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NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano held off Kevin Harvick on a late restart to win at Phoenix, taking his second win in four races this season.

“I won despite serving a mid-race penalty for a loose tire,” Logano said. “Luckily, the tire was the only ‘one that got away.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the front row at Phoenix and finished second, as Stewart-Haas Racing placed all four cars in the top 10.

“It sucks to come up short of victory,” Harvick said. “I really wanted to win. But I shouldn’t complain. Things could be worse. I could have been charged with a DWI and be the subject of a parody Twitter account.

“Tony Stewart will be racing in the Xfinity Series race at Indianapolis’ road course on July Fourth. He’ll be 49 then. That’s old. Tony’s so old, they’ll be calling July Fourth ‘In-Depends-Dence Day.’”

3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in an early spin triggered by contact between Denny Hamlin and Brad Keselowski. The damage ended Blaney’s day with a 37th-place finish.

“I was just an innocent bystander,” Blaney said, and I don’t even want to talk to Hamlin or Keselowski. So, my avoidance off the track will be much better than it was on the track.

“And speaking of ‘minding my own business,’ I just signed a multi-year extension to stay with Penske Racing. I submit that all future NASCAR contract signings should take place on the track, where drivers can sign on the dotted line at the start-finish line.”

4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th in the FanShield 500 at Phoenix and now sits fourth in the Cup points standings.

“Dillon Bassett and Brandon Brown had quite a scrap after the Xfinity Series race,” Bowman said. “Bassett was really irate. He really lost it. I wouldn’t be surprised if NASCAR pulls him for a random drug test. Then he’d be ‘really pissed.’”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th in the FanShield 500 and is now fifth in the points standings, 33 out of first.

“I’m doing an IndyCar team test with McLaren Racing on April 6,” Johnson said. “Does this mean I’m leaning towards a future in open-wheel racing? Maybe. I guess the only thing stopping me is window-netting.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived an early accident and finished 11th at Phoenix.

“It was quite an entertaining race,” Keselowski said. “Part of the credit should go to the ‘Awesome Sauce,’ which is what we call the grip compound placed on the track. The rest of the credit should go to the fans in the stands, who appeared to be ‘awesomely sauced.’”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Phoenix and is seventh in the points standings, 43 out of first.

“I’ll be taking a shot at the ‘Kyle Busch Bounty’ in the Truck Series on March 20 at Homestead-Miami Speedway,” Larson said. “Rap icon Flo Rida will be in attendance cheering for me. He’s providing ‘100 hoes.’ I’m planning on providing ‘100 G’s.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and finished seventh at Phoenix.

“My chances at winning were doomed by a loose front tire,” Elliott said. “Just think, one lug nut ruined my race. Just think how many times drivers will be able to say that starting in 2021.”

“This Coronavirus outbreak is really wreaking havoc in the sporting world,” Elliott said. “Optimists say it won’t affect NASCAR at all. Pessimists say we may be forced to compete in front of an empty facility. But I think those people are just ‘grandstanding.’”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch came home third at Phoenix, posting his second-consecutive top-three finish.

“The bounty for beating me in the Gander Trucks Series is up to $100,000,” Busch said. “I was discussing this with my brother Kurt, and he said the last time he asked someone ‘What’s the price on my head?,’ it was to his cosmetic ear surgeon.”

10. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto finished 13th in the FanShield 500 at Phoenix.

“My fame grows by the day,” DiBendetto said. “Pretty soon, I’ll need a spokesman to handle my media requests. He’ll just repeat things I say to the media. I’ll call him ‘Matt DiBeneditto.’”

March 10, 2020
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Martin Truex Jr. down the stretch at Homestead to win the Monster Energy Cup title, his second championship.

“I’m the Monster Energy Cup champion,” Busch said. “That bears repeating because I just repeated as champion. At what better place than the site of the Ford EchoBoost 400 to say it again?”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Homestead, but left asking ‘What might have been?’ after a pit road error in which his crew switched his left-front and right-front tires.

