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Tag: NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: An engine change sent Busch to the rear at the start but he steadily climbed forward, ultimately falling short of catching Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Erik Jones, who secured his first win of the year.

“I nearly pulled off the ‘last to first’ run,” Busch said. “I’ve done it many times, the first being when I was born after my older brother Kurt, only to finish first in my parents’ favorite child vote.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was collected in a final stage wreck and finished 29th, his worst finish of the year.

“It was a tough weekend,” Hamlin said. “I won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday, but I was disqualified for what’s known as a ‘ride-height violation.’ There’s a fine line between ‘high enough’ and ‘too high,’ and it’s just one of the many things that’s straddled in track infields every week.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Darlington, one lap down.

“The race started 4 hours late,” Truex said. “That’s a long time. Drivers even had time for naps. Believe it or not, not racing makes you sleepy. Ask most fans, and they’ll tell you racing makes them sleepy.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth at Darlington, and is now fourth in the points standings.

“It was ‘throwback’ week at Darlington,” Harvick said. “That doesn’t mean Bubba Wallace was tossing the football with fans during a rain delay. It does mean that throwback stock cars had crappy paint schemes.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took fifth in the Bojangles’ Southern 500.

“My No. 2 Mustang honored Rusty Wallace’s 1996 paint scheme,” Keselowski said. “It looked so much like Rusty’s version, Ryan Newman tried to wreck me.”

6. Joey Logano: A cut tire forced an unscheduled pit stop midway through the race, and Logano limped home to a 14th-place finish at Darlington.

“We appreciate all the fans who outlasted the rain delay and stayed until the end,” Logano said. “To those who didn’t, well, we’re not going to lose any sleep over it.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 19th at Darlington, two laps down, his night hindered by damage suffered in a lap 260 multiple-car accident.

“My Hendrick teammate William Byron’s paint scheme was inspired by Cole Trickle’s car in the ‘Days Of Thunder’ movie,” Elliott said. “Personally, I would have much rather seen a paint scheme honoring the legendary Dick Trickle. That’s a paint scheme that would have been difficult to keep secret. In other words, it would have ‘leaked.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch started fourth at Darlington and finished seventh at Darlington.

“We’re headed to Indianapolis next,” Busch said. “There are some playoff spots on the line so I’m guessing you might see some drivers who don’t even win the race ‘kissing the bricks.’ If the actual win puts a driver in the Playoffs, you might see a ‘bricklayer.’”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson took the runner-up spot in the Bojangles’ Southern 500, earning his fifth-straight top-10 finish.

“Ryan Newman’s No. 6 car had the Oscar Mayer paint scheme,” Larson said. “The ‘Wienermobile’ even made an appearance. ‘Weinermobile’ is also what Ryan calls anything Kurt Busch is driving.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 13th at Darlington. He is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings and clinched a spot in the playoffs.

“Ty Dillon’s crew chief Matt Borland failed a recent drug test,” Blaney said. “He claimed it was the result of his consumption of diet coffee. Borland defended himself by saying, ‘Say it ain’t so, Joe.’”

September 2, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch fell a lap down early but recovered to post a fourth-place finish at Bristol.

“Unlike Denny Hamlin,” Busch said, “I would never apologize to a driver whom I passed for the victory. I don’t want anyone to ever say, ‘Kyle Busch puts the ‘ass’ in ‘compassion.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Bristol and overcame a number of impediments, including a loose wheel, contact with Jimmie Johnson, and falling a lap down at one point.

“That’s called ‘beating adversity,’” Hamlin said. “As we all know, adversity is not even close to being undefeated. In fact, it’s the only thing Kurt Busch has ever beaten in a fight.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 13th at Bristol, two laps down.

