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Tag: Tony Stewart

Despite Admitting Error, NASCAR Needs To Overhaul Tech Procedures

Despite admitting wrongdoing to Jimmie Johnson by penalizing him for failing tech inspection three times when he only failed twice, the fact remains that the call to overhaul NASCAR inspection penalties is getting louder. Although the issue was more of a communication error, there’s no glossing over the fact that the system of failing three times before being penalized is pointless and without solid reasoning.

“I still don’t understand why we have to worry about failing three times,” said Tony Stewart, winning car owner of the No. 4 of Kevin Harvick. “It’s like, you bring your car and bring it through tech, and you either pass or you don’t.”

“I don’t know why we screw around, jack around one, two, three times, and it’s ridiculous to me. It’s the only series in the world where you get to go through tech three times and you fail twice and they still let you go a third time. We got to figure it out and make it simpler and it shouldn’t be this difficult.

“Half the time you don’t even know what the penalty is supposed to be, and I don’t…I’m a car owner and I don’t know what the penalty is supposed to be. I don’t know how the fans can keep up with it either. If you start rolling cars through and they don’t pass and you send them to the back after one time I guarantee you a lot less cars fail tech the next week.”

Stewart’s words illustrate a common idea regarding the tech inspection process. Granted, the idea of giving cars three chances through tech inspection is meant to be lenient and easier on the drivers. However, a communication error would be easier and more avoidable if the process was limited to just one chance at tech inspection.

Allowing three passes at tech inspection allows a chance for communication to be needlessly tangled such as what happened with Johnson prior to the AAA Texas 500. It is true that the penalty didn’t harm Johnson too terribly; he had a disastrous qualifying effort by the 48 team’s standards (having won seven races at Texas), and the penalty barely moved him further down in the field. But the next time such an error happens it could happen to a Playoff driver in a cutoff event and it’s obvious NASCAR doesn’t want to have another 2013 Chase field fiasco.

Johnson finished 15th at the final running order despite having led briefly due to pit strategy.

“There was a breakdown of communication on how teams can communicate to the tower to dispute something, and it was really exposed today,” said Johnson.

It’s apparent that without the option to go through tech three times, such a “communication breakdown” wouldn’t have even happened.

November 5, 2018
The Final Word – I know I’m late, but can I make my Talladega prediction now?

If only I could time travel. Going back a few days, I could have been able to pin-point exactly what one needed to do to win at Talladega on Sunday.

1. Drive a Ford.

2. Work for Tony Stewart and Gene Haas.

3. Save fuel.

4. Do not lead until after the final turn.

It would not work next year, with the new rules packages coming in. However, last Sunday, it would have been spot on.

As it turned out, only 14 drivers mattered. If they were not behind the wheel of a blue oval, they did not stand a chance. Of the 193 laps they eventually ran, only nine were led by someone in another make of car, five of those by William Byron in a Chevy.

If you were working for Stewart-Haas, you were among the Top Four all day long. Those four led the opening two segments, actually running far beyond anyone else especially over the opening 55 laps.

A lot of cars ran out of fuel coming to the green flag as they embarked on over-time. Kevin Harvick was among them, as that SHR entry wound up in 28th. Kurt Busch ran out of petrol while leading coming out of Turn Four in sight of the finish line. He wound up 14th.

Between them, Harvick and the elder Busch led 154 laps. Not a place to be if you wanted to save on fuel. Now, sitting third and fourth, especially on that final run to glory, paid dividends. Aric Almirola was fourth for most of the day, moved to third when it counted, and crossed the line ahead of team-mate Clint Bowyer for the victory. Almirola’s win locked him into the next round of the playoffs, along with Harvick and Dover winner Chase Elliott. Kyle Busch is a sneeze away from being there himself, while his brother and Joey Logano are not a lock, but both are still 30 to the good. As for the hopes for six others, it all hinges on what happens next Sunday at Kansas.

