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  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stages 1 and 2 and led 108 laps on his way to a dominant win in the Consumers Energy 400 at Michigan.

    “The No. 4 Ford was super-fast,” Harvick said. “And, with Busch Light beer sponsoring the car, it was a case of ‘drinking and driving’ that turned out well.”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Michigan and finished third, his second consecutive third-place finish and 17th top five of the season.

    “I still have the lead in the Monster Energy Cup points standings,” Busch said. “So, if the question is who’s on top in the points, much as in the case of Brian France, you can charge me with ‘possession.’”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home 14th in the Consumers Energy 400.

    “I was so close to winning at Watkins Glen,” Truex said. “Then I come crashing back down to earth with a disappointing 14th at Michigan. Talk about a sobering experience.”

    4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Consumers Energy 400, posting his 14th top-10 result of the year.

    “Did you see Ty Dillon run over a chunk of debris on Lap 134?” Busch said. “And this was no small piece of debris. I’m surprised NASCAR officials missed it. Of course, they’ve been known to see debris that actually isn’t there. So, the fact that the didn’t see something that was clearly visible is no surprise. Apparently, much like Brian France, they were ‘blinded.’”

    5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Michigan as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick claimed a dominant victory.

    “Kevin is driving like a champ,” Bowyer said. “It’s like he’s from another planet. Let me clarify: if the subject is a 2018 Monster Energy Cup championship celebration party for Kevin, you can go ahead and ‘planet.’”

    6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Michigan as Kevin Harvick drove away for an easy victory.

    “Harvick’s son Keelan picked up the checkered flag,” Keselowski said. “Then he hitched a ride with his dad to Victory Lane. Of course, it’s not like Keelan could drive there himself. It just goes to show that even a six-year-old knows when to call a designated driver.”

    7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Michigan.

    “I pitted on the pace lap to replace a shock absorber,” Logano said. “And anytime you pit on the pace lap for a shock, you know it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson, always strong at Michigan, finished 17th in the Consumers Energy 400.

    “Kevin Harvick totally dominated this race,” Larson said. “He won every stage of the race handily. For fans of the sport, it was incredibly boring. It was so boring, it could drive a man to drink. And in some case, the drinking comes before the driving.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Michigan and finished eighth.

    “The Playoff field of 16 will be set in a few weeks,” Hamlin said. “And just seconds after that, we’ll be able to identify the 13 drivers that have zero chance of winning the Cup. There’s the ‘Big 3,’ and then there’s the ‘Little 13.’”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started 21st and finished ninth at Michigan.

    “I’m still on a high from the events of last week at Watkins Glen,” Elliott said. “Just to be clear, that’s not a quote from Brian France.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Dover

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Dover and passed Chase Elliott with two laps to go to win at Dover.

    “I stood for the American flag,” Busch said, “but I was sitting for the checkered flag.

    “Unfortunately, my brother Kurt didn’t advance to the next round of the Chase. Kurt won the Daytona 500 in February. Since then, he’s done mostly nothing, which is the same as saying he hasn’t done much of anything.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at Dover and finished fourth, and is still the leader in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “The championship is turning into a two-man battle between me and Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “I think we should just put our two Toyotas side-by-side and force Brad Keselowski to pick a winner.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 2 and finished fifth in the Apache Warrior 400 at Dover, posting his 14th top five of the year.

    “There’s been a lot of talk lately about standing for the national anthem,” Larson said. “To stand or not to stand, that is the question. But this is NASCAR, the ‘stands’ that really should be a concern are the ones that hold the fans.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won the first stage and finished 10th at Dover.

    “I said it before and I’ll say it again,” Keselowski said. “I support your civil rights 100 percent. If you want to stand for the national anthem, I support your desire to do so. If you’re afraid not to for fear of having your ass kicked, I support your right to feel fear.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin broke an axle and finished 35th in the Apache Warrior 400.

