh in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I tapped the wall towards the ends of both Stage 1 and Stage 2,” Bell said. “I’ve heard somewhere that doing that is called a ‘double-tap.’ ‘Double-tapping’ is a good way not to win a race. Another ‘double-tap’ is starting on the pole, leading the most laps, and still not winning.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson blew a tire and hit the wall on Lap 20, all but ending his chances for the win. Larson recovered to score a 26th-place finish.

    “I was nowhere near as strong as I was at Bristol,” Larson said. “At Bristol, I was on another planet, which is also where Hendrick wanted to send me back in 2020.”

    6. Denny Hamlin: A loose wheel midway through the race derailed Hamlin’s hopes for a win at Kansas. But the No. 11 team battled back to grab an eighth-place finish.

    “I think we’re gonna be a little smarter about our race strategy at Talladega,” Hamlin said. “By ‘a little smarter,’ I mean ‘have one.’”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney produced his best drive of the Playoffs with a fourth at Kansas.

    “I feel like I’m peaking at the right time,” Blaney said. “A few weeks ago, Tyler Reddick was puking at the wrong time.”

    8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th in the Hollywood Casino 400.

    “I wouldn’t want to be the guy that wrecked Kyle Busch while he was leading a race,” Logano said. “No other driver wants to get on Kyle’s bad side, but it’s virtually impossible because that’s the only side Kyle has.”

    9. Chase Elliott: Elliott battled long odds to salvage a ninth-place finish at Kansas.

    “I had to start at the rear after my No. 9 Chevy developed engine issues in practice,” Elliott said. “That’s certainly not the way you want to start the Round Of 12. That was really the ‘Worst Chase Scenario.’”

    10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick struggled to a 25th at Kansas.

    “Michael Jordan was really excited,” Reddick said, “to see the ‘Bet MGM’ logo on Kyle Busch’s car. Usually, when Michael sees that logo on a car, it’s the courtesy shuttle taking him to the casino.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano finished 15th at Watkins Glen.

    “Luckily,” Logano said, “I won at Atlanta, so I could afford a mediocre finish. When you Go Bowling At The Glen, it’s good to have a spare (win).”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson was caught up in the Lap 1 chaos and was shuffled to the back of the field. But Larson methodically worked his way back into position and finished 12th.

    “I’ve worked my way back from bigger messes,” Larson said.

    “I just announced that I’ll be attempting the Indy 500-Coca Cola 600 double in 2025. If I win both, you can bet I’ll let Max Verstappen know about it.”

    3. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished sixth on a chaotic day at Watkins Glen.

    “I started the day below the cut line,” Briscoe said, “and ended the day above it. And speaking of ‘cut lines,’ I know there are some playoff drivers that would like to give one to some non-playoff drivers.”

    4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 27th at Watkins Glen.

    “This race was called the ‘Go Bowling! At The Glen,’” Reddick said. “Last week at Atlanta, I also needed to ‘go bowling.’ Unfortunately, it was a toilet bowl.”

    5. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 14th at the Go Bowling! At The Glen.

    “First,” Bell said, “I got caught in a spin caused by Corey LaJoie. Then later, I got spun by Austin Dillon. It’s the NASCAR equivalent of being ‘Punk’d.’”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Tragedy struck early for Blaney at Watkins Glen, where he was collected in a crash started when Corey LaJoie spun Kyle Busch. Blaney’s car suffered a broken steering column, and his day was done.

    “I’m not surprised it was Corey LaJoie,” Blaney said. “Corey LaJoie is known for sucking, and sucking all the joy out of racing.”

    7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota was collected in the first lap melee and suffered significant damage. Hamlin was able to continue and finished 23rd.

    “You hear that beeping noise?” Hamlin said. “It could be one of two things: either an alarm going off telling me I’m about to be eliminated from the Playoffs, or it’s a reverse sound because I’ve backed myself into a corner.”

    8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 but was victimized by a number of late skirmishes and finished 20th at Watkins Glen.

    “For once,” Truex said, “I’d like to see a NASCAR race conclude without an overtime restart. And I’d like to see some irrelevant drivers give me a little respect. ‘Scrubs’ should only refer to tires, and not my competitors.”

    9. Chris Buescher: Buescher made a daring last lap pass of Shane Van Gisbergen after the New Zealander made a mistake into the inner loop, opening the door for Buescher.

