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Tag: Top-10 Power Rankings

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Night Race

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Night Race

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stages 1 and 2 and led 462 of 500 laps on his way to a dominant win in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.

    “I think I sent a message to the rest of the field,” Larson said. “And I also sent a message to Max Verstappen. That message to Max was this: You may be able to ‘F’ in a press conference, but you can’t ‘F’ with me.”

    2. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fifth in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.

    “I clinched a spot in the Round Of 12 early in Stage 2,” Bell said. “That didn’t mean I took my foot off the gas. I had it floored, but it didn’t seem to matter, because Kyle Larson throttled everybody.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Bristol and secured a spot in the Playoffs Round Of 12.

    “I really dug myself a hole in the first two playoff races,” Hamlin said. “Had I not advanced, that would have been convenient because I would have just buried my championship hopes.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano spun in Stage 2 running 12th, ending his hopes for a win, and finished 28th.

    “Having already qualified for the Round Of 12,” Logano said, “I raced at Bristol with no pressure. So I had nothing to worry about, even when that loose cannon Austin Dillon was behind me.”

    5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished second at Bristol.

    “You can best believe the folks down at the Dawsonville Pool Room were watching the race,” Elliott said. “And viewed through their beer goggles, they probably thought I won.”

    6. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe was strong all night at Bristol and recorded an eight, good enough to move him into the Round Of 12.

    “Daniel Hemric’s No. 31 Chevy had Mountain Dew and Doritos sponsorship,” Bell said. “Is it really smart for those companies to advertise their product at a NASCAR race? I mean, most NASCAR fans already have those products. They call it ‘breakfast.’”

    7. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 20th at Bristol, easily advancing to Round 2 of the Playoffs.

    “You have to be on your toes for 500 miles at Bristol,” Reddick said. “It’s a grueling race. When it was done, I was pooped. That’s better than what happened at Darlington, when after the race, what I said was ‘I pooped.’”

    8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Bristol.

    “They call Bristol Motor Speedway the ‘Last Great Colosseum,’” Blaney said. “Does that make us all gladiators? If so, I’m guessing the Romans would not have been entertained, because there was not a lick of fighting.”

    9. Alex Bowman: Bowman started on the pole and finished ninth at Bristol. He advanced to the Round Of 12.

    “I was actually able to clinch in Stage 2,” Bowman said. “So I didn’t have to sweat it out like some drivers. That’s not to say I didn’t sweat. I did. And me talking about my sweat was way more exciting than a race that Kyle Larson made sooo boring.”

    10. Chris Buescher: Buescher finished 14th in the Bass Pro Shops Night Race.

    “As far as tire wear goes,” Buescher said, “the difference in the Bristol spring and the Bristol fall race was like night and day.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson dominated at Darlington, leading 263 laps, but faded late on his way to a fourth-place finish in the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “Darlington is a race steeped in NASCAR tradition,” Larson said. “And nothing puts the ‘Southern’ in the ‘Southern 500’ quite like an Australian accent calling the race.”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Darlington.

    “Is Richard Childress the biggest crybaby in NASCAR?” Hamlin said. “He must be. He still thinks his grandson Austin Dillon’s actions at Richmond should not be penalized. Talk about an entitled @%#$^&. Of course, I could be talking about Childress or Dillon.”

    3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick’s No. 45 Toyota was fast, but he was afflicted with stomach issues all race long. But the 23XI driver toughed it out and finished 10th and won the regular season title.

    “I did some unspeakable things in the cockpit of my car,” Reddick said. “My crew was actually calling me ‘Austin Cindric,’ because I was driving the ‘No. 2’ car.”

    4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished third in the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “Darlington is one of the longest races on the schedule,” Bell said. “And I don’t just mean for drivers. Some fans have actually been known to sober up during the race.”

    5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Darlington.