    “And speaking of things that ‘crack under pressure,’” Hamlin said, “Chase Elliott should have won that race.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 138 laps at Dover, but couldn’t close the deal as Kyle Busch passed him with two laps to go to steal the win.

    “I think I may be coming down with a case of the flu,” Elliott said. “Or maybe I’m feeling a bit ‘run down.’

    “Kyle may be the favorite to win the Monster Energy Cup. He looms large in the championship picture, much as he did in my rear-view mirror.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished third at Dover and is now fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 42 behind Martin Truex Jr.

    “Chase Elliott almost had his first career win, ” Johnson said. “I know he must be disappointed. He was this close to victory, and by ‘this’ I mean the length of a two-inch piece of tape.”

    8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth came home 11th at Dover, just missing his 15th top 10 of the year.

    “Did Ryan Newman keep Chase Elliott from winning?” Kenseth said. “Of course not. Newman’s never prevented anyone from winning anything of consequence, except himself.”

    9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th at Dover, with his shot at a stronger finish hindered by an unscheduled pit stop.

    “There was very little, if any, sitting for the national anthem,” Harvick said. “I think that goes to show that NASCAR is the most ‘All-American’ sport there is. The red, white, and blue are important to NASCAR, especially the white.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished ninth at Dover, recording his 15th top 10 of the year, and advanced to the next round of the Chase For The Cup.

    “I think all major sports had an increased amount of attention on the national anthem,” McMurray said. “But only in NASCAR was the playing of the anthem more exciting than the event itself.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 21st at Bristol, his first finish outside the top six since a 33rd at Indianapolis.

    “What a run by my Furniture Row Racing teammate Erik Jones,” Truex said. “He almost won the race. Now, there were a lot of drivers pulling for Erik not to win the race. We call them ‘losers,’ or, in the case of Joey Logano, ‘encumbered losers.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race on Saturday night to complete the Bristol sweep after winning the Camping World Truck race on Wednesday and the XFINITY Series race on Friday.

    “I celebrated with a broom atop my car,” Busch said. “That cleaning implement comes in handy when you win all three races at a track, but the broom is especially handy when you need to sweep my bratty behavior under the rug.”

    3. Kyle Larson: Larson led 70 laps and finished ninth at Bristol.

    “Kyle Busch was pretty much unstoppable,” Larson said. “You could say he was on a mission. On the contrary, when Kyle acts up and his sponsor threatens to pull their support, Kyle handles that by going on a ‘mission to Mars.’”

    4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth in the Food City 500

    “Kyle Busch swept all three NASCAR series races at Bristol,” Harvick said. “That means you heard his name mentioned continuously throughout our time here in Bristol. It probably sounded like this: ‘Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’ Consider that my least favorite sponsor promo.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Bristol, posting his ninth top-five of the season.

    “Kyle Busch just dominated the week at Bristol,” Hamlin said. “But the fans at Bristol weren’t too receptive of his success. Some of the fans were even booing him. That’s shocking, because I know Kyle, and all of those fans should be booing.”

    6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth battled for the win at Bristol before eventually finishing fourth.

    “Luckily for me,” Kenseth said, “Erik Jones didn’t win the race. You know, Erik is taking over the No. 20 car next year. Frankly, I’m stunned. But it could be worse. When someone tells you you’re being replaced by a 21-year-old, I’d much rather it be a car owner than a wife.”

    7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Bristol and is now 11th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “Luckily,” Johnson said, “my three wins guarantee me a spot in the Chase For The Cup. That makes me a lock for the Chase. My seven championships make me a virtual lock for the Cup title. And all my opponents know that me winning is a virtual reality.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 29th at Bristol.

    “I’m shutting down my Camping World trucks team after this season,” Keselowski said. “Kyle Busch can have his broom; I have an axe.”

    9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Bristol.