    “This somewhat eases the pain of missing the playoffs,” Buescher said. “But I’ll take that pain anytime. Tony Stewart was a glutton for food; I’m a glutton for punishment.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 19th at Watkins Glen.

    “That was the first playoff race ever held at Watkins Glen,” Elliott said. “And it certainly didn’t disappoint. That is, it didn’t disappoint the fans. Many drivers were, in fact, disappointed.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona Coke Zero Sugar 400

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona Coke Zero Sugar 400

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Christopher Bell: Bell finished third in the Coke Zero Sugar 400 at Daytona.

    “Ty Gibbs’ No. 54 car featured advertising for a Ronald Reagan movie,” Bell said. “It’s too bad this movie wasn’t made 20-some years ago, because there could have been a car touting ‘Dick Trickle-Down Economics.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was collected in a Lap 61 pile-up that involved 18 cars. The damage ended Hamlin’s day and he finished 38th.

    “We got hit earlier this week with a huge penalty,” Hamlin said. “And it cost us 75 points and more importantly, 10 playoff points. So, I wasn’t at all worried about the ‘Big One’ in the race, because it would pale in comparison.”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick was involved in the Lap 61 “Big One,” but survived only to be collected in “Big One No. 2” on Lap 191. He finished 28th.

    “I’m not sure which idiot caused those accidents,” Reddick said, but it really affected several playoff drivers, including myself. I guess there’s a big difference between a ‘know-driving’ driver and a ‘no-driving’ driver.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was penalized for jumping the restart on a late restart, ending his chances at the win at Daytona. He was forced to serve a drive-through penalty and finished a disappointing eighth.

    “I don’t always agree with NASCAR’s decisions,” Keselowski said. “In fact, I never do, because they’re always wrong. But arguing with NASCAR officials is like arguing with a brick wall. But I’d much rather argue with a brick wall.”

    5. Kyle Larson: Larson survived Lap 61’s “Big One’ and went on to a 21st-place finish in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

    “You probably heard me say I think I’m a better driver than Formula 1 star Max Verstappen,” Larson said. “I guess I’m gonna have to do one of two things: get more feet, or get a bigger mouth.”

    6. Bubba Wallace: Wallace survived the chaos at Daytona and finished sixth in the Coke Zero Sugar 400, boosting his playoff chances.

    “The Playoffs are looking much more likely for us,” Wallace said. “I think having Michael Jordan in the pits is always good for the team. If there’s anyone that’s familiar with the ‘odds,’ it’s Michael.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 29th at Daytona, a victim, like many, of a wild and wreck-filled night.

    “I’m ready to defend my Cup Series championship,” Blaney said. “I’m really ready for the Playoffs to start. There are two things I really hate. One is waiting, the other is overtime restarts.”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott’s No. 9 Chevy was knocked out of the race on Lap 61, a victim of the “Big One” triggered when Ross Chastain was turned mid-pack in front of the field. Elliott was credited with a 36th-place finish.

    “Not only am I NASCAR’s most popular driver,” Elliott said, “I’m also its most laid back. I’ve always liked my dad’s nickname, so I’d like to be known as ‘Awesome Chill From Dawsonville.’”

    9. Kyle Busch: Busch was oh so close to the win at Daytona, but Harrison Burton’s pass on the final lap denied Busch extending his streak of a win in twenty straight seasons, and also denied him a playoff-clinching win.

    “I don’t know what I’m losing more,” Busch said. “Races, or patience. I guess I’m cursed. Which is only fair, because I’ve done my share of “cursing.’”

    10. (tie): William Byron: Byron finished 27th at Daytona.

    “It was a chaotic night at Daytona,” Byron said. “There was smoke, there was fire, there was Corey LaJoie.”

    10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a flat tire early at Daytona and fell out of contention, falling a lap down. He eventually finished 24th.”It’s too bad that my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin was handed down a stiff penalty,” Truex said. “It wasn’t even the team’s fault; Toyota Racing Development did it and self-reported the infraction. I guess as far as Denny’s concerned, ‘TRD’ will now stand for ‘That’s Real Dumb.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Michigan and finished ninth in the FireKeepers Casino 400. An early slide through the glass hurt Hamlin’s chances of earning his first win at Michigan since 2011.

    “My No. 11 Toyota was primarily sponsored by Yahoo,” Hamlin said, “and primarily powered by a ‘search engine.’”

    2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick assumed the lead on Lap 188 and led the rest of the way to capture the FireKeepers Casino 400, his second win of the year.

