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NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon seized his opportunity at Martinsville, taking the lead late and holding on for his ninth win at the Virginia half-mile track. With the win, Gordon will be one of four drivers vying for the Sprint Cup at Homestead.

“I can certainly identify with Joey Logano,” Gordon said. “Because we both ‘owe’ Matt Kenseth.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano was dominating at Martinsville and seemed headed for his fourth straight victory, till Matt Kenseth intentionally wrecked Logano with 47 laps left. Logano finished 37th, 42 laps down.

“It was a total coward move by Kenseth,” Logano said. “And I should know—I’m all yellow.

“I’m furious, and so is my father Tom. He was redder than a Martinsville hot dog. He was so irate, he had to be restrained. And speaking of ‘restraint,’ that reminds me of my first memory of my father, when he duct-taped to the seat of a go-cart and said ‘Drive.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 38 laps and finished eighth in the Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500.

“Once again,” Harvick said, “I made a move that kept my championship hopes alive. This time, however, instead of driving into the fray, I steered clear of controversy.”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth at Martinsville, and is second in the points standings with two races to go before the finale at Homestead.

“I can’t wait to hear NASCAR’s response to the Matt Kenseth-Joey Logano incident,” Busch said. “In the ‘Boys, have at it’ age, and just weeks after Brian France used the term ‘quintessential NASCAR,’ it seems that NASCAR, just like Logano, was ‘asking for it.’”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Martinsville, posting his 14th top-5 finish of the year.

“I think we may need to look into updating the definition of the word ‘accident’ in this sport,” Hamlin said.

6. Carl Edwards: Despite front-end damage suffered in an early accident, Edwards finished a solid 14th at Martinsville.

“The crew did a good job of repairing the No. 19 Toyota,” Edwards said. “So good, in fact, that NASCAR wants some pointers on ‘damage control.’”

7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex led 27 laps at Martinsville and finished sixth at Martinsville.

“NASCAR won’t stand for this type of vigilante justice,” Truex said. “NASCAR fans, on the other hand, well, they’ll not only stand, they’ll give it an ovation, as well.”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was collected in an accident that sent him crashing into Matt Kenseth’s No. 20 Toyota. Keselowski’s No. 22 suffered major damage to the suspension, and he limped home with a 32nd-place finish.

“I did not wreck Kenseth on purpose,” Keselowski said. “No, that’s not me quoting Joey Logano from Kansas. That’s me being honest, and, let’s face it, apparently NASCAR drivers can only be honest when they haven’t wrecked someone on purpose.”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch was collected in a wreck after Brad Keselowski made contact with Matt Kenseth, sending Kenseth’s No. 20 into Busch’s No. 41. Busch finished 34th, 14 laps off the pace.

“This means I’ll probably have to win one of the next two races,” Busch said. “That puts me in the same boat with three or four other drivers. And speaking of boats, if Matt Kenseth would have done what he did in a boat, he would be ‘docked.’”

10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr: Earnhardt finished fourth at Martinsville as all four Hendrick Motorsports drivers finished in the top 12, with Jeff Gordon taking the win.

“Am I surprised that Matt Kenseth took out Joey Logano?” Earnhardt said. “Of course not. This is NASCAR, in which most of the races take place on oval tracks. Just take a look at the cars turning laps on those tracks, and you’ll realize it’s easy to see ‘what goes around comes around.’”

November 3, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano led 227 of 334 laps and held off Kevin Harvick down the stretch to claim the Bank Of America 500. With the win, Logano advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

“I knew Harvick was creeping up behind me,” Logano said. “I knew I had to hit my marks to maintain my cushion. I kind of utilized Harvick’s strategy from Dover, because I knew if he got close enough to see my rear end, it would be bad news.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 12th runner-up finish of the year.

“I ‘backed up’ my win in Dover with a second,” Harvick said.

“I am the defending Sprint Cup champion, but that doesn’t mean I’m not extremely motivated to win it again this year. Last year means nothing. In my mind, all evidence of that victory has been destroyed.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Charlotte, the top finisher among Joe Gibbs Racing drivers.

“I dealt with some battery issues,” Hamlin said. “As you know, that comes with the positives and the negatives.

“Matt Kenseth has been JGR’s best driver all year, but he struggled at Charlotte. And, if you remember, he had his issues last year at CMS. So for Matt, nothing is a cinch at Charlotte, except Brad Keselowski’s noggin in a headlock.”