“Congratulations to Denny Hamlin,” Truex said. “But let’s face it, the night belongs to runner-up Matt DiBenedetto, who just recently lost his ride. Fans gave him a standing ovation. And while all those fans were standing, Matt was the one looking for a ‘seat.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano found himself in an early hole after an unscheduled pit stop left him three laps down. He battled his way back to the lead lap, but damage in a Lap 364 accident damaged the nose of his No. 22 Penske Mustang. He finished 16th and is second in the points standings, 39 behind Kyle Busch.

“It was an up and down night,” Logano said. “Not only for me but for many drivers. There were more ‘uppers’ and ‘downers’ than a sleepover at Tim Richmond’s house.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott took fifth at Bristol to post the best finish for a Chevrolet.

“I don’t think the No. 9 Hendrick Motorsports car was good enough to win,” Elliott said. “But I’m happy to give Chevy their best finish. It’s a small victory. I guess that’s the result when you ‘manufacture’ a win.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished last at Bristol.

“Nothing beats a victory burnout with your son in the car,” Harvick said. “I experienced that after winning at Michigan. Bristol was another story. After my performance at Bristol, my son Keelan called a ride-share, because he was ‘Uber-disappointed.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took third in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race, recording his first top-five since a fifth at Chicagoland in late June.

“I think fans and drivers alike love night racing,” Keselowski said. “Ask anyone and they’ll tell you, ‘Night racing is way ‘cooler’ than day racing.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Bristol, posting his 13th top 10 of the season.

“I think Matt DiBenedetto’s performance will certainly get him another job,” Busch said. “But really, he probably would have won the race if stubborn old Ryan Newman had gotten out of his way. Thanks to Newman, DiBenedetto got ‘jobbed.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 10th, one lap down, at Bristol, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.

“I cut a tire and triggered an accident that collected several cars,” Blaney said. “Sparks were flying out of the rear end of my car. ‘Sparks’ and ‘rear end’ are never a good combination anywhere, especially at Martinsville after one of their hot dogs.”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 at Bristol and finished sixth.

“How about J.J. Yeley pulling Slayer as a sponsor for his car?” Larson said. “Apparently, some other sponsors didn’t want to be associated with the band. I guess these other sponsors must have a lot of influence, but I think they should mind their own business. It’s a case of ‘heavy meddle.‘”

August 19, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started third and finished 11th at Watkins Glen, despite tangling with both William Byron and Bubba Wallace.

“I hear Bubba went on a profanity-laced tirade about me,” Busch said. “He said the ‘A-word,’, the ‘S-word,’ and the ‘F-word.’ Oddly enough, though, no ‘W’s.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Watkins Glen, chasing Chase Elliott over the course of the closing laps.

“I’m not sure I could have even passed Elliott had I got close enough,” Truex said. “His car was too good, and he was too good. Let’s face it, the Chase was on.’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano struggled from the start at Watkins Glen and finished 23rd.

“My day sucked from the start,” Logano said. “So, with respect to the name of this race being called the ‘Go Bowling At The Glen,’ I will spare you the details. Plus, I’d like to strike this race from my memory. It’s really frustrating. But, of course, it could be worse. I could have three fingers and 16 pound balls.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one week after winning at Pocono.

“I feel like I’m in form to make a solid run at the Monster Energy Cup championship,” Hamlin said. “I’m on a great team and I have a great car, so what’s stopping me from completing the deal? Certainly not my sponsor, because at least Fed Ex knows how to ‘deliver the goods.’”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and won the Go Bowling At The Glen, earning his second consecutive win at Watkins Glen.

“I led all but 10 laps,” Elliott said, “and swept all three stages. It was great to get the win, but I have my sights set on the bigger prize. I could care less about a ‘bowl;’ my eyes are on the Cup.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home seventh at Watkins Glen, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.

“My feet were the featured pair of the ‘Foot Cam’ at Watkins Glen,” Harvick said. “It’s the one time I’d rather not be known as ‘Mr. Clutch,’ because this ‘Foot Cam’ footage always seems to end up on some creepy internet foot fetish site.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one spot ahead of younger brother Kyle.