It was one of the most impressive team races in NASCAR history. All four Stewart-Haas entries were disciplined. They opened up spots for their team-mates on re-starts, stayed tight together up front, and stayed that way right to the end. No one could touch them. They tried, but as veterans Jeff Burton and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. pointed out from the broadcast booth what the rest had to do to challenge as the laps counted down, the boys on the track seemed to toss away those opportunities on every turn.

Next Sunday, Byron has to win to advance. Kyle Larson is 26 points out. Ryan Blaney is 22 away. Brad Keselowski finds himself 18 on the outside, behind Martin Truex, Jr. and 21 in Bowyer’s rear view. Not an impossible gap, but not an easy one to see disappear.

Hope is not buoyed for the rest by the knowledge that the most recent winners at Kansas were named either Harvick or Truex the past four visits there, or the guy before that was Kyle Busch. Logano won it twice prior to that, sandwiching Jimmie Johnson’s third win at the venue. The seven time champion has just four more chances to win one final time with Chad Knaus on his pit box before the pair end their race day alliance at the end of the season. Together they have won at least once every season since 2002.

If a contender does not do it this upcoming weekend, I think a Johnson and Knaus celebration would be a fan favorite. I would love to tell you how it ends but, alas, that time traveler thing has not worked out for me. If it had, I would have gotten extremely rich betting against the polls a couple of years ago.

October 15, 2018
Hot 20 – Michigan is the focus of this weekend but, apparently, so is France

Bill France. Bill France, Jr. These men were NASCAR.

Smokey Yunick. Maurice Petty. Glen Wood, Leonard Wood. Ray Evernham. These men were NASCAR.

Lee Petty. Richard Petty. Fireball Roberts. Joe Weatherly, Junior Johnson. Bobby Allison. Dale Earnhardt. Cale Yarborough. Darrell Waltrip. Bill Elliott. These men were NASCAR.

Ned Jarrett. Ken Squier. These men were NASCAR.

Tony Stewart. Jeff Gordon. Mark Martin. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Carl Edwards. These men were NASCAR.

Rick Hendrick. Joe Gibbs. Roger Penske. Jack Roush. Richard Childress. These men are NASCAR.

Jimmie Johnson. Kyle Busch, Kurt Busch. Kevin Harvick. Martin Truex, Jr. Denny Hamlin. Brad Keselowski. Kyle Larson. Chase Elliott. These men are NASCAR.

These men, a few women, and so many others made the sport. Were the sport. Are the sport.

Brian France is not NASCAR. There is a reason 97 percent of all family businesses do not survive as such into the fourth generation.

At Michigan on Sunday, NBC’s stellar broadcast crew will once again deliver to our living rooms the people who are NASCAR. Those who matter. The reasons we watch.

Especially our Hot 20. Only 16 spots are open to qualify for a championship run, but a win gets one in and there are only four opportunities left to do just that. Right now, that is the only driving news that matters when it comes to NASCAR.

1. KYLE BUSCH – 6 WINS (934 Pts)
Smokey Yunick would not have let a fueling malfunction stop one of his cars from winning.

2. KEVIN HARVICK – 6 WINS (864 Pts)
Such a terrible day it was at Watkins Glen. He only finished 10th. Only.

3. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – 4 WINS (813 Pts)
Everyone was just thrilled Chase won last week…except for this one.

4. CLINT BOWYER – 2 WINS (703 Pts)
June was a good month to visit Michigan. Hoping August will be just as rewarding.

5. JOEY LOGANO – 1 WIN (691 Pts)
Nice day at the beach at Watkins Glen, though the only water was pouring from his radiator.

6. CHASE ELLIOTT – 1 WIN (619 Pts)
Five Michigan career starts, finishing 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, 8th, and 9th. The boy wants another, it seems.