4. Carl Edwards: Edwards took sixth at Charlotte, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin, who finished fourth, in the top 10.

“I bumped Dale Earnhardt Jr. and sent him into the wall,” Edwards said. “Now, my status with Earnhardt fans has been upgraded, from ‘unlikeable’ to ‘hated.’”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Charlotte, scoring his eighth top-five result of the year. He is third in the points standings, seven behind Joey Logano.

“NASCAR did a sorry job of cleaning the track of oil and fluid,” Truex said. “But let’s face it, if anyone’s guilty of pulling a slick one, it’s not the track at Charlotte, but Kevin Harvick at Dover.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth in the Bank Of America 500, posting his 20th top 10 of the year.

“There were a lot of cars making contact with the wall,” Keselowski said. “The wall played as big a factor in the Charlotte race as it did in the Dover race. For further explanation, see Kevin Harvick.”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Charlotte and struggled thereafter, battling tight-handling conditions and hitting the wall three times, the last of which ended his day. He eventually finished 42nd.

“We thought we had the No. 20 Dollar General car set up perfectly for Saturday’s night race,” Kenseth said. “Then rain postponed it until Sunday. So, after a tough day on Sunday, we were a day late and a Dollar General short.

8. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished eighth at Charlotte and has not finished below 14th in the Chase.

“I may be Hendrick Motorsports only hope for the title,” Gordon said. “What’s shocking is that’s a long shot.

9. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt found trouble early at Charlotte, hitting the wall on lap 70 after making contact with Carl Edwards, then hitting it again after running through a patch of fluid on the track.

“Carl Edwards flat out wrecked me,” Earnhardt said. “I promise revenge is coming. It will be swift and just, and will be called ‘E-taliation.’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 20th, his day spoiled by an incident with Kyle Larson that damaged his car.

“I damaged the right front of the M&M’s No. 18 Toyota after colliding with Kyle Larson entering the pits,” Busch said. “You can’t blame me for that—I hit the Target.”

October 13, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Loudon

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took advantage of Kevin Harvick’s fuel misfortune to take the Sylvania 300 at Loudon. The win kept Kenseth atop the points standings and guaranteed his spot in the next round of the Chase.

“Harvick clearly had the best car,” Kenseth said. “To lead 216 of 300 laps and not win? That has to be the ultimate feeling of coming up ‘empty.’”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin backed up his Chicagoland win with a strong second-place finish at New Hampshire, following Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Matt Kenseth across the line.

“These Gibbs cars have speed,” Hamlin said, “and their fuel mileage is so good it borders on the mysterious. With apologies to Kevin Harvick, you could say they’re ‘freaky fast.’

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Loudon and finished fifth as the Joe Gibbs Racing driver took three of the top five positions, including Matt Kenseth’s victory.

“There were no punches to the chest after this race,” Edwards said. “But if Kevin Harvick felt the need to punish someone, he would definitely kick himself.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the Sylvania 300 and now sits third in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“I’m in great position to advance to the next round of the Chase,” Logano said. “There’s only one driver that needs to drive like a maniac at Dover, and that’s Kevin Harvick. But he put himself in this position. Of all people, Harvick should know how to ‘baby’ a gas pedal.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Jimmie rallied from a flat tire, which left him a lap down, to finish a solid sixth at Loudon.

“I went to see Kevin Harvick’s gas tank after the race. Instead of emerging calmly from its hauler, it ‘ran out.’

“Jeff Gordon broke the NASCAR record for consecutive starts. That makes him the sport’s ‘Iron Man,’ but it sure as heck doesn’t make him the most hard-headed.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was penalized for jumping a restart and dropped to 25th before rallying to finish 12th.

“Usually,” Keselowski said, “when somebody says ‘punch it,’ I duck instead of getting on the gas.

“Jumping a restart is something that Matt Kenseth can do and get away with. Apparently, Matt is sneaky. You saw it last year – he attacked me in between our team transporters before I even knew it. And even when Matt punches you, you don’t even know it.”

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt ran out of gas on the final lap and finished 25th at New Hampshire. He is 12th in the points standings, one point ahead of Kyle Busch.