    “I’m currently holding on to the 16th and final playoff spot,” McMurray said. “Ideally, I’d want my standing to be a little more secure. But I guess I can’t complain. McDonald’s may be loving it; I’m just liking it.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 19th at Bristol and sits 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I thought it was cool that the Bristol fans spelled out ‘Thank You Dale Jr’ with cards before the race,” Bowyer said. “It’s clear evidence that NASCAR fans can spell.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex held off Matt Kenseth to win the I Love New York 355 At The Glen, earning his fourth win of the season. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 16 over Kyle Busch.

    “We were able to conserve enough fuel to pull out the win,” Truex said. “In doing so, we had to let some cars pass us for the lead. That wasn’t easy. It’s hard for someone payed to go fast to let up off the gas pedal for any reason. But it’s also just another example of how I win with ‘ease.’”

    2. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Watkins Glen, his third straight pole, and finished a disappointing seventh.

    “I was basically ran off the track by Brad Keselowski at the Bus Stop chicane on lap 45,” Busch said. “It was clearly Brad’s fault and I was furious. Chalk it up to another chapter in the Busch-Keselowski rivalry. With so many chapters, there should be a book. And that makes sense, because as today’s NASCAR feuds go, it’s all words and no action.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th in the I Love New York 355.

    “I was involved in a pit road wreck with Brett Moffitt,” Harvick said. “I’m not sure what Brett Moffitt was doing on pit road, much less on pit road in a race car.”

    4. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 23rd at Watkins Glen and has finished 23rd or worse in his last three races.

    “I was docked 30 minutes of practice at Watkins Glen for doing a burnout after a lug nut inspection at Pocono,” Larson said. “That was just me venting my frustration at being subjected to another inspection. I find inspections ‘de-grading,’ especially since I don’t pass them.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Watkins Glen despite having to go to the rear at the start due to a brake issue that arose during qualifying.

    “I guess we pulled one out of my backside,” Hamlin said. “And on a similar note, doctors will soon pull one out of my wife’s front side.”

    6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 29th at Watkins Glen.

    “Kasey Kahne won’t return to Hendrick Motorsports in 2018,” Johnson said. “That’s kind of surprising coming after his win at Indianapolis, which many thought would be a vital bargaining chip for an extension. Unfortunately, it seems in contract negotiations, Mighty Kasey struck out.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led with three laps to go at Watkins Glen and finished 15th as Martin Truex, Jr. took the win.

    “If my fuel gauge could speak,” Keselowski said, “it would have said ‘E.’ Since I can speak, I said ‘F.’ In addition, I had a run-in with Kyle Busch halfway through the race. As you would expect, Kyle’s going to give me ‘H.’”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 14th at Watkins Glen.

    “Kyle Busch and Brad Keselowski are at it again,” McMurray said. “They had another incident on the track, and now everybody’s wondering if retaliation is in the future. This thing could come to a head soon. Usually, when something ‘comes to a head’ and a Busch brother is involved, the thing ‘coming to a head’ is someone’s fist to Kurt’s.”

    9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the runner-up spot at Watkins Glen to Martin Truex, Jr. as Toyota’s capture the top 4 spots. Kenseth currently holds the final Chase For The Cup playoff spot over Clint Bowyer.

    “Joe Gibbs Racing put four cars in the top 7,” Kenseth said. “That says a lot about Japanese automakers. They’ve been telling us they can make the quickest cars. When people say the Japanese talk fast, they’re not kidding.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home fifth at Watkins Glen to keep his chances for making the Chase For The Cup alive. He faces a 28-point deficit to Matt Kenseth for the current final playoff spot.

    “I have plenty of time,” Bowyer said. “As the saying goes, ‘It ain’t over until the hefty Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan in the tube top and Daisy Dukes standing atop the Port-A-Potty in the infield sings.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kentucky

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 152 of 274 laps at Kentucky and easily handled a late restart to win the Quaker State 400.

    “I dominated that race from start to finish,” Truex said. “I won Stage 1 and Stage 2, then completed the day with the victory. Total domination. I whipped the field, which makes me a ‘domina-Truex.’”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson started at the back of the field and charged to the runner-up finish.