7. ERIK JONES – 1 WIN (572 Pts)
No longer the best 22-year-old driver this season.

8. AUSTIN DILLON – 1 WIN (412 Pts)
A win and you are in. I like that rule, but…

9. KURT BUSCH – 705 POINTS
No charges were issued, yet Brian France once suspended him. Just thought I would mention it.

10. BRAD KESELOWSKI – 670 POINTS
Winning his first of the season in his home state would be sweet.

11. KYLE LARSON – 660 POINTS
Has won three of the last four at Michigan, a string only interrupted by Bowyer two months ago.

12. DENNY HAMLIN – 650 POINTS
New Redskins’ Super Bowl XXVI cap comes 26 years after the original flew out the bus window.

13. RYAN BLANEY – 639 POINTS
As long as he does not drive like Brian France, he will be in the mix after Indianapolis.

14. ARIC ALMIROLA – 602 POINTS
Unlike Canada and Saudi Arabia, Almirola and DiBenedetto have renewed diplomatic relations.

15. JIMMIE JOHNSON – 563 POINTS
I bet you thought Bowyer was the NASCAR guy with the road service ties.

16. ALEX BOWMAN – 523 POINTS
Unless he gives up 18 points per race between now and after Indianapolis, he is in, unless…

17. RICKY STENHOUSE JR. – 461 POINTS
…Ricky or anyone from him down to Matt DiBenedetto can win one of the next four.

18. PAUL MENARD – 451 POINTS
The Wood Brothers auto should be strong at Michigan, but it needs to be the strongest.

19. DANIEL SUAREZ – 434 POINTS
Some actually believe Suarez has a shot this weekend to win. Maybe a small wager is in order.

20. RYAN NEWMAN – 431 POINTS
Won at Michigan once in 2003 and once in 2004. He sure could use another one now.

August 8, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Watkins Glen

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Watkins Glen and led 31 laps before a fuel probe malfunction in the pits, necessitating an extra pit stop. Despite the issue, Busch recovered to post a third-place finish.

“We just didn’t get enough fuel in the tank,” Busch said. “In other words, I had a ‘halfsie.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stalked race leader Chase Elliott over the final laps at Watkins Glen, but was unable to make the pass. He eventually ran out of fuel and coasted home to a second-place finish.

“Elliott drove his butt off,” Truex said. “He hit all his marks, didn’t make a mistake, and was technically perfect. When I got behind him, I said ‘The chase is on,’ and boy was I right.”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 10th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen, scoring his 18th top 10 of the year.

“I was not a factor in the race,” Harvick said. “In fact, I was barely seen, which means I played the role of ‘Tiny Kevin Harvick’ and it wasn’t a commercial.

“NBC had a camera on my feet. If nothing else, it made former NFL coach Rex Ryan a viewer.”

4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 13th top 10 of the year.

“NASCAR CEO Brian France was arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Busch said. “I’m pretty sure this will result in a revoked license. In other words, he’ll face a ‘drive-through‘ penalty.”

5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen.

“Chase Elliott and Martin Truex Jr. put on quite a show over those last few laps,” Bowyer said. “You could feel the suspense, and with the race being sponsored by GoBowling.com, fans were on ‘pins and needles.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano finished last after an oil cooler malfunction sent him through the sand on lap 2.

“NASCAR put my car on what is known as the ‘damaged vehicle policy,” Logano said. “The last time someone pulled the ol’ ‘damaged vehicle policy’ on me, it was Matt Kenseth.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth at Watkins Glen, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.

“What a drive by Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “He’s the son of Bill Elliott, also known as ‘Awesome Bill From Dawsonville.’ Chase’s win gave Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win, but more importantly, it puts him in the Chase For The Cup. Plus, he may have secured the title of ‘Most Popular Driver.’ An appropriate nickname is ‘Awesome Chase In An Awesome Place.’”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Watkins Glen and finished 13th.

“All that work for the pole,” Hamlin said, “and I only led two laps. In the words of former JGR great Tony Stewart on his way out of the bathroom, ‘So much for clean air.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott held off Martin Truex Jr. in the closing laps at Watkins Glen and won his first career Monster Energy Cup race, giving Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win in the process.