“The race at Dover is an elimination race,” Earnhardt said. “And you can’t spell ‘elimination’ without ‘E Nation.’ Of course, the Chase isn’t a spelling bee. Hopefully, I can maintain my spot of 12th or improve on it. Otherwise, I’ll be like an Earnhardt fan in a spelling bee—I won’t make it out of the first round.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch blew a tire on lap 159 and slammed the wall, leading to a 37th-place finish. He is 13th in the points standings, one point behind Dale Earnhardt Jr. in 12th place.

“I’ve got my work cut out for me,” Busch said. “I’ve been behind the Eight-Ball before, which is usually because there’s a state trooper behind me.”

9. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 10th at Loudon, posting his 14th top-10 of the year. Newman is sixth in the points standings, 25 behind Matt Kenseth.

“I’m the Chase driver no one’s talking about,” Newman said. “That’s because I drive for the team no one’s talking about. That would be Richard Childress Racing. Unless I advance to the next round, RCR will have no chance to win the Cup, so our four teams will figuratively pack it in for the season. That’s when ‘RCR’ becomes ‘RCR & R.’”

10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second in the Sylvania 300 and led 216 of 300 laps, but ran out of gas with three laps remaining, losing the lead and finishing 21st.

“Our calculations said we had plenty of gas to finish the race,” Harvick said. “Am I in serious danger of not advancing to the next round? Well, you do the math, because you’re probably better at it than we are.”

September 29, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered from a loose wheel early in the race before picking his way back into the top 5 at Bristol. But a late pit road speeding penalty cost him a chance at the win, finishing eighth.

“It was still a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “JGR went 1-2-3-4 in qualifying and place three cars in the top 10. That’s quite a stable Joe’s got right now. Take my brother Kyle and myself at our worse, and you’ve got yourself an ‘unstable.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Joey Logano over the final laps at Bristol, but Logano’s No. 22 Penske machine was just too strong. Harvick settled for second, his second-consecutive runner-up finish and 11th of the season.

“We certainly weren’t helped by two pit road speeding penalties,” Harvick said. “At 30 miles per hour, a drive-through penalty is brutal. At that speed, Bristol’s pit road is much like Kyle Petty’s ponytail—long and grey.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano won his second straight Bristol night race, holding off Kevin Harvick over the final laps to win the Irwin Tools Night Race.

“I knew I couldn’t make a mistake with Harvick behind me,” Logano said. “Obviously, this Penske driver reacts a little better from a push from Harvick.”

4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth blew an engine early at Bristol, spoiling an otherwise solid day for Joe Gibbs Racing.

“Did this Toyota engine come from Michael Waltrip Racing?” Kenseth said, “because it just quit on me.”

5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was solid at Bristol, finishing fourth for his first top-five result since a second at Daytona in July.

“With six Sprint Cup championships,” Johnson said, “I obviously have the look of a champion. Now, with the new fragrance ‘Burnt Rubber,’ anyone can smell like a champion. And if you have the nerve to go to the fragrance counter and ask for Burnt Rubber, then you certainly won’t be phased by extreme speeds. Just make sure you ask for ‘Burnt Rubber’ by name, lest you may end up with the Jeremy Mayfield knockoff brand, ‘Speed In A Bottle.’”

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt took advantage of two “Lucky Dog” free passes and recorded a ninth-place finish at Bristol. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 89 out of first.

“Danica Patrick has a new sponsor in Nature’s Bakery,’” Earnhardt said. “Now people can finally say she’s got ‘natural’ talent and actually believe it.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led four laps and finished sixth in the Irwin Tools Night Race as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano captured the win.

“Logano showed a load of maturity holding off Harvick,” Keselowski said. “That gives Joey three wins this season. I have only one. I guess we know who wears the firesuit on this team.”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered from a collection of misfortune at Bristol and finished 28th at Bristol, five laps down.

“They call Bristol Motor Speedway ‘The Last Great Colosseum,’” Truex said. “I guess that means the drivers are gladiators. Instead of fighting to the death, fans in the stands are bored to death.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 74 laps at Bristol and was out front on lap 355 when he suffered a flat tire. He still managed a seventh-place finish, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch in the top 10.

“A flat tire while leading is the very definition of ‘untimely,’” Edwards said. “What is the very definition of ‘timely?’ Leaving Roush Fenway Racing when I did. Jack Roush may be the ‘Cat In The Hat,’ and chances are he owns the ‘Car In The Rear.’”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 14th, one lap down, at Bristol, after damaging his car in an incident with David Ragan.

