Tag: Ryan Blaney

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second in the Foxwoods Resort Casino 301 and finished eighth, despite a brush with the wall in the final stage.

“I’ve had lots of experience with walls,” Busch said. “So have people who tried to interview me when I was a young punk.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at New Hampshire and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by three over Kyle Busch.

“I was just happy to get through the race without suffering from heat exhaustion,” Logano said. “Who’s not at risk of suffering from ‘heat’ exhaustion? NASCAR fans, that’s who. There is not ‘heat,’ also known as ‘rivalries,’ between drivers. And don’t tell me Clint Bowyer vs. Ryan Newman is a feud. It’s not. Newman has a notoriously hard head, and he was wearing a helmet, so he still doesn’t believe that Bowyer actually punched him.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the Foxwoods Resorts Casino 301.

“It was the hottest race ever in New Hampshire,” Truex said. “And it sucked. Some of the younger drivers said it was ‘hot AF.’ I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m fairly sure it’s the exact opposite of ‘Cold AC.’”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Denny Hamlin on the final turn to win at New Hampshire, his second consecutive win at the ‘Magic Mile’ and first victory since Texas in November.

“Finally!” Harvick said. “I’ve got a win. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. This freedom must feel like what mini-Kevin Harvick feels like when he strips down to his boxers and a T-shirt.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin wrecked in Friday practice and almost took the victory at New Hampshire in a backup car, finishing second to Kevin Harvick.

“Wrecks in practice are a sure-fire way to ruin a weekend,” Hamlin said. “Just ask my crew.

“But what about that weather? It was hot. It hovered around 100 degrees, and inside the car, it was even worse. I think Fed Ex should take advantage of this in a promotional sense and offer a new delivery package called the hot box’ for discreet deliveries.”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 18th at New Hampshire.

“The Kevin Harvick-Denny Hamlin duel at the end had a lot in common with me and my brother Kyle’s battle at Kentucky,” Busch said. “The biggest similarity is that in both cases, the drivers involved really do not like each other.”

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished 10th.

“It’s good that Stewart-Haas Racing finally has a win,” Keselowski said. “With one word, Kevin Harvick silenced his critics and gave a shout out to one of his sponsors. He said, ‘Bu-schhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered from mechanical issues and finished 29th at New Hampshire.

“It was a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Elliot said. “We didn’t even have a car finish in the top 10. Plus we went through way too many cars. But I trust this organization’s resiliency. So, trust me when I say we’ll be ‘back up‘ next week.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted his sixth top five of the year with a fourth at New Hampshire.

“Some guy named Andy Suess made his Cup debut in the No. 51 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Larson said. “And no, he does not drive for ‘The Cat In The Hat’ Jack Roush.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the points standings.

“What a drive by Kevin Harvick,” Almirola said. “He faced a huge amount of pressure from Denny Hamlin, yet Harvick remained calm and held him off. Considering the weather, Kevin picked the perfect day to have ‘ice water in his veins.’”

July 22, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Chicagoland

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished ninth in the CampingWorld 400.

“We just couldn’t get the handling right,” Truex said. “And it’s not like we didn’t attempt several changes and combinations. We went with the ‘Tim Richmond formula because we ‘tried everything.’”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Chicagoland and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“Thunderstorms caused a lengthy delay after just 11 laps were completed,” Logano said. “Should NASCAR have simply just delayed the start of the race? Logic would suggest they should have, but since when has NASCAR taken any suggestions, much less from logic?”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled with handling at Chicagoland and came home 22nd, one lap down, in the CampingWorld 400.

“The handling was one thing,” Busch said, “but I also had to deal with a smoke-filled cockpit due to burning rubber. Luckily, I didn’t inhale. There are, however, lots of people who would love to see me ‘in hell.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Chicagoland.

“How about the ‘Kroger Helmet Cam?’” Keselowski said. “It’s a great feature. It gives fans a bird’s-eye view of what a driver sees. It’s too bad Ryan Newman wasn’t wearing it at the All-Star Race back in May. That way, fans could have seen what a totally harmless Clint Bowyer punch looks like.”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 11th at Chicagoland.

