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NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Sonoma

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch locked up his rear tires and spun on a restart on Lap 88, ruining his shot at challenging for the win at Sonoma. Busch finished 30th.

“Braking news,” Busch said. “I really put the ‘F’ in ‘KFB’ on that restart.”

2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished seventh in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“I talked to Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott in regards to my mistakes at Gateway,” Chastain said. “But that was nothing compared to getting called out by Tony Stewart, who was in the Fox Sports booth. If I had a resume to match that of Stewart, I would tell him to ‘Eat those words.’ And the thing is, Tony would probably do it anyway.”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 26 laps and finished eighth in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“We really blew a pit stop that cost us any chance of winning,” Elliott said. “We didn’t fully tighten a lug nut and then had to back up. That’s a penalty for pitting outside the box. So, even though I’m the one shifting the car in reverse, it’s my team that actually makes me go backwards.”

4. Joey Logano: Logano captured Stage 2 at Sonoma and finished 17th.

“I’m happy for Daniel Suarez,” Logano said. “And I think it’s awesome he celebrated by breaking a taco pinata in Victory Circle. I can only imagine the promotional tie-in a certain fast-food restaurant could be planning. Suarez’s is a Cinderella story, and I’m guessing his date for the ball in this commercial is the ‘Taco Belle.’”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 6th at Sonoma.

“You may have heard me on my radio commenting on the difficulty of passing,” Blaney said. “I was dropping truth bombs while simultaneously dropping ‘F-bombs.’”

6. Daniel Suarez: Suarez snatched his first Cup series win with a brilliant drive at Sonoma to win the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“I’m the first Mexican driver to win in the Cup series,” Suarez said. “That’s a big deal. I can’t wait to go home and celebrate with my fans. So, for all the Americans who want me to ‘go back from where I came,’ I plan to.”

7. Kyle Larson: Larson started on the pole at Sonoma and won Stage 1, but disaster struck when his No. 5 Chevy lost its right front wheel on lap 84. Larson finished 15th.

“I could have won this race,” Larson said. “I won the pole, and the car was set up perfectly. I was fully prepared to drive the wheels off my car until my pit crew beat me to it.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took fourth at Sonoma, posting his fourth top-five of the season.

“I was lucky to finish fourth,” Harvick said. “We had a pit stop in which the car fell off the jack. My pit crew’s been all over the place. Therefore, my season’s had more ups and downs than the jack.”

9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled at Sonoma with a 26th-place finish.

“The Clash is returning to the Los Angeles Coliseum in 2023,” Truex said. “So, we’re all heading back to ‘La La Land.” Now, if Michael Waltrip does his grid walk at the Clash, it will most certainly be ‘Blah Blah Land.’”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 16th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350.

“My team was one of the few Hendrick Motorsports teams that understand that race cars work better with four wheels,” Bowman said.

“It’s always fun to visit Sonoma. It’s wine country and probably the only stop on the season where the word ‘charcuterie’ is used correctly.”

June 13, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Gateway

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch came up short in a back-and-forth battle with Joey Logano in the Enjoy Illinois 300, taking the runner-up spot.

“That was good, clean racing at its finest,” Busch said. “And the exact opposite of what you saw from Denny Hamlin, Ross Chastain, and Chase Elliott. If NASCAR is trying to appeal to a younger audience, I guess they’re gonna do it with child-like behavior. I’m just shocked I wasn’t involved in those immature shenanigans.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano came out on top in a spirited battle with Kyle Busch to get the win in the inaugural Cup race at World Wide Technology Raceway.

“That was fun,” Logano said. “I like measuring myself against the best. When I can’t do that, I like measuring myself against someone who thinks he’s the best. That’s Kyle.”

3. Ross Chastain: Chastain overcame several run-ins with Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott to post an eighth-place finish at Worldwide Technology Raceway.

“Hamlin was holding me up,” Chastain said. “I was so close to him, he could see the word ‘Moose’ on my hood. In hindsight, maybe my hood should have read ‘Moove.’