“Kyle really pissed off some other drivers,” Busch said. “As you know, the Busch brothers love confrontation on the track, but not necessarily off the track. We’re talkers, not fighters. So, if someone dares us to meet them to settle a difference, we often go the opposite direction. It must be hereditary because it ‘runs’ in the family.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Watkins Glen, earning his 12th top 10 of the year.

“I got a great deal of satisfaction from seeing Bubba Wallace send Kyle Busch for a spin,” Keselowski said. “Everybody knows Kyle is an ‘ass.’ In fact, he is the king of asses. So, it makes perfect sense that Wallace retaliated, because Kyle was ‘ass-king’ for it.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Watkins Glen, scoring his third consecutive top-10 finish.

“I sent Jimmie Johnson into the tire barriers at the carousel turn,” Blaney said. “He’s none too happy about it and he’s vowed revenge. Jimmie has implied that I have a target on my back. Well, I replaced that sign with one that says ‘The Past.’ And I feel pretty safe, because Jimmie’s been chasing ‘the past’ for three years now, and still hasn’t caught it.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola overcame an early shifter problem to post a 12th-place finish in the Go Bowling At The Glen.

“I was nearly up ‘Shift Creek,’” Almirola said, “but my pit crew remedied the situation. Now, if I was a Formula 1 driver and my shifter broke, I would be ‘up Shift Creek without a paddle.’”

August 5, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second in the Foxwoods Resort Casino 301 and finished eighth, despite a brush with the wall in the final stage.

“I’ve had lots of experience with walls,” Busch said. “So have people who tried to interview me when I was a young punk.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at New Hampshire and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by three over Kyle Busch.

“I was just happy to get through the race without suffering from heat exhaustion,” Logano said. “Who’s not at risk of suffering from ‘heat’ exhaustion? NASCAR fans, that’s who. There is not ‘heat,’ also known as ‘rivalries,’ between drivers. And don’t tell me Clint Bowyer vs. Ryan Newman is a feud. It’s not. Newman has a notoriously hard head, and he was wearing a helmet, so he still doesn’t believe that Bowyer actually punched him.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the Foxwoods Resorts Casino 301.

“It was the hottest race ever in New Hampshire,” Truex said. “And it sucked. Some of the younger drivers said it was ‘hot AF.’ I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m fairly sure it’s the exact opposite of ‘Cold AC.’”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Denny Hamlin on the final turn to win at New Hampshire, his second consecutive win at the ‘Magic Mile’ and first victory since Texas in November.

“Finally!” Harvick said. “I’ve got a win. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. This freedom must feel like what mini-Kevin Harvick feels like when he strips down to his boxers and a T-shirt.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin wrecked in Friday practice and almost took the victory at New Hampshire in a backup car, finishing second to Kevin Harvick.

“Wrecks in practice are a sure-fire way to ruin a weekend,” Hamlin said. “Just ask my crew.

“But what about that weather? It was hot. It hovered around 100 degrees, and inside the car, it was even worse. I think Fed Ex should take advantage of this in a promotional sense and offer a new delivery package called the hot box’ for discreet deliveries.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 18th at New Hampshire.

“The Kevin Harvick-Denny Hamlin duel at the end had a lot in common with me and my brother Kyle’s battle at Kentucky,” Busch said. “The biggest similarity is that in both cases, the drivers involved really do not like each other.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished 10th.

“It’s good that Stewart-Haas Racing finally has a win,” Keselowski said. “With one word, Kevin Harvick silenced his critics and gave a shout out to one of his sponsors. He said, ‘Bu-schhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered from mechanical issues and finished 29th at New Hampshire.

“It was a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Elliot said. “We didn’t even have a car finish in the top 10. Plus we went through way too many cars. But I trust this organization’s resiliency. So, trust me when I say we’ll be ‘back up‘ next week.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted his sixth top five of the year with a fourth at New Hampshire.