    “NASCAR says I passed 90 cars on the night,” Larson said. “That’s a lot of passing. I doubt 90 of anything has been passed in this sport unless you’re talking about Tony Stewart and gas, or Darrell Waltrip and kidney stones.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the Quaker State 400, scoring his 11th top-10 result of the year.

    “Nothing against Quaker State,” Harvick said, “but I’m sponsored by Mobil 1. And I’m also sponsored by Busch beer. Mobil 1 makes sure my car is well-oiled. Busch beer makes sure my fans are well-oiled.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Kentucky and came home with a fifth-place finish in the Quaker State 400.

    “Here’s an interesting story,” Busch said. “Greg Biffle’s ex-wife alleges in a lawsuit he had a Roush Fenway Racing employee install cameras in her house without her knowledge, and that Biffle shared the footage with others. In other words, Greg had his ‘peeps’ do it for him. Has he responded to the lawsuit? Nope, not a peep from him.”

    5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s night at Kentucky Speedway ended early when he was collected when Brad Keselowski got loose on lap 88. Johnson finished last.

    “I certainly don’t like being last,” Johnson said, “unless it’s at NASCAR’s year-end awards ceremony. Another place I’m last? As an icon in this sport, because I’ve made a ‘last-ing’ impression.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Kentucky, recording his sixth top five of the year and is fifth in the Monster Energy points standings.

    “It was a good finish,” Elliott said, “but I’m still disappointed. I’m looking for my first victory. On the bright side, I didn’t offend anyone by cursing over the radio. So I’ll happily settle for the moral victory.”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski got loose on the first lap of the second stage and finished 39th at Kentucky, equalling his worst finish of the year.

    “I was very critical of NASCAR’s car design,” Keselowski said. “And I tweeted as much on Twitter. So, if NASCAR wants to know who says they suck, I guess a little bird told them.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Kentucky.

    “The track at Kentucky Speedway was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “And the fresh pavement didn’t provide a wide enough groove for side-by-side racing. And that made for a boring race. The only racing seen was fans ‘racing’ to the exits.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth in the Quaker State 400 as Joe Gibbs Racing cars went 4-5-6.

    “That’s right,” Hamlin said. “Matt Kenseth was the only JGR driver not to finish in the top 10. And, since Matt is likely not to be back with JGR next season, you could say he’s the odd man out. Because Matt is odd.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer survived contact with Brad Keselowski early at Kentucky and salvaged a 13th in the Quaker State 400.

    “The state of Kentucky is world-renowned for its bourbon,” Bowyer said. “You’ve got Jim Beam, Elijah Craig, and Evan Williams, just to name a few. ‘Clint Bowyer’ would be a perfect name for a new brand of bourbon. I think it would be the finest bourbon in the land. Now, I may be hyping it just because it has my name on, but that wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of intentionally ‘spinning.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson started from the pole, his fourth of the year, but struggled at Sonoma on his way to a 26th at the California road course.

    “Much is said of the elevation changes on Sonoma’s 2.52-mile road course,” Larson said. “I would tend to agree, especially after starting on the pole and finishing 26th. Because apparently, it was all downhill.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 and won the first stage before a late engine failure ended his day at Sonoma. He finished 37th and dropped out of the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “I could tell something was wrong with the car,” Truex said. “It just didn’t sound right. Unlike Ryan Newman, I don’t need a college degree in ‘engine-ear-ing‘ to be able to detect a sour engine with my ears.”

    3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took charge late at Sonoma to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350, taking his first win of 2017 and first road course win of his Cup career.

    “I had a whopping nine second lead before the race ended under caution,” Harvick said. “That’s certainly not what NASCAR was hoping for. They wanted it ‘closer;’ instead, they got the ‘Closer.’

    And speaking of ‘nine seconds,’ I had about that many runner-up finishes last season.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 13th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, and is seventh in the points standings, 176 behind Kyle Larson.