“That’s an inexcusable mistake,” Truex said. “It basically cost me the championship. I’m of good mind to take a ‘switch’ to the crew members responsible.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin’s day at Homestead was marred by an overheating issue that necessitated an unscheduled pit stop. Hamlin never could get back into contention and finished 10th.

“We tried a bold aerodynamic move,” Hamlin said, “by placing tape on the front of the No. 11 FedEx Camry. We went for ‘broke,’ and you could say, unfortunately, that it worked all too well.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Homestead as Kyle Busch took the championship.

“We were great on short runs,” Harvick said, “but struggled on the long runs. So, in the long run, we came up short.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Homestead, posting his 12th top-five of the season.

“It sucked not being able to defend my championship,” Logano said. “In other words, it sucked to be me.”

6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 11th in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

“Congratulations to Kyle Busch,” Blaney said. “He’s lucky to be champion. If Martin Truex Jr.’s crew knows left from right, Kyle’s probably not champion. In the end, what’s left is Kyle is the rightful champion.”

7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

“We’re all looking forward to the off-season,” Bowyer said. “Take this as a public service announcement if you like, but I’m looking forward to drinking and not driving.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Homestead, the best result among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

“I feel bad for Martin Truex Jr.,” Bowman said. “He should be champion. But let’s not be too hard on his crew team. They are all a bunch of good guys who do things the right way. They know right from wrong, just not right from left.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 18th at Homestead.

“Kyle Busch is still an ‘ass,’” Keselowski said, “because he really ‘ass-erted’ himself at Homestead. Now, he has ‘ass’-econd Cup championship.”

10. Chase Elliott: Elliott took 15th in the Ford EcoBoost 400.

“Even though we didn’t finish strong,” Elliott said, “I’m confident in our prospects next year. I’m hungry, the car and engine program are solid, and my crew knows a left front tire from a right front tire.”

November 19, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Phoenix

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth at Phoenix and will be joined by Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Kyle Busch and Denny Hamlin in the final four.

“Toyota is well-represented in the finale,” Truex said. “And Kevin Harvick is the lone Ford driver. So, JGR is trying to keep this title ‘in-house;’ Harvick’s trying to keep it ‘in-country.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won at Phoenix to claim a spot in the championship finale at Homestead. He joins Kevin Harvick and Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Martin Truex Jr. and Kyle Busch.

“I had to sweat out a late restart before I could breathe easy,” Hamlin said. “After I pulled ahead, I could ‘FedEx-hale.’”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Phoenix and finished second to secure his spot in the finale at Homestead.

“It’s going to be wild at Homestead,” Busch said. “I think you have the four best drivers battling for the championship. So, there are three drivers standing in my way and 35 other drivers standing in our way.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Phoenix and will be the lone Ford driver in the championship field.

“And then there was ‘4,’” Harvick said, “or, ‘And then there were four.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Phoenix and failed to make the championship field.

“I won’t be able to defend my Cup championship,” Logano said. “So, I’ve gone from ‘Sliced Bread’ to ‘Toast.’”

6. Ryan Blaney: Needing a win to advance, Blaney finished third at Phoenix.

“I came up just a bit short,” Blaney said. “Which is also something people said when I cut my hair.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth in the Bluegreen 500 at Phoenix and failed to make the field of four for Homestead.

“It sucks racing in the finale with no chance to become champion,” Larson said. “So, forget Homestead; I’d rather be ‘home instead.’”

8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished eighth at Phoenix, recording his 17th top 10 of the year.

“I’m pulling for my Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick,” Bowyer said. “And I’ll do absolutely anything to help him win, except spin intentionally. I have to draw the line somewhere and that line separates me from Bubba Wallace.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took 10th in the Bluegreen Vacations 500, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.

“Penske Racing won’t be bringing home a Cup championship this year,” Keselowski said. “The only ‘moving’ we’ll be doing is moving out of the way of the championship contenders.”

10. Chase Elliott: Needing a win to advance, Elliott crashed in the final stage and finished 39th.

“My last three races were downright abysmal,” Elliott said. “If my No. 9 car would have gone half as fast as the speed with which I dropped out of contention, I would be in Homestead with a chance at the Cup.”