“What do you expect from a Michael Waltrip Racing driver?” Busch said. “Ragan was driving like there was no tomorrow.

“I guess you’ve heard that MWR released Clint Bowyer from his contract. And I think I’m qualified to announce that Bowyer is not a secret agent, but a free agent.”

August 25, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch kept his hot streak alive with a third-place finish at Watkins Glen, and although he didn’t win, he moved into 30th place in the Sprint Cup points standings.

“We played the finish conservatively,” Busch said. “I took an unnecessary chance last week at Pocono, not to mention one in Iredell County, North Carolina back in 2011. I got busted in both instances.

“This time, we played it safe. Sometimes, you’ve gotta think ‘big picture.’ And I’m always thinking ‘big picture,’ because that’s the only one my ego will fit in.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick ran out of fuel in the final corner at Watkins Glen, handing Joey Logano the win while settling for third.

“Logano overtook a car that was out of fuel,” Harvick said. “That’s called ‘passing gas.’ I tried to wreck Logano as he went by. And, much like my fuel tank, it came up empty.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano passed Kevin Harvick in the final corner after Harvick’s fuel ran out, giving Logano the win in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen.

“I’m just happy to get the win,” Logano said. “Fuel mileage races don’t really tell us who’s best. They do, however, tell us who ‘sucks’ the least.

“I knew I had plenty of fuel to chase Harvick. And I knew if I pressed the issue, I could make him run out. In essence, I put him back in a Richard Childress Racing car, because he slowed to a crawl.”

4. Jimmie Johnson: Despite a late spin caused by Tony Stewart’s blown engine, Johnson salvaged a tenth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 14th top 10 of the year.

“You may have seen me in a commercial for ‘Burnt Rubber,’” Johnson said. “It’s a new fragrance from Sunoco, and it’s left its mark on the cologne industry. Unfortunately, it’s a skid mark. Let’s just be thankful that the latest NASCAR-themed cologne wasn’t called ‘Dick Trickle.’”

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, just missing his 14th top-10 finish of the season.

“It was a tough day for a lot of drivers,” Earnhardt said. “Particularly Tony Stewart. He finished last. Plus, he experienced something that often happen to fans of Junior Nation when they break out their finest china for an important meal—he got ‘served with papers.’”

6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex qualified second and suffered a flat tire with 22 laps to go, ruining what would have been a solid day and settling for a 25th-place finish.

“Some drivers ran out of gas,” Truex said, “while some, like me, ran out of air. Others ran out of talent. Still others had no talent to begin with. The remainder drive for Michael Waltrip Racing.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win at Watkins Glen.

“Joey had luck on his side,” Keselowski said. “My No. 2 Ford did not. Maybe, instead of having ‘Miller Lite’ plastered on the side of my car, we should have had ‘Miller Fortune’ there.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch claimed fifth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, posting his seventh top-5 finish of the year.

“Kevin Harvick clearly had the fastest car on the track,” Busch said. “Then he ran out of fuel. He was more than ‘good,’ he was best….till the last drop.”

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led two laps and finished fourth at Watkins Glen, one of three Joe Gibbs Racing cars in the top 10.

“That’s two consecutive fuel mileage races,” Kenseth said. “I won at Pocono, and was pretty close to winning at Watkins Glen. That really would have established me as a driver who knows how to make a drop of fuel last. I guess I would have been known as the ‘Wizard Of Oz.’”

10. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Watkins Glen, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.

“Did you see Denny Hamlin speeding around the track with his hood up on the No. 11 FedEx Toyota?” Edwards said. “That performance earned Denny the nickname ‘Little Fed Riding Hood.’”

August 11, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch inherited the lead when Joey Logano ran out of gas with three laps to go, but Logano’s misfortune was a harbinger of the same for Busch, whose tank ran dry with one lap to go. Busch finished 21st.

“My fuel tank said ‘E,’” Busch said, “then I said ‘F.’ Who would have thought that my luck and my fuel would have run out at the same time?”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, securing his 14th top 10 of the season.

“Hendrick Motorsports put three cars in the top six,” Johnson said. “Kasey Kahne put one in the pit lane wall. That’s what you call a pit stop.