    “Of course,” Reddick said, “NASCAR threw a caution when Martin Truex Jr. hit the wall with six laps to go. Truex had the car totally under control, so it didn’t even need to be a caution. If you heard me cursing over my team’s radio, I’ll give you a family-friendly translation: ‘Ba da ba ba baaa, I’m not loving it.’”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson’s day at Michigan ended when he got loose on Lap 115, triggering an accident that collected several cars. Larson finished 34th.

    “As they say,” Larson said, “you can’t spell ‘aerodynamics’ without ‘damn.’ Now, I’m going to do something Austin Dillon would not, and apologize to all the drivers I wrecked.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Michigan.

    “I’m from Michigan,” Keselowski said, “so I know the fans wanted to see me win. And I hear they also wanted to see Jim Harbaugh as my crew chief, just so they can find out who he’d choose as his ‘spotter.’”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 and finished 18th in the FireKeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

    “Were there two cars sponsored by Overstock?” Blaney said. “They might as well be sponsored by ‘Overkill.’”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell was collected on Lap 115 when Kyle Larson lost control and collected several cars. The damage ended Bell’s day and he finished 35th.

    “Speeds at Michigan were upwards of 200 miles per hour,” Bell said, “which is approximately what Austin Dillon was doing when he ran into Joey Logano at Richmond.”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 15th at Michigan.

    “That’s just a mediocre result,” Elliott said. “And not really a reason for a celebration down at the Dawsonville Pool Room. But those people don’t need a ‘cue’ to consume alcohol.”

    8. William Byron: Byron took the runner-up spot at Michigan and is now 7th in the points standings.

    “That was a crazy wreck by Corey LaJoie,” Byron said. “He flipped and slid on his roof for a pretty good distance. ‘Upside down’ is the operative phrase for that team, because LaJoie was ‘upside down’ on the track, and Spire Motorsports is ‘upside down’ on loans.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex saw a solid finish evaporate when he got loose and smacked the wall on Lap 194. He finished 24th.

    “I think NASCAR made the right decision to take the win away from Austin Dillon,” Truex said. “NASCAR could have wimped out and done nothing. So, as it stands, only Austin Dillon is ‘chicken s$#t.’”

    10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Michigan.

    “My brother Kurt was arrested on August 14th on DWI and reckless driving charges in Iredell County,” Busch said. “I can certainly relate. Look, I’ve been there, and by ‘been there,’ I mean ‘in court, pleading guilty.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Richmond and had a win in hand on the final corner, but was intentionally wrecked by Austin Dillon. Hamlin finished second.

    “I’d like to sarcastically welcome Austin Dillon to the Playoffs,” Hamlin said, “and go ahead and wish him a fond farewell from the Playoffs after Bristol on September 21st.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh at Richmond, posting his 12th top 10 of the season.

    “I won the Knoxville Nationals on the dirt on Saturday night,” Larson said. “I like racing on any type of track. It just goes to show that I’m the best driver in NASCAR; that is, unless some bad news ‘surfaces.’”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished third in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.

    “Austin Dillon was simply out of control,” Reddick said. “In his defense, he was just doing what Pop Pop told him to. But I think NASCAR needs to take a strong stand against this type of dangerous driving. I think it’s only fair that Dillon be suspended for the first three races of the Playoffs.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 at Richmond but was nabbed for speeding on pit road in Stage 3. The drive-through penalty likely cost him the win and he finished sixth.

    “Sometimes,” Bell said, “your car is so fast, you can’t help but go too fast. And sometimes, your car is so fast, NASCAR finds a way to penalize you just to make for a more competitive finish. And they definitely got what they asked for.”

    5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney came home 11th at Richmond.

    “I had a pretty good view of the crazy finish at the front,” Blaney said. “And I think NASCAR’s ambiguous reaction to Austin Dillon’s actions can be described with two words that have dual meanings: ‘fair game.’”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth in the Cook Out 400.

    “This was the first points race in which we had two types of Goodyear tires to choose from,” Elliott said. “There was the ‘prime’ tire, which is the harder compound, and the ‘option’ tire, which is the softer compound. It definitely made things much more interesting, for drivers and fans alike. You could say the tire choice has ‘compounded’ interest.”

    7. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Richmond.

    “Kyle Busch started the race with a wrap on his sprained wrist,” Byron said. “But he got some scissors in the pits and cut it off. I’m sure it still hurts though. So, Kyle is one driver who, should NASCAR decide to punish him, might actually be hurt by a ‘slap on the wrist.’”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16th at Richmond.