November 11, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex, with his ticket already punched to the championship round, finished sixth in the AAA Texas 500.

“I’m feeling no pressure,” Truex said. “My spot in the finale is guaranteed. Heck, not only am I sitting pretty, I’m laying pretty. And in a quick plug for a former sponsor, I’m laying pretty on a Denver Mattress.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole and won the AAA Texas 500 to earn a spot in the championship finale at Homestead.

“I overcame a penalty in the pits for having equipment over the wall too soon,” Harvick said. “I warned my crew to keep their ‘equipment’ properly holstered. Otherwise, this race could have become the ‘XXX Texas 500.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at Texas and sits fourth in the playoff points standings.

“Tensions will be high at Phoenix,” Logano said. “If Denny Hamlin and I are racing for a spot in the finale and we crash, you can best believe there will be a confrontation. And it’s gonna take more than just one of my crewmen to pull Hamlin off of me.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Texas.

“I’m going to Phoenix with the intention of winning,” Busch said. “I’m not going to guarantee a win, because I don’t want to end up putting my foot in my mouth. I’d rather put my foot on a pedal on my floorboard because I’m gonna be ‘clutch.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: An early spin ruined Hamlin’s day at Texas, resulting in a 28th-place finish. Hamlin is fifth in the points standings and will likely need a win at Indianapolis to advance.

“The pressure will be immense at Phoenix,” Hamlin said. “Stomachs will be in knots. So, the desert will bring the dry heat, and the dry heaves.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 12th at Texas and is currently seventh in the playoff points standings.

“Bubba Wallace may have spun himself intentionally,” Larson said. “And that really screwed me. I don’t understand why Bubba is intentionally spinning when it happens enough accidentally.”

7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fifth at Texas, posting his seventh top-five of the season.

“The Formula 1 Grand Prix Of The United States was going down in Austin,” Byron said. “So, for a day, Texas was the racing capital of the world. As for traffic and parking issues, there was a ‘mess in Texas.’”

8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took eighth in the AAA Texas 500.

“I’ll likely need to win at Indianapolis to make it to Homestead,” Blaney said. “I’m somewhat confident I can do it. I just need a little extra motivation. So I’m reading ‘The Little Engine That Could,’ because I think I can, I think I can.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski crashed in Stage 1 at Texas and finished a disappointing 39th in the AAA Texas 500.

“I got a little greedy,” Keselowski said, “and as a result, I collected Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. This is all new for both of us because I’m not used to being out of the championship hunt and Ricky’s not used to being in a crash in which he wasn’t to blame.”

10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 32nd at Texas after an accident ruined his chances of a solid finish.

“I brushed the wall 9 laps into the race,” Elliott said. “Now, I’m really behind the 8-ball, which means I have to win. Well, I guess that’s my ‘cue.’”

November 4, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third, led 464 of 500 laps, and won at Martinsville Speedway in dominating fashion.

“I dominated in such fashion,” Truex said, “that the race became quite a borefest. I encouraged NASCAR officials to throw a ‘no-competition’ caution.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Martinsville and finished fourth at Martinsville.

“Joey Logano and I had words after the race,” Hamlin said. “Joey gave me a light shove, ran away, and I went after him. Then I got taken down by one of Joey’s crew members. I would describe Joey like I would a car that completes all the laps in a race—‘still running.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Martinsville to start Round 3 of the playoffs solidly.

“There wasn’t a whole lot of action during the race,” Harvick said, “but things picked up afterward. Joey Logano and Denny Hamlin had a confrontation on pit road. This means ‘war.’ Unfortunately, in today’s NASCAR, with pit crew interference so common, it’s only a ‘war of words.’”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled at Martinsville and finished 18th.

“I’ll have to contend with Aric Almirola for the rest of the season,” Busch said. “We made contact on the track and Almirola said he would ‘make it hell’ for me in the future. To that I say, ‘Hell yeah!’”