    “Chad Knaus had his laptop stolen recently,” Johnson said. “That laptop had his race notes for the race at Sonoma, and we needed those to maximize our performance. So, that made for a very ‘hard drive’ on Sunday.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Sonoma, posting his eighth top-five finish of the season. He is sixth in the points standings, 164 out of first.

    “I’m being mentioned as the most likely replacement for Dale Earnhardt Jr. at Hendrick Motorsports,” Keselowski said. “If Penske Racing wants to keep me, then they should pay me what I’m worth. If not, then I’ll be sure to make the move to Hendrick with my belongings in a Penske moving truck.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Still in search of his first win this season, Busch finished fifth at Sonoma, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin, who finished fourth, in the top five.

    “I’m certainly disappointed,” Busch said. “I’m arguably the most talented driver in NASCAR, yet I don’t have a single win this season. There are 11 drivers with wins this season, and I’m not one of them. So, where victories are concerned, my record, much like my complexion, pales in comparison.”

    7. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his ninth top 10 of the year with an eighth at Sonoma. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings but has yet to capture a win this season.

    “Alon Day became the first Israeli driver to start a race at NASCAR’s highest level,” Elliott said. “That’s great to see. Now, all he needs is a beer sponsor. If there’s not already a low-calorie beer named ‘Israel Lite,’ there needs to be.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray started second at Sonoma alongside Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson and raced to a 10th-place finish in the Monster Energy Cup series first road course race of the season.

    “If you’ve ever raced at Sonoma,” McMurray said, “you understand the importance of monitoring your brakes. Brake wear is basically a common thread across all forms of racing. In fact, if you’re a fan of Formula 1, you are no doubt familiar with the impact of ‘brake checking.’”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350 after a late charge at Sonoma.

    “Former teammate Carl Edwards says he doesn’t miss racing and has no plans to end his retirement,” Hamlin said. “I think that’s smart on Carl’s part. I’m sure if he returned, he would end up retiring once again. Then we could call Carl the ‘cousin twice removed.’”

    10. Joey Logano: Logano finished 12th at Sonoma and is now 10th in the points standings.

    “Kevin Harvick and Kyle Larson were both born in California,” Logano said. “So both the race winner and pole sitter were very motivated to do well in their home state. Well, the driver known as ‘Sliced Bread’ made a name for himself in the great state of Connecticut. You could say I was born and ‘bread’ there.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Kansas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth in the GoBowling.com 400, posting his seventh top 10 of the season. He leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 44 over Martin Truex Jr.

    “That was quite a fiery crash involving Joey Logano, Danica Patrick, and Aric Almirola,” Larson said. “My prayers are with Aric, but mostly with Danica, because according to her interview, she’s the real victim.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 104 laps and pulled away on the final restart to win the GoBowling.com 400 at Kansas.

    “My car was super on restarts,” Truex said. “In a race that took place in the heart of the Great Plains, you would expect a lot of people to get ‘dusted.’

    “We were untouchable. No one behind us had a chance. Anytime there was a restart, the No. 78 Toyota told everyone else to say ‘hello’ to ‘goodbye.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski recovered from falling two laps down to take the runner-up spot at Kansas.

    “I probably did more passing on the track than anyone else,” Keselowski said. “In fact, it was easy. As a driver for Penske Racing, it’s ‘passing’ off the track that isn’t so easy. Just look at our inspection record.”

    4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was headed for a likely top-10 finish before a spin with four laps remaining relegated him to a 24th at Kansas.

    “I had a number of problems,” Johnson said. “One was a penalty for driving through too many pit stalls. Another was making contact with Kurt Busch. That’s never a good thing. I should have remembered the advice once given to me about Kurt long ago: ‘It’s best to steer clear of Kurt Busch, on the track and in life.’ That’s sage advice, and I’m not sure who it came from, a fellow driver, or one of Kurt’s former girlfriends.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott found trouble early at Kansas when he rammed into Michael McDowell’s No. 95 as Elliott was leaving pit road. Elliott’s No. 24 car suffered significant damage and he limped home to a 29th-place finish.