“Pocono’s ‘Tricky Triangle’ indeed proved to be tricky. However, when you’re talking NASCAR, the triangle is not the geometric shape that first comes to mind. That would be the ‘cylinder.’ My fans know there are eight cylinders in the engine of the No. 48. On the other hand, Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s fans know there are 24 of ’em in a case.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s engine blew on lap 20 of the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, relegating him to his worst result of the year, a 42nd.

“I’m not sure what happened,” Harvick said. “All I know is something went ‘Ke-boom! and the car went ‘Ke-put.’ And out we went in a plume of burning oil and fluids. I was upset, but Tony Stewart was elated. It’s the first time ‘Smoke’s’ had an impact on the Chase all season.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third at Pocono, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars.

“It appears Kyle Busch isn’t invincible after all,” Earnhardt said. “For a while there, he was so dominant it looked like he could win without really trying. It took the end of the race on Sunday for validation that yes, he indeed was ‘coasting.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano was leading with three laps to go when his fuel tank ran dry. Instead of his second win of the season, he was left with a 20th-place finish.

“In retrospect,” Logano said, “the ‘Windows 10 400’ should have been called the ‘Fuel Windows 10 400.’

“Luckily, no one was hurt when Brad Keselowski hit some of his pit crew when he went screaming into his pit stall. Now, you can add three crewmen to the list of people who believe Brad doesn’t know when to stop.”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth grabbed his second win of the year after winning a fuel mileage war at Pocono.

“I can’t say we found a way to win,” Kenseth said. “I would say the way to win found us.

“Out pit strategy played out to perfection and resulted in a day I’ll never forget, and I owe it all to my gas can man. To him, I say ‘Tanks for the memories.’”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran out of fuel with two laps to go, just moments after Joey Logano’s tank went dry while leading. Truex finished 19th and is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

“There were a lot of cars running out of gas at the end of the race,” Truex said. “So many that it bordered on being suspicious. Was it a mysterious conspiratorial ploy by NASCAR to add excitement to an otherwise boring race? If so, it would have to be called ‘Fume-igate.’”

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, surviving as several cars running in the top five dropped out after running out of fuel.

“I ran into a few of my crew members on a pit stop,” Keselowski said. “Here’s the rundown on their health—they’re all okay. There’s video of the incident all over the internet, and it’s become very popular. Rumor has it Hollywood wants to base a movie on it. It will be called ‘Boyz On The Hood.’”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Pocono after an accident on a lap 66 restart sent him to the garage for repairs.

“On the bright side,” Busch said, “I had plenty of gas in my tank at race’s end. If you don’t believe me, just ask my former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. She’ll tell you I’m still full of it.”

10. Carl Edwards: Edwards pitted late for fuel and salvaged a 10th at Pocono, his fifth top-10 result of the year.

“What a great race,” Edwards said. “I guess NASCAR was right—-slowing the cars down does make for more exciting racing.

“Not many drivers had the nerve to come in for gas so late in the race,” Edwards said. “Luckily, we had the guts to do it. As they say, you have to take the plunge before you take the splash.”

August 5, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Daytona as a massive crash developed back in the field as the leaders crossed the finish line. Hendrick teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the race while HMS cohort Jeff Gordon took sixth.

“I don’t think you can necessarily blame anyone for the carnage on the last lap,” Johnson said, “so I don’t think anyone should be punished for it. But Austin Dillon should certainly be ‘grounded.’

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Daytona, but not before making contact with Denny Hamlin, who hit Austin Dillon’s No. 3 and sent it airborne into the fence. Dillon was not hurt, and Harvick remained atop the Sprint Cup points standings.

“Dillon’s No. 3 car went flying in the air,” Harvick said. “I know exactly what it’s like to be a Richard Childress Racing driver and feel like things are ‘up in the air.’ But I knew he’d be okay because I’m an optimist, not a pessimist, and certainly not a nepotist.”

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: After qualifying was rained out, Earnhardt started on the pole at Daytona and won the rain-delayed Coke Zero 400, which ended at well past midnight.

“That race ended at 2:41 on Monday morning,” Earnhardt said, “and it ended with a scary crash that really freaked me out. So, the night ended with an ‘A.M.’ on the clock and a ‘B.M.’ in my pants.

“I’m up to second in the points standings. And my two wins puts me in great position in the Chase For The Cup. But if I don’t win the championship, I’ll be all right. I’m in love with the idea of winning the Sprint Cup title, but I’m not married to it.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: One week after a miserable day at Sonoma, Truex was collected in a crash triggered by Kasey Kahne that left Truex with a 38th-place finish.