“Some guy named Andy Suess made his Cup debut in the No. 51 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Larson said. “And no, he does not drive for ‘The Cat In The Hat’ Jack Roush.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the points standings.

“What a drive by Kevin Harvick,” Almirola said. “He faced a huge amount of pressure from Denny Hamlin, yet Harvick remained calm and held him off. Considering the weather, Kevin picked the perfect day to have ‘ice water in his veins.’”

July 22, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Kentucky to older brother Kurt after a dramatic and spirited two-lap battle for the win.

“What a finish!” Busch said. “I think all the fans were on their feet, which is surprising because in most cases when you mention the Busch brothers, the words ‘can’t stand’ are used.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano led with two laps remaining but was shuffled back on the final restart and finished seventh.

“If not for that final caution,” Logano said, “I would have won easily. So thanks Bubba Wallace for ruining my night. It may be the first time the No. 43 STP car has actually impacted a race since Richard Petty retired.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 19th in the Quaker State 400, his night hindered by a late pit road speeding penalty.

“Sure I’m disappointed,” Truex said, “but I got to witness one of the greatest finishes in NASCAR history. As duels go, I don’t think Kurt and Kyle Busch can top this unless they used real guns. If Kurt lost, he would finally be right about one thing–he knew an assassin.”

4. Kurt Busch: Busch made a move from third on the final restart at Kentucky, and held off younger brother Kyle to win his first race of the season.

“I don’t feel bad for my brother,” Kurt Busch said. “He’s already got four wins this year; he can spare a loss to his brother. I hope it humbles him to see me in Victory Lane. As they say, ‘Little brother is watching.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 20th at Kentucky, one lap down.

“I’m disappointed,” Keselowski said, “but I was thrilled to see such an exciting race. The race had nearly everything, although it lacked a driver taking another driver’s hat off and tossing it to the ground. I hope Clint Bowyer’s paying attention because if you’re going to do something to another driver, you should remember to take their hat off first.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered an early flat tire and fell a lap down, but worked his way back through the field to salvage a 15th-place finish.

“One week ago,” Elliott said, “the No. 77 car won at Daytona with Justin Haley behind the wheel. At Kentucky, some person named ‘Quin Houff’ drove the 77 and finished 34th, eight laps down. What’s my point? The closest Quin Houff will ever get to being Justin Haley is only by listening to Metallica’s ‘Ride The Lightning’ album.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 22nd in the Quaker State 400.

“The No. 4 Ford sported the Hunt Brothers Pizza paint scheme,” Harvick said. “But my car just wasn’t up to par. If my car’s performance was pizza, it would be the kind of pizza served in convenience stores.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin stormed back from an uncontrolled tire penalty to post a fifth at Kentucky, as Joe Gibbs Racing placed three cars in the top five.

“Erik Jones could have easily won that race,” Hamlin said. “He had a front-row seat for the Kurt Busch-Kyle Busch battle. If they wreck, Erik wins. So, no one wanted to see the Busch’s wreck more than Erik. But let me be clear: everyone wanted to see them wreck; just none more than Erik.”

9. Alex Bowman: Alex Bowman finished 17th at Kentucky and is ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 192 out of first.

“My Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron had a good shot at the win,” Bowman said, “but he jumped a restart and had to serve a stop-and-go penalty. Apparently, he got duped by Clint Bowyer. But really, does Bowyer actually know when or when not to ‘punch it?’”

10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth in the Quaker State 400.

“Chris Buescher’s JTG Daugherty Chevrolet was sponsored by Planters Peanuts,” Larson said. “So you may have seen their mascot, Mr. Peanut, at Kentucky Speedway in the pits. That’s unusual because, at most NASCAR races, those without pants are usually in the infield.”

July 14, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Pocono and led 79 laps on his way to the win in the Pocono 400. It was Busch’s fourth win of the season.