    “It was totally my fault,” Elliott said. “Had I used my rear-view mirror, I’m sure I could have avoided the accident. Me not using my mirror? Well, that reflects badly on me.”

    6. Joey Logano: A brake failure with 67 laps to go caused Logano to veer into the path of Danica Patrick and both slammed the wall, and both were then smacked by Aric Almirola’s sliding No. 43. Logano finished 37th.

    “There was nothing I could do,” Logano said. “Thus, we were all unlucky. But I was the unluckiest because I had to ride in the back of an ambulance with Danica. That’s the last place I want to be. Can you blame me, though? Apparently, Danica can. If blame were wins, she’d be undefeated.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started eighth and finished third at Kansas, posting his fourth top five of the season.

    “I really had to work hard for that third place finish,” Harvick said. “You could say I gave it my all. That’s not quite how it is when I film commercials. You certainly don’t get all of Kevin Harvick; heck, you’re lucky if you get three inches of Kevin Harvick. Some people say that three inches of Kevin Harvick is still a good day.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished eighth at Kansas, recording his seventh top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

    “That was a scary crash involving Joey Logano, Danica Patrick, and Aric Almirola,” McMurray said. “It sounded and looked like Patrick thought Logano was at fault. In fact, she threw a ‘guilty party’ in his honor.”

    9. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: One week after winning at Talladega, Stenhouse finished 11th at Kansas.

    “My girlfriend Danica Patrick took a big hit in her wreck,” Stenhouse said. “She’s okay because she’s one tough cookie. Luckily, she doesn’t have a concussion. That’s due in part to NASCAR’s stringent safety procedures, but due mostly to the fact that she has the hardest head in this sport.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took ninth in the GoBowling.com 400 at Kansas.

    “NASCAR told Carl Long he couldn’t have a marijuana vape shop sponsor on his car,” Bowyer said. “That sponsorship went up in smoke. I can’t believe NASCAR could be so uptight. I’ve always said, you can’t spell ‘NASCAR’ without ‘NARC.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Texas, his fourth runner-up of the season, and remains the Monster Energy Cup points leader.

    “Given a few more laps,” Larson said, “I think I could have caught Jimmie Johnson for the win. Given a few more lifetimes, I think I could have caught him in the number of Cup championships won.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Texas, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

    “We definitely had the car to better that eighth-place finish,” Truex said, “so I’m disappointed. If I had it to do over, I think we could have pulled out the win. So, talk about ‘resurfacing’ all you like; it’s the thought of ‘re-finishing‘ that intrigues me.”

    3. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his fifth top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Texas, and remained second in the points standings, 17 behind Kyle Larson,

    “Winds were gusting up to 25 miles per hour,” Elliott said, “which means they were faster than Jeffrey Earnhardt.”

    4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 400 at Texas, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year.

    “Only at Texas does the winner get to put on a cowboy hat and fire a set of replica six-shooters,” Keselowski said. “Jimmie Johnson had that honor on Sunday. It’s certainly not the first time for JJ; he’s won seven times at Texas. And, judging by Jimmie’s dehydration issue after the race, I’m guessing he went to the bathroom and shot even more blanks.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano led late at Texas but couldn’t hold off a charging Jimmie Johnson, who took the lead with 16 laps to go. Logano finished second and is fifth in the points standings, 72 out of first.

    “Much like a Kyle Busch punch,” Logano said, “Jimmie went by me like I wasn’t even there.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the first and second stage in the O[Reilly Auto Parts 400, but faded to a 12th place finish.

    “My last pit stop cost me,” Blaney said. “I overshot my pit stall and that blew my chance of winning. Obviously, my crew assumes I’ll hit my marks perfectly when I pit. I didn’t, and that’s been the story of my year because I’ve been ‘exceeding expectations’ all season.”

    7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Texas and finished fourth, posting his first top five of the season.

    “I’ve never won at Texas,” Harvick said. “I seem to be cursed at that track. Heck, as one of NASCAR’s least-liked drivers, I believed I’m ‘cursed’ at every track.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch came home with a disappointing 15th at Texas, ending a streak of three consecutive top-10 finishes.