“We had a disastrous pit stop after Stage 2,” Elliott said. “The tire changer’s hose got stuck under the car. It’s one thing to ‘pimp’ your hose, it’s another thing entirely to ‘crimp’ your hose. Of course, we never want that to happen again. So we’ve made sure all crew members understand they have to keep their hoses in check.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stage 2 and led the most laps at Chicagoland, but still came up short of winning with a 14th-place result.

“I slapped the wall on Lap 172,” Harvick said. “I got loose, and there went any chance I had of breaking my season-long winless streak. It’s at 18 races. But don’t be surprised if the wall comes into play again, because, at this point, I’m so frustrated, I’d drive through a concrete wall for a win.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 and finished 15th at Chicagoland.

“This may have been NASCAR’s most exciting race so far this year,” Hamlin said. “I’m not sure what the exact numbers were, but I’m guessing Sunday’s rating, in true Chicago fashion, absolutely murdered those of previous races.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman held off Kyle Larson to win at Chicagoland, picking up his first Monster Energy Cup series win.

“I got my car stuck in the grass after my celebratory burn out,” Bowman said. “I forget it had rained cats and dogs earlier. Needless to say, I’ve been ‘swamped’ with ridicule.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Chicagoland, posting his third consecutive top-10 finish.

“The race started about three hours later due to storms,” Blaney said. “It was a long and boring wait for the fans. But don’t knock weather delays. Often, they can be more exciting than the race. But not this race. This race was very exciting. It had everything: exciting restarts, four-wide racing, and passes for the lead. But its most positive attribute was what it lacked—Darrell Waltrip.”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th in the CampingWorld 400.

“Word is the 2021 NASCAR schedule will be shorter than 2019,” Busch said. “So, it’s apparently true what stock car old-schoolers have been saying for a long time: ‘NASCAR is less ‘event-ful’ than it used to be.”

July 1, 2019

Martin Truex Jr. Holds Off Kyle Busch to Win Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Sonoma

SONOMA, Calif. ⁠— In a technical caution-free race, Martin Truex Jr holds off Kyle Busch in the closing laps to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Sonoma Raceway in the NASCAR Monster Energy Cup Series.

“What a season we’ve turned this into,” Truex said in Victory Lane after tying Kyle Busch with the most victories in the current season. “This group, they’re unbelievable. Hopefully we can keep this going.”

Truex claimed his third career victory at the California road course, second in a row and the first with the returning Carrousel. The race was caution-free besides the stage ending yellow flags.

“With the Carousel, the big left-hand corner, it really changed things up,” he explained not knowing exactly how the weekend was going to go for the No. 19 Toyota team. “Took a while to figure that out in practice. But luckily, we were able to just make the right tweaks. I had confidence that when the track got hot and slick on the long runs, we had what we needed.

“Just a matter if we had enough speed to get there, and we did today.”

Truex didn’t place in the top 10 in Stage 1 with the varying pit strategies. Many teams elected to come to pit road before the two-to-go mark, signifying the close of pit road. Roughly the top 15 positions could pit without going a lap down, and when some leaders came down pit road, that gave more openings deeper in the pack to come down pit road. He placed seventh in Stage 2.

Kyle Busch closes the gap on teammate and leader Truex after front end damage from contact with Ryan Blaney. Photo courtesy of Patrick Sue-Chan for Speedway Media.

With 20 laps to go, Kyle Busch had a different strategy in mind by manipulating the cycle to have fresher tires on the final run. At times, he ran a full second faster than his Joe Gibbs Racing teammate, but fell 1.861 seconds short of the win.

“Yeah, any time I had to lean on the left rear, I just didn’t have the drive that I needed,” Busch said. “Actually tried to hold on to it, trying to save it. I knew that was going to be our problem — that had been our problem all day long. You get closer, you’re like, ‘OK, I can get him, I better go, pounce on him fast, so then he doesn’t have the time to pick up the pace.’

“But it didn’t work. He was obviously saving a lot. I knew he was going to be saving a lot, have enough to be able to most likely hold us off. I was right. I still tried everything I could to get there and ran real hard. Sucks to finish second to a teammate, but it’s good for the company. Overall Martin is really, really good here. I’m just pumped that I actually ran good here.”

Ryan Blaney was the top finishing Ford in third, and Matt DiBenedetto fights for his best career finish of fourth. Stage 2 winner, Denny Hamlin, rounds out the top five. Kevin Harvick, Ryan Newman, Erik Jones, Aric Almirola and pole sitter Kyle Larson finish in the top 10. Larson now holds three consecutive poles as the home track native, and claimed his best career finish.