5. Kyle Larson: Latson took ninth in the First Data 500 at Martinsville.

“I’ve been racing with a fractured rib I suffered at Talladega,” Larson said. “It’s really affected my breathing. I think the only cure is a win, which would allow me to breathe easier.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano came home eighth at Martinsville despite contact with Denny Hamlin that left Logano suffering a cut tire.

“I confronted Hamlin after the race,” Logano said. “I just wanted an apology. He told me he wanted to consult with his ‘Joey Logano apology consultant’ prior to issuing an apology. That turned out to be Martin Truex Jr. At that point, I knew I wasn’t getting an apology.”

7. William Byron: Byron took the runner-up spot at Martinsville as Martin Truex Jr. won easily.

“Truex was unstoppable,” Byron said. “Once he got to the front, he was gone. He was so fast, he didn’t just say, ‘See ya!’ He said, ‘See ya, at Homestead!’”

8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth in the First Data 500.

“I’m pleased with my finish,” Blaney said. “But I’m only sixth in the playoff points standings. So, to my fans, I say, ‘If you’re gonna pull for someone, don’t pull for me. Pull for Martin Truex Jr. to win the next 2 races. That’s best for my playoff hopes.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Martinsville.

“Roger Penske was awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom from Donald Trump on Thursday,” Keselowski said. “Roger reciprocated by sending a moving truck to the White House, which probably wasn’t the best idea.”

10. Chase Elliott: Elliott blew an engine in practice and was forced to start at the back of the field. It didn’t get any better as an engine failure left Elliott with a 36th-place finish.

“I’m not sure what’s going on with our engines,” Elliott said. “We talked to our engine department once, and they said things were fine. Obviously a lie. We asked them again and were told there were no problems. Again, not true. So, we have a big problem with ‘re-lie-ability.’”

October 29, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took third at Talladega and is the leader in the Playoff points standings.

“I’m practically a lock to advance to the next round,” Hamlin said. “The mathematicians tell me that as long as I don’t vanish into thin air, I’ll qualify for the next round.

“I hit 204 miles per hour at practice on Friday. When you’re moving that fast, you’re a blur to all fans, not just the ones who’ve been drinking too much.”

2. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex struggled at Talladega, finishing 26th, six laps down.

“I had a pit road speeding penalty,” Truex said, “plus I sustained some damage in a wreck. Luckily, my place in the standings is ‘pointing’ to me advancing to the next round.

“Aerodynamics is of major importance at Talladega. Airflow is a big deal on the track, as well as in the infield port-a-potties. However, when you’re on the track, you want to be in the draft.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 19th at Talladega, the last car on the lead lap.

“This race was called the ‘1000bulbs.com 500,” Busch said. “Let’s just say, compared to the good old days, today’s NASCAR race names are ‘lit.’

4. Kyle Larson: Larson was collected in a big Lap 107 crash triggered by Alex Bowman blocking a run by Joey Logano. Larson’s car was destroyed and he finished 39th.

“That’s why my win at Dover was so important,” Larson said. “It made my advancement to the Playoffs Round of 8 ‘idiot-proof,’ or should I say ‘Alex Bowman-proof?’”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th in the 1000bulbs.com 500.

“I got knocked out of the race in a wreck caused by Kurt Busch hitting his brother Kyle,” Harvick said. “Somebody, maybe even two people, should be punched for that.

“Stewart-Haas Racing and Smithfield Foods extended their partnership,” Harvick said. “Smithfield specializes in pork, so our collective motto is now, ‘Make the tires squeal like a pig.’”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 25th at Talladega.

“Thanks to Kurt and Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said, “my chances of winning went kaput. In other words, Kurt and Kyle are both ‘asses-sories’ to ruining my day.

“The anxiety at Talladega is always evident. The tension is often so thick, you can cut it with a knife, or something even duller, like Matt Kenseth’s personality.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney nipped Ryan Newman at the finish line by .007 of a second to win at Talladega and punched his ticket to the Round of 8.