    “Ozzy Osbourne visited my pit box during the race,” Busch said. “If Ozzy is the ‘Prince Of Darkness,’ my complexion says I’m the ‘Prince Of Lightness.’”

    9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started from the very rear at Texas and passed Joey Logano with 17 laps to go, then cruised to his first win of the season.

    “After a slow start to our season,” Johnson said, “it’s great to finally get a win. But I’m not satisfied. I’m hungry for more, but not as thirsty as I was for fluids after the race. My car’s fluid delivery system malfunctioned, so I needed three bags of intravenous fluids. It’s certainly not the first case of a ‘three-bagger’ making an appearance in a NASCAR infield.”

    10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Texas, joining Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson in the top 10.

    “The Texas Motor Speedway track was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “So, race-winner Jimmie Johnson picked the perfect time to ‘resurface.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski passed Kyle Busch with 43 laps and cruised to the win at Martinsville, earning his first win at the Virginia short track.

    “This was my first win at Martinsville,” Keselowski said. “I’m pleased to get my first grandfather clock trophy because it’s about ‘time.’

    “And speaking of ‘time,’ Paul Wolfe is not yet serving time for his suspension for a failed inspection incurred at Phoenix. And we all know what appealing a suspension for which you are clearly guilty is: ‘buying time.’”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 17th at Martinsville, snapping his streak of four consecutive races in the top 2. He remains the leader in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, four points ahead of Chase Elliott in second.

    “Two of the youngest drivers lead the points standings,” Larson said. “Some of the veterans like to joke that Chase and I are still in diapers. That’s funny and all, but everyone in NASCAR knows that the thing most akin to diapers in this sport is the points format, because, apparently, it ‘needs changing’ all the time.”

    3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Martinsville and eventually finished 16th at Martinsville.

    “I like the added intensity that stage racing brings to NASCAR,” Truex said. “It’s answered some questions that have long been asked in racing circles, like ‘Can the 80th lap of a race be just as exciting as the final lap?’ Or, ‘Could Kyle Busch’s fuse be shorter?’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third in the STP 500 at Martinsville, posting his third top five of the season.

    “Martinsville is the shortest track on the NASCAR circuit,” Elliott said. “It’s only ½-mile around. Some NASCAR fans call it a ‘paperclip;’ others call it a ‘waistline.’”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano took fourth at Martinsville, posting his third top-five result of the year. He is fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 61 points out of first.

    “Matt Kenseth finished ninth,” Logano said. “So, as was the case back in November of 2015, my day ended with Kenseth behind me.”

    6. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Martinsville after leading a race-high 274 laps. He is sixth in the points standings, 80 out of first.

    “I lost a lengthy battle for the lead with Brad Keselowski,” Busch said. “I blame a faulty set of tires for my failure. I’m very irritated. Not just at those tires, but also at Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Joey Logano, M&M’s that melt in my hand, and life in general. In other words, ‘Everything is grating.’”

    7. Ryan Newman: Newman finished eighth at Martinsville and is 11th in the points standings.

    “Just for the record,” Newman said, “Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse Jr. did not get engaged. Ricky must be the one holding up things because anyone who’s pissed off Danica knows she’s not afraid to ‘engage’ with anyone.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled to a 20th-place finish at Martinsville and has yet to post a top-five finish this season.

    “We struggled all day,” Harvick said. “The No. 4 Jimmy Johns Chevrolet was just slow. How slow, you may ask? Well, we were so slow, in honor of our performance, you can walk into any Jimmy Johns, order a sub, and pick it up for free the following day.”

    9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer scored his second straight top-10 finish with a seventh in the STP 500. He is eighth in the points standings, 94 out of first.