Other notables across the field include Daniel Hemric, Austin Dillon and Ryan Preece who all ran toward the front of the NASCAR K&N Pro West Series race. They finished 15th, 24th and 29th respectively. William Byron led all of Stage 1, including winning the first stage, but finished in the 19th position. Saturday night’s NASCAR Gander Outdoors Truck Series winner Ross Chastaine made the overnight flight to start today’s race and finished 33rd. Chase Elliott was battling for a top five position, but a loss of oil pressure eliminated him after 60 laps, finishing 37th. Cody Ware pulled into the garage during the final stage, where he was treated in the infield care center for carbon monoxide poisoning. He was released after treatments.

The NASCAR Monster Energy Cup Series will compete next at Chicagoland Speedway on June 30.

Fin	St	#	Driver	Sponsor / Owner	Car	Laps	Status
1	8	19	Martin Truex, Jr.	Bass Pro Shops (Joe Gibbs)	Toyota	90	running
2	7	18	Kyle Busch	M&M’s Hazelnut (Joe Gibbs)	Toyota	90	running
3	9	12	Ryan Blaney	PPG (Roger Penske)	Ford	90	running
4	19	95	Matt DiBenedetto	Procore Thanks DW Throwback (Leavine Family Racing)	Toyota	90	running
5	6	11	Denny Hamlin	FedEx Ground (Joe Gibbs)	Toyota	90	running
6	23	4	Kevin Harvick	Mobil 1 (Stewart Haas Racing)	Ford	90	running
7	21	6	Ryan Newman	Wyndham Rewards (Jack Roush)	Ford	90	running
8	32	20	Erik Jones	Craftsman (Joe Gibbs)	Toyota	90	running
9	15	10	Aric Almirola	Smithfield (Stewart Haas Racing)	Ford	90	running
10	1	42	Kyle Larson	Credit One Bank (Chip Ganassi)	Chevrolet	90	running
11	14	14	Clint Bowyer	Rush Truck Centers (Stewart Haas Racing)	Ford	90	running
12	11	48	Jimmie Johnson	Ally (Rick Hendrick)	Chevrolet	90	running
13	16	1	Kurt Busch	Monster Energy (Chip Ganassi)	Chevrolet	90	running
14	12	88	Alex Bowman	Axalta (Rick Hendrick)	Chevrolet	90	running
15	25	8	Daniel Hemric	Poppy Bank (Richard Childress)	Chevrolet	90	running
16	10	37	Chris Buescher	Hellmann’s (JTG-Daugherty Racing)	Chevrolet	90	running
17	5	41	Daniel Suarez	Ruckus (Stewart Haas Racing)	Ford	90	running
18	22	2	Brad Keselowski	America’s Tire (Roger Penske)	Ford	90	running
19	2	24	William Byron	Hertz (Rick Hendrick)	Chevrolet	90	running
20	18	38	David Ragan	#ThanksDW (Bob Jenkins)	Ford	90	running
21	17	17	Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.	Roush Performance / Thanks DW (Jack Roush)	Ford	90	running
22	24	21	Paul Menard	Menards / Richmond (Wood Brothers)	Ford	90	running
23	3	22	Joey Logano	Shell / Pennzoil (Roger Penske)	Ford	90	running
24	26	3	Austin Dillon	Dow Coatings (Richard Childress)	Chevrolet	90	running
25	13	34	Michael McDowell	Love’s Travel Stops (Bob Jenkins)	Ford	89	running
26	30	43	Bubba Wallace	World Wide Technology (Richard Petty Motorsports)	Chevrolet	89	running
27	31	13	Ty Dillon	GEICO Military (Germain Racing)	Chevrolet	89	running
28	28	36	Matt Tifft	Acquire Investments (Bob Jenkins)	Ford	89	running
29	20	47	Ryan Preece	Kroger (JTG-Daugherty Racing)	Chevrolet	89	running
30	29	96	Parker Kligerman	TRD 40th Anniversary (Gaunt Brothers)	Toyota	89	running
31	35	00	Landon Cassill	Share (StarCom Racing)	Chevrolet	89	running
32	27	32	Corey LaJoie	GMN (Archie St. Hilaire)	Ford	89	running
33	37	15	Ross Chastain	Low-T Centers (Jay Robinson)	Chevrolet	89	running
34	33	77	Justin Haley	Formula One Imports (Spire Motorsports)	Chevrolet	88	running
35	38	27	Reed Sorenson	VIPRacingExperience.com (Jay Robinson)	Chevrolet	88	running
36	34	52	Cody Ware	SBC Contractors (Rick Ware)	Chevrolet	64	fatigue
37	4	9	Chase Elliott	NAPA Auto Parts (Rick Hendrick)	Chevrolet	60	engine
38	36	51	J.J. Yeley	Jacob Companies (Rick Ware)	Ford	53	fuel pump