    “Luckily,” Keselowski said, “I had already clinched a playoff spot, so my race was fairly drama-free. I wasn’t on the playoff bubble. I guess, in the context of this race, the ‘playoff bubble’ was what was going on in Tyler Reddick’s stomach.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled at Darlington but put up a late charge to finish 11th in the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “I wasn’t much of a factor on Sunday,” Elliott said. “I mean, it could have been worse. I could have been the car that finished directly behind Tyler Reddick. Talk about a debris caution. So much for clean air.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was knocked out of the race just two laps in when Martin Truex Jr. lost control and slammed into Blaney’s No. 12 Penske Ford. The damage eliminated both cars, with Blaney finishing last in 37th.

    “Martin was man enough to take responsibility for the accident,” Blaney said. “He even called himself an ‘idiot.’ It’s refreshing to see someone in this sport with the integrity to call themselves that. If only someone else had the integrity to call their grandson an idiot.”

    8. Kyle Busch: Busch was unable to chase down Chase Briscoe in the closing laps at Darlington and took the runner-up spot. Needing a win to advance, he will miss the Playoffs.

    “My No. 8 car was primarily sponsored by Morgan And Morgan,” Busch said. “They are a personal injury law firm, and I can proudly say that not only does M & M call me a client, they often call me a defendant.”

    9. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe drove his way into the Playoffs, dramatically holding off Kyle Busch in the closing laps to win the Cook Out Southern 500.

    “Stewart-Haas Racing is closing its doors after this season,” Briscoe said, “so I’m very hesitant to say I’m ‘fired’ up for the Playoffs.”

    10. Bubba Wallace: Wallace started on the pole and finished 16th in the Cook Out Southern 500, a result that wasn’t quite good enough to clinch a playoff spot.

    “Michael Jordan was in the pits again offering his support,” Wallace said. “He’s put a lot of money into the 23XI Racing team. I don’t know exactly how much, but if Michael’s invested just half as much in this team as he’s lost on the golf course, then 23XI should be worth billions.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Indianapolis

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson, sidetracked early in the race by a loose wheel, mounted a late charge at Indianapolis to win the Brickyard 400, his fourth win of the year.

    “I heard the Formula 1 driver Max Verstappen stayed up until 3 a.m. sim racing on race day before the Hungarian Grand Prix,” Larson said. “I think I can safely say that’s the second dumbest thing a driver has done while sim racing.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran a query Brickyard 400 on his way to a third-place finish.

    “I got turned sideways by contact on a Lap 110 restart,” Blaney said. “But I was able to save it and continue. That put me in a truly unique situation because I was able to look sideways at the driver that nearly wrecked me without having to move my eyes.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Indianapolis and finished 32nd after being caught up in an accident on the first overtime restart.

    “Fuel mileage always plays a huge part at Indianapolis,” Hamlin said. “So, you don’t necessarily have to save the best for last, but you do have to save something for last.”

    4. Tyler Reddick: Reddick started on the pole at Indianapolis and finished second in the Brickyard 400.

    “Every driver dreams of kissing the bricks at Indianapolis,” Reddick said. “Heck, for all I know, some drivers may dream of kissing bricks in general. I commend them for their fine taste in masonry.”

    5. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fourth in the Brickyard 400, posting his seventh top-five of the season.

    “I don’t think the Kyle Busch-Corey LaJoie feud carried over to Indianapolis,” Bell said. “One thing’s for sure–those two aren’t fighting for wins. If anything, they’re fighting for relevance.”

    6. Chase Elliott: Elliott overcame an early penalty to salvage a 10th-place finish.

    “I certainly didn’t agree with NASCAR’s reasoning for the penalty,” Elliott said. “You could tell by the number of ‘F’ words I used when reacting to it over the team radio. I thought it was a pretty good English lesson for all the kids watching because I used the ‘F’ word as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, and as the name I use to refer to NASCAR officials.”

    7. Alex Bowman: Bowman’s race ended on Lap 162 during an overtime start when he was collected in a big pileup behind the leaders. He finished 31st, six laps down.