“I’d like to thank Aric Almirola for the big push he gave me,” Blaney said. “Two Fords working in harmony is a beautiful sight. The title of my Talladega diary entry could very well be, ‘My Back End, Your Front End.’”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 11th at Talladega and is only 18 points above the cut line to advance to the field of 8.

“I started the race on time,” Logano said. “Unlike Guns ‘N Roses, I didn’t have any ‘Axl’ problems this time.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Talladega and finished eighth.

“Hendrick Motorsports went 1-2-3-4 in qualifying,” Elliott said. “That’s more than just a ‘sweep;’ I would call consolidating the top two rows a ‘vacuum.’ Unfortunately, in the race, we mostly ‘sucked.’”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman’s day ended when he tried to block Joey Logano’s run on Lap 107, triggering a big crash that involved 11 cars.

“Just when my feud with Bubba Wallace was dying down,” Bowman said, “I do something that could start several more. Now there’s egg on my face as well as water.

“And speaking of Bubba, I’ve got a perfect idea to settle our beef. We need to settle this like men, with a duel, with water guns.”

October 14, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Dover.

“Kyle Larson just had too much of a lead,” Truex said. “I knew I couldn’t catch him, so I felt like there was really no point in extending myself trying to catch him. It was a case of ‘too much cushion for the pushin.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Dover and is second in the points standings.

“We certainly looked better than we did last week at Charlotte,” Busch said. “And I was very excited. Heck, I actually felt like hanging around for the finish.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Dover and led 218 laps on his way to a fifth at Dover.

“We were fast most of the race,” Hamlin said. “And we were even faster late in the race. Just to clarify, we were ‘fading fast.’”

4. Kyle Larson: Larson led 154 laps and won at Dover to secure his spot in the next round of the playoffs. The win snapped a 75-race winless streak.

“My wife Katelyn shotgunned a beer in Victory Lane,” Larson said. “That makes her ‘pound-for-pound,’ the absolute best wife in NASCAR.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started fourth and finished fourth at Dover.

“It’s a sad state of the sport,” Harvick said, “when the biggest feud in NASCAR right now is Bubba Wallace versus Alex Bowman. And it’s all about Bubba squirting a little water in Alex’s face. For fans of the sport who like to see a few punches thrown, this is absolute torture. In other words, it’s ‘water boring.’”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished third at Dover and solidified his standing in the points. He is seventh, 46 behind Martin Truex, Jr.

“Luckily,” Bowman said, “I didn’t have to deal with Bubba Wallace. At Charlotte, he squirted me in the face with water. I can understand it from his standpoint because that’s the only way he can ‘make a splash’ in this sport.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th, one lap down, in the Drydene 400 at Dover.

“Penske hasn’t been to Victory Lane since June,” Keselowski said. “We’re gonna try our darndest to end this slump. I mean, we’re going to go to great lengths to make it happen. I told Joey Logano we’re gonna work on it until the wheels fall off.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 34th at Dover after a broken axle prevented him from starting the race until he was already 20 laps down.

“That’s not what you would call being on a ‘roll,’” Logano said. “My first reaction was to say, ‘Aw hell! Broke loose!’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished last at Dover after his engine blew just eight laps into the race.

“‘That was quick,’” Elliott said, “is usually a phrase you don’t mind using to describe your car.”

10. William Byron: Byron finished 13th at Dover and is now eighth in the playoff points standings.

“We’re off to Talladega,” Byron said, “where anything can happen. Tensions will be high, and with playoff spots and positioning on the line, anxieties will be heightened. So, most drivers will be a ‘wreck’ before they even get on the track.”

October 7, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh at Charlotte and heads to Round 2 in second, five points behind Kyle Busch.

“Last year,” Truex said, “Jimmie Johnson cost me the win here. He made an insane attempt to pass for the lead on the final corner. It didn’t end well for either of us. Things haven’t ended well for Jimmie in years.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 37th in the Bank Of America Roval 400, 10 laps down.