June 23, 2019

NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole and survived an overtime restart to win at Michigan, giving Penske Racing its fifth win of the season.

“That’s five wins for Penske,” Logano said. “Joe Gibbs Racing has nine. The rest of the field has one. That should be very alarming to NASCAR. It may be the ultimate in competition cautions.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the FireKeepers Casino 400 and is now second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, nine points behind Joey Logano.

“My brother Kurt almost got the win,” Busch said. “But alas, he finished second, which, interestingly enough, is better than he finishes when our parents rank their children, and they only have two kids.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win after starting on pole.

“It was a great day for Ford Motor Company in its place of origin,” Keselowski said. “Six of the top nine cars were Fords. I was lucky enough to dine with the Ford family on Thursday night. They, like me, will tell you that nothing beats ‘home cooking.’”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third in The FireKeepers Casino 400 after Joey Logano pulled away on a late restart to get the win.

“I feel like Logano jumped the restart,” Truex said. “By the letter of the rule book, NASCAR officials should have penalized Logano and taken the win from him. That’s not unusual. You saw it in the Canadian Grand Prix. Sebastian Vettel finished first on the track, but a controversial penalty dropped him to second, and left him fuming. Vettel wnnt from ‘F1 to FU.’”

5. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home 20th at Michigan, his worst finish of the season.

“Sunday was rained out,” Elliott said. “And we didn’t start on Sunday until 5 p.m. because Fox wanted to televise women’s World Cup soccer. It’s just further proof that NASCAR will always lose out to some sort of football. Ironically, in soccer, people complain because there’s too much passing.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started third and finished seventh at Michigan, and remained winless on the season.

“I’m very frustrated with my lack of wins,” Harvick said. “It’s hard for me to verbally express my dissatisfaction, so I’ll do so with the No. 4 car sponsored exclusively by Busch beer. It’s ‘total Busch-it.’”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took 11th in the FireKeepers Casino 400.

“We all love driving in races sponsored by casinos,” Hamlin said. “Little known fact: drivers gamble on more than just fuel mileage. Poker is the game of choice for most drivers. We take that to the next level by playing during races. ‘How can you drive, shift, and hold your cards?,’ some may ask. Well, with the help of the ‘HANDS Device,’ of course.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch chased Joey Logano to the end at Michigan, but couldn’t manage to make the pass and settled for the runner-up sport.

“Several drivers tossed a football with fans during the rain delay,” Busch said. “I’m not the most athletic guy, so I didn’t participate. Heck, my last interaction with ‘pigskin’ was when I met with a back-alley plastic surgeon who suggested hog ear cartilage for reconstructive surgery.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth at Michigan, scoring his first top-10 result since a fourth at Bristol in April.

“Former NASCAR CEO Brian France pleaded guilty to driving while intoxicated,” Blaney said. “His grandfather Bill is a member of the NASCAR Hall Of Fame; now Brian can finally say he got ‘busted,’ as well.”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 10th at Michigan, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.

“HMS used to win championships,” Bowman said, “much less races. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. HMS used to be the preeminent race team. Now, it seems Hendrick has entered the ‘post-eminent’ stage.”

June 11, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 10th at Talladega to keep his streak of top-10 finishes alive. His streak now stands at 10.

“Mine wasn’t the only ‘streaking’ going on a Talladega,” Busch said. “There was the ‘Miss Nude Talladega Infield” contest staged on Saturday night. That’s right, I said ‘Saturday night.’ Sure, it was dark, so the contestants were judged by headlights.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano led 37 laps and finished fourth in the Geico 500.