    “Jimmie Johnson was racing at Indy in the No. 84 car,” Bowman said. “I feel honored to drive the No. 48 Hendrick car that Jimmie made famous. He’s not making that No. 84 car famous, but he is making it winless.”

    8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski was leading and in fuel-saving mode when Kyle Busch spun to bring out a caution, a caution that possibly cost Keselowski the win. On the subsequent restart, Keselowski ran out of gas and settled for 21st.

    “It’s certainly not the first time Kyle Busch has ruined my day,” Keselowski said. “How many days of mine has Kyle ruined? It would be the number of days I’ve known Kyle Busch.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex made contact with Kyle Larson on Lap 106, and Truex slid up the track and hard into the wall. Truex was running fifth at the time of the accident and dropped all the way down to 32nd after a lengthy pit stop. He eventually finished 27th.

    “I don’t know who to blame,” Truex said. “But Ross Chastain was nearby, so I guess I’ll blame him. And who on earth would dispute a claim that Chastain caused an accident?”

    10. William Byron: Byron was collected in a Lap 75 incident when Ryan Preece made contact with Byron’s No. 24 Chevrolet, sending Byron hard into the inside wall. Byron was done for the day and finished 38th.

    “I don’t really know what happened,” Byron said. “All I know is that I was an innocent participant. And it’s a good thing ‘Liberty University’ wasn’t on my car, because that would have opened the door to a lot of ‘Jerry Falwell, Jr. claimed he was an innocent participant’ jokes.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Iowa

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Iowa

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Iowa.

    “I think I can speak for Chase Elliott fans,” Elliott said, “and NASCAR fans in general, when I saw that as far as corn products go, they’d rather drink them than eat them.”

    2. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole and led 80 laps while winning Stage 2. But contact with Daniel Suarez on Lap 220 spun Larson into the path of Denny Hamlin. Larson’s No. 5 Chevy suffered significant damage. He eventually finished 34th.

    “It’s not wise to go three wide,” Larson said. “I did, and it cost me. Suarez really did a number on me. His number is ’99,’ but that number is ’86.’ In the state of Iowa, that’s called getting ‘cornholed.’”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1, took charge late and held off William Byron to win the Iowa Corn 350, Blaney’s first win of the season.

    “It feels great to win,” Blaney said. “With this being the Iowa Corn 350 and me being a humble fellow, all I can say is ‘Aww shucks.’”

    4. William Byron: Byron finished second in the Iowa Corn 350, posting his sixth top 5 of the season.

    “Even with newer tires,” Byron said, “I still couldn’t catch Blaney. I guess his No. 12 Ford, much like his sister Erin, was out of my league.”

    5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin struggled early, but made his way into the top 10 before an accident with Daniel Suarez and Kyle Larson caused damage to the No. 11 Toyota. Hamlin finished 24th.

    “We were just very inconsistent,” Hamlin said. “My car, much like Suarez’s driving, was all over the place.”

    6. Christopher Bell: Bell finished fourth in the Iowa Corn 350, posting his fifth top 5 of the year.

    “I thought Ryan Blaney really held up well at the end,” Bell said. “He fought off all challengers and maintained the lead under lots of pressure from William Byron and other drivers. Of course, it’s the Iowa Corn 350; you should expect to be ‘stalked.’”

    7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th in the Iowa Corn 350.

    “The street address of Iowa Speedway is 3333 Rusty Wallace Drive,” Keselowski said. “That’s because Rusty designed the race track. The track is D-shaped, and that was done in honor of Rusty’s longtime teammate Ryan Newman, who was D-headed.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 11th in the Iowa Corn 350.

    “Grimace was on Bubba Wallace’s No. 23 Toyota,” Chastain said. “Grimace was also at the track. He was the purple blob. More specifically, he was the Jimmy Spencer-shaped purple blob.”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 15th at Iowa.