“My accident was nothing compared to the last-lap incident,” Truex said. “That was frightening. You’ve heard of ‘three-wide’ racing. Austin Dillon went ‘three-high.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano, who won the Daytona 500 in February to open the season, finished 22nd despite falling four laps down early in the race.

“It was a grueling day at Daytona,” Logano said. “The race didn’t go green until 11:42 Sunday night and ended at 2:41 Monday morning. So, like most NASCAR races, fans were asleep by the end.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch, seeking his third win of the season, brought home a fifth-place finish in the Coke Zero 400, the culmination of a crash-filled weekend at Daytona International Speedway.

“Brad Keselowski wrecked my brother Kyle in Friday’s practice,” Busch said. “And NBC, back covering NASCAR, was there to broadcast it. They’re proud as a peacock while Keselowski is still a chicken.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s No. 2 Alliance Truck parts Ford was damaged in a mid-race pileup that eventually left him with a 29th-place finish in the Coke Zero 400. He is now seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 136 out of first.

“It was a tough day for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “Both Joey Logano and I found our fair share of trouble on the track, plus we didn’t have the speed anyway to match the Hendrick cars. On the plus side, it’s a good time not to be considered ‘race-ist.’”

8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 23rd at Daytona while Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin spun across the finish line in third after contact sent Austin Dillon’s car rocketing over three lanes of traffic in a spectacular final lap crash.

“Dillon went airborne and slammed into the catchfence,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards knows exactly what it feels like to be Dillon, because Carl’s never won a championship either.

“Daytona offered a ‘flag exchange in which you could turn in your Confederate flag for an American flag. It’s just too bad Alan Kulwicki can’t be there to provide a ‘Pole.’”

9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 15th at Daytona and moved up one spot in the points standings to sixth, 130 out of first.

“Thank goodness everyone’s okay following that huge last-lap crash,” McMurray said. “As it was, the race itself was the only thing that was ‘in morning.’”

10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished sixth in the Coke Zero 400 on a strong day for Hendrick Motorsports, as teammates Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson finished 1-2, respectively.

“What a great race by Dale and Jimmie,” Gordon said. “I’m proud to call those guys my teammates. I can also call them business partners, associates and friends. Heck, I could even call them my confederates. Now, all that remains to be seen is what will fly longer, the Confederate flag, or our race cars themselves.”

July 7, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was damaged when he went three-wide early in the Quicken Loans 400. The consequences cost Johnson track position and he eventually finished 19th after battling his way back for the remainder of the race.

“You heard right,” Johnson said. “I went three-wide. That’s something the average NASCAR fan can’t relate to. But they can come close because the average NASCAR fan can certainly relate to going ‘double-wide.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 63 laps at Michigan, but his day was derailed by tire troubles that left him with a 29th-place finish, his worst result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 15 over Martin Truex Jr.

“Hey,” Harvick said, “finishing 29th isn’t all that bad. ‘29’ was my car number at Richard Childress Racing. And finishing 29th reminded me why I left RCR in the first place.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took third in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 of the year. He trails Kevin Harvick by 15 in the points standings.

“Rain interrupted Sunday’s race four times,” Truex said. “In fact, there were so many water ‘breaks,’ it reminded me of pregnant NASCAR wives.”

4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second at Michigan, tops among Hendrick Motorsports drivers. He is fourth in the points standings, 68 out of first.

“The No. 88 Chevy was sponsored by Amp Energy’s new ‘Passion Fruit’ flavor,” Earnhardt said. “I’m not sure that flavor appeals to the good people of Junior Nation. If there’s a fruit they’re passionate about, it better be in the form of schnapps.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano placed fifth in the Quicken Loan 400, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year.

“How did Kurt Busch pull out the win?” Logano said. “The rain came at precisely the right moment. And all this time I thought he was trying to get the dark cloud away from him.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fifth, in the top 10.

“Logano won at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and I won at California. And Penske hasn’t won since. You could say we’re just ‘coasting.’”

7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took fourth at Michigan, scoring his sixth top-five result of the season.

“My son, Ross, got his first win in the ARCA racing series on Friday night,” Kenseth said. “Obviously, talent runs in the family. There are a lot of drivers who’ll argue that I’m the only thing that ‘runs’ in the family.”