“I thought I had the race won,” Logano said. “But then Chase Elliott and two other Chevrolets got by me. In the end, Chevy finished 1-2-3 and finally looked like a contender. So, not only did Chevy win and place, but they finally showedup.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was involved in a Lap 11 wreck in the Geico 500 and the ensuing damage eventually ruined his day, forcing him to the garage on lap 80.

“I blame Bubba Wallace for the wreck,” Hamlin said. “He basically ruined any chance I had. Much of the talk at Talladega was of ‘spoiler height.’ Well, my ‘spoiler height’ was 5′ 10,” because that’s how tall Bubba is.”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott grabbed the lead after a restart with four laps to go and held on to win the Geico 500, which ended under caution. Elliott led a 1-2-3 finish for Chevy as Hendrick teammate Alex Bowman took second, followed by Ryan Preece in third.

“I also led Hendrick to a 1-2-3 finish in Stage 2,” Elliott said. “Up until Talladega, Hendrick Motorsports looked downright incompetent. I doubt competitors thought we could count 1-2-3, much less finish 1-2-3.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered damage in an accident with seven laps to go and finished a disappointing 20th at Talladega.

“One minute,” Truex said, “I’m looking at a sure top-10 finish. The next minute, I’m spinning. Fortunes change in a split second, much like NASCAR’s explanations for when and when not to throw a caution flag.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home 13th at Talladega, while Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano finished fourth.

“I’m very surprised NASCAR officials didn’t throw a caution when Ricky Stenhouse Jr. spun and slammed the wall on the final lap,” Keselowski said. “Stenhouse hasn’t felt less important since Danica Patrick dumped him.”

7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was knocked out early at Talladega, exiting on Lap 11 from damage sustained when contact between Ryan Blaney and Bubba Wallace triggered a wreck. Harvick finished 38th.

“It was a tough start to the race for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Harvick said. “Right off the bat, Ryan Blaney got bumped, and the next thing you know, SHR teammate, Clint Bowyer, slammed into me. It was downhill from there. I looked at my No. 4 Ford with the flannel paint scheme and said to myself, ‘I see a pattern here.’”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch posted a strong sixth-place finish at Talladega.

“It’s always unpredictable at Talladega,” Busch said. “And I’m talking about what goes on in the infield. Jeremy Mayfield once opined that there’s more ‘speed’ in the infield than on the track.”

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola battled back from an early pit road speeding penalty to post a solid ninth in the Geico 500 at Talladega.

“Congratulations to Chase Elliott,” Almirola said, “and to people who dine at Hooters. Since Chase won, you can get 15 wings and a pitcher of beer or Mountain Dew for just $15. It’s an actual instance of ‘Winner, winner, chicken dinner.’ And, it would feed a NASCAR family of one.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney survived early trouble at Talladega and finished 15th in the Geico 500.

“Stewart-Haas Racing is still winless for the season,” Blaney said. “Word around the campfire is that Joe Gibbs Racing and Penske Racing are calling our 200,000 square foot in Kannapolis, NC the ‘Inferiority Complex.’”

April 30, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 101 laps at Richmond and posted an eighth-place finish, his ninth top 10 of the season.

“It’s good to see Martin Truex Jr. get the win,” Busch said. “That’s three of four Joe Gibbs Racing drivers with at least one win this season. Now, if Erik Jones could get a win, it would further extend JGR dominance. All our rival teams know they need to keep up with the Joneses, but let’s face it, the Jones needs to keep up with the Busch’s, Hamlin’s, and Truex’s.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin failed pre-race inspection twice and was relegated to the rear of the field at the start. Despite that, he finished fifth, his sixth top five of the season.

“I was one of eight drivers whose cars failed inspection,” Hamlin said. “For NASCAR viewers who decry the lack of passing, it doesn’t get any better in qualifying either.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano stalked Martin Truex Jr. over the closing laps at Richmond, but didn’t have enough for the pass and settled for second.

“It didn’t help that my Penske teammate Brad Keselowski held me up earlier,” Logano said. “It was a case of ‘(Get out of) my way or the highway.’”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex held off Clint Bowyer and Joey Logano down the stretch to win at Richmond, capturing his first short track win.

“That’s six wins for Joe Gibbs Racing already this year,” Truex said. “And six for Toyotas. The race was called the ‘Toyota Owners 400,’ and Joe Gibbs can verify that it’s good to own Toyotas.”