    “I announced that the 2024 season will be my last as a full-time driver,” Truex said. “If I could cap off the season with the Cup championship, it would be awesome. That way, I could say I won going away.”

    10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 22nd at Iowa.

    “This was the first NASCAR Cup Series race at Iowa Speedway,” Reddick said. “The site of the track used to be a cornfield, which makes it just like every other structure in the state.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. William Byron: Byron was solid all day at Texas on his way to a third in the Autotrader EchoPark Automotive 400 at Texas.

    “Once again,” Byron said, “my No. 24 Chevy featured the Liberty University paint scheme. I think I’m a good bet to win any race this season. So, if you have me in an office betting group, then I like your chances to win the pool, boy.’”

    2. Chase Elliott: Elliott overtook Denny Hamlin for the lead on Lap 260 at Texas, then held on through two overtime restarts to take the win in the Autotrader EchoPark Automotive 400. The win snapped a 42-race winless streak for Elliott.

    “The No. 9 Camaro was amazing,” Elliott said. “And getting this win means the world to me. I really enjoy being the center of attention in Victory Circle. And in the Hooters car, that means spotlights and headlights.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin got loose battling with Chase Elliott for the lead on Lap 266 at Texas and tumbled down the order. A win or a runner-up turned into a 30th-place finish at Texas.

    “I’m sure the fine folks down at the Dawsonville Pool Room were happy to see that,” Hamlin said. “I can hear them jeering me now. Luckily, my car was primarily sponsored by Yahoo, and it’s helpful when your own car tells you the kind of people you’ll be dealing with.

    4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 14th at Texas.

    “The winner of the Texas race is presented with a cowboy hat,” Truex said, “as well as the chance to look like someone who normally doesn’t wear a cowboy hat.

    5. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs started second at Texas and finished 13th.

    “Thankfully,” Gibbs said, “I didn’t have a wheel fall off like my front-row counterpart Kyle Larson. Kyle had a wheel fall off under caution on Lap 116. I bet he’s really disappointed in that wheel. What do you even say to a wheel that just up and quits in the middle of a race? Maybe ‘You’re putting me on.’”

    6. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Texas and won Stage 1, but found trouble when he lost a wheel under caution. He fell two laps down and eventually finished 21st.

    “Luckily,” Larson said, “I was able to get back on the lead laps thanks to a couple of free passes. I love free passes, and could have used a butt load of them back in the spring of 2010 to get me out of a really huge jam I was in.”

    7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney suffered heavy damage when contact from Ryan Preece sent Blaney’s No. 12 Ford hard into the turn 2 wall on Lap 182 at Texas. Blaney came home 33rd, eight laps down.

    “That was a clear case of Ryan-on-Ryan violence,” Blaney said. “If I was a hothead, I would have retaliated with more Ryan-on-Ryan violence. But I’m not. I’m a man of peace, and he’s a man of Preece.”

    8. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished seventh at Texas, posting his fourth top 10 of the season.

    “This race was called the Autotrader EchoPark Automotive 400,” Wallace said. “That’s a lot of words and seems kind of redundant. Do we really need to have the word ‘auto’ more than once in an auto race?”

    9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished fourth at Texas as the top Toyota car on the day.

    “Dr. Phil was the honorary pace car driver at Texas,” Reddick said. “Just for the day, we referred to my fueler Brian Dheel as ‘Dr. Fill.’”

    10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski scored his best finish of the year with a second at Texas.

    “Former legend Jimmie Johnson was back in the Cup series for the first time in a while,” Keselowski said. “And just 50 laps into the race, Jimmie spun. It’s clear that Jimmie doesn’t need to retire to take himself out of a race.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Daniel Suárez: Suarez surged late and edged Ryan Blaney and Kyle Busch at the line in a photo finish to win the Ambetter Health 400.

    “That may have been the greatest moment of my racing career,” Suarez said, “followed by the most disappointing, because I celebrated by smashing a taco pinata, but it was empty.”