“My car ran out of gas on the cool-down lap,” Elliott said. “Luckily, a man I’ve always looked up to, Jimmie Johnson, gave me a push. So, much like Brian France, who took a ride in a police cruiser, it was left to an ‘authority figure’ to get me where I was going.

“My 62-year-old father will run the Xfinity race at Road America later this month. He’ll be driving for GMS Racing, and they’ve pledged to outfit his ride with a brand new exhaust system. Because if there’s ever a time for new exhaust, it’s for an ‘old fart.’”

10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 17th at Watkins Glen.

“Brian France disgraced himself by getting arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Keselowski said. “France was taken to the slammer is shackles. That’s embarrassing. But let’s make it even more embarrassing and call those shackles the ‘HANDS Device.’”

August 6, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Pocono

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch pulled away on a restart with three laps to go and cruised to the win in the Gander Outdoors 400.

“I tied Tony Stewart with my 49th Cup win,” Busch said. “One more win and I can finally say, ‘Well, passing him in the buffet line is out of the question, but at least I passed Tony in the standings.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fourth in the Gander Outdoors 400.

“I won the pole,” Harvick said, “but it was nullified when my car failed post-race inspection. If this were the National Basketball Association, I would have been issued a ‘technical’ foul. In other words, I got ‘T’d’ up. And that makes me ‘T’d’ off.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Pocono.

“Pocono is a tough track for drivers to figure out,” Truex said. “The ‘Tricky Triangle,’ as they call it, is quite a dilemma for most drivers. NASCAR itself has its own ‘Tricky Triangle’ dilemma—–finding any other driver besides me, Kevin Harvick, or Kyle Busch to win a race.”

4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home 11th in the Gander Outdoors 400.

“Brian France recently reaffirmed his family’s commitment to NASCAR,” Bowyer said. “I’m not sure I buy it. France can say one thing and mean another. Of course, it’s no surprise that from someone with a double chin comes double speak.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished a disappointing 26th at Pocono.

“This was Jimmie Johnson’s 600th Cup start,” Logano said. “That certainly deserves recognition. So let’s give it up for Jimmie. He’s got seven Cup championship trophies to his name. I think the only trophy he’s capable of garnering these days is a participation trophy.”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 23rd at Pocono and is now 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“This race was called the ‘Gander Outdoors 400,’” Larson said. “Judging by what I saw in the stands, attendance was sparse. But NASCAR’s bigger issue is television ratings. So, I guess the biggest problem is not the ‘Gander Outdoors,’ but instead fans neglecting to take a ‘Gander Indoors.’”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Pocono, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.

“I was really pulling for my teammate Daniel Suarez to pull out the win and qualify for the postseason,” Hamlin said. “As you probably know, Daniel is a native of Mexico. Daniel’s a big part of NASCAR’s ‘Driver For Diversity’ program. And, along with Bubba Wallace, the program seems to be working. Before, however, I wasn’t so sure. Instead of ‘diversity,’ it seems to be more a case of ‘re-versity.’”

8. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 14 laps and finished seventh at Pocono, recording his 10th top-10 result of the season.

“I’m still looking for my first win,” Elliott said. “I’ve been close on several occasions, but there’s always something that gets in the way. So, before it happens, I have to overcome the issues that arise when s#it happens.”

9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski spun and hit the wall on lap 121, ending his day at Pocono. He finished 38th.

“I thought I hit the wall hard,” Keselowski said, “until I saw Bubba Wallace hit the wall with six laps to go. Thank goodness for the SAFER barrier. It’s always good to see a driver walk away from an accident. And, in some cases, like Carl Edwards at Talladega in 2009, it’s pretty cool to see a driver run away from an accident.”

10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Pocono as younger brother Kyle took the win.

“Great run by Kyle,” Busch said, “but what about the effort of some of these youngsters, like Daniel Suarez and Chase Elliott? Those guys have skills. You might even say each of them is a ‘Baby Driver.’ When I was that young, most drivers questioned my talents. Some even called me a ‘Maybe Driver.’”