“That was my 55th Cup win,” Busch said. “That ties me with Rusty Wallace for ninth on the all-time list. Rusty is a NASCAR legend. Anytime I’m on any list alongside Rusty Wallace, I’m thrilled unless that list is Ryan Newman’s ‘S’ list.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at Pocono as Penske Racing placed two cars in the top 10.

“Penske Racing is still riding high from Josef Newgarden’s win in the Indianapolis 500 on May 26th,” Logano said. “Unfortunately, as the last two races suggest, Joe Gibbs Racing has been drinking our milk.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took second at Pocono, posting his sixth top five of the season.

“There was no catching Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “I was on his bumper one second; the next second, he was gone. Usually, when I say ‘Kyle Busch is out of my life,’ it brings me immense joy. Not so in this case.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex’s engine expired on Lap 91, ending his day at Pocono. He finished 35th and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“What’s something that blew up at Pocono?” Truex said. “My engine. What’s something that didn’t blow up at Pocono? Television ratings for the race.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fourth at Pocono, posting his fifth consecutive top-five finish, the longest streak of his career.

“Hendrick Motorsports still only has one win all season,” Elliott said. “Sure, it doesn’t stack up to Joe Gibbs Racing’s nine wins, or Penske Racing’s four, but Rick Hendrick told us not to be discouraged, and to look for motivation in the ‘small victories.’”

6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth at Pocono as Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Kyle Busch and Erik Jones finished first and third, respectively.

“I ended a streak of four consecutive finishes of 15th or worse,” Hamlin said. “I’m happy because the last thing I want to be is the low man on the totem pole at JGR. To avoid that, I simply have to keep up with the ‘Jones’s.’”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th at Pocono.

“My little brother Kyle won the race,” Busch said, “in a car sponsored by ‘Hazelnut Spread M&M’s.’ That’s amazing. I think there are now more types of M&M’s than there were passes for the lead on Sunday.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was in contention late at Pocono before a penalty for an uncontrolled tire ruined his day. Things got even worse when mechanical problems arose soon after the penalty.

“I was driving the Busch beer ‘Millennial’ car,” Harvick said. “Any rational observer would have thought Kyle Busch was driving the ‘Millennial’ car, what with the ‘Hazelnut Spread M&M’s’ logo splashed across it.”

9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home fifth in the Pocono 400, scoring his fifth top five of the season.

“I’m pleased with our result,” Bowyer said. “The only person I wanted to punch after this race was the NASCAR official who implemented this rules package.”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 15th at Pocono and is now 11th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“My Hendrick teammate William Byron won his second consecutive pole,” Bowman said. “That gives Hendrick a series-best six poles. So, our history of qualifying is sterling, but our history of winning is checkered.”

June 3, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 10th at Talladega to keep his streak of top-10 finishes alive. His streak now stands at 10.

“Mine wasn’t the only ‘streaking’ going on a Talladega,” Busch said. “There was the ‘Miss Nude Talladega Infield” contest staged on Saturday night. That’s right, I said ‘Saturday night.’ Sure, it was dark, so the contestants were judged by headlights.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano led 37 laps and finished fourth in the Geico 500.

“I thought I had the race won,” Logano said. “But then Chase Elliott and two other Chevrolets got by me. In the end, Chevy finished 1-2-3 and finally looked like a contender. So, not only did Chevy win and place, but they finally showedup.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was involved in a Lap 11 wreck in the Geico 500 and the ensuing damage eventually ruined his day, forcing him to the garage on lap 80.

“I blame Bubba Wallace for the wreck,” Hamlin said. “He basically ruined any chance I had. Much of the talk at Talladega was of ‘spoiler height.’ Well, my ‘spoiler height’ was 5′ 10,” because that’s how tall Bubba is.”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott grabbed the lead after a restart with four laps to go and held on to win the Geico 500, which ended under caution. Elliott led a 1-2-3 finish for Chevy as Hendrick teammate Alex Bowman took second, followed by Ryan Preece in third.