“That being said, I admitted my mistakes after the race, which is something unheard of in this sport. I’ll probably get accused by some NASCAR old-school fans of being ‘woke.’”

4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

“My No. 12 Ford sported the ‘Dent Wizard’ paint scheme,” Blaney said. “Many, if not all, of the drivers call Brad Keselowski the ‘Dent Wizard,’ because he can magically cause damage to your car without even touching it.”

5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 12th at Gateway and is now mired in a 13-race Cup winless streak.

“Not winning is something totally foreign to me,” Larson said. “The only things I’m used to losing are dignity and sponsors.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started 13th and finished sixth in the Enjoy Illinois 300.

“That was my 600th Cup series start,” Truex said. “And with my contract expiring, I’m trying to decide whether or not I want to do this anymore. ‘To re-tire, or not to re-tire.’ That is the question. And this time, it’s entirely up to me, and not my crew chief, to answer it.”

7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 21st in the Enjoy Illinois 300, his day hindered by a bump from Ross Chastain on Lap 101 that spun Elliott into traffic.

“Chastain drove like a man possessed,” Elliott said. “In that case, somebody needs to call an exorcist to get the ‘hell’ out of Ross, because he is one ‘hell’ of a bad driver.”

8. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 13th at Gateway as Hendrick Motorsports failed to place a driver in the top 10.

“It looks like Denny Hamlin’s got a new feuding partner,” Bowman said, “in Ross Chastain. That’s good for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a ‘hack;’ but with Chastain in the mix, I’m not the ‘absolute hack.’”

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was bumped into the wall by Ross Chastain on Lap 64 at Gateway and eventually finished 34th, 11 laps off the lead lap.

“I spent most of the race trying to get revenge on Chastain,” Hamlin said. “If only I could match that same determination in the championship round of the playoffs, I’d probably have more than zero championships.”

10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fifth at Gateway, posting his second top-five of the season.

“This was the Cup series’ only stop in the state of Illinois,” Almirola said. “If you told the average NASCAR fans that the ‘S’ in ‘Illinois’ in silent, they would likely say ‘No ‘S’.’”

June 6, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney charged from 25th on the starting grid to post a fifth at Bristol, his fourth top-five finish of the year.

“Ty Dillon’s car was sponsored by ‘Gain,’” Blaney said. “Erik Jones had ‘Tide’ on his car, and Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s car sported the ‘Irish Spring’ logo. I’m not sure what race teams charge for sponsorship at a dirt race, but you can bet those got ‘taken to the cleaners.’”

2. Joey Logano: Despite not leading a single lap, Logano was a fixture up front all night at Bristol and finished third.

“Drivers one and all love racing on the dirt at Bristol,” Logano said. “I think NASCAR should consider some other surfaces to race on, like linoleum, vinyl, tile, or carpet. Just call the event the ‘Floor It 500.’”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started ninth and finished ninth at Bristol, and remains atop the points standings, three points up on Ryan Blaney.

“I had an incident with Cody Ware in Stage 3,” Elliott said. “He retaliated and gave me a pretty hard bump. Somebody needs to tell that kid who I am because I am a ‘somebody.’ Somebody also needs to tell him who he is, because he’s a ‘nobody.’”

4. Kyle Busch: Busch ran up front all night at Bristol and stole the win when Chase Briscoe and Tyler Reddick wrecked battling for the win.

“I don’t have a background in dirt racing,” Busch said. “I grew up on the clean streets of Las Vegas, which are hard, smooth, and paid for with the life savings and crushed hopes of many a failed and addicted gambler.

“You could say I ‘backed’ into the win at Bristol. You could also say Chase Briscoe ‘backed’ into Tyler Reddick, thus backing me into the win. Either way, I’m back in Victory Lane.”

5. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe suffered an early flat tire at Bristol but recovered to put himself in position to win on the final lap. But his kamikaze move on race-leader Tyler Reddick backfired, as Briscoe spun himself and Reddick, which allowed Kyle Busch to steal the win.