“I decided to call it a day when the race was red-flagged to allow clean up after a multi-car crash,” Busch said. “It was too hot to sit in the car any longer, and I was already three laps down. That was me saying ‘Bu-bye.’ That’s called ‘quitting while you’re behind.’”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 19th at Charlotte.

“Charlotte’s ‘roval’ is one of the trickiest tracks in NASCAR,” Hamlin said. “It requires a great deal of concentration. One lapse and you will find yourself driving straight into a barrier. Then winning.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third at Charlotte and heads to the next round of the playoffs fifth in the points.

“I think NASCAR needs more road courses,” Harvick said. “Just so we can use the word ‘chicane’ more often. If you asked NASCAR fans if they know what a ‘chicane’ is, they would tell you ‘No.’ But chances are they would know they don’t like it.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott recovered from crashing head-on into a tire barrier while leading to win at Charlotte’s roval.

“That’s called ‘driving the brakes off’ the car,” Elliott said. “Luckily, my airbag didn’t deploy.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth in the Bank Of America Roval 400.

“You really have to work to navigate Charlotte’s roval,” Keselowski said. “There are 17 turns; couple that with in-car temperatures in the 120s and the only way to describe it is ‘turn and burn.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Charlotte and starts Round 2 of the playoffs fourth in the points, 17 behind Kyle Busch in first.

“I only needed to finish 29th or better to advance to the next round,” Logano said. “So, ‘Admission Accomplished.’”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 at Charlotte and finished 13th.

“I had a pit lane penalty,” Larson said. “I left my pit box while a crew member was trying to remove tape from the front of the car. That’s a violation and I was penalized a lap. I guess a ‘drive through’ penalty would have made more sense.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Charlotte.

“Not many people think I can win the championship,” Blaney said. “But before I can wrap my arms around the Monster Energy Cup championship trophy, I have to embrace the role of underdog. It almost sounds like a romance novel. Hey, whatever gets your engine revving.”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman claimed a spot in Round 2 of the playoffs with a gutsy runner-up finish at Charlotte. On an oppressively hot day, Bowman required medical treatment for heat exhaustion after the race.

“I was dizzy,” Bowman said. “So, like Bubba Wallace, I was ‘spinning.’

“I’m currently feuding with Austin Dillon and Bubba Wallace. If they want to come after me, I welcome it. If they feel froggy, they should jump, or as it’s known on the roval, ‘wheel hop.’ It would be the only way they can impact the playoffs.”

September 30, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Las Vegas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2 at Las Vegas and later passed Kevin Harvick for the lead with 20 laps to go. Truex then eased to victory and secured his place in the next round of the playoffs.

“In this case,” Truex said, “what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. It follows you all the way to the second round of the playoffs.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch fell two laps down early, but charged back to the lead lap at Las Vegas before a collision halted his ascent. He finished 19th but is still fourth in the Monster Energy points standings.

“That collision was with Garrett Smithey,” Busch said. “Who is Garrett Smithey? He must be the new kid on the block.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 47 laps and took the runner-up spot in the SouthPoint 400 at Las Vegas.

“I was leading,” Harvick said, “and ran into some traffic. That’s when Truex pounced and went from ‘Martin Truex, II‘ to ‘Martin Truex I.’ But I’m thrilled to start the playoffs with a runner-up. And my team would second that emotion.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano captured Stage 1 of the Southpoint 400 at Las Vegas, but ran into trouble in Stage 2 when contact with Daniel Suarez caused significant damage to the No. 22 Penske Ford. Logano recovered to finish ninth.

“I think Daniel Suarez really screwed me,” Logano said. “So I gave him the middle finger. I hate to point fingers, so I didn’t point my middle finger. It was aimed straight up at the sky.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 15th at Las Vegas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Martin Truex Jr. sailed to the win.

“Beside Martin,” Hamlin said, “JGR drivers struggled. I finished 15th, Kyle Busch finished 19th, and Erik Jones may just be finished.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Las Vegas.

“Former NFL superstar Marshawn Lynch drove the pace car in Sunday’s race,” Keselowski said. “Marshawn was known for going ‘Beast Mode,’ which makes sense here, because, after all, this is the Monster Energy Cup series.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott enjoyed a solid start to the playoffs with a fourth-place finish at Las Vegas.