“I also led Hendrick to a 1-2-3 finish in Stage 2,” Elliott said. “Up until Talladega, Hendrick Motorsports looked downright incompetent. I doubt competitors thought we could count 1-2-3, much less finish 1-2-3.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered damage in an accident with seven laps to go and finished a disappointing 20th at Talladega.

“One minute,” Truex said, “I’m looking at a sure top-10 finish. The next minute, I’m spinning. Fortunes change in a split second, much like NASCAR’s explanations for when and when not to throw a caution flag.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home 13th at Talladega, while Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano finished fourth.

“I’m very surprised NASCAR officials didn’t throw a caution when Ricky Stenhouse Jr. spun and slammed the wall on the final lap,” Keselowski said. “Stenhouse hasn’t felt less important since Danica Patrick dumped him.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was knocked out early at Talladega, exiting on Lap 11 from damage sustained when contact between Ryan Blaney and Bubba Wallace triggered a wreck. Harvick finished 38th.

“It was a tough start to the race for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Harvick said. “Right off the bat, Ryan Blaney got bumped, and the next thing you know, SHR teammate, Clint Bowyer, slammed into me. It was downhill from there. I looked at my No. 4 Ford with the flannel paint scheme and said to myself, ‘I see a pattern here.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch posted a strong sixth-place finish at Talladega.

“It’s always unpredictable at Talladega,” Busch said. “And I’m talking about what goes on in the infield. Jeremy Mayfield once opined that there’s more ‘speed’ in the infield than on the track.”

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola battled back from an early pit road speeding penalty to post a solid ninth in the Geico 500 at Talladega.

“Congratulations to Chase Elliott,” Almirola said, “and to people who dine at Hooters. Since Chase won, you can get 15 wings and a pitcher of beer or Mountain Dew for just $15. It’s an actual instance of ‘Winner, winner, chicken dinner.’ And, it would feed a NASCAR family of one.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney survived early trouble at Talladega and finished 15th in the Geico 500.

“Stewart-Haas Racing is still winless for the season,” Blaney said. “Word around the campfire is that Joe Gibbs Racing and Penske Racing are calling our 200,000 square foot in Kannapolis, NC the ‘Inferiority Complex.’”

April 30, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started 14th and finished third at Martinsville, posting his fifth top five of the season.

“I won the Trucks Series race on Saturday,” Busch said. “And speaking of the Trucks Series, a fellow named Myatt Snider’s truck is sponsored by Tax Slayer. Tax Slayer would have been better off with their name on a Cup car on Sunday, with a message to all race ticket holders that said, ‘You all deserve a refund.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Martinsville, leading 446 of 500 laps to win the STP 500.

“That’s three wins by the Ford Mustang this year,” Keselowski said, “all by Penske Racing. Toyota has won the other three races. Chevrolets are winless, and that’s sad, because Chevys are as American as apple pie. And, while you candrive one to the levee, you currently can’t drive one to Victory Lane.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth in the STP 500 at Martinsville, posting his third top five of the season.

“Martinsville has the best trophy in auto racing,” Hamlin said. “It’s a grandfather clock. In this age of cell phones, it’s nice to see a timepiece with a little antiquity. I think all fans should spend an afternoon watching a grandfather clock operate. Only then could they truly appreciate Sunday’s race.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Martinsville and finished 19th.

“Brad Keselowski and Chase Elliott were the class of the field,” Logano said. “The other 34 drivers were relegated to spectators, which sucked, because this race was awful for spectators.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth in the STP 500 and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“We had SiriusXM sponsorship on our Toyota Camry at Martinsville,” Truex said. “That’s a partnership that had been in the works for quite some time. So, not only could you see it coming, you could hear it coming as well.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Martinsville.

“I’m winless so far this season,” Harvick said, “but I’ve got five top-10 finishes already. So I feel like I’m making progress in each race toward finally achieving victory. That’s why my nickname is Kevin ‘The Closer And Closer’ Harvick.”