8. Kurt Busch: Kurt Busch won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, taking the lead when Kyle Larson was forced to pit for fuel. A downpour ensued, and Busch had his second win of the year.

“I won today,” Busch said. “That means I have a checkered present to go along with my checkered past.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Michigan after starting 13th on the grid.

“Congratulations to Kurt Busch,” Hamlin said. “After two wins this season, he must feel vindicated. Especially now that the feds are investigating his former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. Apparently, her most covert operation may have been her accounting.”

10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, scoring his third consecutive seventh-place finish.

“I feel for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “He deserved the win, but the rain, or lack thereof, cost him. If the weather were as predictable as racing itself, Larson would have had the win.”

June 16, 2015
Richard Childress Racing Plans to Build on 2014’s Successes

Charlotte, NC – Richard Childress Racing will come back with the same drivers in 2015. Sprint Cup runner up Ryan Newman in the No. 31 Chevrolet, Paul Menard in the No. 27 Chevrolet, and Austin Dillon in the No. 3 Chevrolet. Newman said the second place season almost didn’t happen.

“There was a point right around May when we got caught looking in the wrong direction and just were behind,” Newman said during the fourth and final day of this year’s Charlotte Motor Speedway Media Tour.

“They did an awesome job of continually stepping up, bringing better and more competitive pieces to the race track. Everyone at RCR stepped up. It was an awesome thing to be a part of.”

Nothing has changed on his team, so Newman is looking to make the No. 31 even better. Last year was the first year in four that he didn’t win a race.

“No reason for it not to,” said Newman. “Even though there were no (wins) in the win column, we achieved some amazing things for a first-year organization, no reason we can’t keep that incline going.”

The potential for success, he said, was there from the beginning, “but I didn’t think it would explode the way it did.

“I think we all saw gunpowder laying on the floor, but we didn’t know who was going to light it, when it was going to light and how much of it was going to go off. I think every bit of it went off, and then some.”

Austin Dillon went through his rookie year with some success and some disappointments, but thinks he will use the experience to have a better sophomore season. Battling side-by-side with Kyle Larson for the rookie title all season, he came up short, but no one could say he didn’t have a successful rookie season.

“There’s a lot of pressure any time you move to a new series,” said Dillon, who immediately backed off the naysayers by winning the Coors Light Pole Award ahead of the 2014 Daytona 500. “Having the 3, there’s so many fans behind it and it was a great year to go through. Nothing crazy happened. This year, I think we’ve got to start getting crazy. We’ve got to start making things happen.

“When I say that, we need to be in the Chase; we need to be part of the chaos at the end of the year. I want to put more pressure on (myself) and you can more focus on the competition side of things. People know how we approached that first year; I think we did it right. Now it’s time to make fire and go fast.”

The 24-year-old is also scheduled to run 20 XFINITY Series races in 2015, which he believes will help him figure out the ins-and-outs of his Cup ride. The new technical package for Sprint Cup cars in 2015 is much more closely aligned with NASCAR’s second series than in years past.

There’s a lot for Dillon to build on for 2015 and a Chase for the NASCAR Sprint Cup berth is not out of the question. With the initial attention around the No. 3 car’s return now mostly a thing of the past, it should allow the RCR driver to stay steady throughout the year and keep his head down.

“The good thing is, we had a decent year last year, but when you can find places to improve, and you know where those are, you should be able to take those and make them better,” Dillon said. “I think that’s what I’ve been able to do the last couple of years when we go from say, rookie year in Trucks or (XFINITY), then second year and you win a championship.”

“I’m not saying we’re going to go out there and win a championship, but that’s our goal. I think we can, and what Ryan and Luke (Lambert, No. 31 crew chief) were able to do, I think me and Gil want to accomplish that, have a shot at the end of the year.”

RCR owner Richard Childress announced that Wix Filters had re-upped with the organization and Grainger will join the No. 31 Chevrolet with Ryan Newman.

January 30, 2015
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano spun on lap 303 at Texas and lost ground, but recovered to finish 12th. He is tied for the lead in the points standings with Denny Hamlin.

“I may be the Chase’s youngest driver,” Logano said, “but I can still set a good example for some of the veterans. I mean, I would never go after another driver—I’d just let my dad do it.