“I made it a point to apologize to Tyler,” Briscoe said. “I offered him a handshake, and he graciously accepted. If you ask some of the old school drivers, they’ll tell you that’s the closest us youngsters will come to ‘throwing hands.’”

6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished sixth at Bristol.

“It’s really special racing on Easter,” Bowman said. “Probably more so for Kyle Busch. I’m sure Kyle and his team were resigned to finishing third. But then, all of a sudden, he was in first. And all his stunned followers could say was, ‘Look! He is risen!’

“And let me apologize for even remotely comparing Jesus to Kyle Busch. As Brad Keselowski might say, ‘You just put the ‘a$$’ in ‘blasphemy.’”

7. Tyler Reddick: While seemingly headed for his first win, Reddick was wrecked by Chase Briscoe, who spun Reddick while attempting a daring, potential race-winning pass in the final corner. Reddick recovered to finish second, while Briscoe dropped to 22nd as Kyle Busch won.

“My No. 8 Chevy was great,” Reddick said. “I’d like to thank everyone associated with Richard Childress Racing and 3CHI. RCR brings the speed, and 3CHI brings the weed.

“I could have tried to be a tough guy and take a swing at Briscoe for wrecking me. But I tried to be the ‘bigger man,’ which is hard because it ain’t easy being the ‘bigger man’ when you’re 5′ 5″ and Briscoe is 6′ 1″ and looks like he’s hiding Tony Stewart under his driver’s suit.”

8. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 and came home fourth in the Bristol Dirt Race.

“I’m totally at home racing on dirt,” Larson said. “In fact, I love it, even though the end result is often a mouthful of dirt. And, it gives me an opportunity to literally ‘wash my mouth out with soap,’ something I’ve done before figuratively.”

9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex experienced engine issues at Bristol and struggled to a disappointing 21st.

“Luck just wasn’t on our side,” Truex said. “It was, however, on the side of my JGR teammate Kyle Busch. Seeing the discrepancy in luck between a good guy like me and a punk like Kyle brings tears of pain to me, and tears of joy to him. That’s why Kyle is considered by many to be a ‘lucky SOB.’

“That being said, I’d rather be unlucky than be Kyle Busch.”

10. William Byron: Byron finished 18th in the dirt at Bristol while his three Hendrick Motorsports teammates all placed in the top 10.

“Racing on dirt is the closest we come to ‘drifting,’” Byron said. “It may not be ‘The Fast And The Furious,’ but I’ll put my driving up against any street racer any day, and I’ll put my acting up against Vin Diesel’s every day.”

April 18, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. William Byron: Byron held off Joey Logano in overtime at Martinsville to win the Blu-Emu Maximum Pain Relief 400, Byron’s second straight win.

“I also won the Truck race on Thursday,” Byron said “which means I left Martinsville with two grandfather clocks. It’s the greatest example of ‘two-timing’ in NASCAR since Jeff Gordon’s marriage.”

2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth at Martinsville, posting his third top-five of the year.

“I’m still looking for my first win,” Blaney said. “I’m sure it will come in due time. Obviously, it’s all about confidence, and I’m extremely confident, even though I’m winless. Who’s better than Ryan Blaney? ‘No won.’”

3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and led the first 185 laps, winning the first two stages before fading late to finish 10th.

“It was like Christmas in April at Martinsville,” Elliott said. “Why do I say that? Because there was wintry weather and a boring ‘parade.’”

4. Joey Logano: Logano was running second at the overtime restart at Martinsville, but couldn’t get around William Byron, who controlled the final two laps for the win. Logano’s runner-up finish left him fourth in the points standings, 27 behind Chase Elliott.

“I got close enough to bump Byron once,” Logano said. “If I had it to do over, I would have bumped him harder. I’m pretty disappointed that I didn’t knock Byron out of the way. Just think, all this time, Matt Kenseth thought I had learned my lesson.”

5. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home fifth at Martinsville, and is fifth in the points standings, 42 out of first.

“The start of the race was delayed for an hour due to rain and sleet,” Chastain said. “What else is cold and wet and lasts an hour at Martinsville? A 12-pack.”

6. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe came home ninth at Martinsville.

“Dale Earnhardt Jr. raced in Friday’s Xfinity race,” Briscoe said, “and shared a few beers with some fellow drivers after the race. That story is wholesomely known as Dale Earnhardt’s alcohol ‘content,’ and has nothing to do with how much he drank.”

7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 12th at Martinsville.

“I can’t wait for the Bristol Dirt Race on Sunday,” Bowman said. “And, it also takes place on Easter Sunday. It’s a race fan’s dream: Bristol, on dirt, on Easter. It’s practically the Holy Trinity.’”

8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled at Martinsville, finishing 22nd.

“It wasn’t the greatest day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Truex said. “But it wasn’t a lost weekend for Joe Gibbs. On Friday, he got to witness his grandson Ty, who was wearing his helmet, punch Sam Mayer, who wasn’t wearing his helmet.

9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Martinsville, posting his first top 10 since Las Vegas on March 6.

“Darrell Waltrip will serve as the guest analyst for Fox at the upcoming Bristol Dirt Race,” Almirola said. “So, the tiny broadcast booth he’ll share with Mike Joy and Clint Bowyer at the Coliseum will temporarily be known as the ‘Tide Pod.’”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Martinville, as the remaining three Joe Gibbs Racing drivers struggled, all finishing 20th or worse.

“How about that post-Xfinity race brawl between Ty Gibbs and Sam Mayer?” Busch said. “I’ve been on both sides of that situation. I can relate to Ty’s feelings because I’ve been mad enough to take a swing at a fellow driver. I can relate to Sam’s predicament because I also have a punchable face.”

April 12, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500 at Atlanta.

“Atlanta gives fans superspeedway racing on a small scale,” Logano said. “Warm and sunny weather indicates that shirtless fans’ bellies still come in the large scale.”

2. William Byron: Byron led a race-high 111 laps and sailed to the win at Atlanta, giving Hendrick Motorsports its third win this year.

“Contrary to what the actions of two of our drivers may indicate,” Byron said, “Hendrick Motorsports is a tightly-knit, cohesive, and always-friendly group. The only ‘ill will’ in this organization is me when I don’t get enough sleep. Or, at least that’s what Rick Hendrick would like me to say in public.”

3. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe started on the pole and finished 15th at Atlanta.

“I’m just glad I made it to the finish line,” Briscoe said. “As you saw, there were a lot of wrecks and spins. But for once this season, Brad Keselowski wasn’t involved in any of them. It just goes to show, there’s chaos, and then there’s ‘K-os.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Atlanta.

“I think the racing at Atlanta was incredible,” Elliott said, “for fans in attendance, as well as those watching on television. There were 46 lead changes. Usually, if you’re watching at home, there are at least 46 channel changes.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 and was contending for the win late before contact with Bubba Wallace sent Blaney into the outside wall. Blaney finished 17th.

“Bubba may drive the McDonald’s car,” Blaney said, “but I’m definitely not loving it. But that’s the nature of fast tracks like Atlanta’s: you just never know when you’re gonna get taken out by the ‘Big One,’ or, in this case, the ‘Big Mac.’”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led five laps and finished eighth in the Folds Of Honor Qwik Trip 500.

“Atlanta Motor Speedway was recently resurfaced,” Truex said. “Many of us are wondering when Denny Hamlin will ‘resurface’ this season.”

7. Aric Almirola: Almirola was running in the top five late before being bumped into a spin. He recovered to finish 22nd.

“We would have loved to have a top-10 finish,” Almirola said. “That’s what our sponsors want to see as well. Especially Smithfield. Those guys party when we do well. If we’re lucky enough to win, it’s a downright sausage fest.”

8. Kurt Busch: Busch survived a major accident on Lap 145 and recovered to finish third at Atlanta, his second top-five of the season.

“And speaking of ‘major accidents,’” Busch said, “my younger brother Kyle was one, if you listen to my parents, which Kyle does not. They shouldn’t feel bad, though, because Kyle doesn’t listen to anyone.”