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola started second and finished ninth at Martinsville.

“Danica Patrick will be a studio analyst for NBC during the Indianapolis 500 in May,” Almirola said. “Word is her chances of winning the race are just as good as when she was driving.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 12th at Martinsville.

“For those expecting to see bumping and banging at Martinsville,” Busch said, “well, they were sadly disappointed. The only paint being traded at Martinsville on Sunday was between unlicensed tattoo artists in the campground.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 49 laps, but was no match for Brad Keselowski, who routed the field at Martinsville. Elliott settled for the runner-up spot.

“That was Hendrick Motorsports’ first top five this year,” Elliott said. “It’s not the ideal result, but, at this point, we’ll gladly take any victory, even if it’s simply a moral one.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took fourth at Martinsville and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup standings, 70 out of first.

“Brad Keselowski won the race easily,” Blaney said. “He dominated in a way not seen in a long time. He ate the field for lunch like it was a Martinsville hot dog. In other words, true to the Keselowski heritage, Brad ‘Polish-ed’ them off.”

March 25, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fought off the effects of a stomach bug to win the race at Atlanta.

“The race was called the ‘Folds Of Honor Quik Trip 500,” Keselowski said. “Trust me, with this stomach issue, I made a lot a ‘Quik Trips.’”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Atlanta after starting at the back of the field.

“Give Brad Keselowski credit for toughing out the win despite his tummy troubles,” Busch said. “It must be contagious, because now I want the chance to prove that I can win with an illness. In other words, Brad Keselowski makes me sick.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 45 laps in Atlanta and finished fourth.

“The surface at Atlanta Motor Speedway is quite abrasive,” Harvick said. “It really does a number on your tires. A fan suggested I discuss these particular issues on a web site devoted to extreme tire wear issues called ‘Grindr.’ Well, it turns out this site is not devoted to tires at all.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex caught race-leader Brad Keselowski with two laps to go at Atlanta but couldn’t make the pass as Keselowski took the checkered flag.

“Ricky Stenhouse Jr. really held me up,” Truex said. “And I’m beyond frustrated. He was a lap down. Of course, it’s not the first time Ricky has held someone back. Danica Patrick dumped him and upgraded to Aaron Rodgers!”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Atlanta one week after winning the Daytona 500.

“Despite finishing outside the top 10,” Hamlin said, “I’m still atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings. So basically, ‘My Win At Daytona Has Kept Relevant,’ which may very well be the title of Trevor Bayne’s autobiography.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 142 laps, but a late pit lane speeding penalty spoiled his chances for the win. He finished 12th and is fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“I got caught going too fast entering pit lane,” Larson said. “So, I was ‘too fast entering.’ I hear Brad Keselowski’s trouble was ‘too fast exiting.’”

7. Joey Logano: Logano struggled to a 23rd at Atlanta as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski captured the win, his 60th for Penske.

“I’m really proud of Brad,” Logano said. “That was a gutsy effort. I bet Brad was exhausted afterwards. In fact, I’m sure his first words were, ‘I’m pooped.’”

8. Erik Jones: Jones took seventh at Atlanta and has two top-10 finishes to start the season. He is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“As a teammate to Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin, and now Martin Truex Jr.,” Jones said, “I’m low man on the totem pole here at Joe Gibbs Racing. But Joe Gibbs does a great job pretending I’m an equal. So Joe wins the Oscar for ‘best supporting actor.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished third in the Folds Of Honor Quik Trip 500 at Atlanta.

“I think everyone is happy with NASCAR’s new rules package,” Busch said. “And if you’d like to quote me saying ‘Impressive package,’ please do so in context.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola started on the pole and finished eighth at Atlanta.

“I got busted for speeding on pit road,” Almirola said. “I had to question NASCAR officials’ judgment on this, so I did. And they answered, ‘Those are the breaks.’ Or they may have answered, ‘Those are the brakes.’ I guess both are good answers.”

February 25, 2019