July 31, 2018
The Final Word – Pocono at least teased us with the hope of a different story ending

We all tune in for the potential excitement, but the storylines set up the race. At Pocono, we witnessed Jimmie Johnson make his 600th career start. We wondered if the Big Three would dominate yet again. We also wondered how the bad boys, and maybe a few bad girls back at the shop, would fare after 13 cars failed post-qualifying tech.

Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch were the best qualifying, but the penalty sent them both beyond 25th when they dropped the green. Same for Clint Bowyer and Joey Logano. Would that cripple the chances of four of the top handful of contenders on Sunday? Nope.

Daniel Suarez needed a win to make the Chase, and he inherited the pole. He looked good and he was part of the conversation most of the day. However, it was Harvick who opened the discussion as he charged from 29th to claim the second spot after the opening stage. Up front was Chase Elliott, who once again went charging to glory like Slim Pickens riding an atomic bomb to detonation to claim it. Suarez had to settle for fifth best, right behind Rowdy and just ahead of Bowyer.

Next stage, it was Harvick getting the nod, swapping spots with Jones, with Bowyer just behind them. However, some decided to forgo the stage points to hit the pits and grab position just before they closed the service lane. The question remained, would Harvick, Elliott, and Bowyer do better with their strategy than the likes of Kyle Busch, Jones, Denny Hamlin, Martin Truex Jr. or Suarez?

It did not seem so, as the younger Busch sat on point and allowed the rest to try to track him down. Harvick was out of the mix after a collision on pit road with teammate Aric Almirola. That forced him to return more than once to ensure the damage was truly corrected.

The scariest moment came when Bubba Wallace saw a brake rotor go to pieces, sending him on a wild run through the grass in a bid to scrape off some speed before making hard impact with the outside wall, on the passenger side, when he ran out of lawn. He got out under his own power, but he needed a moment to get all his marbles settled. Wallace will be fine, but he will be a hurting unit for a couple of days.

Back to the racing, nobody had anything for Busch as even a couple of re-starts, including a green-white-checkers finale, was not going to change how this one was scripted. His 49th career win ties him with Tony Stewart as he successfully defends his Pocono summer title. Suarez was second, behind his teammate, followed by Bowyer and his teammate, one Mr. Harvick. Jones finished fifth, while Elliott had to settle for eighth. As for Truex, 15th was his fate while early front-end damage caused Logano to limp home in 26th.

Kyle claimed his sixth season win in taking 47 points on the day. Harvick did him five better in that department, with Elliott adding 48 to his tally, 43 for Alex Bowman, and Suarez got 41. Unfortunately, points do not matter for him at this point in the season. A win would be everything.

Despite it all, the only meaningful change in the standings has Elliott moving 21 points ahead of Johnson for 14th in the standings, while Bowman has increased his margin over Ricky Stenhouse Jr. and Paul Menard for 16th. That is fine, depending on how Watkins Glen turns out next Sunday.

That is your storyline for next week, even more so than anything the Big Three might or might not do. Truex won there last year, but four years ago the man was A.J. Allmendinger. A win for him next week, and he takes Bowman’s spot and drops Johnson down to being the man on the bubble.

If a Top 16 driver wins next Sunday then, well, I hope the action proves to be riveting and you enjoy the broadcast on NBC. As for the story, the ending will probably be very familiar.

July 30, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: New Hampshire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick bumped Kyle Busch out of the lead with six laps to go to win the New Hampshire 301.

“I had to get Kyle out of the way,” Harvick said. “That’s called making a ‘move.’

“Now, of course, I expect Kyle to retaliate at some point. This is NASCAR. The name of the game is ‘tit for tat,’ which is also the name of the game for the chests of some of our finest female race fans.”

2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at New Hampshire after getting bumped out of the lead with six laps to go.

“Harvick blatantly moved me out of the way,” Busch said. “And he can ‘kiss my ass,’ which, come to think of it, is exactly what he did when he put his front end on my back end.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 and led 83 laps at New Hampshire on his way to a fourth-place finish.