5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the Toyota Owners 400, joining Stewart-Haas Racing teammate and third place finisher Clint Bowyer in the top five.

“SHR has yet to visit Victory Lane,” Harvick said. “And we’re spoiling for a win. Which is surprising, because I’ve always heard that ‘to the victor go the spoils.’ As to the reasons we haven’t been able to win, well, I’m lost.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh at Richmond and is now fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 87 out of first.

“We have a week off for the Easter holiday,” Keselowski said. “And it’s the best time of year for drivers to thank the man upstairs. For me, that would be my spotter, Coleman Pressley.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th in the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond.

“On Twitter, NASCAR described the Richmond race as a ‘classic,’” Busch said. “It was most certainly not. Sure, the race will ‘go down in history.’ And when I say ‘down,’ I mean way down on the list of memorable races.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott started at the rear of the field after failing pre-race inspection, but battled back to post a solid 15th at Richmond.

“My teammate Jimmie Johnson raced in the Boston Marathon on Monday,” Elliott said. “Jimmie may never win that elusive eighth Cup championship, but he accomplished a feat that I’m sure no other driver has—he lost to a Kenyan.”

9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer chased race leader Martin Truex Jr. over the final 40 laps at Richmond, but wasn’t able to make the pass. Bowyer settled for third, his fourth consecutive top-10 finish.

“I was hoping to force Martin into an unintentional mistake at Richmond,” Bowyer said, “or better yet, an intentional mistake, like a spin. After all, he doesowe me.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney struggled with handling issues at Richmond and settled for a 25th-place finish.

“I didn’t even feel like I was driving the car,” Blaney said. “I felt like it was driving me. And it drove me places I care not to go, like ‘crazy,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘up a wall.’”

April 15, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch outpaced big brother Kurt on the final restart at Bristol and took the win in the Food City 500.

“We both gambled by staying out on the final caution,” Busch said. “We’re from Las Vegas, so gambling is in our blood. By the way, I’m their ‘favorite son.’ And when I say ‘their,’ I’m referring to Las Vegas, and our parents.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Bristol as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch won for the third time this season.

“Between Kyle and me,” Hamlin said, “we’ve got five wins this year. So, for JGR, Kyle and I are carrying our weight. Our teammates, Erik Jones and Daniel Suarez, they’re carrying our jock straps.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano and Penske teammate Brad Keselowski were set to battle for the win at Bristol until a late caution changed their fortunes. Both opted to pit for tires, while Kyle Busch and Kurt Busch stayed out. Kyle Busch won the race; Logano finished third.

“It sucks to lose,” Logano. “And trust me, I hate losing to the Busch brothers, but not nearly as much as I hate being outsmarted by them.”

4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick had to start at the back of the field after failing inspection three times, but salvaged a 13th at Bristol. He is third in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 33 out of first.

“I finished 13th in qualifying,” Harvick said. “And three failed inspections say I finished first in ‘dis-qualifying.’”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was penalized late at Bristol for failing to line up properly on a restart, and finished 18th, spoiling what easily could have been a top five finish.

“That’s what NASCAR calls ‘putting me in my place,’” Keselowski said.

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 17th at Bristol, one lap down, and is now seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“We didn’t have a car capable of winning,” Truex said. “Of course, I wasn’t too pleased with the car and its setup. At the ‘Bull Ring,’ it was a case of ‘running of the b.s.‘”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished second to younger brother Kyle at Bristol after Kyle nailed the final restart.

“I should have wrecked Kyle and taken the win,” Busch said. “But Kyle got a great jump on the restart and I couldn’t catch him. In other words, he beat me to the punch, as opposed to some other drivers, who have beaten me with a punch.”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Bristol and posted an 11th-place finish.

“I received a free pass midway through the race,” Elliott said, “despite the fact that I was involved in the spin that caused the caution. That clearly goes against what’s written in the NASCAR rule book. At this point, who knowswhat’s written in the NASCAR rule book? What is known is that it’s written in pencil.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led a race-high 158 laps at Bristol and finished fourth, his fourth top five of the season.

“I had a spirited battle with Ryan Newman late in the race,” Blaney said. “There was a lot of contact. Luckily, we were able to laugh about it afterwards. Which is amazing in itself, because Newman is hardly ever in ‘good humor.’”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished seventh in the Food City 500.