9. Kyle Larson: While getting a push from Denny Hamlin on lap 212, Larson spun and hit the wall, ending his day. He finished 30th.

“I’m not going to blame Denny for the incident,” Larson said. “But I will say this: some of us wear crowns, while others wear dunce caps.”

10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 35th after wrecking with Austin Dillon in Stage 1. Busch was able to continue but called it a day after 171 laps.

“It’s early retirements like this,” Busch said, “that make me consider early retirement.

“Now, did I refuse to apologize to Austin Dillon for my part in wrecking him? I did not. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry. Heck, ask anybody around here. They’ll tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I’m the ‘sorriest.’”

March 21, 2022
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Talladega

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Talladega in a rain-delayed and rain-shortened race won by Bubba Wallace, who drives for 23XI Racing, co-owned by Hamlin and Michael Jordan.

“What a win by Bubba,” Hamlin said. “At some point, Bubba, Michael, and I will enjoy a victory cigar together. And to all those who have a problem with Bubba winning, I’ll see you in hell, and you can see me inhale.”

2. Kyle Larson: Larson suffered damage late in Stage 1 when contact between William Byron and Ross Chastain sent Chastain’s No. 77 hard into Larson’s left side. Larson limped home with a 37th-place finish.

“We spent a lot of time trying to get the car to maintain minimum speed,” Larson said. “How do I know I’m above that minimum speed threshold? I’m going faster than Quin Houff.”

3. Joey Logano: Logano came home third in the YellaWood 500.

“Racing at Talladega is all about getting a good run,” Logano said. “My Penske teammate Brad Keselowski knows that better than anyone because as far as his career with Penske goes, Brad had a good run.”

4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 12th in the YellaWood 500 at Talladega.

“Talladega is hectic enough when the weather is good,” Truex said. “When the threat of rain is added to the equation, it creates another level of chaos, and it confuses some fans because they see the word ‘equation’ and think they’ll have to do some type of math.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 15th at Talladega and is sixth in the playoff standings, 15 points above the cut line.

“Saturday’s Xfinity race was shortened because of darkness,” Blaney said, “and apparently, should have been sponsored by ‘Natural Light’ beer.”

6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 18th at Talladega.

“I’m pretty sure Kevin Harvick is still angry with me,” Elliott said. “He apparently ‘has it in’ for me. The Round of 8 in the playoffs? It may ‘have it out‘ for Harvick.”

7. Kyle Busch: Busch came home 27th at Talladega and is only nine points above the playoff cut line.

“After the race was already delayed by a day,” Busch said, “it was certainly anti-climactic for it to end early because of rain. And I know anti-climactic, because I know all things ‘anti,’ because I may be the anti-Christ, according to a lot of fans.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick posted a solid eighth-place finish at Talladega, but is ninth in the playoff standings, nine points below the cut line.

“I’m sitting on the playoff bubble,” Harvick said. “Surprisingly, despite its airiness, it really chaps my ass.”

9. William Byron: Byron crashed on Lap 116 after contact with Ryan Preece in a multi-car accident and finished a disastrous 36th. He’s is 44 points below the cut line.

“I’m heading to Charlotte with one goal in mind,” Byron said, “and that’s winning. That may sound overconfident, but hey, it’s ‘Go big or go home,’ and as a driver for Hendrick, Charlotte is conveniently home.”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman crashed out at Talladega on Lap 97 after Chase Elliott bumped Ricky Stenhouse Jr., sending Stenhouse hard into the side of Bowman. Bowman finished 38th and is last in the playoff standings.

“I don’t know what happened,” Bowman said. “I’m not one to point fingers, or name names, or make accusations, but I am one to do all three of those at once. So, my finger is aimed at Chase Elliott, who I’m accusing of causing me to wreck. My ‘side’ of the story is the left side of my car was ruined, and I’m starting to ‘side’ with Kevin Harvick.”

October 5, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Richmond

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson posted a sixth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 Salute To First Responders.