    “I think Tony Stewart is proud of my efforts as of late,” Bowyer said. “And I’m proud to be the guy that was given the opportunity to take over the No. 14 car. But let’s face it, I’ll never be able to truly fill Tony’s seat without 30-40 more pounds in my rear end. In the words of Tony’s long-time lead mechanic, also known as ‘Sir Fixalot,’ ‘Tony’s got back.’”

    10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 25th at Martinsville, posting his worst finish of the season. However, he is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 89 behind Kyle Larson.

    “I’m still pleased with my performance so far,” Blaney said. “If you would have told anyone before the season that Ryan Blaney would be seventh in the standings after Martinsville, they would have said ‘Who’s Ryan Blaney?’ And I would have told them, ‘I’m Dave Blaney’s son.’ And they would have said, ‘Who’s Dave Blaney?’ And that makes the Blaney’s a veritable ‘Who’s who?’ of stock car racing.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: California

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson survived four late restarts and pulled away for the win at Fontana, finally snatching a win after three consecutive runner-up finishes.

    “It’s frustrating building a huge lead,” Larson said, “only to have it wiped out by a caution flag. Restarts are dangerous for a race leader, especially when there are four restarts. It’s times like those when it’s imperative to proceed with caution.”

    2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the Auto Club 400, posting his second top-five finish of the year.

    “I regret not getting fresh tires on the final pit stop,” Truex said. “It’s not like we didn’t have the tires—we start with 11 sets. And I needed fresh tires to have any chance of catching Kyle Larson. So, I urged my crew chief to ‘burn rubber’ so I could ‘burn rubber.’”

    3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski overcame damage in an early spin to finish second at Fontana.

    “Kyle Larson was dominant,” Keselowski said. “He could pass cars at will and made it all look so easy. It was like it was ‘Target practice.’”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott led the Hendrick Motorsports charge at Fontana, finishing 10th. He is second in the points standings, 29 behind Kyle Larson.

    “I hear Danica Patrick was critical of NASCAR’s reasoning for fining drivers,” Elliott said. “I tend to agree with her. I would say to NASCAR officials sitting smugly in their rules trailer, ‘You can’t have it both ways.’ But NASCAR’s rulings are so subjective, they need to be told, ‘You can’t have it three ways, or four ways.’ And let’s be honest, the only people having ‘three ways’ and ‘four ways’ in trailers are Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans.”

    5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Auto Club 400 at Fontana, recording his second top five of the season.

    “Kyle Busch and I raced each other cleanly all weekend at Fontana,” Logano said. “Thank goodness, because I don’t want any more of Kyle’s punches coming my way. As these three boring races out West can attest, one ‘West Coast swing’ is enough.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 13th at Fontana and is now ninth in the points standings, 106 out of first.

    “Frankly,” Harvick said, “I’ve had enough of the West Coast and its smog. I’m ready to head back East, where we race at classic NASCAR tracks like Martinsville. As you know, aerodynamics don’t play much of a role on a half-mile track. So, those West Coast locations can keep their ‘dirty air.’”

    7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished eighth at Fontana, posting his second top-10 finish of the year.

    “I didn’t have one single run-in with Joey Logano,” Busch said. “And that’s exactly how I’d like it, because I prefer to have ‘no contact’ with him.”

    8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished sixth at Fontana.

    “That was a big win for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “But not as big as the oversized novelty pair of sunglasses he was wearing after the race. Kyle’s already a diminutive little fellow; with those giant shades on, I’d say he’s the second coming of ‘Slim Shady.’”

    9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth in the Auto Club 400 and is now seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 86 out of first.

    “Kyle Larson was in a minor car accident after leaving Auto Club Speedway after the race,” Blaney said. “Luckily, Kyle walked away without a scratch, which isn’t that big of a surprise, because he was untouchable all day.”

    10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished third at Fontana, posting his first top-five result since the Bristol Night Race in 2015.

    “I’m driving the No. 14 Stewart-Haas Racing car made famous by Tony Stewart,” Bowyer said. “Tony was known as much for his temper as he was for his driving skill, which led to the coining of the phrase, ‘Where there’s Smoke, there’s ire.’”