“Darrell Waltrip is retiring from the FOX broadcast booth at the end of the season,” Bowyer said. “It’s gonna be sad to see DW go, and we all plan to send him off with a show of respect. So, Boogity! Boogity! Let’s go embracing boys!”

April 8, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: After claiming Trucks and Xfinity series wins at Texas, Busch failed to complete the sweep, finishing a disappointing 10th. Busch still leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings, holding an eight point lead over Denny Hamlin.

“I didn’t ‘sweep’ the weekend,” Busch said, “but I did ‘brush’ the wall. Now, I’m ‘bristling’ at my failure to complete the sweep.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin overcame two penalties and stormed back to win the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500 at Texas, scoring his second win of the season.

“Winning in Texas is always special,” Hamlin said. “That is, until you get to Victory Lane, where they hand you two guns, leaving you feeling just like everyone else in Texas.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Texas and now sits third in the points standings, 33 out of first.

“I’m still winless on the year,” Harvick said. “I’m desperate for a win. My sponsor obligations stipulate that I say the same thing with different words. Jimmy Johns says I’m ‘hungry’ for a win, while Busch Beer says I’m ‘thirsty’ for victory.”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered his worst result of the year with a 36th at Texas, his efforts ruined by a mechanical issue early in the race that sent his No. 2 Ford Mustang to the garage for lengthy repairs.

“Something in the back of the car just broke,” Keselowski said. “And that was it for my chances of winning. It’s a case of getting ‘rear-ended’ without another car being involved.”

5. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished seventh at Texas as Stewart-Haas Racing placed all four cars in the top 10.

“Stewart-Haas Racing placed all four cars in the top 10,” Almirola said. “That’s also known as going ‘4 for 4.’ It sounds great, until you shed light on our most glaring statistic: SHR is 0-7 in the wins department.”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th at Texas, while Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski finished 36th after suffering a mechanical failure.

“I won Stage 1,” Logano said, “then it was downhill from there. Brad had two back axles malfunction, and my car’s hood was loose and wavering in the wind. It could have easily blown completely off. It’s the least excited I’ve ever been to talk about ‘rear end’ and going ‘topless.’”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 12th in Texas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin captured the win.

“Let’s give it up for Jimmie Johnson,” Truex said. “He won the pole at Texas, and finished fifth. Jimmie’s either rounding into his old championship form, or he’s just an old former champion.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch took ninth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500, posting his fifth top 10 of the season.

“NASCAR legend Rusty Wallace gave the command to ‘Start your engines,’” Busch said. “As you would expect, Ryan Newman refused to start his engine, because he absolutely refuses to take any commands from Wallace.”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 45 early laps before mechanical issues sent him to the garage. He finished 37th, 109 off the lead lap.

“A part broke,” Blaney said, “causing all the water to leak out of the car. It left me feeling drained.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer scored the runner-up spot in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500,

“And that was after starting 25th,” Bowyer said. “Which just proves that qualifying means absolutely nothing in NASCAR. As you saw at Fontana, sometimes we do absolutely nothing in qualifying.”

April 1, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started 14th and finished third at Martinsville, posting his fifth top five of the season.

“I won the Trucks Series race on Saturday,” Busch said. “And speaking of the Trucks Series, a fellow named Myatt Snider’s truck is sponsored by Tax Slayer. Tax Slayer would have been better off with their name on a Cup car on Sunday, with a message to all race ticket holders that said, ‘You all deserve a refund.’”

2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at Martinsville, leading 446 of 500 laps to win the STP 500.

“That’s three wins by the Ford Mustang this year,” Keselowski said, “all by Penske Racing. Toyota has won the other three races. Chevrolets are winless, and that’s sad, because Chevys are as American as apple pie. And, while you candrive one to the levee, you currently can’t drive one to Victory Lane.”

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth in the STP 500 at Martinsville, posting his third top five of the season.

“Martinsville has the best trophy in auto racing,” Hamlin said. “It’s a grandfather clock. In this age of cell phones, it’s nice to see a timepiece with a little antiquity. I think all fans should spend an afternoon watching a grandfather clock operate. Only then could they truly appreciate Sunday’s race.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Martinsville and finished 19th.