“I started from the rear after failing pre-race inspection twice,” Larson said. “There was this one time in E-Racing when I failed during-race inspection.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin dominated early at Richmond, winning Stages 1 and 2, but couldn’t track down Martin Truex Jr. in the final stage for the win. Hamlin settled for the runner-up spot.

“I easily won the first two stages,” Hamlin said. “That’s called a ‘sweep,’ and believe you me, I can certainly find a use for that broom, because there’s some things I’d like to sweep under a rug.”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame a penalty for jumping the start at the green flag at Richmond, but easily made his way back to the front. He took the lead late when Kyle Busch was penalized for pit road speeding. Truex held off Denny Hamlin to secure the win.

“Formula 1 driver Valtteri Bottas once said, ‘It’s not how you start, it’s how you Finnish.’ He’s from Finland, by the way.

“Given a few more laps, I’m sure Denny would have passed me. So, I know it pains him to lose. And it probably pains him more to lose to me, because my last name is ‘Truex,’ and the ‘Ex’ part of that is an unfortunate reminder for Denny.”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott fell a lap down after a slow pit stop midway through the race at Richmond, but recovered to post a fourth.

“That pit stop could have been disastrous,” Elliott said. “But if you think a mistake in the pits is going to stop this team, then you don’t know ‘jack.’”

5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Richmond, posting his ninth top-five of the season.

“I’m right where I want to be in the playoff standings,” Logano said. “I plan to be there at the end. Unlike my Penske teammate Brad Keselowski, I’m in it for the long haul.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick posted a solid eighth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 Salute To First Responders.

“My car was primarily sponsored by Hunt Brothers Pizza and Busch Light,” Harvick said. “So being the No. 4 car makes total sense, because if you pair your Hunt Bros. Pizza with Busch Light, you almost certainly get two No. 2’s.”

7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 10th at Richmond.

“Here’s a joke making the rounds,” Blaney said. “How many letters are there in the ‘Kyle Busch alphabet?’ The answer: 52: two S’s and 50G’s.”

8. Kyle Busch: Busch’s victory aspirations were derailed by a late pit road speeding penalty that resulted in a costly drive-through penalty.

“I can’t blame anyone but myself,” Busch said, “but by golly, I’m gonna try.

“My No. 18 Toyota sported the familiar M&M’s paint scheme. In light of my colorful language at Darlington, I’m surprised my car didn’t also have two ‘F’s‘ to go along with those two ‘M’s.’”

9. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 12th at Richmond.

“The playoff field gets cut down to 12 drivers after the upcoming Bristol race,” Bowman said. “That’s called an ‘elimination’ race, so just for a night, the ‘Last Great Colosseum’ will be called the ‘Last Great Colo-see-you.’”

10. William Byron: Byron struggled at Richmond and finished 19th.

“The No. 00 Chevy of Quin Houff sported the ‘Trucker Appreciation’ paint scheme,” Byron said. “And that proves that this race was ‘rigged.’”

September 12, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Darlington

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 2 and nearly chased down Denny Hamlin for the win before settling for the runner-up spot.

“I’m still the heavy favorite to win the Cup championship,” Larson said. “So, I have a reputation to uphold, and another one to dispel.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 and held off Kyle Larson over the closing laps to win the Cook Out Southern 500. It was Hamlin’s first win of the season and locked him into Round 2 of the Playoffs.

“Nothing beats the drama of the opening race of the NASCAR championship Playoffs,” Hamlin said. “That statement was true until my girlfriend Jordan Fish started tweeting.

“I’d like to thank Cook Out for sponsoring this race. After my convincing victory in the Cook Out Southern 500, the appropriate words to my opponents are ‘I drink your milkshake.’”

3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame an error-prone night at Darlington to salvage a fourth in the Cook Out Southern 500.

“In addition to that infraction,” Truex said, “I had a loose wheel earlier in the race. Unfortunately, our entire race was defined by our mistakes. It was a case of ‘mistaken identity.’”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered a left-front flat tire after making contact with Christopher Bell on Lap 327. Eliott’s No. 9 Chevy tagged the wall and his night was over. He finished 31st.