    “NASCAR racing is back after a two-week break for the Olympic Games,” Bowman said. “Now it’s back to the gold, silver, and bronze NASCAR fans are accustomed to, which is Gold Bond, The Silver Bullet Coors Light, and bronzer for their fake tans.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered a blown engine on Lap 251 and finished 37th in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.

    “My engine was ‘cooked,’” Truex said, “so I was ‘out.’”

    10. Bubba Wallace: Wallace came home fourth in the Cook Out 400, recording his fifth top 5 of the season.

    “Ross Chastain’s No. 1 car featured the image of a man in his underwear driving the car,” Wallace said. “It was the brainchild of Jockey, and obviously they overlooked the fact that they walked right into a cascade of ‘skid mark’ jokes.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took the lead in the pits on Lap 116 and held on until the end to win the Great American Getaway 400 at Pocono, his second win of the season.

    “I think this gives us great momentum heading into Indianapolis,” Blaney said. “A lot of drivers have stated how much ‘kissing the bricks’ means to them. Jeff Gordon once compared it to locking lips with his ex-wife Brooke.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 at Pocono, but came up short to Ryan Blaney in the final start and settled for the runner-up spot.

    “I had a few on-track battles with my old nemesis Alex Bowman,” Hamlin said. “Alex thinks he’s on my level. He’s not. People don’t hate him; they just really dislike him.”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished sixth at Pocono, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

    “My No. 45 Toyota featured the Money Lion paint scheme,” Reddick said. “When that’s on my car, Michael Jordan gets really excited, but only because he thinks it says ‘money line.’”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell ran in the top 10 for the majority of the day at Pocono and finished 12th.

    “The No. 20 Rheem Toyota wasn’t the fastest car on the track,” Bell said, “but we still managed a top 12. That’s mostly thanks to my pit crew. It’s like they say: ‘Rheem work makes the dream work.’”

    5. Kyle Larson: A late pit road speeding penalty cost Larson a lot of track position, and he finished 13th at Pocono.

    “All it takes is one mistake to ruin your day,” Larson said. “And I made that mistake. Basically, I put the ‘O no’ in ‘Pocono.’”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth in the Great American Getaway 400.

    “The broadcast of the race went head to head with that of the Spain vs England European Championship,” Elliott said. “I doubt there is much crossover in those two audiences. If you told the patrons down at the Dawsonville Pool Room that the European Championship was on TV, many would ask ‘Is it streaming?’”

    7. William Byron: Byron finished fourth at Pocono, scoring his first top 5 since Iowa on June 16th.

    “I haven’t won since Martinsville in early April,” Byron said. “I was in top form then, and I know I still have it in me. It’s like eating a Martinsville hot dog; it’s still going to be in you three months later.”

    8. Alex Bowman: Bowman backed up his win at Chicago with a solid third-place result at Pocono.

    “The words on my car say ‘Best Friends,’” Bowman said. “Best Friends has everything to do with the animal welfare organization, and nothing to do with my relationship with Bubba Wallace.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Pocono and finished eighth in the Great American Getaway 400.

    “I’m still looking for my first win of the season,” Truex said. “It would be awfully climactic if my first win of the season came at Phoenix in November to win the championship. It would be awfully anti-climactic if my first win came at Phoenix as someone else won the championship.”

    10. Ross Chastain: Chastain suffered a steering issue on Lap 53, which sent him sliding into the turn 3 wall. The accident ended his day and Chastain finished 36th.

    “When you’re fighting for a playoff spot,” Chastain said, “a terrible result like this can make you sick to your stomach, much like drinking Busch Light Peach.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 at New Hampshire and took charge after a long rain delay to win the USA Today 301.

    “You probably heard that I let it slip that Chase Briscoe is taking over Martin Truex’s No. 19 car next year,” Bell said. “I guess that’s how I got the nickname ‘The Human Press Release.’”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at New Hampshire.

    “When I heard the race was called the ‘USA Today 301,’” Larson said, “I said, understandably, ‘That’s news to me.’”

    Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Loudon and finished 18th.

    “I got sent for a spin when Joey Logano locked up his brakes and slid into me on a restart,” Elliott said. “I’m sure Joey didn’t do it on purpose. It was just a careless error on his part. As such, I could ‘care less’ about his apology.”

    4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished sixth in the USA Today 301 in a race that was interrupted for several hours due to rain.