“Brad Keselowski and Chase Elliott were the class of the field,” Logano said. “The other 34 drivers were relegated to spectators, which sucked, because this race was awful for spectators.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth in the STP 500 and is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“We had SiriusXM sponsorship on our Toyota Camry at Martinsville,” Truex said. “That’s a partnership that had been in the works for quite some time. So, not only could you see it coming, you could hear it coming as well.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished sixth at Martinsville.

“I’m winless so far this season,” Harvick said, “but I’ve got five top-10 finishes already. So I feel like I’m making progress in each race toward finally achieving victory. That’s why my nickname is Kevin ‘The Closer And Closer’ Harvick.”

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola started second and finished ninth at Martinsville.

“Danica Patrick will be a studio analyst for NBC during the Indianapolis 500 in May,” Almirola said. “Word is her chances of winning the race are just as good as when she was driving.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 12th at Martinsville.

“For those expecting to see bumping and banging at Martinsville,” Busch said, “well, they were sadly disappointed. The only paint being traded at Martinsville on Sunday was between unlicensed tattoo artists in the campground.”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 49 laps, but was no match for Brad Keselowski, who routed the field at Martinsville. Elliott settled for the runner-up spot.

“That was Hendrick Motorsports’ first top five this year,” Elliott said. “It’s not the ideal result, but, at this point, we’ll gladly take any victory, even if it’s simply a moral one.”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took fourth at Martinsville and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup standings, 70 out of first.

“Brad Keselowski won the race easily,” Blaney said. “He dominated in a way not seen in a long time. He ate the field for lunch like it was a Martinsville hot dog. In other words, true to the Keselowski heritage, Brad ‘Polish-ed’ them off.”

March 25, 2019
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch overcame a pit road speeding penalty to capture the Auto Club 500 at Fontana, scoring his 200th NASCAR victory to tie Richard Petty.

“This day couldn’t have gone any better for me,” Busch said. “First, Mötley Crüe gave the ‘Start your engines’ command. Then, I won the race. And my fans were even more excited. If you’re a Kyle Busch fan, then I’m your ‘Dr. Feelgood.’”

2. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Fontana and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 15 behind Kyle Busch.

“Kyle blew by Brad Keselowski and I like we weren’t even moving,” Logano said. “And Roger Penske is not happy, because his company is all about‘ moving.’”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home eighth at Fontana and is seventh in the points standings, 68 out of first.

“Kyle Busch’s first Cup win came at California,” Truex said, “and now his 200th NASCAR win took place in the state. Let’s not forget the other 198 winssandwiched between those two. I know Jimmie Spencer won’t, because he just heard ‘sandwich.’”

4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Fontana.

“It’s always tough to watch Kyle Busch win,” Keselowski said. “But let’s face it—Petty’s 200 wins all came in the Cup series. Kyle needed three series to equal the King’s feat. So, Kyle Busch will have an ‘ass‘-terisk beside that record.”

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led some early laps at Fontana and posted a solid seventh at Fontana.

“Fans were booing us at qualifying,” Hamlin said. “But NASCAR shouldn’t be too concerned. Why? Because fans were at qualifying.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second and finished fourth in the Auto Club 500.

“My car co-owner Tony Stewart is a nominee for the NASCAR Hall Of Fame,” Harvick said. “I doubt induction really means that much to Tony, mostly because he only gets to punch a ticket, and not Kurt Busch’s face.”

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola continued his strong start to the season with a ninth at Fontana.

“Our West Coast swing is over,” Almirola said. “Now it’s time for racing at Martinsville, where an ‘East coast swing’ means a driver you bumped and wrecked on Martinsville’s half-mile track just tried to punch you.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Auto Club 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the season.

“Congratulations to my little brother Kyle for tying Richard Petty’s record of 200 wins,” Busch said. “I guess that makes Kyle ‘King’ for a day. And the Busch family must be royalty, because many people have labeled me ‘queen for life.’”

9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 12th in the Auto Club 500 and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“The members of Mötley Crüe served as grand marshals for the race,” Larson said. “The Crüe, more than anyone, wants to see a female driver prosper in NASCAR, mostly because they love a little ‘heroine.’”

10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took fifth at Fontana and is now 10th in the points standings.

“Tony Stewart is nominated for the Hall Of Fame,” Blaney said. “In the same week, Mötley Crüe are grand marshals at Fontana. If there’s a song that encapsulates all of that, it’s ‘Smoke In The Boys’ Room.’”

March 18, 2019