“Was the post-race melee real, or was it staged? It looked fishy. I kind of expected Ashton Kutcher to appear and tell Brad Keselowski and Jeff Gordon that they had just been on MTV’s prank show ‘Punch’d.’”

2. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led 49 laps and was poised to take the win before Clint Bowyer spun to bring out a caution with five laps to go. On the ensuing restart, Gordon was squeezed by Brad Keselowski, which punctured a rear tire on the No. 24. Gordon eventually finished 29th and is fourth in the points standings.

“I’d like to apologize for my characterization of Keselowski,” Gordon said. “But only for its accuracy.

“My quest for title number five took a hit. I’ll be extremely disappointed if I don’t get it, especially with a lot of big name drivers ineligible. My car is sponsored by the ‘Drive To End Hunger;’ I just don’t want the final race of the season to be a ‘drive to end hungry.’”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Texas and now leads the Sprint Cup points standings, thanks to a shake-up in the final laps at Texas.

“They say everything is bigger in Texas,” Hamlin said. “Apparently, that includes expletives utterted on the air.

“Now, I’ll do anything at Phoenix to make sure I advance to the final round. Like some other drivers, I’ll gladly fight my way into the Championship round.”

4. Ryan Newman: Newman finished 15th in the AAA Texas 500 and is now third in the points standings, two points behind Joey Logano and Denny Hamlin.

“I just need to hold my position and I’m on to the next round,” Newman said. “Basically, that means I need to steer clear of the No. 2 car. I’ve got plenty of experience with that, because when Rusty Wallace was in that car, I avoided him like the plague.

“I don’t know all the ins and outs of clinching scenarios for Phoenix. My goal is to go out and win. I may have an engineering degree, but someone else can do the math.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards posted a ninth in the AAA Texas 500, earning his 13th top-10 of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, one behind fourth place.

“What a scene after the race,” Edwards said. “That’s two fights in the last three races. I can’t wait to see what happens at Phoenix. They say the track there is an oval; I say it looks more like a ‘squared circle.’”

6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth started on the pole at Texas and finished 25th, a finish which severely damaged his hopes to advance. He is fifth in the points standings, one point behind Jeff Gordon in fourth.

“I’ve only got Kevin Harvick after me,” Kenseth said. “That’s nothing compared to Brad Keselowski. There’s a lot a drivers that want to get in his face. I truly think Brad needs another spotter at Phoenix. By ‘another spotter,’ I mean ‘eyes in the back of his head.’”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started 26th at Texas and finished third in the AAA Texas 500. On the races penultimate restart, Keselowski forced his way between Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon. Contact punctured Gordon’s tire, and Keselowski also raised the ire of Kevin Harvick.

“Depending on who you ask,” Keselowski said, “I’m either on a reign of terror or a reign of error.

“But I won’t change how I race. I’m still going to do things my way, so don’t get in my way. Right now, I’m just focused on Phoenix International Raceway. You could say I have a ‘one track mind.’”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second in the AAA Texas 500, placing himself in solid position to advance to the Chase For The Cup’s next round. Afterwards, Harvick was in the middle of a melee involving Jeff Gordon and Brad Keselowski.

“I pushed Keselowski right into the middle of it,” Harvick said. “It may have been the most literal example of the saying, ‘When push comes to shove.’

“Don’t tell anyone, but my push was a crafty ploy to create a feud between Keselowski and Gordon, two drivers who just happen to be the ones I’m battling for a spot in the Chase’s final round. Jimmy John’s is ‘freaky fast; ’ I’m ‘sneaky fast.’”

9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished sixth in the AAA Texas 500 as Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson won the race.

“Formula 1 raced in Austin on Sunday,” Earnhardt said. “But their race couldn’t hold a candle to what happened at the NASCAR event. To Formula 1, we all say ‘Stay classy.’ To NASCAR, Formula 1 says the same thing, but with an open cockpit full of sarcasm.

“There were more cheap shots at Texas than on dollar night at Whisky River. Only one thing could have made that Texas fracas better—if Dr. Jerry Punch could have handled post-race interviews.”

10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson held off Brad Keselowski and Kevin Harvick to win his third consecutive Texas fall race.

“That’s two straight wins for Hendrick Motorsports drivers in the Eliminator round,” Johnson said. “Apparently, we’re trying to ‘eliminate’ Jeff Gordon from any chance of winning his fifth Cup.”

November 4, 2014