“5-Hour Energy won’t be renewing its sponsorship for next season,” Truex said. “Not to worry, though. We’re in talks with a similar brand geared toward developing adolescents, called ‘Booster Shot.’”

4. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole and finished eighth in the New Hampshire 301.

“My brother Kyle called me a ‘dipshit’ during the race,” Busch said. “I’ve made it a point in my life not to listen to anything Kyle says. That was made easier when I had my ears surgically reduced in 2006.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano came home ninth at New Hampshire.

“This was New Hampshire’s only race of the season,” Logano said. “They lost their fall date to Las Vegas. I can certainly sympathize. My early love life is peppered with ‘first and only’ dates.”

6. Clint Bowyer: Clint Bowyer finished 35th at New Hampshire, suffering his worst finish of the season.

“Loverboy played a pre-race concert,” Bowyer said. “Country music is more my thing, so I enjoyed the Loverboy set only slightly. You could say I was ‘lovin’ just a minute of it.’”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson took 12th in the New Hampshire 301 and is now eighth in the points standings, 258 out of first.

“Speaking of Loverboy,” Larson said, “they were rocking. They were on fire. And being that they hail from our neighbors to the North, that makes them ‘Canadian Bakin.””

8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled and finished 32nd at New Hampshire.

“I was pretty much out of it early,” Keselowski said. “But I thoroughly enjoyed the Kevin Harvick-Kyle Busch battle. It must be satisfying for Harvick to be trailing and then have the ability to move Busch out of the way. Kevin really ‘took it from behind.’ Maybe that headline is not the most suitable for newspaper publication, so let’s go with this one: ‘Harvick Humps, Bumps, And Trumps Busch.’ Much better.”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at New Hampshire and is now ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“Tony Stewart wants Cup cars to race on the dirt track at Eldora,” Hamlin said. “I think a lot of drivers would like that too, but to say it will definitely happen would be negligent. So, in the words of Kyle Busch pleading in response to careless and reckless driving charges in North Carolina in 2011, it’s ‘no contest.’”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola was leading late at New Hampshire until a slow pit stop and bad restart cost him track position. He recovered to finish third but was left wanting more.

“We blew it,” Almirola said. “We had the best car out there. Everything about the engine was working perfectly, especially the ‘choke.’”

July 23, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Daytona

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 33rd in the Coke Zero Sugar 400 after crashing out in an early wreck caused by Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

“The No. 18 Interstate Battery Toyota was capable of winning,” Busch said. “That is, until Stenhouse took me out. Revenge is forthcoming. But not from me. I don’t have time to mess with him, so I’m gonna have my hauler driver take his out on the way from Daytona to Kentucky. That’s ‘interstate battery.’”

2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Daytona, losing the win after Erik Jones passed him on the last lap.

“Erik got a kiss from his girlfriend in Victory Lane for winning the Coke Zero Sugar 400,” Truex said. “I, on the other hand, didn’t get a kiss from anyone. In other words, I got ‘zero sugar.’”

3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s day ended with two laps remaining in regulation when he was collected in a crash involving several cars.

“One second you’re racing for the win,” Harvick said. “The next, you’re climbing out of your wrecked car. Next, you’re walking down the track toward the ambulance with Clint Bowyer discussing the scratches and scrapes you just suffered. As it is in nearly all instances, Clint’s remedy is to ‘put a little alcohol on it.’”

4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer was contending up front with two laps remaining in regulation when he was turned by Bubba Wallace and sent into the wall. Bowyer finished 22nd.

“Even when he’s not in the car,” Bowyer said, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. is a factor. He was the only ‘Junior’ who didn’t cause an accident at Daytona.”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 39th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.

“A couple of early wrecks wiped out many of the biggest names in NASCAR,” Logano said. “Most of those accidents were the result of the actions of Ricky Stenhouse Jr. I can totally see why Danica Patrick dumped Ricky Stenhouse Jr. Although he was the ‘Big One,’ he was not ‘the One.’”

6. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 29 at Daytona after spinning on Lap 123 and collecting Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

“I won Friday’s Xfinity Series race,” Larson said. “That was thanks to NASCAR saying Justin Haley’s pass for the lead was illegal because two of his tires were below the yellow line. Is that line really yellow, because I could have sworn I saw a ‘silver lining?’

7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fell victim to one of several wrecks at Daytona and finished 36th.

“I wrecked because William Byron blocked me,” Keselowski said. “I lifted and got hit from behind. I guess the lesson is this: ‘Don’t check up, otherwise you’ll be headed for the infield care center for a ‘check-up.’ Another lesson: keep your foot on the pedal. That way it’s less likely to want to end up in someone’s behind.”

8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished a disappointing 38th at Daytona

“What a great drive by Erik Jones,” Hamlin said. “He picked up his first Monster Energy Cup win by outdueling the defending champion. Wow! Who would have thought Erik would get his first win at Daytona? And who would have thought his first win would come before his first tan?”

9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Daytona after crashing out in a Lap 53 accident that also wiped out Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, Brad Keselowski, and Ryan Blaney.

“That’s a veritable who’s who of drivers who have never won a Cup championship,” Busch said.

“I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ricky Stenhouse Jr. played a part in that accident. Stenhouse won the first two stages. Obviously, his car was awesome. Then he just started causing accidents. In both cases, you could say he was a one-man wrecking crew.”

10. Erik Jones: Jones made a last-lap pass of Martin Truex Jr. and held on to win the Coke Zero Sugar 400, earning his first Monster Energy Cup win.

“I’m proud to drive the No. 20 car that Tony Stewart made famous,” Jones said. “I’ve always admired Tony. He’s a giant in this sport, literally and figuratively. In fact, I was thinking about Tony when I crossed the finish line, knowing I had clinched a spot in the Chase and proved my value to Joe Gibbs. It was a case of ‘girth,’ ‘berth,’ and ‘worth.’”

July 9, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Michigan

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Michigan as the lone Toyota among seven Fords in the top 8.

“What do you call one Toyota amongst so many Fords?” Busch said. “‘Asian Fusion.’”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second to Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Clint Bowyer in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Firekeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.

“If I’m going to lose to anyone,” Harvick said, “I’m happy it’s Clint. But let’s be serious, he was very fortunate, opting for a two-tire pit stop and then having the rain come at a perfect time. So I have to ask him this: ‘Did you just punk me, lucky Clint?’”

3. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Firekeepers Casino 400, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.

“Firekeepers Casino is a great destination for betting,” Logano said. “You could play it safe and put money on Kevin Harvick or Kyle Busch. But if you’re looking for a ‘long shot,’ check with Kurt Busch, because he claims he’s dated a sniper. And he has great odds for the money.”

4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer gambled with a two-tire pit stop and beat Kevin Harvick on a restart, then took the win when rain cut short the Firestarters Casino 400.

“I got the jump on Harvick on that final restart,” Bowyer said. “For the second time on Sunday, it was like someone was shot out of a cannon.”

5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 18th at Michigan.

“Rain delayed the start of the race,” Truex said, “and rain shortened the race. As far as I, the 2018 Monster Energy Cup champion, is concerned, it’s ‘reigning‘ all the time.”

6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan.

“The checkered flag flew early on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “Now, I could be referring to our race, or the Canadian Grand Prix, where supermodel Winnie Harlow flew the checkered flag two laps early. She should be embarrassed. Harlow’s next trip down the runway should be on the cat-walk of shame.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Michigan and finished third, as Stewart-Haas Racing finished 1-2-3.

“That’s right,” Busch said. “My SHR teammates Clint Bowyer and Kevin Harvick finished first and second. Team owner Tony Stewart is thrilled. The last time Tony and I were involved in a ‘1-2-3,’ it was after he punched me in the NASCAR hauler.”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson, seeking his fourth-straight win at Michigan, struggled to a 28th-place finish at Michigan.