    2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney fell short by mere fractions of a second, taking second to Daniel Suarez in a photo finish that decided the Ambetter Health 400.

    “Congratulations to Daniel,” Blaney said. “He chose the right line and deserved to win. So, I say, ‘Good job, amigo.’ Next time, though, you will see ‘me go’ faster.”

    3. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third in the Ambetter Health 400, coming up just short in a photo finish at the finish line.

    “We were so close,” Busch said. “I told myself before the race that we could win this race. And when you tell yourself that, it’s all about believing it. And let me tell you, I’m way better at convincing myself as opposed to a state trooper.”

    4. Bubba Wallace: Wallace finished fifth at Atlanta.

    “My car sported the ‘MoneyLion’ paint scheme,” Wallace said. “MoneyLion is a personal finance tech company. I hear it’s pretty popular. In other words, there’s ‘great interest’ in MoneyLion.”

    5. William Byron: Byron finished 17th in the Ambetter Health 400 and leads the Cup series points standings.

    “The race was filled with crashes,” Byron said. “There were only seven cars that weren’t involved in an accident. That’s amazing. What’s more amazing is that Ross Chastain was on that list. Not surprisingly, he took drivers off that list.”

    6. Austin Cindric: Cindric led 32 laps and finished fourth at Atlanta.

    “You probably heard that Joey Logano had to start at the rear of the field because of a penalty for ‘illegal gloves,’” McDowell said. “That’s a new one on me. I didn’t know there was such a thing as ‘performance-enhancing gloves.’ I’m sure that irritated Joey. Whatever altering he did to his gloves, I can assure you Joey left the middle fingers intact.”

    7. Michael McDowell: McDowell started on the pole and won Stage 1 at Atlanta, on his way to an eighth in the Ambetter Health 400.

    “I think I’ve proven I can run with the big dogs,” McDowell said. “So don’t sleep on me as a contender for the Cup championship. If you do want to sleep, attend the upcoming race at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.”

    8. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished seventh at Atlanta.

    “There were quite a few big names knocked out of the race in accidents,” Chastain said. “Amazingly, none were my fault. The fewer cars in contention, the better my odds of winning. I call it ‘Attrition by subtraction.’”

    9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led nine laps and finished 12th in the Ambetter Health 400.

    “I guess I’m now NASCAR’s elder statesman,” Truex said. “It makes sense because I’ve been racing for over 20 years. You can call me an ‘old fart’ and I won’t argue, because that’s pretty much what my driver’s seat smells like after all these years.”

    10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started at the rear of the field due to pre-race adjustments and came home 15th in Atlanta.

    “I was in an early accident that really damaged my No. 9 Chevy,” Elliott said. “So we had to make quite a few stops and make repairs when we could. And it’s the subtle changes that really matter. And since we’re talking ‘subtlety,’ nothing says ‘subtle’ like the owl’s eyes on my Hooters-sponsored car.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Homestead

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Joey Logano: Logano finished 18th at Homestead.

    “I’m headed to Martinsville as the only driver to have already clinched a spot in the championship round,” Logano said. “So, when I check the gauges in my car and they all say ‘no pressure,’ it won’t be a problem.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home second in the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead.

    “I’m second in the playoff standings,” Chastain said, “14 points to the good. It would take a virtual disaster for me not to make the playoffs, so I feel good about my prospects because I often am that disaster.”

    3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Homestead and will vie for one of the three remaining championship round playoff spots at Martinsville.

    “We’ll be in my home state of Virginia,” Hamlin said. “So, I’m hoping to make my place of birth my place of berth.”

    4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 14th at Homestead and sits third in the playoff standings.

    “The deeper we get into the playoffs,” Elliott said, “the greater the pressure to win. So, at Martinsville, the tension will be different than one of those cheap hot dogs, because you can cut the tension with a knife.”