    “We were in first when the rain started,” Reddick said, “so we would have won had it continued to rain. We were expecting rain and adjusted our strategy accordingly. The weather can change in an instant, and you have to adapt with the same level of speed. It’s called ‘precipitating a change.’”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 2 and finished 24th in the USA Today 301.

    “I thought I would be more competitive after the rain delay,” Hamlin said “Oddly enough, as the moisture dissipated, my chances ‘dried up’ as well.”

    6. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 10th at New Hampshire.

    “Congratulations to Christopher Bell,” Chastain said. “He got a huge lobster for winning the race. And all this time I thought a ‘crustacean’ was what they called people that spent a week in the Loudon campground without a shower.”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran up front before a series of miscues late in the race knocked him out of contention for the win. He battled back to finish ninth.

    “We had an issue with a tire on a pit stop on lap 188,” Truex said. “The right rear tire wasn’t completely secure, so the jackman had to come back around. In the end, the right rear tire, much like my chance to win, was screwed.”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was set for a top-10 finish before he was collected in a late restart when Michael McDowell lost traction and came up the track. Blaney ultimately finished 25th.

    “The threat of rain hovered over the race all day,” Blaney said. “And it finally came. So our cars were equipped with windshield wipers. I’m waiting for the day when every car’s wipers are plastered with sponsorship from Dude Wipes. I really wonder why that hasn’t already happened.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 28th in the USA Today 301.

    “I guess I’ll get blamed for spinning Martin Truex Jr.,” Keselowski said. “Did I move up the track a little? Maybe. If I can’t give Martin a retirement gift, I can surely give him some retirement drift.”

    10. William Byron: Byron finished 26th in the USA Today 301.”I haven’t won since Martinsville in early April,” Byron said. “That means I can’t win for losing.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson powered by Martin Truex Jr. and Chris Buescher for the lead on Lap 102 at Sonoma and cruised to the win in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, earning his third win of the season.

    “I was born in Elk Grove, California,” Larson said, “so it feels good to win in my home state. Sonoma is wine country, so I bet a lot of my fans raised a glass in my honor. I raised one in my opponents’ honor because they were ‘toast.’”

    2. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fourth at Sonoma, posting his sixth top-five this season.

    “I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of the Ross Chastain-Kyle Busch incident,” Elliott said. “Chastain and Busch are two of NASCAR’s biggest personalities. They’re unlike any other driver. They’re also unliked by any other driver.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin’s day ended early at Sonoma when his engine blew on Lap 2. He finished last in the 38-car field.

    “I’m not used to saying this,” Hamlin said, “but ‘I just beat your favorite driver (to our respective hauler for the post-race shower.)’”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell started 15th and finished ninth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “I was the only Joe Gibbs Racing driver in the top 10,” Bell said. “In fact, Denny Hamlin and Ty Gibbs finished last and next to last, respectively. Joe Gibbs is outraged that Denny’s engine blew so early. As far as his grandson Ty’s plight, well, he’s just ‘relatively’ upset.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 13th at Sonoma.

    “The race featured two Australian Supercar drivers,” Keselowski said, “Will Brown and Cam Waters. Those guys finished 31st and 35th, respectively, which is well ‘down under’ where they’d have to finish for me to view them as threats.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Sonoma, posting his sixth top 10 of the year.

    “The first half of the race was pure chaos,” Blaney said. “Incidentally, the term ‘pure chaos’ is the exact opposite of my father Dave Blaney, a man who’s so laid back he’s prone.”

    7. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs smashed the Turn 11 wall on Lap 16, damaging his right front beyond repair and ending his day. He finished 37th.

    “I consider myself a pretty good road course racer,” Gibbs said. “So the only thing more damaged than my car is my ego.”

    8. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished eighth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

    “I led the most laps of any driver,” Reddick said. “And all I have to show for it is a measly top-10 finish, and a lousy t-shirt.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran out of fuel on the final lap with the finish line in sight. Instead of taking the runner-up spot, Truex finished a disappointing 27th.

    “If I had to give us a letter grade on the day,” Truex said, “I would give us an ‘E.’”

    10. William Byron: Byron had an eventful day at Sonoma, with a number of issues leading to a 30th-place finish.

    “It was just one of those days,” Byron said. “I think we’ve all had one of those days, or something similar. Kyle Busch had ‘1’ of those days at Sonoma when he was dumped by Ross Chastain.”