“I wasn’t happy,” Elliott said, “but I’m a professional. I can give an interview without cussing on national television. You can’t say the same for Kyle Busch. Kyle certainly made an ass of himself. Of course, you can’t spell ‘ass’ without two ‘S’ bombs.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney had a brake issue on Lap 319, which sent his No. 12 Mustang for a spin. Blaney dropped well down in the order and finished 22nd.

“I did a full 360-degree spin and didn’t hit anything,” Blaney said. “So, unlike my car, I deserve credit for ‘not breaking.’”

6. Joey Logano: Logano posted a solid start to the Playoffs with an eighth-place finish at Darlington.

“I’m still harboring some ill will towards Denny Hamlin for blocking me at Daytona,” Logano said. “But I feel like Denny deserves some slack. I know Darlington isn’t a superspeedway, but in light of the week’s event, it’s an ‘(a lot on his) plate’ race for Denny.”

7. William Byron: Byron’s night at Darlington ended on a Lap 200 crash, triggered by a left-front tire valve stem issue that caused a flat and sent Byron’s No. 24 Axalta Chevy hard into the wall. He finished 34th.

“I knew I had a tire issue,” Byron said. “I could actually hear the tire deflating. It sounded like this: ‘SSSSSSSSSSS.’ That’s also the sound of the censored version Kyle Busch giving an interview.”

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the Cook Out Southern 500.

“I’m thrilled with our finish,” Harvick said. “Especially in light of the troubles that befell so many other playoff contenders. For example, Kyle Busch’s race was a real ‘S’ show, figuratively and quite literally.”

9. Kyle Busch: Busch made contact with Austin Dillon on Lap 126 and slammed the wall hard, ending his night. He finished 35th.

“I took my No. 18 Toyota straight to the garage,” Busch said, “and nearly ran over several people in the process. As they say, it’s ‘(Get out of) my way or the die way.’”

“Then during a live television interview, I dropped only two ‘S’ bombs. So, everyone should be commending me for showing restraint.”

10. Alex Bowman: Bowman blew a tire on Lap 16 at Darlington and scraped the wall, seriously damaging the right side of his No. 48 Ally Chevy. He limped home with a 26th-place finish.

“I clipped my Hendrick teammate William Byron in the accident,” Bowman said. “Then, my car caught on fire when it was being repaired in the pits. Two things were extinguished on Sunday—fire, and my playoff hopes.”

September 6, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Atlanta

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Larson: Larson, looking to add to his season wins total of five, finished a disappointing 18th at Atlanta, hindered by a late speeding penalty.

“I almost got lapped,” Larson said. “It was definitely not my finest moment. That being said, it was also not my worst moment.”

2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at Atlanta.

“I was penalized for speeding entering the pits midway through the race,” Hamlin said. “One place you won’t see me speeding entering is Victory Lane.”

3. Kyle Busch: Busch was strong all day at Atlanta but had to settle for the runner-up position as older brother Kurt took the win.

“Kurt doesn’t win the race if Ross Chastain doesn’t block for him,” Busch said. “I’ll remember Ross Chastain for this. No, not because I’m out for revenge, but it’s probably the only thing for which Chastain will be remembered.”

4. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Atlanta and finished seventh.

“I’m still winless at Atlanta Motor Speedway,” Elliott said. “With Georgia being my home state, that’s very disappointing. I’ve had good finishes here; I’ve just never been quite able to bring it home.”

5. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished fourth in the Quaker State 400, giving Hendrick Motorsports its top finish.

“We’re used to Kyle Larson being the fastest on this team,” Bowman said, “but ironically, Kyle wasn’t the fastest because he was going too fast.”

6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started from the rear but powered his way to the front and took third.

“My car failed pre-race inspection twice,” Truex said. “I’d like to tell you we had no idea the car would fail inspection, but that would mean I would fail a lie detector test.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch seized the lead from Kyle Busch on Lap 236 and held his younger brother off the rest of the way, winning at Atlanta and punching his ticket to the playoffs.