    5. William Byron: Byron started on the pole at Homestead and finished 12th in the Dixie Vodka 400.

    “I’m five points above the elimination line,” Byron said. “If NASCAR had not rescinded those penalty points for wrecking Denny Hamlin, I wouldn’t be in this position. So, I’m not sure if I should thank NASCAR for their consistency, or their lack of it.”

    6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 17th at Homestead.

    “I spun leaving the pits on the access road,” Blaney said. “It was totally my fault. I accidentally downshifted when I meant to upshift. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. So, very bad timing. Now, very good ‘timing’ would be me holding a grandfather clock after winning at Martinsville next week.”

    7. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 11th at Homestead.

    “I’ll need to win at Martinsville to advance to the championship round,” Bell said. “I pulled a rabbit out of the hat at Charlotte’s ROVAL to advance to the Round Of 8. I’ll need to pull another rabbit out of another place if I’m going to advance again.”

    8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Homestead, posting his 16th top 10 of the season.

    “If you think non-playoff drivers have nothing to gain by winning a race,” Harvick said, “then you’re partly right because we’ll ‘stop at nothing’ to win.”

    9. Kyle Larson: Larson dominated at Homestead, sweeping the stages and pulling away for an easy win, his third of the season.

    “I felt confident with Valvoline on my car,” Larson said. “Valvoline makes a great lubricant, and trust me, I’d much rather be ‘greased’ by Valvoline than ‘greased’ by Bubba Wallace.”

    10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 28 laps and posted a sixth in the Dixie Vodka 400.

    “Kyle Larson hit my rear bumper on pit road,” Truex said. “I knew it was an accident, so I kept my head. I remained calm, cool, and collected. That’s unlike Bubba Wallace, who wasn’t calm, wasn’t cool, and whose fine was collected by NASCAR.”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Nashville

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Chase Elliott: Elliott surged late and held off Kurt Busch to win the Ally 400 at Nashville, earning his first win since May 1st at Dover.

    “That was nearly two months without a victory,” Elliott said. “But holding this guitar trophy means I’m not going to ‘fret’ over that.”

    2. Ross Chastain: Chastain took fifth in the Ally 400.

    “My No. 1 car was primarily sponsored by Jockey for this race,” Chastain said. “In this business, you can never underestimate the importance of clean underwear, what with racing terms like ‘dirty air,’ ‘runs,’ and ‘rear spoilers.’”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted a solid third in the Ally 400 at Nashville, scoring his seventh top-five of the season.

    “I’m still looking for that elusive win this season,” Blaney said. “I’d get my father Dave to help me find it, but history says he has no clue where to find a win.”

    4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Nashville.

    “Former Penske Racing great Rusty Wallace is appearing in a new Skechers commercial,” Logano said. “So, while Rusty wants to put his shoe in the retail market, his former teammate Ryan Newman still wants to put his shoe somewhere else, and that’s in Rusty where the sun don’t shine.”

    5. Kyle Busch: Busch was running second at the final caution at Nashville, and opted to pit for tires, which was ultimately the wrong decision. Busch finished 21st, as Chase Elliott, who stayed out, took the win.

    “Obviously,” Busch said, “pitting was the wrong call. And, obviously, only signing 100 autographs at a local Wal-Mart was also the wrong call. And obviously, the right thing to do would have been to sign fewer.”

    6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 10th at Nashville, posting his eighth top-10 of the year.

    “Once again,” Harvick said, “my car was adorned with the Busch Light Apple paint scheme. I’m interested in people’s opinion of what appears to be an awful flavor. If you’re hesitant to give that opinion, I suggest you ‘spit it out.’”

    7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stages 1 and 2, but a late pit stop gamble shuffled him back, and he finished 22nd in the Ally 400.

    “I’m returning to Joe Gibbs Racing in 2023,” Truex said. “I think JGR cars give me the best chance to go fast and win races. So, when I ask myself, ‘Should I stay or should I go?,’ I can confidently answer ‘Both.’”