“I’m happy we got off to a good start in the playoffs,’” Elliott said. “Some others weren’t so lucky, like Kyle Busch. He had some issues with a couple of ‘backmarkers.’ Just to clarify, ‘backmarkers’ aren’t ‘tramp stamp’ tattoos on the lower back of NASCAR fans; ‘backmarkers’ are cars that have been lapped. Most drivers don’t want to see either.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch cut a tire and slammed the wall hard on lap 187, ending his race at Las Vegas. He finished last.

“Of course it’s not how you want to start the playoffs,” Busch said. “I was the first driver out of the race. So my day came to an abrupt ending. You might as well call me ‘Curt Busch.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Las Vegas and is now 10th in the points standings.

“The temperature was 100 degrees when the race began,” Blaney said. “Ask any respectable NASCAR fan what’s the best way to deal with heat like that, and they’ll tell you, ‘warm beer.’”

10. William Byron: Byron started 14th and finished seventh at Las Vegas.

“If case you didn’t hear it,” Byron said, “Paul Menard announced his retirement. In case you did hear it and forgot, Paul Menard announced his retirement.”

September 16, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch blew his engine on lap 87 and finished 37th at Indianapolis.

“The race was called the ‘Big Machine Vodka 400 At The Brickyard,’” Busch said. “What a great sponsor for a NASCAR race. It’s a good time for NASCAR fans to claim their first top 10, because they all ‘finished fifth.’ But don’t you dare ever call Mark Martin ‘pint-sized.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin went to a backup car after his car caught on fire after slamming the wall in Saturday practice. He still finished 6th in a backup car, and will start the playoffs in second.

“Saturday practice was an ordeal,” Hamlin said. “NASCAR hasn’t seen a car filled with that much smoke since Winston was sponsoring the Cup.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole and led all but 42 laps on his way to capturing his second Brickyard 400 triumph.

“What a win,” Harvick said. “It was quite a thrill to climb the fence with Tony Stewart. That was exciting, plus it makes me confident that NASCAR catch fences can handle anything.”

4. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished 27th at Indianapolis and will start the championship playoffs in 3rd place.

“The NRA says NASCAR is becoming anti-gun,” Truex said. “Has the NRA seen what’s going on in a NASCAR infield? Everyone is packing, and everyone is loaded. Wait just a minute. I must be thinking about coolers.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Indianapolis and finished second, over 6 seconds behind Kevin Harvick.

“Harvick’s car was just too good,” Logano said. “In NASCAR, a six-second lead is an eternity. And, for the fans watching a race that isn’t close, it’s also an eternity.

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski crashed hard on lap 48 after contact with Erik Jones.

“I went hard into a tire barrier,” Keselowski said. “The tires went flying. Those tires covered a very dangerous angle on the track. All I know is that it needs to be ‘retired.’”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 9th at Indianapolis.

“Jimmie Johnson missed making the playoffs,” Elliott said. “That breaks a streak of 15 straight playoffs. Jimmie went from ‘Seven-time,’ to ‘Fifteen-time,’ to now, ‘Not This Time.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 30th at Indianapolis after damage in a lap 106 wreck marred his race.

“I got mixed up in a tangle between Jimmie Johnson and William Byron,” Busch said. “And I absolutely accept no blame in the fiasco. If someone wants to blame me, I’ll deny it vehemently, because I refuse to be anyone’s punching bag.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Indianapolis and heads to the playoffs with 2,004 points, 41 behind first-place Kyle Busch.

“I’m not satisfied with just making the playoffs,” Blaney said. “I want to win the championship. I just spoke those words into my exhaust, because it’s a ‘pipe dream.’”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth at Indianapolis and claimed a spot in the playoff field.

“My Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Daniel Suarez is currently feuding with Ryan Newman,” Harvick said. “It’s become so bad, many people have suggested we build a wall between them.”

September 10, 2019