“I was slowed by a spin in the grass on Lap 85,” Larson said. “That left a huge divot. And, to make another golf reference, the rain made sure that no one had a ‘green in regulation.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 at Michigan and finished with an eighth-place finish.

“Michigan may have had the best pre-race show in NASCAR history,” Blaney said. “Mostly because a daredevil was shot out of a cannon into a net. That’s excitement. And speaking of ‘excitement,’ the original ‘human cannonball’ in NASCAR was ‘Mr. Excitement’ himself, Jimmie Spencer, who once emptied the water when he once plopped into a swimming pool.”

10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Michigan and is now eighth in the points standings, 196 out of first.

“We have a week off,” Hamlin said, “then it’s off to Sonoma, in California wine country, for a road course race. I’m not sure traditional NASCAR fans enjoy road races. They prefer the combination of alcohol and twists and turns to comprise their drunken drive home from an oval race.”

June 12, 2018
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Charlotte

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Charlotte and led 377 of 400 laps on his way to the win in the Coca-Cola 600. With the victory, Busch became the first driver to win a points race at every track on the NASCAR schedule.

“We haven’t seen this level of domination in this sport,” Busch said, “since Kevin Harvick’s last win.”

2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick smashed the wall on lap 83 at Charlotte and finished 40th.

“Walls are unforgiving,” Harvick said, “and so is the inspection line. I failed pre-qualifying inspection three times. But that’s okay. We’ll be fine. You know, there’s a saying in NASCAR that I like to live by: ‘Fail inspection, live to cheat another day.’”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Charlotte, posting his eighth top five of the year.

“I visited the White House last week to celebrate my 2017 championship,” Truex said. “President Donald Trump was so impressed by my accomplishments, he offered me a cabinet position as Secretary of Transportation. I was grateful for the offer, but I had to turn it down because I think I’m overqualified.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano started second and finished 22nd at Charlotte. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 67 behind Kyle Busch.

“Kyle was out of this world,” Logano said. “He led a whopping 377 of 400 laps. It’s probably the only example of great leadership Kyle’s displayed in his career.”

5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led two laps and finished fourth in the Coca-Cola 600.

“The way it looks now,” Keselowski said, “the battle for the Monster Energy Cup championship will be a two-man battle between Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick. Personally, I’m not ready to concede that. In the words of the great Tom Richmond, ‘I’d like to make it a threesome.’”

6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Charlotte and posted the best finish among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers.

“Tony Stewart was spotted at the Monaco Grand Prix,” Busch said. “Everybody knows Tony can be very ornery on occasion. I imagine if he would have driven in Formula 1, he would have been known as the ‘Grand Prick’ of Grand Prix racing.”

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin came home third at Charlotte as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch claimed a dominant victory.

“On the greatest day of racing of the year,” Hamlin said, “Kyle was incredible. Australians Daniel Ricciardo and Will Power won at Monaco and Indianapolis, while Kyle put 39 other drivers ‘down under’ his name in the race results.”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson survived a Stage 3 spin and drove to a seventh-place finish at Charlotte.

“Kyle Busch totally dominated that race,” Larson said. “He led almost every lap. Heck, instead of the ‘Coca-Cola 600,’ they could have named in the ‘Kyle Busch 600.’ Or better yet, the ‘Monotony 600.’”

9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s engine blew with 22 laps to go in Stage 3, sending his No. 12 car ablaze. He finished 36th.

“I wasn’t the only driver ‘on fire’ at Charlotte,” Blaney said. “Kyle Busch dominated qualifying and the race. Funny thing is, the only ones that got burned were fans who came to see an exciting race.”

10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Charlotte and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.

“As you know,” Bowyer said, “Tony Stewart was in Monaco for the Formula 1 race. There was a time when Tony entertained the idea of racing in Formula 1, but he quickly decided against when he got stuck in the cockpit.”

May 28, 2018