“It was an intense Busch vs. Busch battle,” Busch said. “And you certainly don’t want to come out on the losing end. It reminded me of another Busch vs. Busch battle, from when Kyle and I were kids when our Mom and Dad would battle to determine which parent had to spend time with us. And you definitely didn’t want to come out on that losing end.”

8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th in the Quaker State 400 at Atlanta on a so-so day for Penske Racing.

“Penske hasn’t won a Cup race since April,” Logano said. “Just to clarify, that’s April of 2021, although it seems longer ago.”

9. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th at Atlanta.

“We just weren’t very competitive,” Harvick said. “It’s just a shame we couldn’t be a part of that Kurt Busch-Kyle Busch battle. Put my Busch Light car in that scrum, and we’re halfway to a six-pack, which means it’s 7 a.m. somewhere in a NASCAR infield.”

10. William Byron: Byron struggled at Atlanta and finished 20th in the Quaker State 400.

“Atlanta is definitely not my favorite track,” Byron said. “In fact, given the choice to ‘take it or leave it,’ I would choose to leave it….off the NASCAR schedule entirely.”

July 12, 2021
NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Bristol Dirt

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Bristol in the first NASCAR race on dirt since 1970.

“I have six top-five finishes in seven races so far this season,” Hamlin said. “So, I guess I’m already in championship form, which always seems to be the case with me, until it’s time to decide the championship.”

2. Joey Logano: Logano dominated the final stage at Bristol and pulled away to win the Food City Dirt Race.

“The No. 22 Penske Ford was great at the end,” Logano said. “We left all the contenders in the dust. As a matter of fact, as you would expect on a dirt oval track, everybody was ‘left’ in the dust.”

3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th at Bristol.

“That’s two straight wins for Penske Racing,” Keselowski said. “One on asphalt and one on dirt. Me? I’d just settle for ‘one.’”

4. Kyle Larson: Larson was caught up in Christopher Bell’s early spin, and the ensuing repairs cost him two laps. Larson eventually finished 29th, five laps down.

“Bell did me dirt-y,” Larson said, “so he’s gonna have to pay for this. Isn’t he supposed to be a dirt-track expert? Consider me not impressed. I guess his reputation on dirt just became a reputation of dirt.”

5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished eighth at Bristol, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.

“It was a wild weekend in Bristol,” Blaney said. “It’s like Mother Nature and Joe Dirt got together, shacked up in a double-wide, and birthed BMS’s dirt track.”

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 15th at Bristol.

“Tony Stewart is frustrated that NASCAR gave the dirt track race to Bristol and not his Eldora Speedway,” Harvick said. “After all Tony’s done for this sport, it’s pretty awful for NASCAR to treat him like dirt over dirt. As a result, Tony’s showing his ass in addition to other body parts, like the cold shoulder, and the middle finger.”

7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 at Bristol but faded late and finished 19th.

“That was my first Trucks series win,” Truex said. “And it’s one I’m going to remember a long time from now, especially if I can’t get the taste of Tennessee red clay out of my mouth.”

8. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Bristol, scoring the best finish for Hendrick Motorsports.

“I don’t mind racing on dirt,” Byron said. “Heck, if it’s dry, it’s practically like racing on a paved surface. And the few fans there seemed to love it too. Even though there were only 30,000 of them in attendance, the place was ‘packed.’”

9. Chase Elliott: Elliott took 10th in Bristol’s rain-delayed dirt race.

“NASCAR announced during the race that next year’s spring race at Bristol would also be on dirt,” Elliott said. “That’s also known as NASCAR ‘soiling themselves.’”

10. Christopher Bell: Bell spun on Lap 51, collecting Kyle Larson and Ross Chastain in his wake. Bell’s day was done, and he finished 34th.

“The accident was certainly my fault,” Bell said. “And both Kyle and Ross have said as much. Kyle especially. He’s been very outspoken in his criticism of me. But I’m no pushover. All I have to say to Kyle is, ‘Watch what you say.’”

March 31, 2021