    8. Kyle Larson: Larson started third and finished fourth at Nashville, and is seventh in the points standings.

    “I haven’t won a race since February in California,” Larson said. “So I feel like I’m due, for a win, or sensitivity training, or both.”

    9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole and led a race-high 114 laps en route to a sixth-place finish at Nashville.

    “It could have been a much better finish,” Hamlin said. “I should have stayed out on that last caution. If I had it to do over, I would have done a ‘do-over.’”

    10. Christopher Bell: Bell finished eighth at Nashville.

    “Sunday’s race was delayed twice for lightning,” Bell said, “and once for rain. If only Tim Richmond and Jeremy Mayfield could have somehow caused a disturbance, the race could have also been delayed for ‘snow’ and ‘ice.’”

  • NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Texas

    Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

    1. Kyle Larson: Larson clinched a Championship 4 berth with a dominant win at Texas, leading 256 of 334 laps.

    “I think I’m obviously the favorite to win the championship,” Larson said. “Just ask the people in Texas, ‘Do you think Kyle Larson will win the Cup? Yes or no?’ and they’ll tell you ‘yes.’ That’s called ‘The Ayes Of Texas.’”

    2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin and Ryan Blaney made contact with 20 laps remaining, which led to a tire rub on Hamlin’s No. 11 Toyota. The rub eventually caused a spin, but Hamlin was able to stay on the lead laps. He survived a later spin to finish 11th.

    “I can’t tell you how many different cars I touched,” Hamlin said. “It was a lot. If you want an exact number, we’ll have to do some ‘contact tracing.’”

    3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth in the Auto Trader EchoPark Automotive 500.

    “That’s a lot of name for a NASCAR race,” Blaney said. “The word ‘Auto’ is in the name twice. Not surprisingly, the word ‘Echo’ is also in the title.”

    4. Kyle Busch: Busch won Stage 1 and finished eighth at Texas.

    “I’m fourth in the playoff standings,” Busch said. “Now, to use a tennis reference, I need to ‘hold serve’ at Kansas and Martinsville and I’m in the championship round. Now, if I ‘double fault’ at Kansas and Martinsville, I’m out.”

    5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex and Daniel Suarez got together late, which sent Truex’s No. 19 into the wall. Truex finished 25th, 14 laps down.

    “As much as I’d like to blame Suarez,” Truex said, “I can’t. We’ll just have to chalk it up to a ‘racing incident.’ That being said, I’d still prefer that Suarez stay as far away from me as possible, especially on the track. His average finish says he’s more than likely to oblige.”

    6. Joey Logano: Logano blew his engine with 34 laps to go and finished 30th in the Auto Trader EchoPark Automotive 500.

    “Anytime you see that much smoke,” Logano said, “you know it’s not good, or some teenager is vaping.”

    7. William Byron: Byron took second at Texas, as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Kyle Larson took the win.

    “My Hendrick teammate Chase Elliott has to start from the back after failing multiple inspections,” Byron said. “So, that’s two straight weeks in which he’s been ‘rear-ended.’”

    8. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh despite having to make an early green flag pit stop due to a vibration.

    “Texas Motor Speedway features ‘Big Hoss,’” Elliott said. “That’s the video screen that has over 20,000 square feet of display. When you see Kevin Harvick on that screen, it proves what I’ve said all along-he’s the ‘biggest’ baby in NASCAR.”

    9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fourth at Texas and is sixth in the championship standings.

    “The Texas race lacked the drama of Charlotte’s Roval,” Keselowski said. “Sure, some people got mad, but nobody got fighting mad. But just wait. Martinsville is just down the road on the schedule. Everyone knows: short track equals short fuses. Four drivers will go down; one’s bound to go down swinging.”

    10. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Texas.

    “NASCAR issued Chase Elliott and me a stern warning about continued action in our feud,” Harvick said. “They warned of ‘severe consequences’ if anything happens on the track. That leaves my options to retaliate very limited. Now, I guess the worst thing I can do to Chase is give him a lifetime supply of Hunt Brothers Pizza.”